What do these men have in common?
The wealthy investment banker or self-made multimillionaire business owner lounging in the VIP section of the nightclub with bottles of champagne, or skating about town in his brightly colored Lamborghini.
The sexy Mediterranean man, a silky accent rolling off of his Spanish or Italian or Greek lips, a specific flair about him that makes him seem rich with experience, intrigue, and hints of the romantic.
The enigmatic artist, a lone writer or fervent painter, who exists outside the system – neither retail worker nor manual laborer nor cubicle desk jockey, but creative, tortured soul consumed by his demons, and by a passion few keep past their first decade of life.
All these men have various different things going for them that trigger an assortment of different attraction triggers in women:
Conspicuous consumption, in the case of the wealthy man in VIP or a sports car
The novelty effect, in the case of the sexy Mediterranean man
Byronic characteristics, in the case of the flawed, creative artist
Yet, there is also something about each man that the majority of men
a woman meets lacks.
It is not something he is, so much...
It is something he offers her.
This thing he offers her is an adventure – one of romance, one of excitement, one of the unknown. One that seems to step right out of the romance novels women turn the pages of with ardor when no one is around to watch them (frequently slipping a hand delicately into their panties as they do so).
Adventure is the great equalizer, and it is the reason you will see overweight, balding, non-rich men ending up with women that trim, good-looking, well-off men struggle to get. Not because the former man is better, per se... but because he offered her something the latter may not have even known was important to bother offering.
No doubt you’ve heard women make statements like this before:
- “I want to feel alive!”
- “I want excitement!”
- “I want to know what it feels like to be passionate about something!”
- “I want to know what true love is!”
Would you ever make such a statement?
Of course not. This is not a thing men concern themselves with.
A man might want to be passionate... if he thinks being passionate might help him to get laid.
Otherwise, he won’t normally spend much time worrying about it.
But for women? They want to feel.
Women and Romance Novels
For all the hoopla over pornography (and pornography addiction), you’ll never hear a peep about romance novels. Women might freak out over men’s sexual material, but men just roll their eyes and groan over women’s.
In 2010, women spent $1.36 billion on romance novels in the United States.
40% of all mass-market paperback books sold? Romance novels.
55% of all popular mass-market fiction sold? Romance novels.
But romance novels are different... right? They’re not really like porn...
Yep, that’s right. While you were watching your favorite porn
starlet enjoy a spit roast, she was fantasizing about “the paint store
boys” and werewolves that want love.
And it turns out that women become addiction to romance novels just like men become addicted to pornography:
“Shaunti Feldhahn, a best-selling author, was concerned to learn that many romance novels are not as harmless as they look.
“In fact, some marriage therapists caution that women can become as dangerously unbalanced by these books’ entrancing but distorted messages as men can be by the distorted messages of pornography,” she wrote.
According to author of “Finding the Hero in your Husband” and psychologist Dr. Julia Slattery, there are similarities between what happens to a man when he views pornography and what happens to a woman when she reads a romance novel.
“There is a neurochemical element with men and visual porn, but an emotional element with women and these novels,” she wrote.
Men are very visual, and viewing pornography produces a euphoric drug in the body. This drug is the reason pornography becomes addictive. When the natural high wears off, a man will crash and feel depressed (as happens with any drug) and crave another hit.
Women are more stimulated by romance than sex, so they read romantic stories (and they don’t have to be explicit to work) they can experience the same addicting chemical release as men do.
She said she is seeing more and more women who are clinically addicted to romantic books.
The Romance Writers Association said, “Romance readers are a very dedicated audience who don’t see these books as a luxury, as much as a necessity.”
These books may be more than a necessity; they may be an addiction.
Many women do not see their love for reading romantic books as a problem, while others are admitting dissatisfaction in their marriages that may stem from reading these types of books.
“For many women, these novels really do promote dissatisfaction with their real relationships,” Slattery wrote.
Women may find their standard for intimacy begins to change over time because may not be able to get as satisfied with their partners as they can reading a book.
