Secrets to Getting Girls: The Art of the Deep Dive

Building rapport – and building a connection – is one of those things I consider myself pretty talented as a conversation-alist at these days. People remark that they often feel like we’re old friends upon first meeting me; men very often assume that women I’ve met minutes before have known me for years; and I find it incredibly easy to have people open up to me about all manner of personal details – so easy that they typically offer those details unasked.

Kind of funny, in retrospect, considering I spent most of my life as a man apart, without any close connections of any sort.

So someone you’ve just met thinks of you as an old friend, or the girl you’ve been getting to know for twenty minutes has told you her life story and now feels that you know her better than all but two other people in her life. Sounds fun, and empowering, right? But what’s the advantage of this? Well, as you can probably surmise, the advantages to deep diving with rapport come in spades, actually. Here are a few:

  • You get to know people faster. So you get an idea of whom you’re dealing with. Is she a consistent, reliable person, or has she used people in her past? Does she carry a lot of baggage, regrets, and grievances around with her, or is she free and clear-headed? Is she clingy or independent? Ambitious or unambitious? How open is she to adventure and new experiences? You have an easier time judging which women are looking for friends, which are looking for boyfriends, and which are looking for intimacy that night. You’re good at discerning relatively quickly if a woman meets your requirements for a girl you’d date long-term – or not.
  • You make friends and alliances faster. In the social arena, this is absolutelyvital to your success. The difference between the men who sink and the men who swim – the men who get blocked by others from getting the results they want, and the men whom other people help get the results they want – is how good they are at building friends and alliances. You’re far more likely to take that cute girl you’ve just met home if her friends think you are an amazing, awesome guy than if they think the opposite.
  • You’re “sticky”. You become one of those people that others meet and just want to hang onto and keep in their lives. You provide something invaluable that almost no one else does – a ready ear, and an open mind. Because they grow to feel so connected to you so quickly, they want to make sure they stick to you and hang onto you as much as possible. This makes everything from same-night seductions to lifelong relationships much easier to find, manage, and accomplish.

Those sound like some cool advantages that would be nice to have, right? They are – they make life easyA lot of the problems that men without the benefits of being talented at the deep dive run into are non-existent for men who have mastered conversational deep diving. Phone numbers that flake? Almost non-existent. You’re burned indelibly into the mind of every woman you spent at least five minutes with, and they can’t wait to talk to you again. Women who take a long time to warm up to you? I’ll be damned if I can remember the last time I ran into this situation. Women become magnetically attracted to you the instant you start getting to know them. One strange thing I’ve noticed is that once a man’sgood at deep diving, he seems to put out this extremely warm, extremely welcoming vibe that others are naturally drawn to and will begin opening up to without any prompting by him. I’ll try to break down my current understanding of this below.

I wrote this to be a sort of wrap-up article. There is a lot of information I’ve covered spread out over the past two years of writing on here that is kind of strewn about everywhere. This article looks to coalesce a lot of that into something vaguely recognizable / comprehensible. Hopefully it will give you a better idea about how to achieve some really cool things in your conversations with women.

There are some technical elements to the conversational deep dive, and some personality traits that are important to train yourself on. You need both sides of the coin – the technical, and the personal – to become highly effective at deep diving into rapport.

Let’s talk about the technical elements first. These are the ones you can begin implementing immediately to start seeing some results. Many of these I’ve talked about before in individual posts – I’ll link to them where relevant below – this post would be absolutely massive if I went into each of these elements in-depth on an individual basis!

