How to Act When a Girl Rejects You


girl rejects youYesterday I went out with a guy I mentor, and he asked to watch me do some direct daytime approaches.

"Sure, no problem," I told him.

I scouted around for a while, and saw a really cute girl walking along, wearing a blue blouse and big sunglasses, apparently looking for a taxi, her cell phone in hand. Usually I don't go for women who are visibly occupied like that -- taxi-searching and texting / calling, as her headspace is going to be elsewhere -- but I wasn't seeing all that many cute girls around solo, so up I went.

"I saw you walking here, and I had to come tell you," I began -- and she put her hand up and waved me off. "...that you're incredibly cute. I'm Chase," I finished. She waved me off again. I walked next to her, matching her stride.

"What's your name, then?" I asked, sticking my hand in her direction. She smiled, turned her head away, and waved me off again.

"I'm sure you've got to be called something," I said. "Your friends don't just call you this [I demonstrated waving], right?" She cracked a bigger smile, laughed, and kept walking.

"There, that's more like it!" I said. "All right, we're making some progress. Smiling, laughing -- now we just need some actual 2-way communication going on." Again, she waved me off, smiling.

"If you keep up like that, we're going to end up back at square one again!" I told her. She continued smiling, and turned her head away again. Now she was crossing the street, still looking for a taxi, her phone still in-hand. I let her go. "Well, it was nice getting to know you!" I called after her.

My friend and mentee later asked me a good question off of this. His question was: "How do you deal with rejection like that?"

The answer has a few parts, but it's a little more straightforward than you might think.

 

The Agony of Rejection

This is one of the most important points I stress with newer guys, because I realized the mentality in myself a few years back -- and then I noticed it in everyone else.

Why's it hurt when a girl rejects you? Ever ask yourself?

There's a fascinating term called metacognition. It is, roughly, thinking about thinking. When you sit and ask yourself, "Wait, why am I thinking this? Why do I feel this way?" you're thinking metacognitively.

Wikipedia defines metacognition thusly:

Metacognition variously refers to the study of memory-monitoring and self-regulation, meta-reasoning, consciousness/awareness and auto-consciousness/self-awareness. In practice these capacities are used to regulate one's own cognition, to maximize one's potential to think, learn and to the evaluation of proper ethical/moral rules.

In other words, when you employ metacognition, you're becoming self-aware.

When you turn the magnifying glass inward while you're feeling rejected, you'll notice fairly quickly why rejection stings: it's because you feel like this girl is saying you're not wanted. It's because she seems to be rejecting you.

You've been deemed "not good enough." And that cuts to the very core of our egos and self-esteem.

I realized this fully while going through a bad breakup with an ex-girlfriend. As I analyzed the breakdown of the relationship, I realized that she'd ended up feeling, by my own mistakes and actions, as if she "wasn't good enough" for me... as if I'd been saying that she was good, but I thought I could do better. And I realized this is one of the deepest, most soul-wrenching feelings a person can have; to feel that someone -- especially someone who knows her well -- has rejected her as unworthy at a very primal level.

I got back together again for a time with that ex-girlfriend, for various reasons, but one of the primary ones being to go through a healing period; I wanted us to end on good terms, and I wanted her to understand it wasn't that she wasn't good enough for me.

As I came to comprehend how viscerally she'd felt, it also opened my eyes about rejection in general. And I realized how the rejection men feel when women turn them down is a lesser form of the bad-breakup-rejection feeling: they feel like they've been found insufficient.

That's why you see so many men get hurt and angry upon rejection. That's why men in Bangladesh throw acid on the faces of women who've rejected them; that's why men in some parts of Africa forcibly kidnap and rape women who turn them down as husbands. It feels insulting at a level that goes beyond almost anything else a person can experience.

But the thing is -- that anger and insult is terribly misguided. Because it isn't you that a woman's rejecting -- it's your approach to her, your presentation of yourself, how you come across in that split second when she's first assessing you.

It's not you. It's your game.

 

It's Not You -- It's Your "Game"

Ever have an off-day where everything you do goes to hell?

And ever have an on-day where you've got the Midas touch -- where everything you come into contact with turns into gold?

The same things happens with "game" -- with your approach and success with women.

I like to use the example that you can go out and meet a girl on an off-day and she won't want to talk to you at all, but you could go out another day when everything's going your way and you're feeling great and meet the same girl and she'll be all over you. The point of that example is, you're the same, and she's the same, but her reactions are worlds apart, simply because you are feeling and acting differently.

This is a pretty empowering thing to understand once you've got it.

When a woman is rejecting you, she typically isn't rejecting "you." She doesn't know anything about you: your qualities, your history, your likes, your dislikes, how compatible you'd be for her or how compatible she'd be for you. It may be the fact that you would've been the most amazing man of her entire life -- and she dismissed you outright and missed out on the best thing she ever could've had.

But that doesn't mean you ought to be angry with her for it. Nor does it mean you ought to feel ashamed for going up to talk to her. It just means you didn't come off the right way.

What happens when you fail to strike the right tone with a girl? Any of the following can happen:

  • She dismisses you reflexively on "autopilot," without thinking.
  • She feels pressured and tries to run away.
  • She feels annoyed or challenged and pushes back.
  • She feels frightened or startled.
  • She feels nervous or like you are "too much" for her.

Nowhere in there does she take time to get to know you or consider you or find out if the two of you are a good match. She has no idea if you are or not. She's responding at an instinctual level to a gut-feeling; it's a knee-jerk reaction, and a self-reinforcing one -- once a woman's felt herself react a certain way, she tends to stick to it.

This is why pre-opening tends to be so effective; it eases women into responding to you warmly first, before anything else happens. And when you jump into the interaction, she's going to stick to that early reaction and be warm with you.

Even when we're not talking opening -- even later in an interaction, with a girl who, say, tells you she just wants to be friends -- again this is about gut-level feelings. The guy who gets told a girl just wants him as a friend failed to strike the right emotional, instinctual feelings an attractive guy strikes, and the girl pushed back.

And that's what it's really all about. But now that you have an understanding of your own feelings and girls' feelings during a rejection, how do you use that understanding to deal with the situation a girl rejecting you?

