Attraction Has an Expiration Date
A guy meets a girl he likes. He starts talking to her, and there's electricity in the air. Attraction. He can tell she likes him. A lot, even.
She tells him all kinds of things about herself, her eyes wide and filled with excitement. It feels as though there's a bubble around them, in which only they exist; the outside world falls away.
For a while, as time passes, the energy and enthusiasm only builds. It builds and builds, until it hits a peak; a crescendo. And then... it begins to fade.
The guy panics mentally; he can tell he's losing this girl, whom he felt so sure was his only minutes before. He works hard, trying to turn things around, to reignite the passion that was there. But alas, his efforts fail, and the fire dies.
He's fallen victim to a painful fact of life and love: attraction has an expiration date.
But what's more painful is, guys almost never realize this is why they failed. Usually they assume it was a value problem, or that they need to get better at maintaining attraction.
If only they knew the truth: they did just fine with attraction. It was, ultimately, that failure to act in a timely enough manner that led them to losing the girl.
Does Attraction Expire?
The first time we talked about this subject on this blog was in "Move Faster," the original post about moving quickly with women to capitalize on open escalation windows. This post is going to cover some similar ground, but the phrasing is a little different and I think the concept of attraction having an expiration date is rather a new one and one worth writing on.
Personally, I am, by nature, a rather risk-averse guy. I tend toward inaction over action, like, most probably, a majority of people out of there. Now, I've pushed myself for a long time to take bold action and force myself into taking some risks, so I do tend to take a lot more risks than most folks, but I still have a tendency to fall back on risk-averse behavior in some circumstances.
Because of this, I've lost... oh, quite possibly hundreds of women. And that includes everything from sultry looks from beautiful women whom I absolutely should've opened and didn't, to women I had in my bed that I gave up on too soon and never closed the deal with. Girls I'd been well into the last 5% with; heck, some of them I'd been into the last 0.5% with.
Some of those I still kick myself over. The tall, sexy Brazilian girl who'd been making out with me in the nightclub, whose top I'd had off, who suddenly panicked last minute and charged out of the room. But she wasn't sure she wanted to leave; she needed me to reassure her. But I took too long, and lost her. The spunky, adventurous Thai girl I spent a night with and from whose bed I rose early without sleeping with her, only to have her kiss me passionately and all but beg me to stay, but I'd grown too weary and left when I should've just closed things out. The stunning Indian girl sprawled out on my bed, paging through my coffee table book SuperSex, that I should've just jumped onto bed with and given what we both wanted.
All those girls and a lot more I lost for want of capitalizing on their attraction while it was on the table. I ignored the dictum that attraction has an expiration date; and instead I let attraction expire. We never got together.
And when you miss a girl like this, your life's the poorer for it, and her life's the poorer for it. You miss out on incredible opportunities to experience each other because of your inaction. Because make no mistake, women won't take action for you. They're waiting for you to take action.
And while they wait, the clock is ticking.
Attraction's Expiration Date
Why does attraction expire? If two people are suited for each other, they ought to have all the time in the world to get together, one might think.
I first noticed that attraction had an expiration date back in college. I noticed that girls in my classes who'd stare at me all day and smile at me and flirt with me would only do it for a time; gradually, as they flirted and I took no action, they'd come to lose interest, and eventually they'd move on.
And then, they'd even end up being outright cold. I didn't know it at the time, but what I was experiencing from them was auto-rejection – and it was I who was to blame for their coldness.
Inaction on the part of the man leads women to give up and lose hope.
But when I actively started cold-approaching, it all happened so fast I had to learn it all over again. It seemed like something different altogether; whereas before, attraction's expiration date with girls in my classes seemed to be months or even years after I first met them, the expiration date on strangers I'd just met seemed to at times be minutes or even seconds later.
So, at first, I didn't think it was the same phenomenon. It couldn't be. Could it?
I did the thing most guys do, and I focused on pumping my value. I made myself into a more and more attractive guy. I got a cooler and cooler life: a well-regarded, prestigious job; travel to fun, exotic places; invitations to exclusive clubs, parties, and events.
But it seemed like the more amazing a man I made myself, the quicker girls went cold on me. And it began to drive me absolutely crazy. "How on Earth do I fix this?" I'd think to myself.
Eventually some of the pieces started coming together. I learned to talk about myself a lot less and get girls talking about themselves much more. It didn't make much sense at first, but I couldn't dispute the fact that women seemed to be more interested in me when I told them fewer cool things about myself, and just focused on exuding coolness and sexiness without talking about it.
And I learned to move faster. I even found that I had a far higher percentage chance of sleeping with a girl on the first date than I did on the second. That blew my mind a little bit.
To think I used to not try to sleep with girls on the first date because I thought I might lose them that way. Turns out, the opposite is true: NOT trying to sleep with girls on the first date was what was losing them for me.
