12 Traits All Boring, Unsexy Nice Guys Have in Common


nice guysIn “How to Use Astrology with Girls", Balla puts in a request in the comments section:

Yo Chase, I think you should make an article about un sexy friendly guy traits. Like how you mention not to hug because it’s platonic, sending girls pictures/asking, laughing or smiling to much and a few other things guys might not know what they’re doing that are very hard to detect. You just point out all the negative mannerisms and characteristics and tell us what we should do instead. I think it’ll be a great article.

I thought this would be both a fun article to do, and one that hopefully will point out to some guys some harmful thinking they might have going on, and things they’re doing with girls that they’re shooting themselves in the feet with.

So, here goes... 12 traits that all boring, unsexy nice guys have in common.


#1: Don’t Mind Waiting... and Waiting...

Across the board, if there’s one thing nice guys have in common, it’s that their time is not valuable, and they have no problem handling large chunks of it away to no one in particular.

In dating, this manifests in things like spending months gearing up the nerves to ask a girl out, or spending even longer than that chasing after women who aren’t being responsive.

It can mean going on one date after another after another, with no game plan in place, no attempts to close things out (have sex), or cut things off if they have tried and they aren’t going anywhere.

And it can mean things like pining after that one special girl even though she’s out dating other guys and they’re just patiently waiting for her to break up with her current boyfriend(s) and realize their inner beauty... however long that takes to happen.

As anyone who follows this site knows well, waiting around is the exact OPPOSITE of what you want to be doing with women (that is: moving faster with women, since attraction expires), and in any event... time’s the only thing you’ve got that you can never get back or get more of. It’s distinctly unwise to spend yours on people who don’t care for it or value it – and that includes women who aren’t anything short of thrilled about you.

Nice guys end up in the friend zone because they are fine with waiting, comfortable with it, and complain not when women shunt them into their man-queue... no matter whether they’re 2 men deep in that queue, or 20. After all, they have time...


#2: Want Points for Being “Nice"

“I don’t understand why she doesn’t like me," thinks the average nice guy; “after all – I’m nice!"

What most nice guys usually don’t realize is that this is the same exact thing morbidly obese women with legs that look like sacks of flour stacked one atop the other say about themselves in relation to their lack of dating options too: “Why don’t men want to date me? I’m so nice! Clearly, men are just shallow pigs."

Nice is the lowest common denominator. Almost everybody is “nice."

Saying that someone should like you because you’re “nice" is like saying that someone should like you because you have two lungs and breathe air. Well, yeah – if you’re a fish and breathe water, you’re automatically out of the running for a human female as a mate. Same deal if you’re antisocial, mean-spirited, and bitter. Being nice is a bare minimum requirement, NOT a shining, redeeming, rare, heroic quality.

The only reason that men in the West think they ought to get points in the mating game for being nice is that we have a highly feminized culture that attempts to coddle the feelings and emotions of its citizenry, to the extent that people get told growing up by parents, teachers, media, and any and all other authority figures that they are “nice" – it’s a way of giving someone a compliment when there’s nothing else to compliment them on.

And instead of buckling down to develop real capabilities, a lot of people polish that gold star they got in the fourth grade, smack a look of pride on their faces, and strut around feeling like kings of the hill knowing how “nice" they are, until they make it out of artificial “make their feelings feel good" land and smack straight into the brick wall that is the real world, which no amount of pats on the back can help them climb.


#3: Get Upset When the World Doesn’t Play Fair

If you’re a more normal kind of guy, and you spend time around cool / strong / sexy guys who do well with women and run their own businesses and generally are likable, self-possessed people, you’ll notice that these men tend to take everything in stride: when encountering adversity, neither do they start yelling or pouting about how unfair it is, nor do they bend and yield and break and let the world steamroll them.

Instead, they sigh, shake their heads at having to handle yet ANOTHER annoying problem, then roll up their sleeves and get to work.

That’s another way of saying that all boring, unsexy nice guys have a penchant for victim mentality. When life hands them lemons, they throw the lemons on the ground and scream at them.

nice guys

But what about the nice guys who DON’T dwell in victim mentality – you know, the ones who DO have that “roll your sleeves up and get to work" mentality?

These guys are not boring, unsexy nice guys. They’re just regular guys who haven’t quite figured out how to be optimally attractive to women yet... but they will, because they’re problem solvers, and they’re not going to take this one sitting down (or opting out because, like, the world is just too mean and unfair, so screw you, world).


#4: Believe in “Justice", “Karma", or “Just Desserts"

In university, one of my professors had our class read Maus, the biographical graphic novel about the author’s father’s actual experiences as a Jew in Nazi concentration camps. The author’s father survived, while others died, often seemingly through pure chance. There was nothing about his father that was more “just" than those who perished; if anything, some of those who died probably “deserved" to live more. For me, it was a jarring read, and I sparred with my professor over its message, not wanting to believe that there was any real role of chance in the fate of someone’s life.

