Investment

One of the finer points of approaching it's easy to get jumbled up on is approaching women who are already seated.

The typical seated approach looks something like this:

1. Girl is sitting down
2. Guy walks up to girl
3. Guy opens girl enthusiastically while standing in front of her
4. Guy asks if he can sit

... or, sometimes, like this:

1. Girl is sitting down
2. Guy plops down next to girl
3. Guy opens girl with a standard opener

... and while these two methods can work, they both are flawed: because both make the man appear to be investing a great deal more to meet the girl than the girl is investing to meet him. You'll get a pass for that from the girls who are very interested - but other girls won't be so kind.

There is, however, a better way to do each of these sitting girl approaches (where you open standing, or where you sit next to her first), but these require a bit more of an eye toward effort.

You know those people who can just walk into a room and instantly become best friends with everyone? It seems like they have some secret quality that makes them charming, magnetic, and completely approachable.

Have you ever wanted to be one of those people? Chances are you have. And I bet you still do.

But I’ll let you in on a little secret: it’s much, much easier than it seems to learn how to connect with people – to anyone and nearly everyone – anywhere, anytime, anyplace.

Today I’m going to show you a few simple steps to transform the way you interact with others, and master connecting with people.

We've been seeing more comments from readers lately asking about situations like what Mike ran into the other day as remarked on the "How to Steal a Girl" article:

“Hey Chase,

I am 19 and I really appreciate all the insightful information you've made available for guys like me to read who aren't all that experienced.

I have a situation where I've been talking with a girl for a few months, and I finally got to see her for the first time two weekends ago(we live a state apart from each other) after texting, talking on the phone and FaceTiming daily before that.

She had been giving me slight hints that she liked me by little mannerisms and things that were made aware to me by reading your posts. Also, I flew up to see her and she dropped $250 on the hotel and drove me around all weekend, so I got her to invest. The first night I had a plan to have sex with her, and followed your suggestions that you had laid out to the tee.

The night started off great and I could tell she was into me so physical escalation was simple, but after quite a bit of foreplay I made a rookie mistake and left my condoms out of reach. And when I tried to make the move to get them, it took her out of seduction mode and allowed her to think, reminding herself about the internal moral belief she had told me previously about not having sex with guys she's not in a relationship with; therefore killing the vibe for the night.

This was on a Friday night and we spent the rest of the weekend hanging out since we made a special occasion due to the long distance situation. Nothing happened sexually on Saturday or Sunday and she was acting aloof and uninterested on Sunday so I could tell something was up.

I left for home unsure of what was on her mind and now, over a week later, in the time that has passed she has been short texting me with nearly zero emotion or ignoring my texts altogether. In addition, she turned down my offer to facetime, which she has never done before. So it is obvious that something is up, but when I resorted to going "alpha-male" and looking for a response she said she's "been busy?" and didn't respond to my next text asking about it.

Is this a sign of auto-rejection? Or is she testing me with the mixed signals BS? I am really in my head, beating myself up about things I may have done wrong because I know she likes me, but I'm not sure how things could have gone sour so quickly. I thought I had her chasing me and I know she was into me but now I'm afraid I'm getting close to chasing her. Once again, I'm really thankful for all the work you do. I'm aware that this is a lot and my situation is a unique one. I would greatly appreciate any advice and feedback you have for my situation!!

Thank you for your time,

Mike”

That is to say, situations where the guy takes things right up to the point of sex with a new girl... only for it to fall flat; she says 'no', and he walks away, figuring he can always try again later.

Except, after that single failure, there's almost never a "later."

Why do women vanish after you come right to the brink but don't go over - what's the psychology behind this, and what are the options you have to do anything about it?

One of those reminders it's good to have every now and again.

Men who fall prey to white knighting or taking up residence in women's friend zones do so under the sway of the mental model of "do for others, and they will do for you."

Good model for some things... but NOT for attraction.

Doing for others up front does not attract you:

• Friends
• Business partners
• Paying customers
• Fans of your art

... and it doesn't land you women.

In fact, when people see you doing stuff for them for free, unsolicited, or uncompensated, their thought is never, "Wow, what a great guy! I should repay him in spades!" but rather, "Oh, that's nice - it's nice having nice people around like this who give me stuff. Thanks, nice person!"

But this doesn't just apply to pushover white knights.

You'll see even men who are normally good with women slip into doing this from time to time - they start overinvesting themselves, trying to win a girl over (or win her back) by doing more and more and more for her.

Investment's relationship with attraction is a bit more nuanced than these men doing these things might realize, however. And more investment from you does not necessarily (or even usually) mean more attraction from her.

There's a very powerful factor in both courtship and relationships that has an outsized influence on how "with you" a girl really is... or isn't.

It's something that makes all the difference in the world between her brushing off and deflecting interlopers who come in to try to make you and her break circle when the two of you have just met, or her indifferently engaging in conversation with whomever she finds herself talking to next, with little a care or concern about re-engaging with you.

And it makes a huge, obscene amount of difference in how much of her time a romantic partner of yours is going to spend thinking about you, doing nice little things for you even when you haven't asked her to, and going out of her way for you... and it even makes a very large difference in how much respect she has for you in your relationship, how personally insulting or not she is during arguments, and even how likely she is to cheat on you.

This one single factor is something called "emotional association", and it's a factor that you want to get going for you whenever and wherever possible.

Note from Chase: after good feedback on his first piece appearing on the article side of the site, on properly setting expectations, Richard - who posts on the discussion boards here under the alias "Zphix" - started work on a few more articles, including this one, on cold reading techniques and usage. While we have an article up already on cold reading - see "Employing the Cold Read to Unlock Women's Secrets" if you're unfamiliar with the subject - this one from Richard explores the subject in a number of nuanced and specific other ways.

You’re no doubt familiar, at least in passing, with the gypsies of Medieval times; with tarot cards, palmistry, clairvoyance; and all the other “psychic” phenomena. Today we’re diving back into the wonderful art of cold reading to better enable you to have yourself a sweet (and magical) time with that sexy girl you’ve got in your sights.

Cold reading according to Wikipedia is defined as:

“[A] series of techniques used by mentalists, psychics, fortune tellers, mediums and illusionists to determine or express details about another person, often in order to convince them that the reader knows much more about a subject than they actually do.”

For you as a seducer, as a conversationalist, and as a ladies’ man, this is only partially true. Yes, you’ll be getting some information out of her via cold reading... but what you’re really doing is easing pressure, allowing for a deep dive, and building compliance.

In my recent article 'Scare Tactics and the Illusion of Control', reader Yink wanted to know how he could reconcile not using 'scare tactics' and still have his girl believe that he has options and that he can and will leave her if she doesn't act right:

“Because Chase once wrote that you need to make her feel that you have other options and can leave at anytime if she is not treating you well. So should we use the scare tactic when we feel like she is slipping away in order to make her buckle up? Thanks.”

The solution lies in having the right overall mental attitude instead of relying on individual techniques, thus the title of the article - mindsets vs. techniques.

First off, let's have a look at the definitions of each, as a lot can be gleaned from them (definitions here from TheFreeDictionary.com):

• Mindset: a habitual or characteristic mental attitude that determines how you will interpret and respond to situations

• Technique: a practical method or art applied to some particular task

One has far-reaching implications for many behaviours and situations, and the other is simply one solitary method to carry out a single function.

So pitting mindset vs. techniques may look as if it's a battle between an over-arching concept of behaviour and single instances of behaviour, but in fact, it's actually a battle between two meta-mindsets: the mentality-seeking mindset and the technique-using mindset.