Mindsets

Is it better to go into a situation with a woman knowing nothing at all (the hopeful-but-clueless guy), or is it better to know the negatives and the struggles but not have any of the answers (the bitter-and-cynical guy)?

The answer might surprise you, because whilst you would expect knowledge of negatives to act as a disincentive to getting used or short-changed, being naïve can provide incentives, like getting the benefit of the doubt and more opportunities. Does this mean it’s better being naïve than jaded?

Put differently, is it better to know the downfalls and potentially avoid them, or to be given more opportunities yet possibly not take advantage of them?

Now here’s the answer:

It is a trick question, because in both scenarios the man cannot take opportunities or put women on their best behavior... meaning the results will always be that you have less opportunities and less respect than is ideal, whether you are naïve or you are jaded.

Sucks right?

Especially since with naïve or jaded, these are the two places we often start as men.

If you are a technically oriented kind of guy who wants to succeed as fast as possible, here are a few tips on how to avoid getting stuck in a dead-end. Taking things slow and gaining wisdom can sound great in theory, but what if learning slow just agitates you too much and you can’t learn that way? Does it mean you are broken or need to learn another way of thinking and feeling? It turns out that no, you are not

In a thread on the discussion boards about negative mindsets, a forum member named Black writes:

“But when I have to take action there’s this feeling:

- I have absolutely NOTHING to offer her.

- I have NOTHING to say to her.

- She’ll be creeped out just for me going out of my way to say anything to her. It’s crazy I’m showing my face anywhere at all to begin with.

- She may have accepted to hang out with me – but sex is completely out of her mind (because of this I stalled things with girls that were saying we should “hang out” sometime; they ended up dating another guy a week later).

- She will make a scene if I go in for the kiss, ask her out or try to lead her to a hotel; then she will tell everyone we know if it’s social circle (even if it does happen to a small extent, almost no one seems to care).”

You might think it’s just you when you’re just kicking off, but this is actually a surprisingly normal set of thoughts/emotions to encounter before you approach a girl (when you’re new).

It’s due to something I’d call ‘ambiguous value’, and the doubts you’ll have surrounding yourself because of it.

And it’s not even just a ‘meeting new girls’ thing... although that’s the context we’ll discuss it in today.

Quick post. Taking action.

One of our members on the discussion boards wrote about being depressed and not knowing what to do. My response to him was brief:

“To build on what Ray said... start cranking the handle.

Whether you’re lifting weights in the air, writing pages for your next book, or talking to a pretty girl, it’s pretty tough to feel bad about yourself when you’re in action.

It’s when you’re sitting still twiddling your thumbs that all the bad thoughts creep in and take over.

Want fewer bad thoughts? Spend more time in action instead of thumb-twiddling.

Chase”

A second reader followed up my post and asked me to write more on taking action.

So here it is.

The Ancient Greek philosophers had it figured out two and a half thousand years ago: you should know yourself. But fast forward to today and there’s no shortage of modern men who know nothing about themselves. These men are not going after what they want, because they don’t know their own desires. They suffer from self-perceptions that are stunted or warped, and they can’t be sure of themselves. Perhaps worst of all, men without self-knowledge question and doubt themselves – especially when they fail with women.

In Part 1, I showed how failing to know yourself will hold back your progress with women. In this article, I’ll talk about some strategies for learning about yourself. But more importantly, I’ll explain the principles behind the pursuit of self-knowledge. Once you understand these, you’ll be able to advance your self-knowledge, explore and strengthen your character, and, ultimately, triumph with women.

I couldn’t wait to get my driver’s license when I was 16, and before my 17th birthday I got my dream job as pizza delivery boy. On my second night of work in Mississauga, Ontario (a suburb of Toronto), I got fired.

I went to an address with a pizza. As I approached the door, I could hear the pounding bass and the hoots and hollers of the people inside. I knocked on the door, and when it opened, a bunch of happy young people burst out practically on top of me, followed closely by thick wafts of tobacco and weed.

A cute girl about 3 years my senior (19 – LOL) tried to pass me a beer over the shoulder of the dude who was facing me and counting the money for the extra large… It was cold outside, so I suggested they let me step inside while they figured out the money and I could drink the beer (Canada and the USA have some of the most draconian public drinking laws imaginable and, ironically but not surprisingly, a huge problem with public drinking).

Someone passed me a joint. I found myself on a couch with a beer in one hand, a slice of pizza in the other, and the cute 19 year old on my knee giving me a “supertoke”. One thing led to another, and I was shocked and appalled to see how angry my boss was the next night when I went back to the pizza parlour asking if I could work again. I was fired on the spot. Logically I understood why, but I still resented it; why couldn’t I have fun AND have a job I love? Does life always have to be a tradeoff between doing what’s best for you and doing what you love to do?

As I get older, I’ve started to become more aware of the value of self-control.

Self-control is simply the ability to resist urges when it’s profitable for you to do so. It is the strength to put all things into priority and context. It would have taken only slightly more player skill to look at the host and the 19 year old girl and everyone else in that party in the eyes and tell them that I WOULD be back in 2 hours as soon as my shift was done, and if they would save me some booze and weed I would bring more pizza. How hard is that? I was already in with them. It was difficult because I had no self-control, no sense of timing, and no healthy view of context.

According to Napoleon Hill, author of the Think and Grow Rich, men learn self-control in one of two ways:

1. Their sex drive diminishes, usually with age but sometimes prematurely due to bad health or injury

2. They learn to sublimate their sex drive to higher thinking and purpose

Hill wasn’t talking about abstinence, he was talking about the correct sequence of profitable action. In a nutshell, if you’re feeling “frisky”, Hill wants you to do productive work FIRST, before turning to the opposite sex. Consistently doing so, Hill says, means your results in all areas of life will skyrocket.

Underlying my desire to risk my job to be close to a woman was an extremely high sex drive. Well into my 40s now, I find it challenging to go a full 24 hours without an orgasm and ejaculation at least once a day. It was 3, 4, even 5 times a day, for DECADES.

Don’t get me wrong – I was as unsuccessful with women as they come back when I was 16, but I was also very much a “natural”, something I did not fully appreciate about myself until well into my 30s.

It is late at night, your hands wrap around the wheel, the car eases out onto an endless stretch of highway. The road hums beneath you. Your breath is slow... In... And out... Your eyes are clear and steady as things come and go. You tune out the need to "get where you are going" and you just drive.

Life in that moment is just a sequence of breaths and subtle adjustments, and you never feel out of place or "off the mark". Your mind extends out into the horizon, and you lie in wait, perfectly ready.

Sometimes when we talk about women we get too focused on what is supposed to be happening that we forget how good it feels to not have to do a thing and just remain on target.