The society we live in does everything within its power to dispel the notion of an unjust world, because people who feel the world is unjust – that the things that happen to us are as much or even more randomness than anything under our control – leads most people to descend into despair, and then the things that really ARE under their control don’t get done.

There are many things that are actually under our control, but we as people tend to draw the wrong conclusions about what those things are and how much control we have over them – and this is often fueled by the information sources we surround ourselves with.

For instance, one belief that seems prevalent is the “if I’m a good enough guy, some girl is BOUND to notice and want me to be her man", as if it’s possible to become so saintly that the goodness just radiates off of you and makes it clear to all who are looking that you are ideal husband material, or at least boyfriend material.

Yet, women keep ignoring the guys who take this path and chasing down the bad boys who make them cry – because those bad boys know how to advertise themselves to women.

“Justice" has nothing to do with it – some men know how to get women’s attention and arouse their interests (because they’ve studied it, worked to, and learned how) and other men just don’t (because they prefer to hope that women will recognize what they have inside... somehow).


#5: Consume a LOT of Media

I have noticed that boring, unsexy nice guys tend to consume a large quantity of media, including news and anything pundit-related – sports commentary, stock market commentary, political commentary. None of my friends who are any good with women have any patience for the perspectives of pundits, but boring nice guys don’t seem to be able to get enough of it.

The media you consume is a big part of where you draw your mental model from, and because most media is an escape from reality, that means that as you consume more and more of it, you will tend to get increasingly fantastical, non-reality based mental models running in your head.

That is to say, don’t watch any media and the only reference point you’ll have for how to get girls is your own firsthand experiences and observations. But, absorb a lot of media rather than go out and live your life, and you’ll know that the way to get girls is to save them from horrible things, and then they will be yours forever.

Which, of course, if you snap back to looking at how things play out in the real world, and how those damsels in distress really treat their white knight saviors, you’ll quickly realize, jarringly, that this couldn’t be further from the truth, at least in today’s society of attractive mates-a-plenty, and quite possibly always.


#6: Think Women are Victims of Men

Men have always been defensive of women – whether knights in shining armor riding to the defense of a woman wounded by some slanderous insult, or townsfolk rallying to lynch the outsider who doesn’t look like them who made passes at or slept with their women, men tend to treat women like resources in need of guarding and defending. Which, of course, makes sense... if not your seed in her belly, then someone else’s.

Yet, the times are different now, and the environment has changed in a way that women have moved into direct competition with men on a variety of levels. Women still naturally cry foul any time a man competes with them too hard, however, so what you have is women competing with men in men’s spheres, then complaining that men are competing with them too hard and asking other men to intervene and boot those men out of the competition (allowing the women to win whatever they’re competing for, of course). This is a competitive tactic, and in today’s day and age you must be able to recognize it.

Men who are good with women tend to laugh at women’s attempts to pull things like this off – they’re silly and cute, and doing what women do (complaining and nagging and whining to try to get their ways).

But men who aren’t that well-versed with women, don’t know and understand women that well, and still find women to be mythical, magical, fantabulous beasts? They take all of this posturing and pointing and gesticulating at face value.

No wonder nice guys think women are such sorry victims of male aggression... at no point in recent history have women been in such constant competition with men, and at no point in recent history have women spent so much time complaining about men’s unfair, anti-competitive practices against women (that really are just men’s A-game for beating out THEIR competition... male and female alike).

Nice men hear this and think women are victims of men... and then scale their OWN behavior way back so as not to offend.

Which, as you might imagine, makes them quite harmless, unthreatening, and ineffective in everything they do that remotely has any overlap with womankind.


#7: Extra Soft, Friendly, and Gentle with Women

Related to the “women are victims at the hands of uncaring men" sentiment that all boring, unsexy nice guys hold is it’s opposite: their efforts to show women what soft, gentle, friendly, and harmless dudes they are.

“Oh, Cliff? He wouldn’t hurt a fly." That’s what a boring, unsexy nice guy aspires to have women say about him.

nice guys

Because boring, unsexy nice guys believe that women find themselves victims at the hands of most men, they’re also very sensitive to the notion that any given woman may feel victimized by them.

Which means, of course, that they need to act as gentle, friendly, soft, and unintimidating as possible around women so as to not scare them off.

This includes things like:

  • Defusing tension the moment it crops up with things like telling lots of jokes or saying they “didn’t mean it" after making a witty or flirty comment

  • Laughing and smiling a lot, which defuse tension and, in larger quantities, indicate nervousness or submission (making them not a threat to women)

  • Moving slowly and going out of their way to do “just friends" stuff with women to not come across as wanting sex and remove any feelings from women of needing to “decide" about them one way or another

  • Doing things that communicate hoping for something long-term with women, like sending them pictures (something you’ll never bother doing if all you want is a fling) or doing them favors, to prevent women thinking they just want to sleep with them / encourage women to “think about them" more

  • Going out of their way to give women other forms of investment and supplication to communicate that they aren’t like those bad men who aren’t going to stick around

  • Opting for friendly / chummy actions, like hugging women, greeting them excitedly, high-fiving them, letting women gripe to them about bad things in their lives and vent to them emotionally, and others, to show that they aren’t “just about sex" like all those other bad men, and instead care about women as friends, too

If a sexy man can be thought of as a sharpened blade that cuts through the apathy of women’s lives and introduces excitement, adventure, and lust, these actions by boring, unsexy men designed to make themselves extra soft, friendly, and gentle with women are all things that help to dull the blade and make it hard or impossible to cut through the fog of normalness that surrounds her day-to-day life.


