We Are Not Having Sex Tonight: What Happens When You Don’t | Girls Chase

We Are Not Having Sex Tonight: What Happens When You Don’t

We've been seeing more comments from readers lately asking about situations like what Mike ran into the other day as remarked on the "How to Steal a Girl" article:

Hey Chase,

I am 19 and I really appreciate all the insightful information you've made available for guys like me to read who aren't all that experienced.

I have a situation where I've been talking with a girl for a few months, and I finally got to see her for the first time two weekends ago(we live a state apart from each other) after texting, talking on the phone and FaceTiming daily before that.

She had been giving me slight hints that she liked me by little mannerisms and things that were made aware to me by reading your posts. Also, I flew up to see her and she dropped $250 on the hotel and drove me around all weekend, so I got her to invest. The first night I had a plan to have sex with her, and followed your suggestions that you had laid out to the tee.

The night started off great and I could tell she was into me so physical escalation was simple, but after quite a bit of foreplay I made a rookie mistake and left my condoms out of reach. And when I tried to make the move to get them, it took her out of seduction mode and allowed her to think, reminding herself about the internal moral belief she had told me previously about not having sex with guys she's not in a relationship with; therefore killing the vibe for the night.

This was on a Friday night and we spent the rest of the weekend hanging out since we made a special occasion due to the long distance situation. Nothing happened sexually on Saturday or Sunday and she was acting aloof and uninterested on Sunday so I could tell something was up.

I left for home unsure of what was on her mind and now, over a week later, in the time that has passed she has been short texting me with nearly zero emotion or ignoring my texts altogether. In addition, she turned down my offer to facetime, which she has never done before. So it is obvious that something is up, but when I resorted to going "alpha-male" and looking for a response she said she's "been busy?" and didn't respond to my next text asking about it.

Is this a sign of auto-rejection? Or is she testing me with the mixed signals BS? I am really in my head, beating myself up about things I may have done wrong because I know she likes me, but I'm not sure how things could have gone sour so quickly. I thought I had her chasing me and I know she was into me but now I'm afraid I'm getting close to chasing her. Once again, I'm really thankful for all the work you do. I'm aware that this is a lot and my situation is a unique one. I would greatly appreciate any advice and feedback you have for my situation!!

Thank you for your time,


not having sex

That is to say, situations where the guy takes things right up to the point of sex with a new girl... only for it to fall flat; she says 'no', and he walks away, figuring he can always try again later.

Except, after that single failure, there's almost never a "later."

Why do women vanish after you come right to the brink but don't go over - what's the psychology behind this, and what are the options you have to do anything about it?

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.


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cwongucd's picture

Dear Chase,

Very enlightening article. I just finished reading your ebook, so much info to digest. Anyway, I have a quick question regarding to this article, it is basically about 2 paragraphs that you wrote before. I find them a bit contradicting. The first paragraph is from this article:

1) [Generally speaking, the less experienced the woman, the worse she is at gauging a man's ability to overcome her resistance or not (because she hasn't collected enough data points yet on resisting and that resistance's outcomes with various men), and the more uncertain she is about whether she definitely wants sex for sure or not, so the more likely she is to just throw up a wall of resistance at all takers unless she's the thrill-seeking sort.]

THEN, in your article 'Are We Just Friends? Does She Like Me Back or Not?', you mentioned the following:

2) [The women most resistant to a skilled seducer moving quickly and well are women who have a lot of experience around sex and seduction. If a "slut" is a girl who's had sex with a lot of men quickly and easily, "sluts" are the girls best able to delay most men the longest and resist sex the most firmly. That degree of skill comes only with experience.]

HOWEVER, aren't these two paragraphs contradicting each other? So in general, Are Inexperience women harder to bed? Or easier to bed? Please clarify my confusions.

Thank you very much, Chase!

Your ebook is fabulous! I will start applying since I am done reading. :)

C. Wong

Chase Amante's picture

C. Wong-

Depends on where you're at with your ability to escalate and close relative to her ability to resist. When you're a beginner, you'll generally have a harder time with women who are beginners too, because they put up those resistance walls and you won't break through. Meanwhile, more experienced women will let you get through if it's what they want, or, if they recognize that you're simply less experienced (and they will), and they think that's cute and want to extend it into a relationship, they'll block you from getting through once or twice, then allow it you to reach intercourse when they decide the time is right. Once you're very experienced though, women who are substantially less experienced are basically like fighting paper dolls, while more experienced women relative to you are still the same level of difficulty they were before - which used to make them easier the less experienced women, but now makes them more challenging.

You might think about it like this: inexperienced women (relative to you) have high walls that you can go under or around with a sufficiently advanced skill set. Experienced women (again, experienced relative to you) have walls you'll have a much harder time getting around, but they're also a lot more likely to leave a side door open in those walls or let down a rope ladder to scale them with because they'd like to see you succeed.

Another way of thinking about it: if your escalation is something she hasn't seen before, she's going to be more likely to either melt outright, or to freeze up and say, "Okay! This is as far as we go!" but because she's standing still, if you know what you're doing, you've got plenty of options for how you warm her up and open her up and bring her arousal to the boiling point. Her emotions will be more extreme, dependent on the outcome, because she was not really in control; if sex happens and it's a good experience, she stands a good chance of becoming a huge fan of yours in a hurry; if it doesn't happen at all, she's going to write it off as having dodged a bullet and won't want to see you again.

Alternately, if she's seen your moves a number of times already, she's going to smile to herself and say, "Okay, all right, I've got it... he's THIS kind of guy. Well I'll just do this and this and that and he's going to go nuts trying to figure out how to get me. I'll let him have me once he's good and ready... if he holds on," or she may just say, "Well, he's not all that smooth, but I like him enough anyway," and give little to no resistance. This makes these women easier for beginners, who have trouble getting around inexperienced women's walls, but not as easy relative to inexperienced women for you once you're more advanced, since with inexperienced women you can be in control and do what you like as an intermediate or more advanced guy, whereas with these women you will struggle to or fail to, and be forced to either give up or go at their pace.

