I’m sitting back at home in the suburbs of Philadelphia where I grew up, and I’m thinking about how over the years I’ve changed my life to allow myself to meet women more regularly, more easily, and more consistently.
Back when I used to make music, one of the ways that I advanced my skill level over the years was by closely examining the guys who were great successes, then closely examining the guys who were utter failures, then having a look at the guys caught in the middle, and asking myself why each person was where he was. After four years, starting out being atrocious at music, I was putting together incredibly lyrically sharp pieces and constructing music that people would get really excited about when I showed it to them, chiefly because I spent a lot of time deconstructing what made a song a hit, then using the lessons from that to make my own music. When I started focusing on seduction, I turned that same discerning eye (or ear, in the case of music) onto men’s success with women.
I noticed that a number of the most prolific seducers all did things that put them constantly in a position to meet women. They had jobs as lifeguards, or nightclub bouncers, or model talent scouts; other guys did unconventional things like moving abroad and becoming a tour guide or a bartender or an English teacher. Not all guys; some guys just stayed close to where they grew up and simply went out over and over again and did massive amount of approaching, until they got the skill down that they could read women quickly and well and identify the women who would be most open to them.
But those guys who got really good without finding ways to automatically meet women more easily in their lives were the exceptions and the outliers. Most guys who don’t find ways to meet women easily don’t get good at meeting women, period. Only the guys who are really driven and just iron-will themselves into getting out there over and over and over again are able to punch through that wall and get good in spite of their disadvantage in meeting women.
As soon as I started realizing this, I asked myself a question, which I’ll now ask you: what are you doing to make it easier to meet women in your day-to-day life?
There are two things I think that have the biggest impact on how easy it is for you to meet new women:
- Location, and
- Lifestyle
I’m going to make this a two-part entry about location and lifestyle, so check back later this week for Part 2, “Meet Women More Easily: Lifestyle.”
How Location Impacts Your Ability to Meet Women
I’m sitting at home right now in the suburb outside of Philadelphia I grew up in. There’s a town about a 15 or 20 minute drive from here that gets some bars filled with some pretty cute college girls, and if I really feel like taking a hike I suppose I could head up to Philadelphia, about an hour away by car or a drive to the train station at the right time and an hour ride into the city there. There’s also 19 inches of snow piled up everywhere, ice on some of the roads, and another blizzard seemingly every three days.
After having dates and taking new lovers at a really rapid pace in the first three weeks of 2011, know how many dates I’ve had and how many new girls I’ve slept with out here?
None.
Not entirely for lack of trying. I set up a date with a girl from Lebanon who was going to drive thirty minutes to come see me, but we canceled due to a blizzard hitting. We set it up again for last Friday, but bad weather hit again and we canceled again. She apologized profusely and stressed that she really wanted to come see me, and we tentatively planned to meet up today. Of course, it’s been foggy and unpleasant all day, and the freezing rain hit tonight. So, no date.
I had another girl, this one American, who asked me to come to her going away party in downtown Philadelphia Friday night, but it’d be quite a hike to get up there, the weather was bad, and I’d have extremely difficult logistics there. I considered going to a bar, but eventually just ended up getting some work done.
A combination of difficulty in my reaching places to meet women, and women’s difficulty in coming to see me, has totally spoiled the really fun run I was on. No big deal, I’m confident I’ll get it going again as soon as my logistics are sorted out better again (going to be tough logistics when I get to California this week too as I’m crashing with my ex, who lives about twenty-five minutes outside the city), but it’s a good example of how location can hamper your ability to meet women.
Rule number one of getting success with women:
Move somewhere it’s easy to meet them.
Now, I can understand if you have family / friends / a stable job in your current location. Attachments are most folks’ main reason for staying put in less-than-desirable situations. So I guess then it becomes a question of priority: what’s more important to you, being twenty minutes away from family instead of two hours, or having the kind of success with women you want? Will your parents understand if you move a little farther to lead a better life? Could you find a job like the one you have now in a place that has better dating prospects?
