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Dating

COVID-19 – The End of Dating as We Know It, Part 1

dating after COVID-19
COVID-19 has already shown us a glimpse into an odd future: the rise of the home office and social distancing, etc. How will these shifts impact dating in the long term?

This article is purely speculative. We might look back on this in two or three years and laugh at some of these predictions, or some other Girls Chase authors will flame me. But when The Jetsons came out, we laughed at some of the predictions they imagined that are now commonplace. To get your critical brain thinking a bit, let’s look at some impacts of COVID-19.

Some pundits, news reporters, media outlets, and sources of influence are labeling COVID-19 as a quick, passing moment in time, after which everything returns to normal once a vaccine is developed. Others predict permanent social distancing measures, indefinite isolation, and a host of other lasting changes to our society.

I’m not this extreme on either end, but I think this moment in history is starting the path of some significant long-term shifts. In some ways, it’s too soon to predict exactly what will happen next, but there are some indicators we can accurately assess to draw some conclusions. I think it’s bound to affect how some parts of dating will work for the next decade or so.

Fundamentally, women never will change, and game will always be game. So, let’s speculate on the ways you may be meeting girls in the future.

Should You Flake on Her First? Well, There Are 5 Pros and 3 Cons

flake on her first
It's an old tactic, but you may not have tried it. Should you flake on your date first… before she flakes on you? There are 5 good reasons to… yet 3 cons to keep in mind.

There's an old flake-reduction tactic I first learned about 14 years ago.

The tactic is simple: you flake on her first.

This guy who told me about it mentioned he'd flaked first on his last six dates. Then he rescheduled his meets with them. Each of the six jumped into bed with him on Date #1. None of his dates flaked on him back.

He was still testing it out, he said, and couldn't confirm it was an always-reliable technique... but the early signs looked promising.

I filed that away mentally as an interesting anecdote, but not something I was bold enough to try at the time. At the time, I was only just starting out. I still needed to worry about getting dates in the first place... I was not in a place to start flaking on those dates.

1.5 years and a fair bit of romantic progress later, I had a date with a very attractive girl. However, I also had a lot of things going on. And I forgot the date. I was at a trendy upscale nightclub with a friend, and in the midst of talking to new girls, forgot I had one I was supposed to meet up with that night already.

Well, my date messaged. I saw the message, realized I'd forgotten the date, and told her I wasn't coming. Then she called. I had to awkwardly apologize and tell her I'd forgotten I'd promised my friend we'd hang out.

"So... you're not coming?" she asked again.

"Yeah... I'm sorry, I can't tonight," I said.

"... okay," she said.

I apologized again, and hung up. I felt really bad.

The next day I texted her, apologized again, and offered to reschedule. She accepted.

A few days later I met up with her. She was more or less ready to go already when I arrived. We had a few drinks at the bar, she was super flirtatious, then I pulled her. Two hours into the date I shagged her. We went a few rounds, and she was super sweet to me after.

I was... surprised how it played out, to say the least. "I thought she'd want nothing to do with me after I forgot our date," I thought.

Then I remembered that instructor's experiments 1.5 years earlier. 'Flake on her first' had worked for me, just as it had for him. And I definitely wasn't advanced at that point yet, either.

Maybe it wasn't such a challenging tactic to pull off, after all.

The COVID-19 Effect: Do We Need to Rethink Pickup and Seduction?

dating covid-19 pandemic
Has COVID-19 become an overarching seduction wildcard, disallowing your tried-and-true pickup routines? It certainly has for me. But it’s not all bad. Here’s why.

Here in Europe, as in many countries, there’s talk about “rethinking” and “reinventing” ways to socialize. I get chills EVERY TIME I hear this. It activates a deep fear that I may lose everything I love so much, like enjoying a night out, banging chicks at parties, and going on dates in bars.

The thought is terrifying.