Of course, get enough experience, and almost every woman you meet is inexperienced by comparison, and you'll have escalation tools in your tool box that even girls with high notch counts haven't seen yet.


Michal's picture


I would add to the list of "overcoming LMR" your article about Adressing women's objections.

Also, there is something that came on my mind reading this. I heard that if in certain situations, like awkward silence situation, if you point at it, it disappears. Concretely: "I dont want to be awkward but aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaam." Should do the trick. I dont know how to desribe it better, I hope you got the idea. In what type of sitution and what can I point out to ease up others?

I mean, I got: "I only have sex with my boyfriends" once and I said: "Ok, you can understand this as our first sexual experience and begining of our relationship," with a little smile and a little droped eyelids and she let me in. And I said this because I my first thought was "I can be your boyfriend, but people in relationship have sex and I dont think we can establish anything if we call it of tonight". So I stopped, kissed her neck first to give myself time to come up with better answer and then said the first line. I wonder if I answered with something like "I am your boyfriend now" or that "I can be your boyfriend" what it would really communicate to the girl.

And I guess saying "No, I am sure you are sexual being and you have one night stands because you have your needs and during the time you dont have a boyfriend, I am sure some really hot guy can take you to bed. So dont use this boyfriend line on me" would kill the mood entirely - and that is what I wanted to ask. When can I point out the real issue she tries to just cover with confusing words?

Oh and I forgot I got laid this Friday thanks to all you guys writing here, but I am sure you got that :-)


Chase Amante's picture


Good addition - for anyone reading the comments, that article's here: "Addressing Women's Objections."

Glad to hear you're getting girls in bed! The boyfriend statement - yeah, it's a weird one where the girl says that. Sometimes it's an effort to get commitment out of you prior to the act, while other times it's an attempt to save face and make the girl appear not too loose. Your best bet is something that confuses her logically while reassuring her emotionally that you won't be judging her - I like responding to this one with, "I only have sex with my wives," and then proceeding. Her logic goes, "Huh?" while her emotions experience a range of 1.) reassurance that you're not judging her for having sex outside a relationship, and 2.) excitement that you're one-upping her and beating her at her own game. You should make a mental note when it happens though that you didn't properly set the right expectations prior to sex if she feels she either can secure commitment or needs to gain reassurance she won't be judged.

You usually DON'T want to put out her real nature, unless you can do this very warmly and delicately in a totally non-accusatory way - but if you were going to do it, you'd have done it earlier, and doing it in emotionally loaded situations is not when you want to do that - that's when you want to be taking care of her emotions, rather than challenging her. If she feels challenged, her instinct is going to be to back off, close up, and defend herself, which only lodges her more firmly into the position she's just adopted.

Sometimes you can get away with it, though - I have responded to girls saying, "I only do this on the third date," or, "I don't have sex outside relationships," with things like, "And yet, here we are - how do you explain that?" or, "Oh, I see - but doing this [whatever sexual thing we're doing] is okay though, right?" and then laughing. That generally leads to more resistance and the girl closes off a bit, but it also makes her realize she does not hold to her own arguments, and if you're persistent she'll generally quit resisting and embrace intimacy a little while after that.


Edd--19's picture

Hey Chase,

I was just in this position a few days ago from you posting this; reading this now makes me mentally kick myself. All of your advice is great and, even though I'm new to the scene, works really well when I've applied it properly. I'm certain you are one of the best pickup artists and gurus around.

If there are any articles which you consider the more urgent ones to read and start learning would you mind listing them below.


Chase Amante's picture


Welcome aboard, and happy to see you're having success applying the material. Certainly, it's frustrating to realize you've lost an almost sure thing... but, once it's happened a few times and you learn the lesson from it, you'll find it stops happening (since you won't let it!).

For getting started, we're actually cooking up a proper "getting started with the site" guide, since it's grown to the point where there's a lot of information to dig through now - that should be out in late October or early November (that's the target, anyway).

Meantime, you can check out "How to Get a Girl" for a brief getting started guide focused on some of the older material, "How to Find the Woman You Most Want: A 10-Step Process" for a much more comprehensive and recent guide for much of the material here pre-fall of 2012, and the Newbie Assignment on the discussion boards for a very practical, getting-out-there style series of missions and reading assignments to get you going. There's a great community of guys on there, many of whom have done or are doing the Newbie Assignment, and have managed to eke out some pretty nice results from it.


Sam2's picture

Chase, your article comes just after another first date where I got the girl to my place within 45 minutes and sex didn't happen due to LMR. After a year of applying the "now or never" logic to sex, I think that this is the only part of your ideas that didn't work for me and here is why. I am not the barman type of guy. I talk well and women perceive me as a classy man suitable for the boyfriend slot. Whenever I tried to disqualify myself for this role by stating that I am leaving the country in the midterm, women just vanished. Women also talk with me during first date projecting "us" to the future. So far, I tried to fight it and here are my results: within 5 months I got 7 women to my place on first date, only 1 had sex without LMR. With the rest I quit after 30 minutes of effort and did not play their game for a second date. However, my inexperienced friends get regularly sex on 2d and 3d date and keep women around by making them think they will stick around, while meeting new women. They say to me "you are too rigid and you lose women because of that. Why not be patient, lay back, do seemingly what she wants you to do, get sex later to prove that you will stick around and once you get it you manage the situation as you wish?" They get more, while I get less.

Chase Amante's picture


Aye, that's the problem with moving fast - you must structure yourself as the kind of man women are looking for to move fast with. That doesn't necessarily have to be a barfly, but it's not just the elimination of boyfriend qualities, but the establishing of lover ones as well.

I had a friend who lived in a really crummy apartment with leaks and poor lighting and a horrible bed in a bad part of town. He'd take girls home there the day he met them or on the first date, and he'd have sex with them nearly every time.

