How to Get Her to Say “Yes”


You meet a girl, and it’s going okay. She’s chatting with you, seems nice enough, and isn’t trying to pry herself away like those girls who really obviously aren’t into you do. Yet, she isn’t exactly throwing herself at you, either.

So, you decide to get some more investment from her; partly as a compliance test to see where you’re at, and partly also to ratchet up attraction by making her get a foot in the game too (instead of sitting on the bench watching you play).

To do this, you ask her to move a little ways with you: “Hey, let’s move over there, the lighting’s much better.”

But, she says no: “I’m comfortable here, I don’t want to move.”

get her to say yes

Gulp. What do you do now?

If you stay and keep talking as if nothing happened, you’ve yielded control of the interaction to her, and if experience has told you anything it’s that whatever chances you had before are sunk now.

Yet if you leave, the chance you’ll get another shot with her is not so hot; you can always reopen her later on, but there’s a good chance she’ll be gone or locked up in conversation with someone else by then, and you won’t exactly be riding back in on a majestic white horse at that point either. You’ll just be that guy she didn’t connect with earlier who circles back around for another shot.

As a third alternative, you could launch into a hard push... but she’s not that sold on you yet so you realize your chances of pulling this off are dim, and besides, you don’t really want to pull the nuke out of your arsenal this early on and launch into a battle of wills before the game is even afoot.

At this point, it may well seem like your interaction with her is all out of gas, and you’ve no choice left but to pull off the highway and hitchhike home.

But what if she says no and you respond another way?

Today’s article is the first of a three-part series on compliance that will teach you how to get compliance from women, how to deal with compliance requests being rejected... and how to deal with people asking for compliance from you, yourself:

Let’s begin.


Stopping “No” Before You Get It

Before we arm you with a few tools you can use when staring down the barrel of a “no” in Part 2, let’s talk prevention rather than cures.

Because when you’re good, you won’t get all that many “no”s (compared to where you were at when you started out, anyway). You’ll still get them, of course, and will get more whenever you’re pushing yourself outside your comfort zone to learn how to do new things with girls... but as that zone expands and you get better and smoother at doing and asking for the things you are, many of those “no”s will turn into “okay”s and even “yes”es.

And while a good chunk of that is related to improved fundamentals that make women just more inclined to say yes to anything you say, another big part of it is improved game.

That is, you know how to get the answer you want (instead of the one that you don’t).


Why She Says No: 3 Reasons

There are three (3) reasons she may say no to you when you make a request of her:

  1. You didn’t warm her up sufficiently. Just like foreplay and intimacy, you need to warm a woman up to saying yes to you with everything else, too. If she isn’t warmed up to what you’re about to ask her (if you ask for too much too soon), she’ll say “no” – often without even thinking about it much. It’s just a kneejerk, autopilot “shoot him down” reaction because she wasn’t ready.

  2. You didn’t ask in a way she’d like to say yes to. How you ask is every bit as important as what you ask; if someone asks you, “Would you like to go to a restaurant?” you’ll probably be pretty disinterested, but if someone asks you, “Would you like to go to this great breakfast joint where they have the most amazing flapjacks this side of the Mississippi?” you’re a lot more likely to assent. Salesmanship and the voice tone of your requests are key here.

  3. She simply doesn’t like you. This one’s actually the least frequent of these, because most people’s impressions of others are relatively neutral until you’ve either placed yourself on a pedestal or dug yourself into a hole. But sometimes you will meet a girl whom you just do not connect with at all. You may try to force yourself on with her because she’s pretty or because you want the experience, but if you’re paying attention to your gut, this feeling is usually pretty mutual – you’re not really all that into her either.

The first two reasons are remedied by fixing your approach to asking for investment.

The latter is worked around by asking for investment sooner and screening out the girls who just don’t like you.

Let’s look at how you do each of these.


Remedy #1: Warm Her Up More

You’ll probably want to test drive the car before you agree to sign a lease for it, right?

Similarly, every woman you meet needs to have you build up to greater amounts of compliance with her.

