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Being cheated on sucks. It’s emasculating. It can feel like you’ve been judged somehow inadequate as a man.
Thinking of her off texting some man to meet up so she can let his big, hairy cock fill her up when she could’ve spent the night with you… it’s enough to drive a man loony.
As you mull the situation over more, you begin to wonder if she wasn’t faking it with you the whole time. She never appreciated you. You aren’t deserving of love. That despite your best efforts, you still aren’t good enough. You don’t, per say, know what you aren’t good enough at. All you know is that the state of “good-enough” is forever and deplorably outside your grasp.
If you were to happen across a Freudian at this time, you may start to think that this all ties back to some oedipal attachment to one of your parents. Why didn’t mommy love me! Etc. etc.
After a nap, you dismiss that curious early-20th century fancy and return to more sensible fuming about the matter at hand. The image of her happily embracing that devil of a man crosses your mind. You refuse to hate him though. She wants you to butt heads with this laughably inferior man-child over her!? What a joke…
“But why would she do this at all? From a neutral, objective perspective, I’m clearly a better lover/boyfriend/etc. than that guy…”
When she cheats on you, you may feel something like what I’ve been describing. Most of us have felt this way at some point or another. I surely have. It’s an unfortunate situation – and it’s even more unfortunate because in most cases it could have easily been prevented.
Comments
Editing
Hey Ethan, its been a while. Are you still offering Editing services? I didn't get a chance to finish my work but hope to finish in the near future and was hoping you are still game.
Hi there :)
Hi there :)
I'm not offering editing services universally, but I think I did offer to look over a piece of yours a while back, so feel free to send it over when you're done!
-Ethan
Different types?
Hey Ethan,
Love your articles bro!
Your "There aren't enough girls" and natural flirt changed my views completely.
Great article,
Just wanted to know how the situation differs if it's not a Long serious relationship.
Maybe cheating happened while still a fresh relationship just began with dating a couple times, not sure what either party expects,
Or a casual relationship.
Or the "LTM girlfriend with ONS" that each girl knows you're seeing other girls under subtlety.
Or the multiple LTM girlfriends, while the main one you imply with subtlety and the rest knows they're not number 1. And the non-number 1 cheats.
How would it differ in each?
Keep it up!
Thanks Ethan,
Lawliet
Thanks L,
Thanks L,
I don't think there's that huge difference between all these different relationship styles when it comes to cheating. Cheating is primarily a problem because it is a breach in trust, in my opinion. Breaches in trust occur against the backdrop of expectations.
So the greater the difference between your expectations and what actually befell, the more severe your reaction will justly be.
A basic structure map we can use to approach the differences between different relationship styles could be:
1. both parties monogamous
2. you are monogamous and she is not
3. you are not monogamous and she is
4. neither of you are monogamous
Each of these is either overt or covert. Whether the infidelity is overt or covert actually communicates a lot, and each has its up sides and down sides. For example, some up sides: if she (or you) is covert about her infidelity, it suggests that they still want to be with you and care about your relationship. Overt, however, might suggest a desire to be more open and honest.
Downsides? Covert could mean she's bored with you and needs more drama and secrecy in her life. Overt could mean she just doesn't care anymore. So you see, it's very situational.
But back to the framework. Here it is loosely applied:
1. If both of you are monogamous, cheating is usually a great breach of trust, especially if you have explicitly established this as important.
2. If you are monogamous with her but she is sleeping around, it quickly puts the power dynamic of the relationship in her favor.
3. If you are not monogamous and she is, the relationship tends to be a lot less stable. It depends on the girl, but overtly doing this will make things extremely unstable. However, social norms as they are, this tends to be the second least severe breach in trust, when it comes to cheating.
4. If neither of you are monogamous, and you both agree that that's fine, there's room for the least amount of drama. And if you are both covert about it, you've got yourself an Emmy award winning comedy. ;)
I also don't think that there's all that much difference between getting cheated on early on in a relationship vs a few month down the line, except that it speaks of either a wild girl or a "nothing all too special" impression on the man's part. However, if it's a marriage or a committed relationship, it's obviously going to be a much bigger deal.
Ethan
Thanks Ethan!
Thanks for going into the framework too with each scenario so we know what we're getting into when cheating happens in those different situations and whether to stay (if we can handle it) or move on.
Now if she's cheating on her bf with us, that's another story but would be interesting to see things from the other side too.
Cheers!
Lawliet
This was very nice. New stuff
This was very nice. New stuff, good structure and I learned a few new words. :-)
About open relationships and "From both yourself and your partner you should tolerate nothing less than total sincerity." let me add this advice:
1. The male and female genda
The male and the female agenda are incompatible in the long run. This is evolutions trick to keep everyone moving forward.
a) The healthy female agenda is serial monogamy. She submits to the best possible male and becomes a part of his frame. Until new humans are made or better options arise.
b) The healthy male agenda is a mix of one or a few overlapping possibly lifelong relationships, with intermittent hunting runs.
