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Stop Obsessing Over Hypothetical "What Ifs" (If You're Not in the Field)

Chase Amante's picture
obsessed over what ifs
Are you worried about what might happen if you start to talk to women or date? These 'what ifs' are common – but also immobilizing.

Lately we've had a spate of guys in the comments or on the forums worried about this or that potential, hypothetical situation.

Typically these guys are not actually in the field. i.e., they are not actively approaching women and getting live experience with the opposite sex. Or, if they are, their activity levels are minimal.

Thus, these hypothetical situations are really more of a series of thought experiments for them.

And while it is good to try to get yourself some answers in advance, when you go too far into hypotheticals all you are really doing is tying yourself up.

The stuff guys get caught up worrying about when they're not active in the field tends to be stuff that they will almost never run into once they ARE active... or stuff that, if they run into it once they are active, they'll easily handle.

Or will discover is not actually that big of a deal.

Yet, because they aren't active, and are just imagining these things in their head, just like with the One Special Girl Problem™, and the Amazing Connection With A Girl You've Just Met Problem™, it is all too easy to blow things way out of proportion in their imaginations, and start fixating on stuff that is not as significant as they think -- or may not even be there at all.

"Pickup Artist Advice Doesn't Work!"

Chase Amante's picture
pick up artist advice
Have you tried out some advice from a pick up artist and it didn't work? Was it some pretty extreme bad advice, like "always do this super intense thing"?

I've interacted with lots and lots of students over the years.

You see all types, in terms of depths of study and levels of results:

  • There are the guys who study seduction for a bit and use it to get some lays and find a girlfriend

  • Then there are the guys who study seduction in-depth and go on to get respectably good with girls -- they rack up respectable notch counts, get some beautiful girls, and build a mini harem or settle down with a top notch long-term partner or wife

  • There are the guys who poke around with it a bit, read some, watch some, experiment a little, but never really commit to learning it, and drift off, eventually meeting whatever women come into their lives in more conventional ways (e.g., dating a friend's ex... hooking up with a girl from work... meeting some chick off a dating app, etc.)

  • Then you get guys who get into seduction for a while, do well with girls, but drift off to something else before they can really cement their results, presumably because woman success doesn't really do a lot for them and something else is more engaging to them

  • And, finally, in the 'most likely to leave irate and disappointed' category, you get the guys who get into it, became obsessive about it, but focus on the wrong things, and proceed to struggle for a while (sometimes for years), until they eventually flame out, sometimes angrily so

Among the guys who've actually studied seduction, except for those guys who flame out, there are generally positive feelings. It's pretty hard to argue that things like "keep your posture tall and erect" and "lead your conversations where you want them to go" is bad or harmful advice. Even if a guy doesn't stick with it long enough to get many immediate results, he will generally appreciate whatever he did learn.

However, there is a class of student that's mystified me for a long time.

This class of student will show up later on, typically after he's become disillusioned with a branch (or all branches) of seduction for this or that reason, and either accuse you (the teacher), or other teachers in the space, of giving shoddy advice that doesn't work.

Then you will ask him what this advice is that is not working for him, and he will tell you things that no seduction teacher has ever told a student to do, and that violate what you yourself personally tell people to do.

And you will wonder how did this chap get it in his head that this horrible advice he has seemingly pulled out of thin air is in fact what seduction teachers want people to do?

When I figured out what caused this, it also led me to a thinking mistake many students of just about any field (including seduction) appear to be prone to make.

That problem is the problem of thinking in extremes.

Want to Get Good? Make Predictions in Your Head

Chase Amante's picture

By: Chase Amante

pickup predictions
You can learn to read women's signals far more reliably, and shorten your seduction learning curve, if you first learn a simple little trick: how to predict with accuracy.

At the carnival, there is often a man (called, like all carnival workers, a 'carny') who will offer to guess your weight or age.

birth month guess trickSometimes carnies use trickery. For example, one might offer to guess your birth month, then write down something like the scribble on the right. That, of course, could be said to say January... or June... or July. If you say your birth month is any month other than October, the carny will have 'guessed' within two months of your actual birth month, and keeps your $2.

However, not all carnival guessing games use tricks. Some actually do rely on skill.

What is the skill involved in guessing someone's age or weight?

While there's no skill I know of to accurately guess someone's birth month, you can get scarily good at guessing weight very quickly... and guessing birth year (not month) is not nearly as hard as you'd think.

In fact, over the years I've developed the ability to guess women's ages with startling (even to me) precision. I am good enough at it that about 3 out of 4 times I guess the exact to-the-year age of whatever girl I am talking to, or am within a year of her calendar age, so long as she is somewhere between 18 and 36.

How do you develop this ability to accurately guess age or weight?

You do so by making predictions, and discovering if you are right.

You can make predictions about a whole lot more than just age and weight, too.

