Love at First Sight

Hey Chase!

I've been reading through some of your older articles and this one struck me as interesting.

Just like you I experience those 'love at first sight' moments and I find it hard to get a grasp on the subject. Best way I can describe them is as a ball of energy building up in your chest the moment you lock eyes with a girl. In my experience it's different from pure sexual lust/attraction, as I tend to feel lust with my entire body, like some sort of charged feeling or electricity. Love at first sight is more of a feeling of total connection, if that makes sense.

After thinking about the subject, like you, there's also some trends I can describe.

First thing that struck me is that I got those moments more and more as I got better with women, started appreciating them more and became more passionate. You really have to open yourself up to it. In fact I can say that I now get those moments pretty consistently.

Second trend I experienced is that I mainly get them with girls that are my 'type' (at least where I live, I'll get back to this in the next point). My type being girls that have masculine personalities, both the shy and the not-so-shy excited girls as you put it. So yeah, at least at home I'd say it's the confident girls that I have that connection with, other girls need more of a warming up, so to speak. Funny thing I'd like to add is that in the last years I've never gotten that specific feeling with women that are older (30+) or younger (-20) than me (I'm 23).

Thirdly, I noticed that I get these moments with more frequency and from a wider variety of girl types when I'm on vacation in a place where there's lots of people my age and there's more of a relaxed/sexy atmosphere. Now, just like at home I don't exclusively get these moments when I'm at bars or clubs though, I get them just as much in supermarkets or when I'm walking in the streets.

So after thinking a bit about it I think it's linked more to confidence, being open to it and the girl 'allowing herself to feel it' than to a 'oh she's/he's my type' thing.

Lastly, yeah, I also got this feeling when I first met my current girl and like my other seductions that involved that feeling it felt more, shall I say, 'natural'. Even a bit mystical, like something else takes over and wants to make sure both of you get together.

Anyways, I'm usually also not into that type of 'she's the one' stuff but it's a very interesting subject.

Thanks for touching on this! I've had the experience a handful of times. It makes me so nervous that I totally botch my opener, if I even dare to try. But as you say, that doesn't seem to matter too much in these cases. And yes, I think the shy-excited & innocent girl is the type I get this from. I suspect that most times you don't notice each other simultaneously. She's been eyeing you previously and you just haven't noticed it.

One of the few things I liked from John Gray's Mars & Venus books was his concept of receptive vs active interest. Basically, a girl exhibits receptive interest when she gives you compliance, in your terminology. You exhibit active interest when you use a direct opener, for example. My suspicion is that we're sensing receptive interest from the girl, via non-verbal communication (primarily by prolonged eye contact and probably some more subtle things like pupil dilation and god knows what else).

I also suspect that what Carl Jung termed 'projection' is taking place. When you say that there's a positive feedback loop, where both of you realize the attraction is mutual, that sounds like a two-way projection process. Actually, this may be even more like transference -- the wikipedia articles on both of these concepts are very interesting.

So I guess what I'm saying is that the girl has some latent capacity to be receptive, you waken that in her because you remind her in some small but critical way of someone who was close to her. She expresses her receptiveness subtly, you detect it because you are sensitive to subtle cues, and then you establish the silent understanding that the interest is mutual.

Feedback?

Hi Chase,

I can answer the love at first sight debacle. First off, I'm a woman who loves to study biology and human nature in an attempt to get an edge on the dating/mating game. I have a man that I've known for an extremely long time and I had no idea why but I was stuck on him and he seemed pretty stuck on me but the timing is never right for us. Attraction has several biological components to it: sexual imprinting, MHC compatibility and whether or not the person's facial proportions are the same at yours and your features mirror each other.

Sexual imprinting happens when you are a baby and you learn the characteristics of an attractive mate. The way that this is done is from looking at your parent of the opposite sex. Does the girl that you're stuck on have similar facial proportions or features to your mom? Behavior? It's kind of creepy but that's how biology goes down.

MHC compatibility is a little complicated to explain in layman's terms but it's what people mistake for pheromones. When selecting a mate, you want to be with someone who has a different immune system as you. This is why some girls smell amazing to you and others don't and you get turned off. You're turned off when the other person's immune system is too similar. Your motivation for attraction is to pick a mate so your offspring will have a diverse immune system and a better chance of surviving.

The last thing is that the person's face mirrors yours. Do you have similar noses or how far your eyes are spaced apart? It all has to do with facial proportions. You naturally want to see yourself in the mirror but really it's your partner's face. Put a picture of your face next to hers and see for yourself.