Pornography addiction counselor Vickie Burress said reading romance novels or viewing pornography may eventually lead to an affair for some women.
“Women involved in pornography have a hard time keeping their family together,” she said.”
Sounds like much of the same stuff we talked about happening to men
in the article on porn addiction.
It’s not just a Western thing. I’ve found women reading romance novels in pretty much every country I’ve spent any significant amount of time in. It’s a worldwide thing: men are suckers for porn... women are suckers for romance novels.
And what’s the one theme romance novels all have in common?
Adventure, uncertainty, and the heroine being plucked from her drab, dreary, ordinary life by a man operating on a higher plane.
What Makes Her Want Adventure So?
Imagine life for the average woman.
Every man around her is... kind of the same. Not very interesting. Not very passion inspiring. Not very exciting.
Yet, all day long, she’s bombarded by stories of powerful, sexual men whisking women away on adventures, on TV, in the movies, in the books she reads, even in advertisements... and she bombards herself with these, too: she actively seeks them out.
Now, that’s not to say that most women aren’t fairly ordinary creatures themselves. Almost everybody is. Or, everybody is period – just depends how far back you pull the magnifying glass.
From an inch away, everyone looks totally distinct. 10 feet away, not so much. A mile? Pretty much all the same.
But just like YOU long for a cool life filled with awesome things and buxom babes, SHE also longs for a life of adventure.
She may not get it. Chances are, she will live out her entire life without ever meeting a man who truly takes her on a legitimate, wild, pulse-pounding thrill ride of uncertainty and emotion and life.
She will meet a string of ordinary men, and eventually choose the most appealing of these ordinary men whom she can hold onto and settle into an ordinary life with him, and that will be that.
And, for your part, you could be such an ordinary man, and you will still end up with a woman eventually.
Will she be your “dream girl”? Perhaps; perhaps not.
But if you could offer adventure... if you could create adventure... then you would live a life of adventure yourself, too.
For you would become the kind of man that most women long to meet: the kind who possess the power to pluck them from their dull, gray existences and fill their lives with passion and meaning.
She wants adventure simply because a deep, primitive part of her craves it. She longs for it as all women have longed for it throughout history, all over the world.
She wants to feel. And nothing makes her feel quite like an adventure does... or, an adventurous man who offers her adventure and includes her.
If you’ve been following this site a while, you know we’ve covered all kinds of things about being the kind of guy who just oozes romance and adventure:
- How to Be a Sexy Man
to Become Romantic
- The 9 Secrets to Being a
- How to Be Edgy (and Turn
- How to Be
Smooth with Girls Every Time
- A Devil May Care Attitude: What It Is & How to Get It
Fundamentals: Handling Your Intangibles
- How to Be
Cool: The Ultimate 4-Part Coolness Formula
... and of course, plenty of other articles on creating that sense of romance and adventure within the context of your conversations with women:
- The Art of the Deep Dive
- The Conversationalist
- How to Build an Emotional Connection
- Make a Girl Feel Special: Seduction’s Silver Bullet
- What Does She Want? The 8 Things You Must Ask Her
- Emotional Cresting: What It Is and How to
... and more (there are tons of articles on conversation alone on this site).
And we’ve talked about identities and vibes as well:
- Constructing Your Sexy Vibe (and Making Girls Go Nuts)
- The 9 Male Identities and How They Affect You with Women
Flavors of Sexy: Brooding, Smooth, and Talkative Vibes
... and even where most men botch it up trying to be exciting and adventurous, but not doing so hot a job:
All of these things weave their ways back into the overall big picture of romance and adventure. But now, let’s paint the big picture for the kind of romance and adventure she’s looking for.
Misattribution of Arousal
Ever wonder why horror movies are so common a choice on dates (or at least, those dates that still entail snacking on popcorn and cuddling close in front of a glimmering screen)?
It’s due to a phenomenon known as “misattribution of arousal”; essentially what happens is, ANY heightened emotional state can be reinterpreted into an emotional anchor placed on another object (or person).
