What to Do When Girls Flake | Girls Chase

What to Do When Girls Flake

Chase Amante

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girls flakeIs there anything more annoying than having a girl you put a lot of time and sweat into building rapport with flake on a date with you? You planned everything out perfectly, finally steeled yourself to ask her, set everything up, and then… the girl flakes.

She's a no-show.

No good.

It used to drive me crazy when girls flake, and I know for a fact it still drives plenty of other guys out there crazy too.

Fortunately, it doesn’t have to be a dating death sentence, because there are plenty of both preventative measures to avoid a girl flaking... and salves to smooth things over and recover from a flake if it's already happened.

Let's look at both.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.



Anonymous's picture

What happens if your girl flakes you the first time saying they can't do that day. You ask them whats up, understand the situation, then wait a day / two and then ask to reschedule / change of plans. Then on the day of that she flakes you again saying she has no way of getting to that location. Do you continue to reschedule? If she has asked to reschedule the following day, do you just say yes and let her organise it? Or should you reply more like "yea sure, same place? ;D"

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Anon,

My standard operating procedure with flakes is to make the date progressively easier for me.

So, if your first date is to meet up at a restaurant somewhere, and she flakes, next time tell her to meet you at the subway station or coffee shop near your place. If then she flakes again, saying she can't get there, move it closer, if possible. If she flakes again, tell her, "Why don't you just come over here when you're ready, and we'll head out?"

This weeds out the girls who aren't "serious" and gets them investing more when they do come to see you, which more than compensates for their prior flakiness.

If she flakes, make the date progressively easier for YOU each time, and you'll maximize the chance that if you get her out, she's going to be interested. The easier it is for her and harder it is for you, the less interested she's going to be when you show up, most of the time. So take a flake as an opportunity to switch things up a bit if you hadn't already made the date easy on yourself.


Anonymous's picture

You'd give the girl a second chance if she flaked?? I would never.

Anonymous's picture

Yea, I recently had a chick flake on the first date (it was a tinder date though, so I dunno if that affects how anyone might view it, but for all intensive purposes she seemed pretty ready to go, gave me her number and address), first day was supposed to be a date around 9:40pm after I got off work, she txt'd me earlier in the day but it got lost in translation and came up on my phone as some kinda garble that looked like 1 word of netspeak, and she sent me a screenshot of her txt window going "you didn't get my earlier text?" then I sent her a screenshot of what id received and was like "nope".

First time I've EVER had a text get garbled like that before, I've had long texts get chopped up and sent out of order, but never rewritten into something completely different.

Anyway I'm rambling, so I gave her the option of going out later when she got off, or rescheduling, she wanted to reschedule which was no biggie, said the next day she was free in the evening, said ok ill txt you to confirm around 8. Sent her a text saying "hope you're hungry" around 8ish, no reply, took a short lunch at work so I could leave a half hour early to get ready and pick her up a little sooner, txt'd her again at 9:05 asking if she'd be ready by 9:30 for a pickup, no reply.

So I tried calling once at 9:12, didn't leave a voicemail, called again at 9:30 and again no pickup, so I left a voicemail saying "Hi *girls name* this is *my name*, I guess something came up, call or text if you'd still like to go out, if I don't hear from you then good luck" in what probably sounded like a slightly annoyed tone.

Honestly wasn't really pissed off, it takes a lot these days to make me angry, just more confused than anything. I mean, I have 2 other girls *locked* (i say it like that because until we're on the date I consider it tentative, because the first one here who flaked twice, once with notice, and a second time without a word) 1 other girl with a floating tentative drink date (I consider this one to have a relatively decent chance of happening, less so than the others because there's no solid day/time yet, but she got back to me within about 60 seconds of msging her about it the other day, so I'll stay ambivalent about it, either way not super invested), and two other chicks I can probably hit up to set something up with if I know ahead of time whether or not other shits happening (trying not to book up all my days right now to leave room for the tentative drink date chick, or possibly a fucking rest day, because these chicks were running me ragged last week).

Anyway the serial dating is what helps me personally manage flaky chicks, since the more shit you have on the docket the better chances at least something will go through, and you'll think / focus less on what doesn't. It always renders me quizzical though when chicks who flake with a lot of advance notice flake a second time with no notice and become unavailable to reach (it's possible I'll hear from her sometime in the next few days / week, but not really holding out for that). I'm pretty new to the whole tinder thing though, and from what I hear it's a normal occurance here, and since you can basically "tinder stalk" by pulling peoples profiles up to see when they were last online, I know nothing bad happened to her because she popped in there the following morning :P

Why all these women gotta be bullshitting?

Andy's picture

Hey Chase,

Been on a couple of really fun dates with a woman after she contacted me through a social network site. We live a bit apart from each other distance wise but is perfectly workable. First two dates went great with conversation, flirting and plenty of kissing. Anway at the end of the second date I asked her about meeting up later that week with me possibly visiting her home town to change things up a bit. She said yeh great or if I wanted could meet somewhere else. Anyway this week we texted back and forth, she texted me during the week asking how I was, work etc and a big long fun text on Thursday.

We had agreed to meet this friday. I texted her to remind her about meeting this Friday the day before that evening. She texted me on Friday apologising for not texting back lastnight because shes busy and also apologising saying she totally forgot about having to visit her friend and that she has a head like a sieve. Her text ended with "but we should definitely do something next week?"

