Want Dates? Then Approach Girls

This is exactly what I needed now. I feel like after a few months browsing the website and reading a lot of articles I have a really better understanding of the 'game', and women.

Fundamentals are just that, though: you need to act to get results..I witnessed this just last night I went to on my own in a small club filled with pretty young women. Throughout the whole night I recognized several approach invitations, some of which by very attractive girls.

I just stood there with my drink, and missed so many shots at even talking to these girls that I promised myself I had to approach at least ONE before leaving the venue and calling it a night.

When I finally did, it was kind of weak especially because I had been leaning against a wall next for a while to this group of four hotties, who clearly weren't lacking attention and craving looks by most other guys around.

This lady, she utterly autopilot rejected me, to use your words, and even though I was rather smooth in brushing it off, I was tired and had dragged it for too long - so I took off shortly thereafter.

It makes perfect sense after your explanation on the social circle validation mechanics which caused her actions. It is pretty apparent now, especially considered how she just shook her head theatrically for her friends to see with that look of 'what makes you think you can have me?'

On my way home, though, I was extremely pissed off by her behavior alone, despite having read all about sprezzatura, abundance mentality and mindset in general, but something unexpected happened the next day: I was feeling stronger, less intimidated by the idea of approaching, and genuinely convinced that it is not as big of a deal as most of us guys seem to make it!

After Chase stated it it feels like simply quoting a verse of the bible, but that's how it is! You need to go to war to become a hardened veteran, there is no way around it.

I am definitely slow to take action.

Today even I was being cashed out by a cute cashier. She started to chat me up and then I noticed her good looks and that she was being warm to me. It should not take this much to get me to realize, "hey this girl is attractive I should get her number."

I am just like the guys you mention, fundamentals and social awareness are good but I never really approach. For me I think a part of this is my reluctancy to jump into the seducing scenario. Maybe I'm just not used to it, BUT I think I'm on to something that needs addressing.

There are times where I feel my energy shift, I feel my masculinity at the forefront. I talk to people easily, I get things done, I approach girls and things are much better overall.

Other times, maybe even most of the time, I feel almost hesitant. I don't talk much, my thinking is "what should I say?" and I feel lacking in power.

This feels important but I am still figuring out how to put it, and think of it, in less vague terms and really flesh out whats going on here.

Hey Chase, what is your advice for approach anxiety? I got my fundamentals down but these fundamentals boost up my ego and I don't want to lose it by getting rejected. I think I'm getting law of least effort mixed up with acting cool and not doing anything. It's winter time here in Virginia and everyone is rushing because it's so cold out. For some reason, I think it's very hard to approach girls when they are in a rush or walking. So what should I say to girls to make them stop and talk? More importantly, how do I make myself act on it? I haven't approach one girl after 2 months of reading your articles and the reason why is I kept telling myself to start the newbie assignment so I just tell myself I will approach when I get to day 3. But I haven't even completed day 1. Sucks being a perfectionist.

Amazing article Chase! Thank You :)

Two things:

1. I've felt a few approach invitations recently, but not until after the fact. A few nights ago at a club a sexy woman lead her little group about 6 feet to my left, turned her head, and looked at my eyes. She paused for a second, then turned and led her group away. My question is this:

How do I even make myself aware that this is happening at the time unless I am actively scanning the room?

If I'm dancing or talking to my friend, there's no way I would have seen her. I'm not a total n00b, but my brain didn't register what was happening until it was too late. Even if I had moved immediately upon her searching out my eyes I still may have looked like I'm chasing.

2. Sometimes girls come up to me and outright hit on me. They ask to touch my beard, or accuse me of using too much gel in my hair (I don't use any). Or they'll blatantly tell me that I'm hot while I'm chatting up her friend (and my intent with the girl I'm talking to is clear).

Almost every time these approaches on their part go no where for me. I've tried being calm and gracious, I've tried being enthusiastic, I've tried ignoring, I've tried escalating immediately. But with one or two exceptions, I can't get a number, or kiss them, or pull them.

Most times the girl's friends are poised and ready to cockblock. Its never just a simple verbal exchange or a "shit test", but rather yanking her away from me and then blocking my path to re-engage her. Or generally being completely obnoxious. These girls are looking back at me over their shoulder as the friends are dragging them away. Its happened several times recently, and I'm becoming frustrated. I've done lots of work in terms of body language, voice, lifting weights, fashion, hair style, facial hair, etc. But it seems now that its backfiring.

