How confidence affects results with women, and how to get your confidence, boldness, and "inner game" tightened up and running smoothly.
What mindsets does a man need to succeed at picking up women? The ones in this article. Without these, success will be permanently out of reach.
There are many ways men think about picking up women. Many of these ways are not helpful, though.
Once you're in this long enough, you start to notice a lot of the same mindsets again and again among learners.
Some of these mindsets help the mindset holders succeed with women.
A lot of them do not.
If you want something in life, like a woman to love (or 50 women to love), you're just going to have to figure out how you'll make that happen.
Long before I was a dating coach, I was in a sort of “factotum,” or a state of bouncing through many different jobs. I quit most and was fired from a few. I just didn’t find many jobs rewarding for anything other than paying rent.
At one of these jobs, I was a low-voltage electrician. During the plasma TV boom, every rich person in Vancouver wanted one on their wall. So my job was to install these big, heavy televisions.
I hated it, but the pay was good. It was a hard job that required a lot of problem-solving. How do you get these wires across this house or apartment and into an electronics equipment panel without them being visible? We had to go into the wall, through the attic, or into the crawl space. Then we had to mount these 50-pound beasts (pre-LCD TV) onto these awkward wall brackets.
Some days I’d look at what was involved for an install, and it seemed impossible. I’d want to tear my hair out, quit, and live on welfare. So I’d call my boss and say, “I don’t see how this is possible. It’s too difficult.”
And my boss always gave me the most powerful and vague advice:
“Make it happen, Tony.”
And he’d hang up.
Serious success requires serious commitment. And if you want to be a runaway success as a seducer, you will need to throw yourself in, in these 5 ways.
When you are looking to improve with women, there are a few things to keep in mind.
If you don’t get them in order, things won’t work the way they should, and you will find yourself stumbling around without knowing what to do.
So today, I‘ll outline what you should be doing to help make it easier. I’ll set out some easy-to-follow steps to organize your progress as you go through your journey.
Get alert, tune yourself in, and EXPECT the women you see to signal or approach you. Do this, and your fundamentals improve… and women actually do respond a lot more.A year or so ago, I was talking to Ricardus (remember him?) and he mentioned a day when he went around feeling like the sexiest man in town. He just put it in his head: "I am the most attractive man in this city," and as he went about his day, women's heads turned. Ultimately a random cute girl approached him and struck up a conversation with him.
And when he told me about that, I thought, "Oh yeah, I do that too."
Most of my content focuses on 'outer game', because I think that's just generally easier for guys to focus on, and that the 'inner game' will catch up once the outer game's tight.
But there's a converse to this too: even once your outer game is solid, and your fundamentals are great, you can still slack off a lot when you're not in the right headspace.
Try this: wherever you are, right now:
Remember the last pretty girl who gave you a look when you were out somewhere. What did her face look like? Her body? What sort of signs of interest did she give you?
Remember the last time you felt like you were on top of the world. Was it just after you got out of the gym? Just grabbed a number from a new girl or rolled in the hay with one? Had some other kind of victory?
Remember that when a man walks and acts in a confident way, everyone around him views him as a confident man. Perception is reality, in this case
Now, with those three things in mind, remind yourself that you are actually a pretty desirable guy
What happens to your fundamentals when you do this?
Do you straighten your posture up more?
Puff your chest out a bit?
Give your head a more confident tilt?
Open your eyes a bit wider, and become more alert?
Most likely you did these things, plus a host of other small things.
And all those small things add up together to make you stand out in a noticeable way from all the other people around you.
Send this article to anyone you know who thinks "You can't get a good-looking woman unless you're genetically blessed with natural good looks yourself!" to really blow his mind.
There's an interesting phenomenon I've paid some attention to over the years: the phenomenon of romantic couples looking facially quite similar to one another.
I first started paying attention to it when I noticed how different different people's assessments are of what is attractive. There's a thread on our forum where guys post pictures of their dream lays... any man who goes through that list is going to see some women he agrees with, and some women he says, "What? That's your dream shag?!"
Seriously, you should scroll through that list... you'll be surprised. Here's just a sample of what different men from the Boards rate as their dream girls to go to bed with:
What I began to notice over the years was oftentimes when a guy told me some girl was really hot, and I looked at her and thought, "Whoa... that girl is not really attractive at all," I could take a look at the girl, then take a look at the guy, and I'd discover they actually had a great deal of facial similarity. Similar eyes, similar nose, similar mouth, similar jawline.
And it would click: "Ahhhh... that's why he likes her. She looks like him."
When I'd look at celebrities, and scratch my head over why a wealthy, famous guy with his pick of nearly any woman he wants would choose as his wife some of the total dogs a lot of male celebrities seem to pick (in my tastes), I'd realize those dogs were, in fact, very facially similar to the male partner himself.
At the same time, from time to time, I'll notice couples whose faces are almost total opposites. This intrigued me too. I see it a lot less than the "dead similar" couples, but I do see it.
And as I saw all this, I started to formulate a theory, that gave me a better understanding of human mate choice matching.
This theory made me even more confident (as if I was confident enough) in my own pickups as well... because it helped me realize a few things about what kinds of girls were likely to be most receptive to me, and what kinds of girls I was likely to get on with best myself.