And that's because, as it turns out, attraction has an expiration date. It's only good while it lasts. Get girls while they're hot. For a limited time only. Going, going... gone.
Once I realized it, it changed things for me in a BIG way. No more hemming and hawing and thinking, "Maybe I'll just wait a little longer." No more internal clocks saying, "It's too soon for this to happen!" No more inaction because too little time had passed.
Instead, I started moving a lot more speedily, I skipped steps and cut corners wherever I could, and my results went up. A lot. Like, it wasn't even close.
And, as thrilled as I was at the huge boost in success rates, I had to ask myself: "Why is this so? Why are women so much more willing to go to bed with men who move fast with them, and why is there a sell-by date stamped onto attraction?"
Best If Used By
The funny thing about attraction is that men tend to internally take full personal responsibility for it, but never stop to consider that, perhaps, women might also be doing the same exact thing.
But in fact, they often are.
When I point out to girls that a guy likes them whom they don't want to like them, at times I've had them ask me if they were doing something wrong or coming off in a way that made the guy interested.
They're taking responsibility for his interest.
Likewise, if a girl likes you, but you don't do anything... again, she'll take responsibility. And inside, she'll tell herself she failed to attract you.
And failure don't feel so great.
So, what women end up doing is the same thing men end up doing when they decide someone doesn't like them and isn't responding to them; they write them off.
"Ah, who needs him?" a girl thinks. "Who cares if he doesn't like me?"
Now, you might be saying, "But I TOLD her I like her!" And, that might be true. But if you didn't tell her soon enough, and if you didn't back your words up with action, it wasn't enough.
Women can turn their opinions of a man on a dime. They can be in love with him and going crazy hoping he walks up to them one moment, and then he hesitates a split second and they decide they hate his guts. Let her linger with the feeling she hates you for 5 seconds, and then you decide to approach her... by the time you get there, she doesn't even want to talk to you anymore.
Sometimes the girls who give you puppy dog eyes before you meet them will be colder to you than anyone else if they think they were obvious about their attraction and you took too long to come meet them.
As a guy, this probably sounds crazy to you. So, let me explain.
Another lifetime ago, I had a social phobia. I was literally afraid of doing anything actively with people. I turned the cool kids down when they invited me to their parties, and I turned the pretty, popular girls down when they asked me out, because I was afraid to say yes. Sounds crazy, I know, but I was. The only way I could get any kind of attention was by attracting people's interest and having them come up to me.
And let me tell you... it sucked. It absolutely, positively SUCKS big time to be sitting there waiting and hoping for someone to come talk to you. Waiting and hoping that cute girl you like comes and flirts with you and maybe even asks you out. And if she doesn't, well, some of the time you'll even shrug and say to yourself, "Eh, who needs her."
This is how women feel ALL THE TIME, because most women are trapped in a perpetual state of waiting and hoping for men to take action. They aren't going to walk up to you and start talking to you, 99.7% of the time; it violates every law of male-female dynamics.
So all they can do is look at you longingly and hope you come talk to them.
All they can do is hint to you in conversation they want you to stop joking around and start getting to know them.
All they can do is suggest to you they want you to take them home and give them a night to remember.
All they can do is joke to you they want you to become lovers with them.
And, if their efforts to get you moving things forward fall on deaf ears, and you don't take action, and you don't move things forward, they become bitter for it, and they close off to your future efforts.
Get 'Em While They're Hot
So what do you do if attraction is a fast-vanishing thing?
- Pay attention to what women are telling you. This goes for both verbal and nonverbal cues. Look at her eyes – is she looking at you excitedly? Look at her body language – is she leaning in? Listen to her words – is she asking you where you live, or whether you have roommates, or how far away your place is? These are all signs she wants you to move things forward, fast.
- Shoot first, ask questions later. If you're not sure whether a girl wants you to move things forward or not – try. Trying and failing won't set you back too much; she'll just know you mean business. But not trying – that kills your chances, because it lets her attraction expire. Always err on the side of action over inaction, especially when you're not sure which way to go. Better to try and fail and learn than never try at all and never know and never improve.
- Always be moving forward. Something I was very guilty of for a long time, and that I see a lot of guys perpetually are, was of ending up in these situations where you aren't moving forward with the girl, and just hovering there for a long time. Women see this for what it is: stalling. Stalling just gives women time to feel disappointed and let their attraction expire. The instant an interaction starts feeling stagnant, you've been there too long. Take bold action and move things forward.
Beat attraction to the expiration date. It makes such a colossal difference in your interactions; I can't stress doing it enough. Women will be glad you capitalized on their attraction before it expired – and so will you!
Wishing you many speedy interactions and a 0% expiration rate,
Chase Amante
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Comments
whats too long? when does
whats too long?
when does "attraction expire"
Re: whats too long? when does
Hi Anon,
It's pretty nuanced, and there're a number of situational factors. So asking when exactly attraction expires is a bit like asking when any other opportunity's passed you by. For instance, that job you interviewed for might make you an offer, and maybe it's off the table in a week if you don't accept it, or maybe you actually have three weeks before they close the doors to you. Depends on them, on you, how much they like you, how much they need you, how strong or weak an impression you made, etc.