I responded some hours later with an upbeat flirty/jokey text saying im also busy but happy to see the weekend, shame we can't meet up but yeh I definitely see her next week and sure keep me posted and I wished her a good weekend. With this text I haven't had any response and its been silence from my end also.

Chase how would you proceed with this to successfully arranging the third date?



Jeff's picture

So, I was flaked on two hours before my date. She texted that she was going to have to stay late for work, I didn't know what to do, so I cracked a joke about it and called her a wuss with a =) face. Then, she texted something to the effect that she did want to hang out with me, but next weekend would work better. Her text seemed pretty positive.

Am I under the spell of some elaborate chick ruse? What should I do? Part of me feels like she's just buying some time until I ultimately give up, but the optimistic part of me wants to give her the benefit of the doubt. What do I need to do now?

Dave's picture

I got this girls number, and she seems very into me. I called her on a Sunday to set up plans to get together, but my original plan never worked out because she has a very full schedule. She said text her in a few days to set something up, so i texted her 2 days later to see if she wanted to get together on Friday night. Of course, she did not respond. That was yesterday, I guess if I don't get any response, i'll call her tomorrow night to see if she wants to get together. If I get a voicemail what should I say? Or any other suggestions?

Anonymous's picture

This girl invited me out and then flaked.

Joe's picture

The last 3 girls I've shown interest in flaked on me at least 7 times in total, and I only got one date out of them put together. I eventually just gave up on the first two and stopped asking them out. The last one really frustrated me, and I told her so. I sent her a text saying I felt like an idiot when she didn't show up the second time, that I had wanted to get to know her better, but all I'd learned about her was she doesn't keep dates she says yes to. She texted me back a couple of hours later with a brief but eloquent apology. She redeemed herself somewhat in my eyes, but I fear I blew it by blaming her for reneging. Did I?

Anonymous's picture

Month ago we had planned to go to the movies with her, some of her friends, my friends and me.

2 weeks ago, Thursday, I txt her to see if it's still up. She asks who I'm bringing and, despite my 'plan' not to bring any of MY friends, I got a bit nervous and just replied that I'd invited 1 friend of mine who she knows. She then told me they'd canceled that for next week.

Last Thursday, same thing. This time, she tells me to ask her friend about the time and movie. I do so, and her friend replies with the details and then says "she (the girl I'm interested in) may not be able to go because she had other plans :)"

The girl, nor her friend nor me ended up going. Even if she'd showed dozens of great signs since the start of this year, I thought this was the end of it. I mean, cancelling on me 2 times? And in 1 of them she didn't tell me herself when she could? What gives?

Luckily, there was a school activity thing the next Saturday (2 days ago). She, her friend, a few others and I went. She approached me about 4-5 times and in all of them grabbed my arm and/or pushed me in a flirty kinda way. The one I recall the best is: I was in line waiting for lunch, she'd just finished her lunch and came out of the lunch room. She walked past me, then kept looking back (but I kinda ignored her on purpose) until she turned around with this big smile and approached me.

I realize this could mean she's just a flirt but, what keeps me in hope is that, if she wasn't interested she probably wouldn't have flirted with me the day after she cancelled on me...right?

So, what gives? Is she "testing" me to see how I react, or what? Should I ask her again to go to the movies once Spring Break passes? This is where my bad luck comes in, the first 2 Fridays after Spring Break are "taken" by other school things so, if I do decide to do this it's going to be practically 1 month from now...

PS: I'm in HS and she's 1 grade higher, if it matters.

Anonymous's picture

If you play her game it'll set the tone for the rest of your relationship... she clicks her fingers you jump.

Forget about her, she obviously doesn't respect you.

Move on to find someone else that gives you equal respect. If anything (and this is the most important part) it'll show all the other girls in your school that you value integrity; She'll also realise what a fool she was.

Jonathan's picture

She used to flake on me before but we just went out on a date we made plans for another date but when the day came she flaked and said she forgot even though I reminded her the night before, should I even bother to reschedule?

Anonymous's picture

Ok so I'm talking to this girl and shes very easy to hang out with as in, usually she will make accommodations to hang out or if she needs to get something done she will just ask if I'd like to come along. She wants me to meet most of her friends and talks about them a lot but the problem is a majority of them are guys and I don't really know what to think about that. long story short she said one of them was in town today that she hadn't seen for a long time and she was going to hang out with him but she was going to call me later to meet up and hot tub. later passed by and no text or anything and she hasn't texted me so far today (day after the incident around). So here is my question. what should I do about that? Should I take it as a flake and take it as no big deal or should I take it as she ditched me for him and I should give up? Should I even text her today or what? I just don't know what to think you know? Oh and i've only known her for about a week or so and didn't really start using your tactics until maybe the 6th day of knowing her. I have no idea if that affected it or not just thought any extra info might help give a more clear answer.

Anonymous's picture

Well here it goes, I met this girl about three weeks ago we danced together and kissed that night. I got her number and that Sunday I asked her to go out with me and she said yes. We went on the date, everything went smooth. Then two days later we met for lunch, it went fine. Then she came to my place after work three days after lunch and we had a good time watching tv and cuddling. I also invited to my cusions wedding for the Saturday she gets back in town, tomorrow. Then she went out of town for a week and I was also out of town. We texted the whole week, not rapidly but still conversed. Then this Monday she tells me she has to work this weekend and she was sorry and she had been trying to get people to cover for her. I texted her back two hours later as it took her 8 hours to reply to my previous. But since then she hasn't texted me nor I of her. What would be the best way to approach this?