In fact, there are a few mindsets -- and a few actions -- that are going to take you a long way in dealing with it better and bouncing back after the fact.

girl rejects you

 

How to Act When a Girl Rejects You

A quick list of the key ways to improve your "resilience" -- the ability you have to bounce back from a rejection or a crash-and-burn with a cute girl:

  • Understanding everything is a skill and you need to work on that kind of opening
  • Understanding that what works for one type of girl in one situation won't always work for others
  • Understanding that dating is a numbers game and you're going to have to collect some "no"s (sometimes a lot of "no"s!) before you start getting "yes"es

I'll go through each of those in a little more detail.

Everything is a skill. I've known guys who were amazing at opening, but couldn't get a girl in bed to save their lives. And I've known guys who were stellar closers, but couldn't open for jack.

Personally, I'm somewhere in the middle, admittedly more on the closer side of things -- opening I do all right, especially with certain kinds of women, but I'm a rather polarizing guy and I come off very strongly, which makes lots of girls feel a little nervous or intimidated around me initially without a nicer or more friendly wingman to take the edge off first, or if I don't properly pre-open. But once I'm in, things tend to go consistently very well.

If women aren't opening, that means that's a skill you need to work on. You could be a movie-star-good-looking, Rhodes-scholarship-having, catch-of-the-century Mr. Right type of man, but if you haven't developed the skill to open you'll find yourself continually frustrated and floundering while approaching. Women don't open with any degree of consistency to men who haven't built up that skill.

Further, it's situational, too. Most guys I know who do great in nightclubs struggle with daytime. Most guys I know who do great in daytime struggle in nightclubs. And guys who are great in-person can be atrocious online, and vice versa. Often it's just little tweaks they need to make to their approach if they're already pretty successful somewhere else; there's a moderately painful learning / adjustment curve as they acclimate to new opening conditions, but they quickly adapt and self-correct.

And that brings us to our second point: what works for some girls in some situations won't always work for others.

If you go direct on a very beautiful, confident girl, and you come on strong and powerfully, she may be flattered and excited to meet you. If you do the same thing to a girl who's only somewhat cute and not accustomed to that kind of attention, however, she may very well buckle under the pressure and bow out of the interaction early on.

Similarly, if you try to play down your interest in a gorgeous girl when she clearly knows what's up, she'll think less of you, and if you are overly loud in a quiet area or too quiet in a loud area, there'll be a disconnect.

When you find yourself opening well in some situations and not well in others, you need to make "tweaks": you need to find the situational differences and calibrate for them in your approach.

The final piece of the puzzle is understanding that meeting girls really is quite often a numbers game. As you get comfortable in a certain environment and good at picking up signals, you tend to get better at picking out which girls are looking for what you have to offer and meeting them.

Regardless where you are in your development though, it never stops being a numbers game.

Even as your close rate goes up, you still need different women in play to have consistent success. Even as your base attraction increases, you still need to meet a number of women to find the ones who are most attracted to you, and most open to your advances. Some types of women are going to be low percentage opportunities; they just aren't likely to convert into anything substantial.

The thing about a numbers game is... you need to put up numbers to see success. If you go out and meet four or five women, it's likely that may not turn into much unless you're opening highly targeted girls. But if you go out and meet fifteen, twenty, twenty-five women or more, chances are you're going to meet one or two girls things go well with.

For me, back when I was frequently doing outings where I'd meet lots of girls, I found my rough hit rate to be about 1 out of 12. 1 out of every 12 girls I'd meet would really, really like me and be open for just about anything. That meant that on an average night, I'd have to talk to between 10 and 15 girls to find one I could move things forward with reliably.

Understanding that changes things.

It changes the way you look at opening, and the way you handle rejection. It allows you to go a long way toward beating approach anxiety, and it makes going out to meet girls a lot less stressful and a lot more fun.

Because it's supposed to be fun. You know, lately, I've had a lot of people say this to me:

"Life is serious."

and I keep looking back at them and saying, "No. Trust me, life is not serious. I spent most of my life believing it was serious, but nowadays... we only get a handful of trips around the sun. I don't know about you, but I'm going to focus on doing the things I want to do while I'm here."

So if you've been letting a few girls waving you off stop you from meeting the girls who'll positively jump at meeting you... knock it off. Life's short. Get out there, pay the women who don't want you no mind, and keep saying "hi" to girls until you find one who likes you as much as you like her.

Oh, and as for how to act technically when a girl rejects you?

Shrug. Laugh. Pretend to cry. Smack a mildly amused grin on your face and shrug your eyebrows, as if to say, "Does this girl really understand what she just missed out on?" (my personal favorite). Then go get back on the saddle and meet some more girls.

Basically, just poke a little fun at the situation and then soldier on; because, remember... life's supposed to be fun. Let the dismissive people go dismiss each other, and go find the cool girls who want to get to know you.

Yours,
Chase Amante

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Comments

Dr. Gasmo's picture

Great


Thank you. This made a lot of sense to me, favorite'd!

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Great

Author

Doc, don't mention it. And... way cool to see you're still here!

Chase

Mason's picture

Another excellent article


Another excellent article Chase! Getting rejected up, down, left and right lately ...although I admit my mojo has been off, but I still go out and try. I want to meet a girl who is genuinely interested in me as a person and not because she is bored and has nothing better to do. Read this article today - big morale booster, my favorite quote, "Regardless where you are in your development though, it never stops being a numbers game". Will try again tonight! Thank you!

tempest181's picture

An excellent albeit scary article with one superpowerful gem


Great article, though my game is far, far below the virtuoso tactics you use.

I've got to start somewhere though, and your following suggestion is diamond quality advice:

"Shrug. Laugh. Pretend to cry. Smack a mildly amused grin on your face and shrug your eyebrows, as if to say, "Does this girl really understand what she just missed out on?" (my personal favorite)."

It says, "Wow, that's puzzling. I'm not used to being brushed off like that, but whatever . . ." If I can psych up to do this one thing, maybe I'll get to being able to do everything else you mention--thanks : )

Chase Amante's picture

Re: An excellent albeit scary article with one superpowerful gem

Author

Hey Tempest,

Pretty amazing how a small little action like one of those can make you feel as though you've regained some power, even in the face of a rejection, and perhaps even cause a girl to start doubting internally that she made the right call, ain't it?

