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Why Cold Approach Works Better Than Anything Else

Chase Amante

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A reader comments on "How to Think About Women as You Get More Experienced", linking to a discussion on Reddit where a Redditor asks female members about their thoughts on being approached at random, and whether this is nagging them or annoying them... because he feels guilty about it. Here's the link. Our commenter here notes that this discussion has made him question whether he ought to cold approach.

I sympathize if you're newer and haven't started investing time in meeting beautiful strangers yet, and are hesitating before taking the plunge because it looks like a big commitment of time and energy to get good at and a lot of hard knocks and rejections and bumps to overcome along the way.

If you're sitting there wondering whom you ought to listen to, hearing a bunch of people say, "This cold approach malarkey doesn't even work - don't waste your time," can be pretty disheartening.

Maybe even enough to give up on the prospect of even trying in the first place.

But if you walk away from cold approach, you are walking away from one of the single most effective, uplifting, and empowering things you will ever learn to do in any way to improve your dating life, your sex life, your search for the ideal partner, and your own general confidence and happiness to boot. Few things in life will alter the direction of your life as profoundly as the ability to cold approach successfully and effectively.

cold approach

If that's so though - if cold approach really is as markedly effective and life-enhancing as this - why are there so many forces trying to lead you astray?

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.

GET CHASE’S ONE DATE SYSTEM

Comments

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Breeze-

Yes, I'd consider that a major red flag, for sure.

Personally, the only girls I date at ALL are the ones I have instant chemistry with. We meet, it's incredible, it's snappy, and I'm really drawn to her and she's really drawn to me. That alone is not enough - she must also check off all my logical requirements as well. If she passes the emotional test (we click immediately) and she passes the logical one (beautiful, great body, intelligent, independent, good job, ambitious, good education, crazy amounts of charisma, and very upbeat can-do attitude), I'll date her. Otherwise, she is a one-night stand candidate ONLY.

When I meet the girls who are cold, then later warm up - I know for a lot of guys this is exciting, and it feels like they're stumbling on some buried treasure - for me personally, I never like these girls. I will sleep with them for the learning, for the challenge, or for the heck of it, but I won't date them... my feeling always is "if she doesn't know 'awesome' when it slaps her in the face on the street / on the club, I'm going to have a HELL of a time in a relationship with her." I'm also not especially partial to women who have superficially strong views, then change those views simply because I'm persistent. It seems weak to me, and uncertain... which is not something I really want around me. In my mind, we are always in danger of being dragged down into weakness and pettiness, and you're always just one bad person in your life away from being dragged down into that pit of despair.

So, yeah - if you have choice with women, I can't really see any justification for dating a girl who isn't everything you want AND is crazy about you at "hello." Some guys will return with "But what if she just didn't realize you were...?" fill in the blank characteristic. Doesn't matter. Attraction is instant and at least partly chemical-based - if she must be won over with logic and gambits, it almost certainly is not what I'd consider REAL (read: pheromone-based) attraction, and the relationship will be a bumpy one, as she fights biology to try to stay with you in spite of herself.

Chase

V's picture

Is it smooth and sexy to be silent and not laugh alot? Im thinking more of a stern look, or is that just a buzz kill?

One example I want to know about being smooth in life is one question, ex, if im playing basketball and people are making fun of my mistakes, should I talk back crap and threaten them? Or should I just ignore? I don't want to feed into it, but I also don't want to look like a punk.

I might talk junk or I might just be silent, which one seems better?

How do I act like an authority figure? What are the characteristics of that?

Thank you!!!!!!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

V-

Silent is definitely powerful. Sexy comes from having hints of a smile, usually, rather than full-on smiling, which is more "nice and friendly" - not really what you want.

When people are laughing at you because of mistakes in basketball, the best thing you can do is take some time on your own to train yourself up and get better if it's something that's important to you. I've had experiences on the court where I make some sloppy shot, and guys go, "Oh MAN, he can't even make a damn LAYUP!" and I just say nothing, get the ball back, and then sink a running hook shot or a deep three-pointer, and then they go, "Whoa - all right, all right! The man's got some GAME!" In skill-based arenas, it really is all about skill, and if you haven't got it, the ones who have are going to poke fun at you and laugh if that's the way they're inclined to act. If you want them to knock that off, don't try to talk them out of it, because that's useless; silence critics by showing them you're more capable than they think you are, and earning their respect.