When his business fortunes improved, he moved into a posh, upscale apartment right smack in the middle of downtown. Really beautiful place - big, spacious, and luxurious. But when he'd bring girls back there, he'd run into so much resistance that suddenly he wasn't able to sleep with any of the women he took home. Eventually he realized it was the apartment - before, women would see his apartment and think, "This guy's definitely not long-term material," and all their reservations would disappear. With the new place, they'd see it, and think, "Wow! I'd better hang onto him. Better not let him think I'm too easy..." and he'd never get them. Eventually he made enough changes to how he interacted with women that he was able to compensate for the effects of having a really nice place, but it took him a little while to do.

The best things to work on for this are anything that create more sexual vibes, tension, and intentions between you and the women you meet with:

In the interim though, while you're still working on it and women are seeing you more as a boyfriend candidate, skip trying to pull on the first date and instead use date compression - see this article:

Also, the idea behind removing yourself as a boyfriend candidate is in doing so in a mysterious, romantic way, rather than a cut-and-dry "sorry, off the table" way - rather than saying, "I'm leaving the country in 6 months," the way you'd phrase something like that is, "I may be leaving, and it may be soon; the nature of the work I do means that one day I'm here, and the next day I may well be gone." That allows a woman to see you as a romantic man of intrigue, rather than just some guy who's not going to be around... and where's the fun in a guy you know who's leaving who isn't otherwise exciting or mysterious? You must make her wonder...


CoolSmoove's picture

Hey Chase,

Great article as always! Been reading your material for a couple of years now and it has definitely changed my life! Anyways I just had a date with a woman that I just met a couple of weeks ago this Friday. Conversation was great, threw in chase frames, had a sexy vibe going, and mystery and intrigue. Basically felt like my seduction game was on put. Got her alone at a lake and I applied a manhandle kiss on her while we were talking...she melted! I stayed cool, pulled back first maintained a strong sexual frame and after a great deal of resistance, teasing, and foreplay (two hours!) we finally had sex. The thing is, I couldn't feel ANYTHING with the condom on and went soft twice. She enjoyed the penetrative sex while i was hard and i continued kissing and rubbing her body when i went soft. Afterwards she said, " I dont think he likes me yet (referring to my penis) . We both didn't finish and decided to call it a night. We talked and kissed each other goodnight. I'm setting up a meet once I get some time on my hands to see her again. What's your take on the interaction? What do you think caused this to happpen and what could I have done better to make it better next time?


Chase Amante's picture


I'm guessing you're fairly inexperienced so far? It's pretty common to not have much sensation your first few times having sex, and it takes a few times to really get into it. That's partly due to it being so new to you that you're never really "in the moment" and are instead thinking things through logically the entire time - sort of the antithesis of being able to let go and enjoy - and also partly due to the kind of stimulation you're receiving being different from what you're probably accustomed to from manual stimulation (assuming you're like 99.9% of guys out there, and hands preceded vaginas!).

Sex gets better as you have it more, and there are also a lot of different options in condoms - you'll want a thin, lubricated type, and possibly one with ribbing, to increase stimulation.

Sensation also varies by woman - some women have much tighter vaginas than others, and some drier, others wetter. The looser and wetter she is, the less you're going to feel - if she's too wet, sometimes it makes sense to withdraw, dry yourself off, and go back in.


Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase,

Everything here is spot on even the reply to the comment above I totally can relate with what you've shared here maybe even more than with other insights that you've gave over the past cause this is what I’ve been "fighting with" recently. I've been in girls apartments and started escalation but didn't persist enough I’ve had girls over with which I persisted more when she was like dry humping me and even though she was telling me that "we are Not having sex" I tried some of the things that you advice in other articles but still didn't manage to get pass the wall even if I never gave up while she was inside my apartment I even tried the "freeze out" technique that part of the community says that it's the bulletproof method against LMR (though thinking back maybe I didn't do it properly) other PUA's say that once you get LMR it's pretty hard to come back the best thing it's to prevent it and they advice using reverse psychology to avoid it. I guess this goes into calibration and nobody can teach you the fact is you just have to calibrate yourself and you need to go through that trial and error even though it's not the most wonderful of feelings when you lose girls this way (I wanted to say great girls but I’m trying to stay away from mind fucking myself and projecting everything I want on to “that girl”). Maybe you could share some more useful tools to get pass resistance and last minute resistance i.e. a more in depth breakdown for example something along the lines of if you go to unbutton her pants and she says no you stop rinse and repeat later or... anyway nothing beats experience under your belt no pun intended so I’m going to keep going for that!

Thanks for all

Chase Amante's picture


Have you read through the articles linked at the end of this one on getting past resistance? There's a whole host of information there on this subject.

I'm not a fan of freeze outs - these may work if she already heavily wants you, and you simply need to make her realize how much she wants you, but if the problem is she's uncomfortable or unsure, which is USUALLY what the problem is, freezing her out only adds to the weirdness of the situation, rather than resolving it.

Resistance is certainly able to be overcome, and perhaps a large portion of the time - at the simplest, think of it as a battle of wills, with you wanting to move faster, and her (or PART of her, anyway) wanting to move slower. If she absolutely does NOT want you, she will not stay there with you fending off advances - she'll simply get up and leave. So, a good way of thinking about resistance is this: both you and her have some reservoir of willpower, and you're going to escalate and she's going to resist until one of you gives in to the other, or she gets fed up and leaves. In my experience, it's pretty rare that the woman leaves, because once you're escalating, there's a large part of her that's excited and WANTS it. Once the part of her (usually the logical part) that's trying to resist runs out of energy, the part of her that wanted it wins - and sex then ensues.


Anonymous's picture

Ahhh, so women that are emotionally invested that don't get what they want from you will shut down harder, makes sense.

What if you get them even more emotionally invested AFTER not giving them sex?

Like in my case (screwed up on a trip to hometown with girl I met from friend) didn't give her sex after making her feel amazing and being pedastalized by her, then after the fact insulting her hard and getting her to cry to my friends how big of an asshole I am etc.

