Ghosting, Part 3: How to Raise the Dead

In Part 1 of this series, we looked at some interesting statistics on ghosting that came courtesy a survey we ran on American men and women.

In Part 2 of the series, we looked at the reasons why people ghost on people, and what you can do to avoid getting ghosted on.

In our third and final installment, I'm going to cover your options to resurrect a ghost... and 'raise from the dead', so to speak, those contacts lying cold as clay in your phone.

This will include five (5) distinct ghost-busting strategies:

1. Fun, High Value Invites
2. Resurrection Texts
3. Audio/Video Messages
4. Passing Hints Along
5. Running Into Your Ghost

Let's begin.

 

#1: Fun, High Value Invites

When your ghost is still fresh, fun, high value invites can work wonders.

There's always a decision process one has to go through with ghosting. It looks something like this:

• In the run up to ghosting, the ghost starts to feel like she doesn't want to keep replying to you or seeing you

• The first time she doesn't answer your message back and ghosts you, she feels somewhat bad about it and a little uncertain

• As time passes, she becomes increasingly certain ghosting you was the correct call to make

• Let enough time go by, and she will wonder why you'd even still contact her and why it is you do not 'get it'

You'll want to deploy fun, high value invites sometime soon after she passes that second phase (where she's just ghosted you, and still feeling a bit doubtful about it).

What's a fun, high value invite?

Well, normally I tell you to make your dates boring so that the focus of the date is on you and the girl. That's my usual advice, no?

But what about when the girl has started to decide she doesn't want you?

Then you need to do the opposite.

If a woman is in the process of deciding she doesn't want you, you need to tempt her with something else she will want to do to get her out in-person with you (at which point you can get her to start to want you again).

What's a 'fun, high value invite'?

Anything interesting, different, and potentially exciting, such as:

• A trip to the nearby lake, where you found a cheap cabin to rent
• A ceramics class you found to make & paint ceramics
• A night out at the opera together (or a rock concert if she likes those)
• A wine tasting, a limousine bar tour, or show at a piano bar
• An invite to your friends' private house party (that is sure to be good!)
• A trip to go snorkeling or scuba diving with you at a coral reef
• A fencing class you found, where you'll challenge her to a dual
• A trip to the billiards hall so you can show her how to hustle pool players
• A night out at a comedy show: either watching it, or, even better, participating
• A visit to the ranch outside of town for a horseback riding session
• A haunted hayride for Halloween, or a gingerbread house-making activity at Christmas (or some other seasonal activity)

You get the picture.

Something DIFFERENT, and something FUN.

A new experience, preferably, or an experience she enjoys yet rarely gets to have.

A sufficiently fun experience can get many a ghost to re-manifest in your phone before she's become totally dematerialized.

 

#2: Resurrection Text

I covered resurrection texts in detail in my article on texting girls.

Read more: How to Text a Girl

So I won't go too in-depth here.

But the gist is this:

• You're going to wait 4+ weeks with no contact between the two of you

• Then you're going to text her an apology for having been so busy and having fallen off the radar with her

• In the same (long) text, you are going to ask how she is, tell her your schedule's opened up a bit, and tell her the two of you should get a bite or a drink and to send you her schedule

"That couldn't possibly work, Chase," I heard you say. "SHE'S the one who flaked on ME! Surely she remembers that! Surely, it wouldn't work to just tell her I'm the one who flaked, and that I'm now available again...?"

Yet, indeed, that is exactly how it works.

Human psychology is deeply weird. This is just one of the more minor weird things: when you tell people things are a certain way, they will tend to think what you're saying is accurate.

This is especially true about things they have some distance on, where they have no clear thoughts or memories.

When she ghosts you, her emotions are just, "Eh, I don't know. I don't know if I have the time for him." She will kind of remember that four weeks later, but if you weren't super pushy (i.e., you didn't force her to form a very clear sentiment about ghosting on you, thereby cementing her emotions), the memory is going to be vague.

She is just going to remember something about someone not having time for something. Then when you are apologizing for having been scarce, her brain is going to go, "Oh! Maybe he was the scarce one! Is this a chance for me to get a scarce guy out on a date?"

Note that if you're really dogged in pursuing girls, or super pushy, this won't work nearly as well (because you'll cement their emotion of having rejected you).

But for guys who can tell when a girl's not feeling them, and figure they'll save their effort for now and circle back to her a little later, when she might be more ready-to-go, 4-6 weeks of silence followed by a resurrection text can be absolutely ideal.

 

#3: Audio/Video Messages

Audio and video messages offer an immediacy that the written word lacks.

