How to Flirt with a Girl

The other day I got told I was a very good flirt. And, I suppose, I am. Of course, I wasn't always a good flirt... well, perhaps I was always at least a little bit of a flirt.

What's it matter if you know how to flirt with a girl or not? In fact, it matters a good deal. Flirting is how you arouse a girl's interest and make her start imagining the two of you getting together. And once you've gotten her thinking about it – and gotten her thinking about it in a fun, suggestive way – you're a lot closer to taking it out of her and your imagination and into the real world.

In this post, we're going to focus on what most men do wrong when it comes to flirting with women, what the right mindsets are for a man who's a successful flirt, and what talented flirts do. So purse your lips and lower your eyelids a smidge; we're going to get flirty.


Clumsy Flirts: Where Most Men Fail

Did you know that babies flirt? If you didn't, no biggie; most folks don't. My mother likes to tell the story of how when I was a little infant, before I could walk, when she'd take me out in the stroller and go around the shopping mall in our town, I used to smile and coo at all the pretty girls who walked by, and I'd get very flirty with the ones who came over to admire me. Guess I started young.

As it works out though, the majority of flirting done by small children is done by baby girls, and this trend only accelerates as children get older. Boys are running around and scuffling with each other and getting into messes; girls are talking and gossiping and looking at the boys and flirting.

What that ends up producing is a whole lot of girls who are very good at flirting... and a whole lot of boys who aren't. Flirting just doesn't come second-nature to most men.

As a result of this lack of experience with flirting, when most men try to flirt, it comes out clumsy and overly direct. Most men just don't really know how to be subtle, and they don't really know how to tease and excite women the way women know how to tease and excite men.

And that, there, in subtlety, is one of the primary differences between many men's attempts at flirting, and women's successes with flirting. If you want to know how to flirt with a girl, subtlety and implication is going to be something you must learn.

But flirting is made up of two halves, and the second half is nothing like the first: wit and chase frames make up the rest of the flirtation equation.

Of course, just like most men lack subtlety, most men never think to use chase frames when flirting with women, and those two missing pieces – subtlety and chase frames – are the main reasons why most men fail at flirting. Once you start incorporating those pieces into your fliration repertoire, however, things change in a hurry.


How to Flirt with a Girl: The Halves of Flirtation

Men who flirt want women to be having fun, feeling a little teased and challenged – though not too much – and feeling turned on and excited. What a man does to make a woman feel that way can be boiled down to a few technical elements. We break flirting down like this:

The Two Halves

  • Subtlety and Implication
  • Wit and Chase Frames

Let's have a look how each plays into your flirting.

Subtlety and Implication

Most men's ideas of subtlety seem to be bluntly stating something outright, like, "I'll bet you look great in a thong." Yikes.

By being subtle, what I mean of course is you want to fly under the radar and say things that imply what you mean, rather than state what you mean outright.

So here's the typical man's way of flirting:

Girl: I love thongs.

Guy: I'll bet you look great in a thong.

Ugh. There's no mystery there; no challenge. By being direct and obvious, this guy's robbed this exchange of all its fun. Here's the flirtatious man's more subtle response:

Girl: I love thongs.

Guy: Thongs do have a very nice way of accenting the female form.

And another take on a reply using subtlety in response to the same statement:

Girl: I love thongs.

Guy: Oh really? Well, believe it or not, I love girls who love thongs.

You should be able to feel the difference in subtlety between the first, clumsily obvious example, and the second and third far more implied statements. But think about this: the man is more or less saying in all three of them that he likes this girl, right? So why do the second and third replies – the subtle replies – feel so much more flirtatious?

The reason why is implication. In that first example, it's stated outright that the man likes this girl in particular. In the second and third examples, the feeling is that he likes this girl as well – but rather than come out and state it, instead he implies it.

When you imply things, rather than state them explicitly, it feels more exciting to women. The reason why is because there's a degree of "safe intrigue" in it; she feels comfortable and assured enough that you like her, but not so assured of it that she's bored with the lack of challenge. No, with an implication, there's enough intrigue and challenge to interest her, while still communicating enough of your desire for her to put her at ease with you and open herself up to the challenge that is you.

"I'll bet you look great in a thong." This is the man stating outright that he likes the girl. There's no challenge in it; no standard to meet. All his cards are on the table and he's easy to get. It's utterly uninteresting and uninspiring, and a woman spending time with a man who talks like this will get bored quickly.

"Thongs do have a very nice way of accenting the female form." This is the man saying he likes the looks of women in thongs – implying, though not out-and-out stating, that he'd like this girl too, if she wore a thong. He's interested, but not a pushover who's going to stand there drooling over a girl.

"Oh really? Well, believe it or not, I love girls who love thongs." This is the man implying that he'd love this girl too – assuming, of course, that she loved thongs (which she's just stated that she does). Again, he's interested, but not a pushover.