And that only comes from being good.

If it's important, take some time, put in some extra practice, and get good.

Chase

Wolf's picture

Chase, how do I become a bold guy?

Also can you tell me your thoughts about this guy from this video? Do you like his style and do you think this is real or fake ?

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=jsNb-vL-R4A

If the link doesn't work, the guys name is justin wayne.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Wolf-

If you want to be bold, I'd focus first and foremost on being decisive. See this article, if you haven't already: "How to Be Decisive."

Being decisive makes you bold by default, because once you start taking decisive action, boldness comes as more or less a side effect. Then suddenly you're doing a lot of things that other people think are "really bold", but for you are just whatever seemed like the most sensible thing to do at that time was to generate action and avoid standing around being stagnant and watching your life tick by like most people do.

As for Justin Wayne - I didn't watch the video, but I liked Justin Wayne. I thought he had few of the good pickup videos out there I'd seen. There was a bit of a scandal a while back because he was using his work for a major television company to help him sleep with girls, and one of his former girlfriends got irked with (presumably) his disinclination to commit to just one woman (her), and tried to make some big exposé of him on the Internet. My opinion of what I've seen of his stuff is that he comes across a little bit too gamey, but, especially if you're fairly new to street game, there are far worse people you could learn from.

Chase

Balla's picture

Is this a good idea chase? say if you tell a girl you both are going to get food right? But instead you get it togo and you both go back to your place. How does that sound?
Should I pay for her if I do this or not?

Can you also give me some instances on when you can pay for a female?

Whats my limit on how much I can spend?

Thanks

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Balla-

For that kind of date, I prefer to tell a girl we're going to cook some food but we have to go buy the ingredients, then take her to the store. If you're going to cook food and make drinks, one of you buys the alcohol, one of you buys the food, and then you're both committing to the date and there's no weirdness or uncertainty (you go shopping for both together, and just one of you pays at one place, one pays at the other, then you go home and cook / mix drinks).

I'd avoid being the sole one paying unless it's a trivial amount of money or you're loaded and just don't care. If you can pay and make it very, very clear that it's nothing to you, and it IS nothing to you, and you're not going to care if she sleeps with you or not, then it's okay and is neutral or maybe slightly good. Anything else though is going to mess things up with you - and it's always better if she pays for both of you.

Your limit on what you spend is going to depend totally on your budget. If you have to think twice about it, it's over your limit (e.g., would you think about paying for a 50 cent pack of gum? Probably not. How about a $50 dinner? Depends on your income. A $500 boating trip? Probably, unless you're rolling in it).

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase could you electorate on why you quit doing casual sex relationships? And why you find them a waste of time in favour for long term relation ships? Ty.

And what is long term to you, ive never understood hat constitutes it. 2 months? A year? 10 years lol

Thanks man

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Balla-

When I say "long-term relationship", I usually think of something lasting 10+ months, or at least something you intend to last 10+ months (I've had girls I consider "long-term relationships" that I dated for only very short periods of time because life intervened in some way - e.g., I had to move somewhere else, etc. - but had random events not happened, we almost certainly would've been together for a long time).

As for casual ongoing sexual relationships, I quit these because I didn't feel they offered any value to my life, and introduced some bad.

Basically, if I'm horny, I'm better served either using my sex drive to pick up a new girl - which keeps me sharp, may well be educational in some way or another, and is a lot more exciting than sleeping with someone I've already slept with - or transmuting it into higher productive output in something else I'm working on (business, martial arts, etc.).

If I REALLY like a girl, and she meets all my requirements for a mate, I'll keep her on as a girlfriend. If I don't, and/or she doesn't, then I don't really see a reason to keep her around. I think a lot of people keep other people in their lives they just feel "okay" about, which... strikes me as odd. When you keep "just okay" people around you, you tend to get more and more "just okay" people around you, until you become a "just okay" person yourself.

