Should You Be Lovers… or Friends? | Girls Chase

Should You Be Lovers… or Friends?

friends or loversWhile growing up, women always meant one thing to me: girlfriend material. Women were always potential lovers; never once did it slip into my mind that I could be friends with them.

It wasn’t until I started racking up lovers that I felt the need to slot women into particular roles in my life. I couldn’t (and didn’t) want to sleep with every woman that came into my life, because some women ended up becoming a bigger headache than they were worth as lovers.

However, I began to realize the importance and utility that a mutual friendship could produce. High status women are excellent for social fulfillment, preselection, and they can help you get a closer look at how women act on a daily basis.

Unfortunately, I ran into quite the conundrum. I would harmlessly flirt with women, only to find myself sleeping with them and having our friendships break down. Women would seek sex from me, and I would give it to them, thinking we could still be friends afterwards.

After all, it was just sex.

As I quickly began to realize, I was ruining potential friendships and potential lovers by flipping in between definite roles. The relationships were in some weird middle of the road status, and things would become awkward in a hurry when neither of us knew how to proceed.

What was the underlying problem for me?

I wasn’t defining our relationships roles from the outset. The perpetual chaos that ensues in this situation works against producing stable relationships and causes them to break down. I lost plenty of women because of my indecisiveness, and you could too if you don’t know where each woman belongs in your life.

Ross LeonAbout the Author: Ross Leon

Ross Leon is a member of the Girls Chase Forums and an occasional contributor to Girls Chase. His focus is on body building, relationships, and personal self-development.

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Anonymous's picture

Dear Ross,
Found this article right when I needed it most. I'm confused and I need some help please.
I have the problem of an ill-defined relationship with a girl I really care about. We both talk almost daily. And were very emotionally connected. The problem however is that I've already told her I want her more than a friend. I've expressed my feelings. She has admitted to feeling the same way about me but she is confused, lost and doesn't know what she wants. When we talk about our feelings, she tries to avoid the subject, and says friends for now.
I don't know how to feel. When I'm into her, I have little satisfaction knowing I'll get her to be my girl, when I act like I don't give a sh*t anymore she drops the feelings bomb on me ever so smoothly that I beg to wonder whether I flip roles again and maker her my lover in case there's that chance.
What would be the right thing to do? I really like her, but I can't take all that drama. We both deserve peace at the end of the day. Should I work to make her my lover or keep her as a good friend?
P.s. The screening tests, she tested positive for more friends indicators than the lover indicators but to be honest I want her as both right now.

Kindly if you guys could help a young brother out here that would be great.

Ross Leon's picture


The primary reason why guys get stuck in such an awkward relationship is because they absolutely fail to do a few things correctly:

1) They simply don't move fast enough to define their role as a "lover"
2) They invest a lot in the girl, which indicates that they are chasing after her.
3) They become emotionally attached, or clingy, further communicating lack of experience and chasing.

She has slotted you into a friend category because of the above. The only way to escape such a zone is to move faster, become her lover, invest less in her, and be less emotionally attached. This relies a lot on having actual experiences where you practice moving faster, and eventually care less to the point where you're not clingy anymore, but it's a good idea to start working on these mindsets now.

May be too late for this situation, but I've seen crazier things happen. Just keep in mind that if she doesn't fit into your role of friend/lover and you find yourself increasingly investing too much in her, then it's a great idea to go out and get more options which will automatically decrease the amount of investment you are placing in her.

Anonymous's picture

Thanks for your input but tbh it's not all as simple as that... I will keep your breakdown in mind but after reading Chase's excellent view points on attraction and such before talking to her I thought I was doing it right. Goes to show that even if guidance is present, experience is the ultimate teacher.

Thanks for taking the time out to reply.

Chase Amante, the legend, and all the rest, keep doing what you're doing but please gather some centrally directed articles. There are contradictions not among authors but even among the same authors.

Ross Leon's picture


When a girl keeps you hanging around, like so,

"when I act like I don't give a sh*t anymore she drops the feelings bomb on me ever so smoothly that I beg to wonder whether I flip roles again and maker her my lover in case there's that chance."

She's aiming to provide you with enough hope and happiness that you stick around as a love option, even though you're just a friend. She's still firmly in power, and hell, she may be attracted, but the relationship won't develop into anything further because you are firmly placed in the friend zone.

To avoid getting in such a predicament, follow the suggestions I provided above - those will keep you out of the friend/potential boyfriend if nothing else works out zone, because you won't be chasing her and you won't be waiting around for her approval for a relationship - she'll be chasing after yours.

Marty's picture


What's wrong with past lovers??

I like classy, sophisticated women who look like they know what they're doing. Hard to get that way without having a portfolio of past lovers, no?


Ross Leon's picture

Hey Marty,

The nuances of why too many past lovers is a negative comes from the linked article - which has some scientific studies that show strong correlations between amount of past lovers and infidelity in a relationship.

That doesn't mean you can't have these girls in your life, but you'd be better off having them as lovers or perhaps even have an open relationship with them. Open relationships definitely work better with these women, as a relationship won't hold them back from engaging in sex with other opportunities as the relationship wears on.

