Secrets to Getting Girls

Many guys try to connect with girls as fast as possible. But if the aim is romance, attraction must precede connection – or you (likely) won’t get the girl.

A month back, in response to multiple members of our forum saying they’d been deep diving girls (i.e., seeking to build deep connections with them) early on into their courtships, I talked about the proper times to use a deep dive.

The tl;dr of that article was that you want to save your deep dives until you are in isolation on a date or deeper into a pickup, generally. Today I want to go deeper into the elemental aspect of courtship that makes this so: the secret that attraction must precede connection.

Sure, it happens sometimes that a man and woman form a connection first, then attraction later blossoms, and romance stems from that. That does happen. Especially in Hollywood romantic comedies! But this is not the norm; nor is it a dependable or a very repeatable process.

If you want consistency in your seductions, attraction > connection.

Attraction must come first.

Inexperienced daters often give girls experiences that are hesitant, formulaic, & paint-by-the-numbers. In other words, not fun. But what IF they had FUN?

Here is a little secret with big effects:

Sitting with a girl trying to decide what to do next? Do what feels fun.

Talking with a girl in a park and wondering what comes next? Do something that feels fun.

On a date with a girl in a café and trying to plan the next step? Do what feels fun.

In my next article we’re going to talk about attraction models. Models are really important. The right gambits and tactics are important. But you also need to give yourself room to enjoy being with a girl.

To do that, you need to have fun.

People become hooked to things that give them specific social rewards. A good seduction follows the same principle, weaving a delicious romantic spiderweb.

What's it take to create a masterful seduction... one that pulls a woman in and magnetizes her to you, all the way to intimacy?

Talented seducers do something different from what ordinary daters do.

Well, they do many things different, but we're talking about one in particular today:

They construct a path of rewarding social/romantic experiences for women to encounter as they proceed through the course of the seduction with them.

Each step of the seduction journey reinforces to the woman how good it feels to be a part of the seduction, how much she wants to be around this man, and why she must continue.

This 'spiderweb of rewards', built well, keeps a woman hooked into the seduction, a thing that feels so good she does not want to leave.

If you can get yourself to think of seduction as a 'reward generation machine', you will begin to think of it the way all master seducers do.

Women run off when men come on too strong for them. Yet, they lose interest when men come on too weak. You must calibrate to the girl to effectively seduce.

Alek's recent strident indictments of direct game (part 1 | part 2) caused a small uproar on here and generated a flurry of both nodding heads and vociferous disagreements.

The main arguments against Alek's position of "direct game does not work (very well)" seem to be 1.) "well, it works for me", and 2.) what about guys whose methods are primarily direct game, a la Hector Castillo?

I'd like to address both Alek's point that very direct game usually doesn't work as well as more indirect game, plus the fact that sometimes it does work (though not nearly as consistently).

Note that we aren't talking about direct vs. indirect openers here. We're talking about the whole game system a man employs. I'd add that what Alek recommends (as well as what I do), while we tend to call it 'indirect game', is really an indirect-direct fusion that combines elements of both styles, but leans a bit more indirect than direct. I'll spell out more what the difference is between direct and indirect as we go.

In today's article, I'll boil down the answer to those questions above with a simplified framework that anyone can understand. That framework is this:

In a good seduction, what allows you to proceed with the girl is similarity of interest.

The closer your expressed level of interest is to the level of interest she's currently feeling, and the better you pace her interest levels as the seduction progresses, the better able you are to hold her interest and guide the seduction toward a licentious night in bed.

What trips men up on interest levels?

Either showing

1. too much (i.e., too direct) or
2. too little (i.e., too indirect)

interest in the girl they're courting.

Every step of the way in dating and seduction, women have 'levels' you can unlock. And once you've unlocked a level, it stays unlocked.

In the back of your head, in every courtship you have, you must aim to unlock new levels.

A woman you've slept with is far easier to sleep with again than a woman you haven't slept with yet. This is because you've 'unlocked' the sex level with her. This is just one level, but look at how big a difference there is between women you have slept with and women you haven't.

With the woman you have slept with, you've done it together. She remembers doing it with you. And she won't have nearly the resistance to doing it with you again that a woman who's never been with you will.

Every man realizes this... at least in principle. And at least with women they've already closed the deal with.

