How to Get Comfortable with Female Sexuality | Girls Chase

How to Get Comfortable with Female Sexuality

Chase Amante

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female sexuality
One of the big struggles for men who are waking up on women is getting comfortable with female sexuality. How do you do it?

One of the more challenging mental hurdles for the active dater can be overcoming his feelings about female sexuality. This is most true for men who’ve grown up bombarded with messages about female purity, chastity, and the like.

Even in our present society, with ‘slut walks’, Femen, rape culture, and Sex and the City, men still grow up confused with female sexuality. On the one hand, men are told women have the right to sexual liberation without judgment from men. On the other hand, if a man talks to any individual woman and broaches the subject of sexuality, she’ll often react with disgust and offense and tell him no, of course she doesn’t do that or isn’t into this.

This leads lots of men to an, ”Oh, that’s just TV,” mentality, where women behave sexually liberal on TV and in the movies, yet sexually chaste in real life.

Some part of most guys knows that there’s some kind of deception going on here; either the TV is lying and women are all chaste angels, or women themselves are lying and they’re not (and he just isn’t in on the action).

Yet a guy can go his whole life without ever pulling the tarp back on this sexual misdirection... Until he starts to succeed more with girls.

And then, everything changes.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.

GET CHASE’S ONE DATE SYSTEM

Comments

Sam2's picture

Chase,

I am at a point with women where I can get alsmot anything I ask for sexually on my terms.

However, even with girls who I keep a purely sexual relationship of the kind I want there are things I prospose that they don't accept, supposedly due to ego issues.

For instance: I proposed to them sex with multiple male partners for their own pleasure or swinging and they refuse because it seems to them that I don't want them enough to propose such a thing. She feels devalued because I am cool with sharing her.

So, my question is this: sure, women are sexual, but they still are more conservative than I am. Where does this attitude fit in your analytical framework?

WT's picture

Hey man, saw this comment & as a guy with a healthy masculine-feminine side, I think i can offer a perspective that would be insightful.

I fantasize about some things sexually sometimes like this article mentioned but I also like connection & closeness as a person. Those fantasies are nice & fun to get off on but a part of the fun of sex is the person I'm sleeping w/ means something to me, she is at least somewhat special to me, and we have some sort of bond. I'm not sleeping w/ a completely random girl over & over. even if it's purely sexual relationship you have, there is still some level of bond going on I'd have to guess. but actually i think the issue is more this next point. Chase has written how no one is special/we're all commodities/regular guys & girls, but no girl & person really wants to feel completely interchangeable, like they don't matter to another person they're sorta bonded to. So when you proposed sharing her, it almost feels like this sex thing w/ you to her is clinical, you don't really want her caz you want others to have her, she's not yours. like on a sexual level, a girl can like getting dominated caz she feels like you own her, she belongs to you, she is yours, she feels desired caz you want her so bad you have to have her. girls tend to love that feeling sexually & in who they are & sharing her & giving her away like that can go against that feeling of you really wanting her. so the interchangeability feel would make her feel devalued like it would to anyone i feel.

i'd also go back to the connection feel of sex. like Chase mentioned an example of girl having gangbang fantasy w/ all his friend group of guys, and even in that there could be (likely i think) an element of connection there. She picked HIS group of guy friends, & not some random group of guys that have no meaning to her. there can almost be a hint of closeness/intimacy that "all of Chase's friends are banging me" or like "I''m doing something Chase wouldn't like/I'm a naughty girl/slut" or something like that I think but regardless it has something a little bit to do with Chase since she picked those guys to fantasize about.

And for me, like I would never in reality do most fantasies that involve others other than the girl I'm w/ caz w/ others I don't know them, they don't mean anything to me, i don't care about or know them at all. maybe if you guys had a mutual friend or something in common, if that is the hurdle, then that idea might solve the situation.

So
1) her not feeling really wanted to you/special to you
2) the sex lacking any sort of meaning / it's too completely random sex for her with something like a swingers

Just some ideas to think on

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Sam-

You'd still fit in the framework, though as a bit of an outlier. There are plenty of both men and women out there who love swinging, threesomes (both FFM and MMF), etc., but there are fewer of them. The number of men who enjoy MMF threesomes and swinging is a fairly small (but not insignificant) slice.