That means, you start with asking for little things first:

  • “Let me see your hand” --> inspect her bracelet
  • “The name’s Grant” --> hold out your hand for her to take it
  • “Here, move over a smidge so we don’t get run over”
  • “Tell me a little about yourself... you from here?”
  • Screen her and ask her to qualify herself
  • “Introduce me to your friends, we haven’t met yet”
  • “Give me your opinion on this: I’m...”
  • “How’s that food, any good? Mind if I have a bite?”
  • “So what’s the story on this pendant you’re wearing?”

Once you have some of these out of the way, you ask for bigger things:

  • “Let’s go grab a seat, it’ll be more comfortable”
  • “How about we head next door and get a bite to eat”
  • “I’d like to grab a bite or a drink with you sometime” --> ask her out
  • “Let’s sneak into this off-limits area; we won’t get caught, don’t worry”
  • Deep dive her and elicit her values
  • Kiss her in public (if you know what you’re doing)

And then once you have that, you ask for the really big stuff:

By going gradually and building up to heavier degrees of investment, you can avoid jumping the gun and spooking her before she’s ready.


Remedy #2: Ask Her in a Way She’ll Say “Yes” To

While the first of these two remedies – warming her up a little more gradually by asking for more compliance in smaller bits (instead of not asking for anything for a long time, and then suddenly asking for some huge investment) – is straightforward enough, this one is a bit more of an art.

How do you phrase and structure your compliance requests, demands, and commands in ways that make women more likely to say yes to you?

get her to say yes

There are several parts to this:

  1. Focus on the benefit. One of the key lessons you learn in sales and that you can never do well enough is to focus on the benefit to the buyer. Instead of “This computer has a great graphics card”, you’d say “This computer will make your games and graphic work look neater and crisper than you’ve ever seen it.” Same with girls; if you’re going to ask her to do something, the benefit must either be spoken (”Let’s sit down, it’ll be a lot more comfortable”) or implied (”Let me see your hand” said in a sexy voice by a sexy man – here, complying with such a man on a small thing like this is itself the benefit, because it moves the interaction with him forward in a little way she doesn’t have to think about, and that’s exciting for her).

  2. Oversell things. Don’t be afraid to oversell. “Wait, let’s stop in here – this place has the best hot chocolate in town.” Is it actually the best in town? Who knows? But if it’s good, that’s all that counts. Women aren’t looking for men who are computers, who only give 100% factually correct statements and answers. They want men who can make them feel, and taking things that are good and overselling them creates excitement and anticipation. “I know the best little dive bar in the neighborhood – you’re going to love it” or “This place serves incredible waffles” or “The decor where we’re going it out of this world... it’s just one of those places you have to experience at least once.”

  3. Be excited and committed. When you ask for (or demand!) things, ask for them with enthusiasm and conviction. The more you convey a genuine sense of “This is what we should do and must do”, the more willing she will tend to be to go along with it. Confidence does not equal success, but confidence does inspire more confidence... in others. Say what you will say as confidently as you can say it and you will get a better response.

  4. Use fun words. Words like “little” (”This little place...”), “amazing” (”Your ring is amazing, can I look at it?”), “incredible” (”Turn around for me for a second, those jeans are incredible... or maybe it’s just your figure... you tell me, any idea if that’s you or the jeans?”), “secret” (”This corner coffee shop is the best kept secret in this whole damn town”), etc. Make it colorful, and you will make it an adventure for her.

  5. Employ good voice tone. Your voice tone is especially important – it goes hand in hand with excitement and commitment in how you speak and deliver your compliance requests. I discussed this (and gave sample voice tones) in “Command Women (and Have Them Listen)”, so check that one out if you need examples or a refresher.

  6. Tap compliance stacking. Easy way to cram a bunch of investment into a short period of time? Just stack that compliance.

  7. Bust out the yes-ladder. If you don’t regularly break out the yes-ladder, you’re doing yourself a disservice, my friend. It’s one of the most fun, effective tools out there for getting her to yes.

This is where your skill really comes out to shine. The better you get at all of these, the more effective you are at asking for and receiving compliance from women (and men, too, when you need it).

If you’re using this and the other remedy well, you’ll find you start breezing through interactions on a regular basis, moving rapidly from one step to the next to the next, because each transition happens a lot more fluidly (from all the precedent you’ve established of her following your lead).