Michael K's picture

Here is my situation, I dont let flakey girls bother me however I have been trying slowly (rinse and repeat) for nearly 5 months now texting back and forth with this girl. When I call her she wont pick up or call back, but she calls me once in a while. It became predictable to me that she wont pick calls so I don't call anymore. She told me to come see her at work once and I did. She replies to every text in good time.

Now what do you do if you arrange a date and she flakes for the third time. She sends a text the following day with a BS excuse, Do you just ignore her 3 strikes and your out or send an unphased reply and keep chatting to her not as much but letting her initiate if she does.

I thought this girl was super shy giggling with her best friend who she will and will not sleep with I am on the back burner looking weak responding to all her messages while she is smashing other guys. Something I will never know!

Any input? thanks

AFC's picture

By the way, I have a very specific definition of "flaking." A girl flakes when she does not show up for a planned meet-up and does not call you beforehand to tell you she cannot make it and/or does not even acknowledge that she does so.

A girl who calls me up 20 minutes before a date to cancel because an emergency happened is NOT a flaker. That's called bad luck, not flaking.

That being said, there is absolutely no excuse for when a girl actually flakes (i.e. not show up for the date at all without any advance warning).

"It’s not about you"

You're perfectly right. It's Her. She's fucking rude. I think it is interesting that no one ever complains about guys flaking. (Because guys keep their commitments better than women) Yet if a guy were to ever flake, there would be no articles online justifying why guys flake. That guy would just be considered an asshole. I think the same standard should be applied to women.

It's 2012. It's about time women embrace the responsibility (and not just the benefits) of living in the 21st century.

Anonymous's picture

I agree with you 100%. However, I'm a woman and I've been flaked on by the same guy repeatedly. The confusing thing is, why does he keep calling me and initiating dates if he isn't interested enough to follow through? I've even politely told him that I'm not going to make plans with him anymore and then he begs for one more chance, only to flake again.

Derek1's picture

Hey AFC,

I see where you are coming from, but I have to disagree with you on this:

"A girl who calls me up 20 minutes before a date to cancel because an emergency happened is NOT a flaker. That's called bad luck, not flaking."

Sorry to say it, but that is 100% a Flake. Women have started doing that because they think that it allows them to save face when they were planning to Flake anyway...but that technique has worn out its welcome (and us seasoned dating guys have wised up to it).

Guys get up in the morning, of a date, with a day's worth of planning in place. They wear / pack the proper clothes, they shave, they get their hair just right, they organize daily work duties (to ensure they can get to the date on-time), they schedule a time / place to freshen up beforehand, they buy the transit ticket, they get there 15 minutes early, and (Most Importantly) they turn-down any other potential activities that they could be doing that evening. Giving a guy 20 minutes, or even a few hours notice does not make up for these sacrifices (maybe just 1-2 at most). The woman may feel all warm and fuzzy inside for giving us the "30 minutes notice", but most likely they don't...because they understand what they've done...and they know that they wouldn't want to be treated the same way by us.

However, text me immediately afterwards and rescheduling the date, buying me a box of chocolates, giving me the option of taking her back to her place, clothes off within 15 minutes, and her paying for dinner afterwards. In that case, I might be willing to give her another shot ;)

Crypticify's picture

Hey Guys, just wanted to share my experience on how i managed to deal with a flake.....

So i met this girl online and we talked on the phone for a couple of days...Then she suggested we should meet up, i played it cool and said 'sure why not?'..Ne ways then the day comes and she says that her family is coming for a visit and she can't make it...I played it cool and said it's no biggie and we can reschedule later,and we did. But she did it again, just 10 mins before the date, she texts me 'sorry, something important came up, can't make it, call you later"...Now i was already at the spot waiting for her...At this point I decided that im not gonna waste any more of my time in this...Hence, since i had nothing to lose ,I should say something to her.

So i sent her this text "Is this your idea of some kinda stupid joke ?? You don't cancel an appointment just ten mins before it starts !! You should have informed earlier. This is inexcusable..Please do me a favor and don't call me again...Have a good life, may god bless you !!"

As far as I was concerned, that was gonna be my last text to her...But then, she send me another text apologizing again and saying that she had good reason (her mom got sick)..
I replied 'sorry about your mom, i hope she gets well, but you shoulda informed me earlier before my ass was half way to the venue..you shouldn't waste someone's time like that..

After that text, she called me after three days and apologized again...i decided she apologized enuf so i let her go and we rescheduled...this time she didn't dare flake and we ended kissing like horny teens...I bedded her the second date at her place...

Ne ways, i guess the bottom line is women are like peanut butter in a jar, if you can't pick them up with a straight finger, you gotta try curling (your fingers, i.e)

Anonymous's picture

this site rocks.

the main reason is because these guys are pushing taking women to bed ASAFP. its the ONLY way in 2012, you get 5 minutes from them TOPS therefore they dont deserve any more of our time. especially in clubs - if the girl doesnt go home with you just leave her there without saying anything.

setting up a date and then recap on text is a waste of time too. they WILL flake and you waste a whole day of your life.