What any given girl is open to doing with you depends on what she's already done previously, how she feels about the relationship with you, how sexually awakened she already is, and how you frame it. Those will influence items like what WT mentions, such as her feeling you don't value her or the relationship, or that the sex is meaningless, if you don't have the right switches flipped.

I just spoke with a friend yesterday who broke up with his long-term girlfriend in part because while she would happily agree to threesomes with him, she never fulfilled his fantasy of showing up at his place one day with another girl she'd found on her own to have a threesome with him. He noted that to him she "lacked initiative." But the thing to keep in mind even with things like this it's training. Had he trained her to do this - trained her to pick up girls on her own, trained her how to bring them over to him, etc. - he could've had her doing it.

The female sex response is a lot more fluid than men's. Most men don't internalize this. Everything remotely sexual will turn a girl on... But whether she acts on it depends on whether she's been conditioned to accept that whatever it is as a good thing for her to get sexually excited about or not. If you want girls to want things sexually they don't currently want, you need to take them through a reconditioning process where you help them feel good about their (natural) arousal for all things sexual and encourage them to let loose.

Chase

TallyHo's picture

Howdy Chase,

About getting comfortable with female sexuality, there is one thing that bothers me the most. I am 18, first year in Uni, kissless virgin. And one thing that just doesnt leave my consciousness is that the girls that I like, are most likely not virgins any more. The thing is, that I will never have a girl that I am as important to her as she is to me(me losing my virginity, her not, having already experienced those things). Thats one of my biggest insecurities. Its also that I feel like I cant dominate her if she is more experienced than me. I just cant handle the thought of a girl melting in the hands of another man and not me. Having special memories with another person, and not me.

Cheers

WT 's picture

Hey man, uni is a great time to progress w/ girls, good work getting started! I think i see ur problem too.

It seems like you're thinking the first girl you get with will be the only girl you ever have, it's kinda like present time orientation thing that Chase has mentioned. A google search can help there if you haven't heard of it. Reality is closer to that of you being able to work hard & sleep with a girl & get more experience & rinse & repeat. Then one day you meet a girl who fits great with what you want & now you have all this experience & you feel more in control, more confident & more dominant. This girl you meet in a couple years only sees that future version of you, that's all she sees you as.

A good article to maybe help you is Chase's practice mentality article he wrote like a month ago. I usually just google the title of articles along w/ site name to find it (i.e. "Girls Chase practice mentality")

A small analogy is how Kobe Bryant in his first year in the nba was a bench player and in the final game of the playoffs, he airballed 4 shots in the final minute & OT of the game to cost his team the game. But then he got a lot better at basketball, never perfect, but much more skilled & now people see him differently. Your skills are fluid man, a work in progress. It's the ego that is hurting you in trying to be all these things right now, rather than just doing you amd seeing what happens as you get better. Practice mentality really helps there

Takethepill's picture

I was at your point, it was even worse for me.
Got that first time and it turned out that im great in bed.

A few thoughts you may consider:
1) You are not forced to tell her you're a virgin or to answer any question about your sexual past to her.
2) Losing your virginity is nothing special. This believe held me back for years. Get over it.
How important to her you are has nothing to do with this.
3) Women love to be dominated, chances are pretty high she will let you do it regardless of her sexual past. Read about dominance and FAKE until it becomes you.
4) BECOME the man she melts into, with whom she makes better memories than all her past lovers. Again: FAKE IT if you have to. Stop fearing things you can't control and focus on the only thing you can control, yourself.
5) The longer you procrastinate to loose your v. the bigger your fear will become.
6) Read as much theory as you need to get confident enough for your first time. FAKE IT.
7) Get laid and discover that you are overthinking way too much and that you're probably way better than you think.