If you use the stuff that's easiest for you to use starting out, that gives you the base to build on to use other tactics that might feel a little more difficult to execute off the bat. So for sure, start there -- and then see what else you can do!

Best,
Chase

Anonymous's picture

Meta-rejection?


What do you do when a girl says yes, then online she says she's busy that day and can't make it? Sounds like a test because if its not, logic just stopped making sense.

Chase Amante's picture

Re: Meta-rejection?

Author

Hey brother,

Rather than considering this a test, I'd consider it her having cold feet or having something else to change her mind.

Might be if you'd been talking, something in the conversation rubbed her the wrong way and she stopped feeling like coming out. Might be she was having a bad day and wasn't in the mood for socializing.

What I've found most effective for reducing flaking is setting a firm time and location with women beforehand, then severing contact entirely, except perhaps one text an hour or two before the date about time or logistics (serves dually to both reassure her that you're coming out, and to give you a pulse on whether she will or she'll flake).

I've cut off IM altogether myself, partly because I just don't have time for it and it's too distracting, but partly too because it makes you too available and raises the flake rate and reschedule rate a lot, which I found too annoying.

Cheers,
Chase

Dnonymous's picture

RE: RE: Meta-rejection?


So what exactly do you text an hour or two before a date about logistics, assuming a time & place have already been set (that doesn't come off as ... overly concerned about her showing up :p )?

P M's picture

Nice


I enjoyed this article. Linking the suggestions for other subject manner is great. Your writing style communicates what we all needed to hear, but in a gentle way. I just linked this as one of my new favorites.

Are you done with your book now?

-PM

Nate G.'s picture

Totally hit the nail on the head


Excellent article, even though my particular kind of experience wasn't on here. I recently got rejected by an amazing friend of mine, who considers me one of her "best guy friends" - but that was actually the problem: I was already too much of a friend to her for her to feel comfortable dating.

She broke up with her ex-boyfriend several months ago, and all she saw in my pursuit of her was another potential breakup. She said she was "afraid to lose her friendship with me if something went wrong," which was her reason for rejecting me. It wasn't a bad rejection; she probably rejected me in THE nicest possible fashion she could have, which I was appreciative of. I was happy she was at least honest with me, rather than accepting simply for the sake of not hurting my feelings.

It just hurts more than anything though, like you said. And I felt the same way you talked about later in the article, how she "doesn't understand what she's missed out on." She may never know, but unfortunately that's out of my hands at this point. =/

Dobri's picture

I think you haven't inspired


I think you haven't inspired her enough to be interested in you. My opinion is that she was telling the truth - that you achieved enough "friend" part, but not "lover" part enough, and perhaps she respects you and don't want to loose you as a friend, my friend.

The Khalifa's picture

An interesting history of Rejection...help?


Another great article chase,
you mentioned a few things that I actually do at times (shrugging shoulders, laughing it off, pretending its a joke and just giggling at the rejection). Very insightful, I just wonder what you think of girls who are warm, amazing, and can't get enough of you one minute, and then a day or two later they could care less about you...total jekyl and hyde???

To make my story short as possible, I recently met this beautiful, exotic, smart, well valued gal, off the internet of all places...rare for an internet meet, there are no quality women online, so this was a rare mathematically. We met a first time and talked casually, she enjoyed herself, as did I, it was very simple, no formality! I figured she wouldn't like me enough to see me a second time, I'm a bit more shy than her, I got a bit self-conscious (stupid I know)...but I was wrong and we did end up getting together a week or so after that on a friday night...and our 2nd time meeting was great, We were out with her friends, but she was fixed on me the whole time, the friends took a backseat...on this occasion she told me she couldn't wait to see me, she wanted to kiss me all week...I was pleasantly surprised. We made out all night, slow danced, had a killer time, ended it with a stellar kiss...and of course a mutual "let's do this again"

Anywho...I kept in touch of course, every few days...doing as you would say, "keeping it warm, moving fast" I asked her out for another date the following wednesday after that 2nd date...she was happy to hear from me, said friday night sounds good, and we'll definitely plan on having a bite and a drink. Come friday afternoon I give her a call about the logistics...she says its all good, she has to run an errand with family and we'll meet at 9. Come that time, she texts me and says she has to eat with her family and can't make it tonight but sunday is good too...understandable, big ethnic families are like that, they come first. Okay, not the end of the world I say. She says Sunday is good for her as well...okay good, sunday it is. We make plans for a quick lunch and coffee on sunday afternoon...

come sunday morning, I text her about the logistics, she doesn't respond for 3 hours and when she did, which was too late for us to meet (I texted at 10am, she responded at 1pm)...her text said there was a distant relative who passed away that weekend and she just can't make it. Her cancellation text read "...I'm sorry to cancel again :S"

I told her "my condolences, and hey no sweat...there's plenty of other times."

Half of me thinks its total BS, the other half thinks..well maybe I just picked a damn bad week to ask out this girl. So I experimented with it...The last time we texted or talked was on sunday, when she cancelled...So I texted her this afternoon (a wednesday), just saying Hey, "Hey, whats new" and if I got no answer or any courtesy no matter how small, it means she cooled on me...right???

Well I haven't gotten a response all day, nothin, nada...not a facebook comment, and she just added me on facebook, silence. In the last few weeks she would respond to me fairly quickly, and never more than an hour or two, she was a fast-responder.

So basically we have a great start, a good first meet, a killer second meeting, a definite yes to a third date, a definite yes to re-planning a third date, and then out of nowhere...BOOM, silence...

What is up with that chase? I'm not really upset or depressed, I don't get that way over girls anymore, but seriously...what makes a girl do this?? moreso...what is it I did if anything? I was a gentleman, but not a pushover...I was fast, but not smothering...I was a listener and a deep-diver, we hit it off, and out of nowhere this death-in-the-family thing and then totally ignoring my calls and texts???

