GIRLS CHASE MONTHLY SUBSCRIPTION
• Unlimited access to GirlsChase.com
As I've involved myself more and more in the world of start up businesses, I'm finding myself increasingly involved in close relationships with dynamic, intelligent people who are accustomed to calling the shots... just like me. Inevitably, this leads to blow ups, power struggles, and all kinds of messy issues, very similar to the fighting in a relationship you see of the romantic variety.
I've been comparing a lot of what I've experienced here to the fighting I've gone through in my own romantic relationships and that I've witnessed in the relationships of friends, students, and others, and I've started teasing out some really interesting correlations.
What I'm realizing is that fighting in a relationship - everything from when women test men to a lot of the underlying rationale behind women and drama - arises out of a handful of required ingredients.
Comments
Your face
Hey Chase, quick question. On your SPELLBINDING preview page, there is a video and in that video is a person. Is that person you or is it someone else? Just wondering. Thanks
Re: Spellbinding
Hey Anon,
Yes - I'm the guy speaking in Spellbinding.
Chase
Screening
How can you screen a girl for being affectionate?
-Thank you
Ask her how what her bedroom
Ask her how what her bedroom looks like.
Chase, This seems to greatly
Chase,
This seems to greatly contrast what you have written in your articles "How to Deal with Angry Women" and "Women and Drama." I would like to point this out because 95% of the reason that I am on this website is that I recently lost a girl that I was falling in love with due to the fact that I did not know how to handle an accusation that she was making toward me. The pain I've gone through over the past several months of making the wrong choices and ultimately causing myself to lose her (possibly permanently) is something I do not want to have to ever go through again.
I know that I lost this girl due to "fear" because we were in the post-intimacy but pre-commitment stage... is it safe to say that it might be better to follow the guidelines given in "Women and Drama" and remain calm under all circumstances when she is not yet officially in a committed, exclusive relationship with you? I feel like escalating the fight before we were committed is what caused me to lose this girl. If you could clarify when you think it is important to remain calm and unreactive versus escalating a fight, I think that would help me (and others who were thinking the same thing when they read this article) immensely.
Thank you for your continued advice,
- Franco
Re: Escalation vs. Staying Unreactive
Hey Franco,
Good question here, and you're right - that's not properly addressed in the post. How do you differentiate between when to escalate and when to stay calm?
Escalation isn't something you want to overdo. If you do it too much, you become the guy who's overemotional and not in control. But if you don't ever escalate, a woman begins to believe she can't affect you emotionally and that you just don't care. A little escalation now and then actually benefits your relationship.
You're right that you don't want to escalate a fight with a girl early on. Because by escalating you signal to the girl that you care a lot about her emotionally, if you do this early on you're effectively telling her you're falling for her too quickly, which does a lot of bad things for you in an early relationship (the power balance shifts in her favor, causing her to lose respect and attraction for you as you seem like not such a strong guy).
Staying always calm and unreactive in an older relationship, however, can have the same effect as emotional escalation in a young one; the woman knows she's pestering you and wearing on you, and she knows your emotions - she knows if you're trying to stuff it down inside or if you legitimately don't care. If you legitimately don't care, than you shrug it off. If she's getting to you, though, you need to make it clear that that behavior is unacceptable. Otherwise, trying to silence your emotions when she's dumping a lot of bad feelings on you makes you look weak and as if you're afraid of challenging her back.
I'd basically set a quick guide to it like this:
When to Stay Calm
When to Call Out the Fight
When to Emotionally Escalate a Disagreement
Basically, you're looking at:
If it's young, stay calm always. If it's mature, figure out if she's causing drama out of helplessness (stay calm, take care of her emotions) or out of a desire to gain control over you in the relationship (put your foot down and make it clear where you stand).
That help?
Chase
This is certainly helpful and
This is certainly helpful and along the lines of the answer I thought you would post. Hearing it from you though does give me much more confidence that I understand what I need to do next time.
Thank you for taking the time to respond in a clear and detailed manner!
- Franco
P.S. I might even suggest adding your reply to the actual article!
Chase Need Advise!!
