How to Flirt with a Girl
The other day I got told I was a very good flirt. And, I suppose, I am. Of course, I wasn't always a good flirt... well, perhaps I was always at least a little bit of a flirt.
What's it matter if you know how to flirt with a girl or not? In fact, it matters a good deal. Flirting is how you arouse a girl's interest and make her start imagining the two of you getting together. And once you've gotten her thinking about it – and gotten her thinking about it in a fun, suggestive way – you're a lot closer to taking it out of her and your imagination and into the real world.
In this post, we're going to focus on what most men do wrong when it comes to flirting with women, what the right mindsets are for a man who's a successful flirt, and what talented flirts do. So purse your lips and lower your eyelids a smidge; we're going to get flirty.
Clumsy Flirts: Where Most Men Fail
Did you know that babies flirt? If you didn't, no biggie; most folks don't. My mother likes to tell the story of how when I was a little infant, before I could walk, when she'd take me out in the stroller and go around the shopping mall in our town, I used to smile and coo at all the pretty girls who walked by, and I'd get very flirty with the ones who came over to admire me. Guess I started young.
As it works out though, the majority of flirting done by small children is done by baby girls, and this trend only accelerates as children get older. Boys are running around and scuffling with each other and getting into messes; girls are talking and gossiping and looking at the boys and flirting.
What that ends up producing is a whole lot of girls who are very good at flirting... and a whole lot of boys who aren't. Flirting just doesn't come second-nature to most men.
As a result of this lack of experience with flirting, when most men try to flirt, it comes out clumsy and overly direct. Most men just don't really know how to be subtle, and they don't really know how to tease and excite women the way women know how to tease and excite men.
And that, there, in subtlety, is one of the primary differences between many men's attempts at flirting, and women's successes with flirting. If you want to know how to flirt with a girl, subtlety and implication is going to be something you must learn.
But flirting is made up of two halves, and the second half is nothing like the first: wit and chase frames make up the rest of the flirtation equation.
Of course, just like most men lack subtlety, most men never think to use chase frames when flirting with women, and those two missing pieces – subtlety and chase frames – are the main reasons why most men fail at flirting. Once you start incorporating those pieces into your fliration repertoire, however, things change in a hurry.
How to Flirt with a Girl: The Halves of Flirtation
Men who flirt want women to be having fun, feeling a little teased and challenged – though not too much – and feeling turned on and excited. What a man does to make a woman feel that way can be boiled down to a few technical elements. We break flirting down like this:
The Two Halves
- Subtlety and Implication
- Wit and Chase Frames
Let's have a look how each plays into your flirting.
Subtlety and Implication
Most men's ideas of subtlety seem to be bluntly stating something outright, like, "I'll bet you look great in a thong." Yikes.
By being subtle, what I mean of course is you want to fly under the radar and say things that imply what you mean, rather than state what you mean outright.
So here's the typical man's way of flirting:
Girl: I love thongs.
Guy: I'll bet you look great in a thong.
Ugh. There's no mystery there; no challenge. By being direct and obvious, this guy's robbed this exchange of all its fun. Here's the flirtatious man's more subtle response:
Girl: I love thongs.
Guy: Thongs do have a very nice way of accenting the female form.
And another take on a reply using subtlety in response to the same statement:
Girl: I love thongs.
Guy: Oh really? Well, believe it or not, I love girls who love thongs.
You should be able to feel the difference in subtlety between the first, clumsily obvious example, and the second and third far more implied statements. But think about this: the man is more or less saying in all three of them that he likes this girl, right? So why do the second and third replies – the subtle replies – feel so much more flirtatious?
The reason why is implication. In that first example, it's stated outright that the man likes this girl in particular. In the second and third examples, the feeling is that he likes this girl as well – but rather than come out and state it, instead he implies it.
When you imply things, rather than state them explicitly, it feels more exciting to women. The reason why is because there's a degree of "safe intrigue" in it; she feels comfortable and assured enough that you like her, but not so assured of it that she's bored with the lack of challenge. No, with an implication, there's enough intrigue and challenge to interest her, while still communicating enough of your desire for her to put her at ease with you and open herself up to the challenge that is you.
"I'll bet you look great in a thong." This is the man stating outright that he likes the girl. There's no challenge in it; no standard to meet. All his cards are on the table and he's easy to get. It's utterly uninteresting and uninspiring, and a woman spending time with a man who talks like this will get bored quickly.
"Thongs do have a very nice way of accenting the female form." This is the man saying he likes the looks of women in thongs – implying, though not out-and-out stating, that he'd like this girl too, if she wore a thong. He's interested, but not a pushover who's going to stand there drooling over a girl.
"Oh really? Well, believe it or not, I love girls who love thongs." This is the man implying that he'd love this girl too – assuming, of course, that she loved thongs (which she's just stated that she does). Again, he's interested, but not a pushover.
