A look into the way women see love, life, lust, and relationships.
How do you meet girls when you are the quiet, introverted guy?
Well, the good news is, quiet guys have a lot of power to do very well with women, once they can get over that initial ‘shyness’ hump.
Girls play the role of cocktease or attention whore (or worse)
because these roles can be fun. But what’s the psychology behind this kind
of “fun”?
There are short term and long term impacts on the fruits of our actions in the mating game. In the short term, we can create a really fun seduction, great sex with a beautiful woman, and the potential beginning of an ongoing relationship. Some choose to stay at Point 2, while others go on to Point 3. In the long term, we have the power and ability to grow powerfully with another human, with or without children, as we also have the power to experience many different women. Unfortunately, we can also create an opportunity to ruin our lives through some unforeseen consequence of an action – perhaps the wrong action at the wrong time – or just merely dealing with the wrong person.
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In our modern era, women hold immense power to dictate social ramifications of sexual encounters and relationships gone awry. In this more cautionary article, I wish to make you aware of some less-glamorous aspects of the mating game – situations that if not handled correctly can create extreme unhappiness, commitment problems, legal problems, and financial problems. Better to be aware of these as they are happening than to find yourself on the losing side of a challenge.
I recently picked up a book while visiting Boston, called Games People Play: The Basic Handbook of Transactional Analysis by Eric Berne. This book was first published in 1964 and is meant to be a handbook for psychiatry, yet I felt compelled to write this article when I realized a strong connection between patterns outlined in the book and many firsthand experiences of myself and friends. The book is quite academic and covers far more than just sexual scenarios, so to save you from reading it (it was quite boring admittedly), I’ll cover some dynamic patterns I’ve seen repeatedly that may be confusing to participants in the game.
I hope this summary and analysis of Games People Play helps you identify how to handle complex social-sexual situations, which when mishandled, have resulted in life-altering lawsuits, loss of credentials, loss of work, and worse.
What’s a normal day look like for a regular girl? Work, friends,
gym, guys – lots of guys, of all kinds – and that’s just the start.
Monica’s phone alarm goes off. It’s 7:00 AM. “Ugh,” she groans. She stayed up too late to watch that stupid show again. It always seems like a great idea when she’s into it. And then it seems like dumbest, most vapid thing ever when she wakes up sleep deprived the next day. She slides her finger across the phone screen to disable the alarm, and rolls out of bed.
She shambles over to the bathroom, yanks her panties down, and plops down onto the seat. Pee hisses out. She feels relieved. She gives a few wipes, flushes the toilet, and gets up to go into the kitchen.
Breakfast... should she or shouldn’t she? She stares into her
cupboard. She’s skipped it every other morning this week so far. “No
breakfast” is part of her master plan to shed this light extra layer of
blubber that’s crept onto her waistline. Nobody else seems to have
realized she isn’t super super skinny anymore yet, but she’s realized
it. Hunger overrules the desire to drop a few pounds and she pours
herself a bowl of cereal. Well, at
least it’s healthy cereal, she reasons. She munches on her
breakfast at the table while she reads on her phone.
Looks like normal drama on her social media today. That crazy single mother Abigail in her network had posted another two-paragraph self-justification dressed up as life advice. This time she’d posted about how life is all about experience and travel and not being held back from going for the man you want. That got her a slew of likes and praise (“SO TRUE!”)... until Maria couldn’t help herself and weighed in: “That’s maybe also why 2 kids, 2 dads, still single though, right? #lifechoices.” The comments on the post exploded after that. Monica snorts out a laugh. Maria is her workmate who never held her tongue (or her punches). About 90% of the comments under Maria’s remark are other women scolding her. But Monica knows most of those women secretly hold opinions closer to Maria than to Abigail. She thinks about clicking ‘Like’ on Maria’s post, then decides she doesn’t need to get involved in that debacle.
After breakfast, she puts her bowl, spoon, and glass in the sink. There are a few days’ worth of dishes in there. Gotta clean those before they start to attract bugs, she thinks. She quick washes any milk and crumbs out of the bowl, then leaves it for a proper wash later.
She puts her hair up in a bun and takes a quick shower, using the handheld showerhead to rinse. She spends a little too long with the shower jet aimed at her clitoris. Then she moves down and rinses her legs. She gives herself a quick scrub with some soap and a pouf, then another rinse, then it’s out of the shower. She dresses herself in a neat, tidy little business-y outfit, brushes her teeth, does her hair, and grabs her purse and her duffle bag with gym clothes, then it’s out the door and off to work.
