Girl Has a Boyfriend? 3 Things to Do, and 7 Things NOT to | Girls Chase

Girl Has a Boyfriend? 3 Things to Do, and 7 Things NOT to

Chase Amante

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girl has a boyfriendI've been with my fair share of "attached" women before - that's girls with boyfriends and girls with husbands. As I've mentioned before, the way I see it, there's always some guy, SOMEWHERE who's going to be angry you're sleeping with a girl - whether he's her boyfriend, her ex-boyfriend, her husband, or just some guy who's already "called dibs" on her and you moved faster, it doesn't matter - somebody somewhere is upset that you're with "his" girl. So you can either spend time worrying if some man you don't know will have his feelings hurt if you sleep with a woman who wants you, or you can sleep with a woman who wants you and figure that if someone is upset about her for sleeping with someone else, well, that's between that person and her.

And if she was REALLY his, there's not a thing you could've done to get her... trust me.

By the same coin, it doesn't bother me a lick when men are trying to get a girl *I'm* seeing. If you're dating a beautiful girl, men will want her, and men will try to get her. More power to them for trying. And hey, if she DOES give you the slip for some other cat, you can take that as strong evidence that either you weren't doing things right with her, or she wasn't the kind of girl who believes much in loyalty and fidelity, or you're dealing with some combination thereof (usually it's some combination thereof).

Lately though, I've been seeing some pretty lame attempts by men trying to get my girlfriend. And it's made me (and my girlfriend) realize: most men have no idea what to do when a girl has a boyfriend and they like her.

In an effort to stem the tide of lame attempts men make to get girls with boyfriends, I've put together a list here of the top 3 things TO do, and the top 7 things NOT to do when you're trying to get a girl who's got a guy. After reading this list you will, I hope, be in a much better position to avoid making these mistakes - and avoid ending up in time-wasting or worse situations with attached women, too.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his One Date System.



michaeljordan's picture

hi chase i might be 3 years behind before reading your post.
your topic is great. i just dont know what happen to that annus guy.

can you give me advice to my situation right now.?

The Debater's picture

Hello people,

This is the third website I visit regarding whether or not to intervene and I think I found a pretty good place for some feedback. Here's the background:

- I met here a month ago (I'm tutoring her in English, she's my age, 29)
- We have a lot of things in common... like, serious things in common. Like if I say I'm a Taurus (I don't really REALLY believe in that but I do believe it's a guideline) and she's a Virgo she knows that our compatibility is high.
- She has been with her boyfriend since January 2015. In all our sessions even though I've asked her about her weekend she has never mentioned him once.
- I feel a connection, a deep connection the kind you don't feel very often. I have a hunch she feels the same way. I make her laugh and she blushes when I tell her she looks nice (again, she hasn't mentioned the BF once).

Now, I am a firm believer in Karma and maybe she's a the reserved type and that's why she won't tell me about the bf. I think that a gentleman won't intervene (?) in a relationship. But I can't hold my toungue anymore to tell her that I'm into her, at least. So, what THE FUCK is the right call here?

1. Do I tell her I like her but I know she has a boyfriend but I just wanted her to know?
2. Do I tell her what I really feel: She makes me wanna stop fooling around and would love to settle down with her?


P.S. Maybe I'm being cheesy or whatever but I want her so much to be the one.

Anonymous's picture

You say your GF is the type who teases other guys for "fun", basically f'ing with their heads for her own enjoyment. And somehow because she is having fun you think that is normal or an acceptable way to treat men. All the while she is probably just telling you this so she can flirt right in your face and then bang the dudes behind your back. I wouldn't put up with that S, her claiming she is just having "fun" by flirting and leading guys on. What a joke, you probably are one of those dude's who calls himself a lover not a fighter, because otherwise you'd get beat up on a weekly basis trying to tell guys to stop creeping on your girl all the time.