Also, what if you sort of reject a girl and then she emotionally invests. Say a girl wants you really badly, you moved a bit slow, then finally go for escalation, she resists, and then a little bit later you reject her by saying something like "I'm not going to kiss you" .."Normally I would try again, but with you I'm not going to bother" .... I did that to a girl and when I said I'm not going to kiss you she had the most furious look on her face. She ended up emotionally investing after it.

When you "reject" a girl like that they shut down for good too, right? Or is it possible if she's that cute and never had that happen to her that would increase your odds of seeing her again and bedding her if you want to? Tough question I know. I just feel like if you do something to a girl that no one has ever done that ends up getting her to invest emotionally in you, you have a better chance of seeing them again. Clearly depends though. Would love your thoughts. Thanks.

Chase Amante's picture


I don't have any experience rejecting women hard, then having them invest, then turning around and taking them to bed after all - I may sometimes playfully reject a girl as a form of push-pull, but it's clear to both of us I don't mean it (though this is still often enough to inspire some chasing).

I have however seen other men reject women, then those women chase those men, then those men change their tunes... although what usually happens at that point is that the woman does NOT sleep with them, but rather has set her sights on making the man want her, and once he wants her, she gradually withdraws energy and lets him chase her more and more.

I suppose the reason why this happens is that a guy who's going to be a good lover candidate is not going to reject you... and a guy who's going to make for a good boyfriend is not typically going to reject you... and a guy who'll make a great nice guy friend isn't going to reject you... so perhaps, for women, the utility of a man who's rejected them is not as a potential lover, boyfriend, or friend, but rather as a provider of emotional validation - if she can get this man who formerly rejected her to chase after her and want her, while she ignores and rejects HIM, then she's won. I've seen various strategies for this, from chasing the man first, then changing her tune once he's changed his, to showing up around the man a lot dress better, and acting more aloof, until he begins to chase.

Either way, based on what I've seen, if you keep her around once you've already rejected her, she'll simply work to get things to the point where you are chasing after her, and then keep you around as a source of emotional validation - the one who rejected her, now repeatedly being rejected himself instead.


V's picture

Chase, how can I stop saying that the girls are going to say no to myself? For example ill think the girl will say no if I ask for this so I end up not doing it. I keep thinking they will say no to me so I don't try. What can I do to think they'll say yes instead of no?
It all ranges from me picking up girls to having them do anything for me, I think they'll say no.

Also, how hard do I persist? I don't want to keep asking for a long time, when should I stop persisting? ex, asking a girl to come home with you?

Thank you!!!!

Chase Amante's picture


There's only one way to stop thinking that: ask girls to do things enough times that you learn a certain percentage of the time they say "yes", a certain other percentage of the time they say "no", you get good at reading the signals for when a woman is likely to say one or the other, and you stop caring about any individual outcome because it's all a numbers game now.

On persistence: for most things, asking anywhere from 5 to 12 times when it's do-or-die (you lose her if she says "no") works (Ctrl+F for "hard push" in "Secrets to Getting Girls: Addressing Women's Objections"); if it's a woman you know socially or you're talking via text, ask only once, and if you get a "no", break off and revert to casual conversation, and circle back to asking her again later. How many times you ask and get "no" from a woman in social circle / texting situations is your call; I'd advise dropping her after more than a few "no"s, though I do know stories of guys who got girls by repeatedly asking them out again and again to get a "yes" (7 or 8 times seems to be the common number).


340Breeze's picture

Thanks Chase,

I appreciate your incredible insight into social dynamics. The stuff you teach here is even more insightful than even the material in those professional leadership seminars that some companies send their employees to. I think all men should learn seduction because in order to become a master you really have to have superior emotional control over yourself. That has so much application to all corners of life!

I have a few points/questions in my rather long comment, but your articles spark such thought!! So if you can, I'd like to hear your feedback, thanks!

Seems like you're saying in this article that men don't want as long-term partners women who are "loose" and have high partner counts. So even if a woman wants sex, she will resist only if to show she's picky and chaste and worthy of long-term consideration. She may even lie about her partner count or downplay her sexual experience because she doesn't want her past coming back to bite her in the ass. If a man beds a woman quickly he will assume that since she gave in so easily that she does this with ALL men, therefore she's loose, and thus he must get rid of her soon after sex. So therefore, if she likes him as a bf, and she thinks he might like her as a gf, she resists sex to avoid this happening to her...and put on a show, if you will. Is this what you're saying?

Why is it that men prefer women with lower partner counts for themselves anyway? What's the reasoning behind this because I don't understand it. Is it because the more men a woman has sex with the more trouble she'll be (infidelity risk goes up?)

Women might enjoy the power that they have from men chasing them for sex, but should a man really want to chase sex? In his pursuit of sex and having to deal with resistance, he potentially will value her more highly than he probably should as a side effect. The more effort and investment he puts in the more he thinks he likes her without much proof! While he thinks she's not easy, and therefore has long-term potential, his investment in her stirs up his emotions while all she has to do (effortlessly) is continue to resist, be aloof, and give him just enough yawn to continue to invest. Even if he thinks he likes her, isn't he in fact valuing a smoke screen, value that appears to exist (a high value woman will resist, a lower value woman won't), but hasn't actually been proven?

If men assess low value to women who have fast sex, isn't that because most men just don't have a clue what's high value and what's not? And since women know that most men have no clue what to value in a woman (except pretty, not too fat, somewhat smart, and not being too easy), women use this to their advantage and put up smoke screens to up their value in the eyes of men? They resist sex, they appear aloof, they make men invest, they make men do work, while they themselves hang back, collect orbiters who basically do all the work??

