I'm a reasonably well-traveled fellow. I've lived on two continents and ventured around on four, with time spent in between on islands in the Pacific and the Atlantic. When you travel a lot, one of the first quandaries you come across is this: how do you get foreign girls who don't speak English?
Well, if you listen to most of your fellow travelers, you learn the local language. If you're in Russia, you learn Russian. Brazil, Portuguese. Columbia, Spanish. Japan, Japanese. After all, you can't very well talk to girls if you neither of you speaks the other's language... right?
And if you can't talk to them, you certainly can't get anywhere with them... isn't that also right?
I'm here to tell you it isn't. It isn't right at all.
And in fact, what you'll generally find is, the most successful guys typically don't speak the girl's language, period. The guys who know the language struggle with moderate success, while men who can't even say "hello" are taking foreign girls to bed by the bushel.
How's it work, and what's going on? That's the subject of today's post. So step right up and listen while I tell you a few tales -- some of my own, and some the tales of a handful of the men I've met along the way...
Why Words Matter Little
Back when I first discovered that there were these men out there who studied and systematically approached the art of meeting and succeeding with women, as I'd been endeavoring to do over the course of the year prior to this discovery, I fastbought a few books and read them in quick succession.
One of those books was The System by a guy named Roy Valentine. It was popular on Amazon.com, but rather different from seduction community stuff. At a time when everyone was advocating memorizing and repeating lines and routines to get girls' attention, Valentine talked about using careful targeting to recognize which women were most interested in you, and looking for the same thing you were -- and then leading those who fit the bill decisively toward intimacy.
To me, this was much simpler, and a lot more refreshing, than a lot of the other convoluted things I read. Straight to the point -- good.
It was a big influence on my thought earlier on; bigger than the other books I read at the time. The idea spread through my mind, and rather than going out with the mentality that it seemed all the other guys around me had -- "I can make any girl want me, if I use the right lines / do the right things" -- I took a different tack:
"I will find the girls who like me as much as I like them... and then make it happen."
I have done, can do, and still sometimes on occasion pull out the old burn-the-club-down approach to meeting girls: just go out and meet tons of them until things finally go somewhere. But these days, just from doing it enough that I'm adept now at reading women's signals, I'm able to largely sit back and wait for a girl I like who likes me too, and just get her.
What I've learned with time by getting good at reading signals is it's next to impossible to talk a girl into liking you. Attraction doesn't work that way. However, by improving your fundamentals, you can vastly increase the odds that any individual woman responds well to you... and you go from there.
But game isn't about convincing women to like you. Game is about taking women's existing initial interest or attraction in you, and steering it, amplifying it, and using it to make something happen.
How's all this tie into foreign girls and speaking a foreign language? Let me explain:
All the guys who are trying to master a foreign language in order to get girls are coming from that "I can make any girl want me with the right lines" reasoning.
Attraction doesn't come from what you say, though. It comes from who you are and how you present yourself.
If you want women to respond better to you, you work on your fundamentals: body language, posture, hairstyle, fashion. You get in better shape. You improve your voice. You get confident with women through experience and learn to lead and act decisively.
The words you use have next to nothing to do with it.
Professor Emeritus of Psychology, UCLA Albert Mehrabian put forward something he calls the 7%-38%-55% rule; you may have heard of it. Mehrabian's rule states that body language (including posture, facial features, and eye contact) accounts for 55% of how well we like someone we're interacting with face-to-face, while tone of voice accounts for 38%. Actual words mop up the leftovers with an astonishingly small 7%.
Words only account for 7% of how much any girl you meet likes you. Your voice tone and your nonverbals account for the other 93%.
93% is a BIG number. And still, most guys focus in on their words, instead of their voice and their nonverbals. Argh.
Taking this into consideration... can you start to imagine where the guys who place all their emphasis on learning the local language may end up going far astray in their efforts to do well with foreign women?
