Emotions | Girls Chase

Emotions

The effects emotions have on men and women, and how they can be a powerful tool in attraction and relationship building.

Do Seducers Seek Women's Approval?

seeking female approval
If you go out to flirt and talk with women, and you set up dates, and have sex, does that mean what you’re really after is female approval? Well, yes and no.

There is this argument that resurfaces every so often from the MGTOW/MRA/incel crowd. The argument is that by approaching women, flirting with them, asking them out, and sleeping with them, you are engaged in approval-seeking behavior. A seducer is the ultimate 'approval seeker', by this logic, because he devotes even more time to seeking out women to date and bed than an ordinary guy.

It's an interesting argument.

At its core, there is truth. There's a fair bit of approval seeking among some chunks of dating men. And in general, any public activity you engage in to any extent involves at least a little approval seeking.

Speaking to another human is always going to be a form of approval speaking: you want this other human to acknowledge (and approve of) your thoughts, perspectives, point of view. (If you don't think that's the case, then find me one person who has no reaction when his thoughts or perspectives are rejected and mocked by another individual. Such a man is very rare.)

You want to feel (in the language of today's progressives) validated (approved of) by others.

Your Girlfriend's Love Language Might Be Different from Yours

love languages
You want to spend quality time together, but she'd rather do things for you she thinks you'll like? Different love languages can cause more issues than you'd think... until you realize they exist.

One of the most controversial articles on Girls Chase is my piece "Should You Pay for a Date?" My conclusion of that article was "No, you shouldn't pay. Not based on my experience. Not if you sleep with or date a gal." Many men and some women agreed with me. Many other women flipped out that I'd suggest not paying for women. Some men also said they found it odd or counterproductive. You can go read the comments on that article to see how hotly contested the issue was (and those comments kept coming for years).

For years after I wrote that piece I assumed the outraged women were outraged at the threat the article posed to the free rides they enjoyed. Who wouldn't be upset at the prospect of losing a quite literal meal ticket? That last thing a gal needs is a lot of guys reading that article, then cheapening up their dates and splitting the bills!

And while some female commentators clearly had that as their rationale, not all did. Some professed to genuinely see a paid-for date as an expression of how the man values them. I was aware there are women like this, but always considered them outliers. I assumed most women who fought for paid-dates were simply girls who'd been pampered and didn't like the threat they might lose that pampering.

Yet, there's a psychometric theory called 'love languages' that might also explain the controversy.

According to Gary Chapman's theory of love languages, wanting gifts isn't just that someone is or isn't spoiled.

Rather, different people actually primarily gauge how other people value them in very different ways. And just as some people like quality time most, and some people prefer touch, there are people for whom the primary way they feel valued is through gifts.

Does Sex Damage Women's Long-Term Potential?

sex damage women
Do you make a woman worse as a future girlfriend, wife, or mother when you go to bed with her? Many people think you do.

On my article about player guilt, Ben asked:

Could  you address the final issue that you bring- that sleeping with women  damages their ability to have long term relationships?

You made a fairly convincing case that emotionally, assuming you are  going to flirt and go out and attract women, not sleeping with them  isn't doing them any favors.

Maybe we really shouldn't be going out and flirting with most girls  (excluding the ones who need an emotional escape or similar i guess)  from an emotional standpoint?

More importantly though, how do you justify flirting with girls then  sleeping with them, knowing it damages their ability to have long term  relationships? This bothers me more than the emotional aspect.

-ben

The issue he's talking about was where I paraphrased some 'web wisdom' thrown about about women. Some of it says sex is liberating to women. Some says sex is violent, oppressive, and patriarchal. Some say sex is empowering. Some say it ruins women for the long-term. Those aren't my opinions; they are however common tropes you will run into on the Internet.

Ben's question, though, is one worth exploring... particularly as it ties into the concept of player guilt (which that article Ben commented on was about). If you sleep with a woman, are you damaging her future potential as a girlfriend, wife, and mother?

A growing movement online seems to have arrived at the conclusion "yes, sex damages women's futures."

The men who arrive at this conclusion though follow a chain of logic that proceeds thus:

  1. Women with higher numbers of sex partners are, on average, worse partners and mothers

  2. Therefore, when men have sex with women, they degrade women's abilities to be competent partners and mothers

While we do have plenty of evidence that women are less faithful the more partners they have, and we've all heard anecdotes of irresponsible man-crazy single mothers ditching their kids to chase the homme du jour, there's a big causal jump between those two points. This casual leap of faith is where guys trip themselves up.

