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Social Commentary

Do Seducers Seek Women's Approval?

seeking female approval
If you go out to flirt and talk with women, and you set up dates, and have sex, does that mean what you’re really after is female approval? Well, yes and no.

There is this argument that resurfaces every so often from the MGTOW/MRA/incel crowd. The argument is that by approaching women, flirting with them, asking them out, and sleeping with them, you are engaged in approval-seeking behavior. A seducer is the ultimate 'approval seeker', by this logic, because he devotes even more time to seeking out women to date and bed than an ordinary guy.

It's an interesting argument.

At its core, there is truth. There's a fair bit of approval seeking among some chunks of dating men. And in general, any public activity you engage in to any extent involves at least a little approval seeking.

Speaking to another human is always going to be a form of approval speaking: you want this other human to acknowledge (and approve of) your thoughts, perspectives, point of view. (If you don't think that's the case, then find me one person who has no reaction when his thoughts or perspectives are rejected and mocked by another individual. Such a man is very rare.)

You want to feel (in the language of today's progressives) validated (approved of) by others.

Male vs. Female Mating Motivations Laid Bare

female mating motivations
You might think men and women approach mating in similar ways. And on some aspects they do. On others, they're very different.

We live in a world where we're constantly told men and women are interchangeable and that men's wants are women's wants and women's wants are men's. In some cases for some things this is true... but in many cases and for many things it isn't.

The trouble this error-filled belief system can lead to is multi-layered. If you have a girlfriend, a female friend, a friend-with-benefits, or wife you think is "just like you" whom you think thinks about things "just like I do" and whom you believe wants "all the same things I do", you'll be a lot more open to and uncritical toward her suggestions. That's fine for things where there is no conflict of interest between your and her life and mating motivations.

Where there is conflict, however, her positions may quickly mislead you... without you, if you hold this "men and women are basically the same and largely interchangeable" philosophy, even fully realizing you've allowed yourself to be misled.

It's crucial for your power and sanity as a man to realize that while a good woman's advice can often be prudent, it isn't always... and that there are differences between male and female motivations, and you must always keep these in mind.

You need to know when sex differences enter into play. And you need to be wary of when the counsel you receive may be biased against what is truly in your interests due to competing sexual interests.

Does Sex Damage Women's Long-Term Potential?

sex damage women
Do you make a woman worse as a future girlfriend, wife, or mother when you go to bed with her? Many people think you do.

On my article about player guilt, Ben asked:

Could  you address the final issue that you bring- that sleeping with women  damages their ability to have long term relationships?

You made a fairly convincing case that emotionally, assuming you are  going to flirt and go out and attract women, not sleeping with them  isn't doing them any favors.

Maybe we really shouldn't be going out and flirting with most girls  (excluding the ones who need an emotional escape or similar i guess)  from an emotional standpoint?

More importantly though, how do you justify flirting with girls then  sleeping with them, knowing it damages their ability to have long term  relationships? This bothers me more than the emotional aspect.

-ben

The issue he's talking about was where I paraphrased some 'web wisdom' thrown about about women. Some of it says sex is liberating to women. Some says sex is violent, oppressive, and patriarchal. Some say sex is empowering. Some say it ruins women for the long-term. Those aren't my opinions; they are however common tropes you will run into on the Internet.

Ben's question, though, is one worth exploring... particularly as it ties into the concept of player guilt (which that article Ben commented on was about). If you sleep with a woman, are you damaging her future potential as a girlfriend, wife, and mother?

A growing movement online seems to have arrived at the conclusion "yes, sex damages women's futures."

The men who arrive at this conclusion though follow a chain of logic that proceeds thus:

  1. Women with higher numbers of sex partners are, on average, worse partners and mothers

  2. Therefore, when men have sex with women, they degrade women's abilities to be competent partners and mothers

While we do have plenty of evidence that women are less faithful the more partners they have, and we've all heard anecdotes of irresponsible man-crazy single mothers ditching their kids to chase the homme du jour, there's a big causal jump between those two points. This casual leap of faith is where guys trip themselves up.

That is to say, women with high partner counts are (on average) worse as mothers and partners. This is true.

Yet their partner counts are a symptom of what makes them worse in these roles -- partner count is not the cause.

And when you take a woman to bed, you are also not 'the cause'.

Getting Past Player Guilt (and Not Beating Yourself Up Over Casual Sex)

player guilt
As long as you don’t give false expectations, you need not suffer from player guilt. In fact, denying her sex when she wants it is NOT the way to spare her feelings.