#8: Don’t Have Any Interests or Passions

High school athletes are usually passionate about their sports, or about being fit or staying in shape. Debate team members are passionate about rhetoric and argument structure. Chess players are passionate about tactics and strategies. Science and engineering and programming club members are passionate about their projects and inventions or innovations.

All of these men have one thing in common that sets them up to be attractive to women: they’re focused on triumphing over other men.

Athletes tend to be the most attractive to younger women, because their triumph over other men is the most visible to those with less mature social awarenesses. But as women grow more socially experienced, they begin to recognize broader and broader forms of passion as attractive, as they begin to realize that all forms of passion involve overcoming worthy and formidable opponents.

And if there’s one thing that boring, unsexy men all have in common it’s a distinct lack of passion, or a passion purely for uncompetitive things (like an austic’s license plate counting).

Ever meet anyone who tells you, “I have no passions"? Sometimes this is just exaggeration, or being dramatic; even Jay-Z says “I have no passion" in “Big Pimpin’", despite the fact that he clearly has passion for excelling both in music and in business.

But, there really ARE legions of men out there who have NOTHING remotely passionate in their lives... and who indulge in nothing remotely competitive, or care much about winning in those things that they do compete in (like school or their careers, or even the dating game).

A man with passion has a fire inside of him that is visible to women; it’s something that says to her, “I strive to conquer other men."

A man devoid of passion, on the other hand, communicates the exact opposite: “I attempt to conquer no men, and if a man saw fit to conquer me, he would most likely succeed."


#9: Can’t Understand Why Women Want Bad Boys

Boring, unsexy nice guys have the trait in common that they absolutely cannot understand why on Earth women have to date bad boys. It seems like the biggest, most bizarre, most irrational mystery in the universe to them... why women would keep telling them over and over again that they hate, hate, HATE bad boys, players, philanderers, and the like... and then keep ditching boring, unsexy nice guys – who are the complete opposite of those men women claim to hate! – and then go date those men they “hate" so much instead.

There’s a good reason why not a single one of these guys can understand why women date the men they do... it’s because they do not understand women a bit, and aren’t able to truly empathize with them and get inside their heads and see things from a woman’s point of view.

When a woman says, “Oh, I HATE playboys!" what she isn’t saying is, “I never want to date another playboy again because they don’t match my interests in the slightest," but, rather, “I really, really LIKE playboys, but I’m really frustrated because I can’t seem to get them to do what I want them to do in relationships (like stay loyal). Not that I’m going to give up and quit trying, of course."

Imagine doing something you really enjoy doing, but that is also difficult, frustrating, and hard – say, imagine playing some really addictive, but challenging, video game. Right after you die again, you throw your hands up in the air and say, “Oh, I HATE this game so much!"

Just then, your mother walks in and say, “Hey honey, I picked up that Teletubbies matching game for your little cousin, but she won’t be visiting until later this week – would you like to play that instead?"

That’s exactly what it feels like to a girl when she’s raging about how hard sexy men are, and a boring, unsexy nice guy offers himself as the not-so-challenging alternative.

He’s the Teletubbies game. Guess how many women want to play with him.

But because he doesn’t understand where her emotion is coming from, the boring, unsexy nice guy doesn’t get that.


#10: Think Women Don’t REALLY Like Sex

This stems mainly from sexually inexperience and/or being bad in bed.

The sexually inexperienced man will tend to believe whatever he’s told about women’s sex drives by the main influencers in his life, which in the case of most men’s lives right now are the media, and the media in the West paint a picture of women as not very desirous sexually (why the media portrays women that way, specifically, we could talk about all day).

The bad-in-bed one is just pure firsthand experience; just like if you’re bad at sales, you may just assume customers aren’t interested in whatever product you’re selling and give up on a useless market (while the guy down the street may be consistently selling out of the very same thing, unbeknownst to you), so too does the man who’s bad in bed come to the conclusion that women just don’t like sex... after all, they’d be acting a lot more excited about it around him if they did.

There’s not much to say to change a man’s mind on this – we’ve talked about it on the site before:

... but it’s really more that a man’s just got to train up his sexual prowess, learn how to make a girl orgasm, and then go out and rack up some new sexual experiences with his new talents in-tow.

Most men will never do this, though, because they don’t even realize it’s something they can do (or, they may not be willing to do it even if they are – “If she can’t get off, that’s her problem!").


