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Ever
see a really beautiful woman that you’d love to meet, walking down the
sidewalk… she looks like your ideal,
and maybe you even imagine how well the two of you would probably hit
it off together, and the laughter and smiles and romance and adventures
you might share in an unwritten future… and then you just let her walk by, past you without a
word, off into the sunset and into being no more than a memory to you,
never to know what might have been?
There is an old adage in the seduction community that goes, “It’s better to be rejected than live with regret.”
Yet so many men invent what they might not even identify as excuses for saving their feelings and remaining in a state of inaction… and fear. Today I’m going to put a magnifying glass on these weak excuses and why you should throw them out the window to make substantial changes in your life.
Comments
Excuse
Colt,
Impressive piece. Made me think and more importantly, feel.
Another Common Excuse Men Typically Use
Colt,
First I'd like to say you're spot on with this list, and your professor's words were very profound. My high school golf coach used to preach something similar.
If I may, I'd like to add just one more excuse to your list; one which I used to use ALL the time, back before I began actively improving myself; and many others still use it today...
10. Sticking with the group/your friends
I've been in college/grad school now for 6+ yrs. All of those years I've lived in small college towns; the towns where seemingly EVERYONE goes out at night in groups, myself included. As human beings, we are hardwired to stick with the pack to give us the best chance of survival. This tendency in our brain causes us to naturally choose to remain with the group when given the choice between lingering around with the pack or approaching that beautiful girl at the bar.
In my opinion, there are also a few other reasons we tend to stay with the group with whom we've gone out:
(1) Comfortability Factor - simply put, we are comfortable being around our friends. We're not being rejected; we're not being judged; our pride's not at stake. It's what we know, and it's human nature to stick to what we know. We don't have to put on any facades or do any tough mental work like we would have to if we approached that girl. It's less taxing - lazy really - so it seems like an easy option.
(2) More Fun - being with your friends probably is more fun, yes, but sometimes you have to set aside doing what you always do (hang out with them), and go approach. You'll have plenty more opportunities to go out with them, but this is likely your ONLY chance to approach that girl.
Furthermore, in my experience, unless you're clubbing in VIP lounges in Vegas every night (not likely), casual nights out with friends typically lack substance and don't have much "memory making" potential. Rather, they tend to be drunk escapades, followed by a hangover the next day...
(3) Avoiding Embarrassment - our brains are constantly looking out for us. Nobody wants to be embarrassed in front of all his friends when he gets rejected. But here's what I've learned: if you're friends laugh at/joke about/get joy from you getting rejected, you should reconsider who your friends are...
To wrap up, these days, if I'm out with my friends, I don't ever feel bound or obligated to stay with them. If I see a cute girl, I'm going to talk to her. That's it. And when they come to me and try to get me to go to the next bar with them, I casually tell them, "We'll meet up with ya'll later. I'm having a great conversation with Kristin right now." They go on their way, and as wild as it sounds, I'm still alive!
Addition
Ryan,
Those additions are spot on. It's easy to get caught up in the sense of comfort created by a familiar group of friends. It sounds like you're making the exact right response, though. Your friends should understand that you're out to spice things up and meet a potentially great girl. These days I tell my friends that if I disappear and don't actively try to *find them* they can shoot me a text just to make sure I'm not in a ditch or something, but should assume that I'm actively trying to meet women. I only make exceptions when I'm out for a specific event, e.g. a close friend's birthday. Then I'll happily stay with the group.
And people always seem to be shocked when there is a normal guy out by himself. They know that they are much too insecure to even consider such a thing, so that can up your value exponentially if you take advantage of it.
Sounds like you understand the importance of the people you surround yourself with, and you're not letting your potential get held back. Great to hear it! Best of luck.
Cheers,
Colt
Thank you
This really resonates with me. I have these kinds of feelings regularly. I'm 27 and I've recently lost 90 lbs. All of a sudden women are smiling at me. It was easier to write them off when I was fat. Now that so many women are showing interest, I'm having to deal with the urge to approach again. I can't tell you how many girls I've written off for exactly these reasons. "She's high maintenance." "She looks mean." I can think of two girls within the last week that fell under those two categories.
Meanwhile, I'm torturing myself dating women who just come into my life that aren't necessarily what I would choose to date if I was choosing from a wider pool.