Chase,
So what do you do if you are dating a woman for 3 months and there is more added drama than usually. This happen to me the other night, where I got upset because the woman I was seeing decided to leave the bar early because she claimed to be tried (the reason for leaving was that she was upset for numerous things, insecurity, etc.) Also the main reason, why I was upset is that she purposefully is pulling back because she is scared to get hurt. She is creating a wall. The reason for the wall is because I am recently separated but married when I first meet her. The issue is that she is hot and cold. Just last week, she was moving fast acting like we were boyfriend and girlfriend. The reason why I know she is creating a wall is because she told me and does not want to get hurt. Also she does not want the reputation for dating a married man. The other added drama is that she recently broke up with her live in boyfriend a few weeks ago. He is making her feel really bad so she has to hide when we go out so his friends do not find out. She is worried they will judge her. She is moving out at the end of the month.
The next day, I tried to call/text her to apologize and no response. The next day because she was not returning my call, I visited her to tell her I was sorry but now she says she only thinks of me as a friend. The reason for breaking up was that I need someone who is more submissive and I try to control the situation all the time. While saying this she could not look at me in the eye. I think she thinks our relationship is bad but in the same time it is so strong with passion. I truly don't believe she wants only to be friends because we have a very strong connection and sexually attraction. I know our sexually attraction is what keeps the spark going because she randomly text message me that she cannot stop thinking about having sex with me. 3 days before our last fight, we had amazing sex for hours. Of course, I stop and restarted but the point is that our sexually passion is really high.
There is one thing that stuck in my mind and gave me hope, she mention two times that she might change her mind in a week. She also knows that I will not except being friends with her. She knows I will not hang out just as friends. She has lots of “Shopping Guy” who hangs out with her hoping one day they can be with her. She even admits it to me but she always says that she only thinks of them as friends. The reason why she liked me was that I intrigued her because she could not read me.
Chase, I have not called her or text her since our break up (4 days). Do I have chance in getting back together with her? Should I wait for her to call me? Please help, I really miss her!
Another key note, I meet her through my league sport and not from a bar. It took a couple of weeks to get her in the position to go out but the thing was that she mention me to her family and friends before I made a move. That created the intrigue!!!
P.S. Your advise is really on the money. The main reason how I attracted her was from your blogs. Guys need to stop and listen to woman because they will tell you why things work out. She told me on numberous occasions that she spoke with her girlfriends about me.
Hit closer home than expected...
Hey Chase, been lurking and getting a lot out of the posts on the site lately, and I've been impressed with this one among others.
Looking back on my relationships, I can definitely see where when I started dominant and kept control there was way less drama than when I acted weaker at the beginning. This also explains those times where life got me down at some point and I started acting way more compliant to what the girl wanted, and the relationship would then implode in drama and stress.
Most pickup guy's advice that I've heard focuses on expecting and winning these little matches, but I like the approach of stopping them from getting going in the first place. Anyway, good article, keep the quality content coming!
Hey Chase I have been a
Hey Chase
I have been a reader for the last few years, and I really owe a lot of my personal growth during that time to your insights.
I had issues controlling my anger growing up, and I've worked very hard to bury it to avoid over-escalating during heated moments. My father was extremely domineering during my youth, which has made me hyper-sensitive when people try to exert dominance over me. It has resulted in my not saying anything or ignoring slights (perceived or not) due to my poorly calibrated responses.
Nothing in life is easy I guess though, so I'll have to work on this just like everything else... I never try to start drama or pointless arguments because I have too much respect for myself and for others (in my view). I view it as something that less powerful people do, and find it tiring to deal with. I think of every concept you've discussed this is one that I'll have the hardest time coming to terms with.
I really enjoy reading the articles about relationship dynamics though, because I feel like I wasn't exposed to good ones growing up. Keep up the good work.
How's this work then?
So I'm the "broken" one and my husband is the dominant one. I always put him first and do what he wants with in reason; however, if I am asked to do something I just don't want to do, I'll say no. Once I say no he may act defied and be quiet and passive in responses or start a fight that leads to me being quiet and unresponsive. The less I respond the more he belittles me.
Recently, I've become fed up with him picking on me or bullying me as I see it so I've begun to pipe up. It causes him to be about at the same degree of fighting. He isn't less aggressive in it or more.
So what's the deal when the man is the dominant one, the woman is the broken one, and he bullies her about whenever she has something else she wants instead of his wish on occasion?
I thought your takeaway
I thought your takeaway advice here would be on how to be the clear dominant one in the relationship, and thus have less fights (and keep your woman's attraction piping hot). But instead you concentrated on how to deal with the neverending fights in a Relationship of Equals (maybe that's the most common kind of relations nowadays?) Wouldn't being the clear-cut alpha the better way?
Leave a Comment