I generally take the tack that if I haven't slept with a girl in two weeks, it probably isn't going to happen. As noted in the article about hooking up with friends, another big factor can be, when it comes to social circle girls, how close she is to you in your circle. If she's going to be on the interior and you're going to spend a lot of time around her, you've got to do it fast -- like, a week and a half, two weeks -- in my experience, or she'll get used to seeing you as a fixture. If she's on the periphery of your circle and you never interact with her you have more time.
For girls I'm taking on dates, the majority these days if I don't sleep with them by the end of the first date, I don't see them again. If I run into a shier girl that I can feel is very attracted but just too nervous, I may take her on another date or two first, though usually nowadays I'm pretty strict about my one-date rule.
Chase
How to retain attraction over long distance?
Hi Chase
Firstly, thank you for your website. I have found it extremely insightful and useful already.
Regarding the above, I recently met a woman overseas during a holiday, we hit it off well and she gave me her number. We met towards the very end of my trip (I'm now back home) and I didn't "move fast" (which I now know is the strategy of choice having come across this site), but we have since exchanged a few text messages, which have been very positive and indicate she remains attracted to me (e.g. asking me when I'll be back).
Are there any ways to keep this attraction from expiring before the next time I see her? Should I send the occasional text to keep myself in her mind - the problem I can see with this is we don't get to progress past sending each other flirty texts and she gets bored.
Thanks again!
Re: How to retain attraction over long distance?
Hey Larry,
Kudos on the gal you met overseas. Always makes a trip more fun and memorable when you meet a beautiful stranger!
Honestly, I've tried it a number of ways, and what I've found consistently to serve me best with long distance stuff is to make a strong first impression, grab a girl's contact info, trade an email or two exchanging goodwill and telling her it was great to meet her and that I hope to see her again the next time I'm in town or that she should drop me a line if she makes it to my area, and then... disappear. Entirely.
The problem with maintaining close contact or even sporadic flirting long distance tells a woman that you want her as a girlfriend. But she knows that 1) you're not boyfriend material (you don't live there, somewhat of a prerequisite for filling the role of the man in her life that she spends a lot of time with and sees regularly), and 2) you also don't have many options at home (otherwise, why would you bother writing her?), which drops your value to her in any capacity.
So, make sure you don't do the sporadic flirting and especially not the continual contact / email buddy / Skype friend thing. Women respond far, far better when you resurface after a long absence than they do when you've been a continual platonic (e.g., guy who isn't sleeping with them) presence in their lives.
Keep contact cut until you're in her neighborhood again, and you'll keep your chances at their maximum.
Cheers,
Chase
I have a similar question...
I recently got really lucky with a message on OKC, an 8 or 9 in my book and initial replies to my messages, after a quick exchange whe was saying she enjoyed speaking to me and found my beard very sexy and said she would love to show me around her home town.
Only trouble is, it's like 400 miles away - and so the chances of me getting there are slim in the next couple of weeks. Plus I think she may also have started to cool off on me because I started demonstrating excess value and too much platonic messaging/entertainment/banter. However, thankfully I was reading your blog at the time, I may have stopped doing it before it became to much of a problem. Ideally I'd love to be able to turn the situation around, give her a couple more days of no contact then reopen and somehow be able to work it so it feels NATURAL for me to go up there and see her, or for her to come and see me?
Or should I just concentrate on women closer to home? This one is a major hottie, though!
Re: I have a similar question...
Hey xact,
It's a little dangerous once you start noticing any degree of cooling off. At that point, you pretty much have to get her pursuing you, or else you veer too far into friend / boyfriend territory and it's hard to climb back out.
The problem with your situation is it's often not a good idea to travel far to see a girl. The odds when you do are lower than if she comes to see you. That said, it isn't impossible, provided she's sufficiently interested and attracted before you go to see her.
If you're good on the phone, that's your best shot with this gal. Talk to her, get her liking you a lot again, and then invite her to come spend a weekend with you and promise to show her the sights in your town. Promise her an incredible weekend -- you probably don't want to explicitly mention going to bed with her, but it should be implied, so she'll know she won't be wasting her time. If she won't come but wants you to go to see her, make sure you agree only if she seems very interested and she agrees to give you a great time and cook you some amazing food and take good care of you while you're there. The last thing you want is a 800-mile round trip that amounts to little more than a big gasoline bill.
Regardless, after this girl, I'd highly recommend keeping things within a 25-mile radius -- unless you get them to come see you, of course ;)
Chase
so...
I've read practically all the articles on this blog so this comment will refer to several as well as this one and think this is one of the best sites out there, or at least, the one that fits in most with my world view, attitudes toward women and so forth. For as long as I've been interested in women I've consistently been able to surround myself with high-value females however, romantic interaction has been practically minimal.
