Articles by Varoon Rajah | Girls Chase

Articles by Varoon Rajah

Interest Preference Desire

interest preference desire
If you want to do something, but you never take action do it... what is that? It’s a case where you have the interest – but lack the desire.

A friend who has been consulting with me about the dating world visited me recently for a weekend – and brought some interesting stories to share. He graduated from college last year and moved to a new city, landing a prestigious job at a highly respected global firm with a six-figure starting pay and great benefits (right out of school!). Basically, he fulfilled the career dream he had since before college, and now he lives in a beautiful new apartment in a great part of town, with lots of space and lots of money.

Regarding this side of his life, he’s completely fulfilled – well, sort of. He likes his life on paper, but after actually speaking to him about the details, I discovered he feels immersed in soul-killing consumerism. He liked my tiny, modest apartment with its very human and soulful feel. Before leaving, he said my vibe had rubbed off on him – he felt sweeter and more relaxed.

Yet on the dating field, he hasn’t gone on a single date since moving to his new city. He has been following Girls Chase for almost two years and has since improved on his vibe and does cold approach occasionally. However, he has yet to ask out a girl in his new town. He tells me that he’s waiting to become more fit (he goes to the gym regularly and is still looking for new clothes) to present himself better. He’s also working on his fundamentals and is pursuing new hobbies and meet-ups where he might meet women. He also laments that there are no women in his area he really has a desire for. In other words, he doesn’t find them attractive, so they’re not even worth approaching or pursuing.

I will note that he did enjoy the look of women in my area – so location is a factor indeed!

He wanted to know what he could do to start dating women, and I told him that right now, there’s nothing he can really do, because no matter what I tell him, he’s not actually going to do it. How did I deduce this? I told him that in this moment in his life, he doesn’t want to date or learn to be with women badly enough; his focus is still on building his career, not learning to attract women.

In fact, his desire, as it was during college, remains in climbing his career and making lots of money – a big factor in his choice of city – while he merely has an interest in learning about women and dating. I told him nothing would happen for him until he actually held a real desire to be with a woman; for now, a sufficient desire doesn’t exist in him. I told him he’s waiting for a “perfect moment” that will never actually arrive.

What he actually needs to do to make any progress is to get the ball rolling, but his desire to grow career-wise suffocates that process.

I wanted to break down why things were the way they were for him, and thus came about the topic of this article. It’s a little abstract but very useful in deducing people’s intentions.

One of the great life lessons I am getting ever more acquainted with is that what people say they want or like, and what they actually, truly want – and what they actually do – are often very different things. This is what we’re going to talk about today: why these inconsistencies exist and how they show up.

"I Hate You" and Other Fiesty Behaviors

I hate you
When a woman tells you she hates you, it’s not a bad sign. And when you trigger behavior like this, you know you’re doing something right.

“I hate you.”

“I hate you so much.”

I first began to hear this frequently when I started to play around with non-monogamy back in the beginning of 2015. I had just ended my last (to date) monogamous relationship and entered into a FWB arrangement with a total nymphomaniac. Details aside, she loved my cock and was totally devoted to me for the next six months. However, once in a while, we’d be hanging out and she’d stare me down with dark eyes and a frowning face, and say “I hate you” to me. Multiple times. At the time, I was speechless, and my typical response was just “...okay,” and then we’d get back to what we were doing.

Fast forward to 2017 – I’ve been running non-monogamous relationships for two and a half years. Having acquired a ton of knowledge since then, I’m actually a bit surprised when I don’t hear this. Instead, I hear this or some form of it – either verbally or non verbally – with every single girl I’m seeing.

  • “I hate you,” said directly to my face, multiple times

  • Passive-aggressive style non-verbal behaviors – like a girl inviting me over to hang out but then giving me a silent treatment of sorts, being intentionally distant while I’m with her; this includes refusing to kiss or have sex (at first) but still hanging out

  • Neediness from women about wanting to know exactly where she stands, expressed directly or indirectly – a girl will openly seek information (through indirect frames) about how I feel about her and whether or not I’m seeing other girls (and how I feel about them)

  • A girl suddenly changing her behavior to be extra nice, sweet, and affectionate toward me – this includes randomly volunteering massages or taking me out to dinner to a swanky place on her tab

Quite frequently, these behaviors continue long after a girl introduces these behaviors – especially well after we’ve had the relationship talk and I have told her that I will not commit to an exclusive relationship.