If you're a man, you'd be forgiven for getting mixed up by all the mixed messages society sends you about casual sex. You've probably heard all the following:

  • "Casual sex is liberating! We must break the bonds of social restrains on sexuality! Let's enjoy our sexuality, and be free!"

  • "Casual sex results from a power imbalance between men and women. Women are forced to trade sex to men sooner than they want to, in the hopes of securing a relationship. It puts women in a difficult spot where it's easy to get hurt."

  • "Casual sex is one of the most empowering acts a woman can engage in. By embracing her sexuality, a woman can learn to love herself, and stop being dependent on how others think of her."

  • "Casual sex is highly damaging to women, and the casual sex epidemic is doing long-term damage to women's self-esteem and ability to form long-term partnerships."

You're alternately a saint and a devil, a savior and a corrupter for engaging in any intimacy with women you know won't lead to marriage.

Of course, the fact is, humans have sex. And they don't always have sex for marriage. If there are a lot of available sexual partners, many humans will have sex with many of them. This is true regardless of location or era. It is true in the West, and it is true in the East. It is true now, it was true 100 years ago, and it was true 5,000 years ago.

The issue is, if you want to be a player, and you want to feel free to indulge in physical intimacy with women who want to enjoy that intimacy with you, how do you get past any feelings of wrongheadedness about this, or guilt?

Anti-Slut Defense: Why Women Want Sex but Act Like They Don’t

anti-slut defense
For a woman, being promiscuous can be socially devastating, so she employs “anti-slut defense” to maintain a perception of purity, even if she wants to have sex with you.

Hi, guys. Today we will discuss theories of anti-slut defense – a key subject in pickup and seduction.

We’ve discussed anti-slut defense on multiple occasions – covering both what it is, what it looks like, and more importantly, how to deal with it. In this post, we will get theoretical. I will get more detailed into what it is, and especially – where it comes from.

Before we get into that, let’s explain what it is to our new readers. Hopefully it may serve as a recap to those who are more experienced.

How to Stop Sucking and Become a Better Man

becoming a better man
Do you suck? Probably. Is there a way to not suck? Absolutely! These 5 steps will put you on the road to becoming a better man and sucking way less.

How to become a better man. It’s a question very few of us ask, and why would we?

What is a “man,” anyway? What is “better?” Better than what? Because if we don’t define this, then why would we improve upon it?

 

What Does “Better” Mean?

Can a tree become a better tree? Yes – if it grows, it develops flowers, nuts, and fruit, which feed life. Can gold become better gold? If it’s polished, it can be more beautiful; if it’s shaped, more useful (though the latter is subjective, since gold is only useful for people).

So to become a better man, you must grow and improve: physically, spiritually, socially, intellectually, so you may be more beautiful and useful.

Why? Because the stronger, smarter, and more powerful we are – the happier we are. We’re happiest when we’re growing, improving, and useful. If you’re depressed, sad, or angry, then you’re definitely not “better,” since this is a degradation in state (maybe unless you’re in a goth grind-core band).

Bonus: the better you are, the hotter the women you’ll attract.

What Caused the Trust Collapse Between Women and Men?

men women trustA recent article on loneliness exploded to the top of Hacker News (the Reddit-like programming and entrepreneurship newsboard). The article clearly struck a chord. The thrust of the article was that the decline of the family has led to an epidemic of lonely people.

In the comment section below the article, a reader had this to say:

After numerous attempts to find a reasonable/semi-normal female "life-companion" I gave up at 50. I tried to overlook the hostility and conceit they had towards men in general at first, until neurosis and personality disorders would reveal themselves later - if the relationship got that far. I felt like I was in a competition and she was determined to "win".

It's many things, but the enmity and distrust that feminism has caused between men and women is by far the most significant contributor. Men are the "enemy" that must be defeated. Why are the majority of homeless white men? They surrendered.

It's a sentiment that seems to be bursting out of the stitches among more and more people. Women express similar sentiments as often as men -- this isn't a purely male issue.

At the core of it, the real center of the issue, is the cultural phenomenon of 'trust collapse'.

The great tragedy of our time is this breakdown in trust between the people... and, particular to this website's mission, the breakdown in trust between the sexes. When the sexes trust each other, anything is possible. When they do not, society comes undone at the seams.

The sexes have battled throughout history; a little tension is nothing new. Yet rarely does the fight grow as embittered as it's today become.

Today more and more women are distrustful toward men. They worry there are rapists behind every tree. They opine that women are paid less than men (and thus, implicitly undervalued). They jump when a stranger approaches, or chide men not to walk up to them in the first place. At the same time, they wonder where the good men have gone, and instruct men that now that they are ready to marry, it's time for those men to be ready too.