It's why men invest a lot more time and energy into booty calling ex-girlfriends and former friends-with-benefits than they do random women from social circle or work they haven't slept with. She might not be sleeping with you currently, but if she's slept with you before, she's a lot more likely to come for a shag than a girl who hasn't bedded down with you yet.

This principle of 'unlocked levels' is also why you see so many women hung up on their exes, even when they know the guy isn't what they want, even when they have seemingly better guys pursuing them they could sleep with (then date)... yet they go back to the ex anyway.

It's why women you hooked up with once back in high school or college, when you run into them 10 or 15 years later, are still significantly easier to bed than any random woman you've just met, all things being equal (e.g., commitment status, etc.).

Once you've unlocked the 'sex' level with a woman, it's permanently unlocked (more or less).

That doesn't mean just because you've slept with a girl before, you definitely can get a repeat at any point in the future. Sometimes doors close.

But it does mean it's going to be a heck of a lot easier for you with her than with a girl you haven't gotten intimate with yet. The doors you've opened are a lot more likely to stay open to you than random closed doors are to open on their own.

But it isn't just sex that works this 'unlock the levels' way.

It's everything.

Some guys slowly circle, other guys charge in. But if you want the most consistent results with girls, you'll do neither such thing…

It'd be nice if you could approach a girl, do a few things, and she just goes right to being your girl right after that, right?

Most women you'll meet aren't ready to go the moment you meet them, however.

Instead, you have to take them through a process.

You have to get them comfortable with you. You have to get them to follow your lead. You have to awaken their lusts. You have to create situations where they are alone with you and can slip into a more intimate interaction. You have to invite, and you have to lead.

The approach an ordinary man takes with women typically falls to one of two extremes:

1. He takes baby steps, but too few and too slowly. These men are the hesitant men, who don't want to blow it with a girl, so they go slow and walk soft. They stay well within the bounds of acceptability, but end up so tentative girls don't realize they like them, or if they do realize it, they find the guys too tame and aren't interested.

2. The other type of guy takes big steps, but rushes. These men are the aggressive men, who don't want to waste time on uninterested women, so they go fast and make bold moves. They cross the bounds of acceptability with many women, since these bounds are different for every girl and if you're trying to move bold and move fast (and aren't using much finesse as you do it) you don't have time to figure out where each individual girl's boundaries are. The result is men like this succeed with the women who were open to what they wanted and whose bounds matched their moves (a minority of women), while they blow themselves out or scare off the women for whom they make too many bold moves, too fast, or go too far out of bounds (the majority of women they meet).

It's better to be Guy B than it is to be Guy A, generally. Guy B at least will get some decent success with girls, even if he blows it with most of them. But you have to be a bit of an asshole to pull off the Guy B approach.

Guy A spends too much of his time pining away after girls who may not even realize he likes them, or do realize it but don't feel anything for him (and never will, since he never really does anything with them).

Both men are extremes though.

One moves too slowly and softly, like a seduction sloth.

The other moves too brazenly and rushed, like a seduction rhinoceros.

The way the most adept seducers move is neither like the slow-moving, soft sloth, nor the brazen, rushed rhino.

The best seducers move like a cat: lots of little steps, made quickly, before they pounce.

When your words, actions, and moves aren’t timed right, it all feels wrong and incongruous. Yet when the timing is right, everything becomes magic.

When a comedian makes a joke, even if it’s a spectacular joke, if the timing is wrong, nobody laughs.

Usually on Girls Chase we talk about timing in the context of:

• Escalation windows
• General calibration
• Moving faster
  

Yet timing snakes its tendrils through everything you do with women. Timing matters in your opens. Timing matters when you ask for investment. Timing matters at transition points. Timing matters during the pull, the kiss, and the escalation to intimacy.

If your timing is off, everything in your process will be off. You’ll fly blind through the courtship, trying this here and that there. Timing, you will notice if you observe enough guys in action, often is the Achilles’s heel of many men who work hard in seduction but reap few rewards. When you see such guys, your frequent reaction will be “Why is he doing that then? He should’ve done that 10 minutes ago!” or “Why is he saying this now? She’s not ready for that yet!”

We’re going to tackle timing in two ways today.

The first is to give you a rough sequence of events a courtship progresses through.

The second is to give you a couple signs to watch out for to let you calibrate your timing no matter where you’re at with her.