Socializing

Commenting on the post on building social status, a reader asks the following about how to be a warm person:

“Hi Chase, great site, great article. Could you discuss more about warmth? You discuss it quite often, but you could dive into this topic more in-depth? It's a powerful tool to use in all aspects of life, so your breakdown of this would be much appreciated!

Thanks”

Happy to oblige, Anonymous.

Back in 2001, a young female customer walked back into the tire store where I worked as a technician and salesman to complete a transaction she'd begun the day before with me. I wasn't there, so another salesman helped her. "That guy who helped me yesterday was nice," she told him, referring to me, "but I felt like he had bad intentions."

When this salesman told me she'd said this, I was surprised; I knew I'd adopted an edge over the past few years - it had been designed specifically to make sure no one would want to fight me, since I was always alone and frequently in dangerous situations. But I didn't think it was actually scaring off women.

I went to work trying to change it, but even a year later, friends on my college dorm room floor told me, "The girls on the 7th floor said, 'That kid with the red hair is scary.'"

When I heard this, the first thing I thought was, "All right. I've adjusted my face for men - to be intimidating and frightening - long enough. It's time I adapt myself for women instead."

Within a few years, I was regularly hearing things like the following:

"I only just met Chase, but I felt like we'd been friends for ages."

"It's so great hanging out with you; I feel like I can tell you anything."

"Spending time talking to you makes me feel like I can breathe."

How I figured out how to be a warm person and how I made the switch to that from "scary and intimidating" is what I'll detail in this post.

If you've read the post on auto-rejection, then you know a big problem facing most guys in the Western world isn't that they come on too strong... but that they don't come on strong enough, and women end up assuming they just aren't all that into them... which leads women to then auto-reject, close up, and go cold to protect their own emotions. And if that's happening to you, that's probably because you're like most guys in the West these days, and you don't yet have too firm a grasp on how to let a girl know you like her.

What is it, exactly, with this plague of tentative men these days? It seems like the average guy nowadays is so afraid of rejection that he isn't willing to stick his neck out at all - or else he goes into things with the "just friends" angle, then get surprised and upset when they end up in the friend zone.

No - as you get to know a girl, it's important that you also know how to let a girl know you like her - and that you go about doing exactly that.

There's a good chance you know it already, instinctively if not consciously, but the first rule of eye contact, of course, is this: don't look down. Why's that so important?

The reason, you'll quickly find, is what looking down means. When you break eye contact with someone, you communicate something very specific about yourself and your emotions toward that person, the esteem you hold them in, and how you view yourself socially and status-wise in relation to them.

And just like this, when a woman breaks eye contact with you, she communicates something very specific to you too, based entirely on the manner in which she does it.

This week's excerpt from my eBook How to Make Girls Chase: Every Tactic and Technique You Need to Get the Girl(s) of Your Dreams explains exactly what each of these ways in which you can lose eye contact mean - and exactly why you want to make sure that, whatever you do with a girl, you don't look down.

As we all know, you don't get a second chance to make a good first impression. And this is more than just a cliché... this is HUGE!

I'll say it again: You just DON'T get a second chance!

Studies in the field of sales have confirmed the old adage. As it turns out, 80% of our perception of a person is formed in the first 3 minutes. But what’s more: 80% of THAT takes place in the first few SECONDS!

Do I have your attention?

Good.

So, what is the ideal first impression a girl should have of you?

If you don't know the answer to this question, you might be practicing the WRONG things… which means that all the hard sweat, blood and tears you invest might actually make your first impression LESS favorable.

What do you think? Should you be

• Friendly or Macho?
• Tough or Charming?
• Dominant or Likeable?

What kind of first impression will make her feel ATTRACTED to you?

Let’s take a closer look. Your first impression comes down to three things:

• The way you look
• What you say to a girl
• THE WAY YOU COME ACROSS!

And number three is the biggie.

Dominance is a touchy topic. It's positively loaded with cultural baggage - in the West, we're averse to both the idea of being dominant over others and of others being dominant over us. It has all kinds of ill-favored connotations that most would rather just avoid. I'm throwing all of that out today though and talking to you about how to be a dominant man, political correctness and sensitivity aside - and I'm going to teach you a lot of things you didn't know about dominance before today.

