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I covered one
side of the "your responsibilities in your
relationship" spectrum in "A Failed Relationship is a Failure of
Leadership."
Now let’s talk about the other side.
I see a lot of men busting their behinds to keep their girlfriends happy, entranced, and entertained, to the point where they seem to be treating their relationships like a full time job – in addition to whatever else they do during the day when they’re not with their girlfriends.
These men are all too aware that keeping their woman happy and their relationship strong is their responsibility, yet they go about doing it in taxing and inefficient ways.
In fact, some of the men who pour gargantuan amounts of energy into keeping their women happy still fail the leadership test, because leading your relationship is not about immersing your partner in non-stop stimulation to keep her distracted, sated, and engaged.
And if you are doing this, you are doing it wrong – not to mention needlessly expending barrels of energy you could be using for something more productive than trying to win over a girlfriend again and again who probably would respect you more if you didn’t.
Comments
I need your advice!!!
Hey Chase!
Thanks for all the enlightening posts here! Really my life is changing towards the better since stumbling here on GirlsChase!
I need your advice!!!
I am a Greek that moved in Vienna to study about two weeks ago and have done some approaches here! Yesterday I approached a very hot girl (dirty blond, blue eyes, very cute expressions), we talked for 2-3 minutes and then agreed to grab a coffee sometime and gave me her number. About almost an hour later, I texted her an initial message that it was a pleasure to meet her. Today I texted her in order to set up a date and this is what she responded:
"Hi! It's kind of you to write. I was very flattered and startled yesterday - such a thing never happened before - but I will be honest, I am not looking for anything right now. No offense, I hope you'll understand and get to enjoy Vienna!"
How would you respond in this occasion?! Any help from you or any of the guys from GirlsChase (as I understand you must be pretty busy) is much appreciated!
Many thanks!
Cheers,
D from Greece
bro.....I think your problem
bro.....I think your problem was that u texted too soon.
but then sometimes...the chick was just out to flirt.....n nothing more. Its ok bro, no one has a 100% hit rate.
Just rinse, wipe off and repeat.
All the Best!
Porn
I never watch porn ( and never will after having the articles on porn)
But what about moaning/ orgasm sounds?
Is it harmful just to listen to those only ??? No image?
Will it have the same effect as porn, just listening to those, imagining
there from the girl you are having sex with??
Fairly New At the Dating Game
Chase,
I'm a sophomore in college who has just gotten out of a three-year relationship. As a result, I'm a bit rusty when it comes to picking up girls, although your site has been a tremendous help, and has allowed me to find some modest success despite being at a fairly early stage of the breakup phase. So I'd first like to thank you for your advice and expertise! It's made quite an impact on my life.
My question has to do with workload and pacing. How many girls should someone pursue at once? At what point is one stretching himself out too thin? At what point should someone give up perisistance and use his energy more efficiently on other girls? How many phone numbers a week should be attained? Do the answers to these questions change with one's proficiency?
Put simply, I'd like to know how to pace myself and avoid burnout. Getting girls to chase is a surprisingly high-energy activity, and I feel it would be worth knowing how to use that energy most efficiently.
Load Balancing
Anon-
This is going to be different for everyone, because each guy has differing amounts of other involvements competing for his energy, different levels of effort and emotional investment put into the various women he's pursuing, and what his priorities are.
Good rule of thumb: if other areas of your life are starting to suffer (not getting enough sleep or falling behind on projects are giveaways), that can mean you're investing too much time into girls.
I'd also recommend when you're starting out to be wary of investing too much time into any one girl, unless you're already in a committed sexual relationship with her. Otherwise, keep moving, and meeting new women - this'll generally prevent them from sucking up too much of your focus, too (nothing more draining than being hung up on one girl you can't get but are spending night and day trying to).
Chase
What do you do when GF makes fun of you in front of friends.
My girlfriend is always nice with me when we're alone. But she is a very funny and sharp witted girl. Sometimes when we are out with friends I feel like she gets a little insecure about the attention I get from other girls and she will say little rude things about me or make jokes about me. I just shrug these off because I see them as jealosy and plus we are in front of our friends and I don't want to make it an issue there. So how do you correct or avoid this kind of behavior from her?