Screening Out “Do Not Like”s

The other remedy for dealing with “no”s later on into an interaction with a girl isn’t really a remedy per se, so much as it is a tool for shuttling yourself away from those women who are only being politely social... or only interested in you in the most platonic of ways.

The way you do this, of course, is to ask for compliance early and often.

This one’s counterintuitive for a lot of guys. “But what if she says no?” they ask.

That’s the thing. You want her to say no. If she’s the no-saying sort, that is.

Most men come from a mindset of, “I want to avoid doing anything that will make her say no, in order to give myself as long a time as possible to win her over... so that when I finally DO ask her something, she’ll say ‘YES’!”

Of course, they don’t actually plan on asking her anything until the cows come home... long after attraction’s expired and any escalation windows that might’ve been open have since closed and latched.

get her to say yes

Here’s the thing: if she likes you, she likes you – and that’s based largely on your fundamentals, a bit on your game, and on a few other intangible things like your identity as well (e.g., a gal who’s a bartender will tend to click with you a lot more if you’re also a bartender than she will if you’re an accountant or a shift manager at a fast food joint). And if she does, when you ask for compliance, even if it’s a little fast she’s usually not going to mind.

There are only a few reactions you can get when you ask for investment:

  1. “Yes!” She agrees and goes along with it enthusiastically. You’re in great shape.

  2. “Okay...” She agrees, but she’s still on the fence. Slow down a bit and work on building in more small compliance before asking for any greater investment again lest you want to run smack into ego depletion and it’s unwelcome cousin, auto-rejection.

  3. “I don’t think I should...” She’s unsure, but leaning toward saying “no.” In this case, you will generally want to respond by enthusiastically persisting in insisting that she comply, and then make sure you do a good job of rewarding her for her investment after so she feels good about throwing her lot in with you.

  4. “I can’t.” She’s firmer, but not dismissive. You have a judgment call to make here; if it’s something minor, you can drop it and move on with things; if it’s major, you’ll probably need to try persisting until you either hit a brick wall with her and it’s over, or until she scales that wall with you and you’re in good shape.

  5. “No thanks.” She’s super firm, and super disinterested... maybe even a tad dismissive. She’s not remotely interested. You have two options here: bow out gracefully and wish her a pleasant day or pleasant night, or take your shot at greatness and see if you can talk her into bed with you despite the fact that she clearly doesn’t like you.

We’ll talk a lot more about #s 3, 4, and 5 in the second part of this series, “What If She Says No?” For now though, for practical reasons, especially if you get a #4 or a #5, you can usually count on using these to screen out women who aren’t going to be good bets for your own investment of time, effort, and energy.

Why screen for women who are willing to comply with you and follow your lead right from the get-go?

Well, for one, women like and are excited by men who move fast (whom they also find attractive, of course), and moving fast like this helps make sure you miss as few escalation windows as possible and have as little time to make mistakes in as possible.

But the other reason is that your time is precious and if you get sucked into investing heavily into women who aren’t really all that into you, you’ll quickly find yourself stuck in their tar pits, pining away for girls who don’t feel the same way about you because you’re now so invested you can’t not lose.

All those small, low-effort forms of compliance we talked about when we discussed Remedy #1? You need to be doing those things with women immediately after meeting them. The more, the better.

In fact, if you can run your interactions to the point where they’re just one long chain of compliance demands and requests that gradually escalate into heavier and heavier forms of investment, you’ll rapidly find yourself becoming increasingly efficient at seducing new women into bed with you.


What’s It Take for Her to Say Yes?

Three things only:

  1. She has to like you, or like what you’re offering (value)
  2. She has to feel like she has a realistic chance with you (attainability)
  3. You have to have built some precedent for heavier compliance (investment)

Knock those out of the park, and the road to wrinkled bed sheets will be paved with bricks made of “yes!”

Always,
Chase


Read Part 2 in this series on compliance and investment here: “What If She Says No?