Alejo's picture

so this is my story... is about a girl from my job, she’s 35 yrs old and i am 24 we started texting, soon after we went on the first date, few more dates and i finally bedded her, she became my lover, we stayed a few whole weekends in my apartment just sleeping together and watching tv. I just moved to this apartment so I was happy to cook something for both of us, so I invited her for dinner, she said sure I will go, but first I have to do something with my siblings, I said fine, call me if anything.. I waited all night for her to call me and nothing no sign of her, she didn’t call me until Sunday, I bought everything for that night's dinner I felt like crap. She called me kind of laughing thinking it was a joke. Maybe I’ve made a mistake of saying this: I told her it was so disrespectful that she could at least have given me a call. (instead of playing it cool, but since this wasn’t our first date I thought It was so rude), so that Sunday she told me that she stayed home sick and she didn’t have any form of calling me (of course i didn’t believe that), she did apologized like crazy, she sent me like 10 text messages on Sunday apologizing (I didn’t answer to any of them, neither more of her calls). Monday came up and she called me apologizing again, Wednesday came, and I asked her what she really did on Saturday night, and she told that she really went out to drink beers with her “cousin”, I was like whattt, I told her you know what we shouldn’t be together at all. I told her that it was so disrespectful that we should leave this as it is. She texted me saying that she wanted to come to my apartment and have sex with me, and I didn’t respond until one day later, restating that we are not together anymore. So here I am standing, reading this thinking I’ve made a mistake by not playing it cool.

Hermes's picture

(excuse my poor english)

... says something along the lines of "I understand you won't want to give me another opportunity , sorry the annoyance. Farewell."

I have the feeling she's actually trying to apologize while at the sane time, subtly implying that she has just decided not to meet me.

I want to clarify this is a girl I just met two weeks ago for one minute on a disco, we shared some laughs and qhemistry. I had a crash on her, and followed your "20 texting tips" to the letter.

What should I reply to her?
Should I follow again the tips provided here? "It's okay, unexpected duties/whatever always comes when you last await them". Then resheduling some hours later with the "why don't you just come over here, and we'll head out?"?

Anonymous's picture

No. Three strikes and you're definitely out! Cut your losses now and don't invest any more time into this woman. Try to find a woman who is not so self-absorbed.

Henry's picture

I met this girl online and we have basically texted each other every day. We went out on a first date and it went really good. She said she wanted to see me soon and seemed really interested in me. She texts me and asks me to send pics of mysleff to her. she compliments me and says all the right things to me. I asked for a second date and she said yes and picked the place and the date. When the day of the date came she cancelled on me saying she was sick. I believed her because she was sick that week. So we rescheduled for the next week. I changed my plans to accommodate her because I am interested in this girl. Well she text me and says a college girlfriend is in town and can we change our date from sat to sun. I was annoyed by this but I said yes. Well on Sunday she texts me and says that she went to the beach with her friend and she doesn't know what time she will get back. I reply with just let me know. She says ok. I later receive a text that she will be getting back later than she thought and she won't make it. Im confused, Should I give up on this girl? I feel as if she is interested but after these two instances I have my doubts that she is. Should I hit her up or wait til she hits me up.

Anonymous's picture


This seems like a nice article, but it seems to me that girls that are truly interested RARELY ever flake.
I was quite surprised to read the bold print where you suggest that girls who verbally agree on a date are almost certainly interested.

I do understand that logistical problems can come about. However, it has been my observation that women rarely shoot down an invite, even if they're not interested. I believe that a woman declining your invitation for a date is actually willing to invest more energy than a girl who, say, just wants to see how valuable she is to us.

Perhaps the concept of flaking is being used here somewhat ambiguously? Certainly, if shes involved in a tragic car accident on the way to your meet- Yes, perhaps there was nothing wrong with your approach

Anonymous's picture

It happened to me! I dated one great guy , had fun on 2 dates; and one day he wanted me to meet with him and I had dinner plans with friends and family. He insisted that maybe I could meet him later. I said that I would try if the dinner ended early. He said he would wait for me. My battery died at the middle of my dinner...no one ha an iphone charger on them and I obviously had not memorized his number! I got home around 11pm and wrote him an email through my ipad and apologized for not making it and for keeping him waiting. He never replied and even blocked me in whatsapp! Amazing! I charged my phone and texted him as soon as it charged. He never replied. I had his address (he had given it to me) and two days later I (super naive) went to his apartment and left a I'm sorry little gift and card. He still never wrote back or called me! What a coward!

Anonymous's picture

Chase! Ok! So I met this girl at my university. A single mom. She totally digged me. We went out one time right after class. After that we both got busy. I tried doing stuff a couple times and I postponed while she was down. Then we tried doing something like me planning to go over her house which she wasn't down for and I apologized for even bringing up. She was nice about it. Now I try to hang out with her and she always said she was busy. I said I wouldn't quit on her. She finally agreed to a date this Friday night. However 4 days later i made things all complicated by suggesting I had great plans and maybe a Saturday would be better and asked what she thought. She never responded. Then I called her on Wednesday. 2 days before our originally planned date which we planned a last Friday. It went to her voicemail. I feel she is ignoring me. I feel angry. I just want an answer. Don't care what it is. I feel like coming down on her and setting her straight. But your advice says to STAY COOL and show her it's no big deal. WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Anonymous's picture

chase! i met this girl on the street, while i was walking back home, so we talked like 5 minutes, i walked her back home, but she said i couldn´t come in which was totally fine for me, then she handed me her number..i contacted her the next day and she replied to all ma 3 texts. i set up a date with her the next day, but she replied that her schedule is gonna be
very tight that day but if we can do it the next day which i said yeah that its totally fine for me. i texted her after like 5hrs to ask how her day was but she never replied..i suppose to meet her today but im kinda worried on how to send a text to her about the meet up since she hasnt replied to ma last 2 messages..
what should i do?