Shouldn't a man pay much closer attention to women before assessing her value? Instead of chasing, shouldn't a man ignore these ridiculous attempts that women use to "show" value and instead deep dive to gauge her psychology, ambition, etc since in the long run these traits are what count? Put her thru the ringer and make her invest, make her prove to him what she's all about and if she's doing a half assed job either give her the bored look or tease her about being half-assed? If she tries to friend zone you, either ignore it or tell her you don't have room for more friends? In short, shouldn't a man just be a fucking authority figure and be completely unafraid to lose a woman and refuse to put up with any Cosmopolitan tactics (except for the rare girls who truly come along once in a grey moon?)

For me, the girls who I want as long-term girlfriends must necessarily have character traits that I want. Ambition, ability to take initiative, beauty, sensual appeal, smarts, charm, wit, spice, scintillating conversation ability and so on. Very similar to y'all's description of Brazilian women the other day. If a woman possesses these traits in abundance, I'd consider her to be so rare that she wouldn't have to do much for me to like her. It'd be effortless. All she'd have to do is show up, be attainable, and that's it. I'd already like her prior to sex. And so even if we have sex fast, I'd already want to stick around... regardless of her "resistance" or not. IF on top all her value she put up some resistance, employed some push/pull, erected barriers, be a challenge, etc would certainly spice things up for me, but they'd be like icing on the cake...great to have but not absolutely necessary.

What are your thoughts on the dating advice magazines and how they impact American women's behavior toward men, and compare this behavior (aloof, etc) to women from other locales, say Brazil?!

This is why for me if a girl doesn't make me extremely excited, the only way I'd persist thru LMR is if she is at least good enough at some of the traits I like. Otherwise I either kick her out or I leave. I don't have the time to waste persisting with some mediocre woman. I get offended. And even if we have sex and I stick around for a while, if she turns out to be boring or unnecessarily needy/overly dramatic, my attraction fades fast.

And also do you think that the "average aggressiveness" of men in a city has any impact on how women behave toward men in that city? For example, in cities with more aggressive men, men with tight game, are women there less forgiving of mistakes and neediness, they expect men to take most of the risk/initiative (oozing sexy, persisting in the face of extreme disinterest like it doesn't matter, not caring about shit testing, making sure you truly are supremely confident like it's all one big game to you and if she doesn't come with you then something is wrong with her mental process) whereas in cities with men who are less aggressive women are more forgiving? I've only lived in American cities with seemingly aggressive men (Washington, DC and NYC) and a lot of women in those cities are not easy at all at least at first, some scowl, some ooze aloofness, some ignore all but the BEST men, but the other day I went to Florida and had a relatively easy time with women, they had way more warmth, which makes seduction more fun and easy, they were less resistant to my charms, were way more overt about their interest (still indirect tho), and gave me more more leeway than I get in my home city. I was blown away! Any thoughts on this phenomenon? Maybe I appeared more "rare" in Florida than at home, but who knows?

And another thing I wish you touched on but I think it needs to be mentioned is that the more experience you gain with women, the more you can gauge if a woman's resistance or "partner count #" is fact or fiction. In my experience, even if they claim to be beginners, they eventually say or do something in bed that makes you scratch your head like "hmmm, she said she's a beginner but I never taught her that advanced move, where'd she learn that from?? Interesting!"

So in short, there is more to the story than resistance to sex, and men should pay attention to woman's real personality traits because those are the traits that he will need, in addition to his own, to build an amazing future (or not).



Chase Amante's picture


Yes, I've been to a few leadership seminars - these are generally light on details and heavy on pump-up. The way you make money speaking is via getting everyone excited and having them come away saying, "Wow, that speaker was INCREDIBLE!" but not necessarily by having everyone come away saying, "Okay, I'm going to do this and change this and implement that." It's also generally easier to learn over time, at your own pace, than to try to cram all the learning into one quick seminar - it's just a less effective learning method, usually.

The description of how most men and most women think about sex and partner counts is accurate, yes. There are plenty of outliers - like, once you're very experienced with women, you stop thinking that just because she went to bed with you fast, she must be easy - actually, these days, if a girl goes to bed with me fast and isn't otherwise clearly very sexual, I find she's often inexperienced, whereas if a girl is able to deflect my advances, I find she's generally quite experienced, and angling for a relationship. But for an average guy who knows he's no more talented getting women in bed than most, his assumption is normally that if she goes to bed with HIM fast, she'll go to bed with ANYONE fast, and he ends up having doubts about her fidelity / trustworthiness that can make it more difficult for him to have a relationship with her.

On why men prefer lower partner counts - see this article: "How Many Partners Has Your Girlfriend Had? Find Out Here." According to the research, a woman's infidelity risk increases by 7% per partner; thus, a woman with 11 partners is twice the risk of a woman with 1; a woman with 17 partners 3 times the risk; a woman with 21 partners 4 times the risk; and a woman with 25 partners 5 times the risk. There are also differences in submission / independence that are quite closely tied to partner count - a woman with 2 partners is necessarily going to be much more submissive than one with 20. It's also easier for men to maintain relationship control with women who are less sexually experienced than they are, and, conversely, it's more difficult for them to maintain respect in their relationships with women who are more experienced than they.

On value assessments prior to sex: yes, these are usually largely based on appearances, which are easily manipulated (and women are by far the better sex at this). That's another reason why I caution against getting too attached before the sale.

As for valuing women differently by speed to sex - men are actually using this as a proxy for women's sexual experience, and valuing them by that. For an ordinary man, a girl it takes him a long time to get to bed he assumes is difficult to get, and thus, a safer bet for investing his time and resources in - she's less likely to stray, lead him into a messy and costly divorce, etc. Value's highly subjective, and what men value in women is tied to what their intentions are with those women - if their intentions are long-term relationships, fidelity is generally one of the most highly valued traits there is. However, most men - because they're inexperienced with women - are very bad at accurately gauging women's actual sexual experience and sexual inclinations / infidelity risk, along with other measures of value she may have.

