Tactics Tuesdays: When Women Break Rapport

"Come sit with me," you tell a girl. You've talked with her now for about 15 minutes and it seems like it should be that time.

"Are you always this demanding?" she tells you. She doesn't budge. "The benches here are sooo uncomfortable." She still won't budge.

It dawns on you that this girl is breaking rapport.

You thought you had a good vibe going with her. But now she's refusing you, not directly answering your request, and driving the conversation in a different direction.

What should you do?

 

Major vs. Minor Rapport Breaks

Before you cook up a response, you must realize not all rapport breaks are equal.

Some rapport breaks are fairly big problems, especially if they come at critical junctures in a courtship.

Other rapport breaks aren't a problem at all, and are instead little light flirtations that spice things up a little on the road to the bedroom.

The way we differentiate between these 'major' vs. 'minor' rapport breaks is by looking at the strength, number, and timing of the break -- and the woman's behavior aside from the break.

For example, say you're walking with a girl you met on the sidewalk. You've had some playful banter, you've flirted a bit, and now you'd like to see if she'll comply more with you (so maybe you can pull off an instant date).

So you tell her, "Hey, let me see that ring you have on," and gesture for her to give you her hand.

In a quiet voice she says, "Pretty bold for a guy who just met me," smiles shyly, then gives you her hand.

Did she break rapport? Yes, but the break was minor.

However, let's say you're walking with another girl, in a similar situation, and you ask her to see her ring, and gesture for her to give you her hand.

This girl loudly responds with, "I never hold hands with strangers!" and smiles at you in a teasing, cocksure way, then whips her head back and continues walking alongside you, without ever offering her hand.

Did she break rapport? Obviously yes. And this break was more major.

What's different between our minor and major breaks?

Well, with the minor rapport break:

• Her voice tone was softer, quieter, and less combative
• Her smile was softer and more accommodating
• She complied with your request

With the major rapport break:

• Her voice was loud and authoritative
• Her smile was a teasing, cocky one
• She refused compliance with your request

Your response to major rapport breaks is necessarily going to be different than your response to minor ones.

 

Why Do Women Break Rapport?

Rapport breaks are an indication that the other person does not want to escalate things any further.

They can also be general destructive behavior, generally due to attainability issues.

Examples of each:

• If you have a girl in your bedroom, sitting on your bedroom loveseat with you, and you try to get her to move to the bed with you, yet she starts to break rapport and avoids compliance, it's often because she doesn't feel comfortable enough to move to the bed yet

• On the other hand, if you have a girl you've talked to all night at a party, whom you've missed escalation windows with and spent too long teasing and busting on (i.e., you've over-gamed her), she may start to feel like you aren't going to move the courtship forward. She may think you don't really like her. At that point she begins to slide into auto-rejection, breaking rapport with you to show to herself (and you) she needs you as little as she believes you need her

These reasons are the same, whether it's a minor or a major rapport break.

Women may be attracted to you and ready to comply, yet feel you are somewhat unattainable to them, so they comply, but engage in a little minor rapport-breaking as they do so to maintain face (in case you reject them).

Or they may be attracted to you and almost ready to comply, yet the escalation comes a bit too soon, but they decide to go with it anyway, protesting lightly with a rapport break as they do.

 

How to Respond to Minor Rapport Breaks

Minor rapport breaks don't always need a response.

It's worth observing when they happen, and seeing if you can tie it to anything.

Did she break rapport due to your low attainability, or because she wasn't ready to escalate yet?

If it's the former, build your attainability up a bit more.

If it's the latter, flirt and connect with her a bit more before you escalate again.

If you're unsure, then both build attainability and flirt/connect with her for a few minutes before any further escalation.

Sometimes when people overcome resistance to comply they resent having done so and it becomes harder to get them to comply again. Other times when they overcome resistance to comply, it gets them past a mental hurdle and future compliance with them comes easier.

