Her Raw Material or Your Relationship Skills: Which Matters More? | Girls Chase

Her Raw Material or Your Relationship Skills: Which Matters More?

relationship skillsOne of the more interesting questions in relationship management is this one:

The raw material of the person you’re working with, or your relationship management abilities: which matters more?

Stated differently, are you better off dating girls you know make excellent relationship candidates, or are you better off practicing excellent relationship management yourself?

Of course, you know my advice to you will be: “Do both!”

In my opinion, both these two guys:

  1. The guy who picks a girl who’s a terrible fit for a relationship, yet reasons he’ll be able to ‘change’ her or ‘handle’ her; and

  2. The guy who picks a girl who’s an incredible fit for a relationship, then proceeds to do everything wrong from a relationship management standpoint

... are equally screwed.

However, there are some wrinkles to this that are worth understanding.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.


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OldGuy's picture

A very late bloomer here of course, but forging the hot molten 'be yourself' bias that was nearly all my life into something more controlled has been a challenge. But necessary. Others in the manosphere moan, but Chase you remind us to man up.

Your previous article that Failed Relationships are Failures of Leadership by the Guy is so hard to swallow... but true. One gets swoony if things go well after the Game and honeymoon phases are over. You start relating like a young married couple. No you have to stay one-up (not one-down, except for that operant conditioning requirement very occasionally).

Very hard to hold frame after 3-6 months. Can you address this 'gear shifting' in a future article to make things last and also to maintain congruence as the relationship evolves. I think Ricardus had some advice here too some years back.

Chase Amante's picture

Old Guy-

Yeah, it’s odd, huh? There are so many forces in society working to strip individuals of their sense of personal responsibility. Not just men; women get fed the same “just be yourself” “it’s not your fault” “the right person will come along” lines. You end up with a lot of frustrated men and women waiting for life to give them what they want and perpetually disappointed when it does not deliver.

So I guess it’s a bit of a drop into cold water to realize if you want something, it’s on you to go and get it. Once you’re acclimated to that water though, it makes for a heck of a nice swim.

The gear shift… sure, I’ll note it down as an article. Though I can already what the core thrust will be (same thing I discussed in this article: run your relationship the way you want it from the beginning, except a bit less. Less of what you want, less frequency than you want, etc. Then as the relationship progresses, you gradually remove the restrictions and let it “float” up to the level you want it to be at.

I think Varoon and I may have talked about it in one of the two relationship podcasts we did recently too:


Ej's picture

Hey chase wanted to know if your material is headed towards intermediate to advanced or is it still beginner to intermediate

Chase Amante's picture


Depends on the subject!

If it's advanced I usually try to note that in the article.

My general aim with an article though is to make it accessible and usable to a pure beginner, such that if it's the first thing he's ever read on Girls Chase he can still grasp the concept and he'll have something he can go out and use. However I also aim to cover some nuance that'll still be either useful or at least a fresh way to think about things for the guys who are advanced.

If you want a targeted set of articles tailored to your level in particular, take the diagnostic quiz and go through whichever book you receive; that breaks down articles from beginner to advanced and walks you through them:

Girl Skills Diagnostic


simflip10's picture

Hi Chase,

I'm about to turn 23 in a few days & I've never been w/ any girls & I want to change that.

The problem is my fugly nose/face (I commented on here earlier and thanks again for replying - http://www.girlschase.com/comment/74794#comment-74794). Like I still don't understand how it's possible for us to be together caz you said it's about how she feels?

Like caz my nose-face is aesthetically poor to the point where I get about one eww per day, & face-to-face sometimes people struggle to look at me & make eye contact, etc.. Also my the way my face looks naturally looks angry/scary & if i'm turning my face & them seeing me suddenly & from different angles, like I've had girls/people go eww before on that or get scared, etc.

How can I be close together w/ a girl, face-to-face, close up kissing or having sex you know, & just hanging out & she's seeing me from different angles, etc.

So far, here's the "data" (lol) I've collected on my situation:

-I have sorta solid fundamentals (good posture, kind of fluid movements, some presence, dress simple-yet-well, higher hormones/always kind of turned on lol, sort of cool-appearing just caz of fundamentals)
-Most girls don't seem interested in me, or I think just stare at me caz of the peacock effect, etc.
-But about every 2 weeks, I get an AI from a cute girl, it's like the kind where the girl comes near you, & you can almost feel like she expects you to say/do something. The girls always tend to be the naturally cute, non-flashy girl-types you referred to in an article. Also I almost always act like I never notice the girl initially & let them see me first/watch me caz I'm scared of rejection/don't know if they're just staring so this prob contributes to an AI

-In all so about 1-out-of-20/25 cute girls I'm into seem interested back initially
-W/ some cute girls tho, like they've gotten "scared"/"taken aback" by my appearance, while the next time I see them or even just a little later on, they would come near me & it feels like they seem to want me to talk to them, like I don't understand how they work/think?
-Also my hairstylist, she's kinda cute, a bit older & married, & we talk during cuts, like i'm pretty solid at deep diving & getting to know girls, so like about the 5th time I saw her, before my haircut she told me I looked nice - lol this is like only the 2nd looks compliment i've ever received. How do girls work like this? We're also not so much face-to-face but she's always really close to my nose/face cutting my hair as any stylist would be so Idk

How can I help myself in this situation overall?