Anyway I've really enjoyed all of your posts so far. They make a whole lot more sense to me than some of the others.
Finding a Good Woman
Anon,
I appreciate the kind words. Congratulations on the weight loss and recognizing the changes to be made in your life. I've been there, dating women just because you hit it off and they are right there, but aren't the women you truly want to be with.
Maybe I'll include this in a future post, but I think that finding a new apartment/house is the perfect analogy for finding a girl who is right for you. When you first start off, you don't really know what you're doing, and don't exactly know what to look for. All you can base it off of is other people's experiences and what you think you want. You may end up in the first place you can afford for a while and then realize that you're unhappy. Then you hit the search again and try to overcome how time-consuming and draining the process can be. You look at dozens of places, try avoid being swindled, see some with potential but still nothing you're *truly* excited about, then see some that you are excited about, only to get rejected after the application process. Maybe you end up finding a place that's a good fit, but only for a year or two.
Then one day...after the weeks, months, and even years of searching, and interviews, and frustration, and sub-par places...you find it. The right price, the right feel, the right size. Something you can invest in for years to come....you find home.
Finding a good woman is just like that. It's incredibly difficult. But when you find it, you know that all the work was worth it.
All the best,
Colt
Grt article
Mhm, wow. excellent article here, Colt. Would really love to see your presence down at the forum :)
Awesome post. Pretty funny
Awesome post. Pretty funny too, Colt! A lot of the time, when I see a girl I'm interested in, I use just about every excuse you listed. Then I pull out my phone and watch a cat video or two, and don't feel bad at all. She looked sorta like she would have been a bitch anyway.
I need rejection. Racking up rejections to get me past this point of AA should be my goal for now. I'm going to make my way to 50 rejections just so I can get past this point. Though I'll still try my absolute best approaching.
I'm glad to see articles targeted at people like me. Anyway, great article, Colt. Thanks!
Rejection life
A good way to go about this goal Humpert is to specifically go out to get rejected and literally see how many times you can get rejected. Its makes A.A. a lot easier as opposed to trying to make sure she doesn't reject you, which will also make you act more conservative. Make a goal when you go out to get rejected by x amount of girls and it may very well help your approach anxiety since it's a very achievable goal. This also will help you have more social freedom and if you think about it if you go out to get rejected and end up getting into a conversation with a girl who likes you well you just can't fail homie! Good luck!
Rejections
Humpert and Richhomie,
I wouldn't say go out *to get rejected*. But I would say going out, using the skills that you have and try to pick up women. And in doing so, understand the high likelihood of rejection. It's a slight difference in mindset, but it's an important one.
If you want to hit the bull's eye, but tell yourself "I'm gonna hit the wall!" then you're defeating the purpose of the activity. But if you aim for the bull's eye and tell yourself "I may hit the wall, or somewhere outside the bull's eye" then you accept failure, but know that your eyes are on the target.
It's all about doing the best to your abilities, but fully accepting the probability of failure, and then steadily improving. Get after it.
All the best,
Colt
Hey guys, thanks to both of
Hey guys, thanks to both of you for the response.
I always thought it was kind of counterproductive to go out TRYING to get rejected--I won't be walking up and saying the worst, laziest thing I can think of. However, this post makes me think how badly I need rejections, I need to get them up to 50 so I can start approaching without so much fear. Going out with the mentality that I need 50 rejections for this reason seems to be helping me. My goal now is to get 50 rejections, but its just a shift in thinking--I will still be gaming the best I can. My top goal is to be so good with girls that I can go out and get to know anyone... So that I can find the girl I want. Find a keeper. And not just settle for what falls in my lap.
If theres something very wrong with this line of thinking... Let me know, please. But it seems right.
Putting rejection in perspective
Hi Colt
Good article - love the idea of writing down bad cases of AA and looking at them before an outing.
Looking at it now though, I think I've realised what's ultimately behind my approach anxiety:
Rejection simply makes me feel worse than not trying at all. And the more rejections I get, the worse I feel. This isn't something I've consciously considered before, but subconsciously it's been holding me back.
If I don't try at all, my sense of self worth pretty much stays in tact. I can just tell myself that if I HAD tried, I'd probably have been in with a good chance. I'm an attractive guy really, my only problem is I'm just not meeting enough girls.