Technical Aspects of Deep Diving

  • Getting Past Small Talk: small talk is important to move past quickly, for one overarching reason (when it comes to deep diving): you don’t cover anything personal, connection-building, or deep while in small talk. Small talk is like treading water, socially. It keeps you afloat, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.
  • Thread-Cutting and Thread-Amplifying: don’t believe I’ve covered these on here before. Again, long explanations for these; quick and dirty summary is thread-cutting is a technique for shutting down bad, unproductive, or destructive lines of conversation (like a girl talking about how she thinks men use women for sex, or how much her jobs sucks, etc.), while thread-amplifying is a conversational technique for building up and encouragingproductive lines of conversation (like a girl talking about things she likes about you, or her favorite childhood memories, etc.). Try to imagine thread-amplifying as the opposite scenario – rather than cutting off and changing the topic, you’ll find ways to get a woman talking more about what she’s mentioned, provide more details, and expand. A good example of some ways to do this is the “Ask the Right Questions” section in the article on getting past small talk linked to in the bullet above this one.
  • Thread-Directing: haven’t covered this one either; it’s a bit of a complex topic, with a lot of layers, and is quite honestly an art in and of itself.Thread-directing is the way you guide a conversation in the direction you want it to go and get women to independently discover the topics you want them to discover, ask you the questions you want them to ask, and tell you the details about themselves you want them to tell you. I’ll write up a piece on this at some point and link to it here; for now, if this is something you decide to focus on working on, I’d suggest checking out some of the written reports of a guy named A2daMIR; check out the link on the left of this page (under “Friends”) for Fast Seduction, and run a quick search for some of his stuff. Not all of his reports have it, but some of them contain a number of masterful thread-direction as he guides women in exactly the way he wants them to go. Chase framing is an example of thread-direction, and in fact my current model of chase framing was in part inspired by A2daMIR as well (as well as by a good friend of mine from Southern California who used a great deal of sexual humor with women).
  • Being Intriguing / Limiting Displayed Value: you’ll find that the men women open themselves up best to are the ones who serve as a kind of mirror to those women. The more a woman feels you are like her, the more comfortable opening up to you she feels, because she sees the two of you as being the same. Of course, you’re not the same as any other person on the planet, and the more people get to know you, the more of those differences become apparent to them. The ideal situation for helping a woman open up to you is to reveal little about yourself, only revealing aspects of yourself and your past that match what she reveals to you, to further her bonding with you.

    This is an art I’ve mastered as I’ve moved throughout a number of very different kinds of people – from upper-middle class white American suburbanites, to black Americans from the ghetto who stole cars, sold drugs, and got shot, to globe-trotting internationals, to Southern California surfers and actors and models, to rough-and-tumble Mexicans spending time on the other side of the border, to wealthy self-made business professionals, to (most recently) holier-than-thou expatriates and nose-to-the-grindstone local Chinese. To move freely and accepted with different kinds of people, you must be highly adaptable and able to showcase certain aspects of yourself while putting other aspects on ice. Meeting new people and deep diving with women works exactly the same – showcase the parts of yourself she will relate to, and sit on the rest.
  • Getting Your Girl Talking About Herself on an Emotional Level: this is covered a little bit in the piece on conversational technique tips and tidbits. Your main focus in conversation should always be on the woman, and the main focus of a focus on the woman should be on her strong emotional topics – childhood, dreams, past relationships, goals and aspirations, things that are currently exciting her or frustrating her in life right now. The reason why this is is because sharing strong emotional topics is what makes someone feel deeply bonded and connected to another person. If your aim is to get a woman feeling connected to you at a rapid clip, this is ultimately how you do it.

Those are the main technical elements. Working on each takes time, but even a low level of mastery of any one of those aspects of deep diving gives you a huge advantage in generating strong, connection-forming conversation with others. For both your goals in seduction, and your general life goals, I highly recommend some time getting these things down.

The other aspect of getting good at deep diving is personality-based. That means, you have and showcase the personality characteristics of a man who others will be inclined to share themselves with and bond deeply with. Men like that are few and far between – most men are too caught up in their own lives and stories and goings-on to pay much attention to those of others, let alone to how well they do at making others want to share and deeply connect. The following are some things that, should you decide to begin implementing them into your own base personality, because of their very nature will take you a longer time to learn and incorporate – but once they become a part of who you are, you will reap benefits in just about every walk of life where socializing comes in to play – which is to say, just about every walk of life.

Personality Aspects of Deep Diving

  • Being Warm and Non-Judgmental: you’ll often hear the advice that you should be non-judgmental. This advice is some of the best life advice you can get for opening yourself up to great new adventures and opportunities (provided, of course, you continue to be discriminating – or, careful in how you asses and screen – even as you remain non-judgmental). Being non-judgmental is the cornerstone to getting women to open up to you – people can sense how judgmental another person is, and the more open they sense you are, the more likely they are to be open and honest with you. People only hide the things from others that they think those others will judge them on.

    I’d have you go one further than this though, and not just be non-judgmental, but actually be warm. I think of the spectrum like this: judgmental people are on the negative end of the spectrum – they shut people down and make them feel lesser and unworthy. Non-judgmental people are in the neutral zone – they don’t tear people down, but neither do they build others up. Warm people are on the positive end of the spectrum – they accept others for who they are, free of judgment, and encourage them to pursue the positive, constructive aspects of themselves and avenues in their lives.

