You meet a girl, and it’s going okay. She’s chatting with you, seems nice enough, and isn’t trying to pry herself away like those girls who really obviously aren’t into you do. Yet, she isn’t exactly throwing herself at you, either.
So, you decide to get some more investment from her; partly as a compliance test to see where you’re at, and partly also to ratchet up attraction by making her get a foot in the game too (instead of sitting on the bench watching you play).
To do this, you ask her to move a little ways with you: “Hey, let’s move over there, the lighting’s much better.”
But, she says no: “I’m comfortable here, I don’t want to move.”
Gulp. What do you do now?
If you stay and keep talking as if nothing happened, you’ve yielded control of the interaction to her, and if experience has told you anything it’s that whatever chances you had before are sunk now.
Yet if you leave, the chance you’ll get another shot with her is not so hot; you can always reopen her later on, but there’s a good chance she’ll be gone or locked up in conversation with someone else by then, and you won’t exactly be riding back in on a majestic white horse at that point either. You’ll just be that guy she didn’t connect with earlier who circles back around for another shot.
As a third alternative, you could launch into a hard push... but she’s not that sold on you yet so you realize your chances of pulling this off are dim, and besides, you don’t really want to pull the nuke out of your arsenal this early on and launch into a battle of wills before the game is even afoot.
At this point, it may well seem like your interaction with her is all out of gas, and you’ve no choice left but to pull off the highway and hitchhike home.
But what if she says no and you respond another way?
Today’s article is the first of a three-part series on compliance that will teach you how to get compliance from women, how to deal with compliance requests being rejected... and how to deal with people asking for compliance from you, yourself:
Stopping “No” Before You Get It
Before we arm you with a few tools you can use when staring down the barrel of a “no” in Part 2, let’s talk prevention rather than cures.
Because when you’re good, you won’t get all that many “no”s (compared to where you were at when you started out, anyway). You’ll still get them, of course, and will get more whenever you’re pushing yourself outside your comfort zone to learn how to do new things with girls... but as that zone expands and you get better and smoother at doing and asking for the things you are, many of those “no”s will turn into “okay”s and even “yes”es.
That is, you know how to get the answer you want (instead of the one that you don’t).
Why She Says No: 3 Reasons
There are three (3) reasons she may say no to you when you make a request of her:
You didn’t warm her up sufficiently. Just like foreplay and intimacy, you need to warm a woman up to saying yes to you with everything else, too. If she isn’t warmed up to what you’re about to ask her (if you ask for too much too soon), she’ll say “no” – often without even thinking about it much. It’s just a kneejerk, autopilot “shoot him down” reaction because she wasn’t ready.
You didn’t ask in a way she’d like to say yes to. How you ask is every bit as important as what you ask; if someone asks you, “Would you like to go to a restaurant?” you’ll probably be pretty disinterested, but if someone asks you, “Would you like to go to this great breakfast joint where they have the most amazing flapjacks this side of the Mississippi?” you’re a lot more likely to assent. Salesmanship and the voice tone of your requests are key here.
She simply doesn’t like you. This one’s actually the least frequent of these, because most people’s impressions of others are relatively neutral until you’ve either placed yourself on a pedestal or dug yourself into a hole. But sometimes you will meet a girl whom you just do not connect with at all. You may try to force yourself on with her because she’s pretty or because you want the experience, but if you’re paying attention to your gut, this feeling is usually pretty mutual – you’re not really all that into her either.
The first two reasons are remedied by fixing your approach to asking for investment.
The latter is worked around by asking for investment sooner and screening out the girls who just don’t like you.
Let’s look at how you do each of these.
Remedy #1: Warm Her Up More
You’ll probably want to test drive the car before you agree to sign a lease for it, right?
Similarly, every woman you meet needs to have you build up to greater amounts of compliance with her.
That means, you start with asking for little things first:
- “Let me see your hand” --> inspect her bracelet
- “The name’s Grant” --> hold out your hand for her to take it
- “Here, move over a smidge so we don’t get run over”
- “Tell me a little about yourself... you from here?”
