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In both the seduction community and the Manosphere, the term “beta male” is the diametrical opposite of the “alpha male”. He is also a contagious meme in the popular culture, but he is, contrary to the “alpha male”, usually referred to by folk terminology.
He is known as a “nice guy”.
As discussed in the previous article about “alpha male” and “sigma male” strategies, the term “beta male” is used in an imprecise way in the seduction community and the Manosphere, and I will thus not use it in the rest of this article. However, the almost synonymous concept of a “nice guy” is used in a rather consistent sense in contemporary society and it thus makes sense to discuss what characterizes him.
While there is much advice around on how socially dominant men behave and how to become more socially dominant, there is the problem that the advice usually only attempts to fix superficial behavior patterns of such “nice guys” and does not treat the underlying psychological conditionings that created the “nice guy” in the first place.
This is problematic because it causes incongruence, usually in the form of dominant behavior patterns that are in conflict with the underlying “nice guy” belief system.
There is also an incongruence problem in that a player lifestyle will generate reference experiences that are often deemed as negative in the “nice guy’s” belief system. This article will discuss how the “nice guy” has been conditioned and how the “nice guy” can recondition himself on multiple levels in order to become more socially successful. But first we will discuss why all these “nice guys” are around in the first place.
Comments
Fear of break up
I usually have fear to start relationship with a girl because of "what a crap it will be if I will need to break up with her, while she loves me so much but I don't want to be with her anymore and want to explore the world..."
Leaving pain in hearts of girls seems so disgusting and it seems better alternative to settle for mediocrity average life.
I know exactly how you feel...
Anon,
I stayed celibate and single for fifteen years for precisely this reason: I didn't want to leave pain in the hearts of girls because I knew I had trouble falling in love—still do. I am probably about to break up with my current girlfriend of almost one year for the same reason, but this time, I have done a much better wind down than previous relationships. I am still on amicable terms with the girl I dated (and bedded) just before her, and she actually lives just down the hall from my apartment.
I, like you, have an insatiable thirst for new experiences and meeting, understanding, and sexually pleasing new women. It all has to do with how you set up the expectations early on in the relationship.
Let me recommend a few articles that helped me figure this out better for myself:
The 9 Secrets to Being a Sexual Man
How to Break up with a Girl
You don't have to settle for a mediocrity in order to protect girls. You just have to be up front with them about what kind of man you really are.
Cheers,
-MP
Article Suggestion
On a somewhat related vein, I was wondering if you guys can do an article on success and self-assurance. These are people that just radiate confidence and assurance.
I've often read that successful people carry themselves differently. They walk, talk, and act a certain way. They have an attitude about them that actually attracts success. Apparently, you can spot them in a herd.
I would like to know what those indicators are so that I can start acting that way, going back to the faking it until you make it mindset. I think this site already covers a lot of these indicators, like a sexy walk, a sexy walk, and overall just expecting success with women rather than failure, by changing how we've always done things to do them differently. In other words, it's a hundred thousand different ways to discuss that old adage, "Man becomes what he thinks about." It would be nice to see an article or 10 that brings everything together. After all, part of the equation of happiness is a richness of relationships. Thanks.
Hi Anonymous
If you have not yet done so, I suggest you have a look at my previous articles about cognitive-behavioral therapy. It was an attempt to do exactly what you are asking for, providing a framework which brings a lot of the advice together. And to provide a structured way to do "fake it to you make it" and how to internalize more success-oriented mindsets.
I will probably write more articles about internalizing good stuff and ridding yourself of bad stuff in the future also, so I'll anyway keep such suggestions in mind.
Best,
HJ
Entitlement
"Nice guys tend to believe that they do not deserve a woman, let alone a physically attractive woman." <--Wouldn't you guys say thinking otherwise is entitlement mentality? You guys write that you shouldn't be entitled and that nobody owes you anything etc., but all of the guys I know who are good with women have this delusional sense of confidence whereby they believe they deserve to get laid. Clear this up for me.
nowhere near an expert but i
nowhere near an expert but i believe they usually say that as a motivator to go and get what you want instead of expecting it to come to you. The guys with the absurd confidence you are referring to seem to believe they will succeed while making the attempt to do so. And once you have the mentality right in your own head it's just a matter of time
Hi Anonymous
That is an interesting point you are making!
I would personally say that there is a "good" entitlement mentality and a "bad" entitlement mentality.
The "bad" entitlement mentality is wanting to have something without putting in any work, in this case, on yourself. Everybody knows some guy who just complains about not attracting women and at the same time dresses badly, neglects his looks or simply lacks basic social skills. He wants something he objectively will have problems getting because of his own laziness or unwillingness to change and that is not a productive mentality.
But if you actually have changed to the better, say, worked on your fundamentals and social skills, then a mindset that you dont "deserve" something you objectively should have no problem getting is ALSO delusional, only in the negative sense. And in this case, it would NOT be delusional to think that you deserve to succeed.
Some of these nice guys are also objectively good looking with at least average social skills, and are just held back by pure psychological issues.
I agree that many guys who are very good with women have an almost delusional confidence. I dont think this is any different from a salesman selling a product a lot of people has historically wanted. Of course he will be confident that somebody will buy it regularly and this mentality will probably make him even more successful. So this is what I would call a "good" entitlement mentality.