    When I was younger, I was actually quite judgmental. Eventually I labored to free myself of that yoke, as I realized that the person I hurt most by being judgmental was myself – I realized that every spiteful, judgmental thought I had that crossed my mind actually made me feel a little worse inside, and that I was slowly poisoning myself with mental toxins. So I focused on shutting out judgmental thoughts. As I did so, I became more neutral toward others, and moved to the middle. Eventually though, I wanted others to feel trulycomfortable toward me, so I worked to view things through their eyes, their motivations, their fears and insecurities, to try to understand others – even the ones who would hurt me. Why did they feel the need to try and hurt me?

    Once I developed warmth, women began opening up to me in ways I had not realized were possible. They could sense that I legitimately wanted them to do well and succeed and be happy, and wanted to share with me as much about themselves as they possibly could. Work to free yourself of judgment first; and once you have done that, work to open your heart to others with understanding and care. This probably sounds like very New Age-y, hippy-ish, Jesus-y kind of stuff, but take my word for it – from the perspective of making women melt around you and think of you as the most amazing man they’ve ever met – and feel very comfortable jumping into bed with you very quickly without the fear of being judged “easy” or a “slut” – genuinely being warm and caring toward others (and particularly toward women – somethingmany men are not) is unmatchable.
  • Being Positive and Constructive: the best way you can possibly put thread-cutting to use is in cutting negative, boring, hurtful, and pitiable conversational threads, and switching over to positive, optimistic, constructive ones. Always remember that women tie the emotions they feel around youto you. If a woman always vents about how awful her job is to a man, and talks about other crappy life circumstances, she’ll come to view him as the guy she talks about bad stuff to. But if she tries that with a different man, and every time she starts on those topics he thread-cuts and takes her into something positive, she’ll come to view him as the man who always makes her feel good.

    You can show women you are this way very quickly into an interaction if you are vigilant about it. When a woman begins venting, give her a minute – she does need to feel you hear her and get her and understand her – but after you quickly relate to her, move the conversation on. The personality aspect of this is that people who are quite genuinely positive, optimistic, constructive people have a far easier time keeping conversations on the right course than people who aren’t – so if you struggle at all with staying positive, working on this aspect of yourself can have a big payoff in your socializing and seductions.
  • Being an Active Listener: when women relate, they need to feel related to back. A lot of men don’t do this – they don’t know how, or don’t want to spend the time to listen. It doesn’t actually take much time at all, really, and it’s not all that difficult to listen. And – provided the women you’re meeting are interesting – you’ll get a lot out of it, learn, and grow.

    One of the reasons why it’s vitally important to me to be meeting fascinating women with interesting things about them or happening in their lives isbecause I am a listener. I see a great many men who are talkers, not listeners, and their ability to build connections with amazing people is limited to how amazing their conversation is. As a listener, you grant yourself the ability to merge with anyone from any walk of life, even those you know nothing about, because rather than seeking to wash your own ideas over others, you allow others’ to wash over you. Personally, I can talk with the best of them. I have a number of strongly held opinions and beliefs, and lots of things I can talk about for hours on end (just look at this post!). But I meet a lot of people who aren’t going to be interested in those things – so I don’t talk about them. Instead, I let them tell me about what they are interested in, and I learn and grow and evolve. And at the same time, they feel rewarded for having someone who cares and is interested in what they have to say.

    If you think of some of the men who seem to be the most POWERFUL men in the movies, or in politics, or history, do you think of men who talk and talk and talk? Or do you think of men who sit there quietly, taking everything in, and only speaking a little? The strongest men are not the men who talk – they are the men who listen.

Once you’ve got the basics of conversation down, implementing the tools and techniques and personality elements covered in this post will take your connection-building to the next stage of its evolution. You will be building powerful, rapid, lasting connections with others, and being one of the most memorable people they’ll meet in any given span of time. You’ll give yourself the foundation on which to move through a seduction with speed – even when you make mistakes here and there, you still have a strong connection with your girl to fall back on – and build lasting relationships upon.

You’ll have mastered the art of the deep dive – and you will be someone other people gravitate towards as they do few others.

Chase Amante

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.


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SocialKenny's picture

Great post bro'.Just stumbled across the site today and Im now hooked(lol).My current petpeeve is rapport so this article came in handy.

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Kenny, thanks (and thanks for the nice things you said on a few other articles, too). Hope you enjoyed everything you read on the site -- and hope rapport starts getting a lot easier for you!


Anonymous's picture

Okay so I've been reading some of your articles and I find them quite informative! Being able to connect with people around me has been something I've always wanted to get better at. Especially with the females. There are times where I get so caught up in saying the right things or reacting in the right way that I basically negate the natural flow of a conversation and get some awkward pauses.