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Comments

Anonymous's picture

Difficult situation to play out


Hey Chase,

I just want to start by saying that I'm extremely greatful for your site and all of the great perspectives offered by the authors who write for girlschase. Specifically, it's refreshing to see someone take a logical approach to issues that are often only dealt with situationally and emotionally. Also, I can't help but mention that a lot of the personality traits encouraged here can be extremely beneficial outside of the dating game! Thanks for another great article.

Now, I'm currently in an odd situation with a girl that I can't feel out, and I'm wondering if you could weigh in. So I met this girl and went the usual routine of asking her out getting her number etc. Only problem is that logistical issues kept me from moving things forward quickly. I really have problems with this because I'm a college student living with several other guys and I just don't have a place to take things up a notch gracefully. Anyways, I pretty much accepted that my chances we're most likely shot after hanging out a few times and never getting to make a move. Deciding that she probably wasn't going to be worth my time and energy, I just friend zoned her and moved on.

However, things got complicated lol. After hanging out one night (she's a really awesome girl and I legitimately wanted to be friend with her anyways) she actually sort of hit on me haha. Seriously not expected at all on my end. We ended up sleeping together but didn't actually hav sex( not expecting it. Not prepared!). Anyways, I just played it off chill(too chill it turns out) and she did the same... Except now neither of us have even talked about it since! We've hung out since that time but like usual escalating is a logistical nightmare for me. On our last day of class I asked her if she wanted to go out that night and she said yes and seemed pretty excited and what not so I was thinking maybe I still have a shot with this girl lol. Then she cancels sort of last minute in a really nice way. Complicating things further, I had to leave town for a couple weeks and won't be seeing her till I get back.

My question is how in God's name do I tackle this one lol. I know it goes against the main style of getting women on this site, but this girl would be worth it. Part of me just says move on and chalk it up as a loss considering it seems like a long shot at this point. She sort of treats me like I'm friend zoned but also sort of like I'm a boyfriend candidate which has me sort of thrown off... Not to mention the accidentally overcoming the friend zone part haha. It just seems like a weird situation. Also a little unsure of how to handle phone game while I'm away. She's always texted really weird(stop texting right in the middle of a convo and stuff like that) and since phone game is the only thing I've got while away, I'm not sure to play it out. My current approach has been radio silence unless I have a legitmate reason to text her,and to just try again with asking her out when I get back. My only fear is putting in a lot more effort than usual and getting burned. Wondering what your take is on this one! Thanks!

Anon

David Riley's picture

Other Girls


Hey Anon,

In this situation it would be better for you to pursue more promising prospects in your area. Get your experience up with them, and should the girl be single when you get back to school, try again. I've gotten girls via social circle using this very method. The the thing about using phones is you're supposed to using them to set up dates. So as you mentioned, text her only if it's important. Also, mimic her response times, if she takes thirty minutes then you take thirty minutes or longer. When you're talking to other girls, you don't have to worry about getting burned because you have more options. You need to develop a mentality of abundance. I would place this girl on the back burner, even when you do come back. You need time to find what girls you're most compatible with. You can only accomplish by meeting a large number of women. Being a lover is the best bet to securing a girl, everything else falls short.

Take care,

Just Dave

Paul96's picture

Great article Chase, was gold


Great article Chase, was gold to me! Really appreciate it. I know this is off topic but is it possible you could do an article on age, should I lie about it? I am 17 and a lot of girls I meet who are really into me and likewise for me end up flaking once they find out my age, to me age is superficial and I just figured if girls know you're a 'lover' not 'provider' biologically they should still want to have sex with you and age shouldn't be an issue, I really don't want to limit myself to girls close to my age. Thanks Chase love the articles.

David Riley's picture

Noted!


Hey Paul,

I will let Chase and the other author's know about your request.

Just Dave

Troy's picture

Chase Amante`s Style to Mastery


Hello Chase

I haven't been on the main site a lot lately and reading your recent articles. I just finished catching up all way back to your article on Elliot Rodger. In that article you said that he ........What I don't understand is why did Elliot Rodger not simply buy pussy since he is well off financially. What do you think could be the reason behind him (and other guys) not just buying pussy when they really need it? He had a brand new car for his birthday present, a $300 sunglasses and lots of tours under his belt. It's seems crazy to me that even celebrities struggle with getting women. Why do you think this sort of thing happens to even guys like Elliot Rodger?