(I will refrain from adding nuances here)
2. It seems like a win/win situation is impossible
Since male and female agenda are mutually exclusive conflict will arise. One party will "win" and define the official frame. The other party will formally accept the frame.
Plottwist:
To stay mentally healthy it is not neccessary to have all of a persons agendas met. But it IS neccessary that the person acts towards her/his agenda.
When you deny a person this basic right, they will become increasingly ill, neurotic, dysfunctional. Now how is it even possible to make someone act against his own agenda?
By tricking/convincing them into accepting a frame as their own, that doesn`t respect the basic biological difference in nature of their sex. (This is where a lot of the hate in the manosphere derives from)
3. The solution
Ally with the hamster! (google female hamster and manosphere for related information) It`s not a failure. It`s a function! :-)
Part of the female brain is the ability to completely fade out obvious parts of reality as long as she intuitivly comes to the conclusion that everything is progressing in the right direction.
So as a man you can do the following to at least have a chance to build an emotional win/win situation. (Nobody said it`s easy)
a) Be so sexually high value, that she becomes willing to submit to your frame.
b) Have your frame incorporate her basic needs from the very beginning.
c) As long as you meet her needs and stay on top of the game you will have a win/win situation. (this is not at all easy, but hey sexual selection made us conquer the world. :-) )
4. Epilogue
Incorporating her basic needs into your own frame is the main problem.
You can achieve this by a combination of
a) Leading
b) Not rubbing it into her face that you see other women on the side (This allows her Hamster to do the rest)
This situation isn`t perfect, but the fact that everyone roughly get`s what they need makes this concept the best option available (in my current oppinion). Former centurys of male/female interaction seem to indicate this works.
Why this deal is fair:
a) The male has to do a ton of work to get this going. (First get ahead of the male competition, then coordinate his and her needs 24/7) His burden is that he has to constantly live with the awareness of reality, which is highly stressing.
His reward is the role of an active leader who can command respect for the success of the whole male/female endeavor.
b) The female has to do quite a bit of work too. (She has to develop and trust her intuition to an extreme degree. So that basicly she can bet her life on it, even in situations where her otherwise valuable logic comes to contradicting conclusions. Otherwise the Hamster can`t work.)
Her burden is that she will have to constantly live in a world of fate and trust in her feelings. This is highly stressing too.
I will leave you with a question to contemplate:
What should the poor male and female do when they do everything right, have a working relationship, but get quite stressed from time to time by their respective roles demands? ;-)
suns
P.s. To put my advice short: Follow your instincts, but don`t rub it into her face and make sure that the deal stays attractive to her despite your being a bad boy.
P.p.s. I might even write an article at some point. PM me an offer Chase, if you are interested.
Couples therapy for sexual infidelity
As a couples therapist specializing in sex therapy (http://www.mytherapist.info/about) just wanted to add a few things to think about. If you've been with your partner long enough to want to save the relationship or change the relationship style, couples therapy with a sexually savvy (sex positive) therapist can really help. The article mentions open relationships being practically unmanageable, but a great therapist can help you iron out some of the details if that's a relationship style you and your partner were interested in trying. Important to note, even in open relationships, you can still cheat - it's just playing by two sets of rules without being an open and honest with your partner.
Fake Cheating
Any ideas on fake cheating. I know I've experienced this, probalby several times. (Also come and get me cheating, where the sex with other guy was happening, but she wanted me to take action).
Known cases:
My lover (who I had proposed to) said she was joining dating service; I hung around (stupid I know). Years later she told me she was trying to make me jealous.
I ran into a woman I had dated, and she started acting like she was really into anohter guy; she was not bathered that he was trying to pick me up.
Hey Dale,
Hey Dale,
Fake cheating is an interesting phenomenon. I'm supposing you're talking about girls suggesting they are cheating when they really aren't. It's not a good sign either way though. One should interpret it like a red flag that something needs to be addressed. Usually, it's that the value of the relationship is for her too low. However, it isn't uncommon for it to be a test to see how you'll act. If it's a test, she may be using it as a way to make explicit how much more valuable she is to you than you are to her (i.e., imbalanced investment levels), shifting the power dynamic. This isn't because all girls are mean or anything, but because she values certain things and she isn't sure that you embody those attributes (e.g. commitment level, emotional security, reliability, maturity, physical fitness).
It can also be her way of courteously indicating to you that she does in fact have other options waiting in the wing, and that if you don't lock her down in a more serious relationship, she's going to fade out of your life and into another mans real quick.
The foundation things to address to prevent girls from doing this is to proactively manage your attainability (be somewhat attainable) and value (e.g. high social status, preselection, technical skills, excitement/engagement, etc.).
Ethan
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