I’ll give you an example – Dutton and Aron’s famous “Some evidence for heightened sexual attraction under conditions of high anxiety” paper, published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology back in 1974:
“85 male passersby were contacted either on a fear-arousing suspension bridge or a non-fear-arousing bridge by an attractive female interviewer who asked them to fill out questionnaires containing Thematic Apperception Test (TAT) pictures. Sexual content of stories written by Ss on the fear-arousing bridge and tendency of these Ss to attempt postexperimental contact with the interviewer were both significantly greater. No significant differences between bridges were obtained on either measure for Ss contacted by a male interviewer. A 2nd study using 34 males involved a similar field setting and attempted to clarify findings of Study 1. A 3rd study in a laboratory setting manipulated anticipated shock to 80 male undergraduates and an attractive female confederate independently. Anticipation of own shock but not anticipation of shock to confederate increased sexual imagery scores on the TAT and attraction to the confederate.”
What Dutton and Aron found was that simply making men more frightened increased their motivation to follow up later with an attractive female significantly; the physiological arousal made their attraction for her go up dramatically.
Another study, “Passionate love and the misattribution of arousal”, conducted in 1981 and published in the same Journal of Personality and Social Psychology arrived at an even more nuanced conclusion:
“Two studies provide evidence that misattribution of arousal facilitates romantic attraction. In Exp I, arousal of 54 male undergraduates was manipulated through exercise. Arousal Ss liked an attractive female confederate more and an unattractive female less than did controls. In Exp II, arousal of 66 Ss was manipulated in a positive (comedy tape) or negative (mutilation tape) way; other Ss heard a nonarousing tape (textbook excerpt). Results replicate the interaction found in Exp I: Valence of initial arousal did not affect attraction to the confederate. Salience of plausible labels for arousal is hypothesized to mediate the misattribution effect.”
That is to say, whether exposed to a source of positive arousal (comedy) or negative arousal (mutilation), there was an increase in attraction for attractive members of the opposite sex and an equal increase in distaste for unattractive members of the opposite sex.
It didn’t matter whether the initial emotion created was positive or negative; either way, ANY strong emotional response amplified one’s feelings toward an opposite sex individual.
If she’s attractive, she looks more attractive; if she’s unattractive, she looks even more distasteful.
Many men seem to understand this intuitively; it’s why they do things like take girls to scary movies or scary roller coasters. But not all of these things lend themselves so well to easy sex logistics in our move fast world.
Romantic, adventurous men understand these principles at a higher level: they understand that if they can create the emotions of adventure and romance in a woman, they can amplify their own attractiveness to her and make her positively swoon.
Offering Her an Adventure
Your presentation (how you present yourself) to her is fundamentally important, but I won’t go into that in this article because we’ve already covered it in such detail other places on the site. For more on this, see the articles linked to at the start of this section.
Instead, what I want to do with this section is arm you with some tactics and strategies you can implement to begin offering adventure to the lives of the women around you.
Before I do that though, one last bit of research: “Distinguishing arousal from novelty and challenge in initial romantic attraction between strangers”, published in 2004 in the journal Social Behavior and Personality:
“This study attempts to disentangle the influence of arousal from novelty and challenge in the context of interpersonal attraction. Further, this study attempts to demonstrate the robustness of the arousal/attraction effect. Cross-sex stranger pairs participated in one of four game-like physical activities in a 2 (high vs. low novelty/challenge) X 2 (high vs. low arousal) between-pairs design, then completed a measure of romantic attraction. As predicted, those participating in highly arousing activities showed significantly greater romantic attraction to their partners than did those participating in less arousing activities. There were no significant effects for novelty/challenge, contrary to expectations based on theory and previous parallel research showing such effects on love and satisfaction for couples in long-term relationships. Additionally, this is the first study to show an arousal-attraction effect using real randomly paired partners (as opposed to confederates or photographs), in which their actual interaction was the source of arousal.”
So that you don’t get stuck offering the wrong sort of adventure:
- Highly arousing / exciting activities enhanced attraction
- Novel or challenging activities had no effect on attraction
Get that? So all those really novel, interesting, unique dates guys take girls on, trying to be original... no impact.
Couple that with the poor logistics and lack of connection typically going on during these, and you can sort of get some of the reasoning behind simplifying your dates.
Now... what can you do with a woman that is highly arousing and will cause her to become far more excited by you, through associating those physiological reactions of a faster pulse, heavier breathing, sweating, and the like to you?
Here are some examples:
Unexpectedly rapid seductions: this one’s at the top of the list because really, you ought to be doing this one with every girl regardless of the situation. She’d be comfortable going to bed with you after 4 hours of solid face time? See if you can get it to 2 hours. Or 1 hour. Or less. The faster you can make it move (smoothly), the less control she’ll feel she has over the situation and the more arousing the entire experience becomes. If you’re not used to going fast, it can be a little jarring at first, but it’s highly memorable for women, done right, and very exciting. When a girl says, “It just happened,” and smiles nostalgically, she isn’t thinking of the guy who took five dates to get her in bed.
Blood-pumping physical activity: if you need to break the café / dive bar scene (say, on a second date; or, if you just want to do something different yourself), something with physical activity that is either:
Highly active, or
- Highly unexpected
Offering the imagery of a more fulfilling life: very few women you’ll meet (or men, for that matter) live truly adventure-filled, romantic, fulfilling lives. Most are just stuck in the grind. That’s why it’s so easy for them to become addicted to things like romance novels or smart phones or social media. But if you can help her to imagine a life beyond these things – one in which she feels truly alive – you can peak her arousal quite highly.
Colt’s post on inspiring women is a good primer on doing this; by being the artist or the foreigner or the wealthy man, or even just the man with big dreams he’s working on bringing to fruition, and then encouraging her to chase down her dreams as well, and helping her to open up about what those dreams are, you can free her from her grind, at least for a while and while she’s with you.
Impromptu, rule-breaking detours: here’s one that’s fun, but you may have to train up your spontaneity a bit first: get into the habit of taking impromptu detours when out and about with girls. Sneak into an abandoned building that you notice as you pass it by; go into the back area of some shop or store or mall you’re not supposed to be in; take the stairs to the roof of a building you know you’re not allowed to visit. Climb the fence to skinny dip in a pool late at night after closing time (try to make sure there are no cops / security guards around before taking your clothes off first, though).
If you lead strongly, she will follow; and if she knows it’s off limits, it’s very exciting for her. Just don’t do anything so risky that it’s going to get you into serious trouble; but, usually, for sneaking into off-limits areas, the worst that’s going to happen is someone will yell at you and tell you to leave. And if that happens? Thank him profusely! Because he just increased your girl’s arousal even more. In fact, I’m still not sure if it’s better to go undetected or get found out and chased off. Both are quite good for arousal.
... does the trick quite nicely. When I’m near a beach, one of my
preferred dates is walking along the ocean with a girl, and picking her
up and throwing her into the drink after a bit of flirting back and
forth. The temperature of the interaction after a moment like this can
shoot so high it’ll
burst the top off a thermometer. Anything that’s playful and physical
is good; laser tag, paintball, play wrestling, massages... one guy I
know used the game Dance Dance Revolution on every pull, and came to
rely on it so much he’d take the game around with him when he traveled
to make sure he had it handy for girls.
Doing scary things: horror movies, Halloween haunted houses, visiting real (or, supposedly real, if you’re not so superstitious) haunted locations, walking across shaky bridges or going to other tourist locations where there’s a steep drop... anything where it’s scary AND you can get privacy with her fairly easy (i.e., not a roller coaster ride in the middle of a family-friendly theme park at 2 in the afternoon) can be a real pulse-raiser. Just make sure whatever it is you’re doing, it’s safe.
Motorcycles: I’ve had friends who ride repeatedly endorse these as the “magic pill to getting pussy.” And in truth, I don’t think I’ve met a girl yet who doesn’t get very excited at the chance to climb behind a guy and go for a spin on his hog. The mix of danger and adrenaline is like an instant infatuation potion for 98% of women out there (be sure to bring a spare helmet when you visit the bars to find someone to ride back with you; there are some nasty pictures out there of girls taking it to the skull when the guy they were riding with wiped out).
Comedy shows: if you have good, nearby logistics, comedy shows can be excellent... especially if you know the performer is very good. I find that a single performer with a multi-hour show beats an improv troupe or a series of performers doing skits or stand-up routines, probably because it’s higher consistency of great humor if it’s just one very talented comedian than it is with a grab bag of people.
It’s also much better if you have row seating and can sit near the back with her in relative privacy and darkness; shows where you’re at a dinner table and it isn’t easy to blend into the crowd and get increasingly physical as the time and laughter wears on aren’t nearly as good. Small shows are better than large shows too, because large shows can be logistically difficult to get away from (big crowds streaming out the exits; clogged traffic on the roads; etc.). Don’t see Bill Cosby or Robin Williams, in other words (for a date, anyway).
There are other things that do it too, like winning fights (few things turn a girl on like seeing you beat some guy up... especially if he deserved it), but those aren’t so easy to plan for or control.
- Unexpected / out of control emotions, and/or
- High levels of physical activity, plus
- The ability to connect with her one-on-one during or not long
If you can mix those ingredients together, you’ve got some dynamite going on.
Real Life Romance Novels
If you think back to those romance novels we looked at earlier in the story, what do you notice?
One’s on an exotic island of “sin” with “decadent pleasures” and “dark passions”
Another’s in a paint store – the lights are dimmed, and it’s safe to assume this probably happens after-hours... sneaking into a closed store she’s not supposed to be in, “primed for passion” (nice play on words there, by the way – “primed”, “primer”: the first coat of paint... get it?)
And the last one is beast-men of mythical power who “want love” – here it’s the female fantasy of “giving in” to a man who is far more powerful and desirable than she is, yet who wants “love” from her (and she knows that the “love” such a man wants is in fact driven by animalistic lust)
(also, right – shirtless men with six-pack abs all over the cover... but don’t think you necessarily need those, any more than a woman needs gigantic breasts and an extreme hourglass figure to have a shot with you, like what you see in most men’s video games, comic books, and pornography:)
Of course, these are all fantasies you can tap into one way or another:
The sinful island with dark passions... easiest if you meet her on vacation, of course – yours, hers, or even both of yours. But even if not, you can still talk to her about her desired travels, and where she’d like to go, and get her imagining it and describing it to you, and the effect is still a good one
The store after-hours where she’s not supposed to be, and now she’s going to get her serving of passion... if you want to emulate this one, just sneak her somewhere she’s not supposed to be
As for the werewolves one... well, you’re not going to become a hairy manbeast if you’re not one already, but you can still get some of that über edgy appeal by getting the right mix going on of sexy, mysterious artist, or edgy, rebellious bad boy (possibly with motorcycle), as these are essentially what the werewolf image taps (as opposed to, say, the elegant seducer or the Byronic hero that is the vampire)
The point is, YOU can be a real, live, walking, talking, breathing romance novel mystery man, if you focus on bringing romance and adventure into the lives of the women you meet.
Get her pulse pounding. Make her have to catch her breath. Make her wonder what’s coming next. Make her feel like she’s doing something dangerous, but not SO dangerous that it isn’t fun. Keep her on her heels, uncertain, and forced to leave her fate in your hands.
Make her feel alive.
This is what she wakes up every morning hoping to feel, and goes to bed disappointed that she didn’t. There are a great many women who only ever experience this in between the pages of their romance novels... which is why the demand for these books is so great.
View it as your way of giving back to the world; your efforts to create excitement and intrigue in the gray lives of the wonderful women around you, once pretty girl at a time.