The list of things you have that men would do better to do I'd agree with, but of course, what people "should" do and what they ACTUALLY do are often two different beasts. And for a man who's relatively inexperienced with women (a serial monogamist, say, or a man who hasn't really slept with that many women or studied dating, women, and relationships all that much), he doesn't know how to do these things, wouldn't know what to look for, and is simply going by the best metric he has available to try to get some handle on a woman's infidelity risks as a relationship partner. Also, as for qualities most men look for: ask an average guy what he wants in a woman, and he'll give you a purely physical description: blonde hair, big tits, nice legs, not fat. He might tell you he wants her to be "nice", too. That's generally it. Most men, because they are not ambitious themselves, shrink back in fear at the notion of dating an ambitious woman… she'd eat them alive.

Dating advice magazines - I don't really pay much attention to these, but I do notice women sometimes explaining something silly I've called them out on by saying, "But XYZ magazine said this is good!" to which I will say, "Oh. Really? Yeah, you could try using that on some other guy maybe… might work on some Regular Joe." But it seems that if you are not solid enough that you're cracking women's attempts to use things they've read in magazines on you, then yes, you may be subject to whatever the latest article in Cosmo is telling women to go do. Women in many other cultures are certainly less aloof, by my experience, but part of this may just be the foreigner effect… women are much more skeptical by nature toward the men of their home countries.

Average aggressiveness - yes, this definitely plays a strong role. I cut my teeth in D.C., then moved to San Diego, and when I got there, I found that all the men were much more aggressive with women, and the women were much more cautious and closed by comparison with the women in D.C. Probably why there's such a large pickup community in San Diego when compared to some of the other towns out there, despite it being much smaller than many of them. Visit Italy (or Spain, I'm told), where the men are EXTREMELY aggressive, and the women are extremely reserved, and quite difficult to get. Conversely, travel to most Asian countries, where the men are much more passive, and you'll have a pretty easy time with the women, because they're just much happier to be approached on average.

Well, that was a long comment and a long reply, but some interesting questions in there, Breeze!


Trevor's picture

Hey Chase,
I remember a while back ,when I first started came across girlschase, you mentioned that while guys will view women who have had many partners as less desirable, women view guys who they know do not have a lot of partners as less desirable. I've been using this site for 3 years and over the years I've improved on my game and my fundamentals. I currently have my eyes on this gorgeous girl that I met through social circle but the problem is that she's friends with girls that I have a bad reputation with. When I saw bad reputation I mean in varying ways. with a lot of them they flat out rejected me when I was younger and less experienced. And with others they have a lot of disdain to me from auto-rejection.
In fact I hit it off quite well with this girl and realised that a lot of her friends were trying to cockblock me. I handled it well enough but I ended up having to deal with an emergency quickly. Once that was sorted I get back and she's beyond cold. I know that it would be hard for me to bed those other girls now that they have a fixed opinion of me but what I want to know is how I can befriend them so they atleast would root for me in such situations. Could you also do a post on general reputation with girls and what's the best kind to have.

Chase Amante's picture


Certainly - I'll mark that one down for a post!


[Edit: overlooked and forgot to reference Peter's fantastic article on the subject here: "Killer Reputation Management for Your Social Circle."]

Anonymous's picture


I'm experiencing similar problems, however I've been in an exclusive relationship with this girl for several months. I'm a senior in college, a little inexperienced, and this is my first real sexual relationship.

We sleep over at each other's places a few times a week, but we don't always have sex. I try to initiate, but she'll have some excuse and I end up rejected and frustrated. I know this will make me look weak in her eyes and I want to avoid this.

When we first started having sex, she was chasing me. Now I feel like she's gained an "upper hand" now that we're in a relationship. How should I respond to her rejections toward my advances? Also is there a better way to initiate once we're in bed?

Once it becomes clear that I want sex, it feels like it becomes a big deal, when we could have gotten it over with instead of beating around the bush. It's getting difficult for me to initiate every time and I'm worried that this may hurt our relationship. Please help me, or point me to any articles that might help! Thanks.

Chase Amante's picture


One disadvantage you have here unfortunately is that you're fighting precedent: it sounds as though she's used to you chasing sex and her declining it at this point. What you do depends on how important sex really is to you.

The best thing for getting some short-term change is kicking her out after she spurns your advances several times, and doing so in a calm, balanced, unemotional way, as if your buddy had come over to play video games, but decided when he got there he didn't want to play video games, and now he's just taking up space and distracting you and you'd prefer to do something else: "All right, yeah, seems like you're not feeling it... well, I've got to get some work done tonight, so why don't we reconvene another time."

How she reacts depends how into you she is. If she isn't all that interested, she may just take the opportunity as an excuse to bail from the relationship. If she DOES really like you though, she'll become more receptive the next few times you see her. Just get in the habit of taking off (if you're at hers) or sending her home (if she's at yours) if sex isn't forthcoming.

Over the long-term though, you must make her want sex with you, and be insatiable for it, if you want an unlimited supply of it. See these articles for help on that:

I wouldn't recommend the measures from the first article there until you've reset the precedent, though, because the more she rejects you, the more she's going to reject you, and the harder and firmer... think of each rejection you get as digging the hole you're in a little deeper, and the bigger the overture rejected, the larger the shovelful dug out of the hole.

Assuming she doesn't have a rock-bottom sex drive (which some people do... there is a small portion of people with very low or no sex drives, but before you assume she's this, make sure you're giving her earth-shattering sex, because it's easy to tell yourself, "I guess she just doesn't like sex," when in fact it's that your game still needs some stepping up), you can give her enough good sex once the two of you are having it again that she should start to seek you out for sex, or at least readily accept your advances.

Try to give her an amazing time, every time, and she'll almost never say "no."


Robert3's picture

Hey Chase!

First of all, great article - as always.

I've been reading articles on your site since... I can't remember when. They're worth gold. Keep up the good work!

But I have a question and I need your help. I read tons of advice on the game, I believe I'm charming and witty, I can talk with anyone about anything and I'm pretty good looking guy too (that's what I've been said)... but. I have a two really big, BIG, insecurities. I know, I should not give a damn about what anyone things and accept myself the way I am.