What I really wanted to talk to you about is a situation in which I feel I've failed miserably which happens sometimes. So there's this girl that I like. When I was a freshman in college last year, I didn't quite capitalize on that friendly period that girls have at the beginning of the year and in regards to this particular girl, I didn't pay close enough attention to the things she was telling me at the beginning and it led to her becoming less and less interested. I like to be sarcastic and so does she but because of my like for her, I ended up restricting myself and not really expressing that side of myself. So by doing so, our conversations to be more scripted I guess and just not as interesting. I also made my interest in her too obvious and since then she's been nice to me but it's almost as if she has to be.

So this year I've just kind of held back and haven't really talked to her yet. When I do, I hope the stuff I've learned from your articles might possibly give me a second chance. It's college after all and I can just show that I've changed over a certain period of time. You know what I mean? Didn't mean for this to be so long but thanks for listening anyway. Hope you have time to respond.

Take care man

Chase Amante's picture

Hey Anon,

Sure, there's a second chance. It is indeed college, and people do change.

Your best bet is to let her see that change -- let her see you with other girls, let her hear about you dating another girl, show her that you're now a guy that other women want and pursue and that you get results. I've found this to be the single most effective technique for pulling off turnarounds in social circle.

Failing that, just grab her one day and move fast. "Hey Hailey, how was your summer? blah blah blah yeah I did this that, etc. Well, cool, cool. Anyway, it's great seeing you; let's grab a drink or a pizza or something this week. What's your schedule like?"

Just do it in one shot and get it over with. If she likes you she'll bite. If you drag it out forever it'll go on forever and it won't get any better, I promise ;) Speak now or forever hold your peace... this way you can either A) get a date with her, or B) know it's not happening, and move on.

Best of luck bro,

Anonymous's picture

Alright, I'll try it when I see her next time if that's what you're implying I do. Thanks for the advice. I'll let you know how it goes. By the way, my name is eddie and next time I comment I'll be sure to put it up.

Anonymous's picture

Hey Chase, hope things have been going well. I have two main questions that I hope you can answer. Here they are:

1. How should I handle getting girls in college? I'm not sure if you're familiar
with this university I go to in St. Louis. It's a very friendly environment and the girls are nice and everything. They do lack a bit in terms of good looks but one can always make it work. The reason I'm asking is because in our university, your actions build up your reputation. Things you do on a regular basis dictate how people perceive you.

If I'm known as the guy that can bed girls quickly, I feel that could either work for me or against me? Maybe my approach should be slightly different? I'm not entirely sure but my main goal is to master the art of deep diving as well as expressing myself as a romantic, attractive and sexual man. I know that will be a work in progress but as I'm going through this process I just wanted to get on your input on what you think I should do.

2. My second question has to deal with how one copes with talking with a group of girls. I guess it depends if there's one girl you have in mind that you'd like to talk to. In that way, I guess you just have to get experience in smoothly talking to the girl of interest. Yet if I'm just conversing with a group of girls, how exactly do I handle this? Should I apply the Law of Least Effort or should I be more engaging in the conversation? How exactly do I position myself in these sorts of situations as well? What's a good indicator for how long I should remain in such a situation? Hope my questions are clear. Just trying to better myself in this aspect. You've done great work and hope you keep it up! Also noticed that your video series was supposed to come out in August. What happened there?

Anonymous's picture

Great site
I like your writing style
Keep it up !

Adrian's picture

So really you're suggesting that the secret behind achieving rapport is to ask questions rather than talking. I always thought asking questions demonstrated low value, just like if you're the first one to show interest. But I guess it doesn't matter in social dynamics - you want to show interest to help her build connection with you. So much for being 'alpha'.
P.S. Wouldn't the excessive question-asking lead to an almost interview like conversation though?

Anonymous's picture

That's where you have to strike a balance. I think when you've gotten a decent idea of what the girl is about, you can then transition from questions that seem interview-like to more leading questions and make some statements here and there to keep the conversation flowing.

One thing that seems to impress women is when you feedback what they've said to you back to them but in a different way. I guess it shows them that you're listening and it can lead to some pretty interesting discussions.

I'm no expert like chase but what he says is pretty valid. The challenge is not necessarily implementing what he says. It's more so applying it to the culture that you are in.

Brainbuster's picture

I had to respond to this.

There are several things that make what Chase described vastly different
from DLV, and different from "excessive question-asking."

The difference is in the TIMING of the questions (where you are in the interaction with her),
and in the TYPE of questions.