It changes from city to city, too. I lived in Washington, DC, which was okay for meeting women, but it’s ranked as the 30th out of 35 cities in the United States when it comes to attractiveness of the women in town (guess which city’s #1 in ugliest citizens, at least according to residents? Turns out it’s Philadelphia). San Diego was better – it’s ranked as the city in the US with the second cutest girls. But the guys in San Diego are also better dressed, in better shape, and more aggressive and socially skilled and attractive than the men in DC are. The selection’s better, but so is the competition.
Then, of course, there’s this to consider:
It’s kind of a thought-provoking graphic to consider, and in my experience it plays out quite intuitively in real life. You go to New York, women are easier to open and arrange dates with, and complain constantly about how hard it is to get men and keep men in relationships. You go to Los Angeles, women talk all the time about how much they love California and I see a lot more of women acting cavalier toward their relationships and walking away more quickly from relationships they have reservations about – most likely because there are more options available, and many of those options are quite attractive. The biggest complaint I heard from women in California was that it was hard to find one specific kind of man or another – never the complaint of New York women that it was hard to find a good guy in general or it was hard to get into a relationship.
On the other hand, weather comes into play as well. When weather is better, people go out more often, and stay single longer. Cold weather has a habit of making people stay indoors and settle down into long-term relationships, I’ve noticed. So from that perspective, the warm weather of California puts you at an advantage over the cold weather in New York during the winter. Of course, the women who are driven enough to go out in the cold on the East Coast during winter are clearly there for something, so this helps separate the wheat from the chaff when it comes to identifying women who are “in the mood.”
But let’s not stop at the US. These days I’m spending the majority of my time overseas, and things change even more there. Go out in your home country, and you’re just another local; you have to work harder to stand out. Go anywhere else in the world, and you’re instantly a hot commodity: you’re a foreigner. Some women shy away from foreigners, but overall, being foreign is a big net advantage, for the following reasons:
- Curiosity. She’s always wanted to try a foreigner, but she just plain and simple meets a lot more of her countrymen than she does foreign men.
- Boyfriend Disqualification. The fact that you’re foreign means you might not be there long, which means you’re probably not someone she’s going to be taking home to Mom and Pop. Which means, her reservations about sleeping with you quickly are lowered and her propensity to move fast with you is raised.
- Fresh Genes. Believe it or not, there’s actually some research that shows we look for people with “fresh genes” to breed with, and that an accent is one of the large signs to others that our genes are fresh. So when girls hear you don’t talk the same as everyone else around, you instantly get an “attractive man I want to mate with” boost.
- Fresh Expectations. She’s probably been dating her countrymen her entire life, and has a lot of baggage associated with them. “Guys from my country are like this, and they have this bad habit, and they do this thing I don’t like and that thing and…” As a guy from a culture she’s not personally familiar with, she’s able to see you for you instead of you as just another guy from her country.
- Romance. Something else that ties into fresh expectations is that foreigners often have a romantic-fantasy aura about them; there are plenty of movies and tales in every culture about the mysterious, romantic stranger from a distant land. This works to your advantage, because you are that stranger from a distant land.
Your stock is almost universally higher in a country other than your country of birth. Traveling and living abroad is great fun from the perspective of meeting women; just think of how women receive foreign men in your country. They get more girls, faster, than most locals by far.
The funny thing I hear from guys wherever I travel is complaints about the women in their country. You talk to an American man living in Europe, and he’ll complain about American women not being that great and how much he loves European women. Then you talk to a European man in America, and he’ll tell you how much he loves American women, before ragging on the women from his own country. That’s the foreigner effect. For the majority of men, it’s always better with women abroad than it is at home (it also works the other way too; foreign women often have better dating options abroad than in their home countries).
But, should you pack up today and bid farewell to your home continent?
