How to Compliment a Girl Like You've Known Her for Years


In the article on causes and cures for a moody girlfriend, a reader asks about how to compliment a girl, saying:

Hi there Chase,

Can you write an article about compliments to girls that [you] are interested in. Not just from that you approached cold but girls that you met through hobbies or friends. I tend to like to tell girls aggressive compliments of sexual nature. Like I would think they are good kissers, they have nice ass or legs, or that I love their bodies and also other compliments in which is related to personality type because there are 2 opinions about compliments.

how to compliment a girl

Compliments are a little tricky to get your head around when you first start using them. Go to far overboard, and you seem like you're chasing her; don't compliment at all, and you run the risk of that attractive new woman you've met ending up in auto-rejection.

Then, there are the various kinds of compliments... everything from the most subtle compliments she won't even realize were compliments until she thinks about them later, to those blunt-force-direct compliments our reader talks about, like telling a girl she's got a great pair of legs.

We'll cover all those and more in this article, your complete guide to complimenting women like only a pro knows how.


how to compliment a girl

Compliments are strong stuff. If you have any doubt of their efficacy on others, have a look at these bits of research:

From "When flattery gets you nowhere: Discounting positive feedback as a relationship maintenance strategy.," on the effects of ignoring compliments by those in relationships already:

Intimates can rely on a number of strategies to protect their relationships from potential threats. In the present article, the authors investigate a new strategy: to discount flattering comments received from an attractive alternative to a dating partner by making a situational attribution. However, the authors did not expect everyone to adopt this strategy, as not everyone is likely sufficiently motivated to override both the tendencies to make dispositional attributions and to accept positive feedback from others. Dating and single participants were informed that an attractive alternative's positive impression of them had been made freely or under constraint. As expected, dating participants in the constraint condition were less likely than were those in the no-constraint condition to believe that the alternative's impression of them was genuine. In contrast, single participants believed that the confederate's impression of them was genuine, irrespective of their experimental condition. Self-esteem further moderated this effect. As hypothesised, only dating participants with low self-esteem were sufficiently motivated to recognise the situational constraint and discount the positive feedback. High self-esteem daters who were less inclined to discount the positive feedback instead protected their relationships by devaluing the alternative's attractiveness compared to singles.

That is to say, complimenting’s effects were as follows:

  • Single person: "That person complimented me because I genuinely am great!"

  • Low-self esteem person in relationship: "That person complimented me because they made them compliment me."

  • High-self esteem person in relationship: "That person complimented me because I'm clearly superior to them and they're kissing up to me."

From "Self-serving interpretations of flattery: Why ingratiation works.," on the impacts of flattery:

Persons who are flattered are more likely to assign credibility to and like the flatterer than observers, presumably because they are motivated by vanity. In existing studies, however, the difference between targets and observers has been confounded with other variables. The present experiments demonstrate that the target-observer difference in judgments of an ingratiator is not affected by these confounding variables, such as cognitive resources, the motive to like one's interaction partner, or to form an accurate impression, or mood. Results further suggest that, whereas cognitive responses to ingratiation are different among participants with high versus low self-esteem, affective responses and judgments of the ingratiator are not qualified by any personality variables.

Put in layman's terms, flattery and compliments make the flattered feel:

  • Better about him or herself, and

  • More trusting of the complimenter (obviously, he's a friend and ally, and a pretty smart guy to recognize our strong suits!)

And, perhaps most startling of all, here's the research from "Insincere Flattery Actually Works: A Dual Attitudes Perspective:"

This research uses a dual attitudes perspective to offer new insights into flattery and its consequences. The authors show that even when flattery by marketing agents is accompanied by an obvious ulterior motive that leads targets to discount the proffered compliments, the initial favorable reaction (the implicit attitude) continues to coexist with the discounted evaluation (the explicit attitude). Furthermore, the implicit attitude has more influential consequences than the explicit attitude, highlighting the possible subtle impact of flattery even when a person has consciously corrected for it. The authors also clarify the underlying process by showing how and why the discrepancy between the implicit and explicit attitudes induced by flattery may be reduced. Collectively, the findings from this investigation provide implications for both flattery research and the dual attitudes literature.

In other words,

  • Someone may realize flattery is insincere, and logically discount it

  • Emotionally, however, he or she will still have a positive reaction to the flatterer

  • The emotional effect is stronger than the logical one, and the net effect is positive

How crazy is that?

So, our main takeaways on how to compliment a girl from the research are:

  1. Single women presume you're complimenting them because they're genuinely great, while girls in relationships assume it's because there's some other reason (low self-esteem) or because they're superior to you (high self-esteem),

  2. Complimenting someone makes her feel better about herself, and more open and trusting toward and think more highly of you, and

  3. Even if a compliment is obviously fake, its net effect is still positive and it's still a net gain.


Tales from the Field

I'd like to expand a bit on this research with my own anecdotal findings in complimenting women and being complimented, to give you a more fleshed-out picture of how this works.

I've been on both the giving and the receiving end of the "compliment to an attached person" phenomenon. And you really do see either:

  • A weird awkwardness out of the girl in question, or

  • A increase in "superiority" from her

... which matches the research, assuming the weird awkwardness is low self-esteem women, and the superiority is high self-esteem.

I've also been on the receiving end of compliments many times while in relationships, and my attitude is generally this:

“Oh! Poor girl. She's single and all alone... wishing she could have a man like me.”

Whereas, when I'm single, it's more like this:

“Mmm... this girl seems like a pretty sharp cookie. I think I could get along with her. Let's see if we can't move things forward...”

None of this is conscious; it's just an automatic emotional reaction, probably largely based on what your radar is attuned to in any given situation.

If you're single, you're on the look out for a girl to show interest (or, in women's case, a guy) so you can zero in and focus on making things happen with this particular person.