There are very good reasons to AVOID asking questions
if you are doing cold approach and you're in the first 2 or 3 minutes of the interaction.
Yad, the daygame master, when coaching a student in Daygame Immersion,
said, "You asked 3 questions in your first minute of meeting her. You can get away with 1 question,
and you might get away with 2 questions; but once you ask 3 questions, you're a gonner."


In your first couple minutes, peppering her with questions is demanding INVESTMENT on her part.
This is what the majority of pickup is focused on (just a guess here), so the advice has been to avoid questions
and instead make statements. This does not have to do with "value," it has to do with investment. Asking her
"interview style" questions is offering her no value ("Where are you from?" "What do you do?" "Where did you get those shoes?").


Notice those last few example interview-questions above. They are closed-end questions, and also
they are boring to her, and also they are INVESTIGATORY questions.
In other words, you ask such questions for your sake, not her sake. You want to know something.
It's no fun for her answering those banal questions.

Instead, once you're at the point where you can ask questions (the hook point I guess... NOT the first few minutes of meeting her),
ask open-ended questions (but not ones that start with "Why," because those are risky and can seem confrontational).
Examples, "How did you decide to....?" "What was it like growing up there with your dad...?" "What do you expect/hope/fear will happen...?" "How did you handle it when he said that?"

You do NOT stack questions. That is a mistake. This means asking more than one question before she's answered.

Trust me, no girl has ever complained to me of "excessive questioning."
This is because, even though I have studied and searched for powerful questions for years,
studying David Letterman, and books by therapists (such as Beyond Empathy),
the questions I ask girls are refreshing.
She does not feel like she's in the Supreme Court.
The questions are insightful and cause her to DIVE DEEP into herself.
That is the essence of a therapeutic question. It's not for YOU, THE ASKER. It is for her sake.
Just being asked the question is therapeutic.

Your worry about "excessive questions" is based on the assumption that you'll be asking closed-end questions,
which she can answer briefly ("Where are you from?" "Do you come here often?" "Do you go to school here?" "What's your sign?").
Only when asking closed-end questions could you possibly be talking the majority of the time.
Believe me, when you ask someone a dynamite question, they will be talking and talking.

Don's picture

I'm having trouble getting past small talk and getting into deep diving. I'm very good when I can get deep diving, but there's a transition period between small talk and deep diving I'm having trouble with. I'm sure you know what I mean. I've tried starting things with the old "tell me about yourself" thread, but they just get shy and can't think of anything to say. Got any tips on shattering that barrier in the transition period? I want to get deep diving as soon as possible.
- Don

Cheek Mary 's picture

Be specific as opposed to tell me about yourself

Ask me to remember my favourite childhood moment


idbeentaken's picture

Check your website daily. You talk about women but not only, as everything close to truth, these principles can be applied elsewhere.

You are a sceptic but curious truth seeker. I like it and I thank you or the job you are doing.

with Practical and logical reasons you explain why is better to love, anyway, even if only or egoistic porpouses. Thats why we have an ego pushing us, btw. Non judgmental. understand reasons and different point o view.

The importance of not judging. The importance of getting rid of emotionalism ( think following the emotions) . Moralism is evil and spreads black energy. yes energy. no im not a mystic. energy is matter in movement.

keep on searching

Ordo ab chao

Lucas's picture

1)I was introduced to the PUA literature my junior year at a very small (2000 students), very Christian/conservative school. I had the same experience: word gets around. My experience suggested, however, that having your reputation precede you is helpful -- provided that your reputation is for being sexual. (Now, kissing & telling is of course bad, nobody wants to be gossiped about -- so your actions have to speak for themselves.) But I essentially made out with my girlfriend on a couple occasions in the cafeteria and it did not seem to hurt my odds later, after I left her. I was also filmed at a party kissing a girl who had been chasing me pretty hard. I don't think the tape got around, but I did get some interest from other women who heard about the event. The only thing I'm not sure about is whether a nasty break-up could pollute your dating pool by turning women against you.

2)My modus operandi was to sort of commandeer the conversation, if I could. If I couldn't direct the conversation, generally I found that girls would be cliquish and resume their gossiping (which I couldn't partake in), leaving me out. I think the thing I did right was to demonstrate some bravery in broaching their circle without any introduction.

3) Another trick I had was to make lots of introductions like that, and then only drop in again in a week or so (if I didn't have a specific girl in mind). I would spend an hour or more at lunch just hopping from table to table, where everyone else would just stick with their little circle. I think this built a lot of social proof for me, and it also kept me from becoming a fixture.