It's In Her Nature
"So how do you correct or avoid this kind of behavior from her?"
Shit-testing, or 'potential-alpha-mate-gene-testing', will never go away.
The last thing you want her to do is say negative things about you in front of other people. Perhaps that is her way of mate-guarding.
Strangely enough, that fact that other women are attracted to you, in front of her, makes you that much more attractive to her. Pre-selection and all that.
If you wanted to end that, "GF makes fun of me in front of friends." stuff, you could call her out right in front of everyone on her bad behavior (you must hold frame like a motherfucker) or withdraw your time and affection to punish her. It's not easy, but not all relationships are.
I'm sure Chase and the others can give you some great advice as well.-d
Calling a Girlfriend Out
+1 to DCL's comment here.
Start by speaking with her to the side first, so as not to embarrass her or launch into an open fight that's only going to make both of you look foolish ("Hey, please don't talk to me like that in front of my friends; I don't do that to you in front of yours, and I'd appreciate you not being snippy toward me in front of mine").
If she does it again, say something to your friends like, "I can't take her anywhere," and if she persists after that, end the night and take her home. Then just don't invite her out with your friends for a while, and tell her 'no' if she asks for a while, telling her you've asked her repeatedly to behave herself in front of your friends and she can't, so you can't take her with you when you go to meet your friends. After enough time passes, you can tell her she can come out again IF she behaves herself... but watch her like a hawk after that.
Also pay attention to your own behavior: are you making her feel like an outsider when with friends? Are you including her in discussions and making her feel involved? Or is she just kind of there to the side while you talk and laugh with your buddies? If you're bringing her along but making her feel like a third wheel, she may see "bust on Anon to gain acceptance from the boys" as her only viable option for feeling like a part of the group, so this may actually be your doing (remediable by simply getting her more involved, which you should be doing if you're going to bring her along in the first place).
Chase
The lion episode was great!!
The lion episode was great!!
Got Me Thinking
I have been thinking about mate-guarding recently.
I knew that the 'jealousy behavior' was not a good idea but once I read that trying to overstimulate her senses was another kind of mate guarding, damn man, I thought immediately about my most recent ex. I did that exact same thing.
Setting a new relationship precedent is something I never got down in the past. Or at least with women I valued more than myself. I was always consumed with NRE (new relationship energy) and too clouded to think about setting rules, having standards and creating expectations for myself and my partner.
The energy level idea is great. That makes sense. I tried to keep up with a party girl, it was exhausting, and get this, I stopped seeing her for another girl. A girl I had big oneitis for. (I hate writing that word) Guess how that worked out...yep.
It is actually quite therapeutic to read articles like this one Chase. I start thinking of my past relationship experiences and instead of getting mad I am able to look at my mistakes more clearly and bit more objectively. I have a better understanding of how women are and try not to focus too much on their character flaws. It is just the way they are.
You got me thinking, thanks. -dcl
Be The Prize
BE THE PRIZE.
You are a man. You are the prize.
Make her impress you and then make her wait anyway. That's what the prize does, and since you're the prize, it's congruent for you to expect to be won over and not vice versa.
Increasing My Value
Hey Drexel
That mindset shift from, chasing her to 'I'm the prize' has really helped me with framing myself, not just around women I want to bang or have a relationship with, but, also around at the office that hires me, for my new job. Pretty much all female.
It also helped that, because of my age and gender, I am valued more in my field, in my province. At one time, in a meeting, I had three female coordinators pitching there clients to me. I took all three (need the money and the experience).
I have even had to turn down potential new clients. I had never done anything like that before. It was interesting and liberating. I had never been in a position like that.
My point is, I'm increasing my value. I'm 'bringing something to the table' so to speak. If you actually create value in your life, the mindset shift from, chasing her to 'I'm the prize' I much easier and can up your Game in no time.
Good call Drex.-d
Not just your girlfriend, but
Not just your girlfriend, but all girls in fact.
Something i have notice lately is that i still try to impress and win over people, especially girls.
This article opens my eyes a bit more.
Even though i have slowed down the "impress and win over everybody", i still do it, but this time i am aware of it and i am stopping it.