Resources: own experience, very similar situation

Author
Chase Amante's picture

TallyHo-

In addition to the wonderful responses from WT and Takethepill... Once you've slept with a few girls, you'll start meeting girls less sexually experienced than you. As a virgin, almost every girl you'll meet is more experienced than you, yes. And the girls who are virgins you're less likely to meet because they're squirreled away in library corners or they never go out.

By the time you're at 4 or 5 lays, you'll start meeting girls less experienced than you are. By the time you're at 10 lays, you'll meet a good chunk of girls less experienced. By the time you're at 20, probably the majority of girls you meet (unless you hang out in nightclubs all the time) will be less experienced.

A girl with 3 or 4 lays when you're a virgin seems hopelessly more worldly than you are right now. A girl with 3 or 4 lays when you're at 10 seems not that experienced. A girl at 3 or 4 lays when you're at 20 seems cute, sweet, innocent, and naive.

So, all perspective. Go out and rack up some lays, get some experience under your belt, and your perspective will change.

Chase

TallyHo's picture

Hey a thing I forgot to add is that I also feel like the last option. While everyone else got or gets their pick, here I am just taking whats left from others, often less handsome , with worse fundamentals than me.....Thats another insecurity of mine.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Goes away once you've improved with girls.

Once you're good, girls will be doing things with you they've never done with anyone else, and feeling emotions for you they've never felt with anyone else.

Also, the articles WT mention are here:

Chase

WT 's picture

Hey Chase,

I see in your posts like this one where you draw from your experiences & relationships w/ girls to really learn about girls.

How can I make the most of my experiences w/ girls to learn as much as I can about girls (& this make my learning curve as efficient as possible?)

In this article you talked about a girl who fantasized occassionally about a friend of urs or in another article about how girls treated you the same w/ their little gestures like the peck on the lips when she saw you everytime as they did w/ their past boyfriends. Is it as simple as feeling curious & just asking a girl about her past, about her feelings for you, her likes, sexually, etc. & being accepting/non-judgemental?

And you talked of in practice mentality article of learning something from the 100th girl just as you learned something from the 1st.

What else can I do to make my learning w/ each girl better & to make the most of each experiences? How do you yourself go about it? It's probably more intensive & expansive for you (i.e. the website / work) but i'd like to hear & imitate to a smaller degree haha

Thanks - WT

Takethepill's picture

I can only recommend to journal about your experiences with girls.
I used to create a simple text file for every woman I have on the radar or already sex with.

Write down the key happenings of the interaction. Write down interesting things she said, write down how you handled certain situations, note what you did well and what you could have done better.

Once you do this for a while with a girl, you begin to see her behavioral patterns as well as yours more clearly, which can help you a lot in future interactions.

It really helps to recall and reflect on your interactions in this way.
Nice sideeffect: You remember a lot more and are able to read her better, she'll love you for that ;)

Author
Chase Amante's picture

WT-

Yes... being curious, asking questions, and getting out of the "I'm special" mentality all are keys. I think thinking oneself is special is probably the biggest hurdle to this; having enough curiosity is the next biggest.

If you think you're special, you'll just assume that whatever she's doing is specially for you and nothing she's done for anyone else. Or that you're the most incredible man she's been with. If you don't think you're special, you'll assume you're nothing special to her until she's shown you otherwise. And you won't be so easily swayed into thinking you're something special to her as guys who already think they are, for whom her just telling them something like, "You're the most amazing man I've been with," is all the confirmation they need.

If you're past the thinking-I'm-special stage, then having enough curiosity is what comes next. When she does this or that thing that you like, where did she learn that? Was it something her family did? Did she pick it up from a TV show? Did an ex-boyfriend have her start doing that? When she talks about her fantasies, ask her how deep those fantasies go. What are some other fantasies she's had? Has she ever thought about this, that, or the other thing?

Also, reading up on female sexuality helps give you tools to pry into this farther. Nancy Friday's My Secret Garden (book about female sexual fantasies) can help open up the hood on this. Once you're aware how different a woman's internal life is or how cloudy and concealed women's pasts tend to be, assuming you're not too judgmental (or perhaps even if you are a bit), and you find people interesting, you'll tend to get very interested in finding out what the truth with a girl is. Most girls will try to present themselves as simple creatures, with simple backgrounds, and simple wants, who just happen to love being with you. But if you dig, you can find out about their complicated pasts and interesting experiences with other men.