I question a lot these days why the authorities and media say this. I am nearing the end of lockdown in my country. People are partying on the weekends (sadly, clubs are still closed). They hang out in restaurants and bars, doing all the usual things again. So, I question the "need for rethinking our social life" rhetoric. Things are getting slowly getting back to normal, although it took a bit longer than anticipated. So what is all this rhetoric for? To scare us? To calm us down? For marketing? I honestly do not know.

But I know that you cannot reinvent “social.” The “social” is about meeting people face-to-face. Skyping is social, so are group chats on various platforms, but they are not social in the strict sense. They are like “social light.”

Humans, even hardcore introverts, are social beings. We need to see people, interact, mingle, laugh, dance, and play. It is part of human nature. Biologists know it, sociologists know it even better, and psychologists think they know it.

First and foremost, there is likely no need to rethink ways to socialize (as the crisis will end eventually), and it is impossible to rethink socialization.

This is what I’ll discuss here. I’ll share my perspectives, and then review some strategies for tackling socialization in the age of COVID-19.

Dating App Gurus vs. Pick Up Artists: What's the Difference?

dating app gurus
More and more, guys who succeed with women on dating apps are claiming their way is the 'best way.' But do these guys have superior seduction skills – or are they full of hot air?

When I was a seduction neophyte, cutting my teeth on game, everyone agreed: online dating was good for a few easy lays and a little momentum. Nevertheless it wasn't where you wanted to hang your hat.

There were guys then who specialized in it. But the rule of thumb was, the more into online a guy was, and the less 'real world', the more of an introverted, and frequently kind of odd, guy he was. Online was its own unique niche... but nobody went around equating it with pickup. The two were different things.

Online and pickup/seduction overlapped in some ways. But online always only ever covered a subsection of the skills and tool sets a man learned in cold approach pickup.

Recently, however, there's been a sort of ideological schism.

With the normalization of dating apps, the number of men whose lays come mostly or entirely from dating apps has skyrocketed.

And, increasingly, these online dating guys are getting some rather large egos.

Should You Start Dating a Woman with Kids?

dating a woman with kids
Have you considered dating a woman with kids? As the child of a single mother, my advice is to find someone else and avoid the many pitfalls intrinsic to stepfatherhood.

In my opinion, you should not date a woman with kids.

You can shag her, sure. Beyond that, I would not continue to date her.

The only exception is that you also have a kid you’re bringing into the new union, and you're both down to help raise children who aren't yours. In that way, the power imbalance is addressed, and you’re both helping the offspring of other parents.

If that recommendation upsets you, I’m guessing one of two things:

  1. You’ve been programmed to think stepfatherhood virtuous.

  2. Or, you lust for a woman who has a kid. Maybe you’re already dating her.

The only people who will say you should be a stepdad are those with an agenda. And I say this as a guy who was raised by many different surrogate fathers during his childhood.

My birth father was mostly nonexistent from the age of 2 to 12. I only would see him during summers after that. We have a good relationship now, but it’s taken nearly 15 years to get to that point, with drama in between that I would wish on no one.

I say this because it makes me immune to the most hateful responses someone might have about my stance on this topic, which I happen to know better than almost anyone. The only criticism that might strike me as genuine is, “You’re ungrateful for the love those men had for you!”

The answer to that is: no, I’m not.

I’m very grateful for the parenting attempts made by my many quasi-stepfathers (none ended up marrying my mother, except one briefly for a few months). They all had different influences on me. Some good, some bad, some mediocre, but I appreciate the effort they made if they did make one.

There are a few who had a significant impact on me, and I will thank them until the day I die.

One of them was an Italian chef. He was the first person my mother dated who truly acted like a father. My mother told me he is the one responsible for teaching her how to let my cry as a baby and not rush to soothe me. “Let him cry, and he will stop,” he told her. He even sat on her to keep her from rushing to me. He is still my mother’s close friend even to this day.