As a result of these types of moves, I made the acquaintance of two cheerleaders. I focused on one, but it made the other jealous, and she did a very good job of chasing me without looking like it (one day she 'just happened' to drive by in her convertible & took me to get ice cream!) Then I spoiled it by being super-try-hard when I caught on.

Keep in mind, I was extremely nerdy (math & physics major), and my conversations rarely got past small talk back then. (I did have good looks going for me, though.)

Anonymous's picture

Hey man. Thanks for the message. Know it's been a while since you last made the comment but I'll definitely keep your words in mind. In fact, I'm about to meet with a girl now.

Anonymous's picture


While deep diving, how do you manage not to come across as nosy? How do you get a girl talking about her passions, dreams, childhood and so on without sounding too inquisitive? That's something very important to cover, I'd like to know what you think.

Anonymous's picture

I've found most women will give you a chance. All you need to do is think of asking and get the nerve to. =/ kind of easy and simple when you think about it but hard in practice if your not used to it.

Anonymous 18 year old's picture

I just met a girl last weekend, talked to her a little over text, and made the move to ask her on a date for today. Perfect, right?

Not quite. The first hiccup came last night, when she said she "didn't want me getting the wrong idea," she's already seeing someone. Yikes! Easily played it off, used a little humor, and she still really wanted to go. I read her telling me this as more of a reminder for herself than for my sake; she only said "seeing," not dating.

But then the next came when she warned me she was running late in getting there. No big deal, right? She at least hadn't flaked. But because of the date being pushed back about thirty-five minutes, the deli we were going to meet at became overcrowded, and we had to choose another establishment when she got there.

Little did I know that the new place she suggested we try instead, was also somewhere she used to work at. So a casual lunch date, where it was just the two of us, suddenly became a reunion for her with her old co-workers. I wanted to bang my head on the table right there!

But through all of that, the real nightmare of the date, was that she was impossible to talk to. Deep diving? Forget it, I could barely muster small talk with her for the most part. She was attentive and interested anytime I'd say something about myself, but was unresponsive for the most part when I'd switch gears and try to get her to open up about the same topics.


Throughout the date she was always following the movements of our waitress, a best friend of hers, or texting. I couldn't even suggest we get out of there, go somewhere more intimate, and make up for lost time and bad start, because she had to get to her job shortly afterwards.

How is a guy supposed to adapt and react in those situations? And how can he salvage what he felt he had with the girl going in, now that the date's over? I'm good, but this was completely new for me.

Anonymous's picture

She said she was seeing someone? My advice would be to be picky enough not to Continue to put effort into a girl just looking for a free meal.girls like that shouldn't be rewarded with attention.

Anonymous's picture

Hey bro, my girlfriend has started to 'other' me. I try to talk to her about what she likes and I try to connect with her and relate to her but it just seems to be getting worse. We have been dating for 6 months. It is coming really close to a break up. I love her and I don't want that to happen. She says she feels alone and uncomfortable with me. Like she's talking to a brick wall sometimes. She says I don't care about her. What can I do to salvage my relationship with her? Is it too late? I don't want to lose her. I'll do everything I can to connect with her and to build on our relationship but I just need to know how to do it. What must I do? Please oh pretty please help me!?

Dean's picture

Hey Chase

I've been struggling not only with girls lately, but with friends in general. I have a two or three very good friends (one who is a social God who acts just like you), who I greatly respect and love spending time with.

I believe meaningful friendship to exist because of the sharing of core values. After a bit of introspection, I know myself to value creativity, mastery, understanding of the world (ex. social phenomena like friendship!), and problem solving. And that's exactly what my best friends value. It's just that... through my own judgment or I don't know what... I don't think there are many people in my school who share my values. I feel that most value different things entirely, notably entertainment and drama.

My philosophy the past few months has been "self disclosure", thinking that if I can reveal to people what I love, surely they will connect to me and I will find meaningful friendships. That didn't work.

My friend said he likes to have everyone like him because he enjoys parts of almost everyone he meets. After reading your posts I understand the value of being a conversationalist, as it is so valuable to someone like me (a philosopher who wants to share myself). I need to allow others to open up to me before I can open up to them, and I have the power to make some really good friends (or even a girlfriend!), even if they don't share my passion for music theory and composition.

Thanks for easing my mind with some understanding, there's nothing I value more in the world.

Anonymous's picture

Hey.. just wanted to point out that the link to 'thread cutting' (under 'Technical Aspects of Deep Diving) appears to be broken.