#11: Believe They Must Promise Relationships for Sex

A symptom of believing that women don’t really like sex is the conclusion that if they want sex – when women clearly aren’t all that interested in the act themselves – the boring, unsexy nice guy must necessarily offer something else in exchange for sex.

That something else inevitably ends up being a long-term relationship.

That immediately wipes out any girl who’s looking for anything not-serious; if she just wants a quick fling, she’s out, because the boring, unsexy nice guy is doing his darnedest to show her he isn’t that kind of a guy and he has so much more on offer.

nice guys

That also immediately puts him in contention with all the other guys competing for any given girl’s boyfriend role, many of whom will actually be perfectly charming, attractive men, and not boring and unsexy and having the sole redeeming quality of “niceness" attached to their names.

So, the boring, unsexy nice guy mopes around wondering why no one wants to date him, even though he’s utterly removed himself from contention for one role with women, and forced himself into contention for another role where he’s likely to be outmatched against his competition (since he hasn’t worked to develop himself in any way other than being “nice"... which all the other men he’s competing with are too, plus a bunch of other, more standout, traits).


#12: Can’t Believe Any Girl Could Want Them JUST for Sex

Because women don’t really like sex, they know, and because one must trade a woman things she values – long-term relationships, yacht rides, or copious amounts of alcohol – in order to sleep with her, the idea that any woman could possibly want them JUST for sex is utterly alien to the minds of nice guys.

The weird thing is, a lot of guys – average-looking or less – once they’ve worked to develop a baseline of skill with women, tend to look back over their past and say, “Whoa, I just realized, Amy, Heather, and Jaclyn ALL wanted to sleep with me at various points, and I totally could have had I just led them somewhere private and put the moves on them. They just wanted sex! (and I didn’t give it to them)"

The reason why this was invisible to them before was partly because they didn’t know what to look for... but also partly because they didn’t even believe it.

Everything in life is like that. Almost anything you want is lying around within reach if you only knew where it was and how to get it.

There’s a story by my favorite author, the early 20th century horror writer H.P. Lovecraft, called In the Walls of Eryx. In it, the protagonist is lost within an invisible maze constructed by an alien race, able to see his freedom in every direction, but running into invisible walls at every step he takes, unable to escape. Finally, he resigns himself to his death and commits suicide, only to be discovered by the command of his military unit a few feet from the maze exit.

Stephen King’s The Mist wraps up in a similar way... and Ricardus has a story about something similar in his article “Dating Tales: A Girl from the Past, a Friend Who Let Go"; while Ric was awash in women, a friend from years before decided to take his life because he couldn’t get the girl he wanted – had he simply booked a plane flight and gone to meet Ric, Ricardus could probably have gotten him laid with a couple of girls within a few days. They wouldn’t have been that girl that he wanted specifically, but do you think the guy would’ve still axed himself even if they hadn’t exactly been his dream girls? Hardly.

The moral is that very often, things that we very much want or appreciate are right in front of our noses, but they may as well be a thousand miles away because we don’t know how to look for them, and often don’t even know TO look for them in the first place... because we don’t even believe they’re there.

For your standard boring, unsexy nice guy, he doesn’t believe any girl could ever want him just for sex – how could she? – even if, occasionally, some girls do... and he passes them up.


Hope for the Boring and the Unsexy

If you found yourself cringing and going, “Gulp... that’s me, I do that," as you read down the list, do not despair. It’s my hope that this article has served as something of a wake up call, a call to arms or to action, for anyone who might be guilty of some or all of these.

If you’re a “nice guy" but you’re not guilty of ALL of them, then you’re in good shape... you’re at least somewhere on the road to recovery. Get ‘em all squared away and you’ll be rolling.

Even if you ticked off a checkmark next to every single one of those 12 items above though, so long as I’ve got your mental wheels turning and some new ideas popping and resolves forming, there’s hope for you yet. You’ve found your way out of the maze... no need to pull your breathing mask off because you’ll never get out.

The nice thing about boring and unsexy is that it isn’t a death sentence... and it’s firmly in your control. The moment you decide you don’t want to be it anymore? Well, now you’ve got all the direction you need to go be the exact opposite of it instead.

Chase Amante

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Comments

Ryan's picture

Article


Loved the article - wanted to clarify that these unsexy traits you were listing were in reference to how not to act around girls you are trying to get with / have not slept with yet. The reason I say this is that, after sleeping with a girl a few times, I've found that exhibiting some of these qualities (in the proper quantities of course) can be a great way to keep her coming back, to keep the relationship door open should you be inclined to go that way in the future, and to make sure she doesn't go into auto rejection. Keep up the great work!

joey macnanorna's picture

another great post chase


Fallen into the trap of behaving like the above - on a few occasions - not many. People should be wise though of not falling into the trap of acting the opposite; nice guy acting like a bad boy tends to become nice guy acting like a bitter asshole. Key - in terms of my success - is to be a nice guy with strength; be nice, treat people with respect, but maintain goals, don't be a pushover, and have respect for yourself.