What's with this jekyll and hyde thing these girls do???

pink's picture

I think that she was not that


I think that she was not that into you. you liked her more then she liked you. dating is just to get to know eachother bettter.
when she got to know you better she saw that you 2 are not compatible.
Shes trying not to hurt your feelings this way she probably hopes that you figure out yourself that she isnt interested.

pink's picture

She was obviously busy with


She was obviously busy with other things. Kind of rude to bother her in this way. You kept forcing her for attention.

That she was not saying anything at all could just mean that shes death who knows.

Giaccommo Garda's picture

Can you tell what happened? And I should have done?


I really liked your article.
About a month ago I met a girl in a friend's house. I got her email and, as I had to travel, maintained contact with her in a regular basis. When I came back, we set up a meeting and it was actually better than I expected. We had a good time and we kissed. It was funny, because she was asking me questions girls normally don't, such as: how many girlfriends have you had? Anyway, I was not expecting to see her again, but she then said she really wanted to see me next weekend. So I though, ok. I text message her on friday and she said she wasn't going to be able to make on saturday because it was her mom's birthday. I asked about Sunday, and she said she had another family encounter. So I thought: she's gone, and I wen't on with my life.
But then, her friend told me she really liked me and she told me I should ask her out again. So I made a mistake: I asked her out again. Guess what? Initially, she said yes, let's do it, but then didn't reply.
Reading your posts, Chase, I think I'm doing fine with personal encounters, but I'm not doing fine while text messaging girls. What should I have done in your opinion?

abraham's picture

All I can say wooowww. I am


All I can say wooowww. I am 40 years old and I have to admit There are a lot of things to learn. What a wonderfull details.Thank you

emmanuel's picture

Another masterpiece


i have to give it to your chase dis is yet another masterpiece of your.this has not only inspired me but a whole bunch of avid readers of your articles more grease to your elbows chase

Anonymous's picture

Chase, I want your help or any one, who has any idea.


Your articles are really good. Its says about psychology of a person; especially of women.
If I got this site earlier than I really succeeded in my love.

I just want your help if you can help me on getting my love.

I love a girl since last 9 to 10 years. We met in our class. we are just friend. I am shy at that time to talk. So I dint talk with her much at that time. After, one year we passed the exam. we both had been living in one city. But later I shifted to other near by city.

At that time I thought it will be too early to approach her. But after 3 to 4 years, I feel that I should really approach. And I tried to find her. But I dint found her address. In between, I got one friend, who was the friend of my love and she gave me the address of my love. I feel that it would be not proper to go at her home. I tried to meet her outside, but I dint even saw her. Though, she was staying right there.

Later on, I found her on facebook. I made friendship. But when I approach for conversation by sending message, she made me unfriend. I was on my way of career. so I thought once I succeed in my career I will propose her.

After some month, I had to go abroad for study and right now I am in some other country for my further study. I thought it will be too late if I dont propose now. I send the marriage proposal on a facebook message. ( which I think its a mistake, sending direct marrige proposal)
she block my Id.

Than, when I look her in her profile picture, which she change after blocking me, I saw an engagement ring in her finger.
I really feel that I am late in proposing. I really love her.

After thinking somewhat, I feel that it might be not an engagement or it might be just arrange engagement. So wrote other message, from my other Id. I explain very politely and told her, if she really loves that guy than I will be out of her life and I just want to be her good friend; and if any thing can be done to meet both of us than let me know. I have written best message as possible as I can. She dint replied me nor she block this Id.

After two days, I felt to contact her. I just send the message for good friend and send a friend request. After a day or more she block my Id; i.e Today.

I thought let me send her message from other Id, to request her to reply. But I thought let me first think and then I thought to see on net. I search and found your articles, which is very helpful. Now, I come to know My earlier some of the approach (might be) not proper. My approach of 2nd message might be proper.

Now, what I should do to get my love? I managing my career, and I am with my relax mind, trying best to get her.

Can you suggest me or help me in getting back my love?. At this stage, in which I have not fully achieved my career, I cant go at her home for marriage proposal.

I hope you will reply me as soon as possible.

Thankyou very much in advance,
S.

Anonymous's picture

Chase I want your help, or anyone who can help me in my issue.


I have known this girls for a long time....she has recently shown signs of interest......I started talking to her on facebook got her number after flirting with her and talking for a few hours....We have been texting for the past 2 weeks.....I asked her out last week by saying that i was going to be in her area later and that we should catch up for a drink....she told me that she already had plans but said that we could catch up when the whole group went out that weekend. I have asked her out again today through text saying....Hey (....) Hope your weekend was good =). How was your first day of uni? Thinking we should catch up for a coffee some time soon...whats your schedule like this week?

Her reply was a few hours later:

Hey (...)sorry for the late reply. Uni is very busy because i am doing 6 subjects. It's so intense...think of actually stabbing myself hahaha....

Is that a subtle rejection...as you can see she avoided my question....or if not how should i reply to this message you think?

Vishal's picture

Hii


Hi I need a help I know girlnfrom six month in the start she meet me , n after she tell me she don't have time she is busy , after some time I knowvshe have a boyfriend but she never tell me she try to hide with mxe , one day I talk to her n speak I like u very much u know this so why what happen like this , she told me she don't like me , so I tell her to stop talking with me , but she still talking nicely , with me n sometime she smile , I like her , in one month she is going home n I want her , somebodyncan help me with this

Anonymous's picture

help me out:(


i have been in relation with my college mate for more than a year, i know she likes me,we use to chat , message, i like , love her much... i cant even imagine a life without her, i proposed her before 15 days and she said she is not interested in love, we shall maintain our relationship as friends and also she added that she don't want to hurt me, she wants me to change.......... now am in UK and she is in india and phone is the only communication between us.....i don't know what to do,how to approach....and how to move on....???

Anonymous's picture

Dude...help!!