Tonality and facial expressions are as important as ever here. The difference between a man saying, "Thongs do have a very nice way of accenting the female form," in a neutral tone with neutral facial expressions, and a man saying the same thing in a sexy voice tone with a suggestive, alluring look about him, is miles apart. Check out the post on "How to be a Sexy Man" for more on adopting the traits of sexy men.

A final note on subtle, implied flirting: if you notice those last two replies, they both communicate the man has standards and imply the woman has met them, while the first reply does no such thing, instead communicating blind attraction. Women don't want a man who's blindly attracted to any girl with decent enough looks; there are lots of girls out there like that. Women want a man who's attracted to them, and communicating that you have standards, and that they've met them, and that that is the reason why you're interested in them, is how you show them it's them themselves you're attracted to, and not just a pretty face with no thought to the woman behind it.

Wit and Chase Frames

Flirting is supposed to be fun. That's why wit is such an important element to flirting well with women.

There are plenty of witty things to say with regards to that thong example we used earlier (e.g., I'd probably say something like, "And I love snapping girls' thongs against their butts when they have them on"), but let's change up examples just to keep things fresh.

Let's use massages on this one. Let's say a girl says, "Nothing beats a good massage." Here's our standard guy's reply:

Girl: Nothing beats a good massage.

Guy: I'm pretty good at giving massages myself, actually.

Another ugh for that one. Now let's see how a guy with a little wit might reply to that massage statement:

Girl: Nothing beats a good massage.

Guy: Shall I stand on your back later?

Another potential response:

Girl: Nothing beats a good massage.

Guy: Well, that depends... who's giving the massage, a beautiful woman, or a woman who looks like grandma?

The difference here should be even more apparent than the difference between an average reply and a subtle / implicit reply. The average reply in this example features the man trying to prove himself to the woman and match himself up to her standards; the witty replies feature the men giving the girl a friendly ribbing and, in the second witty reply, showing off, in polite fashion, the man's interest in beautiful women – an attractive trait (women like men with a healthy sex drive and the confidence to be tactfully honest about it).

Wit – again, when combined with sexy tonality and facial expressions and a powerful way of carrying oneself – takes pressure off an interaction and keeps it from getting too serious. Strive for balance, needless to say; if she's laughing her head off the whole time, that may be good, if you're chase framing the living daylights out of her, but otherwise you'll be working too hard and setting yourself up as the entertainer guy. Instead, keep interactions flowing smoothly, and hovering right around the middle, mixing deep dives with chase frames and flirty banter.

And that brings us to, of course, the chase frames, with an example being such as where you clearly and obviously pretend to be clueless or confused about a woman's intentions, or what she's doing or saying, or what not, in order to tease her by positioning yourself as the more "innocent" party, while positioning her as the pursuer. Chase frames look like this:

Girl: Nothing beats a good massage.

Guy: Trying to seduce me by offering massages?

You see how this can quickly set a fun, sexy dynamic. The conversation might continue like this:

Girl: No!

Guy: Good, because it won't work.

Here's another example:

Girl: I love thongs.

Guy: Don't try to make me think about you in thongs.

By twisting everything she says a little bit to position her as the pursuer chasing after you and trying to entice you and turn you on, you make the interaction very fun, lively, and sexual. This is flirtation at its best – lighthearted, carefree, and very exciting for women.


Putting Your Flirting Together

When you put both the halves together –subtlety and implication, and wit and chase frames – what you get is pure dynamite for seduction. I'll give a final sample flirtation:

Girl: What do you do for fun?

Guy: I'm not sure if I should tell you that. What do you do for fun?

Girl: I asked you first!

Guy: You don't want to tell me? Maybe it's something you're ashamed of.

So now here, we're using some wit and some subtlety to imply that it's something sexual she does for fun.

Girl: That doesn't make sense! I asked you first.

Guy: All right, I'll bite. I like to tease bad little girls who won't tell me what they do for fun.

Girl: Too bad there aren't any bad little girls around here.

Guy: Yes there are! There's one at this table, in fact.

Again, we use subtlety and implication – the guy is saying he likes teasing bad little girls, without outright stating that she is the bad little girl. Then he says there's one at the table – the implication is it's her, of course – but refrains from pointing and saying, "You!" He uses a general statement to imply a specific instance (that particular girl). This is how implication works.

Girl: Okay, you got me. I am a bad little girl.

Guy: I know. It's obvious. You've been trying to seduce me since Day 1. Thank God we met somewhere public.

Girl: [laughs]

Guy: So seriously though, what do you do for fun? Paint, draw, calligraphy...?

Finally, we end with a chase frame, and then cut the silly stuff and get back to connecting. You don't want to overdo flirtation, and that's as much an essential element to knowing how to flirt with a girl as all the primary elements are. Keep it fun, but use it in moderation.