Slash's picture

Is all mass media bad?


Chase, this is a great article.

It is very important to point out these different mentalities that affect men, especially as they are sometimes hard to recognise.

I take issue with your point about media consumption though. You are right in that it affects peoples opinions, mentalities and expectations. But I think it would be quite shortsighted to stop consuming mass media altogether. Maybe too not take it all too seriously.

A lot of mass media provides us commonality ('you like Game of Thrones! Oh my god, me too, isn't Dragon lady awesome'). Also, when it comes to the more social aspect of game, knowledge is power. People are always impressed by knowledge, especially when combined with wit, wisdom and maturity.

Anyway, this is just my opinion, but I'm very involved in current affairs for my job, so I'm bound to defend it. What do you think?

Chase Amante's picture

Mass Media Game

Author

Slash-

Yes, that's very true; if you're using it for game correctly it can certainly be effective. One of the most talented friends I have with girls constantly combines biting sexual humor with the deepest and most hilarious / on-point pop culture references you'll ever hear... I don't understand half of what he says, but women laugh their ways into his bed every time.

From what I understand of Game of Thrones, it's a pretty masculine show and the messages are mostly pretty good - I think so long as you're picking and choosing your media carefully, you can be okay. For the guys who are just starting out though and don't have a very good intuitive sense about this, or aren't very good at listening to their instincts / have let modern thought dull their instincts, it's probably worth taking some time off to detox before coming back with a more skeptical eye about what's worth consuming and what isn't.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hi, I read this post and the


Hi, I read this post and the post on women being naughty. What is your definition of naughty because in my experience when a girl is really into me she either acts very dainty like a good girl or confident and "loose" like a bad girl (but both want sex). Some girls can act both ways at different times. It's possible the way I'm flirting with her or treating her influences the way she acts, and my question is: are these both considered "naughty" and is one preferred over the other? What are the implications or consequences of each mood?

Chase Amante's picture

Naughty

Author

Anon-

Was just using it in the naughty girls piece in the vein of "all girls enjoy hard, raunch sex with attractive, dominant men."

Some women will act dainty when aroused because their default mode is submission in the face of dominance, so this can indeed be a sign that she's switching into sexual mode. Other women will gear up and become feisty as they become more aroused - the biggest indicator is just if you're seeing much more physical closeness, droopy eyes, a change in voice tone, more touching, heavier breathing, more pausing / running out of things to say, etc., she's getting turned on and is preparing to "get naughty" with you... provided you can lead her the rest of the way, of course.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Girls being difficult


Hi Chase,

When a girl's trying to be difficult e.g. refusing compliance (not allowing me to sip her drink, or the shy girl who's not sure and changes her mind from "yes" to "no" when asked out), having an attitude/gone cold (probably a bit too much teasing prior), how should I handle such situations without coming across as someone who's lost his cool, being needy yet clearly showing that he's in firm control of the interaction?

After months of reading articles from this site, I can't help but to always see any sort of difficulties put on by girls as "cute and silly", at which point I just smile at them (trying to be as sexy a smile as possible) and move on to talk about other stuffs. It seems as though I don't even bother to assert my dominance over them anymore because in my mind it's just a "silly game" they play with me.

I don't push them or insist that they comply with my requests since I don't want to be seen as someone who loses his cool/get angry just because a girl refuses compliance. Am I being a "nice guy" here? Should I have pushed them/insisted that they comply instead?

What would be the socially savvy ways to handle these kind of situations - to show the girl that you are in firm control of the interaction without coming across as too strong/needy that they go into auto-rejection/lose attraction?

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Girls being difficult

Author

Anon-

It depends on the situation, but usually you want to just drop it as soon as you get a "no" and act chill, while dialing down your enthusiasm and energy around her or getting "distracted" (very calmly and naturally) by something else. Think "she just got boring and now my attention is slowly drifting away."

Essentially, she has refused investment in you, and as a result has broken the positive spiral of increasing investment the two of you had between one another, so now things slowly start falling the other way. You don't want it to look TOO abrupt, otherwise you seem reactive, sensitive, and/or bitter; instead, it needs to be a gradual thing, so that SHE senses that she is losing you.

If she doesn't like you, this won't matter, and she won't care. If some part of her did like you though, she will try to reengage you (some girls will also attempt to out of a feeling of social obligation, but you'll generally be able to tell these girls because their efforts seem half-hearted).