So bottomline, nobody owes you anything, but underestimating yourself is also a delusion.
Hope this clears it up a bit!
Best,
HJ
great article
Very thorough and detailed explanation of the nice guy. I am that guy who has a nice guy dad.. I know exactly what it feels like. The shyness and lack of strength is sometimes learned if you don't have a traditional masculine father or uncles.
You guys should go back to breaking down stuff like this, it helps a lot of people get a deeper understanding why things are the way they are. Sometimes you can't verbalize or write what you're feeling, this article summed that up.
Hi,
Thanks, it is always good to hear that what is being published is useful to the readers!
Best,
HJ
Distinction
Always informative, always insightful. But the article doesn't really make any distinction between women, as if they are all of the same EQ and IQ. Some of the women we encounter are just plain primitive, and speaking to us from a very primitive mindset. But they may look the part otherwise, and as masters of deception have learned to conceal their limitations. Some of the women you meet are only working with an 85 IQ, and a high school senior maturity, and it may be some time before you realize this, time in which they have poked and prodded you with ridiculous primitive bullshit that would get them wacked by the type of man to which they are much more suited, and really looking for.
Hi Barricuda,
You are totally correct that there are some differences between women in how much of "bad boy" traits they prefer. In my experience even some rather intelligent women may be like that. Personally, I think there are some women who the average man and the average student of seduction just avoid as they simply will only respond to rather bad behavior.
Best,
HJ
Western Society
Could you write an article on why western society has branded women as perfect and angelic? Would be a great read.
Hi,
I think you will get a fairly good impression of that from this one:
http://www.girlschase.com/content/why-madonna-whore-intimately-linked-west
The short answer is that most advanced societies want people to form families for reasons listed in my article above and the linked article. And men are more willing to make long-term investments in women they have naïve illusions about.
Regards,
HJ
An Exercise In Futility
When women consider being normal and decent to be a disability, and believe niceness to be the same as bland, boring, and gutless, then it's just one more reason to get out of Dodge. So, what's a reasonably normal guy to do in the face of all that?
Hi Mickey
I would say you will be ahead of most people if you recognize unreasonable and intolerable behavior and simply don't accept that. There is no need to go to the opposite extreme.
Best,
HJ
Thanks
Thanks, HJ.
Social circle revolt
Hey Halvor. I posted this somewhere else but i think this article might actually be a more appropriate location for my post plus I'm interested in your response specifically because of the type of internal mindset articles you do. So fucking cool, I personally believe that the internal mindset and projection of it is the most interesting thing about picking up girls. anyways.
I'm currently changing up all aspects of myself. My personality has become more domineering and its worked fairly well on some girls but has also caused many of my friends to pressure me to quit acting like a dick. Now some of my change has been rather sloppy, as it always is, so I may be doing the "dick" vibe too much. I'm aware of this and just accept I'll have to tone it down eventually. Personally though I'm just sick of second guessing myself amidst this group of 'weak' nice guys and really disgust being criticized for it. I'm not really interested in convincing anyone of my friends to join me in my own self-improvement because who has the time or energy to live other peoples lives. Suffice to say, this group's pressure takes a toll on my self-esteem / confidence and I'm wondering if I should just slowly let my affiliation die out while continuing my behavior or supplicate some of their desires. Its almost as if my change threatens my nice guy friends own ego's or something. thoughts?
Be a Man, Do the Right Thing
If you're allowing this social pressure to have such an effect on you then maybe your transformation isn't as complete as you think. Strong men don't really worry about that kind of thing.
My suggested course of action is to strike out on your own until you find new friends that suit your new personality. This option requires you to be somewhat of a loner while you struggle to acclimate to your new identity and browse other social circles. If that sounds too scary for you, you should stick with the "nice guys."
On the likelihood that they're right and you're just being an asshole (and not a cooler/stronger/sexier man) then I would say just stop being an asshole.
Hi sande2jm
There may be two things going on here.
1. Most likely, you are simply upsetting them by acting against what their social conditioning tells is "good behavior" and that is an ego threat. Then you are right to reduce contact with them.
2. Some guys actually go to far when trying to become less nice and become generally obnoxious. If your behavior upsets player type guys or more confident guys, then it is time to tone it down a bit.
It may also be a mix of these.
Best,
HJ
1. Not trying to win 2. Not
1. Not trying to win
2. Not wanting to win
3. Crying over not winning
4. Sucking up to winners
5. Being angry over not winning
6. Not trying or wanting to win
7. Failing to win well
8. Not trying to win due to fear
This has helped the most out
This has helped the most out of any article ever posted on the site.
I wont go into details but I think ive ruined something amazing by being the nice guy. Im now in the process of sorting my nice guy shit out and at least will learn from this for the future.
I believe a true Nice Guy is
I believe a true Nice Guy is broken. Maybe he was born weak or was broken down early in life but once broken he cannot be rebuilt. The Nice Guy is clearly exhibiting a slave morality ("I don't really matter, I don't like it but what can I really do?"). Hence stop yourself from becoming a true Nice Guy before it's too late.
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