Boring guys are overt and don't really flirt. Annoying guys over-flirt and go over the top with excessive flirtation.

Cool, sexy guys who get the girl? They flirt just right. Work on getting your flirtation down, and you'll be flirting just right, too. And girls will laugh, and smile, and touch you for it, and they'll be very glad they ended up spending the time with you they did.

Chase Amante

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.


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Johnson's picture

Hi there, I was wondering whether you offered any advertising possibilities on your website? I have a friend who is looking to promote his new website.

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Chase Amante's picture

Howdy Johnson, thanks for thinking of me. I'm looking to keep this site free of third-party advertising and/or endorsements of products I haven't reviewed extensively and can't explicitly endorse, so I'd have to say no, not at the moment. Here's hoping your friend's new website is a success, and best of luck!


Ferik's picture

Hi Chase, I've been reading your articles and putting them in practice. It's very helpful! Thanks.. But now, I need some advice for adolescence..

I've been chasing this girl Vivian I met from church and pretty much do what standard guys do.. I've tried to bring her on a date but only succeeded to go for lunch along with a bunch of friends.. Then she had a major exam coming and we only text and met in church occasionally on sundays.. The texting started to degress as she takes a long time to reply and sometimes may not reply at all.. So I stopped talking to her for some time to let it cool and went out to meet other girls.. After reading some of your articles, I wanted to have another try so I wished her good luck in her exams (via text) and reminded her that she still owed me a movie.. I got her to agree.. I got advice from my friend who's good at talking to girls but he can't teach well.. He only told me she likes cool guys so I should just text her like how her ex's would.. It seemed like it was going well at first but then she did not reply again and left the conversation hanging..

I know its the best idea for movies on a first date, but is there any advice for me to make things better?


JR's picture

Sorry, Ferik, but this girl is not interested in you. You can't convince a woman or girl to like you. If this chick dug you SHE would be texting you and asking about a movie or wishing you good luck on your exam.

That's okay though. There's plenty of girls out there. Move on and learn from this. Maybe you came on to too strong or appeared desperate? Also, don't do what every guy does. That says nothing about you. You have to have something else to offer this girl that's different then all the other guys. Don't chase girls, They should chase you . .. then you seal the deal.

Anonymous's picture

The girl goes to church. Those are the easiest ones to get with if you're devout. They are the most naive and susceptible to social manipulation. You may have lost your chance with her but those types of women, you can't come on strong or they will think you're in it specifically for physical interaction.

Anonymous's picture

WOW thank you so much man
I now realise that I've been flirting with this girl the wrong way my subtlety or implication haha
your site is a great help to a lot of men I am definately going to recommend it to some of my mates

Anon's picture

Awesome awesome awesome is all I can say. I tried just some of the advice and seeing improvement with women instantly. Will definitely keep reading.

Anonymous's picture

I understand the concepts I just need help implementing them

KN's picture

I have been vigorously reading all your articles and it all makes sense. Overall I am a confident/sexy guy and usually have success with getting on dates, but I always drop the ball around the first or second date and the trail goes cold. Lately I have been thinking hard about what I am doing wrong and trying to improve. Your articles are opening my eyes and thank you for that. My question to you is how to you learn to instantly flirt (come up with good responses on the spot)? To be honest I have used some of the examples you talk about on your articles on live discussions with girls and they work well, but I am not sure I can come up with great stuff to flirt and escalate with girls on the spot. Any advice would be great. Thanks.

Nick's picture

The only real way to come up with original flirty stuff is through practice. If you are confident/sexy you have plenty of girls to try new flirtation methods on. Just follow the guidelines when doing so: cooperative flirtation, fun not hurtful, and make sure it has some intrigue (she met your standards *like from the examples chase gave*). Follow the guidelines and then just practice until you do it naturally. It's alright to fail; it's part of the process to improve and hone your skill in flirting.

-Nick (^-^)

Anonymous's picture

Alright, so i've been reading your articles lately and i was wondering how you respond to a girl in a flirty way that is a little cocky. Im not saying that she is in control of the conversation but she is clearly testing the water. I dont want to offend her but she kind of needs to be put in her place. Shes cute but she has a big ego.

Dave's picture

But how do you do it? You just talk to them? I've liked this girl since pre-k and now I'm in 8th grade last year her friend told her that I wanted to go out with her but she was surprised cause we been good freinds like we joke around but when we got to 7grade it died I didn't have a single class with her and when I saw her I said hi or told her jokes
this year I hope I have a class with her but when she told her freind she said she wasn't aloud to date and would just like to stay as friends. But the thing is she wen out with her other friend i'm like that slut! Butvhe was a small Asian an. I'm German/Hispanic and she is Hispanic and white I'm tall big messy hair and a little chubby but you hardly notice it I'm a skater and she is hot and really smart and nice like last year we got into a fight and she told me she didn't like me anymore but then I said sorry and we where ok so that's when I taught she liked me How do I go out with her or ask hercim scaredshe might say no I'm only 13 glasses meat hair no braces and a skater help me!