If on the other hand I try and fail then my sense of self worth can't help but take a hit. The feeling of being judged 'not good enough' really knocks me, especially if it's by someone who, on paper, I feel I should have a shot with.
If I get rejected multiple times, it doesn't become any easier - it just compounds the feeling that I just don't have 'it.' One girl rejects me - hey, no big deal. Ten girls reject me, that can't be a coincidence. I simply can't be all that attractive.
I don't approach girls enough because I don't want to risk finding out that girls IN GENERAL don't like me.
I know yourself and Chase stress that it's not necessarily YOU as a person who gets rejected but rather your game/ the way you present yourself. The trouble is, on a gut level I just don't interpret it that way. The more rejections I get, the more I develop a niggling fear that I'll never be all that successful with women. And that's even if there are successes along the way too.
I do apologise for the negativity of that post - I realise it's a corrosive way of thinking. Hopefully I'm not being an 'emotional vampire' here but I could really do with some sense being talked into me!
Cheers
Conquering Fear
Anon,
No need to apologize at all! You're not being an emotional vampire. I've had that exact thought process myself. It's easy to deal with one rejection or two. But if you get rejected 9 or 10 times in a row...it *stings*. And it gets realllly hard to keep going. The self-doubt definitely starts to creep in, and you wonder if you really are the problem.
But here's a better way to think about it. Since I like using bball analogies, I'll use another one here. If you had shot a basketball maybe 10 or 15 times in your life, and someone handed you one and asked you to shoot 20 3-pointers, how many of those three pointers would you make? Maybe 1 or 2...*if you're lucky*.
But if after that experience, you shot 100 three pointers every day for a week or two, how many would you make if you had to redo the challenge? Not all of them, but *a lot more*. And more importantly...*you'd know what you're doing*. When you miss, you learn how to correct. Maybe your form is bad. Maybe you release too late. Maybe you shoot too strong. You intuitively pick up on these cues and perfect your technique to increase your percentage. It'll never be perfect, but it will be *more consistent*.
Approaching women is just like that. They rarely reject you for the same reason. Maybe your attainability was too low one time. Maybe you didn't banter enough before entering deep conversation the next. Maybe you talked about things that she didn't really care about on the third. Maybe you weren't sexual enough the fourth. That's why journals are so important in the beginning. If you can figure out *exactly* where you went wrong each time, you can correct and try to find consistency.
And think about your experiences like flipping a coin. If you flip a coin 10 times, could you get 10 heads in a row? Absolutely. If you flipped it 1000 times, would you get 1000 heads? Not a chance. You'd get roughly 500.
If you approached ten women, could you get rejected ten times? Absolutely. If you approached 100 women, would you get rejected 100 times? Not a chance. You would *at least* find a few, if not more. And if you continue to find your sticking points and figure out what you're looking for, your success rate will get higher and higher.
That's what we mean when we say it's not *you*. Because it's not you. It's the things you're doing. And the only way to figure out how to do them better is to collect data points and perfect your technique, just like with shooting.
So think about it that way. And if you can't do it for you -- believe in me, who believes in you.
Cheers,
Colt
Salesman
This is a well written post. Getting rid of time sinks are huge to improving.
Sell the TV, the computer/ cancel world of warcraft, etc. Now you're free to pursue.
Also. Picking up a sales position teaches the concept of prospecting, eliminating fear of rejection, and approach anxiety.
Oh and the job itself will hold you accountable, who wants to get fired?
Nice post
Thankfully I don't do any of these excuses and If I'm in the mood to approach I'll approach these days. I put this partly down to the job I have too which has kicked the AA out of me. I don't always get to the point where I close but then again I don't always feel the need to.
A couple of things. When you mention it just clicking. I think there's a time with anything learned where you just stop thinking about it and just do it. I've played the guitar for years and although I'm not the best I can by ear play a lot of things. I don't even think about the chords or where I'm putting my fingers I just know where to put them to alter the notes to what I want. I was recently having a discussion with a friend who's just started playing and I used that exact statement, one day it just clicks. I think that's where I am with actual approaching I've stopped worrying about what to talk about (In fact I know if I start to worry about that to just stop thinking and just go for it) I've complete trust in the fact I'll be ok :) A weird one not so long back was when I realised I was talking about lifts (elevators) to two (not so hideous) girls, a few months back. If I'd gone in thinking about what to talk about, that would've been the last on my list, yet all three of us were talking and laughing about being trapped in lifts etc...
