You may think you have to ask a girl to be your girlfriend. But there’s an easier way to get a girl to be your girlfriend than this. It centers on behavior over words.
You’ve got a girl you’re into, and you’d like to get her to be your girlfriend. The time you spend together is great. You think about her all the time when you’re not with her. And you know she likes you too. But... does she like you enough to be your girlfriend?
You’d like to know how to ask a girl to be your girlfriend in a way that minimizes the chance she rejects you. You don’t want her to say “no” or “let’s keep this casual for now.” So what do you do?
Most of the advice you’ll see out there will tell you to ask her outright at some point. “Just ask!” or “Just pop the question!” But this advice misunderstands a simple fact about the way girls work: the emotions and behavior must come first... the words come later.
This article works within that framework – one where you get the
emotions and behavior right first, and add the words (and official
boyfriend-girlfriend status) in after.
Follow the simple steps below, and you stand a very good chance to turn the girl you’d like to be your girlfriend into a girl who is your girlfriend.
First off, we’ll assume you already have a girl you’ve seen over a period of time whom you’d like to make a girlfriend. Preferably this is a girl you’re intimate with. If you don’t have a girl you’re seeing regularly yet, read these articles first, then come back here:
How to Flirt with a Girl: if you have a girl you like, but you aren’t sure what to say with her, the first step is flirtation. Don’t worry – it’s easier than it sounds.
How to Ask a Girl Out in 8 Simple Steps (with Example Asks): once you’ve chatted with her a bit and made some light flirtation, it’s time to ask her out. The right ask is simple, efficient, and to-the-point (and easy to deliver without making you too nervous).
How to Get a Girlfriend in the Next 2 Weeks: the complete process, from ‘find her’ to ‘ask her out’ to ‘make her your girlfriend’. Though we’ll cover the steps to get her to be your girlfriend in much greater detail here!
These articles equip you with the tools you’ll need to find (if you haven’t found her yet), flirt with, ask out, and date that awesome chick you hit it off with in every way.
After you’ve found her, flirted with her, asked her out, and dated her, then it’s time to turn her into a girlfriend. So let’s talk about how to do that.
Every woman, no matter how young or old, is an expert behavioral psychologist in a way most men can’t scratch. She will analyze your every move, gesture, and action to figure out what’s going on in your head. She won’t always be 100% right (she’s not a mind reader), but she is better at reading your behavior than you might realize.
So while it may feel important for you to get the words out of the way, and ask her to be your girlfriend as soon as possible, for girls it’s different. She reads your actions and behavior with her, and uses that to ‘guess’ how far along (or not) she is with you. She will use this to help her make up her own mind about where she stands with you, before you ever ask her or tell her anything about your relationship status.
There are a few different ways a girl may decide things are going with you, based on your behavior:
She might decide you see the relationship as a fun, casual thing – but not serious. Do you treat her like a friends with benefits? Is it non-committal? Do you just see her for short amounts of time, hook up, then leave or send her home?
She might decide you want a more serious relationship with her. Do you treat her like a boyfriend does? Do you spend lots of time with her? Go out of your way to do things for her and dote upon her?
She might decide you are open to a more serious relationship, even if you do not necessarily pursue it. This is the most effective approach to take (though it requires some finesse). Don’t close off the possibility of a serious relationship (if this is what you want), but don’t chase one like some men do either.
She might go back and forth on what you want, or be completely confused. A fair number of girls will fall into this camp, even if you think you are obvious about what you want. Women carry their own personal histories and presuppositions into their relationships. Sometimes even obvious signs from you may seem unclear to her.
The reason it’s so vital to be aware of women’s focus on your behavior is because if you ask a girl to be your girlfriend in a way that does not gel with what she expects from you, she’ll be a lot more likely to tell you “no.” If she thinks you want a casual relationship, but you suddenly ask her to be your girlfriend in a serious, romantic way, it will feel strange. She will realize she does not know you as well as she thought. And it may call into question all sorts of things she thought she knew about you. Even if she says “yes”, the relationship will be off to a weird start... and there’s a better chance it’s just too strange for her and she says “no.”
Before you ever take steps to get her to be your girlfriend, first you’ll want to position the relationship in such a way that the transition into boyfriend-girlfriend feels like the smoothest, most natural thing in the world.
Don’t worry – this isn’t hard to do, and it doesn’t take long.
Once you start to see each other regularly, if she sees you as a good prospect to be a boyfriend, she will start to want you in that role. Depending on how she thinks you feel about her, she can react in different ways:
If she thinks you just want a casual relationship, she may close off to try to protect herself (“It’s fine; it’s for the best! That’s all I want from him too!”) or she may begin to chase you and feel needy (“Why doesn’t he want something more serious?”). There’s also the possibility she decides to ‘slow game’ you, take things at the speed you seem to want to go at, and seek to win you over with time and affection.
If she thinks you want a serious relationship with her, she may hurtle right into this if it’s exactly what she wants too. However, if she’s less certain about you, or if she likes to play power games, she may use your obvious interest to put herself in a stronger position. She’ll let you chase her for a while, while she plays hard to get.