If, however, it's a do-or-die situation where you're never going to see her again and she's going to leave if you don't find a way to get her to stick around, it can be worth while to pull the hard push out of your arsenal and put it into play - you won't do this in normal situations because the harder you push on something, the bigger a deal it is, and you don't want to blow up anything that's likely to be salvageable later or may have social repercussions, but in a socially anonymous situation (like a cold approach pick up) where it's over if she doesn't comply, then push away - the worst thing that can happen is it ends anyway, but the BEST thing that can happen is that she resists a lot, and then complies - and the more she resists before ultimately complying, the bigger an investment win it is for you and the larger the attraction spike you'll see in her when she does.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Competing with other men


Chase,

Point #8 got me thinking, should I compete with other men for the the attention of a girl in a bar, club, or social circle. Doesn't that just make her think she is better then she really is ?
Thank you Chase.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Competing with other men

Author

Anon-

I wouldn't recommend competing with other men for a girl's attention; however, if you can just TAKE her attention, then get her out of there, that's certainly worth doing. Some of the funner seductions you will have are the ones where you walk into the place and there are only a handful of pretty girls, all of them surrounded by men competing for them, and you engineer a way in, grab the girl, and either leave with her phone number and meet up with her to sleep with her later or you find a way to get her out of there then and there.

When you go that route and you do it correctly, you won't seem to be competing so much as coming in to provide a much needed (and sexy) breather from all the boring guys trying and failing to interest her.

This article's a good reference on how to do that if you want to know more: "Trouncing Male Competition for Girls in the Dating Scene."

Chase

Emile's picture

Humor


Hey Chase,
Sweet article! Can you explain the intricacies of humor and what forms of it to use when around women?

Best regards

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Humor

Author

Emile-

Haha... that's one of the biggest topics out there!

Anyway, I've had it on my article queue for a long time - when I get a sizeable enough block of time to sit down and write that one out, I will do so.

Chase

Djcozy's picture

Befriending


Hi Chase,

In the article you talked about chummy/friendly actions with women and it got me thinking about friendships with women. I find myself in situations where I meet women in social activities or through my social circle who are attracted to me but I'm not. I am wondering how to communicate this? How to befriend them and rather use them as an asset to meet more of their attractive friends? And how to not create attraction, which is something I don't really have much control on yet.
If there's an article that touches this please point me in the right direction!

Cheers,

Djcozy

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Befriending

Author

DJ-

It's generally good form to flirt with most women, but if you get the sense that a girl you aren't gunning for is interested in you, it's best to scale it back with her and basically treat her the way you would a male friend - zero sexual interest, tension, or innuendo, and just factual, logical, male-oriented topics with no flirting. That sends a pretty clear message that you're not treating her as an option, and when she sees you shift into sexual mode around a pretty girl it drives home the point that you aren't being mean but you aren't pursuing her.

So long as they don't feel led on by you, most women won't interfere if you're otherwise nice and respectful and approachable and friendly toward them but not sexual or flirtatious.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Bad boy 2.0


Chase can you please do another bad boy post. Including how to really get under her skin and drive her crazy (in a good way) (mostly).
Much appreciated

JustinY's picture

Re: Bad boy 2.0


I second that motion! And please talk more about being Byronic.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Bad boy 2.0

Author

Anon-

Have you seen all of these (first one after your comment here)?:

Alternately, if those don't do the trick, give me a little more in terms of specifics of what you're looking for that aren't covered and I'll see what I can do.

Chase

HIV's picture

Approaching girls walking.


Chase, how do you approach girls walking on the street?
If I see a girl walking opposite you, coming in your direction and gives
you a quick glance, should stop her and open her?

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Approaching girls walking.

Author

HIV-

That's an interesting handle.

You can stop girls like a policeman if you like when they're coming towards you -- get right in her path, put both hands up, and say, "Stop!" with a smile on your face but an otherwise authoritative voice and firm body language, though make sure you're about 10 to 15 feet from her when you do so you don't surprise her too much.

Personally, I'm not a huge fan of the stop-a-girl-who's-walking-toward-you one, and prefer to give her a smile back, then turn around, walk back up beside her, and open from the side.

Chase

tayoisrich's picture

#12 was me before 2012...


before I discovered this site in 2012, number 12 was me! I had a few girls that just wanted sex but I was too dumb too notice!!!

I hear voices in my head...

Chase Amante's picture

#12

Author

Good to see you on here, Tayo!

And glad you're #12 no more... ;)

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Fashion


What do you think is more attractive? Just the color red or the contrast of black and white.

Chase Amante's picture

Red vs. Black & White

Author

Anon-

Provided we're talking sexual attraction and perceptions of power to members of the opposite sex, it's definitely red.

(you can get some sense of this yourself by imagining a woman walking toward you in black and white, and another in bright red - the one in bright red just grabs you at a visceral, emotional, primal level that black and white usually will not be able to match)

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Hi Chase, I was thinking


Hi Chase, I was thinking today -- Can people fall in love with others who aren't their ideal partner? I know bonding chemicals are released from having sex and spending time with someone (but also that many people can have sex with multiple people and feel no attachment) which might confuse their brain into thinking they're in love. Is this only temporary? So I'm sure it comes down to the individual person, but are most people in love and will stay in love in their current relationship? It just seems odd that there are millions of people out there and so many people look so happy and in love in their relationships. Unless you believe that everyone has only one other special person for them out there, which is somewhat easy to disprove, there is no way that all these people are with their ideal partner even though it may seem like it.

