The Men's Guide to Playing Hard to Get | Girls Chase

The Men's Guide to Playing Hard to Get

playing hard to get with a womanA few days ago, a reader going by the name of Jimbob asked a very good question about feigning disinterest or playing hard to get with women. Here's the segment of his comment that had to do with it (I've added a few paragraph splits to increase readability):

"But anyway what I wanted to ask you is regarding what I sometimes read about when I stumble on to PUA forums or other dating websites. Apparently you're supposed to mix showing interest and feigned disinterest with girls, to make them want you more and try and come after you a little bit and win your approval.

"I've never really tried this consciously, but in my experience showing interest and then showing a lack of interest for whatever reason results in the girl recoiling as if she has been rejected and then she feigns disinterest with the “Oh, I wasn’t really interested in him" attitude you mentioned. Even with really beautiful girls I've seen this, they rarely respond positively to interest mixed with disinterest, sometimes they just act confused, once I actually saw a look of anguish on this girls face because she thought I was rejecting her by not flirting with her, after that she ignored me for quite a while.

"I think it's maybe a self esteem issue or issues they have surrounding rejection, or maybe they've been burnt too many times, but it seems that even the beautiful women have average self esteem these days (I live in the UK by the way). Maybe because they're so gorgeous they're used to guys hounding them 24/7 so if you show disinterest they take it literally, I don't know, but to me it seems like a pointless and hit and miss technique."

Jimbob, this is a great, sharp observation on your part. It took me about 2-3 years of actively approaching women and trying to improve with them before I started noticing this:

Playing too hard to get costs you women. Lots of women, quite often.

Why does playing too hard to get lose you women? Jimbob touched on the answer in his comment -- and I'm going to take you down that rabbit hole in this post.

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.


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Anonymous's picture

So I've been talking to this guy, he's six years older than me, we've been casually chatting on and off when we bump into each other for a little over a year. This summer, he showed a little more interest, and then we talked more, and found out we're both Colombian. He got super interested and connected via facebook. Every time I saw him, he would send me a facebook message right afterwards, until finally we went to see a movie, that went great, we texted afterwards kind of regularly, we have lunch two weeks after. Then he goes MIA (he's busy with school and work, as am I), stops any effort of texting/seeing me, we bump into each other a couple other times, at this point, I'm pretty sure we're just friends, literally. I saw him last week, and we talked about possibly doing something after finals, when I bumped into him today, no interest whatsoever.

I feel like I know he's not interested, but my intuition tells me, he is, should I even bother at this point? Just wait it out? It did take him almost over two months to ask me out.

Mucacos's picture

Hi Chase

I think I have made an Angry Moose here... I've been playing hard to get on this korean girl I had a crush on in class.... and now she's ignoring me... If you're on my shoes what would you do?

I know that you're a busy man, but if there is a slightest chance that you might reply that'll be so cool

Keely's picture

I have known this guy for almost my whole life. We talk all the time , but most the time he texts me he only says "k". He doesn't seem that to interested to talk to me, but is always wanting to hang out. When we get together i cant tell if he's into me either, but is always taking my things, and messing with me. I don't know what to do, if i should play hard to get back, or ignore him completely. Help!

Alcaeus's picture

Hey Keely,

Sucks when the interaction/relationship is stagnant. The problem is that the both of you are giving each other mixed signals. That's deterring you both from steering the situation into a more favorable outcome. You both are trying to save-face from each other and sadly it is the guy's role to be spearheading the relationship. That doesn't mean you can't grab the reigns and lead. And you taking control is a lot better than giving up and remaining bitter towards him for eternity.

This article should help in understanding the scope of things.

Best thing to do escalate, within reason.

Best of luck.