- Screen her and ask her to qualify herself
- “Introduce me to your friends, we haven’t met yet”
- “Give me your opinion on this: I’m...”
- “How’s that food, any good? Mind if I have a bite?”
- “So what’s the story on this pendant you’re wearing?”
Once you have some of these out of the way, you ask for bigger things:
- “Let’s go grab a seat, it’ll be more comfortable”
- “How about we head next door and get a bite to eat”
- “I’d like to grab a bite or a drink with you sometime” --> ask her out
- “Let’s sneak into this off-limits area; we won’t get caught, don’t worry”
- Deep dive her and elicit her values
- Kiss her in public (if you know
what you’re doing)
And then once you have that, you ask for the really big stuff:
By going gradually and building up to heavier degrees of investment, you can avoid jumping the gun and spooking her before she’s ready.
Remedy #2: Ask Her in a Way She’ll Say “Yes” To
While the first of these two remedies – warming her up a little more gradually by asking for more compliance in smaller bits (instead of not asking for anything for a long time, and then suddenly asking for some huge investment) – is straightforward enough, this one is a bit more of an art.
How do you phrase and structure your compliance requests, demands, and commands in ways that make women more likely to say yes to you?
There are several parts to this:
Focus on the benefit. One of the key lessons you learn in sales and that you can never do well enough is to focus on the benefit to the buyer. Instead of “This computer has a great graphics card”, you’d say “This computer will make your games and graphic work look neater and crisper than you’ve ever seen it.” Same with girls; if you’re going to ask her to do something, the benefit must either be spoken (”Let’s sit down, it’ll be a lot more comfortable”) or implied (”Let me see your hand” said in a sexy voice by a sexy man – here, complying with such a man on a small thing like this is itself the benefit, because it moves the interaction with him forward in a little way she doesn’t have to think about, and that’s exciting for her).
Oversell things. Don’t be afraid to oversell. “Wait, let’s stop in here – this place has the best hot chocolate in town.” Is it actually the best in town? Who knows? But if it’s good, that’s all that counts. Women aren’t looking for men who are computers, who only give 100% factually correct statements and answers. They want men who can make them feel, and taking things that are good and overselling them creates excitement and anticipation. “I know the best little dive bar in the neighborhood – you’re going to love it” or “This place serves incredible waffles” or “The decor where we’re going it out of this world... it’s just one of those places you have to experience at least once.”
Be excited and committed. When you ask for (or demand!) things, ask for them with enthusiasm and conviction. The more you convey a genuine sense of “This is what we should do and must do”, the more willing she will tend to be to go along with it. Confidence does not equal success, but confidence does inspire more confidence... in others. Say what you will say as confidently as you can say it and you will get a better response.
Use fun words. Words like “little” (”This little place...”), “amazing” (”Your ring is amazing, can I look at it?”), “incredible” (”Turn around for me for a second, those jeans are incredible... or maybe it’s just your figure... you tell me, any idea if that’s you or the jeans?”), “secret” (”This corner coffee shop is the best kept secret in this whole damn town”), etc. Make it colorful, and you will make it an adventure for her.
Employ good voice tone. Your voice tone is especially important – it goes hand in hand with excitement and commitment in how you speak and deliver your compliance requests. I discussed this (and gave sample voice tones) in “Command Women (and Have Them Listen)”, so check that one out if you need examples or a refresher.
Tap compliance stacking. Easy way to cram a bunch of investment into a short period of time? Just stack that compliance.
Bust out the yes-ladder. If you don’t regularly break out the yes-ladder, you’re doing yourself a disservice, my friend. It’s one of the most fun, effective tools out there for getting her to yes.
This is where your skill really comes out to shine. The better you get at all of these, the more effective you are at asking for and receiving compliance from women (and men, too, when you need it).