Make It Easy, or Make It Hard?
I’m quite grateful for my three years in California. San Diego forced me to take myself and my approach to a new level; when I got there, it was at first rather hard. Well, I mean, I slept with my first new girl there less than a week after arriving in August 2007, but overall it was a lot more challenging than Washington, DC. The men were much more competitive, and there were a lot more of them. They were bigger, more socially adept, and more aggressive. I got punched in the mouth in a nightclub within my first three weeks in the city, although that incidentally was the last time I’ve been hit; I’ve become a lot better at defusing those situations.
It was a real trial by fire. When I first got there, I felt overwhelmed; everyone acted like they were much cooler than me, I started realizing I had a lot of weight I had to drop, and the girls were both cuter and more aloof than the women I’d meet in DC. By the end of my three years though, I’d dropped my weight, gotten myself to a level of cool I didn’t know I could reach, and frequently had California girls getting very warm and very excited with me very fast upon first meeting me in bars and clubs.
I never would’ve reached the level I reached living in some foreign country where it was easy for me. I had to be somewhere that it was hard to get those skills down to the degree I did. Being surrounded by guys who were frequently better looking, better connected, and rolled with their groups of cool friends and pretty girls meant I had to step it up in a big way to be able to compete. And I did.
At the same time, there’s a certain merit to living somewhere it’s easier: you get to relax, enjoy yourself, build up more successes more quickly than you could somewhere it’s harder, and build up your confidence, especially if you’re a beginner. But there are downsides to living somewhere easy, too: you won’t feel quite so well-equipped when you “go back to reality” and head to your home country or somewhere it’s tougher at.
After California, I feel pretty confident I can go just about anywhere and be a really attractive guy and be successful with a minimal amount of effort. My style and sense of fashion are now very tight; my body is in better shape; my hairstyle is much better; my vibe and my conversation are far improved.
So I suppose it depends on your goals, both immediate and long-term. Overall, here’s my recommendation:
For the best overall investment in yourself long-term, pick somewhere with lots of women but lots of tough competition when you’re still learning. To just have fun, go on an adventure, and enjoy life, pick somewhere with lots of women and little competition or where you’re naturally at an advantage.
Going the “hard” route will force you to adapt to be as cool, socially adroit, and stylish as possible to meet women more easily and be more successful with the women you do meet. Going the “easy” route will let you just enjoy yourself.
Things to keep in mind:
- The more you force yourself to adapt and excel in a harder environment, the better you’ll do when you head to an easier environment.
- Too much time in an easy environment can make you soft, so don’t forget to find ways to challenge yourself and test your limits.
- You need “refuges” to retreat to to avoid burnout in any kind of environment. In DC I had a nightclub in Dupont Circle and in San Diego I had a lounge in North Park and a wine bar in the Gaslamp District I’d go to that I could just sit in and relax in and that I had much higher success rates with than anywhere else in the city. In Beijing I recently found a club that I’ve been able to pull from or come close to every time I’ve gone on (except the nights when it’s completely dead). Refuges make even hard environments manageable.
Ultimately, yes, it can be a little hard and a little jarring to pull up roots and embark for a new life in a new city, but it’s an investment in your future that will have a big effect on how you develop yourself and on your ability to meet women more easily. If you’ve been giving thought about changing locations, I hope this post has helped provide you a little more clarity; if you haven’t given it much thought, perhaps I’ve managed to stimulate a little consideration in your thought processes. Either way, location plays a big role in how you do with girls, and the more I move around the more I see some pretty discernable differences in women’s behavior from place to place.
Make sure you do some homework first and spend some time where you’re thinking about moving to and go out there and meet women there and see if it’s a place you think you could live. Not a decision to make lightly, but certainly one that will impact you for years to come!
Check back this week for Part 2 in this series, “Meet Women More Easily: Lifestyle.”
Best,
Chase Amante
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