Dating

Just had a chat with a friend about this today. He was doing party dates a lot with girls and getting frustrated that the night never quite ended the way he hoped it would.

The basic idea behind a party date is you’ve met a girl, talked to her on the phone a few times, traded text messages back and forth, and now you’re ready to invite her on a date. So you sit there, wracking your brain… what’d be a fun thing to do? Hmm, well… then, you think of it: the party date! Your friends are having a party this weekend – you should invite this new girl to join you!

After all, a party’d be a great idea, right? Your date can see you with your friends, which will reassure her you’re a sociable guy and people like you, and you can hang out with her in a high-energy environment, and it is after all an excuse to do some drinking, yeah? Maybe she’ll even see you flirting with another girl, and she’ll want you for sure after that.

Well, we already covered the major dos of dating in “Date Templates” and “Simplify Your Dates,” so this piece is going to focus instead on one of the major don’ts. Because, as great as it may seem, inviting your date to a party is one of the worst date ideas you can have the misfortune of falling prey to, and most assuredly something you don’t want to do.

Was just talking with a good friend of mine about dating etiquette, and he asked me if I ever request that women turn their cell phones off on dates. He said he finds it quite annoying when girls are taking calls and texts while they’re spending time with him.

I can certainly understand that. I think it’s a common human reaction, feeling ignored or mildly disrespected when someone who’s supposed to be there for you isn’t entirely present in the moment and there for you; at the same time she’s on a date with you, she’s busy communicating with other people. How rude.

Me though, I never tell girls not to take those dating phone calls or not respond to those text messages they get when they’re out with me. The closest I’ve come is when things have been hot and heavy with a girl and someone starts blowing up her phone, and if she seems reluctant to answer it I’ll tell her, “Don’t answer it,” in a very seductive half-whisper. If she wants to answer it though, I’m not going to stop her.

And I have a few very good reasons why.

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Let's begin.

Just met with a client who is doing pretty well for himself – he slept with a few girls off a coaching session we had late last year, and is a likeable enough guy in his own right with plenty of women interested in him. During this evening’s session, we discussed a couple of different things, and one of the things we discussed was dating.

One of the things we touched on in dating was having “straightforward dates.” I mentioned how my dates these days typically entail a girl meeting me and going to a café or a bar with me, us having a little to eat and drink, then me inviting her home and us proceeding to get intimate together.

My client said I made it sound easy, but he didn’t think it was. I told him I didn’t really want to do the whole shopping / visiting art galleries / doing crazy things, and neither did the girl; we both just wanted to talk a bit, then get together, so why not just do that? Keep things to straightforward dating, basically.

Today I found myself reading an article on the Washington Post’s website titled “Date Lab: A Matchmaking Year in Review”. It was all about these blind dates that the newspaper had sent people on throughout the year. I clicked through and read about each of the dates discussed, and paid attention to why the dates that didn’t pan out didn’t. For every single one of them, it came down to the same exact story as what I used to read when things didn’t work out in the monthly Pacific Beach magazine in Pacific Beach, San Diego, where they’d also have a blind date they sent a pair of readers out on each month.

I’ve come to the conclusion, based on my own experiences, that of friends, and of all these blind dates I’ve read about, that dating doesn’t work out the majority of the time because the guy doesn’t measure up. If you read about the blind dates that don’t work out in that Washington Post article, you’ll notice a similar thread through all of them: the guy says When I saw her, I definitely was physically attracted to her, and the girl says When I saw him, I instantly knew he was not my type.

Why is this so consistently the case?

I’m a huge proponent of comparison and analysis. One of the things I always look at is success rates, how women talk about guys, and how those guys treat women. Something funny I noticed a while back about some differences in how some men communicate with women versus how some other men communicate with women struck a chord with me, and I modified my communication accordingly. Since then, it’s been stronger and easier, and women chase me more.

Sounds like a magic bullet, no? In a way, it kind of is. So here’s the secret formula: take all those times and instances where you’re being ultra clever, and… scrap clever. Toss it in the trash heap.

Sometimes, a man will meet a woman he just hits it off with and really likes. He starts spending time with her, doing all kinds of activities with her, just the two of them together, and doing everything a good boyfriend would do – before he’s slept with her.

I call this being an “early boyfriend”, and it’s bad news for all sorts of hideous reasons.

The bad: being an early boyfriend makes a woman lazy and complacent about actively working to move things forward. Women also take men for granted whom they haven’t become physical with – if a woman hasn’t slept with you yet, she’ll tell herself there’s a good reason why.