If you're attached and not actively looking, or only browsing around less actively, there's a lot less urgency or need to pick up, and when compliments come you can feel that the other person has a much stronger need or desire for you than you do for her.

how to compliment a girl

Incidentally, having been on both the receiving and the giving end of insincere flattery (usually by accident on that last... i.e., walking up to a girl who looks great from behind and launching into a direct opener, only to have her turn out to be not so spectacularly beautiful from the front), and while it's never as powerful as genuine, sincere flattery, it does still pack some punch and almost always elicits a smile.

Furthermore, as we've discussed on here about direct openers before (which, really, are nothing more than dressed up compliments used to begin a new conversation with a girl you'd like to meet), direct gives you some of the most polarizing opens you will see... often resulting in very, very warm receptions to you... much warmer than what you'll get with anything else.

It isn't always the case, but it is enough of the time that direct makes for a stick of attraction dynamite sitting in your tool belt at the ready for deployment on a moment's notice.


how to compliment a girl

Now, that research is all well and good, but how to do you get down to the nitty and gritty and, you know, do it? How do you compliment a girl and have it work wonders?

There are four (4) aspects to this you need to know, and they're this:

  1. Complimenting genuinely

  2. Type of compliment used

  3. When to use the compliment

  4. What to do after the compliment

We'll do a thorough review of each.


How to Compliment a Girl Genuinely

The first thing to know about compliments is that, while insincere flattery does work (as noted in that research above), compliments go a lot farther if the complimented can tell it's sincere.

What's the difference between a genuine compliment? Imagine you're wearing a new hat, and I walked up to you on the street and said each of the following, then kept walking past you, onto wherever it is I'm going:

  • "Hey man, love the hair."

  • "Hey, cool hat."

  • "That's an awesome hat... colors, patterns, everything. Really neat. Complements your style very, very well."

The first one, you might get a boost of pride, simply for being confident... but it's a little weird. Can I even see your hair underneath your hat? Yeah, not really.

The second one, you nod your head in agreement and think, "Yeah, I'm cool."

The third one, though... what goes through your head? If you're like most people, it's probably a bursting of pride and enthusiasm, and you even feel a little sorry that I keep walking and didn't stop; "That seems like a great guy to get to know," you think to yourself. A potential friend and ally.

That's the effect of a well-put together genuine compliment.

Option #3 there employs a style of complimenting known as "genuine interest," because you need to take actual, genuine interest in whatever it is about someone you're complimenting because you've got to be able to pinpoint details and tell that person why those details are great.

And that's simply very, very difficult to do insincerely.

The process for a genuine interest compliment works something like this:

  • See someone you'd like to compliment
  • Pick out something about her you want to compliment
  • Pick out some cool, interesting details about it
  • Pick out how those details reflect well upon her
  • Deliver the compliment

In addition, there are also a pair of facial expression adjustments you can use to greatly enhance genuine complimenting, as discussed in greater detail in the post "Genuine Interest Dynamite:"

  • Squint, wrinkle your nose, and get a small smile going when you deliver the strongest part of the compliment

  • Use a slow-spreading smile when you smile, rather than that quick "on-off" light switch smile most people use in uncomfortable situations

These two additions back up the sincerity of the compliment, and communicate your comfort and genuineness in delivering it.

Getting good at delivering genuine compliments typically takes practice. You're training your brain to do a number of little things in quick succession here, such as noticing the tiny details of something, tying them back in to reflect on the person in question, and then delivering the compliment in conjunction with the appropriate body language and facial expressions.

Some more examples of genuine interest compliments, just so you've got a feel for them:

  • "Your hair is gorgeous - that flip is a great look... it's one you never see anywhere except in old movies, and that's a shame. It really stands out in a very good way."

  • "I had to come tell you that your sense of style is really well put-together. There's just something about the way everything about you ties in with everything else that simply makes it *pop*."

  • "You know, I just noticed, but you have the most magnetic little smile when you laugh... it's really quite something. Your lips curl up at the edges in this really cute, charming way that's just totally unique, and there are dimples, and... wow. It's good."

There are some little details in there to mind, like:

  1. Don't use the word "you" too much, but do use it a bit

  2. Use the word "I" even less (it isn't about you; make HER feel good). Use it once, or not at all

  3. Use interesting and descriptive words that will capture her attention and interest

  4. Don't go TOO effusive with your praise ("It's AMAZING!"), but also don't understate so much that the compliment is underwhelming

The first couple of times you try to deliver a strong, genuine compliment, it's probably going to come out awkward and fall a little flat.

No worries; insincere flattery works too... just not as well.

But as you use this more and more, you'll become more and more adept at it, and get better and better and instantly recognizing people's strong suits and points of pride, and pointing them out to them.

In other words, once you've got genuine compliments down, you'll be one heck of a hit at the parties, and one heck of a hit with the ladies.

If you tackle this as a skill you'd like to learn, the best advice is to try to always compliment a girl on something unique; that is, don't keep recycling the same compliments again and again (otherwise, you're running off a script, rather than developing an ability).


The 3 Types of Compliments

There are three main ways of complimenting women you can employ. They are:

  1. Standard Compliments. By "standard," I mean things you can compliment just about anyone on, at any time, and get a good reception. Things like cleverness, sense of humor, fashion sense, walk, posture, grace of movement, etc.

  2. Sexual Compliments. Edgy compliments are those that up the feeling of intimacy and sexual tension between you and a girl, and make you into more of an edgy bad boy simply for having used them. Sexual compliments fall into this category, as do "us against the world" type compliments. You'll use these most when you're pursuing a style of direct, sexual game, and are the person in the lower value position in the interaction.

  3. "Us vs. the World" Compliments. These comments tend to rely a lot on timing, but create a great sense of togetherness and carry a heft punch. Essentially, they're compliments designed to push away the outside world and create cohesion and unity. These are very effective in indirect game, when the object is to keep girls guessing about your level of interest while continually dropping hints and upping the vibe. You can also use them at times with more direct game, when they're needed or useful.

... and now that you know the types, here's how to compliment a girl with each of these different styles.


