Girls Chase author William Gupta (read his articles here) talks race and dating with Varoon Raja. Namely, how big a role does race play, what are the stumbling blocks different racial minorities run into, and how can men of minority backgrounds succeed with all types of women?
Topics covered in this podcast include:
The
vapid
stares, the uninteresting conversation, the constant
references to celebrity doings and pop culture happenings you haven’t
the slightest inkling of.
She’s cute, and you’d like to sleep with her, but she’s just so... dumb.
It’s simply impossible to connect with her.
For a long time, the moment I realized a girl I was talking to was ‘dumb’ was the moment I gave up any hopes of bedding her.
I knew we had nothing in common. No shared interests. No mutual conversation topics. We could talk past each other, but we’d both merely bore one another with our respectively boring topics.
Eventually, however, I realized I was being kind of dumb myself; if there’s attraction there, it shouldn’t matter how many common interests you share... you only need one common interest: an interest in each other.
Realistically, if you want to go to bed with her, and she wants to go to bed with you, how much more ‘in common’ do you actually need?
It turns out, not much.
This is Part 3 of my series on why relationships fall
apart. Part 1
was on game-personality disconnect,
when the approach you use for getting her clashes unfavorably with the
version of ‘you’ she gets to know while actually dating you. Part 2 was
on the problem of your long-term value to her being unclear,
when she doesn’t see the value there from you she wants or expects in a
long-term mate.
Our topic for today is stability issues; basically, when she feels insecure in the relationship.
If you’re a veteran of long-term relationships (or even had your fair share of short-term ones with as-yet hopeful girls), you’ve no doubt heard the following common refrains:
“What are we?”
“Where is this going?”
“I need to know this is headed somewhere.”
“I just need to know I’m not wasting my time.”
What a woman’s telling you when she utters one of these phrases is that the stability of the relationship is lacking, and she needs you to calm the rocky seas.
These are just the surface of the ocean, however. There’s a whole body of seawater and a thousand leagues beneath it you must grasp if you’re to prevent stability issues capsizing your relationship.
Comporting oneself well, removing tics, fidgets, and other nervous gestures, and giving oneself a general bearing of a man of breeding and distinction are some of the foundations of good fundamentals, no matter what identity you strive to embody.
This is Part 2 of my series on why relationships fall apart. You can read Part 1, on what I called ‘game-personality disconnect’ (where you use one persona to get her, then adopt a different persona in the relationship) here.
Part 2 is on your long-term value proposition. That is to say, if she’s going to stick around with you, there must be a clear value proposition there over the long-term.
If you have an easy time sleeping with new women but a hard time keeping them around, it’s likely this issue is your bugbear.
The biggest part of this issue, of course, is understanding the answer to this question: what does this girl require of a man for her to stick with him long-term?
Unless you can answer that, it’s luck you rely on that she stays with you.
Today, let’s talk about how you rely on something more than luck.
Sometimes, you’ll have met a girl and be talking with
her, or you’ll
be on a date with her, and you’re at that point with things where you
would (normally) move to the next step.
Only, you try to go to that next step with her, but she’s not going.
She’s not ready for the courtship or the seduction to escalate to the next stage, and, thus, refuses.
Maybe you’re having a great conversation with her at the bar, and you suggest the two of you grab seats. Nah, she says, she’s got to stay at the bar.
Perhaps you’ve had a wonderful conversation on a date with her, and you want to take her home. Only, you make the invite, and she tells you she’d rather spend some more time at the café you’re at.
Or, you’ve met this girl on the street and walked all over town with her, but she simply won’t grab food with you or accompany you anywhere else... even though it feels like she ought to be ready to.
What do you do when it’s time to escalate... but she’s not ready?
With this article, I’m kicking off a new series called
“Why
Relationships Fall Apart” that I’ll make further installments in as the
weeks go by. The first in the WRFA series is on something I’ve deemed
‘game-personality disconnect’. A comment from a reader named ‘straw’ in
my article on “Why Women Misremember the Past”
describes this perfectly:
“Hi Chase.