Awesome article as always.

Terris's picture

Did the friend, boyfriend, go slow route with the girl of my dreams instead of being her lover/fling and lost her. She did as you wrote. She conquered me, friended me, and kicked me to the curb. Now, I have no way of contacting her or seeing her without making a fool of myself or staulking her. This is why I'm on this website making sure I never make this mistake again because it feels awful-the worst feeling in the world. Like others have said, "You are spot on..." She has a boyfriend she is heavily invested with for 3 1/2 to four years. Instead of becoming her lover/fling I made the ignorant mistake of trying to replace her boyfriend, and she shut me out from the beginning. I couldn't figure out why until I went through your blogs. Hope you realize what a great service you are providing.

Eric Reeves's picture

No, you did not lose her Terris.

You did not lose your dream girl, simply because this girl is not her, and the more you tell yourself falsehoods like that the harder it is to let go.

I'm happy for you though, and just by being on this site reading these articles means you've put effort into changing your life -- and that in itself is awesome.

You're on a good path (although not easy), and I hope you keep at it.

I've been there too; I tried to changed my first relationship around. I was so stubborn and persistent in trying to "fix" things, but you can only fix yourself and have others follow in your path. She and multiple others girls apologize to me later on, and yours probably will too -- but it's not worth it. You've got to move on, and never look back.

Kid Kool's picture

This guy is absolutelly genial!
To clarify, I am that guy that blends in with everyone and gets them to open up easily, but somehow I though I was a manipulative bastard... Kind of weird. But I feel much better now!

Al's picture

Sup Chase,
Could really do with a more in depth analysis of thread cutting/amplyfying etc

b's picture


Post from London. I enjoyed reading your thoughts and respect that you put so much value into refining the nature of your own character. Here's a prod. Have you thought about putting your knowledge into use into another field besides meeting women? As a gambler may understand gambling very well, there may be somethings about the nature of gambles that he is blind too.

I think you would make a good politician, or community organiser. Do you think that if you mastered another body of knowledge you would gain clarity on your thoughts about women, and people in general?


Al's picture

Wow, thanks alot chase you have truly helped me a whole lot firstly with your article on how to text girls, conversational tips and deep diving as for deep diving i didnt know i was always doing that with girls until i came across this post and now thanks to ur insight on the matter im going to use it as my strenghts to my advantage.

Lee's picture

there some get stuff i been reading here, I have a few question to ask you. first question is that i'm a very shy guy and nerovus when i try to approach a a girl i see, that i like but can't do. because i nervous and scared that I go talk to her that she just laugh at me saying i have no shot with her and there part i'm scared of also i might be to boring cuz have boring life.
2nd question is how to get out of being shy and becoming more soical and interesting to girls, and getting girls attracted that they want to go out with me. I don't want to just settle with a girl.

3rd My friends say im picky at girls i choose because they said there out of my league because there to hot. I want to prove that i can get a girl out of my league.
I did not have any male role model when i was young please help thanks

Tomas's picture

Hi Chase,
Generally, deep diving helps you build rapport and connection. And it's actually easy. I have some questions to things that seem to contradict. Or they don't?

1) How much deep diving is needed? Can you deep dive too much or too often up to the point it backfires?

2) Deep diving leads to connect to and getting to know each other in a very smooth way. But you know, the more a woman knows about you, the less she is willing to have sex with you. Does it contradict or not?

3) How much deep diving and how much rapport is needed before moving the woman? Can a man miss an escalation window while building rapport?

4) And more general, but often happening. You deep dive, there's connection, attraction, but you cannot move her due to external factors. You risk missing the attraction peak. What's the best thing to do in this case?

Thank You, Tom

Marko's picture

I'm trying to find the article about deep diving which mentioned the seven questions: Depth of ambition, travels, free time, thrill seeking, planning ahead, childhood, etc.

So far I've searched both the forum and site with anything I could remember from my notes, but I haven't had any luck :D

Could you point me toward that article, please? :)

Dima's picture

Hey everyone, I'm am new here (to picking up girls in general). I am 19yrs old, with good fundamentals. I tend to go for girls a year or two younger then me. Unfortunatly i am having a loads of difficulty getting positive reactions from those that I'm interested in. I try to flirt, get to know the girl, and all I can get out of it is a number, that's it. No dates after. Wile my friends within 30 min in a conversation are making out with them.
What am I missing? Is there an order to these articles that I should tackle them in? Does this stuff work on girls ages 17-20? Are there exceptions to rules such as not making to many jokes and being witty to girls that age?
Any help would be appreciated.