That is to say, women with high partner counts are (on average) worse as mothers and partners. This is true.

Yet their partner counts are a symptom of what makes them worse in these roles -- partner count is not the cause.

And when you take a woman to bed, you are also not 'the cause'.

How to Beat Bad Faith Arguments with the NUF Method

nuf method
Not every argument's made in good faith. Some are bad faith. When you encounter bad faith arguments, use NUF to beat them.

If you've had an insecurely attached or personality disordered paramour, you've almost certainly run into repeater arguments. A repeater argument is when someone uses a finite number of arguments for her position, on repeat. As you attempt to discuss each argument, she shifts to a new argument before you can achieve resolution. Then she shifts again with the next argument. Eventually you find yourself back at her original argument, and the cycle repeats. Repeater arguments are the main form of bad faith argument we'll discuss today. They aren't the only type. Yet they are the foundation of bad faith argumentation; someone arguing in bad faith will ultimately fall back to repeaters.

When you first encounter any kind of bad faith argument, you'll feel like you're going crazy. "Wait, we already talked about this argument 20 minutes ago. I thought we addressed that and moved onto your next argument?" Or "I can't understand if this person doesn't grasp what I'm saying, or is so closed minded she refuses to even consider my view?"

Next, you start to feel drained: "You're not listening at all. You use the same arguments again and again. Each time I address one, you skip to the next. Later you circle back to your earlier arguments as if we never addressed them."

Finally you realize you're locked in a one-way conversation. You listen and respond to the other person, but she won't do you the same courtesy.

You'll start to wonder: "Is she forgetting what we covered before? Is she doing this on purpose? Is she some kind of automaton with programmed responses, incapable of reflective thought? What's going on exactly?"

The more you wonder about this, the more mental and emotional energy you sink into the argument. The more fatigued you become.

Repeater arguments can be effective at causing ego depletion (i.e., the gradual 'wearing down' of willpower/resistance). Used this way, they're often effective ways for the repeater to get what she wants.

Yet, once you know how these arguments work, you can beat them. And once you can beat them, they lose most of their power over you.

Don't Chicken Out with Women; "Next Time" Never Comes

dating next time

There are many common errors men make in dating. These errors sabotage in small ways or large ways with women. The errors put guys through endless frustrations... usually of their own doing.

We'll talk about an error today in the way guys often think about "next time." Because it's sort of a big one, but it's likely one you won't stop to reconsider too often.

If you sift back through your memories, I bet you will find instances where you thought "I'll do it next time." See a beautiful girl? "I'll talk to her next time." Talk to beautiful girl? "I'll ask her out next time." On a date with beautiful girl? "I'll ask her home next time." Home alone with beautiful girl? "I'll make a move on her next time." As soon as you read these, I know you know the thoughts are counterproductive. If you're like most men, you still have them sometimes anyway though, don't you?

What's not included are the 'next time' thoughts you don't have. Like "That girl rejected me, but I'll get it next time." Or "My approach sucked. Next time will be better." Or "It's all gone tits-up with this girlfriend. But I'll do things right with my next one."

Men have these 'positive next time' thoughts far less often than they should. Yet they are a key to staying sane in the moment, and heading off neediness before it crops up.

Female State Control (FSC): Social Frame and Comfort

female state control
To avoid triggering Female State Control in the women you seek to bang, it helps to focus on particular concepts, such as social frame, investment, and comfort.

Welcome back. I promised to share my latest insights on female state control (FSC). We've been discussing this new concept over the last few weeks, so here are the previous articles if you haven't had a chance to read them:

  1. Female State Control (FSC): Theoretical Causes and Effects
  2. Female State Control (FSC): Preemptive Measures

Quick recap: FSC is a defense mechanism that auto-regulates a woman’s state whenever she feels that her emotions are getting out of control. A woman may be stimulated by a guy too much, too fast. Despite enjoying the strong emotions this man elicits, it can become too much for her, causing her to slow things down or outright eject.

Here are three reasons a woman needs to regulate her state:

  1. To protect herself: she wants time to assess and know that a guy is safe to hook up with. She needs to regulate her state so she can make a sober judgment of him.