Anonymous's picture

Tell me "oh wise one Chase," what if this girl is in a relationship but meets me and we hit it off pretty quickly. One thing leads to another and two weeks later we're up for a long night between the sheets. Before we had sex she said she wanted to cure her curiosity and go all the way, but then after that she wants to be friends. I tell her that since her boyfriend cheated on her that maybe she should give things up with him and not necessarily get with me right after but give herself time to find out what she wants. Of course I say that I'll be there if she decides to give things with me a try.

The bad part is that she has lunch with me the next day and tells me that she wants things to go back the way they used to be with her boyfriend. She said he was coming to see her that night and she would explain to him that she wants things to be better like they used to be. I'm a little upset because now she is deciding to stay in a relationship where both parties have cheated. I don't understand how she can just move on so quickly from me when she told me (and still tells me) that she misses me and wants to be with me but can't since she's in a relationship. I'm so very confused. Should I act on this and try to stay her friend for the possibility of being with her someday or should I let the ship sail and be on my way?

Graham's picture

Hi Chase!

I have a girl that has been in a relationship for 8 years and has fallen in love with me and has told me several times she has lost the chemistry with her current boyfriend, and is not happy.

Problem is that she is not making the move to end the relationship, so im guessing its because of security, safety and because its comfortable?
She constantly teases me about having to go to work for example "Someone has to work today doo dah doo dah, someone has to work today doo dah doo dah :P".

I feel this is something strong here just dont know how to progress further with this and im not very good at typing exactly wat i mean :P.

Wish i could speak about insted


victor's picture

as tough as it is for me, i got to admit i think i might be wasting my time on going out on dates with girls who has boyfriends after reading this article, it make sense too actually, that's why i think i'm going to cancel my dates with the girls who has boyfriend......but what the fuck man, ALL of my female friends are literally either:
(1) married
(3)in a relationship
(4)geographically impractical o date

*sigh*.......fuck my life man.....i've been way too focused on my studies for too long and now by the time i'm done with it, all the girls are taken.......single ladies, where are u all at !! :(

matt lee's picture

Hey Victor

I just want to encourage ya and remind ya their loads of fucking single ladies everywhere .. and the #1 reason people think their is not is lets be honest ya not implementing new actions in your life to expose ya manly sexy fucking body to these ladies ... Look if ya stuck for meeting single ladies start with TINDER ... just do things that you don't normally do ... if you find it hard to step out and do something different then it's a confidence, self esteem mindset issue ..

Hope ya have a great christmas dood and i'm here to remind ya their loads of fucking single hot women out there : )

Paul C's picture

Hi Chase,

I've kind of liked this girl (acquaintance) for quite sometime but I wasn’t emotionally available back then. After seeing her again at a party 10 days ago, I started sending her messages through a social network while hiding my true identity. She'd dropped hints that she was in a relationship that seemed to be going nowhere, thus giving myself some motivation to really step in. I thought I must have done quite a remarkable job at getting her attention. I kind of used some old tricks up my sleeve which led her to fly to my city and find reason to meet me in person, so I thought. When we met, she was kinda excited to find out it was me and not some friend of hers playing pranks.

I thought it was my idea that we'd agreed to keep this a secret. She'd hang out, call me and go wherever we planned to. I stole kisses though she'd warned me not to, until she got comfortable somehow. She'd let me hold and touch her, kiss her hand and such.

She works in a different city from where I am but stays with her boyfriend when she’s around. It turns out I am in the same city where her bf is. Her work requires her to travel mostly... I saw her itinerary. From the time she was here and flew back, as our jobs didn't require much of our time, we'd spent most of the time together.

The thing is, and I thought I would just do later, I never got to ask how long she was in the relationship, how the relationship with her boyfriend had been and such now that I was in the picture. All I knew they were not seeing eye to eye on most things.

She admits she likes me, cares for me and is happy with me but she is in a committed relationship. During a pour-out discussion on our feelings, she said she didn't know how things between us would work out 'cause she had a bf. She's happy with me but we're supposed to be just friends and friends don't kiss.

"You know I'm already committed," she said. "would you want me commit to you too?"
I told her, "If you search your feelings and find me there, you weigh it in. And you would know if you want me in your life.. Then commitment follows."