If you ask me, there's little more informative than knowing exactly how other men who've slept with a girl you like slept with her. What they did, how they got her, how it made her feel. It's like accessing a set of instructions that work with her and with girls like her - and what you'll often find is that the diversity of ways men get women into bed is enormous. Every girl I meet with more than 3 partners (and some with under 3) has an interesting story about a guy who got her in some way you'd never expect would work to get a girl.

Chase

Athene's picture

"Want to find a chaste, virginal girl who will love only you? Look for a girl with a religious upbringing"

As a woman I´m always surprised how much trust men have in church for figuring women out. Why???

Church is the perfect place for women who are trying to hide their high count, and or planning to keep their activities under the radar.
Often they use the network effect as leverage and identify "betas" immediately to leech them off finantially.

I live in a dominantly catholic country, but not very religious in general. All boys in high school knew girls from religious schools were the most sexually active -and they said it openly-.
I have some new foreign neighbors, the "loud" religious kind: Same thing. One even had a fiancé waiting for marriage in her country and was banging another guy here. Others have a suggar-daddy "vibe" around them.

Me and my best friend from childhood were both late bloomers, virgins into near our mid 20´s, and our count after that is 1. I´m agnostic, and she´s catholic, (low-key kind).

A girl will be a virgin/low count, and loyal because it makes sense to her, and/or she is just naturally more reserved. Simple. No amount of external structure will ever be effective to control sexual behavior. (Even in countries where infidelity is risk of death it still hapens.) In the same way, no amount of virgin-shaming was enough to make me change my mind (I never openly said I was a virgin at that time, but "slutty" girls sensed it.) Religion may convince people somewhat in the middle of the spectrum to think twice, but that´s it.

If I ever have a son, I´ll make sure he understands this: you can´t delegate filtering out women for LTRs to anybody.

Athene

PS: Sorry for this long rant, hypocricy is my worst pet peeve.
PS2: I´m not trying to diminish women on the other end of the spectrum. I have no problem with high-count women per se, I just don´t want them to get away with dishonest girl game (aka getting men into commitment), because dishonest game makes heterosexual relationships harder for everybody.
PS3: Consider sex drive can dissapear almost completely when single and then be high as crazy when in a relationship, it´s been like that to me and that oftens shows up in women talks. If you pick a virgin she doesn´t have to be low sex drive. You can see the sexual chemistry when kissing, etc. She doesn´t have to be a prude either, she may have just many fantasies accumulated to finally materialize in a relationship with you ;)
ps4: I suspect sometimes sluttiness is more about taking pleasure from receiving male attention more than the sexual encounter itself. Some high- count women I know are actually anorgasmic.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Athene-

Yes, well, sure. Not all religious girls as chaste virgins!

I attended Catholic school. I'm well aware of how Catholic school girls are :)

The reason I stress upbringing over merely attending church (where a girl can certainly go to hide her lay count) is upbringing tends to be a lot 'stickier' than adult choices. Both due to the beliefs instilled in the individual while young, and due to whatever inherited inclinations she received from her parents who are giving her the religious upbringing.

You do get a lot of girls (like those sugar daddy vibe neighbors of yours) who try to use religion as a mask. "You can trust me, I'm religious." You see similar behavior from non-religious but-more-experienced women who use things like acting (intentionally) shy to come across sweeter and more submissive (and make men assume they must be delicate, inexperienced little flowers).

Any man who doesn't believe this just has to go do a little online dating (and get okay-enough at it). Some of the easiest girls to get hookups with are the ones with "I love Jesus" and "religion is an important part of my life" plastered all over their online dating profiles. Probably typically because if she is deeply religious, she hardly even thinks about it or feels the need to advertise it. And if she's advertising it, it's likely serving some purpose for her other than just trying to attract a priestly mate.