As much as i dont have much problem with pick up and short term relations, I have found it impossible to maintain a longer relationship. It is almost as if suddenly my value dropped to zero. The pattern repeats itself all the time and its been going on for years now. At the beginning, women get crazy about me, the persue a relationship and after more or less 3-4 months there is a complete almost overnight shoft in the interest department.
Is it possible that I employ too much game at the beginning so they are attracted to someone im not? I may put on some game at the beginning which makes them pursue me hard and then the moment i get involved, usually after a couple of months, i show them i am involved and their interest drops, they start criticizing me, and its almost like eveything i do is SUDDENLY bad and wrong or ridiculous.
If yoy are in a relationship with somebody of course you show you care, what would be the point otherwise. Why does my value drop a couple of months after we enter the relationship?”
The problem straw has run into is that the way you attract and take women itself serves as a screening tool, drawing in the women who are most attracted to that ‘style’.
Just like you probably have your own preference for submissive girls or feisty girls, and girls of an opposing style bore you or drive you nuts, women have their preferences too – and if you lure in women looking for one thing by behaving like it, only to revert to something else later on, for her it’s kind of like buying a ticket to a metalcore concert because that’s her scene only to show up there and discover it’s jazz (or vice versa).
Here’s an oldie but a goodie from the bygone days of Fast Seduction: Jay’s (Formhandle’s) pre-approach invitation male approach invitation, which used the (rather exhausting) acronym ‘pAImAI’.
It’s a complicated-sounding name for a simple technique: behave in an attention-grabbing way that entices women to send you approach invitations.
If you do nightlife often, you’ll likely have started doing this one on your own already.
If you don’t, and you want to make your opening easier, you’ll probably find it useful.
When I decided to start gunning hard for significantly improved social skills in 2004, that was when I had to come to grips with how hopelessly miserable my current social skills were, and how hopelessly far behind I was socially compared to everybody else.
Some part of me enjoyed being the total outsider, because I enjoyed the independence of the man apart, the one cut off from society. I figured this would make my eventual triumph all the more poetic. It was only when I set about trying to bring that triumph about that I came to realize it would be even tougher than I’d estimated.
What I quickly discovered was that even some of the most basic social rules were alien to me. What do people talk about? How do they join conversations and move between groups? How do they not trip over their own feet socially and look dumb and find themselves excluded?
I’d already developed a good wit and the ability to tell an entertaining story by that point, so I wasn’t flying completely blind. But general conversation – interacting with other human beings in a setting in which I was not the guy on stage, cracking jokes or spinning stories or showing off my musical talents, was unknown to me. And was most human interaction... I couldn’t lean on jokes or tales or busting out freestyles to help there.
So, this one goes out to the social newbs, starting off hopelessly behind everybody else, realizing the rest of mankind has a 10+ year head start on them in learning how to socialize.
Let me tell you what I did, and give you some suggestions about what you can do.
One of the cycles familiar to lots and lots of people is the break-up-get-back-together cycle.
If you’ve been dating before, odds are you’ve gone through this once or twice (or thrice, or more) yourself.
Here’s how it works: you and a girlfriend break up. Then after a while, you realize how perfect she’d been for you, and reach out to her to get back together. Or, you’re plugging along in your single life, when she reaches out to you and wants to see you again.
Then pretty soon, you’re back together. For a few days or a few weeks, it’s as great as ever!
Then things go back to the way they were before the first time you broke up. If you initiated the breakup before, you may start wishing you’d stayed broken up. If she’d initiated the breakup before, you may notice she’s become annoyed with those same things about you that precipitated the initial breakup in the first place.
So you break up again. A little time goes by, and maybe you get back together again. Then maybe you break up again later.
Here’s a question you may not have asked yourself, though: why do you do this? And why does she do it?
Obviously it’s kind of a silly nonsense dance, isn’t it?
Either stay together, or stay broken up, right?
Yet you aren’t doing that. But why?