For so long I'd been wondering WTF it was that was 'wrong' with me that was causing me to 'self-cockblock' because the sudden transitions from subtle and not-so subtle IOIs to cold shoulder or friend-zoning were really starting to freak me out.
I think a large proportion of this was, as you say here is key, plain and simply a case of not acting fast enough, not taking advantages of opportunities presented early on out of occupying some stupid moral high ground of 'is now the right time to engage in this' rather than 'I should give this woman what she wants, now'. I can see now that this mental block that seemed to pop up and stop me from leaning in for the kiss or whatever when I was dealing with sexually available women was entirely down to societal conditioning getting in the way of my natural masculine flow to take advantage of these opportunities when presented.
And often the 'last five percent' thing has come into play; I've actually got a girl into bed but getting there has been so arduous or there's been so much foreplay and fooling round that I've been too tired for full sex; and you're right, it seems to be really difficult to get back to that point once you've let it go by except with women that have their hooks in you as BF/provider material.
There are also many other things I have been doing (i.e. demonstrating excess value) and can now see just how damaging they've been to my game over the years. People (myself included) just couldn't figure out how as a popular DJ/club promoter who is a good conversationalist, can cook up a storm, speak several foreign languages and isn't too bad looking could still be striking out quite so badly despite being surrounded by women, but some of the concepts here have cracked some of the mysteries I've been struggling to understand about male-female interaction for SO long, so kudos for making this stuff available in such a digestible format.
You have this stuff down in a way that is very different from the other seduction/pua stuff which I can relate to a lot better - maybe it's an Aquarius thing.
The best thing is that I don't think that these paradigm shifts you have brought on are going to be particularly difficult to implement.
I think the main thing is that other material comes at it from the standpoint 'if you're not getting anywhere with women, start again and build yourself up as this whole other person' kinda deal, whereas your way of looking at things makes it easier to identify certain unconscious behaviour patterns that are ruining people's chances of making their own style work for themselves.
So, rather than reinvent myself at age thirty-something I can now see where I have to apply tweaks to my strategy in order to avoid falling at the same hurdles over and over again, and it's also gratifying to know that I've been doing a lot of things right along the way, sometimes knowingly and other times not.
Constantly striking out with women I've been attracted to has been the bane of my life and fuelled more angst and depression in my life over the years than any other single life issue, and reading some of the stuff in this blog has renewed my faith in the fact that I may still be able to enjoy a full and active sex life while there's still some youthful vigour left in me; thanks for that!
Re: so...
xact, appreciate you sharing your story and letting me know what you've found useful. Sounds like you do have a big number of advantages, but yeah man, even if you've got all the advantages in the world, that one thing (not closing when you've got the chance to) will kill you every time, won't it?
The really cool thing is, with a guy like you who's already put so much time building himself up into an attractive guy who clearly is able to get that initial attraction from women (and that's all you really need), as soon as you start consistently looking to escalate in those situations, it changes your outcomes dramatically.
Basically, you've set up the pipeline, now you've just got to do something with all the women that are coming through. In essence, the hardest part you've already done.
I'll tell you, making the switch from being the guy who sits there thinking, "Gosh, is it time yet? Oh, I don't know," to the guy who says, "Yeah, I don't really know if she's ready to be kissed just yet, but there's only one way to find out -- she's getting kissed!" will be such a momentous turning point in your seductions that you'll end up wishing you'd made it a long time before. That's the way it was for me, and that's the way it is for just about every guy that decides to start focusing on closing.
You zero in on closing consistently, and a few weeks and a string of successes later you come away slapping yourself in the head, going, "How'd I let so many girls walk away disappointed? Geez!"
And then you smile at all the present success that one little change starts bringing you, and at all the future success it will too.
Chase
Cancelled Dates
Your website has been incredibly helpful with tons of content, great ideas, sharp insights. Thank you so much.
My problem is all the cancelled dates. I've been having a lot of luck MAKING dates with women in their 40s. Often because of busy work schedules, it can be up to a week from the time I meet them, to the time our date is supposed to happen. Then they cancel the day before, or the day of. It’s happened 3 times in a row now!
I've been communicating by short text messages. Are the women losing their comfort due to the long period of not talking? Should I call these women every day to build comfort and "keep them sold" on our date?
Re: Cancelled Dates
Hey Kevin,
Very glad to hear the site's been helpful -- you're quite welcome.
On pre-empting the cancellations you're getting: depends how far in advance you're planning these dates. If you're planning them more than a few days ahead of time, it's common for women to get cold feet, get buried under work, or even start thinking that, if they haven't heard from you, you might cancel -- so they cancel first to save themselves from losing face. If they're cancelling on dates you made the day of, that's rather anomalous and suggests something gave them reason to reconsider really fast (if, say, they felt pushed into the date rather than elected to go on it themselves -- might be a reason).