Tales from the Field
My first time meeting up with an expat seducer living outside his home country, he warned me about the local girls. I was relatively inexperienced with foreign girls at the time, so any advice was welcome.
"They're very conservative," he told me. "Without knowing the language here, you probably won't get very far. Also, they don't like being touched by strangers -- so don't touch them."
That night we went out to a bar, and I met a girl who spoke little English. I went on instinct against my pal's advice and touched her quite a lot as we interacted. The conversation wasn't going anywhere, but I could tell she was very attracted. I drifted off with my pal, and a while later I ran into that girl again. She asked me if we were going to leave soon -- and then basically propositioned me. She wanted to know if there was a hottub at my hotel we could relax in.
"They don't seem so conservative," I told my pal.
This trend continued as my travels continued. I'd meet local guys; they'd explain to me how conservative the local girls were, how even if you knew the local language you'd still have a really hard time getting them into bed, and I'd find the women plenty warm regardless without us even understanding each other.
In Osaka half a year ago, I had an acquaintance telling me how it used to be that Japanese girls really liked white guys, but nowadays if you didn't speak Japanese you'd struggle. An hour after he told me this, he watched as a pretty Japanese girl bought me drinks and did her best to try and communicate with me in broken English... then, like that other girl years earlier, coyly implied she'd like me to take her home.
"I can't believe that happened," the guy told me. He spoke near-fluent Japanese, but of the girls he'd gotten in his time in the country, as far as I could tell from the pictures he showed me, none were quite as cute as that one I met on my first night there.
In fact, I've had girls I've taken to bed this year who haven't understood 90% of what I've tried saying to them. I talk to them, and they say, "I'm sorry, I don't understand." Some of them people have tried to translate between us. One of them I met up with on our first date, and when we went to my apartment at the start of the date, I figured that she knew so little English there was really only one thing we could do together. So we did that instead of chit chat.
Meanwhile, my pals all over who've spent so much time studying local languages keep complaining how hard to get the local girls are, and how even if you speak the language they're tough, and must be, they figure, next-to-impossible to get if you can't speak it.
To which I can't help but saying, "Balderdash."
But I'm not an anomaly. A few months back, I was chilling with a guy in Taipei who'd been bedding women like crazy. He knew about four words of Chinese. Didn't matter.
I had another pal who traveled through Europe without ever learning any languages there, but easily slept with a number of new girls.
And in fact, the most successful guys I keep meeting usually don't bother to learn much of the language at all, and even if they do learn some of it, they don't use it at all with the local women -- they just use it for getting around, but not for seduction.
It's enough to make most regular guys scratch their skulls in consternation and yell, "What's going on?!"
How Knowing the Language Can Hurt You
My theory went like this:
- Strong men don't need to actively seek integration in other cultures
- Strong men don't need to learn a language to get a girl (or do anything else they want)
- Men are therefore likely to be perceived as "stronger" if they are a little culturally insensitive and don't know the language
In other words, the guys who are busily trying to integrate themselves into the local culture, burning the midnight oil to learn the local language, and trying to be something that, as hard as they may try, they just aren't, tend to be perceived as being weaker.
Whereas, the men who are respectful of the local culture but relatively ignorant of it, and are friendly and affable but not too sharp on the local language, will be seen as strong men who aren't running from their own culture / language / heritage and trying to get a place in the local hierarchy, but instead are just who they are.
And really, let's face it... if a woman wants a man who's fully integrated with the local culture, and speaks the local language fluently, she's going to find herself a local GUY!
Women don't go to bed with foreigners because those foreigners are neatly integrated into the local mainstream society.
Women go to bed with foreigners because they're different, stimulating, and exotic.
And the instant you start integrating... you lose that exoticness. You become more and more ordinary. You start seeming just like everyone else, and you get the same expectations placed upon you as everyone else.
In fact, I've seen this oddly in effect while traveling. Spending time with expat buddies who are "integrated" and local women, my expat pals will chide me for doing something that violates local cultural norms, and the women defend me. "It's okay, he doesn't know!" they say. The norms don't apply to me; but you better believe they do to my pals. After all, they've integrated.