I thought everything was fine even when she flew back. I drove her to the airport both of us in high spirits. She will be coming back in a few days as she will be spending the holidays here and I am supposed to pick her up at the airport and proceed with our discussed holiday plans.

This all happened in 10 days. I know, I don’t want this to happen to me too if I were the boyfriend… but

1. Is she really into me or is it just because I’m leading her on?
2. Is she in part now using me as to fill the void in their relationship?
3. Is it true as many people would say she's just manipulating me?
4. Should I continue going out with her getting to know her more while knowing she would just simply go home to her boyfriend?
5. If she's not playing, would it be proper if as early as now I'd ask if she’d be willing to take it further with me?
6. Or would I go telling her how much she means and give her space?

After some people have pointed out that she might be playing, to break our communication for a while, I texted her early yesterday giving an excuse to "help a lady friend out who's in trouble". Not heard from her since. I'm kinda skeptic now to see her again.

7. Should I stop communicating with her totally?
8. If she really is playing me.. is there a subtle way to let her learn something out of this?
9. I'm willing to be her f***buddy if she's messing around, as she's an awesome 8!

Please help me, I'm confused...

Simon Cornwall's picture

I’m recently separated and have been seeing this girl on and off for two weeks. She has a boyfriend. I fetched her from the airport the other night, she said she missed me, and she hugged and kissed me on the cheek. While together, we were as per usual giggling, laughing and teasing.

I didn’t know how we got into discussing this but she asked me what I wanted out of what we had: did I want myself to be her “other" boyfriend, or did I want her to be my mistress. She said she’s not comfortable thinking that people might get hurt. She said she might need time to think where I stand.

But the fun and teasing continued after that. I’d normally kiss her lips before dropping her off and she would normally text me not to do that again, but it still happens every time anyway. That night we kissed with her eyes closed, longer and passionately, then bade goodbye.
I did not contact her since then thinking she needed space. It’s been two days that I haven’t heard from her.

I know this is messed up but please advise.

Daman's picture

Ok reading all these comments about hitting on someone elses gf or not, im sure im bound to recieve a lot of backlash on this... but hey idgaf. Went to a bar one morning being my normal drunken self, not looking to hit on anyone but met this absolutely gorgeous bartender. I noticed her but i definitely crossed her off my list as "side-track" attraction and paid no attention to her. Instead i was busy having a great time with the other guys at the bar... little did i know this bartender(whos recently engaged btw) somehow considers this to be very attractive and decides to hit on me, take care of me and pay a lot more attention to me than others. I noticed it and decided to finally pay her some of my attention. In less than 5 minutes of chatting we had a really strong connection and I could feel we were both very comfortable around each other. That automatically set the stone. Now i find myself hooked onto her emotionally, physically, and mentally. Ive tried staying away but man... the feeling just wont disappear. If you guys got any tips or helps to score on this one would be great... I dont mind being the short term fling, then friend or her back up relationship potential, but one thing i do know is I certainly cant just be friends with her with sexual tension hanging around in the air like a balloon.

So bring those tips on guys! and the rest that want to hate...dont waste your breathe i really dont give two shits about your opinion

P.S: Great article btw chase let the whiners whine. I support your ethics, morals and the way you've reviewed this article. I find it spotless

Jake's picture

It's a messy situation! I got the same thing going on. I feel like a bad person. But maybe she's the one for me right? Maybe this girls the one for you? I think everything just falls into place like this.

