Tactics Tuesdays: How to Respond to Her Text Screens

Girls sometimes ask screening questions over text. How you handle these is the difference between vanish or date.

I recently read a private report from one of our senior discussion forum members. It was of a girl he’d met via street stop, took a phone number from, and later slept with a few dates in.

In the text conversation that followed his brief initial meet, she hit him with a few screening questions:

• On his age
  
• Whether he was a student or worked
  
• Why he picked her to approach
  

In between these, she asked other questions. It was friendly enough. But these types of text message screens can be deceptively dangerous.

There’s no subcommunication you can use to make an answer playful over text. No body language, voice tone, or facial expressions to flesh out your response. Things you’d say in-person that would work great in that medium (“I’m a traveling vagabond”) may completely disqualify you over text. Yet just the same, if you are boring or flat, you may lose the girl too.

The way to deal with text screens is straightforward enough. Yet the challenge is, can you resist the urge to be too clever... without completely following her lead?

Why She Text Screens

Women use text message screens because they either:

1. Didn’t get enough info on you the last time they saw you, or

2. Felt weird or unsure about your approach (or last date)

A girl’s text screen may either aim to qualify you (if your attainability is okay; a qualifying text screen is like, “Haha, so why did you say you liked my hair?”) or aim to disqualify you (if your attainability is too low; a disqualifying text screen is like, “So do you really not have a car? :/”). Usually it’ll be pretty easy to tell what her intentions are.

Either way though, your possible outcomes are:

1. She decides your logical qualifications are good and you seem fun/flirty too (best)

2. She decides your logical qualifications are not good but you seem fun/flirty

3. She decides your logical qualifications are good, even if you aren’t so fun/flirty

4. She decides your logical qualifications are not good, and you aren’t fun/flirty either (worst)

If you get the checkmark on both paper credentials and fun/flirtiness, you’re good. She will meet up with you, almost without fail. If you have one of those things but not the other, it’ll depend where she’s at in her life – if she’s bored and is in a, “What the heck, let’s see what happens,” mood, she may meet up anyway. If she’s busier or has other prospects, or she’s lazy and you not being perfect is a good excuse for her to wriggle out of meeting up, you may never see her.

Some examples of why women will text message screen you:

• Your approach is unusual for her (like a street stop) and she needs to find out if you do this all the time or if this was a genuine connection

• Your first impression wasn’t the best and she’s wondering now if it’s worth the time to meet up with you or not

• Time’s passed since that initial impression and she needs to reassess whether meeting up with you is still worthwhile

• You did or said something incongruous at some point, and now she wonders who the ‘real you’ is
  

If any of these occur, you may get a text screen. Which is still better than her saying, “Sigh... I don’t know. I’m just not going to respond,” right?

Of course, how you deal with her text screens is key. Deal with them wrong, and the end result will be the same as if she never responded to you at all.

Wrong Ways to Deal with Text Screens

When I first received text screens from girls, way back in the day, I figured the girl I’d met was already smitten with me (because how could she not be?), and I could just respond as I would in person. Assume attraction, right? Well, yes... but don’t assume that just because something works in person, it’ll work with words you type out, too.

So I’d have conversations that would go like this:

Me: Great to make a new dancer friend :) -Chase

Her: nice to meet you too :) what do you do for work btw?

Me: Oh, I’m just a traveling vagabond starving artist type. You know. How about you, dancing your main thing?

Her: no I do taxes too. so you don’t work?

Me: Not if I can help it :) How long have you lived in the city for?

Her: oh ok

And then that’d be the end of it. She wouldn’t reply to any further messages.

I know you know those feels.

The ‘starving artist’ thing would work fine in person. I’d deliver it with some playful/humorous delivery, and the girl I was with would press on, certain I wasn’t being completely truthful with her. I’d tease her with it a bit, then finally admit at some point that yeah, I had a 9-to-5 downtown. Gotta pay the bills, after all. I don’t actually want to starve.

But over text, without that subtext, I’d be dead in two or three texts. She’d just assume I was being straight with her, and I’d have failed the test.

If you’re wondering why it would even matter to her – after all, don’t girls hook up with unemployed artist types all the time? – the answer is that if she feels the need to screen you on something over text, she isn’t totally sold on you as a super sexy man. At that point, you will still need to roll out your paper credentials.

More on using paper credentials in this article: “Tactics Tuesdays: What to Do If You’re Not That Sexy (Yet).”