Me, if there's no one around I think is awesome, I'll just do my own thing for a while and fly completely solo. Eventually, I end up with really amazing new friends and really amazing girlfriends, and I'm glad I wasn't sucked into life with "just okay" people who would've killed my motivation for meeting new people, and, hence, my chances at meeting the decidedly better people I now know.

Chase

Shaun's picture

Hello Chase and the others !

First of all, my enligsh is not perfect, my apologizes for the future mistakes.

I'm saying this as a "day gamer", I approached girls for 3 years, got tons of lays, TONS of lays ! However that number is still far away from the number of rejections I had to deal with, most of them never really hut me though.

The problem with Cold Approaching is this one :

Number games, it simply fucks you up, approaching like a sexual beggar until some random chick finds you good enough to sleep with you... What kind of belief can come from this habit ? You get rejected WAY more than you got dates, no matter how awesome, good looking, smart, magnetic you are, it will always happen.

At the end of the road, you end up thinking "If tommorrow, I stop approaching women in the street, I'll never get laid anymore, none of them will spontaneously notice I'm a good match"

See my point ? Even if you get accustomed to rejection, subconsciously, you slowly start believing you're not enough because of that huge number of rejections. And when some girl finally ACCEPTS (yeah, I use this word, it's nothing more than this) you also underestimate her "What kind of girl she is to sleep with a guy like me ?"

Cold approaching imo should be a niche, not the main way to meet women. Otherwise, you're just some isolated weird geek who approaches every cute girl he sees and HOPING what he has to offer will be enough. It might solve the sexual frustration if you put enough time and energy in it but definitely not the confidence issue which I think in the MAIN problem of guys and they seek women validation to fix it (through cold approaching since it's sold as the most efficient way to meet women)

For god sake, WE ARE ENOUGH ! Just try to get a real social life, with lots of girls in your social circle and you'll realize you don't need to hurt yourself like this, when dealing with AA, then flakes, friendzone, LMR...

Anonymous's picture

The issue is you are cold-approaching from a beggar mindset. Check out Chris at goodlooking loser for the right, "I am buying, Impress me" mindset that makes cold-approach so awesome!

Anonymous's picture

Hi! This article is quite brilliant, First, let me say I don't agree with quite a lot of what you say in other parts of the website but this article in itself is brilliant, I am new to cold-approaching (daygame) and have had less than a 50 approaches with tons of numbers (about 20) and one lay. I'm Indian, 6 foot tall and not unattractive yet not a model either, and I only cold-approach hot girls in France, Denmark, Czech Republic and Hungary. Of recent, I suddenly got a new- wave of approach anxiety due to the Sean Larrson story (google Sean Larsson pua to read it: DON'T GOOGLE IF YOU ARE ON THE FENCE ABOUT COLD-APPROACHING, THE ARTICLE WILL FUCK YOU UP!!) I trained with Thomas at boytoystory.com, and of recent had a 2 hour skype session with Liam Mcrae of the natural lifestyles. To everyone struggling with women, I can guarantee there is a almost foolproof way you can become awesome quickly: BOOTCAMPS, RESIDENTIALS etc. I can guarantee that if you spend 10 days for instance with the amazing dating coaches (Sasha Daygame, Liam Mcrae, James Marshall, John Cooper etc) on the Eurotour (http://www.thenaturallifestyles.com/eurotour/) you will become awesome. Everyone who has done it has gotten laid and become a boss with women. But guess what is the major essence of the eurotour: ACTUAL INFIELD COLD-APPROACHING. You approach roughly 2000 women, 100 everyday. Of course, there are a few additional things provided by coaches outside the actual impetus to cold-approach (e.g. voice projection, expressing intent, feedback on what to say etc etc etc) but the majority of these you can get freely online (watch all Sasha daygame videos for instance). But for one, the eurotour is FUCKING EXPENSIVE at about 15,000 USD, because it fucking works. It is bullshit that paying for this cuts years off your learning curve, this is not true unless you are a retard with 0 social skills but rather the normal slightly Beta guy who reads such articles. You are in essence paying that money to get someone to kick your ass into cold-approaching. Imagine having Sasha Daygame as a roommate, you need to be pretty fucked up not to get laid then. so shut the fuck up, stop getting in your head and start cold-approaching. Imagine you are in the Eurotour bootcamp having paid 15k, and a coach yelling at you to stop being a pussy and start cold-approaching. Everything else is irrelevant.