Standard Compliments

Standard compliments are the ones you're most commonly going to use in direct openers, and they're also the ones you'll use complimenting women in a genuine interest fashion.

They're the most straightforward to use, although, as noted when we discussed genuine interest, practice makes perfect, and the more you challenge yourself to tease out interesting and noteworthy details about the women (and men, too!) you meet and compliment them on these, the better at complimenting sincerely you'll get.

Because we already covered there fairly extensive under complimenting genuinely, I won't spend time going over them again here, except to say that you can use these compliments throughout the course of an interaction, and regardless of whether you're taking a direct or an indirect approach to your conversation and "game," as (done right) they don't necessarily communicate interest, but rather simply appreciation for the complimented's strong suits.

how to compliment a girl

And of course, when someone knows you know and appreciate her strengths, she appreciates you, all the more.


Sexual Compliments

You won't use sexual compliments if you're pursuing a strategy of indirect game, and you also won't use them if a girl considers you sufficiently high in value over her.

Rather, what you use sexual compliments to accomplish is twofold:

  1. Positioning yourself firmly in the "lover, not provider" category, and

  2. Exciting a girl and readying her for physical intimacy, logically and emotionally

Sexual compliments are used for upping polarization - that is, driving some women away, while ramping up the excitement levels of others. They're a screening tool, in that way.

Generally speaking, sexual compliments coming from a man a woman perceives as higher in value than her are a turnoff, and a signal she's failed to accurately assess his value, while sexy compliments from a man a woman perceives as lower in value than her cause her to stop and gauge whether she'd be interested in a bedroom romp with him regardless.

That means, you'll tend to use these with girls who are acting like they feel themselves clearly superior to you, to scare off the ones who aren't interested, and invite the ones who are to sign up for some no-strings fun.

Sexual compliments look like this:

  • "You have the most amazing, sexy legs to look at."

  • "You're driving me crazy... I can't keep being near you like this, it's turning me on too much."

  • "Your eyes have this hypnotic, sensual feel to them that I'm feeling like I can't escape."


"Us vs. the World" Compliments

Opposite to sexual compliments, "us vs. the world" compliments communicate higher value than the woman, and are typically used to reassure her and take a "it's just you and me, babe, and screw the rest of 'em" type approach with her.

"Us vs. the world"-style compliments look like this:

  • "Who cares what these other people think? What are they doing with their lives that's so great?"

  • "We don't need their approval... they're nobody compared to us."

  • "[insert group of people] are luck they don't have US in their group... I don't think they'd be able to handle what we'd be bringing to the table."

Whether you use sexual compliments or "us vs. the world" compliments, both sets create strong feelings of intimacy, excitement, and togetherness, increase sexual tension, and make a woman a lot more likely to logically prepare herself for sex as well as emotionally, which reduces last minute resistance and makes it easier for you to sleep with girls.


When to Compliment a Girl

Just as important as knowing how to compliment a girl is knowing when to compliment her. Compliment women at the wrong time, and it'll seem awkward at forced. But compliment them at the right time, and you come across like a brilliant, astute, and very relatable man.

So when do you compliment her?

The times when you'll most want to compliment a woman are here:

  • When you first meet her (on the opener)
  • Shortly after you've opened situationally or with "Are you single?"
  • On a high point, when she's smiling and laughing
  • After she's just done something very good
  • In a moment of heightened sexual tension

... and the times when you'll least want to compliment a woman are here:

  • When she's ignoring your or being rude or dismissive
  • When she's talking with the group and not just you
  • When she's pulling away from you and auto-rejecting
  • When she seems like she's skeptical of you or unsure

There are caveats to those last four, and if you're very smooth you can violate these rules (e.g., a girl who's being skeptical, and a guy who holds his finger up, getting her attention and breaking her out of autopilot, and then delivers a genuine compliment to her that causes her to melt out of her skepticism), but, generally speaking, unless you're a compliment pro, don't chase women by complimenting them when they're pulling away or not giving you their full attention.

You'll come across as if you're trying to force the interaction through.

On the first five, the function of the compliment is either to:

  • Lower her initial walls against you and get her to open up, or
  • Capitalize on a high point / tension point, and escalate things further

The first one we've covered in some detail already throughout this post and others, but here's an example of the second (capitalizing on a high point):

Her: ... and that's why I didn't become a vet.

You: [laughs]

Her: [laughs]

You: You really have an amazing sense of personal freedom and self-direction. It's very refreshing. It's hard to meet people who want to do anything other than office job, white picket fences with their lives.

Here's another example of that second one, this one on capitalizing on a tension point:

Her: ... and that's why I didn't become a vet.

You: [stare, build tension]

Her: [stare back, tension builds further]

You: [squinting eyes, leaning in, talking softly] You have... the most amazing air about you when you tell a story. It's like magic.

Now, timing out of the way, that only leaves us with one last thing to cover: what to do after.


What to Do After You Compliment Women

What you do after complimenting a girl is slightly different depending on the kind of compliment and what you're trying to accomplish with it. Here are the guidelines:

  • If you complimented her on an opener, immediately introduce yourself after opening and shift into normal banter or small talk

  • If you compliment a girl after she does something good or nice, or as a form of qualifying her while getting to know her or deep diving, go right back into conversation afterward as if nothing has happened

  • If you compliment her on a high point, let it sink in and let the tension build - it's a nice transition from laughter to intimacy

  • If you use a sexual compliment, maintain eye contact and say nothing else until she responds. If she doesn't respond for a while but simply maintains eye contact, ask for some form of compliance (get her phone number, move her, invite her home, etc.)