Hey Chase,
I've been reading your blog for a while n it's really good stuf...but I have a problem.
The girl I like says she liked me before, when i dint really show much interest in her...which i understand, but she now has an on-off relationship with this older guy..n i'm stuck in the friend zone..she occasionally gets drunk and has (sort-of) phone sex with me, but i'm still not getting anywhere with her...
I could really use your help!!
Cheers,
Anonymous

jeff's picture

Chase, You're advice is


Chase,
You're advice is great. Been reading this website trying to figure out why I'm having trouble with this girl I'm really into. We met online, talked on the phone a few times and text, had a good first date: kept it interesting, funny/good conversations. she took me back to her roof, we made out for a while. The date went slightly downhill because I had one too many drinks and wasn't in-tune with the tests she was giving me, and probably failed a few. She text making sure I got home alright, the next day didn't return my text, and the day after she didn't return my call. I waited two days and messaged her saying basically: thanks for the nice time, etc. maybe you can give me another shot. I know your busy, let me know if your schedule frees up a bit, hope to hear from you soon.

She text back immediately saying she was sorry for being gone, that was rude of me. Im just not sure about what I want yet.

I haven't text her back. I don't know my next move, or if I have a shot at a next move. I'm thinking of asking her out to something more informal during the day in a week if she doesn't get back to me again. any advice?

batgold25's picture

hey chase nice site i need


hey chase nice site i need help there is this girl i really like we don't talk much but i want to be her friend then move it up a notch is there hope fro me? ty

Joe Papi's picture

Wow!


I never thought an article online would be so helpful! Moreover I never thought I would read an article where I would be so eager to read another by the same author. Thanks Chase. Looking forward to more!

ANONYMOUS's picture

She is rejectING me, but still not rejectED me


Hi Chase,

I am really into your logical reasoning and I share it. Meanwhile, There are situations where the heart commands you not to give up, while the girl is still rejecting you - and this is something I hoped you might want to address.

I had this blind-date 2 days ago with this quality girl. I moved fast, very fast, in fact too fast for her. She was off a fresh tough relationship with a guy who hurt her. The date went just ok, she seemed to be interested, (she compared me with a good friend of hers, we had this talk about going after the craziness of the heart or, choosing the safe ways of the brain). She clearly stated that she decided to go after 'the rational' given her tough relationship. During the conversation, I instinctively held her hands. - cant explain why it just happened. She freaked out. She seemed shocked, but still did not pull off her hands from mine. She asked me to slow down. But it was already too late. We later split coldly after 2 dating hours. Then she called me the next day, apologitically and told me she freaked out and realized she was not entirely ready to meet another guy. I said ok and told her it was great and courageous telling it me now and said bye. But then, I picked the phone and called her again. I tried to convince her for 2 hours to date me again (calmely, nicely, and gently) - but she consistently told me that I deserved more than that and that she didnt wanna to hurt me, and she was not there. She consistently told me how great I was, and how it was not about me, how she freaked out, and how it would be better off this. At the end of the discussion, we said good night and here I am.

I dunno what to do.
She was rejectING me, but not still rejectED me.

The heart says dont give up.

Why giving up ?
How would the Warrior deal in such cases? Escaping the circle of rejection and finding another girl?
What about the logic of the heart?

Tough questions:)

sur's picture

she likes me or rejected ?


I like a girl from past 7months at food court,recently i proposed her for friend ship,but she dnt replied and gone away.past she used to stares me & same i 2 stares her.i am not understanding did she rejected me or what?? but still i like her so much.Kindly help me out....

Anonymous's picture

I met a girl when i joined a


I met a girl when i joined a new company. I was new to the company and later i came to know that she is 1 year senior to me. I went to her and talked to her. Later for few days we chatted on office communicator. Then I got her phone number. I dailed her for a couple of times. Everything was ok. Later when I called her she said she just passed by my hostel. then i said ok why cant we meet now and just talk to each other. she didnt came out of her hostel . so i waited for her for nearly 2 hrs. then i messaged her what happened to u? no reply from her. The next day too there was no reply. i said sorry 20 times . no reply. i thought i should forget her. then i got reply from her. then again it has become normal. i asked her for coffee several times. then she said you are asking for a date?? i said no as i dont know what is a date clearly. then one fine day i proposed her in the office. she showed her thumb and asked me to go my workstation. i left. then she stopped talking to me. I tried callin her, messaging her. But no reply from her. I said sorry for nearly 20 times.
Then she slowly trying to ignore me. I asked her why is she ignoring me. She said " i dont have a wish to talk to you and she doesnt want to give reason to her ignoring "Then after a week i messaged her asking for a date. She said get lost and blocked me on the office communicator. What should i do now??????? plz reply

David.'s picture

I meet a girl when I joined.


Hi Anonymous.

Since no one is replying to your comment, please allow me to try and help.

First of all you started of great, you got talking to her, she sees you like her, and she acquiesces to giving you her number, remember this is in work, she has given you a number at work.

What do you do now ? you wait a while and call her and say something like, just checking your number is live in case I fall ill at my work station and need help, if that happens (God forbid) I can speed dial your number in order for you to phone an ambulance. Laugh and say, anyway I've got some work to do...Thanks.

Then you do nothing, you carry on living, If she wants to talk to you she will find an excuse believe me.

And an excuse is what she will find, an excuse can be anything, it could even be a quick call to say she had just passed your hostel, that's when you say ''You just passed my hostel and you didn't even find the time to bring me a cup of coffee, shame on you, Laughs'' you see, there's no pressure.

But you don't hassle her, you don't pressure her, you stay cool, sooner or later you will bump in to her, or she will call you, that's (If you feel confident enough) when you say ''Did you not say a while back you were going to call me and ask me out ?, Laugh. she replies nope, you reply ''Ah must have been someone else then, my memory's bad these days''.

Now your going to find out the nitty gritty, now is crunch time, this is where you are going to find out if she wants to know you that way or not.

She may respond with something like, ''I don't ask guys out anyway what do you think I am, laughs ?'' she can respond with just about anything, she could even say I've got a boyfriend, anything negative you take on board and never ever call her.

Anything positive you respond with ''Ah...playing hard to get are you ? I like your style'' ''I don't ask guys out what do you think I am ?'' you say ''Mmm don't play coy with me LOL'' something that shows an interest, but at the same time you give the impression you couldn't give a toss.

You see what I'm trying to say, you don't ever need to ask her out, with some basic psychology and patience (Provided shes interested) she will make it happen.