They know she's into me. I'm relaxed and cool about her interest. I don't do obvious stuff that would trigger auto-rejection.

Any insight?

I feel like girls are doing this only after they've be greenlighted by their friends that their friends will insulate them from any consequences -- either rejection by me or getting fucked by me.

Thoughts?

I definitely liked this article. One of your many best Chase. I love it when you bring the material down to earth, relatable and succinct. Excellent use of James Bond as an example, a fresh perspective in stating he is a sociopath not just a charming , good looking man in a tuxedo.

Okay, let's go for more.

Why do guys don't approach? Fear. They recognize not as the area to improve themselves in, but as area, that will hurt and to hell with all "you will meet dream girl" because emotionally it doesn't click. It's enough to tell yourself that you're ladies men and why then be one... When you already KNOW you are like this. You feel deep down like this, so why fucking bother about action?

Why do guys don't approach? There's no serious 'why'. Of course, D. Trump would say 'If you have to think, why not to think big', you would nod at such motivational stuff and again do nothing. Because you simply don't have a reason. The one you really believe in enough. The idea of meeting a dream girl may be relevant, but too hard to believe and it's easier to expect random girl to fall into your lap somehow.

This 'somehow' is how people approach their lives as well. They expect pretty much anything to happen somehow. It's safer route to go. You don't have to take risks and place yourself into adversity. But those men who don't take it simply are not somehow better, they see adversity to be 'not approaching girls', because this way they are losing. Rejections feel worthy enough to get the results later, worthy payment.

But brain is about to protect you. It doesn't think it's good idea to face too much of social rejections. Because if you do it reasons you will make yourself too vulnerable, and when you're too vulnerable the reasoning goes that you will be crushed. And if you will be crushed, you will probably starve to death. Starving to death isn't the biggest pleasure on the planet, and fuck those chances to meet girls, they simply are not that real. If they were anyone would be approaching. (facts and emotions are different there).

So guys don't have overwhelming emotional 'why'. So they don't approach. Kidding yourself is good way to feel like doing something when not doing something. Why bother doing, when you can be safer dreaming and feel like you did something. Good feelings for free.

And this is quite of power dynamics stuff, you could land an article on:
You see a girl, you think you will approach, you have a chance not to, which looks safer option, you choose safe option,...
You see a girl, you think you will approach, you have a chance not to, but you choose to approach anyway, she shoots you down, your reward circuitry thinks it's bad idea to approach at all, you decide not to next time, or decide to approach next time, but still feel like it would be better without rejections. And if you choose to approach more this fear pushes you to grow, to work on game and fundamentals to face less rejections. Kind of good thing.

About power dynamics there is also the thing when you make people hate you by simply talking about "problems" they would like to have. Like talking with person who never approaches about "how hard it was to get that girl to bed, but night was incredible". If you state that "I am approacher, you are fucking not" it's kind of shitty thing where:
* if you display someone you're stronger - they hate you
* if you display someone you're weaker - they don't respect you.
It's quite difficult to play. You should be stronger but not to put them down. But still, how to respect them when you for example are famous and everyone begs for your attention and those who don't get feel like you're thinking you're better than them, when in fact you are unable to ever give it, because there are too much of your fans everywhere. It would take hundred life times to tell everyone 'hello'...

Any way strong you're in any social area, you can still be stabbed if you put a knife in children's hand and let it kill you. It's kind of tricky. Don't be too asshole, but don't be too weak too. It's kinda risky to display your exceptional qualities.

Tricky. Conventional answer may be "Haters gonna hate"... But well...

Write an article on such power dynamics.

To actually approach you need to tackle your old conditioning.

Quite useful for me was pointing out my old conditioning leading to current frustration. I took situations from the past and tackled them one after another until it started to feel alright to do new stuff, and it was partially because of fear to sink into mediocrity life.

This is like taking situations from the past and reconsidering them under different light. You just get honest with yourself, by asking 'ok, I will not approach, and kid myself, but WHY, why do I think so'

Then I got to situations from past:

Someone telling me about girl who got her husband buy simply showing some naked body him, getting him aroused, having sex with him and so picking him up. Quite normal dude, but just falling into "vaginal trap". I felt like "No, I will not fall for girls like this! So I don't need them at all". Quite bitter knee-jerk approach, isn't it?

Someone telling me about me being too blush when talking with girls, leading me to talking less and less with them and getting fearful about them.

