I've been teaching in this space for over a decade-and-a-half now.
I know a guy who has these baffling (to me) relationships.
His stated objective is to find a wife.
He will find women who enter into relationships with him, whom he considers marriageable. These women talk to him about wanting something serious, tell him he's the best and most exciting guy they've been with; some of them even talk about marriage with him, or about him impregnating them.
He never moves things forward and always keeps his relationships at a kind of "casual+" level.
The women get frustrated and begin asking him what he wants with them, causing drama, telling him they cannot get a read on him and don't know what his intentions are.
He takes this as a sign their interests are not aligned, and begins having doubts / pulling back.
Eventually women break up with him in frustration, which he concludes meant they were never right for each other to begin with. Or sometimes he breaks up with them in annoyance at the drama, concluding they weren't looking for what he is.
He then begins picking up again, still looking for a wife. He's been repeating this process, over and over, for 20 years. He often says he thinks when he finds the right woman, it will just click.
With his most recent girlfriend, after she laid all her cards out on the table, told him he's the best guy she's been with in a long, long time, told him she wants a baby with him, then said she can't get a read on what he wants, his response to her was, "Well since you're not clear on what you want, we can take it day by day."
When I saw this confounding display, it got me thinking about the psychology there.
Because I have seen other men do things like this too.
And to me it's always looked inexplicable! What is a guy like this thinking, in doing things this way?
Well, it was inexplicable, until I really dug into it.
Today I'm going to talk about how people evaluate other people's wants and aims.
I'm going to talk about deciding what things someone says or wants matter vs. which don't.
Then we're going to talk about how people decide who's a fit for them -- and how they decide who isn't.
Foreword: This post was written in 2021 during the COVID-19 pandemic. The advice offered here is universally valid, although the introduction mentions the current context. If you happen to read this post later, you may skip or skim the introduction.
Hey guys, and welcome back!
As the nightlife is gradually reopening around the world, many (myself included) are starting to go out again. It can be difficult to get back “in field” and go out and meet girls again. We’ve been deprived of social interactions for so long... Many were locked up in our flats, not being allowed to socialize!
Obviously, it’s taken a toll on our skill and momentum. We feel a bit off, uncomfortable, unsmooth, and we probably are. The advice surrounding negative macro-momentum still applies. It is natural, and you shouldn’t take it personally. Momentum goes up and down, and feeling bad about being in low momentum will only make it worse. Just accept that you may be in a rough spot (back in June 2021, I was too), and plow your way back to former glory! It took me a month; it may take longer for you.
One thing takes a big hit when you’re facing low momentum: your opening and hook game. Strategic choices and escalating the vibe will also be affected, but these happen after you’ve opened and hooked the girl, which means you will feel more comfortable interacting with her. Remember that most social discomfort and “lack of vibe” disappear when you are comfortably hooked into an interaction.
For this reason, I will dedicate one of my following posts (in two weeks or so) to a checklist of good openers so you can use them to practice your opening phase if you struggle with that. You cannot practice other skills (hooking, isolating, escalating) or get laid (unless you get a hail mary) if you can’t open girls.