Meanwhile you stay cool and let nature take it's course, how fast or slow it goes will depend on her, she will decide.

Calling her twenty times or asking what happened to her, let's meet now ? any kind of pressure or stalking is a no no.

Now it's to late, and there's no way back, she sees you as a pain in the ass (Hard to accept, I've did it too, we all have, anyone who says different is lying believe me) so as I said it's too late, from now on to save some dignity, just smile and say hello and walk on, don't talk to her ever again unless you are forced to through work or something.

If you do that then you may, just may be able to get some respect back from her, it may stop her from telling all her friends that she met this awful stalker at the office and can't get rid of him

Sorry for being so blunt, if you think I am then I apologise, sometimes we guys need a kick up the ass from another guy to make us see sense.

In the future stay cool, don't chase them or ask them awkward questions about her/their life, and you will find things happen more naturally.

You may say well what if she doesn't call me or show some kind of sign she likes me ? well tough, you never had anything with her anyway, she is not your property to own and possess, if she wants you she will arrange it somehow, it may take some time but she will drop that hint sooner or later, trust me.

Girl's picture

Girl's perspective


Some girls automatically reject approaches from strangers, because they know that guy approaches her based solely on looks. Instinct tell her, this man could not be a loyal partner, because he would always turn after pretty girls without questioning their inner beauty. Plus she knows he has sex in mind.
I am one of those girls.

You might be handsome, intelligent, creative, rich, funny if you approach me because of my looks only, I will automatically reject you, because I am not looking for sex, but for the butterfly feeling that builds up with a person I have in my surroundings.

You guys shouldn't take rejection in such a situation personally.

Now there are girls who don't need the fairy tale way of things like I do, and just look for fun, and those will probably be interested in a guy who approaches them that way.

Just my few thoughts from a girl's perspective. I get my fair share of daytime approaches. And no matter who the guy is - I will wave you off. And you might be the guy I could have fallen in love if I had got to know you because we sat next to each other on a plane, or on any other occasion that didn't make me think you wanted to get to my pants from the get go or wanted me based on looks alone.

Even if a guy approaching me had the best line, and we would get to know each other and say end up falling in love, in the back of my mind, I would wonder - what if a prettier girl comes along?

Godless's picture

just wow


i find some of your articles so amazing, that i actually keep them bookmarked, because of how ground breaking they really are. i think you are just such a great writer and everything, you should be like, nominated for some sort of metal lol. i couldnt even finish this article without saying that haha, but really, i love how you talk about metacognition, i think that i think that i do this every day lol

Alex4577's picture

Hey Chase I Need help man


Hey Chase, big fan of your articles and must say they are of course effective. I've been reading them for a while and thanks to them I recently met a lovely girl who's in my math class. She is now my date to prom! So there's about a month left until prom and I've just hit a problem with this girl: Today I asked her to be my girlfriend after seeing her for about a month and she told me, after thinking about it, that she "doesn't want to in a relationship right now". Now I know she has the right to feel this way, but I've been a cool, sexy, and caring guy and I'm also attractive so I thought she would say yes. Now I'm wondering if mabey I should give her more time and then she'll change her mind or just tell her ,"I want to be in a relationship so this can't work"? Any help?

Cashalot's picture

I am confused


There is a girl i fell in love with back in my formal school i wanted to tell her about it but i fell too shy to say it so i sent someone of a higher class to speak to her for me and the person told her i was an awesome catch and i could be a good boyfriend for her. she said she will think about it unfortunately i was dismissed and it painted a bad image about me. My friends told me she couldn't believe it.I sent her a romatic love letter and she replied to me on facebook "hi dear so how i saw your letter it was v.v.v.v.v.v.v interesting and thanks for giving a ll that time to to me by writing such a letter so how hope fine see you". I did not understand what she meant on this reply. During the last summer holidays i went for classes and she attended same classes with me but i was too shy to speak to her the highest thing i did was to greet her just saying hi and she will say how then i say fine that is all i could do. One day she didn't come to school and i had made up my mind that i will meet her and ask her out and i was disappointed about it and miraculously she appeared by the road coming towards me and i couldn't believe my eyes.I Even thougt she was going towards someone else so i made as if i did not see her.Then she came towards me and greeted me and right there i wanted to faint becuse she was so beautiful and i replied saying hi.Since i was chatting with other guys she just hanged around as if she was waiting for me unfortunately i did not realise it.So when i was going, the guys i was talking with told me that if you told that girl you like her it means she is interested in you. Because she would not leave the other side of the road and greet you and she does not go but she still hangs around. They said i should have gone and met her and had a conversation with her.That was the last time i saw her during the holidays.Since she was in a boarding school, i went to visit her the day that all parents go to visit the students.As i and some of my friends arrived the guards denied that we should enter and there was that burning anxiety that if i do not exchange a word with that girl i will die in the next minute so i jumped over the fence which was against the rules of the school just to see her.Unfortunately we were caught by the guards who made us to be taken for thieves who came to steal in the school.we were taken to the principals office with handcuffs where we signed not to ever step our feet on the campus.On our way back to the gate she was leaning on a wall and even though other people were there she was the only person i could see.Then i gathered a lot of courage as i was approaching her and said hi while looking at her in her eyes and she replied saying how then i said fine.Then she turned her face as if she was ashamed of what i had done.Back home i met with her cousin who came along with me but did not jump so he spoke to her about my reason for coming and he asked her who is he to you,then she said i am the only boy that has Ever sent her a letter printed and very romantic and that she was very happy about it but she said i have a bad character that i should change it.Recently i sent her another letter ,And she replied saying that my deeds have never ceased to amaze her and that what i was feeling was not love that it was rather obsession she said she liked the letters that they were so amzing but why was i only writng but not calling.I was disappointed so i went to her home and wanted to have my first real conversation with her.When i went i still felt shy to speak she tried to be kind to me she asked me how i was preparing for the exams i said i was doing my best then i popped this question why are you rejecting me then she said it was impossible that i said i loved her because i have never spoken to her that i never knew her character neither did she know mine then i said it was very possible to fall in love with her just on first sight then i asked her the question again i told her to be very frank with me then she said i was not her type then when she said that i knew that she had lost interest due to the time i wasted so i had nothing to say and i told her i was going then she asked me why and i did not reply then she accompanied me to the gate she told me she was speechless then when i was about opening the gate she told me to wait then i turned back she said she was very sorry about it and it should not pre occupy my mind then i said it was not her fault then she said which fault was it i said it was mine then she said why was it mine then i ran out of word and told her that i would talk to her after the exams which means on summer holidays. Then i opened the gate again and she told me wait then she hugged me i felt comforted then i went.I do not know what to do again please Chase help.