The details of her reactions here are less important. What is important is to position yourself and the relationship the right way, to get her to think about you as a possible and desirable boyfriend and the relationship as one she hopes will blossom into a boyfriend-girlfriend one.
Get her to think of you as a desirable boyfriend, and your work is mostly done.
The way you do this is threefold:
Show her affection. Hold her more, hold her tighter, and touch her. Physical affection is one of the strongest signs you feel close to her. When you touch and hold her, you make her feel closer and more bonded to you as well. You do not have to go overboard with this at first; instead, start out with light caresses when you’re around her, and escalate to more and more frequent hugs, holds, and caresses as the relationship progresses.
Open up more to her. She feels closer and more connected to men who know more about her. But she also feels more connected to men who share about themselves with her. You must still be a strong, attractive man, of course – strong men become her lovers, weak men become her friends. However, she needs to feel like she understands the man beneath the armor, too.
Let her have more of your time. As the relationship proceeds, let her gradually have more of your time. If you start off seeing her once or twice a week, move it to two or three times a week. Or more. The more of your time she occupies, the more certain she’ll feel she occupies a prominent role in your life. Note that some girls will work actively to get more of your time – they’ll ask you for more time, show up unannounced, or press you to let them stay when you’d otherwise ask them to leave. But not all girls will. So sometimes you may have to take the initiative on this yourself. One easy way is to spend the weekend with her; have her come over Friday night, spend the night, then do things with her all day Saturday. Have her spend the night again Saturday night. And do more with her Sunday. After a few weeks of you and her spending the full weekend together, you’ve more or less become de facto boyfriend-girlfriend.
Once you have done all these things, and done them over the course of weeks, you will likely notice she behaves comfortable, affectionate, and ‘settled’ with you.
If she seems at all conflicted – like she feels resistance to this march toward boyfriend-girlfriend-dom – it’ll be due to one of two reasons:
She doesn’t feel like you are boyfriend material
She doesn’t believe she qualifies as a girlfriend for you
The way to tell the difference is by the kind of resistance she shows you. If her resistance is confident and nice toward you (e.g., she laughs off your invitations to spend more time together or your attempts to be more affectionate, but she doesn’t seem bitter; just uninterested), she may not see you as a boyfriend. In that case, follow the steps in this article to patch your boyfriend value up:
On the other hand, if she seems defensive, closed off, or reserved, odds are she fears you don’t really care about or respect her. Or she fears she does not ‘qualify’ as girlfriend material for you for some reason or other. It may be something about your behavior (if you are too aloof, for instance), or it may be her own issue (she may be low self-esteem, or have an avoidant attachment style). If you sense defensiveness in her, try the following out:
- Pay her more genuine, sincere compliments
- Deep dive her – get to her to open up more about herself to you
- Qualify her on things you like about her or good things she does
- Find other ways to reward her or show appreciation
for what you like about her
Your primary objective with all this is to reach the point where she is totally and completely comfortable with you, devotes lots of time to you, and is crazy about you. Succeed at this (and it won’t be hard to do with a girl who is into you), and the only thing you will have left to do is make it official – and at this point, that’s easy as pie.
By this point, you won’t need to wonder how to ask a girl to be your girlfriend. She’s now into you enough and comfortable with you enough the only thing left to do is say the words.
Because she treats you like a boyfriend and you treat her like a girlfriend, it’s a little strange if you just point blank ask her, “Hey, wanna be my girlfriend?” The boyfriend-girlfriend labels won’t actually change anything about the way the relationship works, and in any event, you’re a guy – you aren’t supposed to care about these labels that much. She’s the one who’s supposed to care.
Yet, it’s still good to make it official at some point, particularly for girls who need it. If a girl is more status-conscious, she can go crazy not knowing ‘what we are’ for too long, even if the relationship in actuality is closer and deeper than any of her friends’ ‘boyfriend-girlfriend’ relationships. The ‘girlfriend’ label can help relax her a bit, as well as take pressure off you to reassure her you care all the time.
There are five (5) good ways to ‘make it official’ and give her the girlfriend label:
Ask before you introduce her to someone. You’re about to introduce her to friends, family, coworkers, or whoever it is. Before you do, stop and tell her, “Hey, I’m just going to introduce you as my girlfriend. That all right?” It’s very casual, almost off-handed, but it makes it official, in a very cool / not-a-big-deal way.
Call her your girlfriend in a compliment. When she does something nice for you (for instance, if you ask her to bring you dinner, and she brings you something delicious), include ‘girlfriend’ in your thanks/compliment: “Oh man, this is delicious. You’re the best girlfriend, babe.” [cheek kiss]
Slip it into an argument. This one’s a little sneaky. But when you get into an argument with her, when you begin to remark on something she does, slip the label in: “Look, I like that we’re boyfriend/girlfriend. You’re wonderful. I really need you to keep the bathroom tidier though, please. You’re a little sloppy.”
Ask her if she’s told other people about you. When she talks about her friend Linda, for example, and it seems relevant, ask her “Does Linda know you have a boyfriend? Or am I a secret?”