So anyway, after a few girls lost going the too clever route, I opted to try being straight over text. Which would tend to go like this:

Me: Hey Mindy, it’s Chase. Happy to have met you today :)

Her: Great meeting you too!

Her: What do you do for work, btw?

Me: I help businesses run things more efficiently :) You’re a teacher, right?

Her: Right, I teach. Have you lived here long?

Me: A little under two years. How about you?

Her: Okay cool. I grew up here.

And at that point she’d stop asking questions. Might reply to a few more questions of mine. But would dodge on setting up any dates, and eventually fade out altogether. I’d usually never see a girl I had this kind of text exchange with again.

Thus, I learned if you are too indirect or too ridiculous, you lose the girl.

But if you’re too matter-of-fact, you’ll lose her too.

Yet if clever doesn’t work... and matter-of-fact doesn’t either... what option does that leave you?

Right Way to Deal with SMS Screens

So how do you respond to her text message screens?

Not by being overly game-y. It comes off as tryhard. Nor by being matter-of-fact. You sound like you’re qualifying yourself when you do that.

Instead, the way you deal with a text screen is by taking an authoritative, “Haha, oh this. Okay, I’ll play along,” attitude toward it. Like so:

You: Great to make a new dancer friend :) -Jake

Her: nice to meet you too :) what do you do for work btw?

You: Ha, oh no! 20 questions over text huh? I’m an architect. I build buildings.

Her: haha. not 20 i just wanted to know. ok cool. are you from here?

You: Why, do you only date West Coast natives?

Her: haha, not always, but usually!

You: lol, all right. Well I’m only partly acculturated. Been here a while but I’m from back East.

Her: oh okay. where?

You: Why don’t we save that for when we meet. Too many boring questions over text kills the vibe. You a West Coast native?

Her: nope!

You: Hypocrite :P All right, what’s your schedule like for our bite or drink? This week or next?

Her: i’m busy most this week. but i have off thursday

There are a few key things going on here. See if you can spot them.

...

Okay, I’ll list them out for you:

1. You tease her for the questions. Yet still answer. You don’t push back too hard, but you do poke some fun at her. Ideally, she will laugh when she reads it... because it’s true. She’s pelting you with questions over text. You subtly frame yourself as more socially savvy, and her as less so, here; typically, women are attracted to men who are more socially savvy than they are (a savvier man radiates male authority). She’ll be less likely to hammer you as much, too, if she fears this makes her look unsavvy to a high status, savvy male. It’s important not to seem too resistant though... because if you resist too much, then answer her anyway, it positions her as firmly in the lead, and you as the compliant party. So instead you tease her a bit, then give her what she wants, in the same message (or immediately after if using a messaging app).

2. On her second question, you ask for clarification. You want to know why she wants to know. This is important, because a question like “are you from here?” is a loaded question when asked over text. If she asks in person, it’s often just chitchat. But if she asks over text, it’s usually going to be important to her, especially when right up front as a text screen. Usually girls who ask if you’re from here over text are girls who want to date guys who are natives, and will drop you if you’re not a native. So you ask her that first: “Why, do you only date West Coast natives?” She then clarifies, laughing because you called her out, and admitting that yes, that’s what she’s getting at. You’ve cold read her and shown you ‘get’ her, which is attractive (and she likely did not expect it). You can now tailor your response: I’m only partly acculturated... meaning that you are integrating with the local scene, becoming like a local, and don’t look down your nose at the locals, which are basically the things she’s screening for/against here.
   

3. On her third question, you redirect to the date. “Where?” is a pointless question. She’s hung up on the topic (of where you are from). If you keep answering she’ll get all the dry facts of you, feel completely bored, and not want to meet up. So at this point, since she obviously has no more important questions left to ask, you can safely put it off for the date (“Why don’t we save that for when we meet.”). However, you don’t ask when she’s free yet. Instead, you ask her a quick yes/no question related to what you’ve already talked about (“How about you, West Coast native?”). This is for two (2) important reasons:

1. You want to cement the frame. If you say “let’s save that for when we meet”, and then “when do you want to meet?”, she can push back on the meet idea and press for an answer. But if you say “let’s save that for when we meet”, and then ask her another unrelated question, like “how about you, West Coast native?”, if she answers that last question, she implicitly agrees to save her question about your point of origin for the date.

