Confidence | Page 2 | Girls Chase

Confidence

How confidence affects results with women, and how to get your confidence, boldness, and "inner game" tightened up and running smoothly.

5 Wrong Mindsets for Cold Approach Pickup (Plus 3 RIGHT Ones)

pickup mindsets
There are many ways men think about picking up women. Many of these ways are not helpful, though.

Once you're in this long enough, you start to notice a lot of the same mindsets again and again among learners.

Some of these mindsets help the mindset holders succeed with women.

A lot of them do not.

How to Be Attuned to Women and Your Surroundings

be attunedAre you tuned out while out? If you notice a beautiful woman, is it a surprise you were unprepared for? Here's how to tune IN (in 5 simple steps).

In my article on scouting for 'meet girls' spots, a reader named Kevin comments

Hey Chase,

From the articles such as this one where you talk about your observations of other people when you're out on the street, I'm always struck by how aware and tuned-in you are to other people. Myself, for various reasons, I got into the habit of being totally in my head and tuned-out whenever I'm out on the street; I'm also very eye-contact averse, with everybody. I don't look, or I break off immediately. The only exception to those would be when I take very long walks or do day game sessions. And since those feel so much better because I'm really tuned-in, this ability to really absorb your environment and be totally present in it is one I very much want to automate. My question is about your eye-contact. Do you shamelessly observe everybody around you, holding eye-contact with anyone who gives it to you? Do you use the overhead eye-contact tactic from the 'Elite EC' article where you only look at people who look at you? Could you please give me some tips on how to emulate your own tuned-inness to the people around you when out on the streets? Somehow, probably because of social control, I'm really shy about just looking at people and observing them shamelessly!

Many thanks in advance,
Kev

It's a good topic for discussion. Attunement can be a fleeting thing. It's also by no means assured just because, for instance, you went out to approach women.

I observed in that article that the vast majority of people you pass by in life are tuned out. They're lost in their thoughts, thinking about what they need to do that day, absorbed in messages or notifications on their phones -- their heads are anywhere but present.

The attuned man enjoys some distinctive benefits. One is that women notice him much more. Attuned people are in it; they gaze around, their eyes are wider, they're noticeably taking in their environment. Attuned people look for other attuned people, and a woman who's attuned will tend to very quickly notice an attuned man (and you'll notice her). Which women are most likely to be attuned? Those who have a reason to pay attention. Much of the time this means women who are looking to meet someone.

Attuned men are also more risk-aware and better able to present as hard targets to avoid dangerous situations. Very useful if you live in dangerous places (or venture into them from time to time).

There's only one challenge: how do you tune yourself in?

Because for most people, being tuned in is merely a thing that happens to them, on rare occasions, when the mood strikes, or when they chance into the right state.

But that doesn't have to be the case for you.

You can attune yourself directly and consciously, if you know how.

Make It Happen

make it happen
If you want something in life, like a woman to love (or 50 women to love), you're just going to have to figure out how you'll make that happen.

Long before I was a dating coach, I was in a sort of “factotum,” or a state of bouncing through many different jobs. I quit most and was fired from a few. I just didn’t find many jobs rewarding for anything other than paying rent.

At one of these jobs, I was a low-voltage electrician. During the plasma TV boom, every rich person in Vancouver wanted one on their wall. So my job was to install these big, heavy televisions.

I hated it, but the pay was good. It was a hard job that required a lot of problem-solving. How do you get these wires across this house or apartment and into an electronics equipment panel without them being visible? We had to go into the wall, through the attic, or into the crawl space. Then we had to mount these 50-pound beasts (pre-LCD TV) onto these awkward wall brackets.

Some days I’d look at what was involved for an install, and it seemed impossible. I’d want to tear my hair out, quit, and live on welfare. So I’d call my boss and say, “I don’t see how this is possible. It’s too difficult.”

And my boss always gave me the most powerful and vague advice:

“Make it happen, Tony.”

And he’d hang up.

A 5-Step Plan for a Serious Seducer

serious seducer
Serious success requires serious commitment. And if you want to be a runaway success as a seducer, you will need to throw yourself in, in these 5 ways.

When you are looking to improve with women, there are a few things to keep in mind.

If you don’t get them in order, things won’t work the way they should, and you will find yourself stumbling around without knowing what to do.

So today, I‘ll outline what you should be doing to help make it easier. I’ll set out some easy-to-follow steps to organize your progress as you go through your journey.

Tactics Tuesdays: Expect Women to Approach You (or Signal)

expect women to approachGet alert, tune yourself in, and EXPECT the women you see to signal or approach you. Do this, and your fundamentals improve… and women actually do respond a lot more.

A year or so ago, I was talking to Ricardus (remember him?) and he mentioned a day when he went around feeling like the sexiest man in town. He just put it in his head: "I am the most attractive man in this city," and as he went about his day, women's heads turned. Ultimately a random cute girl approached him and struck up a conversation with him.