  • If you use an "us vs. the world" compliment, let it sink in and don't say anything for a little while. Resume normal conversation only after a moment


Wrapping Up on Complimenting Girls

Here's the post-article wrap up on all we've covered:


Scientific Research on the Effects of Compliments

  1. Single women presume you're complimenting them because they're genuinely great, while girls in relationships assume it's because there's some other reason (low self-esteem) or because they're superior to you (high self-esteem),

  2. Complimenting someone makes her feel better about herself, and more open and trusting toward and think more highly of you, and

  3. Even if a compliment is obviously fake, its net effect is still positive and it's still a net gain.


How to Compliment a Girl Genuinely

  • See someone you'd like to compliment
  • Pick out something about her you want to compliment
  • Pick out some cool, interesting details about it
  • Pick out how those details reflect well upon her
  • Deliver the compliment
  • Squint, wrinkle your nose, and get a small smile going when you deliver the strongest part of the compliment
  • Use a slow-spreading smile when you smile, rather than that quick "on-off" light switch smile most people use in uncomfortable situations


The 3 Types of Compliments

  1. Standard Compliments: use to open, make yourself relatable, and praise

  2. Sexual Compliments: use when you're lower in value to create arousal

  3. "Us vs. Them" Compliments: use when you're higher in value to create intimacy


When to Compliment a Girl

  • When you first meet her (on the opener)
  • Shortly after you've opened situationally or with "Are you single?"
  • On a high point, when she's smiling and laughing
  • After she's just done something very good
  • In a moment of heightened sexual tension


What to Do After You Compliment Women

  • Introduce, then talk or banter,
  • Return directly to conversation,
  • Let the tension build,
  • Ask for compliance, or
  • Let it sink in a moment


Remember to approach compliments as a skill like anything else - the more you use them, the better at picking them out and giving them you get.

Best of all... while you learn, you'll be having tremendous fun in the process, too.

So don't let this seem to overwhelming. Instead, just pick your favorite kind of compliment out of this list, and start practicing.

Before you know it, you'll be an expert at picking out others' strong suits and telling them about it - and everybody loves having somebody like that around.

Chase Amante

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Comments

Funman's picture

Incredible article again


Hi Chase 2 questions regarding Sexual Compliments

You said 2 things
“You'll use these most when you're pursuing a style of direct, sexual game, and are the person in the lower value position in the interaction.”
“Sexual compliments are used for upping polarization - that is, driving some women away, while ramping up the excitement levels of others.”

1)If a guy paid a girl a sexual compliment such as “you are very sexy, and the girl walks away. Would you say the girl was not interested in him to begin with? Even if he had given her a “standard” or “US Vs the world compliment”, she would probably stay a little longer, thank him but still walk away?

2)Would you pay a sexual compliment to a woman during the day time, if you saw her at a park, mall etc?

3)Would you recommend majority of the guys to use sexual compliments because majority of us I assume are not “high-value/ wealthy” guys?

4)How soon would you recommend us to use a sexual compliment on a first date? Is it after you have done some deep diving or before that?

5)Some people would say a guy cannot be a challenge in a girl’s eyes when he is showing sexual interest. But being a challenge, isn’t it more about a guy’s actions rather than his verbal interest?
Actions such as not being available all the time, not texting her all the time or constantly posting comments on her facebook frequently. Be comfortable with walking away if a girl said something condescending or insulting?

6)Is there an article on this website which talks about specifically how to be in the “lover category” not the boyfriend category when picking up women? ( I am assuming the best way would be by paying a sexual compliment early on in the interaction?)

Prince's picture

Reverse AA


I asked Chase a similar question about when woman walk away straight after a compliment as they are caught off guard and could in fact be interested in you. "Reverse AA" Hope Chase will answer my question.

Chase Amante's picture

Sexual Compliments

Author

Funman,

There’s a lot going into compliments beside the compliment itself – e.g., timing. A girl may eat up a comment about her being sexy at one moment, but walk away from you the next.

Daytime is subject to that as well. It’s a less sexual environment. Still possible, if you create the right mood for it, but you need to get that going on. Without darkness / alcohol already in effect, you need more build up.

On not being a boyfriend – see these articles:

Telling Women You're NOT Boyfriend Material

The Early Boyfriend: Why It's a Bad Idea

On most guys “not being high value” – remember, value is relative. What one woman considers low value, another woman may find high value, and it isn’t consistent. You may meet a very unattractive woman who dismisses you as low value, and then meet an incredibly beautiful, intelligent, enchanting woman who views you as high value. You need to gauge based on the individual woman you’ve met, and how she’s viewing you. Much of what I'm defining low/high value here I'm actually thinking of in terms of lover/provider value - you may be low value as a boyfriend (or out of her league as a boyfriend), but remain high value as a lover, and that's when sexual compliments will benefit you most.

Chase

Nish's picture

Getting Her Ready To Move To Hotel


Hi Chase,

I dropped you an email few days back but didn't get any response so thought to write the matter here. I am an Indian who is in China now. I am a go getter as the situations in Asia and USA, Europe are totally different. Here in Asia, we have to give our best to survive. Anyways, as i told you that i am in china, and already doing good in seduction. However, the issue is that i live with room mate, also most of the girls either Chinese or foreigner i meet are also living with roommates. How to move them after the date to a hotel for a night. I did moved some girls with me few times but that is because i already felt that they are naturally get attracted towards me. But this is not always the same situation.Foreigner Girls compared to Chinese Girls needs less effort if i want them to go to a hotel with me. Usually i tell them that i like her than i ask them by looking deep in the eyes with a strong but emotional and deep voice "do you like me too". When they say yes, i ask them that i want to spend more time with them and mostly they also say they want the same too.That's how i am doing it till now, but seriously need a little more help and ways to move them to hotel with me.Also when getting in to the hotel how to make a girl pay for the room. I paid few times but i also made the girl paid by themselves without even asking me. I need tips on this matter urgently because whenever i fail to move a girl with me to a hotel i feel bad because i lost a chance with her. I don't like losing the chance being so near to it. Looking forward to hearing from you a.s.a.p. A post on this matter would be highly appreciated. Please excuse the typo and grammar as i am not a native English speaker.