Edmond's picture

Hey Chase,

I think that it isn't necessarily clear that one should text an hour or two before a date to minimize flaking. I find that when I text a neutral text about where we are meeting an hour or two before girls will often use that as an opportunity to cancel. Now of course some of these girls might have not shown up or canceled last minute but I think some of them were on the fence and saw the text as an out. In other words, had I not sent the neutral text they might have shown up. Another way of putting it is that through texting an hour before I made it easier for them to cancel.


stratvm's picture

think we should add that a great number of flakes are shxt-test from girls who try to weed out the needy, inexperienced guys because i regularly get flaked on date 1 but then date 2 basically always happen.

as someone being flaked on countless times i can confirm the following:

- flaking on date 1 is almost certain even if a girl asks you out (like today :D)
- you should plan your day as normal, you shouldnt be emotionally invested in a date at all, like, treat it as a task in work - if it doesnt happen better as you save a lot of willpower it takes to take them to bed
- treating date 1 mentally as a sure flake saves you a lot of anger and a big disappointment especially if its an online date
- the highly sought after quality body girls will disappear if you dont contact them for reschedule the rest usually contacts you

Anonymous's picture

what if she flaked out on the second date...and she turned cold...she doesn't reply your text..she doesn't call...what do I do.??do I call her....

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase.

So I had a girl flake on me this weekend. Said she was sick all night, but was IM me all night and seemed fine. Any I shrugged it off as suggested. After this who should make contact after the flake, me or her? Is there any amount of time to wait if I have to contact her?


Anonymous's picture

The girl is just scared her family nor friends would like you because they have this perfect guy for her.

Anonymous's picture

I started chatting with some girl online. Set up a date using all the texting techniques on this site which have worked well so far. She texts a few hours before the meet saying something came up and couldn't meet anymore and that she was sorry. I said "no worries, thanks for letting me know" and I shrugged it off. Waited a day and then asked her if she could still meet this upcoming weekend (which was a good day for her) and she said "yeah this weekend would work!", yadda yadda, "great, see you then!" Day of the meet she texts me first in the morning saying good morning, etc. I didn't want to get carried too deep into a conversation over text so I replied and asked if we were still on for later that night and she said "yeah definitely!"

I got stood up and she never replied to any of my texts asking if she was still coming or lost, etc....WTF?

Q. J.'s picture

Hi. I've been knowing this woman for about a year and a half and we've always been pretty good friends. we have been to the movies a couple of times and it's been really great so one day I decided to tell her that I would really like to get to know her. Much better. So we decided to go out on a date and I text her earlier the day of the date and ask will she be able to make it and she says yes. So I arrived at the restaurant and wait about 5 minutes and she does not show up like she usually does she's usually on time all the time but she text back about 10 minutes later Then calls and says she can't make it because she has to take her mom to another town and she apologizes a couple of times And says she still loves me Idk why she said that while on the phone and I tell her it's okay and we hang up. So about 5 minutes later she texts and says that she wants to make it up to me and asks me what I'm doing Friday.... What would you do sir.... I agreed for Friday.

Anonymous's picture

Met this girl on plenty of fish. we started snapchatting a lot mostly late at night and it was getting quite cheeks saying that she Was touching herself and needed my help with it and she wanted to have sex in my car. I agreed to go to nandos with her Friday evening and then go for a drive.

I text her on Friday morning saying is she still good for nandos later and she said she wasn't feeling herself and might have to back out. I thought she might be feeling the pressure of me expecting sex of her so I said just come for a meal and not for a drive(sexy time) after. She said she couldn't and she is ill. So I said I'm gutted but it's cool.

Do you think there's still life in this or not? Should I wait a bit to ask if she wants to meet another time or what, not sure what to do...?

Anonymous's picture

Chase, I've had four dates with this lady. We've been talking for about 3 months now. Our busy schedules, and distance (60 miles apart), make more frequent *actual* dates (as opposed to virtual) a bit of a hardship. I initiated the first, third, and fourth. Our fourth was one of the most productive in terms of getting to know each other and such. She thanked me again, the next day, for dinner. A couple of days later she said her normal Tuesday evening thing wasn't happening and "if I wanted" we could go out. Unfortunately, my Tuesday was booked with work stuff but I suggested Thursday. She agreed. However, her job demands do make her work really late sometimes so she had to put it off. She however offered Friday before she left town. She then had to work again on Friday morning and really wanted to get on the road. She said she'd call me on the way back (Monday) to let me know if she'd be back in time to get together. I didn't hear from her. I didn't text her or call her at all. I was a bit concerned that she went from being really into me to suddenly changing her mind (as women do) and the pushing back and no-contact-Monday was a gentle let-down. However, I ran across this. I wasn't sure whether to just walk away or not. However, I do like this woman. I see long term potential in her (I'm ready to settle down). While I'm not at the point where I want to call it a "relationship," I'd really like to continue getting to know her (which she knows, and thinks the same). I took your advice.