Teri's picture

I've been reading about men who steal women as an interesting concept. And this site has intrigued me and came across a little mysoginistic in the comments. There is no women's view, so even though this thread is dead I am adding some much needed Imput.
I could say that I was "stolen". But in reality it was due to my 4 year relationship going no where. And I'm not just talking about marriage, I don't believe in marriage, I won't do it.
I have many guys after me and I am very good at deflecting when I am in a loving relationship where I am appreciated. I don't even find other guys attractive at the time (I can admire a celebrity obviously, they are unattainable).
I allowed myself to get "stolen" by this guy because he is intelligent and emotionally smart and available when my bf was not and has his life together (no drugs, drinking, ect)
My ex was needy (I felt like he expected me to be like a mother to him, to go everywhere with him, find him things when he was lazy ect), couldn't stop partying on weekends and having lots of people over all the time. He would get really drunk, sleep till 4 pm the next day and waste a weekend. He couldn't grow up. I constantly felt annoyed and drained. Yeah he has his own house, vehicle, money, very attractive, had benefits (dental ect) and I threw that all away because he was stunting my personal growth (we are also 30 years old). I was stuck in a frat house with my own goals and ambitions not being supported or valued (I'm going to college again).
When I would try talk to him about it he would say I was crazy or was being too emotional... Which is ridiculous because I'm not and that made me feel devalued and unappreciated. He took me for granted and even told me I couldn't survive on my own.
When the other guy came along I was already subconsciously checking out of my relationship but had not acknowledge it yet. I would have still said no to the guy because I have high morals and standards but this guy was smart, or shy. He asked to borrow my phone and put in his number. He was lucky though because I also had this crazy crush on him I've never felt in a long time, he was somehow irresistible. I couldn't help myself.
The moral of this situation is that I left my bf who gave me almost everything ( financial security) for someone with an unforseeable future. That says volumes right there on what is more important to women (or me). I will give up everything in order to be emotionally happy. Sadly my ex still thinks he did nothing wrong and that I'm just being ridiculous and difficult. I try and explain things to him but he just doesn't get it. He believes he's gods gift to women cause he has all the stuff. So guys, if your girl leaves you for another guy check your emotional IQ. It's probably lacking or you were treating her like she could never leave you. Because she can.
Don't think emotional IQ means being needy, letting her go everywhere with you, over complementing ect. Women need a little bit of a chase too. I like a man whose life is important to him, where he has his own haha.
Where he doesn't make me sacrifice mine to make him happy. A partnership, not a relationship. I do not want to be the center of someone's universe, just an important galaxy. No jealousy or demanding/overbearing attitudes. You don't own me. And I don't own you, dont tell me what i can or cannot do or say. And also, don't let things get boring... like sex. And don't forget to keep flirting with your woman even 4 years down the road, the sex will be better and both of you will still feel attractive and appreciated.

GuccizBud's picture

Fcuk her 3 times, and don't not fcuk her 7 times.

GuccizBud's picture

1. Don't forget push-pull, or ying-yang, or whatever you want to call it. The harder you try, the more she'll pull away.

2. Confidence is king, now and forever, amen. This is the only principle that may weigh more than the previous one if you had to pick only one (for some reason).

3. Um, th- that's all :)

Jake's picture

I'm actually doing this right now. I never intended to. Basically I used all these tactics without knowing what I was doing. I got her to like me using this style in what... 2 weeks or so. I feel super bad. But I know I will be better for her then her current BF.

Jimbo's picture

I wonder what the morally outraged folks here would think of this -- an article about how to deliberately manipulate a guy to leave his girlfriend for another girl:

This one with its 'not going after girls that are a mess emotionally' or 'those who love their boyfriends' pale sounds so virtuous in comparison.

Guiseppe's picture

So I asked out a girl I used to like. I went to college and so nothing was going to work out. Now, she's dating someone else and I came back home. She accepted my invitation, but hours later she told me that her friend (whom she saw the night before) was also in town and if it was ok if she come with us and obviously I said that there was no problem. They got there, we had a good time despite the short silent moments (I had not seen them in more than 2 years). At first she was a little nervous, but then things got more smooth and During dinner none of them mentioned the girl's boyfriend, as if he didn't exist. At the end I paid for the meal, we said bye and I texted her later that night to tell her that I hope that they had a good time and she was very grateful with me. Now what? Mixed signs or was she straightforward?

