Confidence

There've been a handful of commenters recently asking about an article on anxiety in men, including this one, the first of these more recent requests:

“Hi Chase,

A slight digression from the post, hope you can add your two cents to this. You mentioned avoid being the guy who's "racked with anxiety". Throughout most of my life, I have been plagued with anxiety. My mother suffers from anxiety and I believe it has significantly influenced my development. In high school, though I was part of the cool crowd, i knew at the very core, I was extremely uncomfortable around other people. To hide my weakness, I would put on a facade that consisted of being a loud, obnoxious, "bad-ass" person.

I have matured from this and instead of living through a mask, i want to tackle my anxiety head-on. My belief is that, just like anything, gradual exposure will ultimately desensitize. I have been forcing myself to approach strangers and make conversations on a daily basis with this belief in mind. It's been a difficult journey though. Correct me if I'm wrong but through reading your ebook and blog posts, I take it you've gone through a phase of social anxiety/general anxiety yourself as well. If you could be so kind to share with me how you tackled your social anxiety, specific "exercises" that you found extremely helpful, anything you think is worth mentioning, it would truly be a boon to my development.

Many thanks,
Jack”

Jack, sure, I can go through this a bit. It's a little off topic from what we normally talk about, but I think it ties in well to being more successful with women and dating, so let's have a look.

This'll be a more personal post for me, similar to the one on how to overcome depression, simply because it's one I've had a lot of experience with and spent a long time stuck in. Anxiety and depression are quite often part-and-parcel to one another, so you might even think of this as the sequel to that post: defeating anxiety.

When I first began working in the self-help industry in earnest, I was, as most new to the industry are, overcome with a desire to help others. The pride I got when hearing I'd helped someone turn around his station in life with women, or turn around his life in general, was great. It's still wonderful to hear, but back then it was amazing.

It took me a while to recognize it, but there was another side of the coin to self-help too; it's the side I mentioned in "How to Master Anything" when talking about the "complainers" (as contrasted to the "fixers"), and it was the people you'd run into that you couldn't help. These were the ones who seemed like they wanted help, and they were there asking for it, but you just couldn't break through.

Eventually I did some research on it, and found out there was a distinct psychological term for this: it's called "victim mentality."

And it isn't the people you think who have it. It isn't some poor pathetic schmuck sitting around in his room moping about why life has to be so hard. Sure, that guy's got it too, but there are a lot of other people who have it:

• Parents
• Teachers
• Bosses
• Colleagues
• Models and actresses
• Jocks and playboys

... I've met people in almost every walk of life with victim mentalities. It's surprising when you encounter it, and you see it to different degrees... but it's there.

For me, recognizing my own victim mentality a long time ago was key to getting my life moving again in the right direction. And at the same time, I spent a decade in "neutral" because of my own refusal to see it and fight it, and I've met scores of people along the way similarly bogged down by this.

If you want to break free of it - if you really want the kind of life you want, with the kinds of things you want in it - this is another one of those situations where you'll find that the answer doesn't lie in the world changing to suit you... but rather, this answer lies within.

Most of the time, you walk about the world meeting ordinary people living ordinary lives who leave little of an impression on you. That's life.

But, every now and again, you see someone, or run into someone, who strikes you a certain way. You can't quite put your finger on what exactly that something is - the individual has a certain degree of intensity about him, you think; or a piercing gaze. He might not be charismatic; and he might not be sexy or sensual. But he's definitely got something.

This is a post about that "something;" about how to be edgy. Edge is a particularly difficult thing to learn, and teach, because it entails a specific rawness about oneself that most people simply lack. And that rawness is difficult to emulate when you don't have it... perhaps more difficult than being sexual, more than being charismatic, more difficult than almost anything else.

And while it is necessary for you to transcend into the higher levels of success with women, it isn't a magic bullet; you'll meet plenty of men with edges who still struggle with girls, too. It's a component, and a vital one, but it isn't all that good on its own.

Adrian commented the following recently over on the post about indirect game:

“Chase,

Great to hear from you! Cultivating an "edge" is something you often talk about. That said, my understanding of what exactly constitute this "edge" is still rather spotty. To me, cultivating an "edge" is a movement along the "disarming and friendly" model towards the "bad-boy/don't-give-a-shit" model. Considering being warm and welcoming an integral factor in your process, how does cultivating an "edge" fit into it? Furthermore, during your journey in developing "edge" to your character, what are some specific areas/mindsets you worked on?

