Ever find yourself wondering how to touch a girl in a smooth, natural, normal way?
Ever find yourself wondering how to get girls to touch you?
In the article on cognitive dissonance, a reader asks the following:
“Now in my head during this conversation one of the single girls moved her leg under the table to rest against my leg and turned to say "I'm sorry" but before she could I raised my eyebrows in a flirty way of saying "Sure, put your leg on mine." Which I found quite ironic but then it got me thinking...
How can a guy not come across as "over touchy/trying to force/awkward" and more on the side of getting her thinking positive thoughts?”
Like this commenter points out, the problem you run into with things you're inexperienced in is, they often feel forced.
And when touch feels forced... it feels really awkward.
And awkward is not really all that attractive.
So, in this article, we're going to have a look at seven (7) ways to touch a girl that she'll respond to and enjoy, and three (3) ways you can easily get her to take the initiative and touch you first.
First off, before we get into talking about touch... does touch even matter?
As a matter of fact, it does. As Ricardus talked about in his article on how to touch women, the simple act of your body coming in contact with hers causes the release of the hormone oxytocin into her blood, a trust and bonding chemical.
But that's not all:
“The effect of touch on compliance to a request has traditionally been tested with small solicitation (answer to a small questionnaire, give a dime to a confederate ….). In our experiment a larger request was evaluated. Passersby, 53 men and 67 women, were asked by two confederates to look after a large and very excited dog for 10 minutes because each wanted to go into a pharmacy where animals were prohibited. In half of the cases, subjects were touched during the request. Analysis showed that, when touched, 55% of the subjects agreed with the request whereas 35% only in the no-touch control condition agreed. This finding indicates that touch was positively associated with the subjects’ compliance (p<.03).”
That's from the research paper "An evaluation of touch on a large request: A field setting," published by Nicolas Guéguen and Jacques Fischer-Lokou in the journal Psychological Reports in 2002.
The finding in layman's terms equaled a 57% increase in the chances of someone agreeing to a request when that request was accompanied by touch, even when the request was coming from complete strangers.
And from "Courtship compliance: The effect of touch on women's behavior," again by Nicolas Guéguen, this time published in 2007 in Social Influence:
“Previous research has shown that light tactile contact increases compliance to a wide variety of requests. However, the effect of touch on compliance to a courtship request has never been studied. In this paper, three experiments were conducted in a courtship context. In the first experiment, a young male confederate in a nightclub asked young women to dance with him during the period when slow songs were played. When formulating his request, the confederate touched (or not) the young woman on her forearm for 1 or 2 seconds. In the second experiment, a 20-year-old confederate approached a young woman in the street and asked her for her phone number. The request was again accompanied by a light touch (or not) on the young woman's forearm. In both experiments, it was found that touch increased compliance to the man's request. A replication of the second experiment accompanied with a survey administered to the female showed that high score of dominance was associated with tactile contact. The link between touch and the dominant position of the male was used to explain these results theoretically.”
Here, the findings were that men got more "yes"es asking women to dance and trying to get a girl's phone number when these efforts were accompanied by touch.
The reason why, Guéguen found, was that the women touched by the men regarded these men as more attractive. And, as we discussed in "How Much Do Looks Matter for Romantic Success?," perceived physical dominance (i.e., touching) is a major attraction trigger.
If you want to look like an attractive dominant man, just touch a girl.
What Do Beginners Need to Know About Touch?
Here are the ground rules of touch that all beginners need to make sure they know (and stick to):
Her upper arm, elbow, and the small of her back are best. At least when you're just getting started. Touching these areas is the easiest to do, won't come across too sexual by accident at the wrong times, and will allow you to learn touching easily. Touch her elbow or upper arm while making point; place your hand on her lower back while showing her something with your other hand, or if she's moves herself very close to you in a side-by-side position.
Don't touch her face (too soon). People can be very sensitive about being touched on the face, unless they're very comfortable with you. A good way of thinking about it is this: she's probably more comfortable with you touching her breasts or butt than she is with you touching her face. Don't do this unless she's extremely at ease with you.
Touch soon into talking to her. Take her hand when you first meet her (don't shake it, like you would a man... just take it, and hold her hand for a moment in yours, almost as if you were about to bend down and kiss it... but probably don't actually kiss it). Touch her intermittently as you talk. The longer you go into talking to a girl without touching her, the weirder it gets - get it out of the way ASAP, and make it a common, normal part of your interaction.