And the better you get at making various kinds of predictions, the more easily you will tend to discover things about whatever it is you've learned to predict.

The Law of Attraction Isn't Magic. It's Psychology

Tony Depp's picture

By: Tony Depp

attraction magic
The Law of Attraction isn’t some magical force, but it sure feels that way when you take the real, pragmatic steps necessary to build positive momentum.

In 2006, a book and movie about the Law of Attraction, The Secret, went super meme.

Suddenly, all my friends, coworkers, and family were like, “Just think positive! Have you seen The Secret?”

Now in 2019, it seems like everyone is a certified life coach. Or they at least watch Joe Rogan. But in 2006, the idea that “energy” could be manipulated by pure intention was still foreign, at least outside Yogis, Buddhists, and stoners.

Even I was seduced at first that “positive thought” could, through pure intent and without action, manifest your wildest dreams. At the time, spurred by my recent discovery of seduction material, it keyed up with my interest in self-development, which had a similar philosophy of “always positive, never negative.”

But could I just “think positive” and attract the most beautiful women into my life? Like magic? Could I just write a best-selling novel on my first try?

Not exactly.

The basic premise of The Secret is that there’s a universal energy called “The Law of Attraction,” and if you harness its power, you can create the reality you desire. The documentary had plenty of expert interviews with new-age pseudo-scientists, philosophers, and even Buddhist monks, who, with the power of love chants, could allegedly change the molecular structure of snowflakes. On the other spectrum, they claimed that negative words made the snowflakes wither and melt.

After watching The Secret, one couldn’t help but feel like their whole life had been lived in a deep, dark well of negativity, and if they only believed, then all their prayers would be answered. You didn’t need to actually “do” anything but “believe.” It’s your negativity and limiting beliefs that manifest your problems. So, if you just stop focusing on your problems, you won’t create them. Just focus on positive thoughts, and you’d create only positive outcomes.

That’s where the philosophy lost me. It just sounded an awful lot like prayer for agnostics, a religion for people without religion. Instead of praying to Jesus, you pray to the Law of Attraction. “Oh, The Secret, please fill my bank account with money and help me get laid!”

The Secret was a massive success, and a long-forgotten Buddhist philosophy was re-introduced to the Western world: a world without religion, desperate for some sort of spiritual guidance. And thousands of motivational Facebook memes later, its influence can still be felt.

What Does It Mean to Be "Passionate"?

Tony Depp's picture

By: Tony Depp

passionate
What are you passionate about? Do you even know? Let’s explore what fuels passion and how to discover what drives and fulfills you in work, life, and love.

What does it mean to be passionate? And why is it important to have passion?

One of the biggest problems I see in 99% of guys I work with is not knowing what to say to women. When I ask them what they’re passionate about, they shrug their shoulders. They have no clue. It’s a question they’ve never been asked or really thought about. No wonder their conversations with women are as interesting as talking to a toaster.

Most of us are so addicted to consuming massive quantities of data from our smartphones that our brains become stuffed with garbage, most of which we can’t remember a few hours later.

It’s through sharing that we realize our passions, but we don’t share our thoughts in human, face-to-face interactions as much as we did before social media.

There’s a reason I make my coaching clients take notes, write field reports, and discuss their approaches with me and on forums. When you discuss things with other minds, you sort out the information and cement the lessons learned. When you get excited to share something with other people, that’s when you know you’re truly passionate about it.

So why is it important to feel passion, and to be passionate?

  • It makes life worth living

  • It’s a contagious and inspiring emotion that lifts people’s spirits and brings others closer to you

  • It’s a strong motivator for creating, exploring, and improving

  • It’s sexy

How to Do a 10-Minute Meditation that Eliminates Bad Emotions

Chase Amante's picture

how to meditateI've been meditating since I was 18 years old.

That's half a lifetime ago for me now.

I didn't get into meditation as part of any kind of spiritual belief system.

I prayed as a child when I was a Christian. But by the time I started meditating, I was an atheist.

I'm more spiritual again now, happily (atheism was always an angry, dissonant, lonely belief system for me; I've never liked nihilism, but it's difficult to resist it when your foundation is rejection of the immaterial). That's led my meditation practice to become much deeper, and both more rewarding and also more useful.

However, the kind of meditation I'll talk about with you today is the kind I was doing when I believed in nothing other than the material. It was useful to me then, and I still use it today.

This may not be anything too new if you're a long-time meditator yourself.

But I know many folks aren't.

So today I'd like to introduce you to how to do a 10-minute meditation that clears away toxic thoughts, large pressures, and unhappy feelings.

Mental Masturbation: A Pleasurable Yet Unproductive Activity

Tony Depp's picture

mental masturbation

Mental masturbation, the act of wasting valuable brainpower on pointless thoughts, is a game killer.