2. You want to give her a chance to implicitly agree. Yet before you transition from answering her questions to setting up the date, you need her to agree implicitly to the date. Her not pushing back on “let’s save that question for the date” is her signaling she is ready to agree to a date. She was not ready earlier; she needed more info from you. Not pushing back here implies she is ready to set things up. Thus, once she answers your unrelated question, you can proceed to set the date up... which is what happens next in the example above.
   

4. Then, you ask her out. You ask her for her schedule. Proceed as usual here. See “How to Text Girls: 20 More Tips and Techniques” for the full texting/date setup process.
   

And so, like that, you’ve taken a minefield of a text screen and used it to march right toward the setup of a date with her this Thursday.

Dating in the digital age.

But wait – you’re not going to execute these steps in this exact order every time you get a text screen.

Some of these steps you may not use at all. Other times, you may need other steps, not included in this example. If you’re not that sharp a texter yet, you’re going to need some tools to mix and match before you’re ready to take on the more formidable text screens you will face.

5 Tools to Beat Text Screens

Girls will hit you with different sorts of screens, in different orders. For this reason, there’s no step-by-step ‘text screen’ process you can follow. There’s not a copy-and-paste way to beat these. Instead, it’s mix-and-match.

Thus, the tools I’ll give you below are meant to be used in any order, or not used at all. Use them where they apply.

1. “Sounds like trouble.” Anything you say that makes light of her questioning, in a playful, “haha, oh no, not this!” way, is good. You can use this at the beginning of the questioning, when she hits you with the first question, or when she tells you she has questions for you. Examples of texts you might send:

• “Uh oh! 20 questions, huh?”
• “Haha, oh no! Got a lot of questions for me?!”
• “Questions, huh? Sounds like trouble.”
  

And here’s an example text snippet with this:


Her: Hey can I ask you a few questions? :)


You: Sounds like trouble. Haha. Okay. Hit me!

Fun aside: hit me is a compliance demand. Now when she asks her question, she also complies.


2. “Take a guess.” Works best with girls who are clearly being playful with you. In this case, you just tell her to guess. “Take a guess”, “have a guess”, “why don’t you guess”, all these are fine. Best for numerical things it’s easier to guess about, like your age, how long you’ve been single, or how long you’ve been in town. Not as good for non-numerical items she won’t as easily be able to guess at, like your profession or major. Example:

Her: How old are you?


You: Guess. I’m curious what you think! :)

Fun aside: I’m curious what you think puts the pressure on her – now it is not just her screening you for your age, but you screening her on her thinking and perceptiveness.


3. “Why, [guessed at reason]?” Like the “Why, do you only date West Coast natives?” remark we used in the earlier example. You are asking her why do you want to know this – is it [reason]? Usually you should not ask this on her first question, unless it’s a bizarre question (like “You’ve never had sex with a llama, have you?” To which you should probably respond with “Why... bad experience with a llamasexual?”). However, if she persists with questions past one or two, this can be a good response to deploy. This response is especially useful with girls who ask loaded questions: those questions you sense they may quit responding to you if you answer wrong. Loaded questions include questions like:

• “You’re not [whatever; ‘still in school’, for instance], are you?”
• “Do you have a car?”
• “Do you have your own place?”
• “Are you from here?”
  

The general alert sign is if it’s a yes/no question about you, your logistics, or your backstory. If you get a yes/no question, it’s often worth figuring out what she wants to know first... and what answer she’s looking for. Example:

Her: Do you have a car?


You: Haha, why... been getting a lot of dates with dudes without cars lately?


Fun aside: not only will this get her to fess up and admit her reason for asking, and not only does it position you as socially perceptive. This also lets you use her question to frame her as lower status, which takes much of the punch out of it. It’s essentially a neg; you ‘compliment’ her by saying she gets a lot of dates, but the compliment is a backhanded one, because all her dates are low status men. Because you call her out on dating low status guys (assuming cars are associated with status in your city... in many places women do not care about cars), in a funny and true way, you use her own question to status check her. Even if your answer ends up being, “My engine died. Probably going to be without wheels another 2 or 3 months,” you’ve already brought her own status back down to Earth... and she’ll be a lot more accepting of you than had you just given her that answer without the little neg response first.