Another excellent article :)
Though i gotta ask something.
When i go out with a girl at a cafe or at a park bench, all of the time i am waiting for her to sit down first and than for me to place myself right next to her.
Sometimes a girl would suggest that i sit across her and i comply ( this is minus points here i guess )
So next time i am with a girl, at a cafe, a park bench, or at my home:
-Should i wait for her to sit down first and place myself next to her?
-Should i sit down first and it won`t matter where she sits down?
-Should i sit down first and command her to sit next to me ?
Or what else ?
What are your thoughts on this one Chase.
Sitting
Anon-
Sit down first yourself, and then either very casually tell her to come sit next to you if she moves to sit across from / away from you, or (if she's really buried herself deep into a booth), get up and move next to her, telling her you feel like you're on the other side of the ocean from her.
Chase
Leadership
How to finally become a person who doesn't need help others all the time? It's easy to say 'do as much as you can on your own' kind of thing, but I expect you have even more insights on this :-). It's impossible to be a leader if you have to rely on others all the time, cause you need to make your own desicions.
Help
Anon-
You mean "need help FROM others", correct? (think there was a conjunction missing in the first sentence; I initially read it as "need TO help others" and thought you meant you were spending too much time trying to rescue everybody)
Well, a leader isn't a leader without people helping him, in fact. Without people he's relying on to do their jobs, he's just one man, apart. Good example if you've seen Lord of the Rings is Aragorn as a wandering ranger (not a leader), then later as the king-to-be (leader). The difference is as the ranger he needs no one and is responsible for no one, while as the future king he is responsible for everyone and must rely upon many to fulfill their roles.
If you're having difficulty with decision-making, check out this article: "How to Be Decisive."
Chase
quick question
Is it good to tell for a girl that once you was an emotional mess? When she says "you're so composed and interesting".
Once I Was...
Anon-
This can be fine to tell her deep into a relationship, but I wouldn't go saying this during the initial courtship / seduction.
Instead, during that phase, when she says, "You're so composed and interesting," respond with, "Thank you."
Chase
Chase, your comment to your
Chase,
your comment to your last question was interesting and brought up something; women love arrogant men. Now is a part of arrogance bragging, because I do not want to do any bragging becuase then I would have to talk about myself and I want to remain a little mysterious, make her work to get to know me. So what other things can I do or is there a certain vibe I can just use to appear more arrogant?
Thanks for all your hard work, your site changed my life!
Bragging
lgsgkd-
Bragging can be okay if it's done humorously and in small doses. Otherwise, it's off-putting and kills both value and attainability (you are both self-absorbed, and showing too much false confidence).
Chase
Damn Chase when did you start
Damn Chase when did you start juggling, should be your new pic.
Also, just looked at the top and realized my comments number was #36194, Chase answers almost every comment.
dead.jpg
Senseless Comment
Your comment makes little to no sense. No, Chase and the rest of the Girlschase contributors ignore childish, senseless comments like yours.
Racking Up Reference Points & Being Interesting
Hey Chase & Dave,
And anyone else who wants to comment your advise is welcomed. If you don't have time to read all this then scroll down to the end of my post/comment where I have my questions listed.
Today I joined a conversation with a big group of guys at school in hopes of speaking with them. When I joined in, and all persons were standing up, they were discussing the latest football matches. In depth and breadth dissecting the game from start to finish and making the occasional joke.
I stood there listening and thinking "damn what do I say? I didn't even see the game and I don't know anything about the teams"
The next 15 minutes I stood there, almost invisible because the group had grown. The cool vibes there just attracted other students to hang with the group. And I said next to nothing.
What I Learnt
I Learnt that my two biggest weaknesses are:
1) Not having any interests which means I have nothing to talk about. The most I can do is ask people questions when I just meet them. Not being well rounded on a wide variety of subjects is beating me for six. The guys went on to talking about:
Sports
Girls
Technology
Music
The latest fashion statements
E.t.c....
And I knew NOTHING SO WAS UNABLE TO RELATE.
2) I don't find people really interesting like those guys who are always peeling layers off people to find out what makes them tick. I will talk to people and no matter what they have accomplished I don't find it interesting. So relating to them on what interests them is next to impossible. What makes it worse is the two points here.