When some guys start cold-approaching girls, they go through a stage of “girls just blow me off.” Let’s explore why that’s happening and the brain hacks needed to fix it.
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On the Girls Chase forums, a user posted about his struggles with day game, a common issue for newbies. I’ll break it down into chunks so that you can learn the art of day game along with him.
So, if women are blowing you off before you even have a chance to get anywhere, thank Merchant's-Kin for bringing up the topic!
Here's the first part of Merchant's-Kin's post:
“Been struggling quite a bit with street game, because I can’t even stop a girl consistently while keeping without my heart racing, etc. (that’s where I’m at). There isn’t even an opportunity to test openers because I can’t stop girls consistently. They just blow me off.”
This is the beginning stage of learning cold approach: overcoming approach anxiety. It’s also the point where most men quit, right at the starting line.
We live in a distinctly unmotivated time.
During the settling of the American continent, European settlers burst through with boundless energy. They founded towns, warred with the natives, pushed into hostile and unfamiliar lands, and carved paths through a frontier in search of unknown fortunes.
In the American West, frontier towns brimmed with ambitious men who eschewed the comforts of civilized life, like fine clothes, fine food, or women -- some towns at some points had male-female ratios as stark as 754-to-1. Before the Gold Rush of 1849, California's population was 90% male.
Yet, this bothered the men little, for they were there to find wealth, greatness, or just to build or find something new.
Men of this age didn't need help with women. They found wives readily enough (when they returned to civilization -- or imported them from back home), and those wives didn't divorce them (and only infrequently ran off with other men).
Men of this age didn't lose themselves into aimless pastimes, comfort, and luxury the way men of later ages did either. Most led hard lives, with simple food, simple living, hard work, and simple pleasures.
Yet travel 150 years into the future, and their inheritors are an opposite picture.
American men today sit about all day, riding around in automobiles, their faces glued to screens, their testosterone levels crashed (17% down just from 1987 to 2004 alone), over 50% of the American population non-working (population: 329,227,746 citizens + ~12,000,000+ legal and illegal aliens; jobs: 137,802,000; total U.S. employment: <40.4%). Compare that to the Pioneer Age, when women and children worked all day (on the farm, on the ranch, at the market, making textiles, or in various other occupations)! Many Americans are disinterested in the work available (I have seen numerous men in trades talk about offering jobs or apprenticeships to unemployed younger men and having those younger men turn them down), while many have little thought to the future (1 in 6 older people plan to spend all their children's inheritance).
This apathy extends to all kinds of things, and is on the rise. When I got into the seduction space, most guys weren't that interested in pickup because they occasionally got laid or found girlfriends from their social circles (and that was enough for them).
Today, even fewer men are interested in seduction, yet for different reasons. Rather than it being because they got laid in other ways, a lot of men aren't having sex at all, and are completely apathetic about doing anything to change that situation.
There's less interest in pickup.
There's less interest in nightlife.
Men are dating in their social circles much less, and every man is on Tinder, where most women aren't.
More and more men aren't working, more and more men aren't getting laid, more and more men aren't doing anything other than to sit around with their time, watching their jobs disappear, their women walk by, and their histories vanish, and instead of doing anything to change any of that, more and more men just hang around, observe, and complain.
What's happened to men in the 21st Century, and how did they become so dull?
Sometime back, I wrote an article on giving girls oral sex (i.e., cunnilingus).
In it, I gave a tip of maintaining eye contact through the session if you want to ratchet up the intensity.
A reader writing in the comment section commented that his girl "hates it, finds it incredibly feminine." He adds that women in pornography "stare up at the guy while giving him a blow job, seeking approval." Then says that his woman doesn't want that.
It took me a moment to wrap my head around where this guy was coming from at first. Yet, then, I realized where that was.
With almost anything you can do, there are different ways of framing a thing, both internally (in your head) and externally (the way you present it).
In this case, here was me framing a thing one way. Then this reader came along and framed it another way.
This difference in framing gets picked up on by the woman herself.
I have seen a certain behavior since I got into the seduction community that seems to be fairly common.
It is a behavior of men seeking to bond with women by opening up about their weaknesses, foibles, and fears. Or else seeking to use women as de facto therapists.
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The end result is rarely what the man hopes for: instead, it hardens the woman on the man, turns her against him, and leads to him (the man) getting hurt.
Every time I see a man do this, my reaction is, "Why would you do that?"
And a lot of the time the man will answer with, "I thought she would care about me," or, "I just wanted to feel accepted," or, "I thought it was safe to open up to her."
Or they will say, "I thought women liked vulnerability."
It is true, women do like vulnerability. However, they like strong vulnerability.
They despise weakness.
Women are not cruel by default. But they very often are cruel to men they view as weak. This is an important principle to understand: women are kind to strong men, and cruel to weak men. This is because women adore strong men, and women despise weak men.
Even women with good hearts. Even women who do not want to hurt anyone. If you show weakness (not vulnerability, but weakness) to a woman, she is going to feel the emotion of disgust. She may be self-aware enough to resist this emotion, and recognize an injured soul and tell herself to feel compassion for you, but she is still going to be disgusted nevertheless.
You must not go around showing or flaunting weaknesses to women.
Especially not women you want to sleep with or have any kind of ongoing relationship with.