In the same vein as girls with a religious upbringing, I could also stress girls who've had conservative upbringings in general, sans religion. However these are rarer in the West. Most non-religious parents in the West tell their daughters to "just be themselves" and "follow their hearts" and "do what feels right", some variation of this. Even many of the naturally conservative ones hesitate to tell their daughters not to pursue lots of sex, because in the West the message is that holding one's daughter back like this is oafish, backward, and wrong, and no one wants to bring his daughter up in an oafish, backward, wrong way. But you still can find them.

Anyway, my recommendation is "check her upbringing". No guarantee she'll have hewed to a conservative upbringing, but it gives you a better start point thanpicking random girls off the street with no screening at all.

Also - great points on high-count, anorgasmic women. I've met plenty of these too. First few times you talk to them, it's odd to find out she's been with plenty of men but never cum aside from oral sex (or sometimes at all). Sometimes I think if these women learned to orgasm vaginally, they'd lock themselves down with whatever man was providing those orgasms. But then again, I've met plenty of highly orgasmic high count women as well, so... different motivations perhaps. One pursues the attention, the other pursues pleasure.

Chase

Gil's picture

Would it wrong to point out women have different sexual calibration standards with men? Women have the onus of birth control, risk getting pregnant, getting an abortion, putting the baby up for adoption or keeping the baby. Even with birth control sex is still a much greater booby trap than it is for men. The modern notion of child support can help a guy think a little longer about having risky forms of sex the way women always have.

Author
Chase Amante's picture

Gil-

Nothing wrong about it!

And it does affect women's decisions about sex.

Though for some women more than others. And there are plenty of women for whom getting pregnant can become a motivator for sex, especially as they get older. And not even necessarily with boyfriends, either.

Chase

SZ's picture

Hey Chase,

1.I wanted to know what is the right frame to get a girl over to your house for a first date? I also mentioned girls saying being too grown in my last comment, but what I meant by grown was that the girls were saying that we both are too grown to be just chillin at the crib. They are basically saying they need to go out and we're not kids anymore, so just chilling at the house doesn't work.

So how would I frame it the right way for having them come over my house and to go over their house?

2. How do you know you're safe Chase if you go over a girl's house after the 1st date or for a 1st date? I'm just thinking about multiple scenarios, because you're somewhere you might not know to well, you're not in control too much , because it's her place, she might have motives, and I feel it could be harder to sleep with them at their house because it's their rules.

Now mind you, I have slept with girls at their houses before, but I kinda knew them already.

Am I being too paranoid about this? Should I just stop the negative thinking and just try to go to their house?

3. How often would you say that we go to their house to have 1st date sex compared to asking them to come to our house?

4. How can you tell you will be OK at the girls house and how can you tell if it'll be OK for her to come to yours? I'm speaking from just meeting the girl, and just getting to know her.

Some girls hide how they really are until they want to show you, which could be months.

5. I mostly like having dates at my place or her place, i feel that they know were about to have sex, but I don't know how successful that would be with every single girl, think I I'll have an easier time just going on dates then to the crib or should I just do what I want and just chill at the crib?

Thanks!

Author
Chase Amante's picture

SZ-

On your first question, check out this article:

On #2, unless you're clearly a mark, you don't have much to worry about. Now, if you're a dressed up, wealthy-looking man in a bad part of town and the girl approaches you, and it all seems too easy, well, in that case, yes... Probably don't just go wherever she leads you to.

If it's a normal interaction and she's not dirt poor and you're not super rich compared to her, and it isn't way too easy to be real, and she isn't pushing you to go home with you, I've never seen anything to worry about in those situations. Maybe the worst thing that's ever happened to me is forgetting something at a girl's place (and then not knowing how to contact her later if I didn't take a phone number or write down her address).

#3 depends on you, man. As much or as little as you like.

#4 does she seem weird, drugged out, or crazy? Does she seem super slutty? Go to her place. If she's normal and you've had a few normal dates with her, or a normal non-drunk non-weird pickup, and it doesn't seem like she does this every weekend, sure, invite her to yours.