If you’re using this and the other remedy well, you’ll find you start breezing through interactions on a regular basis, moving rapidly from one step to the next to the next, because each transition happens a lot more fluidly (from all the precedent you’ve established of her following your lead).
Screening Out “Do Not Like”s
The other remedy for dealing with “no”s later on into an interaction with a girl isn’t really a remedy per se, so much as it is a tool for shuttling yourself away from those women who are only being politely social... or only interested in you in the most platonic of ways.
The way you do this, of course, is to ask for compliance early and often.
This one’s counterintuitive for a lot of guys. “But what if she says no?” they ask.
That’s the thing. You want her to say no. If she’s the no-saying sort, that is.
Most men come from a mindset of, “I want to avoid doing anything that will make her say no, in order to give myself as long a time as possible to win her over... so that when I finally DO ask her something, she’ll say ‘YES’!”
Of course, they don’t actually plan on asking her anything until the cows come home... long after attraction’s expired and any escalation windows that might’ve been open have since closed and latched.
Here’s the thing: if she likes you, she likes you – and that’s based largely on your fundamentals, a bit on your game, and on a few other intangible things like your identity as well (e.g., a gal who’s a bartender will tend to click with you a lot more if you’re also a bartender than she will if you’re an accountant or a shift manager at a fast food joint). And if she does, when you ask for compliance, even if it’s a little fast she’s usually not going to mind.
There are only a few reactions you can get when you ask for investment:
“Yes!” She agrees and goes along with it enthusiastically. You’re in great shape.
“Okay...” She agrees, but she’s still on the fence. Slow down a bit and work on building in more small compliance before asking for any greater investment again lest you want to run smack into ego depletion and it’s unwelcome cousin, auto-rejection.
“I don’t think I should...” She’s unsure, but leaning toward saying “no.” In this case, you will generally want to respond by enthusiastically persisting in insisting that she comply, and then make sure you do a good job of rewarding her for her investment after so she feels good about throwing her lot in with you.
“I can’t.” She’s firmer, but not dismissive. You have a judgment call to make here; if it’s something minor, you can drop it and move on with things; if it’s major, you’ll probably need to try persisting until you either hit a brick wall with her and it’s over, or until she scales that wall with you and you’re in good shape.
“No thanks.” She’s super firm, and super disinterested... maybe even a tad dismissive. She’s not remotely interested. You have two options here: bow out gracefully and wish her a pleasant day or pleasant night, or take your shot at greatness and see if you can talk her into bed with you despite the fact that she clearly doesn’t like you.
We’ll talk a lot more about #s 3, 4, and 5 in the second part of this series, “What If She Says No?” For now though, for practical reasons, especially if you get a #4 or a #5, you can usually count on using these to screen out women who aren’t going to be good bets for your own investment of time, effort, and energy.
Why screen for women who are willing to comply with you and follow your lead right from the get-go?
Well, for one, women like and are excited by men who move fast (whom they also find attractive, of course), and moving fast like this helps make sure you miss as few escalation windows as possible and have as little time to make mistakes in as possible.
But the other reason is that your time is precious and if you get sucked into investing heavily into women who aren’t really all that into you, you’ll quickly find yourself stuck in their tar pits, pining away for girls who don’t feel the same way about you because you’re now so invested you can’t not lose.
All those small, low-effort forms of compliance we talked about when we discussed Remedy #1? You need to be doing those things with women immediately after meeting them. The more, the better.
In fact, if you can run your interactions to the point where they’re just one long chain of compliance demands and requests that gradually escalate into heavier and heavier forms of investment, you’ll rapidly find yourself becoming increasingly efficient at seducing new women into bed with you.
What’s It Take for Her to Say Yes?
Three things only:
- She has to like you, or like what you’re offering (value)
- She has to feel like she has a realistic chance with you (attainability)
- You have to have built some precedent for heavier compliance
Knock those out of the park, and the road to wrinkled bed sheets will be paved with bricks made of “yes!”
Read Part 2 in this series on compliance and investment here: “What If She Says No?”