Someone telling me that if you search for love yourself you will never meet your "the One" cause she comes only when you stop searching.

And so on...

Tackle shits one after another until you have none. Long process sometimes, but necessary, and then you find yourself approaching.

If it was that easy everyone would be doing it. If you don't have deep purpose you believe yourself in, you won't get anything. It's somehow difficult to realize that you really need to take a step and do the thing, not hope for them, when popular culture does everything it can to make you believe that 'good things will find you themselves'.

Anyway, it's your life. If anyone is happy feeding themselves with excuses instead of acting - good for them. But I don't believe it. There also exist studies claiming that

It's kinda strange - we waste our time, like we will have second shot, but we lock ourselves on one irreplaceable girl, like we have no second shots at all.

We don't get it, that life is just a long (not that long really) streak of days. Concentration on "instant results" is poisonous for our souls. We forget the process.

What helps me to stay on track is this awareness, that I won't have second chance to live my life, it's really short and if I miss my opportunities it means I miss them. And most of all - evaluating every activity in the context of "How long value of this action will continue?" and when I find that something is gradual improvement - I do it, if I find that something is gradual losing - I don't.

It's hard still, but I have no excuses. What really scared me once, that I thought that procrastination is some of the things "you get through with age automatically". But as I see more and more older guys still hoping and still living shitty mediocrity lives... I understand that there is no choice.

Take action or die.

I am very guilty at this... i didn't even know that there's a name for it haha....guys if you are like me and the ones describe in this article.. i recommend bringing notes when you go out specially for spotting approach invitations and signs of interest to begin with. Even though you might be aware of all these things...it just helps prevent you from going on autopilot sometimes. In addition, having a piece of paper or some notes on your smartphone reminds you that what you are doing is a process...

It's very similar when you first start going to the gym with notes on what you're gonna be working on that day. For example, on a certain day, you just gonna focus on working your back and shoulders and how many sets/reps..this can be easily translated to just working conversation and approaches...nothing else..maybe work on deep diving people..try to find at least 3 interesting them about them upon first meeting... Once you have this mindset...it kinda helps you override some emotions.... you first have to accept and admit the fact that you are a beginner or you have some weakness that needed to be work on.

I have a mentor.,,he is a surgeon..a urologist in fact one of the highest paid doctors.... but guess what? he has attention deficit disorder.. and what he told me is there is a lot of dumb people out there that are financially successful....reason for this? they get their shit done!.. what made my mentor end up being a doctor? he identified and admitted his disability and *work hard* to solve his problems. Look at him now with his Porsche..

This is a very good site.. it helps you see things socially... like a *trained* artist you begin to see things in shapes/colors/space/ you become aware of your environment. Same thing guys...this is called *Social Arts* and helps you see things in the same manner and i just realized this..

That girls are in the same boat as we are.
They are not some princesses to chase down and get, they are people just like we: with desires, insecurities and so on. When you think about a girl, who should bring some beauty and sex into your life, what do you bring to her life to get it?
Promises of commitment? Being nice? FAIL. She doesn't need them.
But society tells you need? FAIL. Society doesn't owe you anything and is full of people pondering about things they have no real experience with. You're to blame for that too - don't you speculate on information you didn't tested out?! Haha, a lot, I guess.

Girl needs a man she is wired to need, like you need that pretty hot babe you are wired to need... and how to be that man? This whole site describes it pretty well.

If you want good employer to hire you - you work your ass off to get into best shape and then into the best team, if you want hot girl to love you - you become a man she needs through personal refinement, not a man you think she should need. There is no world who adapts to one bitter citizen, but it's the world full of crazy and amazing opportunities once you let yourself touch them.

Well you can still choose not to think big, not improve yourself and stay this fearful little monkey with piece of beer in your hand and list of excuses written on the wall to make you feel good. But then you will regret, because deep down you will know and sadly ask yourself 'What if I could have it...? What if it could have worked out if I just simply did what I knew I was supposed to do?'. No certainty that you will succeed with that chosen girl if you try it (life always have a way to keep things interesting), but at least you will know it, and will get detailed reference point to learn from for the next time... And then with reference points in your heart you get back to this site and check items out - oh I missed escalation, but I didn't fail to get early investement. This way you feel pain for missing that fucking escalation window so deep in your heart that you will most likely not miss it next time. This is the role bad emotions actually have. To show yourself where your weaknesses are. Once you get this down and get some success you can say yourself "I am great, because I did it, and if I stay on track I have potential to get better than Chase Amante.".