Anonymous's picture

There's this girl who just started working at my gym, the first time we see each other there's obvious flirting going back and forth, and we keep making eye contact as I work out, it's close to closing time so I have to hurry to get my workout in and didn't really have too much time to engage in conversation. Then a couple guys come over and start to chat her up. She has to stand at the desk most of the time, so it's not like she can just walk away or ignore them. So as I worked out, I watched her body language, how the guys acted around her, and what her response was to them. After all 60% of what we say is through body language. At first I thought she was being friendly, then I noticed repeated hair flipping, usually a sign that she's flirting or nervous. In this situation it seemed like she was flirting given the smile she was giving. What bothered me about this was how the guys were acting and how she was responding. They we're completely classless. When she would walk away to do something, they would blatantly point at her ass and go back and forth with crude talk about her like she was livestock. I'm not saying that I don't check out girls too, but never in a blatant disrespectful manner. I noticed that other guys at the gym saw what was going on(this was her first day), and I haven't seen any of them show interest in her since that day. She's very hot, but none of the guys who saw this seem to give her the time of day now. It's usually the same guys at this time of day and none of them even look at her despite how hot she is. As this was going on, we made eye contact and I shook my head in disapproval. The next day I walk in, she sees me, but instead of a warm flirtatious greeting like her first day, she ignores me and pretends she doesn't see me even though she does. Whatever, I go change and I start to work out. As I'm working out she's standing at the desk and I notice that she keeps looking over to see if I'm checking her out, which I'm not, which seems to frustrate her. She keeps walking around the gym to pick up equipment left around and while she's doing this she's bending over when she doesn't need to showing off her ass, and as she walks around she keeps looking at me hoping I will start to acknowledge her/ flirt with her. I don't take the bait. When I'm done working out, I go in the locker room and get changed. When I come out to leave, I have to walk past her desk. As I approach her she has this defeated sad puppy look on her face. I don't plan to say anything especially since she blatantly ignored me when I walked in, then as soon I walk by she says goodbye and I respond in a neutral manner. I'm not sure what to do, on the one hand I'm really attracted to this girl, on the other hand I don't like the way she fall's for crude guys b.s., to me it shows a lack of intelligence and self respect. Also she seems like she might be a flirt who likes the attention of men and the validation it gives her. It seemed that way when I was ignoring her and not responding to her advances after she ignored me, and when I saw her when I was leaving it seemed like I hurt her ego. With that being said I'm not really sure what to do with this girl. On the one hand it would probably be pretty easy to bang her at this point, given that she likes attention and I just put her ego in check. On the other hand I kinda want something more serious, and I'm not sure she's the kind of girl who's relationship material. Sorry for the long post, but could use some advice on this.

Billy - Late Starter's picture

Granted , I'm probably the last guy here to be giving advice. However , this one seems kind of simple. Why not engage her in almost a neutral conversation showing some mild interest ? 'Feel her out' so to speak. Deep dive a little. See if you can gauge her levels of self respect and self esteem. Maybe she was just nervous around those guys and was afraid of making an offsetting reaction. You did mention it was her first day. At the same time , you can feel out any true interest she may have in you.

bazz's picture

I have had a crush on this girl for around 9 years. We parted ways for about 3 years during that period and re-united early last year. Apart from the mixed signals she has been putting out there and having spent Christmas with my family and doing and saying a lot of things that only a couple would do. I learnt recently from a close friend of hers that she is not looking for any one at the moment to start a relationship with. I am confused as to wether I need to take a step back witch in effect leads her to start chasing me in past experiences or has she possibly placed me to far into the friend zone that there is no escape? she has recently also accepted an offer for me to take her away for her birthday witch confuses me even more!

Anonymous's picture

I am currently seeing someone - and i have observed that she zig zags between being sweet to feigning interest. We have known each other since 6 months - and i've let it be known that i want to have a physical relationship. and about a month ago when she slept over for the first time - she did "offer" her over to me - and the reason i say that is because i dindt get the feeling that she is in it but that she is offering as a way to seal the deal. While i have acquiesced to her demands of gifts - recently she has been asking for money which i have provided once (i am much more financially able than her) however i have told her that if she wants a continued investment of time energy and money she needs to invest her time and energy as well. How do i make my requirements clear to her without coming across as controlling. Lastly we live in different countries and i visit her monthly.

Appreciate your help.

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