But those two insecurties made me anti-social in past, afraid of meeting new people and talking at all. I feel like I'm wasting my potential. And those insecurities are - my crooked teeth. I wear braces and I can't wait to get them off, on the day when this happens I will go to a bar and talk with everyone there. I'm afraid of smiling, because my teeth are (were even more) crooked. But as you know smile shows confidence so it's a must for me to have a nice smile. I can't do much about it, just need to wait to get my braces off.

The second one is a big one. This is probably the biggest insecurity in my life. I have a speaking problem. I can't pronounce a letter 'R' and in my native language (I'm not English speaker), you can really hear when someone doesn't pronounce 'R'. And to make it even more harder, I have two 'R's in my name Robert. I can't introduce myself, because people never understand what I say. I always try to get introduced by the mutual friends. I avoide using words with letter 'R' which makes everything much more awkward. I really don't know what to do with this. It doesn't affect pickup, it affects my everyday, normal life.

If I would get ride of those two flaws, I'm sure I would have no excuses. I would be like rocket shot into the sky. Fullfiling my full potential.

Please give me your advice on this.

Chase Amante's picture


See my earlier reply to you here: "Speaking and Smiling."


Christian ...'s picture

Hey Chase,

I really love your articles and have always felt you talk about everything important to me regarding women.

However there has been one thing not yet adressed, whick would really help me at the moment:
How do you go about tandem hunting, i.e. you and your girlfriend going out together to pick up a third girl for a threesome?

Unfortunately I didn't find a good answer on this in the recent threesome article and it would be amazing if you could adress this.

Thanks a bunch!

Chase Amante's picture


That'd be a great topic, yeah. That's one where I don't have experience personally, but I'll filter it out to the team and see if we've got someone on staff who can do a piece on it - it's now on the article queue.

I will say that what I've heard from others has been "let the girl do all the work, while you're just there, looking good, and she picks the girl up, escalates to sex, and you join in later." There's a certain amount of coaching that seems to go into it - just tell her what to do, but then hang back and let her do it. I heard from one guy that his girlfriend would go into the girls' bathrooms in nightclubs, pick out a girl looking at herself in the mirror, and open with, "Oh my God, you are SO beautiful!" and the two of them would get to talking, go outside and sit at the bar, she'd briefly mention / introduce the boyfriend, and then suck the other girl into excited conversation and admiring touches until it was time to pull.


Christian ...'s picture

Chase, thank you so much for the reply and for putting the topic in the article pipeline, really looking forward to it! It's great how much value you put out!

Torus's picture

Hi Chase,
I totally agree with your post, just wanted to add my experience, because my rate of second chances was much higher, when I started training pickup, although as you said, moving fast was still important!

The important mindset is even if she is totally blocking you, you cannot let it ruin the mood. E.g. if you are making out heavily but she will not let you in her pants, just accept it and take away some of the passion. It is totally fine that you tried and when you really cannot make it happen just be cool about. You do not want her to have this weird thinking that things are different now. You can try again in a few minutes. If it fails multiple times, except it, get out of snuggle mode(take away) and have an interesting conversation with her (don't verbalize her resistance!).

Basically you stay the same cool guy she decided to kiss in the first place. She is missing out.

The next time she comes over, things will go more smoothly.

Chase Amante's picture


That's a very good point, actually... yeah. Looking back, a large number of the girls I tried, failed, and then had another shot with were ones where composure was maintained and everything stayed cool.

The ones where you lose it, get disappointed, and shift into a, "All right, this sucks; I totally just wasted a bunch of my time. Let me show you to the door," mentality the girl always gets confused and weird and seems like she feels like she was bait-and-switched.

So maybe the advice for getting a higher percentage of second chances during failed escalations: stay cool and don't be a baby.

Great comment here, and thanks for sharing your insight, Torus.


Anonymous's picture

Do you ever talk with girls about the game and tactics you are using on them and other girls? Can talking about it (not just tactics, but human biology and psychology in general) cause them to see you as a manipulative person?

Chase Amante's picture


I don't normally, but when I sometimes do, what I find is that girls will usually dismiss any talk of tactics and counter that the REAL attraction I have is because my eyes are so hypnotizing, or something like that.

When I try telling them that I taught myself to have those eyes, they respond with, "No, I don't think so... you're born with those eyes."

I can remember talking game occasionally with women when my fundamentals were not as tight, though, and the response then would be more along the lines of, "Yeah, but that stuff doesn't work on most girls... only on dumb girls / sluts."

Basically what seems to happen is if the girl is attracted to you, she will attribute the attraction to something she perceives as outside your control, rather than whatever you attempt to attribute it to.

If she is not attracted to you, you can tell her all you want about how good your game is, but all she knows is that SHE isn't feeling it, so if it works, it must only work on girls unlike her - the sluts and the dumb girls (ever notice how no girl is ever a slut or a dumb girl herself - it's always some OTHER girl?).

It's generally good form to not brag or advertise about your success with women, but once you get to the point where women are strongly attracted to you automatically, you can say things like, "You know, I didn't always used to have it so good with women. Girls used to be SCARED of me, believe it or not! I was a bad, scary man. I had to STUDY women [said seductively... think the way you would say that you studied women's bodies, and say it that way], and learn their tricks. Now I do the same things with women that they do with men. You can't fool me, little miss... I know your eyes are always watching and your wheels are always turning."

Girls eat that right up. It's also something of a chase frame, since you're implying that women are the ones who are really the master puppeteers, pulling strings and creating appearances to maneuver themselves into being with the men they want (which, really, is what a lot of them are doing the majority of the time).


The M's picture

Hi Chase,

What if the failed escalation takes place in an unusual location, e.g. outside, in a forest, etc., say because the guy or girl gets uncomfortable, or because the logistics aren't good? Does the novelty make up for the failed escalation?

The M

Chase Amante's picture


Depends on how it fails. If it fails because you give up too easily, that can kill it. If you give up in a way that maintains the romance though - pick her up, swing her around, tell her you will sweep her off to somewhere more private, where the two of you can ravish each other in secrecy - you can very much preserve the lust and tension this way, or even amplify it.