Spencer's picture

Hey so I've been going after this girl for awhile now, and I'm just starting this new date thing since I'm really shot for being 15 like really short. And I just kind of have up for awhile until I met Ashley we've hung out for a bit now but never really outside of school but we have. We have had good times like I was pissed and sad a day and just went to the library and say she came in and just tyed to chear me up the whole lunch, I'm moving hour away and switching schools and they made a video (her and friends) a truth is video and she looked predy sad and talked about the times we hung out including the library time. And other stuff like that. But she would text me saying "hey" and we would talk for like 2 mssgs then just stop and she would just say hey but never text back after that. So I stop thinking uninterested but then! Of course she would text back saying hit seeming so interested and talking a lot but the it would just go back to not texting me. WTF? Would you please get back to me?

Ps I have autocorrect on excuse mistakes

Joe's picture

This makes good sense. I've used some of these things without really realizing, but I have to admit I've also made some of the overt, boneheaded remarks too. I'll just have to try to plan out where to take the conversation in the future.

I think flipping the tables on the woman and making it as if she's the one pursuing you, that's just golden. I will definitely use that next time the opportunity arises!

Anonymous's picture

i understand most of what u said but how do i flirt with girl's that already know me and not that interested in me but only think of me as a serious friend and could u also give some more examples of flirting please so that i could get used 2 it.

Anonymous's picture

Ive been hanging out with this girl for about 2 months, she about 1 month since i met her i told her i liked her and she tokd me she didnt want to rush things up and that i was the sweetest guy she has ever met, but she said that she wanted to meet me better so i asked her do i still have an oportunity and she said yes but she had to meet me better. So we hung out more and more, her friends told me that sometimes she liked me sometimes she didnt i felt that she liked me, everytime i talked to her at school everybody would look at us with a killer look because everybody knew i liked her, and when we hung out when we met up with people we knew they would ask:are you two together? And she would get blushed and say no. and few days ago i asked her out for dinner and she said sure! But not convincing way, so i told her by fb that if she didnt want to we could hang out she said how she wanted to go just as friends and that she prefered me as a friend and all that stuff and that she loved me too as a friend and that she loved to hang out with me and that she still wanted to hang out with me i said no but i felt she did that because she was so embarassed when everybody looked at us like that, i was o sad i didnt talk to her next day then she asked me by fb how are you? I replied sad you? She said confused if i did the right thing? I replied maybe deep inside of you, you didnt do the right thing? She said wel idk.
What do youthink? I believe i will start hanging out with her again but usin thsese tecniques

Anonymous's picture

I love a girl but dont know that she loves me or not but when she come in front of me she shy but in front of my friend she dont shy what does it mean? Help me guys.

Anonymous's picture

it means she's not interested in you !

SBM's picture

Hey, I have a question in regards to thong example you've used. Personally, I'm a sucker for girls who wear hoodies/sweatshirts. So, if I happen to get into a conversation with a girl about hoodies and how she likes wearing them, should I use the thong example to subtely flirt with her? Like if she says "I love wearing hoodies!" Should I just be like, "hoodies do have a very nice way of accenting accepting he female form", essentially replacing " thong" with "hoodie"? Or should I say something more like "well, nothing beats the soft touch of a hoodie against a woman's skin", but say it in a more "sexy" tone of a voice with "sexy" eye contact? Or what would be some other flirtatious ways to go about discussing this with a woman you like?

Anonymous's picture

I would use the other example, "I love women who love hoodies." Make it funny, girls usually like humor.

JKS's picture

So this girl - who made it clear that she only wanted to be friends- started inviting me over to her house, like a LOT. Asking me to spend the night on the couch. She said she gets paranoid sometimes when alone and sleeps better when I'm in the house. We would go through these flurries where she's texting and calling all the time- sometimes in a flirty way, sometimes in an insecure, lonely way, like "are you going to come over soon???" But then as soon as I try to elevate, she falls back on the "friends only" card- right before she invites me over again. Sometimes we would talk about sex, sometimes we talk about friend zone stuff. Sometimes she would wear revealing/loose clothing. Like loose pajamas with no bra or panties, and lean over to where I could see EVERYTHING. Also, she didn't seem to mind when her friends see my car there in the morning and wonder/ask her/tease her if we're gettin' it on.

Now after so much back and forth and uncertainty, I'm looking elsewhere, and meeting other women for dates and introductions.

But I have to get your opinion: Was she testing me? Maybe thinking about letting me be her boyfriend but then decided no? Or was it just an "extra cozy" friend zone relationship the whole time?

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