The next day (yesterday), I dropped her a text just to see how her day was going. We had a good chat (while she was working and while I was in a work meeting). I didn't bring up Monday, at all. As it turns out, she was tired and grouchy and really just wanted to get home. I discovered through social media (she put it out there later that evening) that she really digs the drive-in.. I contacted her this morning and suggested (not asked) that we should go to the drive-in. I did mention her post. Of course, her response was an ambiguous, "I love the drive-in." At which point, I turned on the Alpha, and didn't ask what she meant. I said, well, then let's do Friday. She agreed.

I will say, that was her second "flake." The first flake was when I couldn't nail anything down for a second date. She agreed to it, but it got pushed back twice. I just let it go with nothing set. I prepared myself to find some more first dates (once a second date is agreed to, I stop all other first dates as I can only get to know one lady at a time). A few days went by and she apologized and suggested a mid-afternoon weekend lunch at a local park.

Brasi's picture

I met this girl online on Fling, and she talked big shit about how good in bed she was. She was good, but she was 5 hours late coming over for the first time. We texted back and forth, she'd say a time, then push it back over and over. Then at the last minute around 4AM, she blew up my phone and she came over. This happened a few days later, but not to the same extent, but she was around 3 hours late.

Last night, we agreed on 11:00, she texts me at midnight asking am I up, I said yeah, crickets back until 2am, saying she dozed off and wanted it ASAP, i ignored the text. I texted her this morning saying when are you available? she says TONIGHT @1030. I replied stating, bring food if you're late or dont bother coming.

I'm not sure if it seems like I'm chasing her by giving her multiple chances, or do I just keep playing it cool with her flaking on the original time. I'm getting a good lay but I hate non punctual people.

YuXuan's picture

Hey dear chase:
I'm from China, and I have read many of your stuff. I have to say they are quite useful.
Since I don't have much experience on dating, your articles help me a lot.
I'm pure Chinese(lol) who interested in interacial dating. For me, sometimes it's a little bit confused due to the different culture and manners. Also as your personal experisence, eastern and western ways are far too different from each other.
Let me cut to the chase:
I met my friend, in 2013. She is spainish, and we met in a BBQ party. at that time I dont have much experience on dating. made some mistakes, I tried it in my way. But it didn't work out. She ppent 3 month in Beijing, then back to Spain. After she got back in Spain, we contact more often than before. This year, after i read many of your stuff, I decided to ask her out. Now she is in china. The first date was okay, i texted her and said i missed her , and asked her out for dinner. She gave me a yes. But she texted me in the afternoon 3 hour before the date and said; she was kinda sick, can't make it. then she
rescheduled it to the following day. I was thinking that she was making up excuse. On the following day, she showed up and we had an okay night. I paid for dinner, in a resturant ( not expensive one just as you suggest), then we went to a bar, she paid for the beers. For the second date, I invited her to my friend's birthday party,(I think it wasn't a good option for her to go party full of my friends). She refused to go, the excuse was she got a friend coming, need to go airport. then i stop texting her for a week. Days ago, I tried to ask her out again . I sent the text like: there will be a design event next weekend, wanna go and have some cool dinner? It took her nearly 24 hours to reply.
To my suprise the answer was, yes. let's do something! and she said she is sorry for late reply, because she was travling. (I always do as you said, ask her abt her schedule first. If she is interested, then I will let her know when and where to meet up in 2 days). When I told her the day and time we shall meet, she also gave me a"perfect"as her reply. But yestday,( the day before our date) she texted me again, told me one of her friend just died, she is sad and not in good mood to go. And also stress that this is the second friend of hers died. ( she mationed that when we first met and told me sth abt of one her friend died in 2013. and she also mentioned this this time.) This time, she didn't reschedule our date. and I also don't know what to do about it. I'm confused, because I asked her two times to confirm our date.
Please let me know what to do !
ALso, i reply to her, sorry for your loss. You have my condolence.
I think it's not appropriate to ask her out again. I won't know when she will be good for another date.

Asten's picture

I'm assuming you won't see this and reply since this is an old article, but I just wanted to let you know how helpful all of your articles are, Chase, and I had a quick problem I've run into and hoped this article would clear it up-and while it helped, it didn't satisfy my hunger for closure.

So there's a girl at my college who went to my high school, but we never talked until we saw each other at college. We hit it off and got along great (too bad we never gave each other a chance in high school, right?), and ended up texting a lot and getting really flirty. By the end of a certain day (about a week or two after starting to talk to her), we were basically gonna hang out that Thursday night, first time hanging out in person outside of school, only known her a little bit, we were super flirty, she was SnapChatting a good amount in like just an undershirt; basically it was obvious she was interested and we were gonna hook up Thursday. But she flaked. She didn't respond within like the 3 hours surrounding the time we were supposed to meet, texted me afterwards saying she ended up going to the college's event they were having with friends (also went downtown with friends?) and her phone died anyway. So I was like alright that sucks, but let's hang out some other time. Then that day came and she flaked again, I really hadn't done anything against what you wrote in this article up to this point, so I was confused.