  2. To feel in control of the situation and not feel helpless: knowing that she is in control creates comfort

  3. To maintain her social/sexual power: by putting out too much, a woman gives away social power, which she could otherwise use to create social bonds and acquire providers

A woman controls her state in these ways:

  • Putting herself away from you: she will leave to go dance, go to the bathroom, and so on
  • Turn cold (out of the blue)
  • Have her friends drag her state down (cockblock you or cockblock her)
  • De-escalate the interaction

FSC can be misinterpreted as anti-slut defense (ASD), which shares similar symptoms.

In my previous post, we discussed solutions on how to avoid FSC by:

  • Slowing things down
  • Focus on frames rather than buyer’s temperature

Today we will go further by looking at what we can do to bypass it.

How to Get Somewhere with a Girl: The Floors and Ceilings Method

how to get somewhere with a girl
It’s simple to get somewhere with a girl when you use the floors and ceilings method. Raise her floor, and raise her ceiling, and she will soon be yours.

I just talked to Alek about his neat new series on Female State Control. If you haven't read it yet, check it out (see the link).

When we talked about that, it brought up a way of thinking about how to get somewhere with a girl I've long had, but not discussed much. I've talked about it here and there, especially with deep diving and connection stuff. It's a sort of basic understanding of how progress with women works.

This understanding is what we might call 'The Floors and Ceilings Method'.

This method is very slightly complicated to understand. But not much. And once you have it, it gives you another dimension to understand male-female courtships with.

The method isn't limited to seduction. It also works with sales. It works with new friendship formation. Any kind of new relationship formation, especially where you want to get someone to do something, uses it. We'll focus on using it with women you like in this article, but it applies everywhere.

This is a simple method. I'll explain how it works, and you'll soon see how it applies to so many things.

Before You Can Learn, First You Must Deprogram Unhelpful Beliefs

deprogramming bad beliefs
Before you can put new beliefs in, first you must push past old bad beliefs that conflict. But what if you don’t even know you have them?

There are two sides to learning.

On the one hand, there's learning something new. This side is important. You need to learn new strategies to get what you want. You need new techniques. You must give yourself new mindsets, new behaviors, and new mental models. All this is vital.

There's another side though that's a lot more overlooked. This side is in many ways even more important than the first side (learning), because without it, the first side is tough or impossible. This second side is that of unlearning. It is the art of deprogramming.

Everyone knows when a cult member makes it out of a cult, he has to go through a long period of deprogramming. This is worst for children raised within that cult, where the cult is all they've ever known. People raised in a religion who reject that religion go through it. People raised outside religion who later embrace it go through it too. The unlearning -- the deprogramming -- is as crucial as and in many ways more crucial than the learning. Until a man deprograms himself of old beliefs, he doesn't have the room to take on much in the way of new ones.

Deprogramming lies at the heart of switching from an ineffective way of trying to get what you want to an effective way.

Yet, sometimes, some men are wholly resistant to deprogramming.

And when you can't deprogram a man, you can't reprogram him either.

Which is bad for all sorts of reasons, if his old program is not a good, useful, helpful one for him.

Female State Control (FSC): Preemptive Measures

female state control
In our continuing study of Female State Control, we consider methods to avoid it entirely, including better calibration and focusing more on frame control than arousal.

Hey, guys. Welcome back.

In my previous post, I discussed a new and different form of resistance that we labeled Female State Control (FSC). This form of resistance is very common, different from the other more well-known resistance type called anti-slut defense or ASD. The difference is that ASD deals with her defense mechanism against slut-shaming and other negative social consequences related to female promiscuity.

FSC is a biological mechanism that helps women make rational choices about sex partners. Women tend to get easily carried away in their emotions, and that is usually beneficial to their purpose of nurturing and also grants them a higher emotional intelligence (EQ) than men. Strong emotions can help her make good decisions (emotions hindering rational decision-making is not always true; often, it is quite the opposite). However, when emotions seem to be too strong (too much of the good stuff), there is a potential risk of her getting carried away, hence increasing the chance of making an irrational choice.

We must understand that women are instinctively more risk-averse than men, partly because of the higher risks they may experience during pregnancy. Therefore, it is imperative that women are more selective than men when it comes to choosing a mate.

So, whenever a woman is getting carried away, she has an underlying conscious voice that forces her to pull herself out of situations where she can get carried away, by:

  • Resisting
  • De-escalating the vibe
  • Going to the bathroom
  • Having her friend cockblock her
  • And so on

These actions allow her to gain control of her emotions and make a rational choice. This is FSC.