So is there any way to tell when a girl is one who will keep me interested for the long haul or vice versa? I think you mentioned something about how feeling out of control is one of the elements of feeling in love. But how does feeling out of control or being less invested compare with other elements like level of attraction or compatibility? It's not like I can choose to be unattracted to a girl just because she doesn't meet my standards or even know that a girl who did meet my standards would fulfill me as much or even more. As I write this I realize that attraction is not logical and there probably aren't answers to these questions since there are so many variables and each person is different, so perhaps the answer is that there is no way to tell when or if you will lose attraction for someone (or if someone else will come along will peak your interest even more). I also think that, maybe humans were just meant to have multiple partners to reproduce as much as possible so people just naturally have the urge to mate with a variety of people after they've satiated their urges with one. When you talk about those couples who are still in love after 50 years is it not because they aren't attracted to other people, but that they're still attracted to eachother and choose to remain committed?

P.S. You make nice guys sound like the plague but i've been seeing many cases of attractive women with nice guys or fat guys who aren't very confident or sexy.

Chase Amante's picture

Long-Term Compatibility

Author

Anon-

Long-term compatibility is actually a very different thing from what makes two people fall in-love. All the research I've seen on it has pretty consistently found that the relationships that start the most passionately and explosively tend to be the ones least likely to last, and the ones that begin the most calmly end up being the stablest.

How you define "ideal partner" will determine the answer to the question of whether people can fall in love with those that aren't it or not. Is it what people say they want when you ask them? Then absolutely - in fact, they're more likely to fall in love with someone who is NOT their "ideal partner" than someone who checks off every trait they list but doesn't give them that "spark." If by "ideal partner" you mean an emotional judgment (the person you just really click with), then it's a fair bit harder (since falling in love is an emotional deal), though not impossible - if you become emotionally dependent on someone and they begin flipping the right scarcity and dominance triggers, it's possible to begin feeling in-love feelings for someone who wasn't at first your ideal (though equally possible this just triggers resentment).

When you're weighing things for the long-term, it's necessary to examine both passionate and compassionate lover; you need both for the most successful long-term relationships.

As for making nice guys sound like the plague... well, it's not the end of the world if a guy's a nice guy, but sometimes you need to slap someone in the face a little bit for him to realize there's a problem at all. You can still coast by being that way, but if you want an excellent life, it's usually worth handling certain areas that will slow you down and hold you back, and I tend to think this is one of them.

Chase

GM's picture

Spot-on Chase. I have a


Spot-on Chase.

I have a number of friends like this - although how much longer they'll be my friends for is another matter. It's amazing how many guys don't get it, are just plain needy, and so on. They think that being nice with women will take them places. You must be extremely selective about the company that you keep.

Good to see you're still giving the best advice on seduction out of anyone out there bar none. I started reading you over a year ago. You changed my life. You probably hear this sort of stuff from guys all the time but seriously, I appreciate it. Thank you for showing me the door. I'm happy I was smart enough to go through it.

Chase Amante's picture

Friends

Author

Cheers, GM. You're very welcome.

Friends will come and go, especially when you move through major life transformations. Few of the friends you had before will usually go through them with you - that's when you realize you simply have different value structures, and you go off in search of others with more similar orientations who'll be better fits to help and accompany you on your journey.

Each one of these you go through though, you get progressively better friends who are closer and closer to where you're at, and you'll find more and more of them are on the same trajectory as you and accompany you down the road to the same places.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Overly nice guys are great until a crazy guy steals us away


Girls like guys that are too nice until some crazy guy snatches them away. But men in reverse don't like bad girls and they hate being victims of women because of their fragile egos.

Mickey's picture

B.S!!!


"Girls like guys that are too nice until some crazy guy snatches them away."

No they don't. As soon as the drug dealer/thug/international gun runner comes on the scene, Most women will throw themselves at them.

So, enjoy yourselves when your "exciting" bad boy knocks up both your best friend AND your sister!!!

David Riley's picture

Mainstream vs Reality


To back up Mickey, women can't stand men who do everything they say. It's too predictable and as a result women get bored. That like men who can challenge and give them a roller coaster of emotions. Women like nice guys because they are reliable. Women know they can treat a nice however they want because they will stay and tolerate the mistreatment. A man with dignity isn't afraid to lose women and kick her to the curb. A real man doesn't keep people around who make him feel like less of a man. Mainstream has the problem of feeding people what sounds good and is impractical.

If mainstream advice actually worked, no one would be complaining. The problem in reality is getting girls takes real work. People hate change and shaping themselves. They want to put in as little effort as possible and expect huge results. Life doesn't work that way. To get anything you must put in some food of work. Even "good looking" guys still have to put in a little effort to achieve results. Only when you truly discover what women likes does pick up become easy. However, its all about dedicated time and effort. Guys should be seeking to get better with women with each approach.