Just as women's trust in men has crumbled, so too has men's in women. Many men fear false accusations of harassment (described as "sometimes just a different perspective" in this article), false accusations of sexual assault, or false accusations of rape. Men with good careers walk on eggshells around female colleagues, wary not to become easy prey for unscrupulous corporate climbers (all a woman has to do is say a man did something to her, the same way the football player feigns injury to penalize his opponent and benefit his own team). Many men fear the power women wield in marriage courts, and the loss of their children and assets and lives in the event of a divorce. Some swear off marriage under current Western law; others swear off dating entirely. In a recent 'sexual harassment backlash' survey by the very feminist Lean In organization, 60% of male managers report now being uncomfortable mentoring, working alone with, or socializing outside of work with female employees.

While not everyone has caught it as bad as the more sensitive (and paranoid) among us, everyone has felt it to some extent. And plenty have felt it to large extent... between 2008 and 2018, a mere 10 year gap, the number of 18-29 year old men not having sex in America rocketed up from 10% of them to a whopping 28%.

As the relations between the sexes have increasingly frayed, more and more individuals have come out as preferring their own same sex instead. That number increased by 17% in only four years, between 2012 and 2016. Among millennials, in 2012, 5.8% were homosexual; just four years later, in 2016, a full 7.3% were out of the closet (so much for the ol' "only 1-2% of the population is gay" chestnut you used to hear, huh?). And the fertility rate in the U.S. hits new all-time lows pretty much every year.

How do make heads or tails of all this?

What is happening to the mating market in the West?

Is there any sense we can make of this at all, or is it all just a bunch of unfathomable deep civilizational processes, layers beneath layers, impossible to peel back?

Well, we're going to peel the layers back. And we'll see if we can arrive at an understanding of just what's afoot in all these tremors we've felt in the modern mating market.

Fortunately, there are white polished stones that lead the way us to follow. Let's see where those stones lead.

The Game Never Ends

seduction game goes on
Cherish the grind, the journey of achieving your goals. Enjoy the struggle and hope it never ends, because your worst fear should be having everything you desire.

Many years ago, I lamented my lack of ability to attract 9s and 10s. I posted about this on a forum, and a black ex-pimp dating coach named “Player Supreme” made a podcast about it. He gave me a great insight that nobody else could or would say.

“You’re not 9 and 10 material.”

Ouch.

His advice was simple. Stop studying, go to the gym, lift, increase my income, and lower my standards.

That’s not what Tony Robbins would say!

Well, I went to the gym, but I never got huge. I started my own business, and I’m still not rich. I have really great game but still can’t get 9s and 10s with the consistency of a Vampire or Rock Star.

But my life is pretty great in comparison to that guy who just wanted to bang a 9. Been there, done that – many times. And the only aspect of this journey I can correlate to this is age and experience. The more you play, the better you get.

But you know, looking back, what he was saying makes perfect sense. If you want a 9, become a 9. (Side note: we all know there’s no such thing as a 10.)

Player Supreme was saying not to chase the girls who are out of your league, but rather become the guy who is out of their league, and combine that with game.

Now my goals are much simpler. I want:

Check, check, check, and check.

So enough about me. Let's talk about how you can set standards – realistic standards – to help you achieve your goals?

Tactics Tuesdays: Getting Free of Local Dating Norms

dating norms
Every group or society has norms it expects members to follow. These norms extend to dating and romance as well. But what if you aren't from the same norm group?

I've done quite a bit of travel and lived in a variety of places, all very different from each other, with people who were all quite different too. Everywhere I have gone, I have encountered many men who told me the women in whatever city or country I was in were 'traditional' and 'hard to get anywhere with'. Often I would have men telling me this after I had already quickly slept with several normal, local women, with normal dating histories (not wild party girls, sluts, or 'exceptions to the rule'). I never want to rub it in a guy's face, so usually I will just say "Well, the girls here seem pretty normal and not too uptight to me."

I am not the only guy this happens to. Everywhere I've lived or traveled for any good amount of time, for every 10 guys I meet who tell me the women there are 'difficult' or 'traditional', I'll meet at least one man who tells me the women there are unbelievably easy. Often these guys sleep with multiple new women a week, oblivious to the guys who spend months or years without girlfriends or lays.

I could spend 10 posts unpacking the differences between the 'girls here are hard to get' guys and the 'girls here are so easy' guys... and in many ways, this website is devoted to just this mission.

Today though, I want to talk about one specific wrinkle of the successful guys' success: playing dumb on dating norms.