#5 if you can pull it off, go for it. See that article above to do that. Aside from that, try out inviting to your places vs. dates first, then home, and see which result in more girls in bed for you.

Screening for devotion is outside the scope of this article. I'll see about getting an article up on it in general, however.

Just because you meet her at church is no guarantee she'll be a devoted girlfriend. See the above comment thread with Athene. Meeting her at church is a filter, not a guarantee. Just like how if you hire a guy with an MBA you can be somewhat more confident he'll do a better job than the guy with a bachelor's degree, but there are still plenty of guys with MBAs who suck and plenty of guys with bachelor's degrees who are awesome.

As for being 'cold in the right way', check these articles out:

Chase

SZ's picture

Where you give us the three kind of girls we can get and the end of the article, I have to ask a question about that.

For the church girl, I thought that those would be the curious ones that would have sexual awakenings and we would have to stop dating eventually right? But here it sounds like the church girl will only want to be with you, and only you, could you please explain the difference to me. How would we know that these girls would really be devoted like that anyway?

Now to my main question:

After reading some articles on how men think about women, I honestly feel that I'm better than I thought, I just have very bad sticking points to get rid of, but anyway, my main point is about emotions when dealing with women.

I know you say to be warm, but I feel that us guys need to act cold as well, it doesn't feel good when you're excited to meet a girl or waiting for her text or excited to approach a girl, only for her to not feel anyway like that.

I know that girls have men come to them all the time, so they won't care as much as most guys, but to me I feel that not being somewhat cold is a disadvantage.

I feel that men shouldn't get their hopes up with women, they shouldn't get excited for dates, or numbers because women don't care most of the time.

It's like having a crush, but your crush doesn't feel the same, sucks doesn't it?

I hope I'm making sense, I've been up all day, but I'm trying to express what I'm saying as best as I can.

I just feel majority of women don't give a damn about you, nor should they, so I'd like to know how I could be cold, but in the right way.

I already don't give a damn about most women, but I want to see if I'm going the right way about it.

I do have moments where I think about girls I find very attractive, and think about fucking their brains out, but then I realize they most likely are in a whole nother world, so why should I be thinking about them? They should mean nothing to me.

I'll just stop my rant there and just ask:

How can I get rid of any excitement or having high hopes? I just want to be neutral, I don't want to have too many emotions when dealing with girls I want to fuck.

I catch myself thinking about girls I want to fuck that I missed out on, but then I'm realizing that these girls are moving on with their lives, why do I keep thinking about fucking them? I'm moving on with my life too, but these girls from the past or girls I'm just meeting shouldn't matter to me

I don't want no day dreams, I don't want to think too much, about what imma say or do, I want my mentality to be more of she's not important to me at all.

I don't want to be that guy that cares if she doesn't call or texts back, it's just whatever. I don't want to be a negative person, but I just don't want to get too emotionally invested in it.

I'm not saying this out of bitterness, but more as in, I'm thinking about fucking any girl for a while for example, or I think a chick might like me more than I think, so I get big headed, but she could careless, shawty don't give a damn, I don't want to give a damn either, but at the same time I don't want to lose girls because of my coldness.

There isn't any crush or girl, just girls that I want to fuck that I didn't from the past, that I know most likely think about me at all.

Girls want to know you don't give a fuck about them, but I don't really know how to display it the right way to them without being too cold.

Appreciate the help.

Anonymous's picture

I have to say this whole website is about teaching men to take on the burden of sin of women as well. If a girl treats you badly, it is your fault as a man. If she cheats on you, again it's your fault as man. If a man is not willing to wife up one among this generation of depraved women, it is his Madonna- Whore complex (the existence of which has well supported evolutionary reasons). If the man can't attract a woman, again he should own up to it and learn "game" to become complicit in womankind's dirty emotional games.

For a website which purports to depedestalize women, most of the content here is about making women the center of your life, let your whole mind and actions revolve around "getting" women and scoring and playing to their every whim and fancy. It is time we held women responsible for their immoral choices as men have been for centuries.

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