BryanX's picture

Chase, you are right, but somewhat insensitive to Annus and his inner fight to proclaim himself a good man. There are a lot of wounded men - some girls leave a trail of broken hearts behind them. Some men leave a trail of broken women behind them. We've all been mop up boy.
You are suggesting that men be mess makers and also insensitive mop up men who leave no woman unattended to sexually. Leaving a trail of used women behind is what I read into this. Dog eat Dog. Fair enough. Your callousness suggests you too are still hurting, deep inside.
The best way not to get hurt, is to stay away from women, not jump back into the fire. Easier said then done. The best way to get laid is to have no morals.

The truth is that girls do whatever they want to do and always will. You're not really the mastermind - they are.

Why do they cheat on their boyfriends and husbands? Because they get comfortable with having a man providing for them their basic needs, but they get bored or greedy and want whatever they don't have. Cheating excites them, especially if they want to hurt you and add drama to the relationship (girls do love their drama).
Many girls are insecure with themselves, want all the attention they can grab - because being faithful obviously gets boring over time.
Men who want faithful girlfriends don't want you and everyone else acting like sex predators especially after you taught them how. Annus is trying to say exactly that. Yes, he needs a stamp for the forehead of his girlfriends that says 'This is my property". Don't we all? That's why you give them a big ring - so that a man can see they are taken from 20 paces. Even that doesn't work, does it? Women do whatever they want to do - usually the opposite of what you prescribe to them in marriage or relationships. It's out of our control as men, though they like to make us seem in control. Your not.
I've been with married women, women with boyfriends, women who pretend they don't have boyfriends, girls who left their boyfriends to be with me, and women who've cheated on me. None of them were worth pursuing too far down the line... however sexually, it should be noted that a girl who cheats, gets really excited by the act of cheating (they're being greedy and grabbing up anyone - which is, of course exciting, if unfaithful and lacking in morality. Being the moral compass for any of these women is useless. You can't control anybody, and if you try it will surely backfire.
Which brings me back to why men believe a woman should be faithful. Because that's what they learned in Sunday School and Disneyland. Women learned this too, so that's what they expect from you (the man). The man should be faithful to her because she's so special (she thinks). As for her, well, she's so special, and cute - if she cheats she'll come up with some excuse to recluse herself from guilt. You're trying to do the same thing and boomerang it back at Annus, as though it was his fault. It's not his fault that he got cheated on... It happens to the best of all men, and his point is that it can be devastating.
All girls have as many men as they can entice in their social existence. They all have boyfriends, guy friends, exes, husbands or some fool in the background taking care of some need of theirs. You are next in the line up. When it's your turn, you have to realize when you stick your hand in the fire, you are going to get burned. They always have guys in their roster - even when they act alone and single. There will always men lurking in the shadows trying to get to yours.
Sunday school and Disneyland is hocus pocus if you believe in that sort of thing.
Cheating women are fun to have sex with, but horrible for any other sort of relationship. Annus is just trying to project the pain that cheating women will put you through.
You'll never be hurt by a divorce, if you never get married.
You, Chase... seem like a men hell bent on getting revenge on women. Who can blame you? I think Annus is trying to blame you for adding fuel to the fire and adding to the misdeeds of women, and you're trying to blame him for being Dudley do right.
Neither one of you has healed.

Alessandro's picture

Great article, Chase.
In it you say that there are women who are in love with their boyfriends and still can have sex with other men.
Isn't it contradicting the other article where you say that, as long as a woman truly loves you, there's no risk for her to cheat?
Maybe you mean "love without that original spark" (probably her guy has lost alpha traits, so she cares about him but doesn't "true-love" him and can cheat on him).

