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I want to make a brief side trip from seduction today to talk about a broader social distinction you will run into that it’s vitally important to understand.
That is the distinction between artificial hierarchies and personal appeal.
In the broader social arena, when it comes to getting hired on jobs, or dealing with legal issues, or negotiating mano-e-mano, or differentiating even between social circle game and cold approach pickup, you’ll find that most people seem to be stronger in one area – navigating and leveraging artificial hierarchies, or appealing to and swaying individuals personally – than they are the other.
And when you’re in your element, you will often find things easier; conversely, when you’re out of it, things will often become fiendishly hard and you will not know why.
The reason why frequently is because you’re trying to achieve your objectives using the wrong strategy for the situation at hand... because each of these two types of power structures require very different approaches.
Very few people ever come to grasp this well enough to move fluidly back and forth between the two.
A
reader writes in, asking the following questions:
“”Chase,
I’ve read several of your articles, and I can relate to quite a bit of what you say. However, it seems to me that in your scenarios, the guy is always the one who is at fault. It’s as though the girl is fully functional, prepared to choose who she is interested in and whether or not the guy fits in to one of her categories, I guess robotic in a way. What I’m trying to get at mainly is the no second chance with women idea. Like if you don’t move fast enough she is gone for good. Is it really the case that the guy has to do everything right or else he is out? This perplexes me as we live in a society where equal opportunity for race, genders, and sexuality is at the forefront. In the corporate world and in the military, women are continually given more and more power/leadership/etc. They are no longer viewed as the traditional queen role from what I see. In this respect, why must the guy solely be the one to make things happen fast, take her as his lover before she flees to the next guy, and so on.
Perhaps I have read your writings incorrectly, but your advice (though as I said much of it rings true with me) seems to put the vast majority of the burden on the guy’s shoulders.
Also, let’s say that I screwed it up with a chick. I took her as my lover, but then later decided she was no longer interested. Walked away, realized I made a mistake. Apologized a couple weeks later, she says she has moved on to someone else. Your principles seem to be true here at first, but when she blames me for the fallout, then comes to the bar that night and makes out with me, only to run off and go kiss on some guy’s cheek, and give all sorts of mixed signals thereafter, things get hazy. No second chances, but I’ll make out with you? It just doesn’t click with me that anyone has all of this figured out. Life isn’t black and white, I don’t think.
I would appreciate your reply!””
So, there are a lot of interesting questions and themes in here worth addressing:
I’m not really going to talk about the other bullets here – I
addressed the “do/should guys REALLY have to do EVERYTHING?” question
here a few weeks ago: “What Role Should Women Play in the Mating
Game?” I’ll throw a quick bone to that one though because I
have a couple more things to say on it you should find interesting. The
third bullet is addressed in that post, and the fourth and fifth in
these two: “Mixed Signals from a Girl: What These Mean”
and “The Paradox of the Flirty Girl.”
Let’s talk about second chances though, because that’s one it seems like a lot of guys want to know about, and it’s worth discussing for sure.
I happened
upon an article entitled “An
Open Letter To My Future Wife: How I Plan To Make You Happy Every Day
Of Your Life” earlier today, written without a doubt very sincerely
to the author’s imagined future wife – here’s a short excerpt:
“I promise to do my best to make you beam daily, so count on many surprises. Your smile will be my priority. I get weak knees when anybody smiles, so just imagine the effort I will make to be the source of yours.
I promise I will always look at you with the same adoration as I did the moment I realized I loved you.
I promise to try to ignite the same sparkle in your eyes I see when you’re surprised, inspired, motivated or when you are about to lean in to kiss me.
I promise to hold your hand when we’re 80 years old with the same liveliness that I did when I crossed that line to hold yours for the first time. I vow never to let the excitement of dating me die down; I will surprise you with the location, the reason or the activity itself.
I promise to keep you guessing where we’re going next. I promise to do my best always to interest you. I will keep reinventing myself, gaining new hobbies, new knowledge and new interests to keep you — and myself — entertained.”
... and it goes on like this for quite a bit.
At the bottom of the article are plenty of Facebook comments from girls praising (sort of) the article, of course, saying things like:
There’s even a female commenter saying (jokingly) “Marry me!”
But of course, no one’s actually lining up to marry this guy... despite all he’s promised.
A reader named Nick writes in with the following question, wondering how to check out a girl:
“Hey Chase,
Love the site! Incredible and concise/no B.S. information! I didn’t see where to shoot you a questions but I was interested in your take on checking out women. Is there a right and wrong way to do it. One that makes them feel sexy and shows my masculine presense vs just being another guy chicking out a great ass or pair of phenominal tits. Would love to see an article on checking out women the right way so that both parties (especially me) enjoys it. I live in NYC and it’s coming up on good weather. It’s sometimes hard (pun intended) not to look. Cheers!