Women care about their appearances more than most men realize.
Yet once you know it, you can run better dates and approaches.
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In his article on approaching girls in a high energy vs. low
energy state,
Alek mentioned women’s tendency to put
weight on how others make them look in-venue. I thought this was a
great topic, and one we haven’t talked about as much as we should have.
So today’s article takes that topic and explores it further.
So let’s talk about the importance women place on appearances... both how they look themselves, and how the people and environments they’re associated with make them look.
Different women place different amounts of importance on appearances. Yet everyone values appearances to one extent or another... if not always to the same degrees, or along the same dimensions.
By the end of this article, I hope you will have a better, more intuitive grasp of the importance women put on appearances. And not to worry – we’ll talk below about why this grasp is helpful to your efforts to meet, bed, and date the women you want to do that with, too.
After sex with a new girl, the real exploration begins. How easy
is this girl, anyway? But you’re not the only one with an agenda.
Women are like little detectives. They’re always sleuthing around, poking, prodding, testing, to find out the truth. What is the truth with this man? Who is he really? Is he actually the man he says he is? How does he actually feel about her? Has he changed? Have his feelings toward her changed?
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Men, you may have noticed, are far less inquisitive. They figure
they’ve got a bead on you, and from that point on they pretty much
lose all interest in any further investigations. “Okay, I’ve got
her figured out,” a guy says. And then it’s settled; he knows who this
chick is. Men do this about women they date and sleep with, but they
also do it with their male friends, with their bosses and colleagues,
with their business partners, and the like. Once they have somebody
figured out, he’s figured out.
Any other details they might turn up are likely to be irrelevant.
Today we’re going to talk about a male-female interaction pattern that springs from this dichotomy: the “how easy is she?” post-sex dance.
This is a dance that takes place from immediately after the first time a guy and girl have sex, up to about the point where a woman converts to a regular sex partner of the guy’s. During this dance, the male tries to find out how easy to sleep with a female is, and the female tries to convince the male she’s not that easy.
It’s a fun little game, and a lot more cooperative than you might think, because the two often have similar agendas: the man wants to believe his woman is not that easy, and his woman is happy to help him conclude exactly this.
Why do guys so often end up with hot-but-crazy girls as their
breakthrough girlfriends? Due to the hot/crazy discount.
Over my years in the dating niche, I’ve become aware of an interesting trend. Inexperienced men, time and again, after slaving away to do better with girls, end up with gorgeous-yet-crazy women. And often get quite attached to them, until they have a dramatic breakup at some point.
I’ve seen it happen again and again. It happened to me as well. Much of the time, it seems to be unavoidable: the less experienced guy finally ends up with this girl who is just so hot... but also, well, a little nuts.
Sure, there are experienced men who date crazy girls too. Some guys
have certain issues that lead them to end up with crazy chicks time and
again. Or sometimes you meet a ‘stealth crazy’ who was extra good at
hiding the bats in her belfry (though you’ll still catch her fast if you know what to look for).
But by and large, the “I’m dating this girl and she is so
hot... but she’s also crazy” phenomenon is one you see primarily among
a.) less experienced daters, and, to a somewhat lesser extent, b.)
intermediate daters.
But here’s the interesting part of the pattern: the hot/crazy girlfriend is often a breakthrough girlfriend for a guy... she’s the first girl in her looks class a guy has managed to bed, let alone get into a relationship. After a guy breaks up with a hot/crazy girlfriend, he’ll typically go on to date similarly attractive women to his ex, except that these next girlfriends are sane (or saner, in any event).
Why should this be so? Why are hot/crazy girls so often the gateway drug to the hot girl castle?
Because hot/crazy girls are easier to have sex with and date than hot/sane girls.
Women and lying go together like ice cream and sprinkles. But do
women chronically lie? Can they not tell the truth – or do they do so
strategically?
“I’m going to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.” – Doesn’t come back.
“I’ll let you know when I’m free.” – Never texts you.
“I will love you forever.” – Dumps you a week later.
“I hate liars.” – Lies.
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When a man faces these blatant contradictions hundreds, if not thousands, of times in his life, he will inevitably ask himself a question.
“Are all women liars?”
You would really hate if I gave a response of “Yes and no,” wouldn’t you?
Don’t worry. I won’t. Here’s the bottom line.
Yes, women lie. A lot. The majority of the time. Except only when viewed from a male perspective of truth.
See what I did there? I lied. I said I wouldn’t give you a “yes and no” answer, and I did. But it had value to it. I used it as a literary technique. I think it’s funny (maybe you don’t). But there was a purpose behind it.
Same with women. They lie with a purpose. They also lie by omission. These are their two fundamental modes of truth manipulation.
First, however, let’s go into how women view truth itself.
Everything in a woman’s life wields some degree of control over
her. The big question is, do you control your woman – or yield control
to others?
College tells her feminism
Is what she must embrace.
Her boss says that it is “career”
What wins in the workplace.
Nightlife tells her status
While friends tell her “fun” too.
So who controls your woman
The environment, or you?
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At some point, you will find yourself with a girl you like, and decide you want to hang onto her a while. You may not want to keep her forever. You might want a short relationship. Or perhaps you do want her forever.
The man sets the pace and trajectory of the relationship. The woman agrees with his direction and submits to it, or she will disagrees and rebels. If she rebels, she does so to force change to the pace and trajectory of the relationship, not to destroy the relationship or take control herself.
You won’t have women tell you, “We’re doing it my
way now.” Well, not usually. Instead, she acts up, pressures you,
whines,
pouts, complains, and does everything she can to get you to change. She does not want to
lead. She wants to influence the leader. Influencing, rather than
directly leading, is how women
control.
We talk about control in this article. Not control in the sense of unwilling control. Nothing here we’ll discuss will be anything against anyone’s will. The kind of control we will discuss here is leadership, influence, attraction, seduction, security, comfort, and power. It is about who wields the greater control over the mind of an individual. Will it be you, her partner? Or will it be the many other forces in the environment that wish her to do as they will – and not as you do?
When a woman tells you she hates you, it’s not a bad sign. And
when you trigger behavior like this, you know you’re doing something
right.
“I hate you.”
“I hate you so much.”
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I first began to hear this frequently when I started to play around with non-monogamy back in the beginning of 2015. I had just ended my last (to date) monogamous relationship and entered into a FWB arrangement with a total nymphomaniac. Details aside, she loved my cock and was totally devoted to me for the next six months. However, once in a while, we’d be hanging out and she’d stare me down with dark eyes and a frowning face, and say “I hate you” to me. Multiple times. At the time, I was speechless, and my typical response was just “...okay,” and then we’d get back to what we were doing.
Fast forward to 2017 – I’ve been running non-monogamous relationships for two and a half years. Having acquired a ton of knowledge since then, I’m actually a bit surprised when I don’t hear this. Instead, I hear this or some form of it – either verbally or non verbally – with every single girl I’m seeing.
“I hate you,” said directly to my face, multiple times
Passive-aggressive style non-verbal behaviors – like a girl inviting me over to hang out but then giving me a silent treatment of sorts, being intentionally distant while I’m with her; this includes refusing to kiss or have sex (at first) but still hanging out
Neediness from women about wanting to know exactly where she stands, expressed directly or indirectly – a girl will openly seek information (through indirect frames) about how I feel about her and whether or not I’m seeing other girls (and how I feel about them)
A girl suddenly changing her behavior to be extra nice, sweet, and affectionate toward me – this includes randomly volunteering massages or taking me out to dinner to a swanky place on her tab
Quite frequently, these behaviors continue long after a girl introduces these behaviors – especially well after we’ve had the relationship talk and I have told her that I will not commit to an exclusive relationship.
In fact, one girlfriend tells me “I hate you” literally every thirty minutes, if not more often, every time I see her, and she also texts me this on Snapchat from time to time. Her voice is always stern, her face frowning, and she’s very in my face about it.
“I hate you so much.”
Maybe you think you should never flip-flop. But flip-flopping has
a time and place. Here’s how to use it well with women and on dates.
One of the major conversation topics we discuss on Girls Chase is frame control. If you’re unfamiliar with frame control, I have a trio of articles here that will serve as a decent introduction:
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The essence of frame control is that you know what you stand for and you stick to your guns. If we can say this of a man, we can say he has a strong frame. Strong frames are attractive; they suck other people in and cause them to see the world as the frame-holder sees it.
Frame control is particularly important in dating. Women will test you and challenge you as they seek to find out what kind of man you really are. A great frame allows you to sidestep these tests, ace them, and beat them.
However, sometimes you may need to change your position. You may be better served by doing something else or adopting another stance that contradicts what you said or did earlier. Flexibility is vital to your dating success. If you’re too rigid about “I have to always be 100% consistent with what I said or did before”, you will pass up a lot of potential success with girls.
Today’s article takes a look at when it’s okay to contradict yourself or flip-flop with women – and how to deal with the tests that sometimes follow.