Second point. I met a very beautiful blond girl on FB. She seemed very interested in me but, at some point, because her ex boyfriend got her back, she removed me from friends, saying that our conversation was not correct for her relationship. Some days later, she added me again, telling me that, at the end, there was no problem in being friends. I don't take women's words too seriously (I look at facts), and facts show that she still needs to chat with me (she writes me messages and often says we should meet). On the other side, the rule is that I can't contact her, because her jealous boyfriend could notice my messages. She insists that we are doing nothing wrong, but there's no reason why a woman should desire a simple friendship with a perfect stranger (I'm not giving her emotional support, but she doesn't seem a teaser either). I have many women around even though my social circle is weak (I am considered handsome, charming and ambitious - I have many interests [medicine, guitar, writing...]), but I like this girl because, under the surface, she seems a genuine, honest and balanced woman (she's a lawyer, and, even though she is amazingly beautiful, she doesn't have the time to spend 70 hours a week nightclubbing). I'd like to give her a chance and my idea is that she likes me - if she is a lost battle, no problem, by the way. What do you think?


Jimbo's picture

Not Chase, but in my experience the "maybe" girl that's taken and may be interested in you mostly likely in friendship but perhaps not.. is a waste of time. At least it has been for me. You can keep her as a contact but so as long as she's in a relationship or so long as you're not willing to make a clear move now you're wasting your time and missing out on other girls. If you want to ask her out or get sexual with her go ahead. Other than that forget about her, at least until she's single again. Good luck

Alessandro's picture

I agree with you, Jimbo: it's a waste of time, because, at least in Italy, girls don't have the courage to leave their boyfriends, even when passion and interest are low. As the friend zone is concerned, I don't think she has put me there, if you consider it a place of no return: she seems intrigued, and there's no reason for a busy and beautiful girl to spend precious time with a guy met on the internet and by whom she is not attracted. Also, she has invited me to meet in the flesh and has never used me as an emotional supporter. In my experience, true friend zone doesn't depend very much on your actions, but more on your overall attractiveness. If I contact her now, I give her too much importance (since she has asked me not to send messages because her boyfriend could notice them); on the other hand, this kind of girl often requires you to do all the moves because she doesn't want to feel responsible. The only thing I can do is inviting her out when I hear from her. Luckily, I like her very much, but I am not needy (when you are 33, you learn not to invest so much in girls that have never been and will never be your gf).

Jack's picture

I had gone through a breakup and there was this girl who although I knew from before but we really became friends after my breakup. She had helped me go through the mourning phase. She told me that she used to like me when I was with my ex, but didn't try then. I told her that I am still trying to move on and don't want to take ant decision hastily. I like to know people better before getting serious. So after a few days, she tells me that she asked a guy out and they started enjoying each other. Thet were really moving fast, so I told her that she should keep it slow. None the less, the guy proposed her for a relationship and she said yes. Thay had hardly met for 15 days before this. Two months passed by in their relationships and they had constant fights. She told me about her fights and even told me that she was thinking of breaking up. Even her friends were suggesting her this.
I told her to wait for a few days. And she and I planned out a trip to a hill station. Just the two of us, since we were fed up of college. Her boyfriend knew me being her friend, so he didn't mind. But I could see him getting jealous as the trip started getting closer. And he started treating her much better and they started spending more good time.
Anyway, we went for the trip and it was romantic. And being close 24 hours a day for 4 days, i started developing feelings for her. I started seeing her in a different light. And almost at the end of the trip, I held her hands and told her that I think I have started having feelings for you. She quickly pushed my hand away and was clearly annoyed. She didn't say anything though and we continued normally. The couple of days before our trip when her boyfriend started giving her a lot of attention, she really started to like him and her faith restored in their relationship. So clearly, she wasn't interested in me anymore or even if she was, didn't want to make it awkward for her boyfriend and her. Anyway, we came back to college all good, but ever since that it has become clearly awkward. Our friends have started linking us up after coming to know that we went out for a trip alone. I am much more popular than her boyfriend, so many people still think that she is single and so they have started talking about us which clearly would be awkward for her. She has started ignoring me and just keeps the conversation to the point and doesn't really want to meet me. It clearly has changed after the trip. I think I even saw her and her boyfriend having a serious conversation yesterday.
I don't know what to do. I might have made a mistake by expressing my feelings, but I guess I do like her. She is a beautiful person and I know we are very compatible. Please help me out with what future steps I should take? The fact that she has started ignoring me is definitely increasing her attraction more and making me want her even more.