In fact, one girlfriend tells me “I hate you” literally every thirty minutes, if not more often, every time I see her, and she also texts me this on Snapchat from time to time. Her voice is always stern, her face frowning, and she’s very in my face about it.

“I hate you so much.”

How Much Can You Change About Yourself?

how much can you change
Some parts of ourselves, both mental and physical, are immutable. Exactly how much of ourselves (and what parts) can we actually change?

I was recently asked a very interesting question regarding human behavior and “nature versus nurture.” I myself ponder issues like this quite often, as I'm sure many Girls Chase readers do.

How much of who I am today was determined at birth? To what extent did culture, locale, parenting, etc. influence who I turned out to be? What aspects of my current “self” are the result of free will? Can attempting to change certain things about myself put me at odds with my nature and actually be detrimental to my well-being?

These are interesting questions that I love to explore for both men and for women. Most notably, are we truly ourselves, and can we change ourselves?

The truth of this matter is a rather convoluted mix of YES and NO. We are simultaneously human beings with immense control over our destiny – but also little to no control over our destiny.

Let’s explore!

What is Neediness, and Why Do Guys Get Needy Over Girls?

needy over girls
Why do guys get needy for girls? Neediness stems from approval seeking and/or expectation… Yet it’s not an emotion you want.

Neediness happens when you feel under threat.

It’s a sign one lacks something... but wants it – desperately.

Yet desperation is a big neon sign to vultures, and a repellant to attractive, good-hearted folks.

The most successful men in the world have a different air about them, and they also tend to do extremely well with women. Some think these men drink a special potion. Or maybe they were born gifted with women. Right?

But what if they just aren’t needy with women and don’t need women around to feel happy with their lives? Think of gay men, for instance, and why girls absolutely adore them. Girls tell them all kinds of stories, touch them in all kinds of ways. Part of this is because gay men are freer with their sexualities around women, and they naturally have strong fundamentals; they also do not desire women at all! They freely express themselves in attractive and honest ways around women, but they have zero desire to acquire anything from them.

Most men, when around women and in the pursuit of women, want something from them. They do not wish to be with women for the sake of being with women (and by this, I am also talking about sex, because sex is something women want, too). However, most men have a goal in their minds whether it be sex with her, to date her, or to add her on as a girlfriend, but they frequently do this without creating the framework for her to desire the same thing.

It is thus our task as men to not want anything from women. Instead, we must present frames and an attitude toward women that gets the women we desire on the same page as us. When a woman wants the same things as a man, then both parties are in alignment and can move forward together.

I read an amazing book recently: Pitch Anything by Oren Klaff. I plan to write a full book review on it. One of the key concepts Oren discusses in his book is the idea of neediness versus non-neediness. Here’s a quick description of what neediness is and why it’s so terrible:

“Classic validation-seeking behavior. Signals of desperation... giving any hint of neediness or any signs of desperation, plainly put, is like saying, ‘I’m holding a bomb that could go off at any minute.’ Everyone will respond by going on the defensive. Their first reaction is – Run!

Self-protection is an unconscious reaction that comes from the crocodile brain.... Neediness triggers fear and uncertainty, causing the target’s croc brain to take over – but not in a good way. It’s goal is to prevent further threat by effectively blocking out the higher-level brain, which likes to debate and consider and analyze. No time for that. Threat requires immediate action.

Neediness is a signal of a threat.... Neediness results in avoidance.

(p. 161)

If You Want to Get Good, Shut Up and Listen

shut up and listen
There are tons of great dating and self-improvement advice to turn yourself into a slick Casanova. But how many guys actually listen?

The inspiration for this article came from reading the Girls Chase forums, where I’ve noticed various flame wars initiated over the years by certain users who ask a detailed question about how to improve an aspect of their dating lives. The user then receives superb advice from fellow members who come with various levels of experience and angles... but the user doesn’t just ignore the angles presented, he flat-out rejects them.

Other concerned members step in and suggest that the user honestly consider the advice with an open mind – most importantly, to try it out before dismissing it.

In many cases, the advice has something to do with an obvious fundamental barrier that the asker is simply unwilling to explore. He thinks the issue isn’t important, or that it doesn’t apply to him, so he continues to ignore it, remains open only to the answers he came to hear, and eventually the discussion fizzles after everyone bails out of frustration.