Those are the biological factors that attribute to love at first sight. I still have the snapshot in my head of the second I laid eyes on my guy and that was six or seven years ago.

I reached across the line to let you guys in on some information so I would really appreciate some advice in return. The problem that I'm having is the guy that I like is definitely using a pick up guide similar to this one or maybe it is this one. I know he's a bit insecure and nervous around me especially when we first hooked up, but I noticed his behavior is laid out exactly like your blog and it definitely works if you don't realize what's going on. I just went through auto-rejection with him when he ignored me.

My tip off was that he used active listening with me. I've done counseling before so I know exactly what it is and realized that he was editing his words. Tip: This is way too obvious when it's written out in some form of text. I slipped some unique words like ubiquitous into the convo to test him and he spit out exactly what I had said in written form and used the same word so it was obvious. Definitely use a thesaurus when implementing this one.

He lives in one of my favorite cities where I have a ton of friends so I am considering moving there if I could find a decent job. We decided to not do the LDR thing cause frankly it's dumb. We both love sex too much to put ourselves through that kind of torture. In the mean time, he is with a clingy filler girl and he's trying to make me jealous through FB so I'll chase him. The thing is I know what he's doing so naturally I'm going to ignore him for the next month. I have way too much pride to be needy enough to chase him. His behavior was making me emotionally exhausted. I feel like I have to be General fucking Patton trying to make my next move. The problem is that it all feels very disingenuous. I can't tell what's real and what isn't and I'm afraid that if we both stick to our guns that neither one of us will ever make a move. In theory I can one up him now since I know his every move but I don't necessarily want beat him. I just want to be with him and still be the respectable independent girl that I am. I don't know what to do with him. Any advice?

Hi I'm not really a believer in this until recently. Maybe I'm just a hopeless romantic at heart because I always thought maybe love at first sight was possible I just never experienced it personally. The way this went down was so strange and I have to preface this by saying I'm a decent nice guy, decent looking, do OK with women but never really had a relationship that I felt a soul attraction to the woman I was with. I actually was at a cookout when I was invited to go continue the fun at a buddy's house who was leaving. I had been talking to a girl and she was also going so we went together. I already knew this girl wasn't interested in me but she's cool so I figured id go. A bunch of us were hanging out having fun and me and said girl go to garage to grab a smoke. As we walk back into the house there is a girl there that wasn't there when we left. My eyes immediately caught hers and I had a "wow" type of moment with no sexual feeling to it yet I had to sit down because the feeling almost completely floored me. I think she felt something too. Unfortunately I didn't say because I was nervous I never felt anything quite like this before. We hung out once after this and it was eerie the similar interests and personalities but it was a group of people so again I didn't follow through. She went away for vacation and I didn't see her for probably 2 weeks but couldn't shake this feeling so being that she was my friend on fb I figured id ask her out through there against my better judgement. She took a day to get back to me but said what I said was really nice but she is seeing someone and we can definitely hangout as friends. Since then its been about 2 months and we hangout a good amount but always with others. I respect the fact she's in a relationship because I wouldn't want her playing me if the tables were turned. So the other day she kinda says her and her guy might be done. Later that week I went out with her friends but she was not there. I had a few drinks and told her friends I love her and its more than just lust because I've felt lust and its not. I'm also not a believer in horoscopes or that type of stuff but I did a compatibility test and it had us like 90% and said our signs are crazy compatible. When I read up more on this subject the accuracy of our match , my personality and hers, it was almost uncanny It just furthered my belief that whatever I felt initially had to be expressed because I couldn't go on without her knowing my feelings. Still thinking I'm crazy I figured if make a list of what I.like about this girl. As I typed the first letter a whole poem flowed out. I've never written anything to anyone, never read poetry, definitely never wrote a poem, it just kinda flowed out like this girl awakened something creatively inside me just by being. Again in another questionable move I just sent her the poem. Its been 2 days I've heard nothing. Can't eat. Can't sleep. I don't think she feels the same but she didn't internet block me so I don't think she thinks I'm nuts. If she says no chance I'll be totally heartbroken but I know I'm a great guy I'll be OK. I just had to share my experience. Don't know if this will ever happen to me again but it is real and it does happen and its the most wonderful unexplainable feeling. I just want her to be happy whether its with me or not, but I think she's my soul mate so I hope she picks me. Thank you for listening.