Aussie Rhino's picture

Girl over the weekend.


I just spent the whole weekend chasing a girl who I thought was keen to hookup but got rejected in the end. I've always had some natural talent at picking up girls but never knew how deep the rabbit hole was. I made a multitude of mistakes on this girl and I think my story is a good one to help learn or point out some obvious mistakes I made and I hope someone can help point out the none obvious and give tips for the next time to better my approach strategies.
The girl just moved in with one of my best mates and currently has long distance relationship with a fella that calls her every night with jealous accusations and is generally not going well between them.
We met up on Friday night, got drunk and went out camping and fishing all night with 4 people. 3 guys. At first she paid no interest to me and I gave her very little attention too. When we finally had some alone time next to the fire, we got on like a house on fire and she was fully attentive and made almost constant eye contact and constant smiles and laughs.
It was a big night and we ended back up at their house in the morning and spent the day vegeing out and me sneaking off with her to her room to smoke joints throughout the day. We continued to get on well and were flirting a lot. I caught many signals from her. Come Saturday night, we're all chilling out watching movies half passed out. When she gets up to go to her room she stops, looks at me, and waves with a big smile. Normally I would have jumped at this sign but as exhausted as we were I simply smiled back and fell asleep.
Sunday morning the girl and I went shopping to get breakfast together. Things still seemed great between us as we cooked breakfast together even though I had diced an obvious offer the night before. The flirtations continued as they had. She went to work early afternoon and I went home and cleaned up and came back to hang out with my mate the rest of the day.
That night my mate had a date to go to at 6:30, and his housemate got home at around 6:15. I was in the room with her smoking a bong when my mate comes in and says he's leaving. At that moment I noticed a slightly alarming look on her face and she asked if I was going to. I said I'd stay if she didn't mind but was halfway out the door to move my car for him before she got to answer.
I go back inside after my mate's left and the girl seems to be a little on edge at me still being there. So we go out the front balcony with her laptop and a beer and keep talking for a short while before she asks me if I was alright to drive home. I respond by asking her if she wanted me to go and she answers "well that would be rude to say." At this point I'm outta of time and have missed ample opportunity to kiss her so ask her if I can kiss her then. She replies "you can, but I'd slap you in the face." (I do realize now that both of those questions I asked were probably a Huge no no)
I get up and grab my things and as I'm leaving I tell her thanks for the weed, next time I'll shout the smoke. She runs up to me and gives me a massive hug without saying anything and I left.
Now I'm confused.. I didn't show her any sign of being affected at all by the rejection even though it hurt. I don't know if I should have another go next weekend or if I've been already categorized as the dreaded "friends only" for failing to take the initiative on her earlier offers. I certainly won't call her this week for fear she may take this as a sign of desperation(I'm not, I just liked her a lot).
I won't get hung up on her at all if there's no chance left anymore for us to hook up. I don't know now though cause I took the rejection as a hard rejection at first but when she rushed to me to hug me as I was leaving I think it was more of a light rejection or something wasn't right in her head at that point in time or I failed to make a move quickly enough or if the lame ass question "can i kiss you" ruined it all.
I'm unsure at this point to call her in a week or two or leave things be. I will surely see her again at some point no matter cause she lives with a best mate of mine. Sorry about the long winded story guys/girls and I would be highly appreciative if one of you "pro's" could shed some light on the situation and give me advice for next time I see her or end up in a similar situation.

Peace,
Rhino from Down-Under.

P.S. It feels a lot better after sharing the experience.

Anonymous's picture

"Just got out of a relationship"


A girl I am digging was acting very interested in me. When we got close to her (me teaching her guitar) I made a move and started kissing her. She slightly responded at first, kissing back but not getting herself into a good position to keep kissing me. I put my hand on her leg and she said "I just got out of a relationship and I am not ready for this." I asked "You aren't ready for what?" She said "I don't know..."

At this point I hesitated. I didn't know what to do. After a minute I kissed her again a few times. She didn't push me away but she responded much less. Then she said "hey show me such and such on the guitar..." ending the festivities. I backed off and she got quiet and was acting like she wanted to be alone, so I left the room.

I will see her again soon (like tonight or tomorrow). How can I move this forward?

Crazy outsider's picture

Just I want to affirm wheather I am in her mind or not


This been a twenty year growing with her. Childhood memory we both hardy remember. Even we had got too closed and done so many weird things together. Gradually we both grew up but we were far for many years. After a long she came back to my life again to the same place. But during this time a lot of things were changed. I had grown up and even she was also grown with so fairness and beautiful eyes.

Years past but her returns could not lead to that moment where we used to be in the past. I used to flirt with so many girls and she used to know all the name which used to listed with me. She is my sister best fren. So why also she used to be updated with all about my action. And because our residency is also near...

Just before couple of months ago I heard she is getting married. I was so anxious listening about the news. We were both attracted with each other may be I was much attracted towards her because of her simplicity beauty and less ambitious..I could not express her. Precisely she had know that I love her cause whenever I used to meet her I used to say her that she is beautiful and I love her...She used to take it easily but she never approached me. When I meet her after I heard about her engagement with some other ..I used to see fear in her eyes. I thought her anxiousness was a feeling for me. But I could not express or purpose her right that time. I used to be really touché red I thought I was in true love with her. I had never realized that this could be possible with her. But I was gone really gone.

Just after a weeks I tell her I lover her. I love you truly and I want to marry with you. Will you marry me???but she didn't response me and when I said will you be happy with me being my bride then she denied......Then I left that day and never go to see her......