Naz's picture

Hello Chase,

I was wondering if you happen to get slotted into the boyfriend material and did not recover are you doomed to not even able to have a relationship with the woman?

It comes across in the article that being slotted into the boyfriend category would not work out because of the psycology of not being able to get her to bed and she loses interests based on not progressing passed this even if the LMR results from being a relationship candidate.

Keep up the quality work,

Naz (Newbie)

Chase Amante's picture


No - all hope is not lost! Plenty of men women see as boyfriend candidates still sleep with those women for the first time every day, it's just normally after a slightly more drawn out dating routine than what I'd normally recommend.

However, if you're still getting started, you're more likely than not going to need a few dates to get to sex anyway, in which case, the article you'll want is the one on date compression - that's this one right here: "Having Lots of Dates in Short Amounts of Time."


Yink's picture

Hi Chase,great article.I am the guy who you advised to break up with his virgin girlfriend who won't give him sex for 5 months.I got back together with her again but she didn't still open herself to me.Now my question is this:how do I break up with her AGAIN?.She still calls me,visits me,though not like before our first break-up(her investment in me has reduced,BUT she still loves me).She wants me to STILL wait for sex but I feel like the more I wait,things can go wrong.Should I start ignoring her or should I just break up with her again telling her that love isn't just enough because I need sex?.Thanks.

Chase Amante's picture


Yeah - I'd just tell her that the two of you are looking for different things; you need a woman who can express herself physically with you, because you need the closeness that only sex brings, and for you, a relationship without intimacy simply isn't enough. Tell her she needs to find a guy who's better suited to what she's looking for - someone who also wants to wait for marriage to have sex - and that if she looks, you're certain she'll find him.

Then let her go.


Anonymous's picture

This melted my brain. And even after reading this, it still pisses me off because how complicated girls make this.

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase,

I absolutely agree. If there is possibility to have sex on the first date and logistics is ok, go for it! It should even be an imperative to prepare logistics if possible, just in case.

This is very painful - I lost several great women this way. I planned a long date and she was ok with it. However, there was a problem (due to my profession) and I had only 1-2 hours. I texted the woman several hours before the date, so that she knew about the change. The date went like it should - we were kissing each other within an hour. She wanted me, I wanted her, but I had to leave. We promised each other to meet again, but IT NEVER HAPPENED.

I think the problem is following. The woman knows that the only possible second date scenario is to meet for the first sex together. I guess that makes her feel like a slut and she rationalizes herself into not going for it. But as there is no other scenario, she will just leave.

What is your opinion on that problem, Chase?

Cheers, David

Shades7's picture

It sure is a long road to being successful with women!. I'd always had girlfriends but they were usually 7's, inevitably I'd get bored dating what I subconsciesly thought to be an inferior partner, this led me to acting like an asshole without even trying and made them want me even more. Anyway after a string of broken hearts I met a girl who was easily a 9 and she fell for me straight away, of course without knowing what to do I tried to give her everything she wanted and ended up being just another nice guy, she got bored after 6 months and ended it.

That was a week ago and I was heartbroken but the one positive I took from it was that I could meet and get into relationships with beautiful women and as such I would never date below a 9 again. I signed up to this site and began learning, then yesterday got chatting to a stunning girl online, swapped numbers and went out for some drinks. Things moved quickly and after a big night out we went back to hers, I told her I wouldn't sleep with her (just to make her want me more and feel ok about bringing me back) but then when I got back I called a taxi and went home, despite her being all over me. Unfortunately I hadn't got to the part on the website about always closing the deal and stupidly thought leaving her when she was worked up would make her want me more, what an idiot I've been!. She text me a one line message this morning about having a headache but then didn't respond to my follow up txt saying I had a good night. So yeah I reckon I've blown that one, very valuable lesson learned though.

Getulio's picture

Hi Chase,

I had an interesting experience last week. This girl is a friend of a male friend , we have seen each other a couple of times in the past , flirted a bit , but had little contact, but I knew I had she interested. Out of the blue I received a voice message from my male friend , It was her asking me to hang out , because her "BF" (AFC , seeing her for 3 months , and never had sex with her) has cheated on her.
So we 3 went out , drank a lot , made out like crazy , my friend left and we 2 were alone. And I was going to take her home. Now, this girl was so horny , I teased her like crazy with physical touch , she ended up with her naked in my car hood in an empty alley, saying "Fuck Me'' to me. I sucked her , and made her cum , and fingered her. But , as I don't like to fuck drunk girls , refused to penetrate her , saying I didnt have a condom.
She got so pissed off and insecure , and tried to argue with me untill I left her home. She admitted i gave her good oral , but said she wanted my dick.
Next day I tought she never would talk to me again , but she texted me first saying "hey i'm still alive ;) , had fun yesterday". We talked a bit , and she playfully said I wasnt going to heaven because of what i did, I said I dont fuck drunk girls the first time, she said she wasnt drunk, that it wasnt fair and we joked around.
But the next attempts I made to ask her out , she made me wait for confirmation , or didnt respond.
She told my male friend that I kiss well , and I was good at all. But was pissed and insecure on why I haven't fucked her.
I still want to hang out with her tough , have I lost her ?
(before you guys ask , no , i dont have oneitis , and have other girls in my life)
Sorry for bad english.

Ty's picture

No girl in the world is going to blow you off because you weren't willing to risk raping her.
If she gives you shit about it, just give her shit back on the absurdity of what she's saying.

As for how to handle it, this is how I would look at it. She is GOING to want to see you again and she is GOING to want to fuck you, you just need to give her time to sort her shit out and wait for her to come around. In the mean time I would just drop all contact and focus on other things. You have absolutely nothing to gain by rushing her or giving her unnecessary attention.

When she does come around, escalate to a hang out quickly. Don't dally around on texts or phone calls.

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