Chase Amante's picture

Hotels

Author

Hi Nish,

There are a handful of Westernized Chinese, but most Chinese women are coming from a more conservative social background than most Western women. While Western women will sometimes logically assent to intimacy and be more upfront about their interest, Chinese women often must be seduced in the traditional sense of the word – you need to appeal to the girl’s emotions. Simply inviting her back for what’s clearly a roll in the hay – unless she’s of the “liberated” variety – can offend and annoy her. Western girls, who tend to be more experienced, know the deal, are up for it, and frequently don’t have these qualms.

If you must use a hotel, it’s probably better if you book it in advance, and simply invite her back for drinks. Depending on where you are, there are cheap hotels if you look around the city (usually better if you have a Chinese friend scout these out for you first and learn the prices; some hotels do not allow foreigners, and others do but try to ratchet the price up very high for foreigners). The cheapest won’t have a website or be listed online.

Getting girls to pay for a hotel – I don’t have experience here and don’t want to give you any poor advice. When I’ve used hotels, they’ve typically either been one I was already staying in, or I just paid for it to keep things moving smoothly toward the seduction without any road bumps. If you ask her to pay, you risk breaking the mood, and especially if she’s not logically committed to sex, as will be the case with any less experienced girls you’re pulling, there’s a good chance this is fatal to the seduction. If it’s necessary for financial reasons though, you could potentially just say, “Can you get this? I’m all out of Chinese money,” and see if she’ll pay for it. I’d suspect many girls simply will, and at that point they may actually be more committed. You might lose some at this point though, too.

Chase

Nish's picture

Getting Her Ready To Move To Hotel


Hi Chase,

Thanks for the advice. I don't ask them to pay for hotel but they do it by themselves. Yes, you are correct, hotels here charge more from the foreigners. Yes, i managed to tackle the Chinese girls traditional values as being an Indian the same is the case with me. So i understand them. Yes, i also tell the same that lets have drink together so that we can spend more time together and can get to know each other. This thing work 90% of the time. I think the more time i will spend here the more i will learn. FYI, i am in Shenzhen, closer to HongKong. Thanks for advice man. You are doing a good job. If someday you come to shenzhen, do let me know. Thanks again. Really appreciate.

lucifer's picture

"asap"


Man, come on, don't ask to reply asap, that's just... Asocial at best :)

Anonymous's picture

Great article. But First of


Great article.

But First of all, how do you even accurately perceive that a girl thinks she's higher in value than you? She could just have a defense mechanism around strange new men (i.e. testing you subconsciousy to see if your strong or witty enough to keep up with her). And If she does feel that superior, isn't it better to subtly burst her bubble and show her that her superiority complex is mistaken (e.g. Be a challenge and subtly refute her?) thus making her say to her self who is this guy?! I have a different opinion of him! I've tried this approach before a long time ago and it's worked for me, and then at that point she starts to look at me differently and then i respond by dialing up the sexiness and chase framing which has worked for me. ( at the time I didn't know that I was chase framing but after reading this site, I understand!!)

These days I usually don't get that superiority complex problem unless I say something boneheaded and she starts in on me with her feminist lawyer logic (vitriol), to which I don't even engage anymore and focus instead on a hard push getting physical and pulling her close and saying she's so sexy when she's heated up to which some melt and calm down which shows me her superiority tirade it was just a test anyway.

Another question is how to accurately tell if a woman perceives you as higher value? One thing I've found with some girls is that they obfuscate their enthusiasm and impressions of me to try and throw me off the trail. I only recognized this recently when a woman's friend told me that her friend is really really into me. I would have never known based on this lady's lack of compliments or outward interest toward me, coupled with heavy ball-busting and heavy challenging. I assumed attraction (why would a woman spend time with a man she isn't interested in) and proceeded accordingly and remained calm and instead of engaging her logically, i ignored and chase framed when she was ball-busting and displaying an air of superiority. She would blush! but I would never have known based on her behavior how much she was into me and wondering about me when I wasn't there. Almost like she was intentionally being a hardass...

Last question related to a man being percieved as higher value, why in your view are sexual compliments to such women (who feel they're lower in value) not effective? I mean what is triggered in their minds that would turn them off? I've tried sexual compliments on such women before (although not as direct or on-point as in your examples under sexual compliments) and found that such women responded almost like they were relieved that I found them remotely attractive and thus I had a noticeable spike in attraction.

I've had an epiphany recently and found that while compliments are effective and makes me come across as charismatic, I can still move forward without much complimenting. Doing so just ups the curiosity and intrigue, but I love to compliment women I like...sometimes it's very hard not complimenting but it's just something I've started playing around with to use implied (non-verbal) attraction which seems to create tension.

Chase Amante's picture

Value & Compliments

Author

Anon-

You can gauge how she feels about your value relative to hers by how much she’s trying to impress you (e.g., a girl who feels superior won’t spend much time regaling you with her success and accomplishments, because she’ll see no need to), how responsive she is to your compliance requests/demands and screening/deep diving attempts (e.g., polite refusals / shallow answers are the hallmarks of disinterest / feeling superior), and body language (e.g., closed, disinterested body language or reservedness). Ball-busting and challenging is a sign of interest; girls who aren’t interested won’t waste the time. It’s the junior high approach to flirting, but some women still employ it even when they’re all grown up.

You can certainly turn girls acting superior around, yes, and you see it less and less as your fundamentals and conversation abilities improve. However, you won’t always have time to turn things around when you find girls acting superior, or you may not always want to. If, say, you want to pick up a beautiful girl who’s surrounded by well-dressed socialite friends, and you know you’re simply not going to be able to break in there and compete because you’re not dressed well enough or not feeling sharp enough or the event or party or club is closing soon, you can use sexual complimenting to see if you can pull out a win by taking another approach. Or, if it’s the end of the night and a girl’s about to go home and you don’t have the time or the opportunity to get her chasing after you, you can use sexual compliments to see if you can get her to decide to come home with you for intimacy instead.

What you’re seeing with the relieving effect of sexually complimenting women who believed you higher in value was a relaxing of the social tension as you brought your value down to below theirs. Instead of them feeling tense as they competed for you, suddenly the tension was moved off of them and onto you as you began competing for them. Your positions flip, and now you are the pursuer, and they the pursued.

