Ever meet a girl, and get her contact information, and then start chatting with her via phone or text message, and then go to set up a date with her – maybe to get some food, maybe a drink, maybe to just chill and hang out and watch a movie at your place – only to have her offer a counterproposal that suited you far less? Perhaps she suggested going shopping, or that you join her out with a group of her friends, or come to some party she was attending.
Ever accept one of those counteroffers? If you did, you may very well have kicked yourself for going later, when you ended up getting slotted into the friend zone and never got together with the girl. Maybe, just maybe, a guy tooth-and-claws it, and fights off her other suitors, and eventually on Date #6 he gets her in the sack, but of course by that point she has him firmly pinned down into boyfriend territory. And maybe she even does end up becoming his girlfriend because by that point he's invested so much in her that he thinks she's better than the other women he has available.
This is what happens when you don't date on your terms. You don't get the girl most of the time. Actually, most of the time, you waste your time, and get slotted into the friend zone, or become a potential boyfriend at best.
Solution? Stop dating women on their terms, and start dating them on yours.
Why Women Want to Date You on Their Terms
It doesn't happen to me as much, but it still does happen to me. I'll text a girl to meet up, and she'll counteroffer that we do something that she wants to do or that's convenient for her. Usually these days this is with girls I've already dropped the ball with by not sleeping with them quickly enough.
For instance, two girls I messaged to meet me when I got back to town I'd had dates with earlier this year, but I hadn't slept with them on those first dates. I should have – one I moved too slowly with on the date and showed too much value with, and by the time I took her home she was very nervous and afraid that something would happen and she'd lose me as a future boyfriend, so we didn't get together. The other threw me off at the beginning of the date by acting incredibly socially high valued – something I can handle, but was unprepared for because I didn't realize this girl would be that way. I turned it around by the end of the date, but was still off balance and didn't take her home.
One of them I saw at a social event before leaving, and she insisted repeatedly that we hang out again soon and was visibly very nervous. That told me she wanted me as a boyfriend though, so I figured I'd have trouble.
When I got back to town, I texted both of these girls (and others) to meet up. Their replies:
Girl #1: hey chase! Welcome back! am traveling will be back Thursday. Lets get together over the weekend! how long you in town for this time
Girl #2: Sure, tnite i will be around slt, nali area, there is an jewelry opening thing, will send u email now
Those were both responses to offers of mine to meet up soon – possibly that night. Obviously, these replies didn't give me quite the response I was looking for.
These examples each showcase one of the two chief rationales women have for not wanting to meet you on your terms and instead wanting to meet you on their terms:
- They're really honestly busy and just don't have a lot of time, or
- They've lost hope that you can be whatever they wanted you to be (lover, boyfriend, husband) and want you to do all the work if there's going to be any kind of continuing relationship (friendship).
Responding to Uncooperative Women
So how do you reply when a gal doesn't want to meet you on your terms?
The first girl I didn't reply to at all (she took all day to reply to me, so I wasn't going to reply that night, and the next day it didn't feel worth my time to respond), and the second girl I shot a text to saying, "Cool, I'll check the email out," and haven't contacted since.
The first girl really didn't do anything that's her fault. She wasn't around, and she wanted to meet up on the weekend. But my weekends are booked these days, and this girl only ever wants to meet up on the weekend. I'm not going to stop and rearrange my schedule for a girl who's anything short of breathtakingly gorgeous and outstanding in personality. On top of that, this girl frequently CCs me on mass "let's get together" emails to friends, so, "Let's get together over the weekend!" may very well just mean, "Let's do some group activity with friends!" which has approximately zero appeal to me; I don't do party dates.
The second girl... meh. That message tells me she isn't interested anymore, probably from auto-rejection – she was a few years older than me and made a big deal about it, and kept asking me about me sleeping with a bunch of local girls – which I'm not going to deny – and that seemed to really dampen her spirits; one of the problems with dating in China is the expatriate girls who are all desperately seeking boyfriends, and automatically slot just about any man who will talk to them into that category. Once I was out of the running as a boyfriend, she got sad and disappointed and didn't want to bother with me anymore, so invited me along on the jewelry opening thing she was going to. No thanks.