Nick”
The short answer to Nick is yes – there absolutely is a way to check her out in a way that makes you come off strong, masculine, and sexually appealing, and that turns her on and makes her excited to be getting checked out by you.
And there are also plenty of ways that instantly make you “just another guy” checking her out, too.
What’s the difference? It’s what we’ll discuss in this article.
So let’s have a look at how to check a girl out in a way that actually turns her on, and makes her want to get to know you – rather than the opposite.
I was sitting in a cafeteria having a quick bite to eat
the other
day when I saw an elegantly dressed young woman in a long but casual
summer dress stroll in at the far side of the cafeteria, turn about
slowly and elegantly as she assessed her surroundings – perhaps looking
for someone, or perhaps just deciding if there was anywhere here she
wanted something to eat from – before at last turning and walking back
out the door she’d come through again, still with great elegance.
I’ve been thinking about elegance lately, and its cousin, sexiness. It occurs to me that taken together, these two qualities can largely describe every attractive person out there: he or she is either elegant, or sexy, or some mix of both.
It also occurs to me that almost no one out there really is all that elegant or sexy at all... neither the men nor the women, and it doesn’t matter where in the world you go to or what country you visit.
There are lessons here, for what you look for in a mate, what you allow yourself to feel entitled to enjoy, and how you construct yourself, and I think they’re all worth peeling back.
In case you haven’t seen it yet, a 22-year-old named Elliot Rodger went on a killing spree, stabbing to death three people, shooting three more, and then turning the gun on himself.
Before doing so, he posted a video on YouTube in which he talks about his rationale:
Out of curiosity, I watched it, though I usually prefer avoiding the news since there’s always another death, always another killing... yet in a rather mixed batch of emotions, covering everything from horror to rage to sadness to recognition, I knew exactly what I was seeing.
Because I think a lot of young males in Western society go through what Elliot went through – I know certainly I did – and while it’s easy (and undoubtedly true) to say that had he hung in there a few more years, his life would’ve gone dramatically differently, as would have the lives of his victims, it’s worth taking a moment to understand what was going on inside the man that prompted him to do things he could never take back...
... and also, for anyone bothered by thoughts of following a similar path, what he should have done instead.
In “How to Use Situationally Relevant Openers
with Women”, a reader named Christopher made the following
comment:
“Hello, Chase!
This post is great to develop your skill.
But, there was a situation I was stuck.An interesting one.
I was always successful with women since 2011, using simple and funny pickups. But I entered in an environment with high caliber women. They are very experienced and hard to control, but still show enough interest, so I can’t give up on them. I can’t say that there is no male concurrence. Real men with huge fundamentals.
So, could you write a post on a professional pickup, cause there have little effect on them.(they have seen a lot like this)”
It’s a little hard to follow, but if I’m reading it right Christopher’s recently run into a problem in that the approach he’s found success with picking up other kinds of women has fallen flat with professional (career) girls, who tend to be more used to holding their own around men and are frequently surrounded by plenty of ambitious and successful male options in their work and social lives.
And that’s actually a great observation (assuming I’m reading the comment right)... it IS quite different picking up professional women than other categories of women (students, retail / service industry workers, etc.).
They look for and respond to different things, and if you aren’t expecting that or aren’t calibrated to what women in the professional world are looking for, you can quickly be thrown for a loop.
We
recently moderated yet another comment where the comment author
(a woman this time, though we get both men and women doing this)
weighed in with something like, “I think this only
works on women who aren’t as strict about who they sleep with or are
more sexually open.”
We get comments like this sometimes.
The non-politically correct way of saying what she just said, of course, is, “This only works on sluts.”
This is a pretty common viewpoint among first-time readers of seduction-related materials, male and female alike. They read it; it grates with their belief systems; and they respond back stating that they’re pretty sure this only works on XYZ category of women that does not include them (or does not include the women that they date or want to date or have a crush on if they’re male).
And they make the statement that, “This only works on sluts,” and feel much better about themselves.
There, says the woman, now everyone knows that *I* am not a slut, and this would never work on *me*.
At last, says the man, someone has set the record straight, and shown these people that women like my precious Esmeralda would NEVER go for a man like this.
Yet, out of the black-and-white polarities of the all-text Internet, the real world is far more nuanced than those who would polarize womankind into “good girls” and “sluts” would have you (and themselves) believe.
Howdy, gents,
A few quick updates on the site so you're all patched in:
