Secrets to Getting Girls: The Art of the Deep Dive
Saturday, 18 September 2010
Building rapport – and building a connection – is one of those things I consider myself pretty talented as a conversation-alist at these days. People remark that they often feel like we’re old friends upon first meeting me; men very often assume that women I’ve met minutes before have known me for years; and I find it incredibly easy to have people open up to me about all manner of personal details – so easy that they typically offer those details unasked.
Kind of funny, in retrospect, considering I spent most of my life as a man apart, without any close connections of any sort.
So someone you’ve just met thinks of you as an old friend, or the girl you’ve been getting to know for twenty minutes has told you her life story and now feels that you know her better than all but two other people in her life. Sounds fun, and empowering, right? But what’s the advantage of this? Well, as you can probably surmise, the advantages to deep diving with rapport come in spades, actually. Here are a few:
- You get to know people faster. So you get an idea of whom you’re dealing with. Is she a consistent, reliable person, or has she used people in her past? Does she carry a lot of baggage, regrets, and grievances around with her, or is she free and clear-headed? Is she clingy or independent? Ambitious or unambitious? How open is she to adventure and new experiences? You have an easier time judging which women are looking for friends, which are looking for boyfriends, and which are looking for intimacy that night. You’re good at discerning relatively quickly if a woman meets your requirements for a girl you’d date long-term – or not.
- You make friends and alliances faster. In the social arena, this is absolutelyvital to your success. The difference between the men who sink and the men who swim – the men who get blocked by others from getting the results they want, and the men whom other people help get the results they want – is how good they are at building friends and alliances. You’re far more likely to take that cute girl you’ve just met home if her friends think you are an amazing, awesome guy than if they think the opposite.
- You’re “sticky”. You become one of those people that others meet and just want to hang onto and keep in their lives. You provide something invaluable that almost no one else does – a ready ear, and an open mind. Because they grow to feel so connected to you so quickly, they want to make sure they stick to you and hang onto you as much as possible. This makes everything from same-night seductions to lifelong relationships much easier to find, manage, and accomplish.
Those sound like some cool advantages that would be nice to have, right? They are – they make life easy. A lot of the problems that men without the benefits of being talented at the deep dive run into are non-existent for men who have mastered conversational deep diving. Phone numbers that flake? Almost non-existent. You’re burned indelibly into the mind of every woman you spent at least five minutes with, and they can’t wait to talk to you again. Women who take a long time to warm up to you? I’ll be damned if I can remember the last time I ran into this situation. Women become magnetically attracted to you the instant you start getting to know them. One strange thing I’ve noticed is that once a man’sgood at deep diving, he seems to put out this extremely warm, extremely welcoming vibe that others are naturally drawn to and will begin opening up to without any prompting by him. I’ll try to break down my current understanding of this below.
I wrote this to be a sort of wrap-up article. There is a lot of information I’ve covered spread out over the past two years of writing on here that is kind of strewn about everywhere. This article looks to coalesce a lot of that into something vaguely recognizable / comprehensible. Hopefully it will give you a better idea about how to achieve some really cool things in your conversations with women.
There are some technical elements to the conversational deep dive, and some personality traits that are important to train yourself on. You need both sides of the coin – the technical, and the personal – to become highly effective at deep diving into rapport.
Let’s talk about the technical elements first. These are the ones you can begin implementing immediately to start seeing some results. Many of these I’ve talked about before in individual posts – I’ll link to them where relevant below – this post would be absolutely massive if I went into each of these elements in-depth on an individual basis!
Technical Aspects of Deep Diving
- Getting Past Small Talk: small talk is important to move past quickly, for one overarching reason (when it comes to deep diving): you don’t cover anything personal, connection-building, or deep while in small talk. Small talk is like treading water, socially. It keeps you afloat, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.
- Thread-Cutting and Thread-Amplifying: don’t believe I’ve covered these on here before. Again, long explanations for these; quick and dirty summary is thread-cutting is a technique for shutting down bad, unproductive, or destructive lines of conversation (like a girl talking about how she thinks men use women for sex, or how much her jobs sucks, etc.), while thread-amplifying is a conversational technique for building up and encouragingproductive lines of conversation (like a girl talking about things she likes about you, or her favorite childhood memories, etc.). Try to imagine thread-amplifying as the opposite scenario – rather than cutting off and changing the topic, you’ll find ways to get a woman talking more about what she’s mentioned, provide more details, and expand. A good example of some ways to do this is the “Ask the Right Questions” section in the article on getting past small talk linked to in the bullet above this one.
- Thread-Directing: haven’t covered this one either; it’s a bit of a complex topic, with a lot of layers, and is quite honestly an art in and of itself.Thread-directing is the way you guide a conversation in the direction you want it to go and get women to independently discover the topics you want them to discover, ask you the questions you want them to ask, and tell you the details about themselves you want them to tell you. I’ll write up a piece on this at some point and link to it here; for now, if this is something you decide to focus on working on, I’d suggest checking out some of the written reports of a guy named A2daMIR; check out the link on the left of this page (under “Friends”) for Fast Seduction, and run a quick search for some of his stuff. Not all of his reports have it, but some of them contain a number of masterful thread-direction as he guides women in exactly the way he wants them to go. Chase framing is an example of thread-direction, and in fact my current model of chase framing was in part inspired by A2daMIR as well (as well as by a good friend of mine from Southern California who used a great deal of sexual humor with women).
- Being Intriguing / Limiting Displayed Value: you’ll find that the men women open themselves up best to are the ones who serve as a kind of mirror to those women. The more a woman feels you are like her, the more comfortable opening up to you she feels, because she sees the two of you as being the same. Of course, you’re not the same as any other person on the planet, and the more people get to know you, the more of those differences become apparent to them. The ideal situation for helping a woman open up to you is to reveal little about yourself, only revealing aspects of yourself and your past that match what she reveals to you, to further her bonding with you.
This is an art I’ve mastered as I’ve moved throughout a number of very different kinds of people – from upper-middle class white American suburbanites, to black Americans from the ghetto who stole cars, sold drugs, and got shot, to globe-trotting internationals, to Southern California surfers and actors and models, to rough-and-tumble Mexicans spending time on the other side of the border, to wealthy self-made business professionals, to (most recently) holier-than-thou expatriates and nose-to-the-grindstone local Chinese. To move freely and accepted with different kinds of people, you must be highly adaptable and able to showcase certain aspects of yourself while putting other aspects on ice. Meeting new people and deep diving with women works exactly the same – showcase the parts of yourself she will relate to, and sit on the rest.
- Getting Your Girl Talking About Herself on an Emotional Level: this is covered a little bit in the piece on conversational technique tips and tidbits. Your main focus in conversation should always be on the woman, and the main focus of a focus on the woman should be on her strong emotional topics – childhood, dreams, past relationships, goals and aspirations, things that are currently exciting her or frustrating her in life right now. The reason why this is is because sharing strong emotional topics is what makes someone feel deeply bonded and connected to another person. If your aim is to get a woman feeling connected to you at a rapid clip, this is ultimately how you do it.
Those are the main technical elements. Working on each takes time, but even a low level of mastery of any one of those aspects of deep diving gives you a huge advantage in generating strong, connection-forming conversation with others. For both your goals in seduction, and your general life goals, I highly recommend some time getting these things down.
The other aspect of getting good at deep diving is personality-based. That means, you have and showcase the personality characteristics of a man who others will be inclined to share themselves with and bond deeply with. Men like that are few and far between – most men are too caught up in their own lives and stories and goings-on to pay much attention to those of others, let alone to how well they do at making others want to share and deeply connect. The following are some things that, should you decide to begin implementing them into your own base personality, because of their very nature will take you a longer time to learn and incorporate – but once they become a part of who you are, you will reap benefits in just about every walk of life where socializing comes in to play – which is to say, just about every walk of life.
Personality Aspects of Deep Diving
- Being Warm and Non-Judgmental: you’ll often hear the advice that you should be non-judgmental. This advice is some of the best life advice you can get for opening yourself up to great new adventures and opportunities (provided, of course, you continue to be discriminating – or, careful in how you asses and screen – even as you remain non-judgmental). Being non-judgmental is the cornerstone to getting women to open up to you – people can sense how judgmental another person is, and the more open they sense you are, the more likely they are to be open and honest with you. People only hide the things from others that they think those others will judge them on.
I’d have you go one further than this though, and not just be non-judgmental, but actually be warm. I think of the spectrum like this: judgmental people are on the negative end of the spectrum – they shut people down and make them feel lesser and unworthy. Non-judgmental people are in the neutral zone – they don’t tear people down, but neither do they build others up. Warm people are on the positive end of the spectrum – they accept others for who they are, free of judgment, and encourage them to pursue the positive, constructive aspects of themselves and avenues in their lives.
When I was younger, I was actually quite judgmental. Eventually I labored to free myself of that yoke, as I realized that the person I hurt most by being judgmental was myself – I realized that every spiteful, judgmental thought I had that crossed my mind actually made me feel a little worse inside, and that I was slowly poisoning myself with mental toxins. So I focused on shutting out judgmental thoughts. As I did so, I became more neutral toward others, and moved to the middle. Eventually though, I wanted others to feel trulycomfortable toward me, so I worked to view things through their eyes, their motivations, their fears and insecurities, to try to understand others – even the ones who would hurt me. Why did they feel the need to try and hurt me?
Once I developed warmth, women began opening up to me in ways I had not realized were possible. They could sense that I legitimately wanted them to do well and succeed and be happy, and wanted to share with me as much about themselves as they possibly could. Work to free yourself of judgment first; and once you have done that, work to open your heart to others with understanding and care. This probably sounds like very New Age-y, hippy-ish, Jesus-y kind of stuff, but take my word for it – from the perspective of making women melt around you and think of you as the most amazing man they’ve ever met – and feel very comfortable jumping into bed with you very quickly without the fear of being judged “easy” or a “slut” – genuinely being warm and caring toward others (and particularly toward women – somethingmany men are not) is unmatchable.
- Being Positive and Constructive: the best way you can possibly put thread-cutting to use is in cutting negative, boring, hurtful, and pitiable conversational threads, and switching over to positive, optimistic, constructive ones. Always remember that women tie the emotions they feel around youto you. If a woman always vents about how awful her job is to a man, and talks about other crappy life circumstances, she’ll come to view him as the guy she talks about bad stuff to. But if she tries that with a different man, and every time she starts on those topics he thread-cuts and takes her into something positive, she’ll come to view him as the man who always makes her feel good.
You can show women you are this way very quickly into an interaction if you are vigilant about it. When a woman begins venting, give her a minute – she does need to feel you hear her and get her and understand her – but after you quickly relate to her, move the conversation on. The personality aspect of this is that people who are quite genuinely positive, optimistic, constructive people have a far easier time keeping conversations on the right course than people who aren’t – so if you struggle at all with staying positive, working on this aspect of yourself can have a big payoff in your socializing and seductions.
- Being an Active Listener: when women relate, they need to feel related to back. A lot of men don’t do this – they don’t know how, or don’t want to spend the time to listen. It doesn’t actually take much time at all, really, and it’s not all that difficult to listen. And – provided the women you’re meeting are interesting – you’ll get a lot out of it, learn, and grow.
One of the reasons why it’s vitally important to me to be meeting fascinating women with interesting things about them or happening in their lives isbecause I am a listener. I see a great many men who are talkers, not listeners, and their ability to build connections with amazing people is limited to how amazing their conversation is. As a listener, you grant yourself the ability to merge with anyone from any walk of life, even those you know nothing about, because rather than seeking to wash your own ideas over others, you allow others’ to wash over you. Personally, I can talk with the best of them. I have a number of strongly held opinions and beliefs, and lots of things I can talk about for hours on end (just look at this post!). But I meet a lot of people who aren’t going to be interested in those things – so I don’t talk about them. Instead, I let them tell me about what they are interested in, and I learn and grow and evolve. And at the same time, they feel rewarded for having someone who cares and is interested in what they have to say.
If you think of some of the men who seem to be the most POWERFUL men in the movies, or in politics, or history, do you think of men who talk and talk and talk? Or do you think of men who sit there quietly, taking everything in, and only speaking a little? The strongest men are not the men who talk – they are the men who listen.
Once you’ve got the basics of conversation down, implementing the tools and techniques and personality elements covered in this post will take your connection-building to the next stage of its evolution. You will be building powerful, rapid, lasting connections with others, and being one of the most memorable people they’ll meet in any given span of time. You’ll give yourself the foundation on which to move through a seduction with speed – even when you make mistakes here and there, you still have a strong connection with your girl to fall back on – and build lasting relationships upon.
You’ll have mastered the art of the deep dive – and you will be someone other people gravitate towards as they do few others.
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