Hi Chase I had a question. I am in high school and for the first time I have met someone who really interests me. Though I have only talked to her briefly I feel immensely attracted to her. However early on in the year she had stated that she was not interested in a relationship. Just recently I finally received her number and proceeded to have a nice conversation with her and though I am happy to be friends with her it is not what I want. I feel like with enough time the friendship could develop into something more but I have no idea how to initiate it.

This wonderful phenomenon has only happened once to me. I was that guy who would steal a girl away from some guy to drag her along for a week and a half only to leave her by the curb. I was not a happy person. She was the female equivalent of me. She introduced herself to me and I was immediately stunned, attracted, and intimidated by her. Which is strange because she wasn't doing anything except making small talk. Turned out I was afraid because of love at first sight and the fact that her tactic was making herself an easy target. I saw it a mile and a half away but I couldn't not take the bait. Long story short, we are soon to be wed now. Neither one of us expected to be here.

Interesting article chase.

I passed up an opportunity with a girl like this and honestly regret it more than anything I've done in life. I will never ever let that happen again.

Never experienced more pain after the fact but this article describes it very well.

I don't live near the girl but when I go back home I'm going to try to set up a meet with her and go for it. Chances are she gave up on me and wants nothing to do with me for not manning up and doing what I should have done, but in a spot like this you just have to at least give it another try (without totally chasing)

I have this feeling, right now, with a guy. We work together - not in the same office, our companies are working together. We got assigned to a project. I went off to my first (and sadly, only) meeting with him, not knowing anything about him.

It was amazing, incredible. I felt like I'd been hit by a bus. He was mind blowingly gorgeous. He was just my type (I like my guys boyish and caucasian-asian). We connected instantly and were practically doing mental high fives. It was a work meeting, but we just had loads of fun. I was making him laugh, genuinely, a lot (when I gel with a guy, my humorous side shines though - normally I'm a bit shy). There was also a lot of sexual tension. A few times we made eye contact, then both suddenly looked away. I actually remember seeing him at one point after our eyes connected, look away, take a deep breath and then continue talking. When the meeting ended, we said goodbye. As I was leaving the building he came out to say bye again and we stood about sorta awkwardly until I really had to go. Then as I was leaving, I looked back and saw he was just still staring at me.

By the time I got back to my office, I had an, 'It was great to meet you!!!' email and a suggestion of meeting up outside work sometime... That I didn't take up. I'll explain below.
There's a snag. It's the snag that made him following me out into the lobby feel awkward. He has a girlfriend. It dropped it in near the end of our meeting, in a (and I'm not being biased or imagining this) kind of "err, I wish I didn't have to say this..." way. (It only came up because I worked somewhere where his gf now works - we don't know each other.) There was this long pause after I mentioned where I used to work, before he said, 'Oh..Really?!......I know someone who works there now......................... Ummm........yeah, my uh, uh....*looked uncomfortable* girlfriend works there.....' I didn't enquire in anyway about what department and we just changed the subject after a few seconds of silence.

It's utterly frustrating. I know that we really connected (this is only the second time I've experienced this, but I know this feeling and the kind of passionate relationship it can lead to) and I know that he felt it. We don't have any face to face meetings anymore, but just telephone calls and emails. All our emails deal with the work stuff first, then have a little personal section where we joke about. When we have work calls, we both get all clammed and trip over words - the tension is just ....! I love his voice, it drives me insane, so that tends to make me a bit nervous on the phone (ha ha). I don't know what he's thinking when talking to me, but I can tell he's feeling nervous and self conscious, and I know guys can get like that around a girl they like a lot. I know we'd have a very passionate relationship, and I know he feels that. I guess that mutual awareness is causing the mega-tension.

I know what I could do to pursue him, but I really don't want to be that woman. I was before, with the only other person I've felt this connected with. He left her for me, but I felt like it impacted on our relationship. I felt guilty for months and months. I also had to convince his friends I was like totally cool and not evil, and well, his family never accepted me for 'ruining' his relationship and made things very hard for me. So there is no way I wanna go down that road again!

But seriously, I feel like I'm going a bit mad! I feel like there is this very strong connection that can't be severed and has to be explored. I feel utterly frustrated and obv, worried about making a fool of myself. Our project will finish soon and then any contact made will only be for personal reasons. I'm afraid he'll just disappear...

First, let me begin by saying this is my first post on your site. I've been an avid reader for a while now, but a recent journey of self discovery has lead me to research the mythical concept of "love at first sight". I'll begin by laying out a few of my beliefs regarding the topic.