Not finding anything interesting, except music makes me not interested in relating to people on those stuff they find interesting. Vice Versa. Not finding what people do interesting makes me less interested in knowing about the subject so I end up not knowing anything about it. So I'll end up in a group and keeping quiet.
The Truth
I grew up with very strict parents who didn't allow me to go to any functions, parties, and sports events unlike my peers. Music was something I didn't grow up listening to, it's only recently that I have begun listening to music.
Because of this revelation, I have made it my duty to learn something new everyday on a different topic. Everyone is on social media. Might as well join so I can better relate to them right? I joined:
Plenty of Fish
Tinder
Facebook
Twitter
Google Hangouts
Whatsapp
Instagram...
And I'm going to join a few more too. I downloaded so many apps on my phone today to send me daily information on every topic you can imagine. The problem is I don't genuinely enjoy what I'm doing.
I didn't even grow up watching movies. Movies is something I do find interesting. So to catch up, I watch at least three movies every week. But...
All This Feels Like Studying
At the same time I'm doing all these activities I have to be constantly rethinking what I learnt. If I watch a movie I'll have to be looking out for the fun the fun stuff and trying to memorize them. So that when I end up talking to someone I can tell them a joke based on the movie for example.
I don't have a problem remembering things that interest me deeply. It's only stuff that I barely find interesting. The stuff on here interests me so I could easily have a conversation with someone telling them jokes and facts I learnt on here. So too for some music selections. Everything else? ITS LIKE IM BACK IN SCHOOL STUDYING FOR A TEST... AND I HATE STUDYING STUFF THAT AIN'T FUN.
What to Study to Give Results
At school ( and elsewhere ) girls and guys alike know all about what's trending, what's hot and what's not, latest gossip, and every celebrity. The thing with topics with these is that it changes everyday which means I'll always have to be 100% plugged into the all this stuff. To me that's wasteful since soon after people stop talking about it. Which means it isn't applicable to long term conversation topics. So what would be the more stable things to learn for long-term that would maximize my results?
Talk Less, Listen More
This is something I see being advised to shy persons like myself. Being shy isn't a flaw though if it is used properly. The only flaw with advice like this is that for a quiet person they are already baptised from head to toe in this belief. They already talk less and listen more. Listening so much that a onlooker would think they are eavesdropping lol.
So please, I would prefer to get some steps on talking more, not less. Talking less made me keep silent and failing to get success. While the talkative guys walked away with the girl I wanted all along.
Rap Up
So to review all this: the main points are:
1) I don't find people really interesting
2) I don't find most topics interesting
3) I've already begun taking on more interests: joining most social media sites, having the apps on my smartphone, reading about a new topic everyday.
4) I need advise on talking more not less
Questions
1) How do I begin to find people interesting?
2) How do I become interested in a wide variety of subjects? Even the ones I think are boring other guys enjoy?
3) What would be the best types of topics to learn to use long-term in conversation? Unlike gossip and trends that change often
4) How to easily remember stuff from movies and daily happenings and turn them into jokes?
That's All. Any criticism, comments and recommendations is appreciated. Thanks
Troy
Nice one Troy, I'd like to be friends with you
Troy,
I read your comment in details. I face a similar challenge because I had strict parents too, to make matters worse I studied in a single school. That has really affected the way I relate with the opposite sex. But the truth is there are things you need to experience by yourself not just by making it educational, trying to read articles on how to improve our social lives. The more you read, the more you miss out. If you want to improve on your language skills, you have to talk more and relate more. We need to come out of our comfort zone, try new things, be adventurous. Only then will we find life more interesting.
Never give all the Heart By
Never give all the Heart
By William Butler Yeats
Never give all the heart, for love
Will hardly seem worth thinking of
To passionate women if it seem
Certain, and they never dream
That it fades out from kiss to kiss;
For everything that’s lovely is
But a brief, dreamy, kind delight.
O never give the heart outright,
For they, for all smooth lips can say,
Have given their hearts up to the play.
And who could play it well enough
If deaf and dumb and blind with love?
He that made this knows all the cost,
For he gave all his heart and lost.
;)
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