This even happens here in China, where I've been, when not traveling through Asia or the US, for a year. Guys who've been here far less time than I have "integrate" right away, and even sometimes lecture me on how I should behave. These guys get treated more or less like locals by women, while I still get special "foreigner treatment."
"Foreigner treatment," I should add, also includes rapid intimacy. As a foreigner, you're both exciting and "safe" to sleep with quickly-- because you're not locally integrated, there's little chance of a woman's indiscretions with you making their way back to her social circle and hurting her reputation. Not so for the integrated guy -- he flips her "local" switches and she automatically behaves more conservative around him.
But what about if you've been in the country a long time?
Occasionally I'll have a girl say something like, "You've been here for a long time now, you should know," to which I just shrug and respond with something like, "Eh, I'm a slow learner," and all is well. Foreigner treatment retained.
I've noticed that women I'm in relationships with will push me to integrate. They do a lot of things to teach me about the culture, and try to teach me the language and otherwise push me to learn. I'm constantly telling them I plan to... and actually, I would like to know some languages other than English, and do plan to quite often, I just... never have the time, and it isn't high enough on my list of priorities that I'll sideline business-building or globe-trotting or girl-getting for language-learning.
The point is, knowing the language and adapting to local social norms can hurt you... because it subconsciously signals to women that you're integrated, and thus ought to be treated more like a local than a foreigner.
Me? I don't want to be treated like a local. Locals get higher scrutiny, longer time-to-intimacy, greater resistance to getting physical, and must fulfill expected social obligations, like meeting girls' friends and possibly even their parents. No thanks. Maybe if things go really well between us... down the road. But not before we've been to bed a bunch of times and have a solidly established relationship between the two of us (meddlesome third parties need not interfere), and certainly not before we've ever been to bed in the first place.
Gaining Perpetual Foreigner Treatment
First, a disclaimer: I grew up an outsider, so I'm used to it and even prefer it. I feel downright uncomfortable being considered firmly part of a group; I much prefer to be a lone wolf, doing my own thing, than "part of the pack." So I really don't mind being treated like a foreigner, personally.
I've noticed that lots of guys traveling to foreign countries desperately long for acceptance. In all honesty... I don't get this at all. If a man wants to blend in, what on Earth is he doing in a foreign country? There's a far better place for him to blend in at that he'll have a much easier time of doing so in: it's his home country.
Okay, I've felt a few stirrings here and there of what I assume most folks must feel a lot more strongly than I do. People staring at you on the street; people trying to con you or overcharge you because they assume you don't know the prices or money or language; people dismissing you as a foreigner or telling you you couldn't possibly understand because of some cultural difference. All these things put social pressure on people to conform. "Conform or get out," seems to be the message.
Fortunately, as lovers of beautiful women, we get pretty good pretty fast at ignoring what mainstream society has to say about how we should behave and how we ought to live our lives. Ignoring this kind of social conformity pressure is no different.
Here's the secret to being treated well as a foreigner without integrating:
- Be warm
- Be friendly
- Be genuinely interested in the local people and culture... just don't be too knowledgeable
And that's really about it. You don't have to have a lot of money or be brilliant or dashing. Most people are just happy that you're warm, affable, and respectful, even if you don't know anything about them or their culture or language. So long as you aren't rude or dismissive, you'll be fine.
What are the benefits of avoiding integration? They are:
- Sidestepping local expectations. Local guys have to court a girl for a long time before they ever sleep together, you say? Like, months maybe? Maybe longer? Maybe get all of her friends' approval first? Maybe meet family members of hers first? Maybe even propose marriage? Doesn't matter -- you're not a local guy. Non-integration saves you from having the expectations levied upon you that get levied upon locals -- and, usually, upon more integrated men, too.