If she's in the ladder camp, there may not be a need for you to do anything to respond to her rapport break once she's complied with you.

How can you tell she's in the latter camp? The best way to gauge is by any shifts you see in her once she complies... and especially by any change in the ease or difficulty of getting her to comply with more requests after that compliance she broke rapport around.

If she gives you a minor rapport break, then complies (like giving you her hand after commenting on your boldness, the example we opened the article with), then after that she seems smitten with you, and easily complies when you throw a little compliance test her way, you're in good shape.

If on the other hand once she gives you her hand she seems a little displeased, and you sense some resistance in her around complying when you compliance test her, then you are probably going to want to back off and build up either similarity (which helps with attainability) or arousal (i.e., flirtation, banter, touch, etc.), or both.

 

Responding to Major Rapport Breaks by Women

A major rapport break occurs when a girl simply refuses your compliance request and busts your balls or otherwise breaks rapport instead.

If there was no compliance request from you, it can be a major rapport break if she breaks rapport in some significant, rude, and/or highly dismissive way. Even then, you can't be sure it isn't just play-acting if you don't actually compliance test her (sometimes women will seem to be haughtily turning their noses up at you, but when you ask them to comply they go along with it. In this case, it is not a major rapport break, but a form of flirtation).

Most major rapport breaks contain negative compliance in them. i.e., she has said no to your compliance request.

First off, if you haven't read my article on dealing with nos, I highly recommend you read that (or review it):

READ MORE: What If She Says No?

You'll use those tools to respond to her no to keep your frame, save face, and lose as little momentum in the courtship as possible.

Yet after you've responded, you need to deal with the issue.

That issue is, either she's not ready to escalate, or you've made yourself unattainable.

Unattainability is a problem at every stage of the courtship:

• If you approach her as the 'too smooth' playboy, she'll break rapport with you because it doesn't feel like this is a genuine interaction she's having

• If you don't build enough similarity with her and she needs that, or you tease her too long past the point where you should've moved forward, you'll seem unattainable

• If you're trying to change venues with her or pull her to your place but she doesn't know why you like her or why you'd want to be with her, you'll seem unattainable

• If you're alone with her in a seduction location but she doesn't feel like you want her for her (rather than you just wanting whatever woman you could get), you'll seem unattainable

If your unattainability is simply due to you not having done enough of what she needs yet to move things forward, it's not much different from her just not being ready to escalate with.

However, if it's due to you making mistakes (like over-teasing, or missing escalation windows), it is not a situation where you can simply 'keep gaming' and hope for her to warm up. She already warmed up, but you didn't respond, and she's since cooled off. You need to figure out the mistake you made -- and then you need to correct for it, so she can see you've corrected for it, and allows herself to warm up to you again.

Here's a reliable tactic you can use when you don't know exactly what the problem is: try doing the opposite of what you've been doing for a while. If you've been really nice and straightforward with her, and she's breaking rapport, try being more of an asshole. Alternately, if you've been a teasing asshole and she's breaking rapport, trying switching to warmth and genuineness.

 

Conclusion

When women break rapport with you, it's a sign there's some kind of resistance there.

It might be minor -- maybe she just feels a bit unready to escalate, or that you are a bit unattainable.

But it might be major -- she might really not feel ready for that yet... or she might feel like you are just out of reach.

Whether she still complies or not will give you your clue as to whether it's minor or major rapport-breaking you're encountering. Her behavior aside from compliance can server as a cue too... just so long as you bear in mind women can have very different behavior. Some women act cold even when they're interested. Some women act warm even when they're not.

Figure out where you stand with her, and whether you need to address the rapport break or can let it slide.

If you must address it, it's important you do.

Rapport breaking can serve as a canary in the coal mine to greater problems in your seductions.

Notice when it's happening, identify the source of the problem, and remedy it, and you'll improve your odds not just with that girl, but with all the women you meet after her (once you've realized things you did or did not due that trigger resistance in women).

Yours,
Chase Amante