Tho I'm getting plastic surgery in October/hoping things get better, I still want to do something now caz a lot of cute college girls are home for summer & I have a high sex drive lol

Also what could I do about girls who just stare in an intriguing/curious way? Should I talk to them - Aka "practice" or see what happens?


simflip10's picture

Also I understand I'm not that good in some other areas but I want to know if it's possible for me w/ my nose/face, and if so, how/why it's possible so that I can understand better? Then I can work on the things I can control. Thanks Chase

simflip10's picture

Also just remembered 2 tibditbs you wrote before that contribute to my worries in this situation:
-People feel how your face looks (something like that I think)
-& Girls tie the emotions they feel around you to you

How can I work around these things?

Chase Amante's picture


Nope, you should not talk to girls. You'd be inconveniencing the 19 to 24 out of the 20/25 of them who don't like you if you walked up and complimented them. Not worth all that suffering to find the one cute girl who adores you.


What else can I say, man? Go talk to girls. If your nose is busted, who cares. Some girl's still going to like you anyway. Go find her.


Lawliet's picture

Hey Chase,

Just a follow up on that article, if she doesn't text us out of the blue, but was totally into us the first time we met and touches us, is there anything we can tempt her to chase?

I think I botched it when she said "Let's meet up for a coffee sometime outside of work".
I said, "Sure" and since I was busy, I didn't do number xchange then.

I brought it up from a conversation the next day, and said it'll be easier if we schedule through text (oops!). Just as expected, doesn't chase me over text.
I wonder if I brought up her invite, then followed by "Too bad work is too busy to set up a time" and left it at that, and she brings up "Let's trade numbers"... would have kept the dynamic.

Strangest is, the very day after number swap, she starts dolling up every time I walk by, and talks about sex and her vibrator with me, keeping it cool, I just feed it back to her without much reaction on the side as I kept working.

After that, everything cools down.

Re: Changing dynamic
First question is getting her to take initiative.
Second is, is it possible to change dynamics to "her chasing", sort of a "mixed signal" deal, tantalizing her, and then getting her chase. But how to do that?

Finally, if we botch it, and she's in auto rejection, I'm guessing there's no way of keeping the chasing dynamic anymore and we have to express interest in return to get her out of it. Which puts a permanent nail to getting her chasing us again?

This is so fun! But so addictive (validation)!
No wonder girls like having guy "friends".

Back to the basics, lawliet!
Just briming with ideas and potential situations all the time!
Guess fixing up a few ideas and rationale wouldn't hurt though ;)

Thanks Chase,

Chase Amante's picture


Not sure why you need a girl to chase you if she’s already told you she wants to meet up with you. She’s already chasing. Just schedule the meet. No need for all the game playing – don’t over-game her.

As for auto-rejection, just don’t forget the universal attraction reset button:

How Preselection Works to Get You Girls


SZ's picture

Chase, I think I asked my question about the alpha provider wrong.

I know that it is a powerful position and they respect it, but what I meant to ask was it mostly for the man to feel good about himself because he is the alpha provider or does he need to be one so his woman can respect him?

Does he need to become the alpha provider if he comes in as a provider or does the lover have to become the alpha provider if he has a long relationship with the girl or he marries the girl?

What I'm asking is, does every guy in a long term relationship have to be the alpha provider to get respect from his woman.

I also want to know how you Chase, are still the alpha of your relationships with girls with more money, if you don't care about being the alpha provider?

Is it because it is possible to not be the alpha provider and keep the girls respect or that you don't care to date these girls for that long that it will not become a problem ?

Also, why do big muscular dudes date fat women? I am definitely not like that nor want to be. Thanks for the article link, do you have anymore for increasing my fundamentals?

Chase Amante's picture


The man as alpha provider is the natural position of the male in a long-term male-female relationship. If the male is not the provider, the woman does not have much use for him over the long-term. It’s in her best interest to seek either a better-resourced man to provide for her and her children, or genetic diversity in her children by taking on other partners.

In cultures where men do not or are not able to serve as providers, you tend to see women stay with the same man only for brief periods of time and produce children with multiple different men. If men can’t provide, they’re only a hindrance to a woman, not an asset.

As for being the alpha of the relationship even if you make less money, I already answered that for you in a previous comment:


Money is one dimension of power. There are many other dimensions of power. Choose one and get powerful on it.

Muscular dudes + fat women is sexual market value. People date people at their SMV. Men overestimate the importance of muscle because they care more about another man’s physical power than many of his other traits. Muscle is not as useful to women. If all the guy has going for him are inflated biceps, he may well have to settle for a girl where all the thing she has going for her are blue hair and lip rings.

As for not getting set up, check out these articles:


SZ's picture

Been thinking about this Chase, do you think you can give me quick tips and an article on how not to be set up? I'm from the hood and you know you always have to be aware, I never did this online dating or same day lay.

How do you know of you're safe meeting up with this girl? whether your house or her house? if it's same day, how do you know she won't lead you to the wrong place? if it's online, how do you know it's cool to go to her house, how do you know it's cool to have her come over? how do you know it's even cool to get a hotel?

How do we become safe against this and be better prepared? What are the signs?

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