CHAZ's picture

quote: "When you try to switch these roles, it just doesn’t work out."
This goes against what Chase Amante has recurrently taught us all.
He estblished the notion that as a "lover" one could easily move to the provider and/or friend status, mainly because you already slept with the giril!.
So what's up with the contradicting inconsistencies?
This is what happens when you let more than one voice communicate their knowledge. Too many cooks in the kitchen = no clear direction.

Zac's picture


Ross actually noted this, too.

"As I quickly began to realize, I was ruining potential friendships and potential lovers by flipping in between definite roles. The relationships were in some weird middle of the road status, and things would become awkward in a hurry when neither of us knew how to proceed."

The problem with many men is that they don't know what they doing and they constantly flip roles like Asians flip burgers on the market!. Like me, i, too constantly flip between roles of lover, provider and friends. Women can't read that, and won't buy into that long term.

and this actually hurts women afterawhile.


Ross Leon's picture

Hey Chaz, I can definitely understand the frustration of contradictory statements. Feels like you don't know what to do when you're being fed a bunch of different viewpoints.

In regards to Chase's statement, it largely depends on how long roles take to cement themselves, based on the different windows for possibility.

The window of attraction, which dictates becoming a lover, is extremely short.

Meanwhile, the window for becoming a friend is much longer, which is why established lovers can become friends with women after sleeping with them.

Thus, become her lover quickly and then become her friend later on still works, just as long as you do so within the bounds of time to avoid such a relationship being defined as one thing or another. The time that windows are open largely differs between women, and you'll even find that some of the more experienced women that you sleep with never really close the door on friendship.

Hope that cleared things up. The inability to change roles stems from a relationship that's already well-defined, rather than one that is still up in the air.

Jason33's picture

Hey Ross,
Great article. It was insightful and It really makes sense why some of my past relationships died out after awhile. But I had one question that boggled my mind. You mentioned that the combination of a lover and a friend is a girlfriend which of course is very logical, but what is a woman that fits the friends with benefits category? I would assume she also fits the role of a friend and indeed a lover so does a woman labeled under "Friends With Benefits" also goes through the same screening process as a potential girlfriend? Or is it the commitment of an exclusive relationship that separates the two? Your thoughts?


Ross Leon's picture

Thanks for reading Jason. Great question on your part.

In my opinion, the friends with benefits is the typical lover relationship that lasts longer.

In articles that talk about the nuances of friends with benefits, you'll notice the common theme that such a relationship should focus squarely around only spending time with each other every now and then in order to keep the relationship purely about sex, rather than developing into a relationship. If you're constantly hanging around a FWB it will turn into more of a committed relationship as a result of the time and investment the two of you are putting into each other.

The screening process for a FWB could be simply that of a lover, but if you wanted to develop a relationship outside of sex (is say, she passes friend screens), then you can do so. Though that feels a lot like the path to a girlfriend/committed relationship, and could very well have you end up there, but if you're happy it would most likely develop into a beneficial relationship.

Nunclea's picture

Chase was looking at what works for women, not men as Ross is, so the 2 aren't directly comparable.

Even so Chase does in fact say that it is usually difficult to change the role a woman has in mind for you - from friend to lover or provider to lover.

He did say that it is easy to change from the role of lover to provider (boyfriend) if you want. All he was effectively saying there is don't put women on a pedestal and move fast with them regardless of whether you want short or long term.

Ross Leon's picture

Looks like you've got it Nunclea. Thanks for reading!

Nunclea's picture

No problem, thanks for all the great advice.

Ben's picture

theres this one girl I work next to. we talk ALL THE TIME and shes giving me all the signs. she flashes her palm, always licking her lips, plays with her bracelets and strokes her arm. but my problem is that im a bad closer. and I can be the nice guy. she has this other guy who she keeps breaking up with but at the same time cant leave. they always get back together only to break up the next week. I told her that I wanted her to be with me for a night and she told me she cant just yet and that she'll let me know when she's ready. what should I do to get closer to the ultimate goal. I definitely dont want this to go to the friend zone, and I dont want to bore her or lose her interest. I feel like im so close to getting her. I definitely wouldn't mind being her bf or if worse comes to worse I don't mind being the guy on the side. I just feel like im stuck, and shes showing me all the right signs including: knee always pointing towards me, exposed neck as we speak, we always catch each other's eye, big smiles. she seems a little shy or timid at times tho. seems like she wants to get up close to me but not yet. she'll show me things from her phone but she wont actually get too too close. I do have her number, I verified it yesterday lol. had to make sure it was the right number....I need to know what else to do at this point.

Anonymous's picture

Ugh... so we were friends before all this. Then one night she wanted to "cuddle". Well.... we all know what happened from there. After that she would want to do that all the time. I warned her that we were entering a dangerous area and that it would be short lived. We both agreed to not having things weird after and being friends. We continued to fool around for another month or so. Then one day mutually decided to stop it. Things tanked. Attitude. Anger. Being ignored. She now says things will never be the same. I feel like a hostage in my own home. It has been over a month like this now and unbearable. I wish I could have my good friend back. I believe she's seeing someone else now too... so shouldn't that help? She just acts like I'm dead to her. Please help!!!!!!!!

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