1- There are two types of women in this world. (In a root, primitive, simple manner of speaking)

2- The first type I like to call Linear Women. These are women in the world we see every day, whether in the office, at work, at the grocery store, club etc, but we feel NOTHING. Key word is feel. These women can range from being exceptionally attractive to downright ugly, but either way we don't FEEL anything in our core. Sure, we still notice their attractiveness, and when we see a beautiful woman we definitely check her out, but there is no "spark", so to speak. There is no "lightning bolt", no gut feeling of instantaneous chemistry that draws us towards them. There is no "love at first sight" emotion that is so difficult to describe in words, but for those of you that have experienced it, know exactly to what I am referring to.

Men often engage in relationships and pursue linear women because they comprise of a majority of our encounters with women. But I have found that after a certain period of time, you tire of this type of woman. Interactions with linear women usually take on a "conquer" perspective. After you have chased and successfully "conquered" the woman, you are ready to move on to the next. Linear women are a temporary satisfaction. We pursue them for sex, and after we get it, we move on. I believe that these types of relationships usually do not lead to anything meaningful. Sure, sex creates a connection, but in regards to intellectual or emotional stimulation, it's just not there. While the act of sex creates a bond between you and the woman in linear relationships, I find that it does not last.

3- The second type of woman....the 1%.....she has many different names. "Love at first sight" exists in this spectrum. That deep, gut, striking visceral feeling right when you see that other person for the first time lies in this realm. I've only experienced it twice in my life, but I am only 22. Growing up as a teenager you think you feel it all the time, but I have learned that is just the innocent naivete of youth. You don't really truly experience it until you've matured enough to fully see it, and understand what you're seeing. You need to reach a certain point of maturity, both with yourself and with women, in order to realize when it hits you.

I am officially a believer now. During my most recent encounter, I was merely at work minding my own business when out of the blue, I saw her. She was a striking woman, but I could just sense her beauty on the inside as much as the outside. I literally saw her for 1 second out of the corner of my eye and something just clicked in my body. It is an unexplainable feeling. For those of you that have experienced it, you know what I am referring to. When I first noticed her, she had just arrived, and she was walking around. We had yet to make eye contact, and she had yet to see me, but I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. Something within me, like an inner voice, told me that when she saw me she would feel the same way. I find this strange now looking back on it. She was extremely beautiful yes, but she was not a international supermodel. She was not perfect. But it was not her physical aesthetics that I was being pulled towards. It was "her". Her spirit, her demeanor, her attitude, or perhaps a combination of all of these. It was just something about her that made me go WOW! I wanted to cover my face and take a deep breath, but I couldn't look away. Just to be clear, It wasn't lust, it wasn't a carnal attraction. I know what that feels like. When I see a woman with a great body walking down the street I also think Wow! I think to myself...I want to have sex with her, and I can't stop staring at her figure. THIS WAS NOT THAT. Not even close. To describe what it was in words is impossible, but to give you a small glimpse of what I was experiencing, It was like a key fitting perfectly into a lock that I didn't even know existed.

When she finally made it over to my side of the room, we made eye contact for the first time. This is where it gets interesting.

I am under the belief that when you get this "love at first sight" emotion, whoever you feel it towards will inevitably feel it towards you. My theory was proved correct that day. I don't know if she could see it in my eyes, and I don't know how she knew, but she knew right when we made first eye contact what I was feeling. And in that fraction of a second, I knew that she knew. I could see it register in her eyes. I also picked up a similar vibe from her. It was mutual. For the rest of that day, we couldn't keep our eyes off each other.

What is this? You may be asking, is this no different from lust at the store when you see a sexy woman who you keep making eye contact with and you are both physically attracted to each other?

It is VERY different. Me and my "love at first sight" partner were not looking at each other the way you look at someone who you want to have sex with. When we looked at each other, it was part amazement, part wonder, part key fitting into a lock, part question. The question being....Who is this? Why do I feel such a strong pull towards this person?