Then, months later, the same forum user returns, asks the same question, and proceeds to reject the advice he is given – again. The cycle repeats.

Our friend remains in his bubble, static, unmoved, destined to repeat the same failures over and over again until he learns his lesson some other way – most likely the hard way – or never at all. That’s his choice. It's a conniving paradox. At his disposal is an invaluable resource – a group of like-minded men who will undoubtedly help him accelerate his goals. His inability to just shut up, open his mind, and trust the advice of experienced teachers and peers render his efforts practically futile.

It boggles the mind. How is a student able to judge good advice? How can a student know that a particular piece of advice is not at all applicable to him? How can someone who is seeking knowledge close his mind when multiple, experienced, well-intentioned peers are telling him the same thing?

Instinct-Based Game, Part 1: Your Gut Usually Knows

instinct based game
Your gut usually knows what the right thing to do on a date is. The challenge for many guys is learning to be in tune with that gut sense.

A few weeks ago, I found myself grabbing drinks with a girl I met on a dating app. She was pretty cute, a career girl through and through. While texting beforehand, she mentioned she had been working weekends and late nights, but she still made time to meet me on a Sunday evening after another 8-hour day in an 80-hour work week.

I arranged for her to meet me in my area at a lounge just a five-minute walk from my place.

I ran a great game over drinks. We were laughing and vibing at a high energy level the whole time; we talked about Fifty Shades of Grey and sex for a bit, I shared some adventurous stories, and we developed a passionate energy. Forty minutes into it, we got a second round of drinks and I started holding her hand. She was gripping back firmly, and we held hands periodically for twenty minutes. Effectively, she was complying and submitting, and I was firmly in control.

After an hour or so, I suggested we bounce and go grab a snack nearby. She agreed but also said she had to be at a friend’s house in an hour and a half; apparently there was some drama she wanted to clear up. We soon left the lounge holding hands and walking really close.

Book Review: Talent Is Overrated by Geoff Colvin

talent is overrated
Are you born talented, or do you learn it? Varoon reviews the book… plus why some men succeed as others flounder.

Throughout the history of the Girls Chase boards, I and some others have noticed two kinds of people who post:

  • Guys who ask few specific questions but are desperate to become perfect in dating right away, hoping to get from A to Z – right away, right now. They fixate on acquiring all the information ASAP to “beat the final boss” in the dating game, yet they never seem to post reports or focus on specific areas they need help with. They don’t want to play the game and learn it themselves over time, as all woman-experienced men have done. Over a period of months, they ask the same questions over and over without ever field testing advice given by guys with experience. Typically they get frustrated over their lack of results... and quit.

  • Guys who put forth specific situations and ask very specific questions, then listen to and immediately follow the advice they get. These guys have accepted and evaluated their current strengths and weaknesses, and they know exactly where they need to grow. These guys are asking lots of questions that are very pointed to specific areas needing improvement, and after they learn something new, they go field test it, over and over until they get it right. These guys have field reports popping up repeatedly with new questions or new skills. They post frequently but also demonstrate improving results.

I’ve always noticed that those men who’ve grown steadfastly and quickly tend to be the second type of guy. And in addition to the big pushes from Chase and others to go and practice rather than simply reading GC and learning, I discovered that I and those men have grown more through focused effort. In effect, we were training our behavior through live practice and feedback from the women around us.

Then I started reading Talent is Overrated by Geoff Colvin. This book argues that no human being is inherently talented; instead, we become extraordinary only through focused and deliberate effort. Everything clicked.

We’ve talked about this before in How to Master Anything. One of the tools that will get you the best, most consistent results in the long term in ANY field or exercise – including the art of attracting women – is deliberate practice.

Touch a Girl and Take Her Home | Podcast with Pablo Garcia

Welcome back to another edition of the Girls Chase Dating Mechanics Podcast. In this episode, I interview Pablo Garcia, Girls Chase contributor and winner of a seduction community contest for the seducer who could be the most new girls in a single year. In this podcast, Pablo gives you an incredible array of ways to touch women that turn

Turn Her On in the Club | Podcast with Alek Rolstad

In a jam-packed interview, Alek Rolstad shares how to turn girls on (big time) in bars and nightclubs. He shows you how to escalate touch to get her excited. He shows you how to decide WHICH girls to approach (and which girls not to bother with). He shares his approach to dealing with “wild card” situations, where random elements appear to help or hinder you.