4. “lol why, are you gonna marry me?” This is another loaded question response. You’ll use this in response to a non-yes/no status check. That’s like “What part of town do you live in?” or “What kind of car do you drive?” Usually you’ll only see these questions with gold digger chicks. However, you may occasionally run into them with conservative girls who are afraid you might be too much of a wild bad boy for them, as well. Or you may run into it with women in husband-hunting mode who are screening you for husband credentials. You neutralize the question by pointing out how silly it is for her to already be thinking this far ahead. Example responses:

• “Haha, why? Gonna introduce me to all your friends or something?”
• “lol why, are we going to meet your Mom & Dad next time?”
• “lmao... are you already scoping me out for marriage?”
  

At this point, she’s either got to justify why she wants to know, or say something funny to defuse the tension. Either way, she reduces the importance of your response. Example snippet:

Her: What part of town do you live?


You: lol, why, are you moving in with me?


Note: this is for status checks, not logistics checks. If she’s in the process of figuring out where the date will be with you, don’t “lol you wanna marry me?” her then; you’ll just look tone deaf. i.e., if you’re like “let’s get coffee” and she’s like “what neighborhood are you in”, you look like you’re dumb or stoned or awkward if you reply with “haha already trying to husband me up I see.” Use this when her status check is unnecessary and aims to assess your income or social status.


5. “Let’s save that for when we meet up.” Don’t use this with important early questions. But if she veers into nuance/analytical questions, and/or gets hung up on topics, that’s when it’s time to break this out. All you do here is dismiss her over-analytical questions, and reroute them toward the meet. Example:

   Her: What city do you come from?
   

   You: Haha, let’s save that for when we meet. Much more interesting conversation to have in person. Finish your walk home yet?
   

   Here’s another example:

   Her: Have you traveled anywhere interesting?
   

   You: lol, I do not want to have deep, fascinating conversations over text ;) Let’s talk travel when we meet up. How was that test, by the way?
   

   Fun aside: again, you are pointing out her being a little silly, and a little less socially savvy here. You’re the savvier guy who doesn’t want to attempt interesting conversations via a poor medium for these; she’s the less savvy girl trying to have a meaningful chat via letters on a screen.

   The very nature of this response winds down the Q&A part of the text conversation, and moves you back to date setup. Which is ultimately where you want to be.

Break these tools out, and you’ll handle text screens like a pro.

Even if you’re not a texting all-star just yet ;)

Not Everything is a Screen

One thing to note, for the more dogmatically-inclined: not every question a girl asks you is a screen.

Sometimes she’s just trying to make chitchat. Sometimes she is super into you and wants to know as much about you as possible. Sometimes she’s very analytical and likes to know what she’s getting into before she gets into it (though analytical-ness may veer into screening).

But if it feels like a screen, treat it as one. You have the tools.

That screen’s not long for the world.

To recap, screens can feel fun (“haha, okay, let me ask you this”), in which case she is usually trying to qualify you, or inquisitive (“question for you:”), in which case she may often be trying to disqualify you. A girl may opt to screen you if:

• Your approach is unusual for her (like a street stop) and she needs to find out if you do this all the time or if this was a genuine connection

• Your first impression wasn’t the best and she’s wondering now if it’s worth the time to meet up with you or not

• Time’s passed since that initial impression and she needs to reassess whether meeting up with you is still worthwhile

• You did or said something incongruous at some point, and now she wonders who the ‘real you’ is
  

There are doubtless other reasons you can cook up too, if you have a think on it. But these are four of the most common.

In this article, I gave you five (5) tools to deal with various types of text screens. Those were:

1. “Sounds like trouble”: for the first question she gives you, or if/when she tells you she has questions to ask

2. “Take a guess”: a response to number-related questions, like your age or how long you’ve been in town or how long you will stay

3. “Why, [guessed at reason]?”: used with girls asking you a loaded yes/no question, where you suspect she may scratch you off her list if you answer wrong

4. “lol why, are you gonna marry me?”: for gold digger-y questions, and other forms of status check (“what part of town do you live in”, “what kind of car do you drive”, “where did you go to school”, etc.). Note these questions aren’t always status checks; be sure to read the context before you write your response

5. “Let’s save that for when we meet up”: your response to too-analytical questions, or when she gets hung up on topics. Be careful not to use this with her first question though; it will feel like a rejection. After two or three questions you may use this response if it fits
   

Just keep in mind, lest you get screen fever, that not everything is a screen, and context is king. Read the context of the text – then choose how to reply.

Happy texting,

Chase Amante