I had a coaching client recently who asked if I could answer a few questions. I said sure, expecting the usual “How do you know what to say to girls?” or “How do I get over my approach anxiety?” Instead, he sent me a list of 20 incredibly complex queries, including doozies like the following.

(Note, if the author is reading, I love you, bro: this is for your benefit.)

Here’s #2 from his list:

“What have you found in terms of the structure you would talk to a girl in terms of: Questions, Statements, Cold-reads, Roleplaying, Teasing, Paraphrasing, Facial/Body/Hand Expressions and Gestures, Flirting, Pretending, Imagine, Advice, Helping, Acting, Deep diving, Humor, Sexuality, Storytelling, Relating, Apologizing, Compliments, Kino, Reinstating for understanding, Leading, Protection, Boredom, and Silence? How do emotions also play a role in the structure, are there things to look out for and a general rule for how to get back on the rails without looking desperate, needy, or fake, rather than someone she desires?”

Translation: “How do I speak confidently to women, without running out of things to say?”

Answer: Study, practice, study, practice.

Here’s another:

“How do you manage crossovers, so when two people want or believe something different about each other, but only one believes, or situations that can work at a time due to conflicting matters? Or it is impossible? How can it be steered in your direction rather than being a pushover? How dominant is the optimum, and where is the balance if there needs to be because her attraction starts dropping due to conflicting beliefs? For example, a real situation I have had, you are talking to a girl, and she believes that listening to music is not inspiring when you believe it is, and you have already stated that, but she will not change her mind on the topic regardless?”

Translation: “When should I agree or disagree with women?”

Answer: Studies have shown when someone initially disagrees and then switches their opinion, that person becomes less attractive. In general, you don’t want to be a pushover, a limp noodle who changes opinions based on the likelihood of getting laid. Women are especially good at detecting BS. It’s usually better to either tell the truth about your feelings and beliefs or say “No comment.”

Approach Anxiety: 1 Simple Mindset Flip to Talk to More Girls

Chase Amante's picture

approach anxietyYou won't always be super active with approaching new women.

You'll go through stretches where you're focused on work or other things. You might only approach opportunistically, to girls who show a lot of interest. Or you might break off approaching entirely for a time.

After you take a little time away like this, after a while when you want to get back to approaching, the rust comes back... and you have to deal with approach anxiety all over again.

When you're not in the habit approaching a lot, especially when you're not in the habit of making uninvited approaches (where the girl hasn't signaled you to open), there's anxiety.

  • What am I going to say to her? you'll ask yourself.

  • I'm not warmed up, I don't feel confident using one of my regular openers.

  • I'm not sure what I'll say to her AFTER the opener.

  • She's not in an easy place to get to, if she isn't into me it's going to be awkward to move away from there.

You might go out intending to chat up women, and end up chatting to no one.

Yet, there's something you may have once known... something you forget when you don't approach as actively.

And as soon as you remember it, you can be fine.

You start approaching again in earnest, shake the approach anxiety off, and have no trouble meeting girl after girl.

That one thing you can remember (or learn, if you hadn't previously known it) -- the one great trick you can use to get yourself approaching after a hiatus from it -- is the difference between creating attraction and finding attraction.

4 Common Sticking Points in Learning Any Skill

Tony Depp's picture

sticking point
When we’re stuck short of realizing our desires, it’s often hard to figure out why we aren’t moving, especially when our sticking points come from within.

When you are trying to learn an epic new skill like seduction, you’re inevitably going to experience sticking points.

A sticking point is a spot in your journey you can't past unless something changes. It’s like heavy mud on your boots, keeping you from moving forward.

But it can still be confusing as to what a sticking point entails. For example, if you’re from Pakistan and you want to live in London, but you can’t get past the bureaucracy to obtain a travel visa, this isn’t a sticking point. If, however, you obtained a visa but have a deep fear of flying keeping you from traveling, this is a sticking point.

If you want to meet a girl you like, but she won’t reply to your texts, this isn’t a sticking point. If you have her contact info, but you don’t know what to text her, this is. You can always improve your skill with texting, but you can’t force a girl to reply.

So, how does one identify and get past sticking points? How does one come to find themself on the other side of personal obstacles and achieve their goals?

Game-Life Balance

Chase Amante's picture
game-life balance
How do you balance game (as in, the art of getting together with women) – and the pursuit of getting better and better at game – with the rest of your life?

On a recent article of mine, Sub-Zero comments to ask about what we might call 'game-life balance':

Hey Chase,

1. I was wondering with going out 3-4 times a week, how do we handle that if we work 9-5?

should we go to the club early and leave at like 1, instead of staying until close around 3ish during weekdays?

then you got to think, what if you take girls home? then who knows how long you'll be out and you'll have work in the morning.

how did you pull it off?