Many thanks,
A”

All right Adrian, let's talk about it. We've talked about being a sexy man plenty on here, and the vibes and nuances that go along with that.

Now let's talk about being edgy itself, and how that's different from sexy... and just how combining edginess with sexiness turns you into a very compelling character, to everyone you encounter.

This is the first official installment in my new series on social interactions. In case you're just tuning in, the series kicked off last week with "Social Skills 101: Pushing Past Your Comfort Zone." Now it’s time for us to really get into some solid, practical tips and tidbits you can start using as soon as you finish this article... this time on body language.

Chase just had a great post on putting together a sexy walk that went into detail on a very specific area of your body language (how you move through the world); and now I’m following it up with a broader-stroke post on general body language.

On this site, we often reference reading body language and using body language, and while it may not seem all that important, it in fact can make or break a pick up or general social interaction.

It can also get pretty complicated, so I wanted to get you an article on reading and using body language, and why it matters.

Here it is.

When I was 12 years old, I first started experimenting with my walk. I'd begun running social experiments a little earlier that year, and I figured I could tweak things about myself to give people the kind of impression I wanted to give them.

At first, I walked really fast. Everyone would comment on how fast I walked. I thought doing things quickly was good. But as I studied people more closely, I realized that slower was more powerful. So, 6 months after I started walking faster than anyone else, I slowed down... way down. Now everyone commented on how slow I walked... I walked slower than anyone else.

Over the years, I added pieces to my walk, refining and improving it: first to have a very powerful walk, then to have an intimidating walk.

It wasn't until my early 20s that I at last began developing a sexy walk, designed not to impress people, clear them out of my path on the street, or dissuade them from challenging me in bad parts of town, but, rather, to attract women.

On the article titled "Get a Girl Alone Today with These 7 Tips," Nick commented:

“Hey Chase, great article by way.

I have bought your book and read up on your blog posts( having lots of success because of it) about how to have a powerful walk.
Although, I am not sure if I am being too try hard or being to subtle that it is unnoticeable. It would be great if sometime in the future you could put up a video demonstration or even list a few examples of actors in cinema who have a powerful walk.

Thank you”

He's referring, of course, to the section of How to Make Girls Chase that discusses your walk. And Nick's right - something as nuanced as your walk needs video illustrations to show you how it's done.

And today's article is going to give you just that.

Does meeting women sometimes seem like rocket science to you? Do you get nervous with women and trip over your own two feet?

Wow… there is so much stuff to read, so many things to work on internally, so many things to consider at every step of the way when talking to girls…

And one single mistake can be fatal, and lose you a girl that was totally into you.

No, far be it from me to tell you that this skill is incredibly easy, and that you need to “just be yourself” and run “natural game”… if that worked, none of us would be here right now.

At the same time, there is also something that is worse than not knowing what to do… and that is “paralysis by analysis:” when the fear of doing the wrong thing leads you to do nothing at all, which is obviously also going to get you no results at all.

Or you think you need just a little bit more information before you can finally start going out and meeting women.

Or maybe all the information doesn’t paralyze you, but you do lose track of all the things you should be doing on a date and end up stuck in your head, or even more nervous and stiff because you’re thinking too hard about what to say next.

I’ve been there… I’m a pretty analytical person, and so I got stuck in that pattern too for a while.

And because I don’t want you stuck there for long too, here’s how to avoid it.

I have bad news today…

The path to success really sucks.   

Building a successful, thriving business is bloody tough… BUT there is one thing that sucks even more: being a slave in a cubicle or a factory for forty years and never having enough money to live the life of your dreams.

Eating healthy and hitting the gym every day is bloody tough too… BUT there is one thing that sucks even more: being out of shape, low on energy, unattractively chubby and unhealthy.

And becoming a master in your dating life is equally tough… there is nothing worse than going out there day after day, getting rejected by woman after woman and failing over and over.

Except for one thing: not having options in women, and either staying alone or settling for something less than your dream girl.

Chase recently dropped an absolute value nuke on this blog… a spectacular post about how to master anything. In that post, he discussed that in our group of friends, every single last one is “crazy.” We all deviate from the “norm” in some way… which is what drives us to create lives that go way beyond a picket fence and 1.7 kids.

But there is a second trait that every one of us has, some more than others (I think Chase has us all beat there)… and that trait is GRIT.