Best thing you can do is set up a date a few days ahead of time, and make sure it's according to her schedule and relatively clear and easy for her to come out on. I've found a great deal of success asking women when they're free, picking a time that fits within that window, and setting things up then.
Also, bear in mind that sometimes things'll get streaky -- you'll get a number of great dates in a row, then some girls who all happen to cancel at the same time, then back to normal periods where most come out and a few cancel here and there, etc. If it doesn't even out and starts looking like a consistent pattern though, you'll need to focus on either:
Once those two are handled, you'll have a lot fewer cancellations on your hands.
Best,
Chase
So what if the opposite happens?
I've noticed that the opposite happens. I guess it depends if you play your cards right. Some of my friends have girlfriends now and they took their time and let the attraction between the two of them gradually grow. That's why sometimes when you say move fast, I always think of the people that move slow but yet always seem to win. Even over the guys that move fast.
That's why I said in a post to you in a different article that the turtle seems to win the race.
Maybe we're thinking of different contexts and that might be why I'm not seeing eye to eye with what you're talking about.
My older brother is actually a pretty good example. He's been with his girl for 3 years now and he told me how she gave him a run for his money. Basically she wasn't an easy catch as the other girls were and that got my brother's attention real fast. In my opinion, he was a bit of a casanova in college and had ladies at will lol. It took time for things to be closed out but after some time my brother closed things out and now they're enjoying a beautiful relationship. I guess it depends how much the girl likes you and what type of attention you're giving her. I guess that's what makes the expiration date extend.
So my question to you is, do you think there are things that my brother and my friends are doing to extend that expiration date which it makes seem that the turtle/ going slow always wins the race?
A lot of girls say things are moving too fast or that they're not ready but then renigg on that statement when another guy comes around and sweeps her off her feet. What's your opinion?
Re: So what if the opposite happens?
Howdy Eddie-
Sure, there are indeed exceptions to every rule. I've had girls it's taken me months of actively trying to get together with. I think I'm past that point in my life now personally... there might be a few girls out there who I couldn't get fast who maybe I could eventually if I slow-gamed it, but I don't wait around for those girls these days. It happens fast for me, or not at all.
Thing is, who those girls are changes as you do. A girl might firmly make one guy wait three or four months to become lovers, because she either sees him as her ideal boyfriend material and doesn't want to risk losing him, or he doesn't push her particular buttons very hard and she can take it or leave it. That same girl might hop into the sack with another guy the day they meet because he's her ideal lover type (or knows how to position himself as much).
Again, not universal. There are very inexperienced girls who refuse to move fast (there are also very inexperienced girls who will move fast, they just haven't met the right guy yet... until they meet you). Most experienced girls will move fast given the right guy, unless he's too valuable to them as a boyfriend or friend or he doesn't push the right buttons.
Anyway, would have to know what you mean by "winning the race" here -- getting a girl in bed? Getting a relationship? Getting married? Having children? -- before being able to determine who "wins" more often -- the slow guy or the fast guy. In my estimation, the one thing the slow guys do better at is getting wives -- but they often only get their shot after the faster guys finished with those girls and moved on. It may also be you're living in a part of the world or operating in a specific social circle where different rules apply for cultural reasons -- culture can shape human behavior quite sharply. Even today in India, for instance, the average woman only takes 1.6 lovers her entire life -- a stark contrast to the average of 12 lovers for American women.
Chase
Re:Re: So what if the opposite happens?
Basically winning the race = pulling a girl. You've successfully made the girl yours and now it's up to you how far it goes I guess. My brother pulled eventually and they ended up dating. Winning the race specifically applies to getting a girl to be in a relationship with you.
Re: "Winning the race"
Hey Eddie,
I'd guess, based on previous comments, you're including non-sexual relationships in your "relationship" category?
If not, and you do mean exclusively sexual relationships when you say "relationship" (which is also how I define the term -- "relationship" if the two partners are sexual, "friendship" if they aren't), then I'd respectfully disagree and weigh in that from what I've seen with hundreds of men and in my own experience, the men who move slowly toward physical intimacy very rarely end up with women.
If you are referring to non-sexual relationships as well when you say "relationship," then yes, I agree, to a point. Sex scares off the women who aren't interested in you sexually / romantically; which is why moving fast serves as a tremendously useful filtering mechanism when you're aiming for romantic and sexual relationships... but if your intent is platonic relationships, then you'll lose a lot of girls by pushing for intimacy. That said, even for getting non-sexual relationships / friendships, moving quick toward being friends trumps moving slowly toward friendship for actually getting a woman in your life as a friend ;)
Chase
So chase I have a question
So chase I have a question for you...
Any ideas in the relms of women with women?
As I'm a lesbian... & I find it even more confusing, who's the one to take control with two women?
Now there's a question I bet will baffle you ha! X
Re: Lesbians -- who takes the reigns?