And when he told me about that, I thought, "Oh yeah, I do that too."

Most of my content focuses on 'outer game', because I think that's just generally easier for guys to focus on, and that the 'inner game' will catch up once the outer game's tight.

But there's a converse to this too: even once your outer game is solid, and your fundamentals are great, you can still slack off a lot when you're not in the right headspace.

Try this: wherever you are, right now:

  • Remember the last pretty girl who gave you a look when you were out somewhere. What did her face look like? Her body? What sort of signs of interest did she give you?

  • Remember the last time you felt like you were on top of the world. Was it just after you got out of the gym? Just grabbed a number from a new girl or rolled in the hay with one? Had some other kind of victory?

  • Remember that when a man walks and acts in a confident way, everyone around him views him as a confident man. Perception is reality, in this case

  • Now, with those three things in mind, remind yourself that you are actually a pretty desirable guy

What happens to your fundamentals when you do this?

Do you straighten your posture up more?

Puff your chest out a bit?

Give your head a more confident tilt?

Open your eyes a bit wider, and become more alert?

Most likely you did these things, plus a host of other small things.

And all those small things add up together to make you stand out in a noticeable way from all the other people around you.

People Usually Choose Mates with Similar Faces

facial similarity attraction
You may have noticed, but a LOT of couples look really similar to each other, facially. Is there an element of attraction related to facial similarity?

Send this article to anyone you know who thinks "You can't get a good-looking woman unless you're genetically blessed with natural good looks yourself!" to really blow his mind.

There's an interesting phenomenon I've paid some attention to over the years: the phenomenon of romantic couples looking facially quite similar to one another.

I first started paying attention to it when I noticed how different different people's assessments are of what is attractive. There's a thread on our forum where guys post pictures of their dream lays... any man who goes through that list is going to see some women he agrees with, and some women he says, "What? That's your dream shag?!"

Seriously, you should scroll through that list... you'll be surprised. Here's just a sample of what different men from the Boards rate as their dream girls to go to bed with:

facial similarity attraction
The dream lays of various different guys. Which ones are your dream lays?

What I began to notice over the years was oftentimes when a guy told me some girl was really hot, and I looked at her and thought, "Whoa... that girl is not really attractive at all," I could take a look at the girl, then take a look at the guy, and I'd discover they actually had a great deal of facial similarity. Similar eyes, similar nose, similar mouth, similar jawline.

And it would click: "Ahhhh... that's why he likes her. She looks like him."

When I'd look at celebrities, and scratch my head over why a wealthy, famous guy with his pick of nearly any woman he wants would choose as his wife some of the total dogs a lot of male celebrities seem to pick (in my tastes), I'd realize those dogs were, in fact, very facially similar to the male partner himself.

At the same time, from time to time, I'll notice couples whose faces are almost total opposites. This intrigued me too. I see it a lot less than the "dead similar" couples, but I do see it.

And as I saw all this, I started to formulate a theory, that gave me a better understanding of human mate choice matching.

This theory made me even more confident (as if I was confident enough) in my own pickups as well... because it helped me realize a few things about what kinds of girls were likely to be most receptive to me, and what kinds of girls I was likely to get on with best myself.

Why Men Lose Women: It's Not Hypergamy – It's Something Else

why men lose women
Many men think women leave them for a Bigger, Better Deal: a richer guy, a better-looking guy, a higher status guy. But hypergamy is not why men lose women. Instead, it's something else.

The other day, a friend shared a YouTube video with me from a guy on a channel called Entrepreneurs with Cars. The guy in the video (his name's Richard Cooper) seemed like an intelligent, thoughtful guy who genuinely wanted to help men, and I couldn't help liking him.

He made some points about women leaving men, and men's need to be aware this might happen, I thought were perfectly solid. He also has a bunch of nice little quippy phrases, like, "she's not yours, it's just your turn," and, "a woman should be a compliment to your life, not the focus." This is useful stuff for the ordinary clueless man to hear, although the advice is imperfect (I'll discuss why below); regardless, it's going to help wake a lot of guys up.

However, in this video, Cooper attributes the tendency of women to leave men to something you see strewn about the red pill / manosphere community: hypergamy.

That is to say, a very manospherian variety of hypergamy, better described as, "She's always looking for the Bigger, Better Deal."

It is when you stop chasing excellence, Cooper says, that women decide they're through with you.

You can watch the video here:

Women might not leave right away if you stop chasing excellence, he says.

Maybe it might take a while.

Nevertheless, once your pursuit of excellence ends, a countdown timer starts, during which you can either get back on track or get left in the dust.

Is this right?

Well, it's close... but it's no cigar.

Because it is not, in actuality, hypergamy -- nor even the end of chasing excellence -- that causes women to leave.

And there is indeed a cause, and it is indeed something you can control for.