Also, I don't know if you mind, (just curious); you write a lot about how you were the guy in high school who everyone wanted to be seen talking to, a lot of girls showed interest in you and basically you were cool. I am a bit confused how everyone wanted to hang around you yet you still didn't have friends? Was it because you chose not to have friends or something else is going on?

Also, I tend to learn best from those who are my role models who I understand. Plus I think that if the other guys on here knew a little more about you and the other writers, then they would become more sold on your products and subscriptions; putting more money in your pocket. That's why I'm asking these questions to you. How long did it takes you to lose your virginity after starting learning to game girls vs. the amount of work put in? What age did you lose your virginity and what was the experience like? What were the biggest sticking points you faces as a engineer and how long did it take so overcome them?

Before I found Girls Chase, I read a lot of other pua sites and almost every guy talks about meeting women in bars and clubs; that is where they learned game. Chase, you recommend that day game is best to learn from. Quite a few puas also say the same. What I don't understand is why if you learned the majority of your game when you were a newbie at bars and clubs , you are recommending day game over bars, clubs, and night game.

If street game / day game is great for learning, then what are the top things you recommend me do since I routinely go out alone and am paralysed by anxiety? How do I open the girl? etcetera........( Just a few tips until an article is written on street game) Thank you! :-)

Troy

Troy's picture

Re: Chase Amante`s Style to Mastery


Just a few corrections in this comment here:

In the fourth line, third sentence, it should read

"
In that article you said, " just like Elliot, I’d worked hard to make myself into someone great, and instead I found myself standing there entirely left out." Elliott made himself into someone great? I read an article stating that he didn't even approach one girl. He just happened to be born as son of the hunger games head member and rich. I think that's one thing to be too rich. There are too many limitations to who you socialize with how free a person is. Just look at almost any uptown rich person. They have luxury but hardly anyone to share it with. Fancy apartments and big houses that put a big wall up to knowing the neighbour next door. Elliott Rodger didn't seem to know any girls but he had all the cash to at least get physical with them.

And the next correction is third paragraph,

" What were the biggest sticking points you faced as a beginner and how did you overcome them? What are the things you wish you did differently in high school that could have brought earlier success and happiness?

That's all

Troy

David Riley's picture

Not Just Sex


Hey Troy,

Elliot:
The biggest thing Eliot wanted was a girlfriend who could love him. He wasn't interested in just sex, like you mentioned he could easily obtained that at a price. Eliot was looking beyond that for something more. It's the very reason why guys like Eliot don't bother buying pussy. They keep holding out for that "One Special Girl". They believe by being the perfect gentleman, show casing themselves as a provider, and having money they will achieve that. Unfortunately, that's not what women want. Elliot was so dead set on that was indeed what women wanted, and he lost it. He ended up killing others before killing himself. He had been misguided for so long, he wasn't able to make his way back.

Clubs vs. Street Game:
Since those questions immediately apply to Chase I'll let him answer those. Anyway the reason why a lot of guys chose club game was because they knew women would be there. They didn't know about approaching women in the street. A lot of the discoveries about night game and women we're researched yet. Guys who had been struggling heard some guy was having success in clubs, so they went there. It wasn't until guys starting pursuing other avenues for the most part that they discovered the capabilities of street game. I recommend street game to newer guys because it's a lot less intimidating. Women are less on the defensive and have their walls down a little.

The part about street game is the a lot of guys aren't doing it. As a result women are surprised and more open to your approaches. In a club women know exactly why you're approaching them. When approaching someone on the street, it could be for any reason. Now, I'm not saying one is primarily better than the other it all comes down to preference. I work a lot during the day and travel during the weekend. Street game works best for me because I'm out in downtown during the lunch rush. It's also convenient because I have to wake up early. The competition is the club is extremely fierce, so it makes it easier if you have experience. Also, a lot of clubs have club fees, the street does not. There are pluses and minuses of both. However, I'm trying to keep this comment short and concise. I would say try out both tactics and see what works best for you.

Take care,

Just Dave

def's picture

I Find


I find all that "compliance stuff" equals to leading/being dominant. That's why women get such "attraction" feeling for the man who consistently leading her to the "best" places. (even if they're not :D).