But only then.

And then if you start, one day you will ask yourself: What the heck I was waiting for that long, wasn't I just a little crazy average freak? ;)

But don't think I'm somehow telling you to go out and do the thing. You got those motivational stuff through your mind A LOT, but you don't start, because you're just comfortable in your mediocrity. Isn't that bad? I don't know what's better to you. When you don't do it, you have the reason to do it, but unless you try just a little bit of approaching (which has no real social consequences unless you overstep some real boundaries like slapping girls ass in public place even before she sees you or doing other really weird stuff everyone even Chase would advise you against to), unless you really try to approach some girls you won't know for sure how it would have been. And even when you do it and fail - this is not the end of the road. It's more of the shitty start, like for most people trying to figure out stuff.

I would love to have taken action. I should have been acting years ago, and after countless expressions of interest from strangers. Unfortunately my ego hasn't been only fragile but quite bruised from life in general and thus I simply would have been unable to put up with rejection for long as the attraction I've been able to garner is the little thread I've been hanging onto. Kind of sad eh. Yeah I know it. If I'd been able to fix it or get past it , if I knew how to I would have long ago.

First off, I would like to say how much I've learned from this site and all the useful information you give to all guys out there. This site is truly a one of a kind for the kind of material guys like me look for when seeking advice about handling fundamentals with girls.

I do have one pressing question I would like to ask... I'm a pretty good looking guy I'm often told and can handle myself well thanks to the lessons I've learned from this site. From the motivation I've received from here, I took the courage to approach this girl at my local gym and asked her out. Granted, it wasn't the smoothest of exchanges I've had but I could tell she was eyeing me before and her demeanor showed that she was open to being approached. We've been going out for the past month now and things have gone fairly well. I understand your guys' view on moving fast with women but I'm a religious person and so is she so we both believe in waiting until marriage for sex. Our last couple of dates have gone well with her practically getting on top of me while cuddling and holding me tight while we watched movies so I know that interest is there. My question is that when you feel confident about wanting a relationship, should you be the one to initiate a DTR so to speak? I've never been in an official relationship before but that's because I am very choosy despite have multiple girls interested (again, not to toot my own horn but to detail the scenario here) In the past when I've hung out with girls with a girls for awhile, they are usually the ones to hint at where we stand and I can tell they're the ones that want something. But with this girl I'm seeing, I can tell she's not one to be bold like that but yet we hold hands and cuddle and act as though we are a couple at times. Do I bring up a DTR with her or do relationships usually just become assumed when you go out with someone for so long? I don't want her to think I'm not interested by not talking about where we stand but also, I feel it might be a bit much to press something like that after going out for only a month.

Hi guys,

I credit most of my success in approaching to your articles, so I would like to share two realizations that made me approach girls and... live the life + process of success.

Two realizations:
1. I am just one of many people in this world.
2. Overnight transformations is fool's business, real changes are gradual.

If interested - read further, I will break down each other below:

1st realization is about admitting the fact that I am just like other people. Not that much different from them, no matter what I do, or what they do.
Because we all:
* have fragile lives - we can lose everything in moment's notice
* become nervous with too much of uncertainty - we fear the things we don't know
* have desires and needs - we all have needs that must be fulfilled or we get frustrated
* get lazy - for resting purposes or just getting bored
* have dreams - we all want interesting lives
It actually removed most of my nonsense in my head like:
* If they ignore my stuff, they ignore ME
* They must recognize how special I am, because this is ME
* They all are really interested with what I feel
* People need to hear my latest brags.
* All girls are there to make ME miserable.
As I started to watch myself as the one of many people I lost sense of entitlement and many shitty ideas of specialness. This way I see the world in much different light which I suppose is closer to reality.
This way because of feeling mad at my colleagues who do worse on projects I noticed my mistakes - I was bragging much about my success and making them feel miserable so they see me as a man who tries to put them down and they defend.
Main takeaway from here: Learn to put yourself into shoes of another person, recognize the background they come from, and if they don't give you time it's not about you being bad. It's either you present yourself wrong way or they simply are too busy with other pursuits.
Result: Most of approach anxiety gone, as I still trying to figure out most stuff, I don't feel like talking with super princesses, but with people like me, who as girls have a little bit different needs. I don't need a strong girl, but she needs a strong man. She doesn't extremely beautiful eyes of a man, but I need cute girl. Our needs are similar at some parts, but different at others. I never should put my picture of how the world should work on them, unless I can really convince them. But they can go out and do exact opposite - it's not me to regulate their lives. It's far better to figure out what they truly need behind the curtain of what they are supposed to say they need.