- Wait for her to ask.
often the best option. It’s the best because she won’t ask until she’s
ready... so you don’t have to try to gauge when she is. But not every
girl will do it. Some girls are shy; some girls are low self-esteem.
Some girls think it’s the man’s duty to set the pace of the
relationship. But many girls will come out and ask at some point
(especially once the relationship is intimate enough): “What are we?”
she asks you this, it’s easy to tell her she’s your girl; and if she
asks if this means she’s your girlfriend, it’s simple at this point to
tell her “I’d say so, yeah.”
Each of these is at your disposal, and each works.
And they all work better than “Would you like to be my girlfriend?” for one simple reason: they treat the ‘girlfriend’ label as no big deal.
The neatest way to ask her to be your girlfriend? The totally nonchalant way.
If you read her right, she’ll get excited or happy when you say this. Or she may stay calm – then ask you about it later: “So I’m really your girlfriend?”
To which you can just treat it like the most obvious thing in the world: “Of course! We certainly spend enough time together.” (or you can joke around about it: “Nah, I just said that for kicks. [pause] Yes, of course you’re my girlfriend! Don’t be silly”).
But... what if you didn’t read it right?
What if you call her your girlfriend, and she balks?
Don’t be afraid if you get a little pushback. Again, it’s not a big deal.
Some girls (particularly the feisty ones and the opinionated ones) may think they have you all figured out. Other times they may have written you off as a boyfriend.
And then you tell a girl like this she’s your girlfriend. And it fries her circuits a little bit, she did not expect it, and you get pushback. What do you do? Just stay nonchalant:
You: This steak is awesome. I’m a lucky man to have a talented chef as a girlfriend.
Her: I’m not your girlfriend!
You: Okay. I’m a lucky man to have a talented chef as my paramour. This steak is excellent!
... then just go right on being your normal self with her as if nothing happened.
After she’s had a little time to process it, she’ll almost always ask you one of the following:
- “So you see me as your girlfriend?”
- “Do you want me to be your girlfriend?”
- “Why do you want me to be your girlfriend?”
- “Why did you think I was your girlfriend?”
... which you just answer in a calm, measured way, yet still give her an ‘out’. Example answers:
Her: So you see me as your girlfriend?
You: I mean, I did. But we don’t have to be if you don’t want to be that.
Her: Do you want me to be your girlfriend?
You: I think that would be cool. Do you not agree?
Her: Why do you want me to be your girlfriend?
You: Because I think you are a top-notch girl. And a top notch guy like me needs a top notch girl.
Her: Why did you think I was your girlfriend?
You: Well, let’s see. We spend tons of time together, have lots of sex, you cook me food, we call each other ‘baby’, and cuddle up like an old married couple. But I mean if you’d prefer me to call you something else, I can do that too. Mistress, maybe?
The object here is to let her know you’d like her as a girlfriend, without pushiness.
You give her space to assess her own emotions toward you without pressure. Which makes her more likely to make up her mind in favor of “Yes, I’m his girlfriend.”
If your read was right earlier, she’ll think about it, get happy, and say, “Okay yes, I’m your girlfriend then!”
If your read was wrong, and she isn’t ready for this step yet,
she’ll tell you what she needs: “Let’s just keep it casual for now,
okay?” To which you can shrug, be nonchalant, and agree: “Okay.” Then
get back to business as usual with her.
Even if she pushes back on the label for now, you’ve planted the seed in her head. And because you were so cool and not pushy about it, she will get more intrigued with the idea over time – especially as you continue to do those three things that position you as a boyfriend (show her affection, open up more to her, and let her have more of your time).
Keep the relationship strong, and at some point she’ll raise the issue with you again: “Do you still want me to be your girlfriend?”
At which point all you have to say is “Yes!”
The relationship does not technically change once you’ve moved her to an ‘official’ girlfriend role.
However, you may notice she becomes more secure in the relationship (she tests you less), and also more bought-in (she becomes more affectionate, does more for you, is more compliant, etc.).
She’ll usually get a fair bit closer and warmer with you once it’s ‘official’.
If you want to be more casual about the boyfriend-girlfriend relationship, you can use ‘my girl’ instead of ‘my girlfriend’ – as in “You’re my girl.” This is a semi-official position for her that also leaves it somewhat vague. It’ll lead you to questions from girls like “Does that mean I’m your girlfriend?” or “Can I call you my boyfriend?”
You can also call her ‘lover’, ‘mistress’, or ‘paramour’ if you want
a quasi-official title. Like with ‘my girl’, these will usually prompt
her to ask on her own, at some point, whether she is or is not your
Just remember: girls respond to behavior, not words.
If you want to get a girl to be your girlfriend, win her over with your behavior first. Be a boyfriend to her in your actions: be affectionate, see her often, make love to her well, let her see past your armor a bit, give her more of your time.
Once you’ve done this, it’s easy to make her official with a quick question or an offhand remark: “Hey, I’m going to take you to this work party. I’ll just introduce you to people there as my girlfriend, that cool?”
Be nonchalant about it, make it no big deal, and, if you read it right, when you tell her she’s your girlfriend you’ll almost be able to see the hearts form in her eyes.