Matt S.'s picture

Hi Chase,

I know its been a few years since this was posted but this article was really helpful for me. I've been seeing a girl who has been in a relationship for 6 years for about a month now (they live together and have dogs and everything, not engaged or married though). I know she's sincerely in to me. We've spent several long nights talking and kissing and fooling around, even went all the way one night when we were drunk. We constantly text and she seems to be interest in more than just a hookup. Last night she told me that "im the first guy in 6 years that's even peaked her interest" along with a bunch of other wonderful compliments. She told me she wants to hang out more and get to know me better. The problem I'm facing is that I have no idea where she is at in her relationship. I know they've had trouble in the past, but I don't know if she plans to stay with him or not. I'm supposed to see her again tomorrow.... My question is: should I ask her where she's at in her relationship? Should I ask her what she wants with me? Or do I just go with the flow and let things play out how they will? It's tough navigate this situation when I feel so in the dark about if she plans to stay with him or not... do I may it clear that I won't be waiting around forever?

Majin's picture

Since this topic is 7 years old, I might not get a reply from it.... but I would LOVE if someone, especially the author, could answer that.


Let's pick this example:


You: Come with me, let's steal away into the night.

Her: I can't... I have a boyfriend.

You: It's okay, he'll never know.

Her: But *I'll* know.

You: So will I. We can share it together as a secret.

Her: [laughs] No!

You: I don't think you'd be laughing if you weren't interested.

Her: I'm laughing because this is ridiculous.

You: You're laughing because you're too excited to contain your laughter. Now let's go.

Her: [laughs] I am not going anywhere!

You: We'll go for five minutes and then you can leave if you want to.



This, together with the whole post, suggests to me that women are COMPLETELY VOID OF AGENCY when it comes to their feelings. It actually sounds like all women are "monkey see, monkey do", and if they feel like cheating (and know they won't get caught), they will, 100% of the time.

Now let's use the example above. I totally agree with all the talk about women being moved by feelings, that she'll want to cheat if her boyfriend is not giving her enough [insert what's missing here].... but is there something BEYOND a woman's feelings that is able to stop her from cheating, morally speaking? If she feels like it and believes she won't get caught, is she capable of resisting by sheer morality?

Let's change the example to explain:

Her: [Is having some mild troubles with her boyfriend, so things are not so sweet at the moment]

You: Come with me, let's steal away into the night.

Her: I can't... I have a boyfriend.

You: It's okay, he'll never know.

Her: But *I'll* know.

You: So will I. We can share it together as a secret.

Her: [laughs] No!

You: I don't think you'd be laughing if you weren't interested.

Her: I'm laughing because this is ridiculous.

You: You're laughing because you're too excited to contain your laughter. Now let's go.

Her: [laughs] I am not going anywhere!

You: We'll go for five minutes and then you can leave if you want to.

Her: [Obviously attracted to the guy] No! Really, I'm sorry, but no.

You: You sure, girl?

Her: [laughs nervously] Yes, I'm sure.

You: Can I have your number then?

Her: [hesitates for 1 second] No. I really gotta go. Bye! [Smiles and walks out trying to disguise the obvious attraction she's feeling]

Her: [Comes home and talks to her boyfriend that their relationship is not great right now and they need to do X and Y to fix it; doesn't tell about the flirting thing but uses it as a motivation since she believes she wouldn't have gotten excited with the stranger if her relationship was great in the first place]


Is it even possible to happen, even with a minority of women? Or are all women really unable to act against their momentary feelings, much like monkeys? I know I, as a man, would definitely be capable of doing that, and if I chose to cheat on her, it would be indeed a choice.... not an unavoidable impulse for which I have no control of, since I, as a man, do have agency (even though I could still chose to give in).

Chase Amante's picture


This was a great question!

It inspired a long article:

Do Women Lack Agency?

If you'd just like to get to the point, skim down to subhead #3: "Are Women Easily Led?"


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