Going back to Call of duty (and I admit I do like to play a few hours of computer games a week) your basketball analogy reminded me of the difference between a shotgun and a sniper rifle, when you start playing your better off with a shotgun approach when you first start out in anything, cast a wide net, seek out any and all opportunities, then over time reduce your scatter pattern, be more precise, pick out your target.
Another great article from the GC team, always glad to read the work on site. :)
Great piece. The excuse about
Great piece.
The excuse about not being in state, or dress code etc really hit me. Glad you wrote this.
he excuse about not being in
he excuse about not being in state, or dress code etc really hit me. Glad you wrote this.
"If you approached ten women,
"If you approached ten women, could you get rejected ten times? Absolutely. If you approached 100 women, would you get rejected 100 times? Not a chance. You would *at least* find a few, if not more." Nope, sorry - I've approached over 5,000 women over the past 10 years and been rejected by every single one - not one yes.
I've tried everything - dating coaches, wingmen/girls, books, etc. - and none of it works. The coaches have literally given up on me because they couldn't understand why every woman says no to me - they can't figure it oil. All I can come up with is that I'm just not attractive to any woman and that I'm doomed to be chronically single. It really sucks.
TRUTH
Its funny that women are always trying to shame men that ,"we watch porn and live in our mothers basements playing video games."Ok,lets say that is completely true....Well,thats better than dealing with American women who lead the world in abortion,obesity,single motherhood,divorce,personal debts and mental illness.
I am tired of women who wear mens crew cuts,5 pounds of make up,who demand to be wined and dined yet refuse to cook for men...Who collect cats and unruly dogs,are always absolutely flat broke even with masters degrees,"who are waiting for their ship to come in," which means rest on a mans wallet and labors as "strong and independent women."
I knew a woman who ran the wing of a hospital,who made mad money but was bankrupt.....who was in disbelief when her boyfriend left her because of her awful spending habits....she was angry that a man could leave an "educated woman."
Educated does not mean pretty,educated does not mean feminine....Nearly every woman I have met is not strong and is obese and is not indepdendant and horridly flat broke.
Social media,you-tube etc....has given the world a window into womens nature and materialistic,hpergamous ways....I remember as a young lad going to the bar with the son of a millionaire.He was grossly obese,missing a tooth,had a disfiguration on his head from falling down drunk,had a nasty smokers cough,was bald and had a drug problem...LOLOLOL
I was in shape,better looking,had a simple factory job,good credit and nice ride...and that wasn't good enough for American women....I watched women throw themselves at this man over and over again....
Nearly every man I know has been divorced,paying child support,losing his home car and children.....American women can sit around in their coffee klatch's all day long and talk about how strong,independant,beautiful etc...they are.I think American men have had enough.
American women lead the world in post pardum depressions,schizophrenia,clinical depression and bipolar disorder....I have amassed innumerable stories of literally mentally ill women doing the most insane sh#t its unbelievable.
Women think men will overlook all that is wrong with them because they bring sex to the table.Sex in times of aids,child support and no fault divorce is worthless.Men are finally starting to have standards!!! I think there is a good man drought,because GOOD MEN DO NOT DATE AMERICAN WOMEN ANY LONGER.
American women have gone so nutty,some of us as men feel our only option is complete celibacy...….While American women are parading as strong and independent women with vagina's on their heads in Washington with complete privilege over men in criminal and divorce courts,American men are asking ourselves,"What in the hell happened to American women.??
If American men were doing to women,what women are doing to men through the criminal and divorce court system....women would be refusing to date or marry also.I think America is finished,its women went nuts....A nation can rise no higher than the moral bar of its women....WHAT HAPPENED TO AMERICAN WOMEN?????
Femmicommies also ruined the boy scouts.....If women are so desirable in America and strong and independent,when the day comes men dress as man who$res and invade a womans comic book convention,as women invade the girl scouts and dress as who#es at male invented comicon,women will be equal to men at that point.HAHA LOL!!
Of course over-emotional women think they win the argument just because,"an argument makes women feel bad."Tears are not truth.MEN ARE FINALLY FED UP...….WE ARE MEN ,HEAR US ROAR.
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