So to summarize, it is in my conclusion that while a majority of the women we meet and date in our lives do not give us this love at first sight feeling, when we encounter one that does we need to not let it go to waste. Because a woman can be the hottest, best looking woman on the planet, but if she doesn't make you feel like THAT, than what's the point. It will only be a matter of time before you move on to the next, before you tire of this one, before you get bored, before you start to find small things about them that you begin to hate, before the vicious cycle repeats all over again. Because no one is perfect. And by having sex with more and more linear women, that void becomes deeper and deeper, and these inner feelings become less and less noticeable, less frequent, and less intense. While being dispassionate will get you linear women in mass quantities, it also lessons something that so many people crave, something that so many people never get to experience...and that is the intensity of the spark, the heat of the fire, the strength of that lighting strike when you first encounter a "love at first sight" woman.

So my question to you is.....Is it better to get thousands of hot linear women in your lifetime?

Or that 1 who hits you in just the right spot.

I recently had an encounter where I met a girl and there seemed to be a mutual attraction, love at first sight kind of thing, which is the only kind of romantic meeting Im interested in to be honest - however, after things escalated and we got off the dance floor and sat together, - I failed to make a move, and started acting kind of cool, instead of being vunerable and direct about my attraction for her which I was in the beginning of the interaction, and we had quite a heavy discussion on different issues (religion, sexuality, etc.)...after that she asked for my number, and I said call me, but she never did.

When I bumped into her a few weeks later she apologised for not calling and I said i understand , she asked if I was going to this place she was meeting a friend, I said I couldn't (for practical reasons), so we were just like "see you later" and said goodbye. After that I added her on Facebook, no further action taken. Then I met her once again on the weekend and we just nodded at each other as we passed each other by..it felt like it was over...any ideas what this is about?

Hey Chase. Forgive me for this comment, for I am being a bit presumptuous. I just bought HTMGC but didn’t post this question on the forum as it is not about technique but rather about mental models and I’d like to gather my reference point from someone I can trust. I don’t know you but reading your articles has given me a sense of familiarity, in all honest truth I can say that I’ve even noticed your style of writing and perceptions change through the subtle nuances in your writing from a decade ago and now. I don’t have reliable sources to get a reference point of this from, and as it is a matter related to love, I’m not ready to find this out through experience. This is because I didn’t used to have a healthy attachment style and I’m working on changing it and one of the things that I’ve come to realize - from articles of Hector cucking men to the way they respond despondently or to how men have broken down to women’s demands yet don’t leave and also my own experiences - I’ve come to believe finally that everyone has a choice. That’s the beauty of life. No one is in reality helpless and it took me time to learn. An example of an issue I struggled to find even ground on for me was do I care about myself to let go of a relationship even though I may not have someone else in my life for a long time (as a newbie I don’t have abundance mentality, but without setting healthy limits from the beginning about what I’d stand for I’ll be trapped in scarcity. The more limits I break for a girl the more the girl’s perceived value increases, a man’s perceived scarcity increases in his own eyes and his integrity is shattered. Keeping your mouth shut because you’d rather not be alone is probably what kills most men in the end lol.)
So riddle me this Chase and forgive me as it is a bit personal.
I have a choice to screen for the women I want and not settle. I’m screening for fidelity. I know you go for conservative women with low partner counts, which is basically the best odds for fidelity. In the article on love at first sight, you mentioned that one of your first sight loves was an engaged gal. Idk if she’s conservative or has a low body count, but if she’s engaged and with you, upon the assumption that a girl’s past matters, she’s effectively someone who’s just become capable of straying. In this case would you consider her as a strong relationship candidate considering that she’s violated the principle underlying your rules for choosing a conservative woman with low partner count? A fling is up to you but would you consider something more given your connection?
Also could you answer this from the perspective of a man confident in his relationship management skills and from one who’s not as experienced and what may be the right path to take for both. Thank you.

Chase,

First off,I want to thank you for giving all this Advice for free.

I have felt this love at first sight twice in my life.The first time was around 5 years ago when I was still In school.And the second one is now.

However,There is a certain problems with these girls.They are usually older or younger than me.And these girls are quite different from me.Like,We Don't share similar hobbies or interests.But,I feel like this incredible energy from them.I feel so energetic after just seeing them.

That is the problem-I just cannot find much similarity between us.There are a lot of similarities,But I just feel so awkward talking to them.

I always regretted not trying with The first girl with whom I fell in love at first sight.

But,It's soo difficult talking to this second girl whom I fell in love at first sight.She is 2-5 years older than me(I am 20).I know it sounds bad,But,I LIKE her a lot.I find it so easy to talk to certain girls.I have seduced many girls.But,I can't even muster up a sentence around the girl whom I really like.

Chase,Any advice you could give would be greatly appreciated.And thanks once again for giving out all this knowledge