Hey Sarah-
Yeah, interesting question. Lesbian relationships are quite similar to heterosexual relationships in that there's generally one femme and one butch -- the lesbian equivalents to one woman and one man.
It's usually going to be quickly apparent which of you is which, but sometimes two femmes may end up together, or two butches. Usually those relationships don't work out -- two femmes long for a butch to take the lead, and two butches butt heads too much for things to keep on.
Basically, if you're the type who likes to call the shots, look for a femme who'll be caring and nurturing and submissive to you. If you prefer to be the caring one, look for a butch to take the lead.
Hope this helps!
Cheers,
Chase
College
I have a question..
There is a girl from my hometown who I hit it off with about two weeks before the summer ended. We ended up making out at a party two nights before she left for college. I go to college about six hours away from her so I can't make trips to visit her. I talked about it with her and she said she wants to hangout over breaks and stuff. My question is how much should I try to talk to her until then? I don't want to talk to her to little and have her find some guy at college.
Re: Girls who's away at college
Hi Anon,
I wish there was a good answer for this... but honestly, I don't know that there is.
My advice for long distance now is the same as it's been since before I knew anything about pick up and I was just observing how the long distance relationships of those around me in college kept unfolding again and again: you need to be sleeping with a girl at a minimum of once every 3 weeks to keep her yours with long distance. Even then, that's usually not enough, and things break down over the long term, but that's the bare minimum for maintaining things until the two of you can really be together.
The hard answer is... talking won't be enough. It never is. I've seen it over and over with guys, and it's happened to me too -- trying to keep talking a girl to somehow keep her interested long enough for you to see her again and then make some magic happen over a short break from school, before the two of you are apart again. You've got to go and see her and have the two of you be lovers, or she's got to come and see you -- it breaks down without intimacy.
Chase
Not An Ordinary Long Distance Romance Complication Thing..
Hey Chase,
Great blog! So glad I found this website, and so far all the stuff I've read had been very enlightening and I will visit regularly to read everything in here.. Big kudos! Awesome!! And thanks in advance..
Ok, here's my scenario..I met this super hot girl at a social network, a 9, knows how to be a 10(even 11)..like HOT to a perfection! GREAT body..just super sexy-all-the-guys-worship-her kind of bangin babe.
To give you a small profile on her personality. She turned 28 this year. She grew up conservative, religious family, very reserved. I even think she's still a virgin.. BUT, she does go out and parties with her girlfriends, get guys kiss up on her, etc..
Anyhow, in this social network, I woo'd her for a good 3 months, through commenting each other's pages, private messaging each other up until I got her phone number, email, skype- I was push and pulling with her, building up tension, you know..very much installed inside of her that I'm the only man in the world who can please her, I am it, her soul mate, bla bla bla. I had this girl so attracted to me that she's even preparing, spending a lot of money and time studying to come to the states, take some board exam, pass it, get a job, so we can be together.
Now here's the problem. Her birthday came by and I sent her stuff. Big mistake(I think). And I mean, I sent her A LOT OF STUFF. Flowers, stuffed animals, even a "cheesy ring"(not really cheesy, but rather a playful one) that perfectly fits her ring finger. It was exactly what she wanted. Based on her reactions and her friends' reactions towards me(yes, I've made friends with her gf's too), I can tell she loved everything especially the ring. Now, this is where I am puzzled. I think she wanted me to call her the night of her bday party but I failed to do so(though I did call on the eve of her birthday). I said it's a problem because ever since her birthday, she stopped interacting directly with me(no phone, email, text, or skype). She kept talking to me for a while via comments and private messages, but very minimal. Instead of her interacting with me so much, it's one of her gf's who does. I asked my sister why so, she said most likely to do all the "stalking and spying."
So basically I haven't had a conversation with her! To be specific, since her birthday, make that about 4 months now!! ..no comments or pm's from her. Still just interactions with the one gf of hers who talks to me.
I tried calling maybe 2x and texted her no more than 3x these last 4 months..but nothing, still just her friend talking to me. In one of the 2x that I tried calling, she picked up but wouldn't talk..I hung up and called again, she picked up again but yelled "I have a class in the morning, Joe!" where she sounded either crying or mad or loving to hear from me but denying(I can't tell which), but didn't hang up the phone, just waited until I hung up. And THAT was the last time I ever heard her voice.
Ever since, it's been all her friend who interacts with me. Good thing is I am always given lots of positive feedback, hinting to me what she does everyday, how much she cares, posting a lot of pictures of her wearing "the ring," etc... But that's all I get. I did comment on one of her photos the other day, though she didn't respond to me, instead she commented back responding to her friend who commented after me..
So, my question, why is this girl ignoring me??? And what can I do to break that "game" of hers of ignoring me??
long distance
Hey Chase,
I first want to say that your blog is really insightful, I literally poured through pages of information in one siting. Dude where have you been all my life is the thought that comes to mind; now on to my question.