2nd realization is the true dynamite for taking action. Most of the time I read similar blogs I imagined myself as a man who is miserable as hell on Tuesday, but is a man of charm on Wednesday. I tried to make myself look as miserable as I can for girls of my social circle, bragging all the time about how shitty I am, but then reading articles like yours, learning some concepts and... Hoping to prove them one day how I have changed overnight and became a charming man. That's really how I thought.
And maybe this is not that bad. But actually what I had to admit through studying my life and lives of other successful/miserable people. The pattern I recognized that stands out is: miserable people wait for overnight transformations while successful people work to improve gradually. This may be not that conscious decision, but by every day actions they prove what they want. It was such an eye opener to me that the moment I realized it I felt like hit by a thunder, absolutely shocked.

This 2nd realization led me to develop simple process of approaching skills (and girls):
1. Once you start forget results and develop the sense of "I am the guy who does approaching". I tossed away desire to make the first girl I meet to want to sleep with me in minutes and said to myself: "I am not approaching, so I must make myself to be the guy who approaches girls". That's it. No goal, just a guy who walks up to girl and either compliments her, or says simple "Hello" and to hell with what happens after - I will have time to analyze it after the interaction ends, now it's time to do the thing.
This step was the thing that made me approach and get field experience. I am so glad for it.
2. Make approaching a habit, not a competition. It's not about approaching 100 girls by December 31. It's about approaching some girls every weekend.
3. Don't wait for confidence. Again, no special moments of transformation that make you to man suddenly. Either you improve gradually or you don't.
4. Pick concepts one after another. Like "get early investement" and apply to everything, fail a lot, apply it to your social circle like "the moment I start talking to girl I will make her move with me to another place at least some meters from where we met". Learn concept-by-concept is far better than expecting everything to play out somehow.
5. Embrace fear and failures:
* Failures is something that make the story more interesting, because easy stories are never that empowering. I would respect the man who approached 2000 girls and got 1500 rejections than man who did 5 approaches and got rejected once. They are learning experiences, you get more to analyze and learn as you fail a lot.
* Fear is the thing that shows you where you need to get improvement, what part of game you must tackle. Fear is the thing that shows that you care, so you have potential to succeed in it. Fear is the thing that makes you not miserable, but impatient guy who finally puts his time to figure out what the problem is and get rid off it. Fear is self-protection mechanism, to save you from doing too dumb things, so you should be glad to be fearful about stepping to the street and getting hit by random car or so on - and it makes sense, because without fear you would be dead already.
6. Forget that overnight transformations stuff. This is not about that lottery you win, it's about what you daily do. You may land a hot girl as you girlfriend (win the lottery) by simply getting into right circumstances, BUT if you don't have mastered your consistent daily habits, sooner than later she will see how miserable you are and break up with you, cause it was only matter of circumstances that led you to her bed. The same with job you get: you may get that job you dream about without skills, just by looking like you have them, but once you get to work everyone will see that you don't have the skills you need, and fire you. Who will be to blame? They for not seeing how "nice and good" you are...? How would you look at such person yourself? This was so painful to realize for me. But after that it brought me genuine happiness.
7. Just do the thing and learn. Results, confidence and effortlessness comes later. It's not about being perfectly ready - it's about getting out and doing the thing.

Main takeaway: Stop believing in overnight transformations. It's not about that one special moment, it's about habits you daily employ. Once you start: develop sense of "I am the guy who does it", not results.
Result: No more waiting for special moment, scheduling some fundamentals to get down and finally getting on the field.

So the first times I really approached was like this: Go and say her that you think she's pretty. That's it. No matter how it goes after it. What really shocked me, that I couldn't apply sniper game that well as I expected:
* The girls I expected to react well were cold on me.
* The girls I expected to reject me outright were the ones who gave me the best chances I could ever imagine.

Tricky and weird? Nah, I think it's interesting and empowering.

Great post, Chase. I just hope I'll finally start taking action soon. Haven't been to a bar or club for a while, and I haven't tried to cold approach since a couple failed outings a year ago.

I have problems i been working on and I need a Lil help. I have problems making a move at the right time and bring assertive. Do u think i need to just start going out and firing at every attractive girl and keep grinding it out or just play conservative and finesse my way in