The reason why this happens with sexual compliments is that this is a form of “showing all your cards.” You relinquish control and hand it over to the other person, trying to win their favor and excite them about you. This works with women who want sex, or are open to it with you, and it doesn’t work with women who don’t. You essentially leave off trying to win over a girl, and instead move onto more or less saying, “Here I am if you want me. Come and take me and I’ll give you some great sex,” in a more elegant, more convincing way than most men can.

And you’re also right on not needing to compliment much. Compliments are another spice you can add to an interaction, though if you’re doing a good job deep diving and chase framing they’re almost unnecessary… the attention she’s getting and emotions she’s experiencing from that deep diving and chase framing are compliment enough. Compliments are often strongest here when first opening and when needing a transition to move things forward (i.e., if there’s a chance she’ll wonder, “Why does he want to spend time with ME?,” compliment her first).

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Interesting


See I'm learning. About value and perceived value. I've seen girls trying to impress me (for the most part) but I personally never saw the point in trying to impress someone to get them to like me. I would just be myself and if they liked me cool and if not, then whatever. I could never really understand why people would try overtly to impress me... now I'm seeing that if they want to win you over they spend the time pumping up their value... it's no wonder they'd get pissed off if I wouldn't pay them much mind. Epiphany! I feel like a light bulb just went off. These are things I never paid much attention to... thanks man.

Are women as keenly aware of social value... and the effects that compliments, value-pumping play?

Chase Amante's picture

Social Value

Author

Great to hear it, Anonymous. That's attainability - when women are trying to show you their value, and becoming frustrated and auto-rejecting when they feel like you don't recognize it / see it / appreciate it / value them.

As for social value, yes, women are very keenly aware of this. Women train their social antennae to this stuff from a very early age, and they also have a larger portion of their brains devoted to it. Most men never learn it nearly as well as women do, though if you make it to your 20s or so with a decent amount of social intuition and you study this stuff and practice it religiously for a while, you can eventually achieve a social intuition that beats almost anyone else's. The wider the range of social experiences you have and the more different kinds of people at different levels of different social hierarchies you interact with, the stronger your intuition for social rules and social value, and the better able you are to navigate the social jungle and come out on top.

Chase

Wes's picture

Sexual compliments


Wow, I honestly thought I was a master at complimenting woman. You sir, have just proven me wrong. I never even thought or knew about sexual compliments or us vs. world.
But anyways, a question on sexual compliments:
How should I come up with my own like you showed for the example of genuine compliments?
I feel like I shouldn't be using the same ones all the time.
Also, do you have any more that work well?

i really want to test this out right away this is a very good opportunity for screening. Honestly I still do not fully understand screening and i've read the post maybe three times now. I understand the rewarding and what to screen for but I really don't know where to fit them into my conversations, when to bring them up smoothly, etc. I guess I really need to be a good conversationalist to sew all these skills into conversations but any extra tips would be appreciated.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Sexual compliments

Author

Hey Wes,

I don't really have any standard sexual compliments personally, and I tend not to use these much myself anyway... they don't mesh so well with my style. But I have friends who use them a lot... often things like whispering into a girl's ear, "I want you NOW," or, "I want to take you back and tear all of your clothes off." And then they just go back to normal conversation. I had a friend who would open a girl direct by complimenting her on her breasts or legs or buttocks... he'd act a little hesitant at first, then say, "No, I can't say it," and the girl would prompt him to just tell her, and he'd say, "Well, okay," and then say it (always to girls who were clearly wearing clothes to show off that particular body part). Done right, these styles really drive women crazy and prime them for a near-term pull.

Screening is just finding out if a girl meets your standards. Do you only want to date intelligent women? Screen for her educational background, hobbies, views, etc. Do you only want to date liberal/conservative women? Screen for her beliefs, political party, etc. Do you only want to date sexually open / sexually inexperienced women? Probe her backstory, relationships, thoughts on modern sexuality, etc.

The simplest example is asking a girl, "Do you cook?" if you want to know if she can cook or not. Just like if a girl asked you that, you'd feel some pressure and wonder why she wants to know and if she's going to write you off if you say "no"... same deal here.

Chase

Prince's picture

Question re: Day game/cold approaching


Hi Chase,

So I do a proper stop of running in front of a cute girl and then open them with direct eye contact and something like "excuse me, I know this is random but I must say you look very nice etc.” Or “Are you’re from.... (then they answer) then I drop a compliment... Or “are you Single?”

I do so in a confident, relaxed manner etc. but they often look a bit stunned and start moving to the side... or say “oh thanks” or “I have to go...” but smiling a bit.. only saying for a very short time...

I don’t re-open them, but I have read you should because often these woman are caught off guard and don’t know how to react and it’s not an IOD when they walk off immediately. The same goes if they say they have a boyfriend early on in the interaction. I end it too soon or in the former case have failed to re-open hence uncertain about this.

Woman who don’t fancy you can be totally comfortable after your approach and will say thanks and will happily engage in a conversation as they don’t feel any attraction (no threat). *read about this somewhere

Q: Would like to hear your thoughts/experience on this and the initial reactions from woman during day game and what you advice. I think I should re-open and I have to say I am a good looking guy which may play into some of these reactions?

Look forward to your response

Thanks,
Prince

Chase Amante's picture

Day Game Focus

Author

Hi Prince,

Startled / surprised responses are pretty common in day game, but your target should be reducing and eliminating that element as much as possible, rather than re-opening girls later that you’ve let go.

I’d start by dropping the “I know this is random, but…” line, as it’s excusing yourself and painting yourself as weird / awkward / creepy. I know lines like that can make you feel as though you’re coming in more “under the radar,” but they actually make a girl more certain that you’re being a weirdo by approaching her. Instead, you want to go to the opposite extreme and seek to come off like it’s the most normal thing in the world. Most women start off a bit confused, then intrigued, then charmed.