Good article.

David Riley's picture

Natural Roles


Hey Def,

Good observation, women will let you get away with just about anything if she finds you sexy, strong, and dominant enough. Women enjoy meeting and interacting with attractive men. They naturally give into her biological needs and can't resist him.

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

Chase/Dave, I need help. I


Chase/Dave,
I need help. I tend to get nervous and uncomfortable too quickly
and I screw up everything. Worse, some guys that dislike me
in high school know about this and take advantage of it by making
me uncomfortable (during things like talking in front of the class etc..)
The thing is , when I get nervous, I can't think properly and I mess up everything.
So can you give me techniques not to feel uncomfortable, nervous and scared
while others are trying to get me down. This really sucks so any help will be most welcome.

David Riley's picture

Article Links


Hey Anon,

Check out these articles:

How to Stop Anxiety
Social Anxiety

Hope that helps,

Just Dave

greatness guide's picture

What happened to me?


A year back, I was amazing in participating class : All teachers would know me, joke with me,
all the students were respecting me, finding me cool, the pretty girls would flirt.
It was too good. I practically owned the class.
Now, a group of guys came in class. They are more good looking than me, have more charm and are liked by all the other students. Problem : They make fun of me. Maybe because I was the " popular " one, I don't know. Now, I find it hard to
participate in class like I once did. Even if I try to say something funny or make an
interesting remark ( things that I was amazingly good at before the guys came) , it
turns out to be far less powerful than before.
Things got worse : All teachers started forgetting me, the new teachers don't even know me, the students don't find me " cool " and certainly don't respect me, the pretty girls either ignore me of make fun of me.
It is really bad for me. I sometimes try to do like before, but I am afraid to speak.
I am scared about the other guys who would seize the opportunity to make fun of me.
As I talk, they watch me or already start laughing silently.
Here is it : I was THE BOSS and now I'm not and I don't know whether I am going ever to be again. I find it hard to entertain the class like I used to and it sucks as
not many guys could do what I used to do in terms of being " one of those guys"
and now I am like everybody else, too afraid to speak while some other guys
are the cool guys I once was.
I know I have it in me, this quality that made life in school so good. But I can't get
it out and its been more than a year now. Any chance that I become the cool, popular one again despite having all the other cool guys as rivals ?
And why, according to you, I got so shy at talking and saying interesting things to teachers, something that I used to excel at?
It is hard for me as I passed from being " different " to " the ordinary guys " with
no way back to whom I once was.
Sorry for writing so much but I had to get this out and maybe
find a solution to something I have been struggling for more than a year now.

David Riley's picture

Article Link


Hey Guide,

Check out this article from Chase detailing his experiences with being "cool".

Coolness Forumula

Just Dave

Slash's picture

Social Skills


Excellent article, and one that is what I would define as 'advanced social skills'.

I was wondering if we could have an article about basic social skills/social intelligence. Covering things like what they are, examples of bad social skills/social intelligence, why people tend to have bad social skills/social intelligence, and how they can be improved (or links to resources that can help us to improve them).

You talk about social intelligence a lot on here, and I've never been sure how good my skills/social intelligence is. Its been an insecurity for me because my I live in the middle of no where, and my parents aren't a particularly social people, so I didn't grow up with a chance to practise with a variety of people apart from at school. So i've always assumed my social skills weren't great, because I don't know what good or bad social skills are.

For instance, I have a friend who just agrees with what ever the other person says, even if he doesn't agree with it. He is very well liked, and people often want to hang with him again after meeting him. I have another friend who I see as a leader, but he tends to tell people what he really thinks. People don't tend to like him as much as the other guy. Which is one is it better to be? I would've thought a woman would find the latter more attractive due to confidence/dominance. But girls tend to go for the former (its not as black and white as that of course, the former is quite a pretty man, and the latter is quite a judgemental person)

Thanks!

David Riley's picture

Noted!


Hey Slash,

I will let Chase and the other authors know about this request.

Just Dave

Anonymous's picture

you break it down so well.


you break it down so well. what is previously a mystery becomes much clearer.

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