Due to the pattern interrupt a different medium of message presents, they also let you 'reset' how a woman is thinking about you (and make her more likely to respond).

Read more: Calling Her When Texts Don’t Pan Out

You can leave an audio or a video message for a girl in most messaging apps. These can work very well.

What sort of message should you leave?

Check out Alek Rolstad's 2-part series on video messaging for a full rundown on how to leave great messages that get replies (and turn around your ghosts).

 

#4: Passing Hints Along

Is your ghost someone you know via social circle?

Well, there's no school like the old school -- get passing hints along!

I learned this tactic by having women use it on me. There'd be some girl I hadn't talked to in a while, and out of the blue one of her friends would show up and ask me, "Sarah wants to know if you still like her," or, "Angie was wondering what happened to you. You haven't talked to her in a while."

Is this sophomoric? Maybe! But it's a unique, different approach than just going up and approaching yourself... because the message comes through an intermediary.

All you have to do to do this is tell a mutual friend to let her know you were wondering if she still likes you or you were wondering what happened to her.

Sometimes the result is that she will then message you herself.

Other times she might tell your messenger that she wants you to contact her.

You might be surprised how effectively this can work at times.

 

#5: Running Into Your Ghost

If all else fails, try running into her!

If you know her socially, or you're in a small town, this is probably pretty doable.

If you cold approached her in a big metropolis, well, you may not ever see her again, so less doable here.

But for some guys in some situations, it's doable.

When you run into her, it's not to 'trap' her. You're not going to jump on her and demand she tell you where she is and try to wrestle a date out of her.

All you're going to do is just happen to meet her, be pleasantly surprised to see her, and be cordial and warm.

Like so:

[walking along and cross paths with Ella, the girl who ghosted you]

You: Oh hey Ella!

Her: Heeeey. [stops to talk to you]

You: [big smile, being your friendly self] I was wondering what happened to you! Thought you got dragged off by wolves!

Her: [laughs] No, sorry. I've just been busy.

You: I know, me too. I just started taking ski lessons... have you ever skied?

Her: No, but I want to.

You: Oh, it's great. The wind on your face, the snow spraying behind you, moving fast down the mountain. It's really freeing.

Her: That sounds so great.

You: Anyway, what's going on with you?

Her: Not much, just life.

You: Sounds tiresome.

Her: [laughs] A little bit!

You: Well, I ought to take you up with me to my ski lessons one of these weekends. You'd love it.

Her: Yeah, sure.

You: I mean if that's too exhausting we can always just grab a bite or a drink to catch up too. Anyway, I'll text you. You gonna be free sometime this week or next week?

Her: I think so, yeah! I should be free. Just text me.

You: Cool, I'll do that. Shoot you a message to figure things out. See ya!

Her: Bye!

Just a quick little exchange here to reestablish things.

Note a few key points:

• You joke about her disappearance. This is different from texting. It's not like a resurrection text. You can't just pretend that you were the one who vanished, not her (I've tried it a few times. It's awkward). When she sees you, she immediately feels some social panic that she is going to be called out on her unavailability. Instead of call her out, you disarm that panic, with a quick, jokey comment about her being "dragged off by wolves", "abducted by space aliens", saying you thought she'd "fled the country", etc. Something ridiculous and absurd where you are joking about her being totally unavailable. Then you move on.

• You have a ready explanation for your own busyness. You do still need to make her feel like she wasn't the only one who was busy, so it doesn't seem like you've been waiting around pining for her. This, too, helps to alleviate awkwardness and put you on even footing. It's best if you always have something in mind you can use for any occasion to talk about something you've been doing recently that is fun and interesting and has also kept you somewhat 'busy'.

• You keep the interaction light, short, and to-the-point. You're disarming her fear of being called out, telling her you've also been busy doing something fun or interesting, and then telling her the two of you ought to hang out (if it's a high-effort activity, like ski lessons, you can throw in an option of something low-effort too, to reduce the odds she flakes again because "I don't feel like going skiing this weekend"). Then you tell her you'll text her and bid her goodbye.

Simple, straightforward, but just like that you've reset your ghost.

 

Conclusion

Just because she's ghosted on you doesn't mean she's permanently dead from your life.

Sometimes, ghosts can come back.

There are different ways to 'raise the dead' -- we covered five of them here.

But perhaps the most important thing to remember is this: people's lives are in flux, and their minds often change.

If you were cool enough and attractive enough to her that she thought about going out with you before, she may circle back around to wanting to go out with you again.

The best thing you can do is look for ways to pop back onto her radar screen, make a newer and better impression, and remind her you exist.

From there, you can see if she's once again willing to join the land of the living.

You never know; she just may return.

Chase