Being a close neighbor I cant ignore seeing her face. She usually come near to me. Whenever I am on weekend holiday she come near to me, Most of the time when I will be in the near bar shop for drink.
From backyard of wine shop I can see her home clearly and if she is standing in her top her house. I regularly glance her home and she also come upstairs when she know I am in weekend and in the bar.I really don’t understand whether she loves me or not. But I want to confirm from her heart. Not with her easy answer of ‘NO’. She says being my sister best fren she think me a brother which is not true.I want to hear the final answer from her…how should I ask her and affirm the final answer…

Anonymous's picture

really need your advise


hey chase brilliant article,just want to ask for your advise i have known this girl for quit some time now.
and we do chat quit frequently and just flirt around,and i asked her to be my girlfriend although the girl just put on some excuses. in her response she said honestly she doesnt know,she also said commitment. i just notice some fear within her and asking what i can do
hope my question does recieve a favourable response..

dr dovowm's picture

different angle


Being recently divorced, I am adapting my skills (deconstructing my mistakes, analyzing them - your website really helps, and synthesizing new approaches that fit who I am).

But a corollary to a fundamentally important point: that women are human and we should have a respectful approach, is to also have a respectful acceptance of rejection.

If you realize that her rejection is about her choice (or your methods) and not you as a person, it is easy to let it go and move on (I told her "if you ever change your mind, let me know").

We reject things all the time. For example, with material goods, a good salesman knows how to determine interest by being respectful and listening to the buyer's needs, and then honing in and finding the right product that meets those needs.

A good salesman can also uncover quickly if what he has is *not* a match for those needs, and refer the buyer elsewhere so he can move on to the next customer.

The good salesman accepts the rejection in a respectful way because his reputation stays intact and the buyer may come back if she sees something new that addresses her needs.

This is a different angle on the crux of what you say: it is the approach that needs changing, just as the buying customer may come back and say yes if enlightened to the right product.

Anonymous's picture

I just got rejected


I like this girl alot past two years its been going great as friends she knows I like her we both come from culture where u need to be engaged or married tp talk to each other so she asked to meet my mother I agreed and asked her What will she do if my mother asked her about us and engagement and marriage she said I won't agree so I told her I don't want her to meet mother my and she said she is under alpt pressure from me and she is not ready and their no chance for us to be together so I ended the friendship with her I still have emotions for her what should I do ???

Anonymous's picture

got rejected


I like this girl alot past two years its been going great as friends she knows I like her we both come from culture where u need to be engaged or married t0 talk to each other so she asked to meet my mother I agreed and asked her What will she do if my mother asked her about us and engagement and marriage she said I won't agree so I told her I don't want her to meet mother my and she said she is under alot pressure from me and she is not ready and their no chance for us to be together so I ended the friendship with her I still have emotions for her. after i said goodbye in a polite way she seemed mad next day at the pharmacy she works at she approached my best friend and asked if i have told him ( keep in mind i did ) he acted like i never told him so she told him the exact same story as i told him . so he told me she is trying to justify what she did and seemed pissed off all day he said he was scared from her . he told me just relax she will come back and talk to you . my other friend said go contact her and apologize and show her how u feel

Mr. X's picture

She's Not Rejecting You "Personally", She's Rejecting Your Looks


If she's not rejecting you "Personally", then she's rejecting your looks.

You make good points in saying a girl can't reject you at a personal level because she doesn't know you. And you yourself claim you have been rejected as well despite your proficiency and understanding of seduction.

So if she's not rejecting you as a person and you're a skilled and proficient seducer then what is she rejecting - YOUR LOOKS.

Yeah, I said it. The one thing no one wants to talk about and ignores. If you been in the game some time and have a decent approach but still getting rejected, it's your looks.

And for newbies, it's either their approach or their looks - or a combination of both.

If she has nothing more to judge you on then she's making her decision on what you looks like. It's not to say you're unattractive, you're just not attractive to her.

And while this might be a rosy way to frame it, after several hundred rejections you start to question your desirability.

Just like case studies are based on many, many individual people. If a pattern begins to emerge then a hypothesis can be formed.

If most of your approaches lead to rejections you can bet that it’s a high probability that you are not attractive to most women.

Yeah, that SUCKS. It's the luck of the draw and the hand we are dealt.

And this gets amplified 10X more when your are rejected by an average or below average looking girl.

Essentially you are saying, "brush it off and move on" but every little rejection stings. and eventually they begin to add up.

If you aren't allergic to bee's then one sting won't hurt you. But several hundred can kill you.

Dreanil's picture

Thanks


Thanks lad, this article really helped me a lot. :) Just need to take things less seriously, like I am always doning. :D

Anonymous's picture

I got rejected


I asked this girl out a day before valentines day and she said I may be free.... Valentines day : I was at school I saw two of her friends come up to me and said " she got your invitation and she declined sorry it's not ur lucky day" and all my friends were next to me and all shouted " YOU JUST GOT REJECTEDD " after school one of her other friends came up to me and said " are you ok she feels like your really sad " any advice on what I should do

Anonymous's picture

just a question


"...you're incredibly cute" - I think she knows that, why did you say it?
And btw, do you have a rss feed?
Thank you.

Whatgives?'s picture

I mean...


I've always been curious as to why us guys are always expected to do all the work? Why do we have to keep doing the approaching? Why are we so bloody obsessed with giving women all the power by being too enthusiastic and cheapening ourselves?

In these days of feminism, where the rhetoric is all about equality and equal treatment, why in the hell does everything never change for a man, why does everything stay the same for us?

Geoffrey Craig's picture

rejected my letter, and refused to tell me her name.


Great work chase.
Met a doc at the hospital when I took my parents. She was always surrounded my other docs or patient. So I wrote a letter to her on the next appointment. When I saw her coming I walked to her and gave her the letter. She rejected it telling me that she doesn't know me.
On the way home I look back and she was behind me. So I approach her. Apologized for the way I came on to her... She responded that I was excused with a smile... I took it a little further by telling her my name and asked for her name. But she responded that "it was not necessary". I said ok and walked away.
The thing is I really like her... And I don't want to let go. And we are having an appointment soon.

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