Focus on nonverbal fundamentals – your smile, your comfort levels, crinkling your nose as you open, coming in smoothly and gracefully enough that your body isn’t jerky or uncomfortable, slowing your movements down so you aren’t running to reach the girl and raising her alarm bells.

If a girl isn’t responding and you want to keep trying your hand, you can walk along with her and continue to talk and see if she will bite. Usually this is not a winning battle; re-opening isn’t normally either. Both of these instances the girl just confirms for herself that “yep, he’s just a creepy weirdo who doesn’t get it.”

Instead of this, focus on not losing her in the first place – come in smoothly, gracefully, more attractively, and more captivatingly. Make her thrilled you opened her. And, of course, don’t excuse yourself (a quick, “Excuse me,” said in a very interesting way is fine, but no “This is totally random, but” or “I NEVER do this, but” – women see through those a mile away).

Chase

Prince's picture

Elephant in the room


I thought pointing out that "this is random" etc. is stating the 'Elephant in the room' and is socially intelligent... demonstrating to the girl you are aware of social norms? but what you said does give me a different perspective.

Hmm still the Reverse AA (flipping the script) with day game... Guess I'll just give it a test and see for myself what's best.

Thanks for your perspective!

Chase Amante's picture

Reactions / Results

Author

Hey Prince,

Here’s an example.

Imagine James Bond stops a woman on the street. And then he says, “Excuse me… I know this is kind of random, but…”

Feels really weird, doesn’t it? Like why on Earth is James Bond EXPLAINING himself? He’s James BOND!

It’s the same if you imagine Brad Pitt doing it, or George Clooney, or anyone else that a woman would actually WANT to stop her and open her.

Now, if Will Farrell (in a movie; not real life Will Farrell) stops a woman on the street, he probably has to say, “Excuse me… I know this is really random, but…” because you know she’s going to be thinking, “Uh! Why is THIS guy talking to me?!” He hasn’t worked on himself to be sexy or attractive or interesting, so most women aren’t all that excited to meet him. He needs to buy himself time to say his piece – it’s essentially the same thing as the old opinion openers (“Hey, can I get a female opinion? You see, my friend read this article in Cosmo about who lies more, men or women, and we were both debating it over there trying to figure out the right answer, and we figured we needed a female opinion on this one. So what do you think, who lies more? Is it men, or is it women?”).

By excusing himself, he effectively neutralizes himself as a sexual threat. He’s communicating that he isn’t dominant, and hands dominance over to her as he seeks to win her approval. She feels comfortable - he’d make a great friend, and she stops any consideration of him as a potential mate.

Basically, this comes down to reactions vs. results; you’ll get better reactions from excusing yourself (more friendly, happy, talkative, sociable reactions), but worse results (fewer girls actually ending up in bed with you). By working on your fundamentals to get default receptions more like Bond, Pitt, Clooney, etc., and dropping any form of excusing yourself or painting yourself as non-sexual / non-threatening, you can still meet women who like you without having to dip down close to or into the friend zone to talk to them.

Chase

The M's picture

Music and movies


Hey Chase,

This should be a super helpful article for me! Looking forward to putting it into regular, but sparing, practice. :)

Does having a "non-sexy" taste in music or movies interfere with getting good at seduction? I've tried to listen to "sexier" music such as R&B, rap, etc., but it just doesn't feel like me - at least not yet. I like fantasy movies, too (although I guess you like The Never-Ending Story, so maybe it's OK!). Basically all of these present Disney-fied and sensitive (on the man's part) versions of love, relationships, etc. However, can't they still be a part of an otherwise sexy personality - and actually make me more interesting and multi-faceted than a sexy guy who just listens to and watches straight-up "player" stuff?

BUT also, would you recommend keeping them more in the background until into a relationship? (Talking about your love of cartoons on your first date doesn't seem terribly sexy to me - correct me if I'm wrong!)

One last question on this general topic: does it really matter at all if the girl and I have common tastes in movies and music (or anything else for that matter)? How I present myself seems to be much more important that what I like. Personal tastes don't seem to play a big role in seduction as you've presented it so far on this site. And if we're in a relationship and she thinks I'm super sexy, it doesn't really matter if our tastes differ then, either. In other words, sexiness lies in the person, not in their tastes and opinions.

Best,
M

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Music and movies

Author

Hey M,

Wow, good memory! I had to do a site search to see where I ever mentioned NeverEnding Story on here…

I don’t think music and movie choices hurt you too much with seduction, unless you’re listening to a ton of music where some guy’s crying about some woman he lost, or you’re watching movies about guys crying about women they’ve lost, that sort of thing. Fantasy movies are usually some powerful guy goes and saves a damsel in distress… that’s not so bad. If you get an aura about yourself of “powerful man saving lusty women,” there are worse auras you could have!

Look at everything you take in and mark it down as something that’s subconsciously affecting you. Everything that enters in through your senses affects you and impacts your subconscious, whether you agree with it logically or not. The subconscious is wet clay, and anything that’s pressed into it leaves an impression.

I always make girlfriends watch zombie movies and Lord of the Rings and movies about people dying in outer space with me, and refuse to watch romantic comedies (unless it’s, like, a really awesome romantic comedy, like anything with Kevin Kline in it, for instance). So I wouldn’t worry about that much. If you’re watching anime or something though, you might need to start dating Japanese girls if you want a girlfriend who’ll watch that with you... generally speaking, anything relatively mainstream Hollywood is probably fine.

I don’t think personal tastes matter much. You probably will not ever talk about these prior to sleeping with a girl if you keep conversation focused only on meaningful topics. When movie-watching time rolls around, simply look for common ground. e.g., I think The Lion King is a pretty awesome movie, but if I’m dating a girl who doesn’t like cartoons, we won’t watch that. Instead, we’ll watch The Count of Monte Cristo or something else that pretty much everybody’s going to love.