Another important man was a boyfriend who would later come out as gay. He had some degree of heterosexuality given he had a relationship with my mother, so it would be accurate to classify him as bisexual. My mother had suspected he was more gay than not, though, and after they broke up, he decided to follow that life. He was very, very good to her and me, and he loved us both very much. Even now, he is still a close friend of my mother and visited me on my birthday in Europe a few years back.

The most beautiful follow up to this story is that, after all these years, he still has a picture of my mother and me on his desk. When he’s asked about this picture, he says that if he had desired the life of a straight man more than his current life, then we would have been his life. My mother would have been his wife, and I would be his son. I think this is extraordinarily beautiful.

The third important surrogate father was as close to a stable father figure as I would ever have. Although he had a son and daughter of his own, we were more closely linked in personality than his own kids. You might say I was the son he always wanted. Karma brought us together for a reason because our similarity was insanely strong. However, he had serious personal faults that prevented him from truly being a man worthy of my mother’s respect. He lacked the skills to allow the relationship to flourish. I will say without regret that he was an amazing influence in my life and taught me much about what it means to be good, to care, to love, and to be a man. I love him deeply and wish him all the best in this life and the next. He is a good man with a good heart.

However, I will say this unequivocally: I would never recommend any of them to take on the role they did and attempt to become a stepfather. Even more so, I say this about the rest of the men my mother dated. Of them, none of any importance come to mind.

All those men, no matter how good their intentions, were going after pussy (except the gay one, of course; he might be an exception and probably loved me the most, as his heart wasn’t tainted by lust). For the rest of those men, I was a secondary concern. Even if they grew to love me later, I was not a priority.

Don’t get me wrong.

I don’t doubt some genuinely cared about me or loved me or wanted the best for me. Some clearly did, as I pointed out. It doesn’t change the fact that they still wanted to screw my mom. I know this because I know men. I teach them for a living, and I know their hearts and minds better than they do.

But I get ahead of myself.

Let’s look at why society lauds the stepfather and deconstruct its motivations so you can discover if you want to be praised for this act (and how this praise subtly motivates you to be a stepfather, even if you’re not aware of it).

You Don't Get Girlfriends by "Giving Them Stuff"

giving girls stuffCan you convince a girl to be your girlfriend by giving her stuff?

It's obviously not a strategy we recommend on this site. But LOTS of guys try to pull it off. So let's have a look.

A guy on Reddit talks about a girl who “let's just be friends”'d him six months ago, writing:

Earlier this week, I bought tickets for a musical next year that we both really want to see and she was over the moon. I really wanted to go with her but I thought maybe it could also be a good opportunity to ask her out again, seeing as it had been 6 months. She asked me how much tickets were and I told her, "Well, I was thinking maybe this could be a date. And in that case, no charge at all."

My friend told me she was sorry but still didn't have feelings, valued the friendship, etc. I told her it was fine and that I just thought I'd check in again and we moved on as usual. It hurt, but I was fine to just stay friends and hoped the feelings would eventually subside.

The next day, we started talking about the musical again. I mentioned the price of the tickets and she said something like, "Oh, I thought it was a gift?" I told her it would have been free if we were going as a date, but as friends, I'd want her to pay for hers. She got quite annoyed at me and accused me of trying to pay her back for not returning feelings. She told me she really didn't want to hurt me (and to her credit, her rejection was done as considerately as it can be) but this was really making her feel like I was trying to punish her for not reciprocating interest.

I tried to explain that I didn't mean it to come across like that, but these tickets were relatively expensive too and I just wasn't willing to spend that much on a friend. My friend told me she wasn't upset about having to pay for the ticket and she was always happy to do that, but she felt like this was me trying to get some petty revenge or even manipulation, that I didn't value her as a friend but just as someone I could maybe have a relationship with.