Anonymous's picture

Do *NOT* give much weight to advice or arguments women make about men's dating techniques!

With rare exception, they know literally nothing about direct approach - which is the man's job. Look at the dating strategies and advice on Cosmopolitan versus, say, this website.

As a comedian said (in comparison to sex drive), "it's like shooting a bullet, versus throwing a bullet!"

coup de maître

Anonymous's picture

This article is absolutely spot on. Cold approach is simply INCREDIBLE, especially daygame cold approach. Was doing it a little bit here and there for the 4 months from December until this month but last week I decided to start doing it full on and in the last week i've done 37 approaches during the day and racked up 6 phone numbers and a facebook, which is not a bad ratio. Gone on 2 dates as a result with another one hopefully this sunday (she said yes but yesterday i got a text from her saying she really wanted to meet for a drink in town in the evening but i invited her to mine instead to which I got no answer, oh well, no biggie, there's loads more out there, i got real abundance mentality now) and another potential 3. It's just amazing how easy this is. I think it all comes down to the fact that when you approach them and are direct as hell stating your intention that you're attracted and want to fuck them they think 1. Wow finally a man who knows what he wants and goes for it. 2. He's got balls. 3. They feel special. Plus noone else (except us guys in the pickup community) is doing it which puts us at a HUGE advantage. Honestly, this has just made my year, I feel amazing, and now I know how to bring in a ton of attractive women into my life, and it's sooooooo easy. Loads of fun too!

anonymous's picture

Chase,

While I don't think cold approach is necessarily a bad thing, I would also say that this article is not entirely true. It doesn't exactly line up with what research has shown us.

Several well established studies have been done now, and they all conclude that most people naturally pair off with someone who is of equal attractiveness (both in terms of physical appearance, and overall attractiveness). So if we use the 1-10 system, 5s are likely to pair off with other 5s, 7s with 7s, 10s with 10s etc.

Most of these people, even the 10s, don't do cold approach. And yet, they somehow still find each other. Based on this information, it seems that it's not learning the skill that is cold approach which will attract high quality mates.

It seems that the best way to improve the quality of the mates you attract is to be more attractive yourself. Also, the criteria for attractiveness based on biology is very different from what you suggest (e.g. Kindness, intelligence, emotional health, assertiveness, good physical fitness etc.)

I'm not saying this in of itself will get you a perfect girlfriend. Even if you're a perfect 10 in terms of attractiveness, you do actually have to go out and interact with women. But there's certainly no reason to believe that it has to be with strange women you've never met before and have no context for speaking with them.

It can be (and usually is) with women who you have context for talking to (i.e. what you coin "warm approach").

Monte Carlo's picture

This is the skill I need to develop, and here's where I get stuck:

I can usually summon the courage to open at least one, sometimes a handful of sets. But then I panic and eject. I can rarely hang in for more than 20 minutes, before I'm just too anxious to keep approaching. And then when I even start to think about going out again, I can already feel my heart beat too fast and I can't bring myself to do it.

I'm 45 and I've had relatively good experience with women overall, but I've recently moved to a new town for work and am also coming off of a painful breakup of a year-plus relationship. I'm faced with the choice of either accepting a fate as a sad middle-aged man who has given up on love, or figuring out how to make the most of what I have; a decent job and living not too far from a major city.

It's not much of a choice, really. I know that I need to approach a couple of orders of magnitude more often, whatever it takes. I'm trying to figure out how to keep myself in it, regardless of the anxiety. How does a soldier shake off the shellshock and get back in the fight?

My best idea so far is to have backup. I'm extremely independent but only somewhat a loner, but most of my friends have moved on from dating and singles life.

I'm very open to advice and I believe there are other people out there who can identify with this experience.

Cam's picture

Chase, you're such a great soul. I have so much respect & admiration for you & what you've accomplished with this site. Over the years you've given me so many tools to use that help me to be the architect of my life rather than the victim of my circumstances. These articles have been truly invaluable to me over the years. Thank you! 

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