Note: some people out there are really picky about movies. I’ve never dated a girl like this, and probably wouldn’t get along with one, so I don’t know what you’d do there. Probably just not watch movies with her if your tastes are totally different and not compatible.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

reaction to compliments


hello chase.
i really admire your blog, everything is clear and organized and well explained and 100% true. well regarding compliments, when you recieve a compliment what should be your reaction? should you return a compliment back? or say thank you? or not say anything at all? or say im not that good? Thanks anyways for everything you wrote. really opened my eyes.

Chase Amante's picture

Responding to Compliments

Author

Hi Anon,

The best, never-fail reaction to compliments is generally this: a small, warm smile, and a quick, "Thanks :)"

Playing it off, "Aw, I'm not THAT good!" you usually only want to do if the praise is overmuch and the person clearly feels likt there's a large power differential there between you and her (that you're far more powerful than she is). Complimenting back seems a little reactive, and you'll normally want to skip that one, as the compliments don't come across all that sincere (since they're merely reactions, rather than inspired by something genuine, as the original compliment to you likely was).

In the case that it's an aggressive compliment (i.e., someone trying to assert dominance over you by complimenting you), you can usually use a simple, "Thanks!" followed by ignoring the person to frame it as an ingratiating compliment, or you can put it back on the complimenter by asking, "What makes you say that?" and then answering whatever he/she says by saying, "Well, that's very kind of you, thanks."

Chase

aliparpar's picture

Love The Social Psychology


The thing I really liked on this article was how you referenced to scientific articles and journals on Social Psychology and Relationship Maintenance. I know this article was about how to compliment women but reading those articles you've mentioned in this article was really eye opening as well and gives a great insight on the mechanics of social interactions. I'd love to find and read more of these articles if possible.

Thanks again.
-Ali

Chase Amante's picture

Social Psychology

Author

Ali-

Duly noted. I'd like to try and fit more research into articles where appropriate, too. It gives stronger foundation to the thrust of the piece, and there are often interesting and unexpected takeaways from what some of these papers have to say.

Chase

Vaughn 's picture

Looking focused/Loud df game


Hey chase thanks for the reply on my last comment.
I want to know how I can look more focused and sharp? Should I squint my eyes and look serious? Maybe I talk like I'm slow(which I thought was good) but when people mimic me I sound like a jock. Is their another way I can talk slow but not sound slow? My voice is. Very deep, just to give you an idea.

How do you spit game on a crowded dance floor?
I have to talk to these girls on the df becuase there is absolutely no where to go that's quiet.
What openers can I use and what should my conversation be if I'm talking with all this loud music.
I was thinking a direct opener or just asking with out Convo what's your number, because I can't really spit nor expand effort too keep conversation going while being very loud and repeating myself.

Thank you!!!

Chase Amante's picture

Looking Focused / Dance Floor

Author

Vaughn-

To understand looking focused, try looking at yourself in a mirror. Look at yourself zeroed in on your own eyes and reflection - it should feel sharp and piercing. Then -relax- your eye muscles and let it all feel very easy and comfortable and pay attention to what happens to your focus. It will relax as well. People tend to look far more intelligent when focused; they look decisive, certain, and clear. When the eyes are relaxed, one looks complacent and dull instead. You can look focused while squinting or not, and unfocused while squinting or not; it's more the focusing of the eyes on a single point in space (often directly between the eyes of someone else, when you're talking with him or her) and the sharpening of the gaze.

Re: dance floors, they're much more suited for rapid physical escalation than they are for communication. I addressed this the other day on the forums (Re: OR: dance floor.); the relevant part of that comment was this:

[T]he problem with the dance floor is that it's an instant dominance separator: there are the guys who are dominant, and there are the pushovers. No in-between. Which makes sense, when you think about it... dancing is basically simulated sex, and women don't want men who aren't going to dominate them and lead.

What happens is, if you don't come across very solid and self-assured, women will start treating you poorly, or they'll just close off to you. Of course, you often need to take your bumps and bruises just to learn HOW to behave correctly on the dance floor.

If you're really committed to getting good on the dance floor, I'd recommend you start off making yourself more dominant with girls on it. You'll get some blow outs, but you'll also get some very warm receptions - and you'll see more and more of these as you get smoother at this.

Deep diving I'd stay away from while dancing. Just like you wouldn't deep dive a girl during sex, you don't want to do it while dancing.

Re: names, rather than ask her hers, just tell her yours. Or don't mention these at all - save them for once you're off the dance floor. If a girl asks you yours while dancing, you can do the same thing this coy girl did to her - just smile sexily at her, and keep dancing. She's now in hot pursuit, and you are the object of that pursuit.

Chase

Jamile's picture

Valentines?


Hello Chase! I was wondering what your policy is with girls that you are talking to but have not yet become intimate with. I've wrestled with this for a week now and I can't figure what the best course of action would be.
I know she's expecting something because she was dropping hints, even mentioning how scummy her ex was for not getting her anything. So I feel that getting her something would make me boyfriend material, which is no good. But getting her nothing would definitely make her hate me. I feel like the latter is the better choice but I could really use your help.

Thanks for any reply - Jamile

Chase Amante's picture

Valentine's

Author

Jamile-

As a general rule, you don't want to buy gifts for a girl who's not your lover. Typically, her hating your guts but retaining attraction for you is better than her thinking you're a great guy and PERFECT for her to be "just friends" with.

However, you've still got more than two weeks prior to Valentine's Day, which is (generally speaking) WAY more than enough time to take her to bed (unless, say, you're in a very conservative country, etc.).

My suggestion then would be this: sleep with her before Valentine's Day, so that the two of you are lovers. Then, if you'd like to give her something, give her something small, and since you're already lovers with her, you'll be just fine.

Chase

Anonymous's picture

Receiving Compliments


Hey Chase,

I recently met a girl who was complimenting me constantly. I didn't really know how to react and ended up essentially walking away. How should of I responded? Should of I taken her home?
It'd be great if you could let me know.

Thanks, Anon

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