In the post on how to be an alpha male (without becoming a stereotype), we broke down the difference between what's generally thought of as "alpha" and what alpha actually is, and about the character of the nomad -- the man who's neither alpha, nor beta, nor any other role in a social hierarchy, but instead operates outside it entirely.

I've long noticed a failure to differentiate among "being alpha" and "being dominant" in those who discuss social dynamics. They're treated as one and the same -- if you're being alpha, you're dominant, and if you're being dominant, you're alpha.

But they aren't the same. Being alpha's about heading up your group.

Meanwhile, being dominant... that's about something else altogether. What that is -- that and the winner effect -- is what this article is all about.

I've been putting in 17 hour days, 7 days a week the past 2 weeks for a new business of mine I just launched, and I've been training a lot of new salesman recently for it, and it's forced me to talk on a number of great sales and psychology points. It's been a lot of fun, and I'm even finding myself training my staff with a number of terms from the pick up world that I've developed (if only they knew!). Anyway, now that I've got some breathing room again to get back to things like the blog here, one of the more interesting points I've touched on recently with the staff has been why you should never say no.

My sales guys are a little rough around the edges. One of them used to be a Texas car salesman. One used to sell suits in Wales. Another is a German guy with an unflappable ego who believes he can do anything, but he's never had anything to do with sales before.

Anyway, one of them I listened to while taking him through some drills several times told the mock client he was speaking to "no."

She asked him if he could do something, and he said "no." I corrected him, and he said, "We will not." Argh.

Because, you see, both in sales and in seduction, "no" is a big no-no -- and what I want to talk about with you today is why you should never say no.

One piece of guidance I often give to guys looking to improve with women is to start doing active listening in order to better listen to women and build great connections with them fast. It's simple, straightforward advice that's easy to start implementing right away -- or at least, that was what I'd been thinking.

A reader writes in reminding me of a realization I had years ago but since forgot about the right way to do active listening:

“Wow man just had a great convo with my mom of all people about how to handle women. We talked a lot about things I already knew but it gave me a fresh perspective. But the one thing she told me about was "paraphrasing what she said"

She told me that a lot of guys like "reiterate" what a woman says. For example if I was talking to a woman and she told me a story about jogging and how it makes her feel great. Reiterating would be me saying "Hmmm so what you're really saying is you feel great because of this...." Then the woman tells me "NO I'm feeling great because of what I just said! Your not listening to me!"

Now that same situation as a paraphrase would go "so let me see if I understand you, your saying you feel great because of this..." then she says "Yes exactly I was feeling great because growing up my mom..."

Now at that point I've got her opening up because she's feeling understoood. And sorry for the vocab lesson I"m sure you already knew this but it helps me illustrate my idea in my mind lol! But I'm just emailing you about this because I've noticed that A LOT of your game is based off of paraphrasing.

When a woman is challenging you paraphrase. When you want to deep dive you paraphrase. When you try to connect with her emotionally you paraphrase.

Once you can paraphrase her words she feels understood and now you guys can truly connect. And it was something that had been bothering me for YEARS man because I was trying SO HARD to listen to women lol! But I found out that I was just doing it the wrong way which was from a frame of reiteration (male comm) and not paraphrase (female comm).

It's crazy because now I can look back at some of your old post and say OHHHHH that's how he did that! IT's amazing how much power paraphrasing gives you when it comes to communicating with others.

Just wanted to share that with you because it really struck me as gold.”

After reading this email, in a flash, I remembered the years I spent straining and striving to understand women and feed back to them what they'd said, only to have my efforts be tossed right back in my face when girls replied with, "Uh, no, that's not what I meant," or tersely corrected me.

Man, that was frustrating. But it doesn't happen anymore. Why? Well... let me tell you.

You see, our good reader highlights the difference between what a guy who's learning tries to do, and a guy who's got it down does. And I'm going to delve deeper into doing it the right way here, in this post on active listening.