I've been using this kind of response more and more: when a girl tries to squeeze me into her schedule, I fall off the map for her for a while. And it works wonders like little else. When I reconnect with these girls later on, they're typically chasing after me, asking me why we haven't hung out in forever, what I'm up to, when we're going to spend time together. It's kinda funny – before this happens, when you use this technique, they try to push you into the little box of "convenience" they try to shoehorn most men into. But later, much of the time – wow, they're going all out trying to find a way to see you. What happened?
There seems to be this little switch that flips in a woman's mind when she tries to have you see her on her terms and instead you just disappear, and it's very specific to this scenario. When you try this with women who were trying to date you on your terms, or at least meet you halfway, it usually backfires. That's because a girl who's bending to your schedule and demands, or trying to meet you halfway at least, is going to feel pushed away and marginalized if you fall off the Earth despite her efforts.
A girl who's trying to pigeonhole you, though, will take notice: you don't play by her rules. You aren't one of those guys who's so desperate to meet her you'll meet her under any circumstances she deems fit, no matter how unfavorable to seduction. Instead, you wrote her offer off as an inefficient use of your time and moved on to other options.
Do keep in mind that you want to stay warm and cordial throughout, and when you reconnect with her later, you want to act as if nothing had happened, and remain just as warm and cordial. You want her to feel like you didn't even notice that the two of you never got together. What she wanted to do didn't fit into your schedule, so it just didn't happen; no big deal to you.
This does precisely two things for you in this circumstance:
- It lowers your value as a friend or boyfriend, because the best friends and boyfriends are available whenever she wants them available, and
- It raises your value as a lover, because lovers have options and don't squander their time going on group friends outings or joining women for jewelry store openings.
Now, do be aware that this is more a salve than a cure-all; if you showed no lover value before at all and primarily just friend value and boyfriend value, a maneuver like this may still not be enough to turn things around and re-interest her.
But if she was on the fence about you, this can very well be all she needs to start chasing after you and meeting you on your terms instead of trying to get you to meet her on hers.
Reconnecting with a Girl You've Disappeared On
Your results may vary based on how much of a lover you present yourself as with women, but for me, generally about 50% of the time I'll have women I've dropped off with reinitiate with me first. They'll send me a mass text inviting me to some event, or they'll contact me asking where I've been and perhaps even asking me out.
When you get these mass invites, the way to respond is by communicating that 1) you can't make it, but 2) you'd like to grab a bite with her sometime soon. Then, no matter her response, unless it's a complete "no," set to work a few days later scheduling your next date – something that's convenient to her, but again, is on your terms.
If you don't hear back from a girl reinitiating with you on her own, you can use the standard reconnect text after a few weeks or a month have passed:
"Hey [name], sorry I've been out of touch lately, just got swamped with things. How have you been? Let's grab a bite sometime soon and catch up. What's your schedule looking like this week?"
Then proceed to pick a date and time she gives you and set up a date that's convenient to you and on your terms. Chances are, you'll find most girls far more amenable to dating on your terms once you've disappeared once and resurfaced than they were the first time around.
Remember Not to Use in Other Situations!
Again, can't stress this enough: don't use this with girls who've simply flaked or are busy but not trying to squeeze you dismissively into their terms for dating. See the post on what to do when girls flake for strategies on handling that scenario.
All said, if you're careful about this one and save it for the girls working to shoehorn you into the friend or boyfriend roles, you can bust those efforts a lot of times and turn things around to get girls chasing. It's a bit of a percentage game – it doesn't work on every girl – but the percentages are far more in your favor than anything else I've seen for dealing with this particular scenario – certainly more in your favor than going along with whatever she wants (rates of successfully bedding a girl by dating her on her terms aren't pretty).
Basically, if you don't have a good feeling about joining a girl out on a certain date she's proposed, don't go. You stand a better chance of getting a real, solid date with her later on where the two of you can really get to know each other and move toward intimacy if you are adamant about dating women only on terms that work for you.