But nevertheless a couple days later (now a few days before Christmas break), I was like "So, are we gonna hang out sometime?" (or something along those lines), and she asked me to meet her in the cafeteria in 15 minutes, I was just heading downtown with friends and told her I couldn't make it, she didn't respond until hours later anyway (I forgot response). But I digress. The bottom line is she chased me, we both flirted a lot, we were gonna hang out which was clearly for hooking up, but then she flaked twice and a row and now we haven't talked in about 3 weeks, and she never explained anything and I never dared ask (I've learned a bit on my own, too). But it'd be real nice to get some closure, like why did this happen and is there any way to repair it? Because I don't have any intention of dating this girl, but she's super cute and I had a semi-crush on her in high school and it was awesome that we'd finally started talking in college, but as you just read, that didn't go too well.

Any ideas?

The Fingz's picture

There are still relevant posts about this and the article is over 5 years old! I have a girl doing this shit to me right now. We have been friends for years but never got as close as we did a few weeks ago, She has always treated me VERY well including lending me her vehicle, buying me things and giving me rides, Anyway she has flaked in the past on a few occasions but I really didn't care that much, The killer in my flaker is SHE IS THE HOTTEST GIRL EVER, I have had beautiful women but this girl has A BODY THAT ROCKSand we totally understand eachother, Warp to recently and we got close again and I did her all types of favors. She slept over but I never got any clear signal she was interested in sex so I played it cool, In hind sight maybe I should have just went for it all in but it is too late for that now. I did't want to take a chance of totally making things uncomfortable for her. I know I have a crush now so I feel obligated to keep this non sense going, I am totally ashamed of myself but she has no fear of pretending she wants to commit to something then act like it is nothing, I know I might forgive her again but eventually I will see her and just tell her the truth because I am tired of not feeling anything back. It is totally rude for anyone to make a plan with you and then just ignore it like it never happened let alone a girl that tells you how great you are but won't even show up to hangout, No calls or texts, There is no doubt her phone is in her hand at all times so saying she didn't recieve a message or couldn't use the phone is a total lie, This is 2016! I would like to think that she will eventually mean the personal things she says to me. That is where she hooks me in, She says things to me that make it sound like she could be interested like inviting me over for sleepovers and making major compliments to me, I know this will end with me having to move on but the total point of this story is it sucks when the girl is like extra beautiful and also WHY THE HELL DO GIRLS MAKE PLANS THEN TOTALLY FLAKE ON YOU! I just believe that women just like drama like it is something that is part of their soul, This will be an eternal problem for some men as long as there is humanity, LOL

brandon2017's picture

a woman flaked me for lunch but i spotted a girl-friend of her checking my moves inside the restaurant (she did not even tried to hide, although probably she could not physically hide... she actually smiled at me from from distance...never seen her there in years)... then 1/2 hour later than the scheduled time the friend left and my crush called me explaining she ended in the wrong place as she misunderstood the address (which is impossible so please do not waste time commenting on this). What's the plot? My crush is insecure and wanted just to check i had really gone and waited for her, or is she having just fun with me? PS we are not teens... we are both married, and not to each other.

Chrisrock1's picture

Hey alpha, I started talking to this girl on tinder,she was playing hard to get so I gave her my number and we started texting,I knew I had to make my move fast so I ask her on a date on the days she wasn't working so we planned it,It was a picnic at a park,something really simple,a day before the date we were texting and out of nowhere she stop replying so I kept it cool and waited to see if the next day which is the (date) to see if she would have text,but that never happened so the next day I text her saying thank you for letting me know a head of time that she doesn't have any respect for me nor character,and how I shouldnt put any effort in getting to know her,she text back saying she told me she didn't have a car which I never got that text and also on how if that's how I won't it to be then that's fine with her! I haven't text back and it's been a day please what do I do next,I know I messed up by getting upset and telling her all that but it was on New Year's Eve I honest wanted to take her out ..

Roly's picture

I don't know man. It sounds like you've got a system to manage flakes, and PRETEND it's no big deal. But here's a thing it IS a big deal. When a girl flakes she IS completely disrespecting you and your time. It's not acceptable.

You got lucky with the girl who flaked in this story. My guess is she really DID get lost, and couldn't find you, so she really did try her hardest to make it up to you next time.

I'm willing to bet with most girls that flake, unlike what you're saying in this particular story, it IS about her interest level in you, and whatever she says is just a BS excuse. if you act like it's "no big deal", you're just telling her that behavior is Ok, and she'll do it AGAIN and AGAIN, and AGAIN.

The only thing I've ever found to work with flakes, is to ACT like it's no big deal, like you say here, schedule a new date - then txt her to cancel 90 minutes before with very few details and flake on her. The reverse flake. That's the only way I've ever stopped a serial flaker - by giving her a taste of her own medicine. She'll DEFINITELY show up for the next date you schedule.

If I just did what you suggested her. Psssssh! Please. Give me a break man. She'll just flake again. You know better man! You got lucky on this one. The scenario you painted is NOT typical of most flakes. :-|

Matthew Martin's picture

Past few days I've been steeped in this sociopathic "Alpha" advice all these self-proclaimed dating experts. Almost bought it. Your advice is so much more intuitive and restores my faith that women, of whom I've had relatively few in my life, are indeed actual human beings.

Joseph P.'s picture

When a girl flakes, it means the guy didn't failed to come in first place. In dating and job interviews (both very similar and I can't stand either one) if you're not first, you're last.