- Retaining the "excitement" factor. I know when I was in the States, when I'd see a beautiful, exotic-looking girl, then go up to meet her, only to find out she spoke flawless English, all of the excitement about potentially discovering some exotic belle from a distant land dried up. This same thing happens with women when they hear you speak their language. They realize you've been there for a while, assume you know the drill, and assume you're integrated. Excitement gone; you're not some fresh, untouched arrival brimming with enthusiasm for a new land and new kind of people. You're yesterday's news. This let down's pretty easy to avoid, though... if you don't integrate.
- Getting to be a "dirty secret." If you're not local... and something happens between you and her... no one's ever going to know. So goes her reasoning -- and when it comes to what a woman's willing to do with a man, reasoning is king. Staying non-integrated helps you move a lot faster -- and pull a lot faster.
In other words... in failing to integrate, you get treated as a good short-term candidate, who's not boyfriend material.
The integrated guy who knows the culture and knows the language... he's invested a great deal in making himself suitable for long-term consideration with local girls, so he get instantly promoted to long-term candidate.
I've even asked girls about this, and they've confirmed to me what I suspected: they view the foreign guys who took the time to learn the language and culture as having learned those things and tried to integrate in order to get local girls. Foreign guys who spoke the language and integrated were viewed as actively trying to get local women.
Trying to get local women also seems to pose some the following question:
- Why is the guy working so hard to get women here? Don't his home country women want him?
The guys who don't bother to learn the language or trying to integrate are, on the other hand, viewed as men who, when they met girls, just happened to meet them, without putting in any extra work or effort. Because of that, they get perceived as stronger, more attractive, and more eligible for fast, short-term flings, and, when they decide to have a relationship, end up being more highly valued in that relationship and command a greater deal of loyalty and stronger emotions.
That's right, I'm telling you you'll do better with girls if you don't bother to learn their language or integrate into their culture. I realize this is politically incorrect. That's okay though; this entire website is. I'm not here to advise you on what's proper, considerate, or thoughtful toward foreigners; I'm just here to advise you on what works. And this is what, I've seen time and again, works.
How to Get Foreign Girls
So how do you succeed with women who don't speak English?
Two words: you lead.
Ask yourself this: if you find yourself with a cute girl, and she's smiling at you, and looking at you coyly and flirtatiously, even though you don't understand her and she doesn't understand you... what can the two of you do together?
You can't get to know her.
She can't get to know you.
You aren't going to debate the relevance to modern sociopolitical thought of the works of Friedrich Nietzsche.
She likes you, you like her, the two of you can't talk... what do a man and a woman who are attracted to each other do together other than talk?
Right. You've got it now. If she likes you and you can't communicate, you just lead, lead, LEAD confidently and decisively to intimacy.
I've slept with a fair number of women this way. Successful guys I've met while traveling abroad have slept with fair numbers of women this way. It works.
Counterintuitive? Perhaps... but only if you're thinking about physical intimacy as some long, drawn out process which women simply won't agree to without the man going through the vetting process.
I'm all about shortening or skipping the vetting process wherever and whenever possible. I'm not in the tryouts for being a woman's boyfriend... neither should you be. You can make her your girlfriend after you've gone to bed together a few times.
In the end, when it comes to getting women who don't speak English, you don't need to learn the local language and norms. In fact, I'd even go so far as to say you shouldn't learn the local language or norms -- or at least don't use it too extensively with a girl before you've slept with her, and certainly don't use it when opening her!
You just need to lead confidently and decisively toward intimacy, and you'll get more girls than the guys who've plowed months into learning how to say, "I think you're beautiful," in the local dialect. People were finding each other and getting physical together long before language evolved; you'll be surprised how effective base attraction works without words. I'm almost tempted to say it's easier to bed girls who don't understand you. There's nothing there but animal instinct, and no words to get in the way. You either make it happen or you don't.
In short, if you've been traveling and limiting yourself by laboring to "blend in," I recommend taking a little while and trying the opposite: don't blend in. Try being a foreigner for a while. You might be surprised at how well a great many women respond to it.