I have a question about long distance relationships knowing of course that your not to fond of them. I recently started talking to a girl(who ill call Jane, not her real name*) who is friend of one of my woman friends(who ill call Kim*). We initially meet at a party and after the party Jane expressed an interest in me through my friend Kim. So Kim gave me Jane's number and we've been communicating through text's and phone calls ever since. Its been about a month now and we've recently made plans to meet up. Here's the dilemma:
1st Jane lives about 10 hrs away from me and after reading these blogs i wonder if this is something i should even purse, even though it is understood that we are booth currently searching for serious relationships.I'm tired of investing myself in women who are not serious and at this point am willing to be involved in a long distance relationship if that's what it takes.
2nd How can i handle the issue of "moving faster" in a situation like this, as i consider myself to be a good conversationalist and we have talked about almost everything and i feel the attraction maybe starting to fleet as its hard because of the distance between us to establish some form of contact. We talk on the phone a minimum of about 1hr each day, i know this can not continue forever i'm running out of topics.
3rd Chase i would like to read more subject material on actually getting the girl to be my girlfriend, i have no desire anymore for frivolous sexually relationships though fun they are. I want the real mccoy and wanted to read more tips on that.
Thanks in advance, and please keep up all the good advice guys are in need of it as much as women are.
Advice
Okay, I met this freshman girl (I'm a sophomore.) I really liked her. We had a spark. I invited her to a party. She said she'd text me and let me know if she could make it (which was weird, but she's cute so I didn't object.) The night of the party comes-- no call. I was disappointed, but hey, shit happens.
She texts at 1am that night saying that she was sorry for not coming and that she didn't know where it was. I wasn't sure, but it seemed like she was saying it was my fault. She said she'd call me? So, of course I was a little through with her at that point. I don't like games.
I made the mistake of responding to the apology with obvious displeasure and then saying that maybe we could do something the next week. I didn't call her at all and as a result, I didn't speak to her for a month.
Here is where the question comes in: I really like this girl so I thought I'd give her a second shot. Her first response was something along the lines of "We never hung out?" which I ignored.
I was able to get her out on two dates since reconnecting with her, but they've been pretty... boring? And if I'm bored, chances are, she is too. I've taken her for lunch and for dinner. We're able to talk but there have been several small awkward pauses. It hasn't been exciting conversation, is what I'm trying to say. Small talk. I'm not usually bad at talking. Should I just give up on this girl or should I try to push things into sexual excitement? If the latter, how so?
I like a lot of the stuff you post and your advice would be golden. Thanks.
Need help
Hi Chase,
First of all, thanks for your website. It helps me a lot in finding out my problems with women.
Here is my situation. I met a girl through a mutual friend at a BBQ party 3 months ago. I get her out on 6-7 dates and we were close. My friend reminded me that she came from an extermely conservative background and her past relationship problem and advised me to go slow on her (she actually complained to my friend that all the guys that talked to her just want to go after her). So, all I was able to accomplished is to hold her hand, get a hug here and there, some minor cuddling and that's all. These may seem minimal physical contact, but from what my friend told me, she had to be interested in me for her to let me hold her hand.
On our 3rd date, she told me that she will be going on vacation in Asia and her home country for 1.5 months. I didn't want her to think too much before her vacation so I didn't tell her I like her (but I am sure she definitely feel and know it already). Everything looks ok up to our last date and she still sent me playful facebook messages while she was in Asia. My intention was to pick things up again at a faster pace once she come back from her trip.
However, things are totaly different after she come back from her long vacation. We texted for a bit but her responses are short and disinterest. Therefore, I stopped texting her for couple days. After the freeze out, she responded a little better. However, whenever I send her a msg asking her to meet up, she would not respond to that message (she told me right from begining that she doesn't like to talk on phone so all our communication are either fb chat, msn or text msgs). It is almost 2 weeks since she was back and I can't even setup a date. We used to see at least once a week, sometimes twice a week.
I don't know much about what happened in her trip or what makes her acted differently. Actually, I don't really care. I just want to get her out again so that we can have some fun and see if we can rekindle our attraction (Our dates are always full of fun, she told me that everytime we went out). What would you suggest me to do? Did I waited too long to act? Should I freeze her out again? If I waited too long before, is there anything I can do to help?
I am a newbie to the dating game/world. I married my 1st girlfriend for eight years and I just divorced for a year. I know I probably did a lot of stuff wrong with this girl but unfortunately I didn't know how to act correctly in the begining. I want a LTR and I really liked her personality. She is charming independent as well as good looking. I am seeing other girls but she is the only one that I really really like. I don't want to give up until the end.