Touching on a high point is easy and good. She's laughing? Laugh too - and touch her. Touching on high points - she's laughing, she's agreeing with you, she's smiling a big smile - anchors her positive emotions to your touch - making her come to subconsciously associate touching you with feeling good (and for obvious reasons, refrain from touching her when she's angry and/or upset). A high point touch can be cupping her elbow in your hand as she laughs, or it can be putting your hand on hers for emphasis at just the right moment - like George Clooney's character does with Jennifer Lopez's in this clip:
Don't look at your hand. One of the (rather funny) things men inexperienced with touching girls tend to do is look at their hands while touching a girl. If you want an easy way to creep a girl out, just look at your hand as you touch her. Staring at your hand touching her is a surefire way to make things feel very forced and unnatural - the good news being, of course, that all you have to do if you're doing this to make it feel a whole lot MORE natural when you touch a girl is don't look at your hand.
Be close to her when you touch. The other thing that can make touch awkward - aside from making eye contact with your hand instead of with her - is if touch comes from too far away. Imagine reach across a table to touch a girl on a high point... feels pretty weird, right? Feels even more weird to her. Get close - then touch. And when you're talking to a girl you like, you should be close anyway - there's no reason for standing far away like a pair of strangers when you'd like to be something more than that. Get inside her personal space if you want a personal relationship.
The more (natural-feeling) touch, the better. Touch communicates physical dominance and triggers sexual tension between you and a girl quicker and more easily than almost anything else you can do as a beginner. When you're still inexperienced at creating a sexual vibe, touch is the easy shortcut to making her excited and preventing her from thinking about you as "just a friend."
... just don't go overboard. As mentioned in "Mastering Sexual Touch," it's important you stay away from venturing into touching women too sexually or intimately until you're alone with them. Touch a girl intimately too early, and she's liable to crest emotionally too early - then crash (and lose interest in you). Instead, keep her in suspense until you're ready to pull the trigger.
Don't make touch a big deal, and it won't be.
Just touch her arm, elbow, or lower back, don't look at your hand (look into her eyes and continue conversation as normal), and make sure you're close when you touch.
Touching Girls and Excitement Levels
Usually, the more you touch a girl, the more excited she's going to get... up to a point.
It's important that you're aware of escalation windows and attraction's expiration date. Attraction will peak as you touch her more and more, but if she starts really wanting something to happen - some progress, for you to kiss her, for you to make love to her - and this doesn't happen, she'll start going cold, into auto-rejection, and lose interest in you.
An easy way to think about touching girls is like this:
Touch is an attraction amplifier and a progress accelerator - it makes her more attracted to you, faster, but also puts more pressure on you to keep things moving fast so she doesn't get frustrated and lose interest.
Anytime you make someone want something - and if you're doing an even somewhat good job with touch, you will make women want you - you've got to be wary of making them want something so bad that, when nothing happens for too long, they end up thinking you're just a tease and are going to leave them hanging, and they get upset and storm off.
This is one of the weirdest things you will experience when you're new to touching girls - women losing patience with you and leaving in disgust.
It isn't because they didn't like you.
It's because they liked you a LOT... but you didn't back up all that touch with action (moving things forward).
The solution to this, of course, is when you start seeing it happen - move faster.
Now that you have a foundational understanding on how to touch a girl, let's get you doing some advanced stuff.
In this section, we'll discuss:
- The 4 Different Kinds of Touch
- The 7 Ways to Touch a Girl
- The 3 Ways to Have Her Touch You
Let's dive in.