However, the actual cause of why women leave is, in fact, something else.

Do Girls Just Blow You Off When You Try to Approach?

girls just blow me off when I approach
When some guys start cold-approaching girls, they go through a stage of “girls just blow me off.” Let’s explore why that’s happening and the brain hacks needed to fix it.

On the Girls Chase forums, a user posted about his struggles with day game, a common issue for newbies. I’ll break it down into chunks so that you can learn the art of day game along with him.

So, if women are blowing you off before you even have a chance to get anywhere, thank Merchant's-Kin for bringing up the topic!

Here's the first part of Merchant's-Kin's post:

“Been struggling quite a bit with street game, because I can’t even stop a girl consistently while keeping without my heart racing, etc. (that’s where I’m at). There isn’t even an opportunity to test openers because I can’t stop girls consistently. They just blow me off.”

This is the beginning stage of learning cold approach: overcoming approach anxiety. It’s also the point where most men quit, right at the starting line.

 

Why Are 21st Century Men So Apathetic and Unmotivated?

what motivates a man
Men of today have lost their motivation to build, fight, work, or get women. What's behind their lethargy, and how can you overcome this in yourself?

We live in a distinctly unmotivated time.

During the settling of the American continent, European settlers burst through with boundless energy. They founded towns, warred with the natives, pushed into hostile and unfamiliar lands, and carved paths through a frontier in search of unknown fortunes.

In the American West, frontier towns brimmed with ambitious men who eschewed the comforts of civilized life, like fine clothes, fine food, or women -- some towns at some points had male-female ratios as stark as 754-to-1. Before the Gold Rush of 1849, California's population was 90% male.

Yet, this bothered the men little, for they were there to find wealth, greatness, or just to build or find something new.

Men of this age didn't need help with women. They found wives readily enough (when they returned to civilization -- or imported them from back home), and those wives didn't divorce them (and only infrequently ran off with other men).

Men of this age didn't lose themselves into aimless pastimes, comfort, and luxury the way men of later ages did either. Most led hard lives, with simple food, simple living, hard work, and simple pleasures.

Yet travel 150 years into the future, and their inheritors are an opposite picture.

American men today sit about all day, riding around in automobiles, their faces glued to screens, their testosterone levels crashed (17% down just from 1987 to 2004 alone), over 50% of the American population non-working (population: 329,227,746 citizens + ~12,000,000+ legal and illegal aliens; jobs: 137,802,000; total U.S. employment: <40.4%). Compare that to the Pioneer Age, when women and children worked all day (on the farm, on the ranch, at the market, making textiles, or in various other occupations)! Many Americans are disinterested in the work available (I have seen numerous men in trades talk about offering jobs or apprenticeships to unemployed younger men and having those younger men turn them down), while many have little thought to the future (1 in 6 older people plan to spend all their children's inheritance).

This apathy extends to all kinds of things, and is on the rise. When I got into the seduction space, most guys weren't that interested in pickup because they occasionally got laid or found girlfriends from their social circles (and that was enough for them).

Today, even fewer men are interested in seduction, yet for different reasons. Rather than it being because they got laid in other ways, a lot of men aren't having sex at all, and are completely apathetic about doing anything to change that situation.

young men no sex
The percentage of men not having sex is shooting skyward.

There's less interest in pickup.

young men no sex
Interest in getting women is down to about 40% of what it was when I founded Girls Chase.

There's less interest in nightlife.

young men no sex
It's been worsening yearly. As of a few years ago, each month only 334 bars opened while 609 bars closed (source).

Men are dating in their social circles much less, and every man is on Tinder, where most women aren't.

what motivates a man
Tinder: the ultimate sausage fest. Worse than any nightclub! Source: Statista

More and more men aren't working, more and more men aren't getting laid, more and more men aren't doing anything other than to sit around with their time, watching their jobs disappear, their women walk by, and their histories vanish, and instead of doing anything to change any of that, more and more men just hang around, observe, and complain.

What's happened to men in the 21st Century, and how did they become so dull?

Framing: "I Hope" vs. "I Know"

hope vs know
Do you seek approval? Is your behavior tentative or uncertain… or is it clear to women that you are confident – that you just KNOW what you are and what your value is?

Sometime back, I wrote an article on giving girls oral sex (i.e., cunnilingus).

In it, I gave a tip of maintaining eye contact through the session if you want to ratchet up the intensity.

A reader writing in the comment section commented that his girl "hates it, finds it incredibly feminine." He adds that women in pornography "stare up at the guy while giving him a blow job, seeking approval." Then says that his woman doesn't want that.

It took me a moment to wrap my head around where this guy was coming from at first. Yet, then, I realized where that was.

With almost anything you can do, there are different ways of framing a thing, both internally (in your head) and externally (the way you present it).

In this case, here was me framing a thing one way. Then this reader came along and framed it another way.

This difference in framing gets picked up on by the woman herself.