Tonality and facial expressions are as important as ever here. The difference between a man saying, "Thongs do have a very nice way of accenting the female form," in a neutral tone with neutral facial expressions, and a man saying the same thing in a sexy voice tone with a suggestive, alluring look about him, is miles apart. Check out the post on "How to be a Sexy Man" for more on adopting the traits of sexy men.
A final note on subtle, implied flirting: if you notice those last two replies, they both communicate the man has standards and imply the woman has met them, while the first reply does no such thing, instead communicating blind attraction. Women don't want a man who's blindly attracted to any girl with decent enough looks; there are lots of girls out there like that. Women want a man who's attracted to them, and communicating that you have standards, and that they've met them, and that that is the reason why you're interested in them, is how you show them it's them themselves you're attracted to, and not just a pretty face with no thought to the woman behind it.
Wit and Chase Frames
Flirting is supposed to be fun. That's why wit is such an important element to flirting well with women.
There are plenty of witty things to say with regards to that thong example we used earlier (e.g., I'd probably say something like, "And I love snapping girls' thongs against their butts when they have them on"), but let's change up examples just to keep things fresh.
Let's use massages on this one. Let's say a girl says, "Nothing beats a good massage." Here's our standard guy's reply:
Girl: Nothing beats a good massage.
Guy: I'm pretty good at giving massages myself, actually.
Another ugh for that one. Now let's see how a guy with a little wit might reply to that massage statement:
Girl: Nothing beats a good massage. Guy: Shall I stand on your back later?
Another potential response:
Girl: Nothing beats a good massage.
Guy: Well, that depends... who's giving the massage, a beautiful woman, or a woman who looks like grandma?
The difference here should be even more apparent than the difference between an average reply and a subtle / implicit reply. The average reply in this example features the man trying to prove himself to the woman and match himself up to her standards; the witty replies feature the men giving the girl a friendly ribbing and, in the second witty reply, showing off, in polite fashion, the man's interest in beautiful women – an attractive trait (women like men with a healthy sex drive and the confidence to be tactfully honest about it).
Wit – again, when combined with sexy tonality and facial expressions and a powerful way of carrying oneself – takes pressure off an interaction and keeps it from getting too serious. Strive for balance, needless to say; if she's laughing her head off the whole time, that may be good, if you're chase framing the living daylights out of her, but otherwise you'll be working too hard and setting yourself up as the entertainer guy. Instead, keep interactions flowing smoothly, and hovering right around the middle, mixing deep dives with chase frames and flirty banter.
And that brings us to, of course, the chase frames, with an example being such as where you clearly and obviously pretend to be clueless or confused about a woman's intentions, or what she's doing or saying, or what not, in order to tease her by positioning yourself as the more "innocent" party, while positioning her as the pursuer. Chase frames look like this:
Girl: Nothing beats a good massage.
Guy: Trying to seduce me by offering massages?
You see how this can quickly set a fun, sexy dynamic. The conversation might continue like this:
Guy: Good, because it won't work.
Here's another example:
Girl: I love thongs.
Guy: Don't try to make me think about you in thongs.
By twisting everything she says a little bit to position her as the pursuer chasing after you and trying to entice you and turn you on, you make the interaction very fun, lively, and sexual. This is flirtation at its best – lighthearted, carefree, and very exciting for women.
Putting Your Flirting Together
When you put both the halves together –subtlety and implication, and wit and chase frames – what you get is pure dynamite for seduction. I'll give a final sample flirtation:
Girl: What do you do for fun?
Guy: I'm not sure if I should tell you that. What do you do for fun?
Girl: I asked you first!
Guy: You don't want to tell me? Maybe it's something you're ashamed of.
So now here, we're using some wit and some subtlety to imply that it's something sexual she does for fun.
Girl: That doesn't make sense! I asked you first.
Guy: All right, I'll bite. I like to tease bad little girls who won't tell me what they do for fun.
Girl: Too bad there aren't any bad little girls around here.
Guy: Yes there are! There's one at this table, in fact.
Again, we use subtlety and implication – the guy is saying he likes teasing bad little girls, without outright stating that she is the bad little girl. Then he says there's one at the table – the implication is it's her, of course – but refrains from pointing and saying, "You!" He uses a general statement to imply a specific instance (that particular girl). This is how implication works.
Girl: Okay, you got me. I am a bad little girl.
Guy: I know. It's obvious. You've been trying to seduce me since Day 1. Thank God we met somewhere public.
Guy: So seriously though, what do you do for fun? Paint, draw, calligraphy...?
Finally, we end with a chase frame, and then cut the silly stuff and get back to connecting. You don't want to overdo flirtation, and that's as much an essential element to knowing how to flirt with a girl as all the primary elements are. Keep it fun, but use it in moderation.
Boring guys are overt and don't really flirt. Annoying guys over-flirt and go over the top with excessive flirtation.
Cool, sexy guys who get the girl? They flirt just right. Work on getting your flirtation down, and you'll be flirting just right, too. And girls will laugh, and smile, and touch you for it, and they'll be very glad they ended up spending the time with you they did.
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