The 4 Different Kinds of Touch
In "4 Ways for Touching Women" we took a cursory perusal of the different kinds of touch. These are:
- Incidental Touch
- Protective Touch
- Romantic Touch
- Sexual Touch
Each touch is expressed in different ways, and is best used in different situations. Here's how they break down:
Incidental Touch: incidental is your bread-and-butter touching. This is the touching you'll be doing with women incidentally, throughout your interactions with them. It's the touch you do on high points, and the touch you do while demonstrating things, and the touch you do almost by accident as a product of sheer proximity. Incidental is used to get her acclimated to your touch. Forms of incidental touch include:
- Touching her upper arm while making a point
- Cupping her elbow briefly while talking to her
- Touching her stomach with your finger while talking
- Resting your leg against hers as you sit very near one another
- Lifting her wrist up to inspect the bracelet she has on
Protective Touch: protective you'll use when leading or guiding a woman, though crowds, traffic, or in other chaotic or risky situations. This style of touch helps women to feel "safer" and more protected around you, and allows them to relax around you - and trust in your guidance and leadership more. Some examples of this are:
- Placing your hand on her back while guiding her
- Holding her hand while taking her through a crowd
- Putting your arm out in front of her to stop her stepping
into the street
- Putting your arm around her shoulders while walking outside
- Placing your coat or scarf around her to keep her warm
- Placing your hand on her back while guiding her
Romantic Touch: this is the kind of touch you'll be doing once she's very comfortable with you and is completely open to you touching her - normally, once a fair bit of incidental and protective touch has already been established as your pattern of interaction with her. When you touch a girl romantically, you bring her emotions for you to an even higher peak, and get her even more ready for things to progress. Romantic touch includes such things as:
- Holding her hand or hands
- Stroking her head or hair
- Lightly putting your fingertip on her nose
- Running your hand over her cheek or chin
- Kissing her (kissing is romantic
- Holding her hand or hands
Sexual Touch: as mentioned earlier, you won't want to start engaging in sexual touch until you're somewhere alone together - otherwise, it's like cooking dinner two hours too early - by the time it's finally time to get down to business, everything's gone cold. Sexual touch are all the sexually exciting forms of touch that prepare a woman for intercourse, including:
- Touching her inner thighs
- Placing your hand on her butt
- Rubbing her breasts and genitals
- Kissing her neck or other parts of her body besides the mouth
- Biting or nibbling on any part of her
- Touching her inner thighs
The general guidelines for using these are:
- Incidental: use early, and use often
- Protective: use when it makes sense
- Romantic: use 5 minutes before you're going to invite her home
- Sexual: use when alone in private, immediately before getting
Of these, incidental touch is the most important by far, but all four types of touching are important steps along the progression from stranger to lover.
7 Ways to Touch a Girl
So now you've got all this down.
You know it's important to start with incidental touch first, and that the more of it, the merrier. You know you need to get touching as soon as possible, to avoid there being a whole lot of awkwardness - or you ending up labeled a creepy guy or a nice guy and banished to the friend zone.
And you know you don't want to get too heavy, too fast with the touching - sexual touch outside of your place or hers is an absolute no-no if you want to get any further with her than just sexual touch.
What's the easy way of going about touching girls?
Here, find assembled a list of seven (7) ways you can touch a girl when you meet her and on a date to start hurtling things forward with her.
The Introduction. You should always touch a girl when first meeting her - that means, take her hand and hold it for a moment while you introduce yourself, or, if you're feeling especially bold, use the cheek-kiss hand-hold introduction. The important part is that you get close enough to her on opening that you are inside her personal space, and that you break the tension gap so there isn't any unnecessary awkwardness between the two of you.
The Compliance Ask. Getting investment from women is good; getting investment from women while also touching them is even better. Does she have an interesting ring, bracelet, or other accessory on you can ask her to show you? Do so, and take her arm or hand as you do. Necklaces and earrings can also be examined, though calibrate to the girl - some women are fine with you touching their ears and chests, while others are not. Rings / bracelets / watches are the safest bet for this. Not sure how to ask? See "Command Women (and Have Them Listen)."
The Question Tap. When you want to ask her a question - especially if she's been momentarily distracted by something - one very good way of doing this is lightly tapping her. For this, a tap on the forearm or a light poke in the stomach serves best - the shoulder tap / upper arm tap to get someone's attention are a bit too cliché. If you're feeling playful, you can also try tapping her head - but if she's not the playful type, be warned this can backfire. Tapping her forearm or (gently) poking her stomach are always safe bets for this.
The High Point. On a high point - when she's laughing, when the two of you are vibing and connecting really well, when there's electricity in the air - take advantage of the opportunity and touch her. The stronger the positive emotions, the more you ought to be touching her - anything from cupping her elbow with the palm of your hand, to putting your arm around her and pulling her in, to putting your hand on the small of her back, to even throwing her onto your lap. Judge it based on the intensity of the positive emotion - but when she's feeling good with you, touch. This does wonders for advancing your connection.
The Lead. When it's time to move a girl, you usually want to make sure you're leading her, and the way you do that is with protective touch - guiding her with your hand on her back or your arm around her shoulders, leading her by holding her hand as you walk through a crowd, and keeping an eye out and stopping her from walking into traffic - whether foot traffic, or automobile. This establishes the bond between you, as two people sticking together during transition points, and reassures her that you're looking out for her and aren't only thinking about yourself.