We see here the stereotypical nice guy / nice girl manipulation dynamic:

  • Nice guy pretends to be fine with being friends, only to keep trying sneaky tactics at moments he has leverage to try to get dates

  • Nice girl pretends to be surprised something nice guy offered her for free in exchange for a date is not still for free once she's turned down the date (and manages to get both tickets for free in the end -- see below)

In an update, the nice guy bends, giving the girl both tickets for free to invite whomever she wants. Meanwhile, the nice girl accepts the free tickets (of course... the actually gracious thing would be to say "No thanks, you keep them, take some girl you like instead" -- but this girl's not gracious), though says she will probably take the nice guy along. He's providing her free stuff and lots of fawning attention, without her having to give him anything in return... she is going to keep that going so long as it's still worthwhile to her.

While the whole thing is pretty cringeworthy, we must ask: does this technique ever sometimes work?

Tactics Tuesdays: How to Use Guilt Trips (Playfully)

how to use guilt trips
You can guilt trip women in fun, light ways (without putting a lot of pressure on them or being manipulative) to keep your courtships moving forward. The secret is the 'fun' part…

Don't worry, we're not going to talk about the Scumbag Steve, Dark Side version of this.

This article's about something Light. It's the playful version of guilt tripping.

Guilt trips are a persuasion tool you can use to get a woman out of her head and thinking about things from your perspective. They add another piece of the puzzle to an equation where a woman may only have been thinking about her own immediate wants.

You can use this kind of fun 'guilt trip' to accomplish various useful items:

  • Get a woman to stick around longer with you in-person
  • Get her to rethink her decision to cancel plans / flake
  • Get her to comply with a request or agree to a venue change

And more. We'll talk about how below.

Do it in a playful way, and you have a nice little pattern interrupt that shakes a woman out of the pattern she was in, and often loosens up the vibe a good bit to boot.

Tactics Tuesdays: Dealing with "Give Me X!"

give me that
Whether she's got an attitude or she's just not good with people, sometimes a girl make demands. How you handle her demands sets your courtship's tone.

If you go out enough, from time to time you'll face girls with attitude.

You'll also face girls who are socially uncalibrated, and girls with low EQs (emotional quotients).

Any of these girls, whether to show attitude or because she just isn't calibrated enough to know otherwise, will sometimes make demands of you.

Demands like "Give me a napkin" in a voice tone that's demanding and not sweet, and in an impolite way without a 'please' attached.

It's a small thing, but how you respond to these impolite impositions can set the tone for later parts of your courtship.

You must respond in a useful way.

Tactics Tuesdays: For Resistant Girls, Use This Parting Shot

resistant girl parting shot
Some girls like to be with you and have your attention, but won't let you escalate. If you reach the point where you're ready to bail on them, before you do, do this.

I've talked about parting shots on Girls Chase before.

A parting shot is anything you say to a girl before you ditch her, leave her behind, or otherwise cut contact with her, because it doesn't seem to be going anywhere with her.

It is, in my opinion, not great form to simply walk away from a woman you've invested time and energy into, and had even a bit of a connection with and got a little ways with, without a parting shot.

The reason for this is simple: sometimes women play games, under the assumption that you will continue to play games.

They do this because most guys will.

But you're not most guys.

And before you shove off, it's important that women understand that.

Why "The Lover" Always Wins the Dating Game

lover vs provider
Should you come across as a lover or a provider? Let’s examine why the lover’s frame is always best, no matter the type of relationship you want with a girl.

Hey guys, and welcome back.

In this post, I’ll discuss two aspects of seduction men need to consider to achieve great success with women.

There have been many theories that split concepts into categories, phases, or into different aspects, like “the five pillars of seduction,” etc. Today I want to break it down to its core.

The framework I’ll present will be very intuitive and broad, yet I’ll give examples as we proceed.

You may have certain frameworks you already use to make sense of the world of seduction and women. There is nothing wrong with that if it is helpful. However, you may encounter a competing framework that you happen to find equally interesting. Yet, it is not coherent with your usual framework. This will not be the case here.

The framework I’ll discuss is so basic that any other framework you may have will be compatible. If it is not, then your initial framework needs reworking.