By this, I mean you need to be better than her exes (all women have exes), and beat all the other guys competing for her. When she flakes out, you lost the race. That's cause for deleting her from every platform. At this point, she'll only come back to you for attention, favors, validation, connections, and all this other beta stuff. No guy wants to be a beta orbiter. It's much better to ditch her off than keep her number. Most of the time, she won't see you as beta, she'll see you as useless.

Use the one strike rule. And ask yourself, would she flake out on Lebron James? She wouldn't, and a guy wouldn't flake on a double-date with Halle Berry and Katy Perry. Don't save a girl's number in your phone until she actually goes out with you. When I get flaked on, I realize I wasn't in first place, and I cut her off entirely. Why try again with a girl who isn't interested? She can burn in hell for all I care.

Online girls get totally blocked for flaking on the first date. I won't allow a flake to come back to me to seek some beta attention and validation to go back to the guy(s) I lost to.

Anything other than a yes with the proper actions to back it up is a no, and should result in the girl being deleted from every communication platform. Even so, her flaking is the guy's fault, he messed up somewhere. It could be something as petty as cheering for Ohio State or the Alabama Crimson Tide. Or owning an Android phone. Or wearing a green shirt. Or being an Aries. Or she's got someone and needs orbiters.

A woman's interest is always made by the kinds of guys she has around her, and what she's looking for at that time. Don't hold your breath for her mood or mind to change later. At the same time, men have to make the moves, and often the first moves (sadly that puts the woman in a position of power i.e. she's the fortune 500 company, you're the applicant. The hiring team has total control of who's hired and who's not, not the applicants.)

For me, when a woman at work doesn't give me her number or rejects me in some way, she's totally ignored. Not even a hi comes from me. Why the fuck should I jist be a woman's friend. Men and women can't be just friends. When women get upset about this, guys should know that these same women cry because they miss all the beta attention. By extension, compliments if you were giving them. BTW, compliments for a girl are a horrible idea unless she's your S.O. Before that stage, complimenting a woman is just a form of cleaning her pedestal that her 23 orbiters built. AKA kissing her ass. To hell with that. And I resent attention/ validation whores.

Once a flake, always a flake. Dropping her hard after the first time will serve you better in the long run. You won't chase, you won't kiss her ass, you won't piss on her if she was lit on fire.

If you're a guy, and past 25, what the hell kind of space do you have in your life for women who play flaky games, hard-to-get (never-will-get) and throw mixed (negative) signals? If she does these things in the initial stages, what does that display in regards to her thoughts of you? It means you'll have an uphill battle. You shouldn't have any room in your life for women who play head games immediately.

Girls that don't make it easy for you do not belong around you. Girls that show little interest do not belong around you. Don't be a beta. Never be friends with a girl. Sex first, relationship second. Always.

Vincent TJ.'s picture

hey man, so I found out your stuff a couple years ago, quite lucky since I'm not even from an english-speaking country (Indonesia) and there's a low chance anyone even knows your stuff. I've recently heard a lot from both PUAs (pick-up artists, basically people who sell guides and tips on getting girls like you do) and the anger/negative bias towards them (girls who HAD stupid, shitty tricks/mindgames pulled on them and later learns that the guy learned that lame/creepy/manipulative stuff from a book).

I just want to say, based on this article and many others you post, you really do say stuff that make sense. I'm currently in my 1st semester of Psychology and I do like stuff that talk about "humans" , not necessarily looking to get deep into "the game of girls" or anything. But I do consider getting your full program, simply because it's really intriguing and I agree with your stuff. it also seems different from all the other, especially older PUAs. I know that of course, I am still thankful for old, but maybe less accurate techniques.

so I've never really left a comment, not a frequent reader either, but this article helped me out! I just texted a girl a while back and she agreed to meet up Today (Friday) and we already talked details 2 days ago (Wednesday) , but she then suddenly said this (each quote is a separate text bubble, translated to english as closely as possible to the original)
"hey, are you still home"
"i'm really sorry"
"this morning I woke up and it turns out I had my period
"and normally whenever I do have my period my cramps get really bad"
"i'm still in pain"
"but I've taken medicines for it, I tried to sleep again to hopefully get better but I couldn't sleep"
"i basically see fireflies when I walk, I'm anemic"
"i'm basically shivering while typing this"
"really sorry"
"next time"
"because I'm really in a severe condition right now"

so my first thought, even though I wasn't gonna lash out or get angry with her or anything, was "wow. this is quite a lot. there's SO many points that it's starting to feel like she's just trying to pile up as many excuses as possible".
but after remembering your stuff, I googled your name+ looking for any articles on flake. there's a lot and this helped me take the correct first step: understand her and take her side that it's okay, try to relate to her in a way, etc. It turned out well! not that I know if she will actually follow through with her promise of "next time" we'll meet up, but I'm glad that I didn't make a mistake because this article further pointed me in the direction my gut was already telling me. for a second, I almost thought that being understanding might make me seem weak and unattractive, and I should just passive-aggressively be like "i'm busy" the next time an opportunity comes up to re-up my own value, but the bit that really helped me out is "be confident that you'll meet her again" and that just makes sense so much.

again, thank you, love your stuff, I know this is a year-old article and maybe you won't reply, but I sure hope you atleast know I'm grateful for the stuff you put out

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