The Build Up. As she gets more and more comfortable with you and things become increasingly more electric, it's time for some romantic touch. That means things like holding and touching her hands, stroking her hair, and touching her nose, cheeks, or chin, or resting her head on your shoulder if you're sitting next to each other quietly. These make your intentions loud and clear - the two of you are bonding and touching in a way that friends never would.
The Escalation. Once you've got her all alone, it's now time to move things toward physical intimacy. You do this via the process of physical escalation - gradually (or sometimes not so gradually) dialing up the intensity and sexuality of the touch that you're doing with her, right up until you get her in bed.
You can use these 7 ways for touching girls very consistently throughout pretty much every interaction you have with a girl you like, and if you progress in this order, you'll find it's a very smooth transition from strangers to lovers.
Just keep building up the touch... a little bit more... a little bit more... a little bit more...
But how about her? Is
there a way to get her to
3 Ways to Get Girls to Touch You
In addition to you taking the initiative and touching them, there are also a trio of ways you can get women to touch you, too.
Here they are:
Telling her to. This one's easy... you simply tell a girl to touch you, and she does. But does that count? I mean, you told her... Well, the way the subconscious mind works is a beautiful thing - and even though you told her to touch you, she still touched you of her own accord, and her subconscious mind registers this exactly the same as it would if she touched you and you hadn't said a word. Some examples of how you'd do this:
- Extending your arm and telling or gesturing her to take it
- Holding out your hand to her for her to take (as you walk)
- Telling her "Feel this" about something on you (a scar, a
- Physically putting her legs over yours, or her hand on your
- Pointing to your cheek and having her kiss you there
- Extending your arm and telling or gesturing her to take it (to walk)
Getting her excited and leaning in close. Not all women will take this bait - it depends on how outgoing the girl herself is, and how comfortable with you she is - but when you have a woman getting increasingly excited around you (emotionally, sexually, etc.), and you're in close proximity to her and lean in closer, she'll frequently touch you of her own accord - especially on high points.
Wear very interesting items (or have interesting features). If you're familiar with peacocking, you know you can wear items that will get you attention from girls. Often this can lead to women touching the item - e.g., I not infrequently will have women touch the Tibetan mandala pendant I described wearing in the article on fashion for men. Some women also like to touch big muscles, or interesting hairstyles, or attractive facial hair - it depends on the girl's tastes. But the more interesting your style, look, features, and accessories, the more touching you will tend to get by pure default.
The only one of these that's close to 100% consistent and fully in your control is #1, of course - but all three are good.
And when women start touching you, they start advancing the connection, conversation, and interaction with you themselves... which of course makes life for you a whole lot easier.
Wrapping Up How to Touch a Girl
So what's good about touch? Well, we know that:
- Touch causes the release of oxytocin, a bonding and trust-forming chemical
- Touch significantly increases individuals' willingness to make investment
- Women find men who touch more physically dominant, and thus attractive
If you're a beginner, you'll want to pay attention to the following tips:
- Her upper arm, elbow, and the small of her back are best
- Don't touch her face (too soon)
- Touch soon into talking to
- Touching on a high point
is easy and good
- Don't look at your hand
- Be close to her when you
- The more (natural-feeling) touch, the better
- ... just don't go overboard
And you'll want to pay attention to excitement levels; it's easy to get girls excited with lots of touch, but if you get them too excited, too soon, you can risk having that excitement "pop" before you've had a chance to advance things to the two of you become lovers, and at that point her attraction quickly declines and she goes cold.
So don't overdo it before you're ready to do it.
There are four kinds of touch:
... with incidental being the most common and vital for establishing you as a non-platonic person in her life, protective for allowing her to let her guard down around you, romantic for priming her for getting alone with you, and sexual for priming her going to bed with you as lovers.
The 7 ways to touch a girl in just about every interaction you'll have are:
- The Introduction
- The Compliance Ask
- The Question Tap
- The High Point
- The Lead
- The Build Up
- The Escalation
... and if you follow them closely, you'll have a pretty easy progression from strangers to something much more.
Lastly, for getting a girl to touch you, you have three weapons in your arsenal:
- Telling her to
- Getting her excited and leaning in close
- Wear very interesting items (or have interesting features)
After reading this, you should be sufficiently well-armed to go out and touch someone.
Not to mention have her touch you back.
Now, there's only one thing left to do - go put it all into practice.