Thanks for reading my long problem. I am sure your advice can help me.
t903
getting a girl to bed
Hi Chase. I have one for me important question and need your advice. In some earlier comments you sad "Thing is, who those girls are changes as you do. A girl might firmly make one guy wait three or four months to become lovers, because she either sees him as her ideal boyfriend material and doesn't want to risk losing him, or he doesn't push her particular buttons very hard and she can take it or leave it. That same girl might hop into the sack with another guy the day they meet because he's her ideal lover type (or knows how to position himself as much)"
How do you produce that ideal lover type in her mind? Push particular buttons very hard, what exactly do you mean by that?What is that buttons, and what is very hard by your standards? I am asking this because i had more than one situations, where i met a girl, we see each other more then few times ( not dates, for example waitress in bar i am hanging out), i think she is type of girl who had hers fair share of guys, likes casual sex, but than again somehow even though i think she likes me ( we flirt and tease each other a lot) when i called her out, she refused, with excuse that we are not similar so relationship wouldnt work. Then when i suggest that we could be in something less serious, her response was that she is not "that type" of a girl.Because i think that is not true, and worst of all, that she has been with all sorts of guys ( so i can say that she doesnt have some high criterion for guys, just like sex), how the hell do you produce that " i am right lover for you" effect ?And one more question related to first one. By my opinion it is idiotic, pathetic and needy, but what do you think about situations where guys brag themselves in front of a girl? I am talking about situation where he tells her " come to my place, i am going to give you great time in bed, i am going to show you what a real man is, if you didnt show up you will miss out great sex bla, bla, bla" In my country there is saying dog who barks doesnt know how to bite.I always though that girls also think that if you are strong on your words you are lame in actions, but what frustrate me is that i think there are girls with whom i blew up,and nothing happened, and those kind of guys ( "bragers") actually get some results?
Man I had a 9 all over me then...
I went out with the new girl at work. Luckily she heard good things about me from friends and coworkers before she meet me, so once we met she was giving me shinny eyes,smiles and flirt. The second time we worked together I took her out for drinks after work, we hit it off just right. We went to a park and talked for hours about very personal stuff, when I dropped her to her car she said that I was amazing and she hugged me, I was going to kiss her cheek but or lips met for a second. So that was a a cool first time out, I really liked her and thought I wouldn't make the mistake of being pushy or try too hard (She gets TONS of attention from try hard guys at work, and I don't wanted to be that) Second time we worked together I took her dancing after work. She is a freak in the dance floor, she litetaly throwed me to the ground and cowgirl danced on my crotch, she was all over me! Every person in the club had their Jaws to the ground! We where walking among the crowd to get out, I was distracted when she was pushed towards me, her face got really close to mine and I felt her lips on mine for like a second! but I was distracted! and didn't do much of it since it was so crowded and "Not the right Moment" She said she had to work early, so my logic was this: "Ok, you can't take her home because she need to rest, she is all over you so don't worry. She will appreciate that you didn't try to pull anything on her, next time she is yours, you are the man" We walked holding hands out of the club, we where laughing so hard, we stopped by a park and we laid on a blanket to watch the stars, she was cold so I gave her my jacket, she felt asleep in my arm, and I kissed her face, while she was sleeping, she was just to endearing. She woke up and I took her home, she was still very warm. She gave me an eskimo kiss, and a little peck and we called it a night. I was so happy! I mean its only the second time out on an unofficial date with this gal and we are right on it! But...The next day I saw her at work she was cold as ice man!!!!! she gave me a half assed hugs, ignored me, wouldn't look at me, but then at times she would kinda come back and be friendly and playful with me. But when I touched her arm I felt how she pulled away from me, also she asked me what was I waiting for to go home since it was way past my time off. Fuck. I went home and texted her something she told me her grandpa told her at a Mexican Flea market and I thought was meaning full "Toda esta chingadera tiene mucho corazon" (All this shit had a lot of heart) she replied with and laugh asking me what was I doing, she was at at bar with her girls. I told her I had a great time with her the night before, she said so she did and thank you. I said any time...She hasn't reply back. What did I do wrong? Can I turn this around and how? Thanks man, I really appreciate you site, its one of the best I've seen. Looking forward to your advice.
Hi Chase, I just found your
Hi Chase, I just found your website today and it's been an eye-opener. I've always had girls being attracted to me and the reason was quite obvious; being one of the brightest students wherever I am and also good-looking. But i've been really plagued by the ''nice guy syndrome''. I talk to them, both have coffee, exchange calls and text messages and over time everything cools off. I never knew the reason until now. I just recently moved to a new area and met a girl in church, she had always been staring at me and smiling until we got to have a chat after a church service. It's obvious she likes me and doesn't hide it when other people, even her parents, are there. She even told me her school is beside my uni (cos i'm at uni and she's doing A levels) in a way that suggested that she wanted us to meet up. I'm thinking of inviting her over to my uni or my place when she's closed from school, but I don't want to get too committed cos I may not be here very long. At the same time, I don't want her attraction for me to cool off (I've still got over 6 months to remain here). What do you think I could do? And btw is there a way I can keep a girl without having sex with them?
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