Capital G's picture


There's a slight hitch in my process, your expertise can really help. During a date, deep diving is a fantastic tool for allowing the young lady to really open up. I would like to create a powerful emotional spike that hammers in a hook point and allows for faster movement.

The challenge I have is partial deafness and missing an actionable verbal cue destroys interactions, therefore it is important that she does a majority of the talking.

To help me better direct the conversation flow, which topics can I study that create strong emotions quickly?

Also how should my verbal game change during a Friday night at bars/clubs. Until a lady moves with, deep diving seems too predictable.

My fundamentals/ body language are tight. I generate attraction well, but fumble closed opportunities due to my inability to hear and part insecurity that shows as well.

Thanks again for all that you do here Chase,


Stuart's picture

Hey chase,

I love your site. I've been a long time reader and supporter of I love your site because it's not some memorize "this line" site. You’ve helped me improve aspects of my life which is WAY more valuable than stupid tips and tricks offered on the majority of other sites. Anyway, some friends and I went to Vegas for a going away party. I used this trip as a way to get some field experience. I'm not new to the game I've been approaching girls for a long time but just with my own knowledge about social interactions. Since I've been reading your site I've slowly identified problems in my game and corrected those problems. I wanted to try out what I've been studying on your site. Let me just tell you I had really good success! I didn’t close (I totally could have if I wasn’t sharing my room with 4 other dudes) but that’s ok because I went with the goal of opening every type of girl from average all the way to 10's and getting numbers. I got a bunch of numbers so I really got to test the "how to text girls" thread which helped out TONS! We stayed for two days and on our last night I decided to go-for-broke. We met up with some friends that live in Vegas at a high end lounge bar. Our friends brought friends, a few girls and guys. We showed up late. We all did the introductions, ordered drinks and sat down. I saw this girl who was stunning, the only problem was she was getting hit on by tons of guys. As soon as I got my chance I took it and did the best opening I've ever done. We hit it off from the start. I decided I wanted to "deep dive" her and it went great! I was letting her do all the talking, I was "thread cutting" and giving "focused eye contact". She responded well, she was giving me all the signs. She asked for my number, she was touching me, smiling at me and flirting. It was great we had that tunnel vision thing happen where we were in our own world. The only problem was I think the deep dive went a little too deep. She was giving me hints that the people that she is living with were out of town so I tried steering the convo more sexual but at this point it was 6am and I was too late. I think I wasted too much time deep diving and not moving things forward fast enough. How do you make sure that you dive deep enough without over doing it? I'm almost sure I dove too deep because that was 3 days ago and she didn't text me. I also find myself really attached to the experience. I know that sounds weird but I thought the deep dive was supposed to make her feel attached, not me? I really appreciate all that you do chase. Your friend -Stuart

Paul Brown's picture

Hey, I've been looking at article after article and I just want to know one thing. Where can I find just the beginner or basics fundamentals? I'm not trying to just pick up women, I want to be a better conversationalist and a warmer more approachable person, not afraid to talk to a stranger and make a connection. I just want to know where to start.

Thanks Paul

Anonymous's picture

hey brother, have you posted a link on these subjects yet?

Carl's picture

This is one of the BEST articles about connecting with people that I have ever read. Very insightful, very factual psychological interplay described in this in this article.
I find all of the above t be very true and effective in dealing with people. I have honed my communication skills, increased my sales closing success, and connected with "10" women, all because I developed "deep-diving skills.
Study this article gentlemen, you will make more money in business, make more friends, and be able to seduce almost any woman you want.

Anonymous's picture

I am not sure why these articles are open for comments. Who really reads those coments, and do they matter? Including mine. lol It tends to detract from the meat of the article.


Brainbuster's picture

I read these comments.
This is one of the virtues of the internet, as opposed to a book.
We live in a golden age.

Also, Chase is very good at responding to these comments and clarifying things.

Mike's picture

I just don't get it. I do not see a single definition of deep dive. Perhaps there is a simpler explanation .

I rap & im extreamly great not good :)'s picture

Deep diving is cool and all but sometimes you don't really want to know a person to that level. This is because they will get attached to you, seeing that you are one of the only people who actually cares and understands them. Also, I recommend that you don't do deep dives in most of your conversations as it's too much for everyday conversation and can ruined the process and enjoyment of getting to know that person slowly over time. After deep diving on someone and knowing their whole story, you may get bored of them. A time however that would be ideal for deep diving is when you meet a very important person and need to get him to like you in that initial meet.

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