Take care,

Just Dave

Mickey's picture

So much for integrity


When being a man of your word and doing what you say you will becomes one more disability in the minds of the supposedly "fair sex," that becomes just one more closed door in the dating farce. That doesn't leave too many open doors left except for the thug route. I need another drink...

Gil's picture

I disagree. When women are


I disagree. When women are putting on fancy clothes and makeup to attract guys - they're not trying to attract any and every man rather they're trying to attract Alpha males. They're not going to all that bother to attract Joe Schlub coach potato-extraordinaire nor any variant of the Nice Guy.

By the same token men are hitting the gym, wearing flash clothes, reading up articles like these to attract women who at least 6 to 7 in the looks spectrum but preferably 8 or 9. It may be cruel to say that in some respect because the amount of women in the 1-5 looks range make up something like 60% of womanhood.

Unfortunately just as most women are invisible to men when scouting for a potential partner so too most men are invisible to women too. I'd say it's a safe bet that when a men fantasises about the woman he wants to be with that she's going to be good-looking. So too most women fantasise about snagging a handsome, confident man and not certainly those creep,y nerdy, Nice Guys who either leer at her from a safe distance or do everything he can to help her and look good in her eyes.

Undoubtedly you hit the nail on the head when you described some ugly woman who thinks she's entitled to a good man for existing. Sure enough most Nice Guys are at the bottom of the looks spectrum and act surprised when good-looking women aren't paying much attention to them and deep down Nice Guys know good-looking women are most certainly not wanting to have sex with them. They know very well they can't snag a good-looking on merit alone so they do the cliché Nice Guy rigmarole because they'd rather be a sycophantic follower of a beautiful woman than be in a genuine relationship with a women who "homely" on a good day.

David Riley's picture

Top of The Line


Hey Gil,

I agree that women are constantly out trying to attract alpha males. Because those are the guys who are going to know how to approach and talk to women. They aren't afraid to lose women. He treats her like she isn't anything special because he knows a secret. The secret that even if she says "no", there's another one that will say "yes". That's all he's looking to hear, he's not going to chase women. He replaces them and that's what makes a man likes this so rare to women. He's ballsy enough to hit on a women and hit on her friend the next instant. He's not taking anything they say personal or to heart. He's just out to see how the evening will play out. He's out approaching different women and can use eye contact to turn them on. He's really the rare top of the line man.

Just Dave

The M's picture

Mood swings before asking her out


Hi Chase,

Say you see a girl who's a hired gun or a classmate a few times before you try asking her out. But one day (before you ask her out) she's distressed or zoned out or in a bad mood. You don't really have time to figure out what's going on or comfort her since she's behind the counter or in class. So how should you handle this? Maybe probe a little, then say something like, "Hey, how about this - let's go get tea or something tonight and we can get you all cheered up?"

Best,
The M

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Mood swings before asking her out

Author

M-

You'll want to skip over this here. In fact, avoid interacting with her at all if possible, and minimize your interaction if you can. You want to generally send the message with people that you will be happy to spend time with them when they're happy, but if they're going to be moody you're just going to give them the bare minimum (passing cordiality) and then be on your way.

This both communicates to them you're a high value guy who has standards and isn't going to put up with that nonsense just to partake of their company, and it also serves as a wake up call to them to knock it off and stop pouring their bad emotions out on the people around them - so it's doubly good, for you and for them.

If she's social circle or someone you see intermittently, always wait until she's in a good mood before you ask her out - you want to ask her out on a high point, not a moderate or low one, and you want to be the exciting option for her when she's raring to go, rather than the salve who's going to be there for her when she's in a bad mood (who gets to absorb all her bad emotions, and then she's off to go meet the exciting guy now that she's feeling better - let some other guy be the handkerchief, and you be the excitement).

Chase

The M's picture

Thanks


Great, fortunately that's what I did...

M

Anonymous's picture

Good info


Hey chase. I've just came across your site,i appreciate your insighful and complex views on how to understand woman.
You have loads of good info. Sometimes common sense, sometimes not so obvious. Do you have a degree in psycology or is self introspection just throu practice int he field? Idont have so much time to read all your posts. i really hope you launch a new book where you touch all these matter, Will you? ill deffinetiley buy!

Regards,

David Riley's picture

Link and New Book


Hey Anon,

Here's the link to Chase's bio
http://www.girlschase.com/about-me-chase-amante

Also, Chase is working on a new relationship book. He has already released one book so far "How to Make Girls Chase".

Take care,

Just Dave

Sebastian's picture

Article is OK, if I apply it


Article is OK, if I apply it to myself. It means I have to get her into bed the first night. I happened twice, I had a date after an already fabulous but exhausting weekend, so I was very relaxed and not keen on sex, but this was what she probably wanted and she basically called me a nice guy to my face, meant to be an insult or accusation. This happened twice, so I guess I have to get her laid and then wait for her calls, then treat her like shit so she can peg me as a bad boy and get wet from that.

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