The post "Should You Pay for a Date?" is still, it appears, attracting its fair share of outrage from what seems mostly to be women, who don't like the fact that I'm recommending, based on my own experiences and all of those of every man I'm acquainted with whose tried both ways, that men not pay for their dates if they want better results with girls.
These commentators are protesting, of course, because doesn't fit with the way they think the world ought to work.
But I don't write this blog to talk to people about the way the world ought to work. It'd be great if men could just buy women dinner and women would automatically upon the completion of that romantic date then become the men's lovers, girlfriends, and wives immediately thereafter.
That's not what happens, though. And what this site is about is what does happen -- what works, what doesn't, and everything in between.
So let's settle this, then. I've decided to craft for you, today, the definitive post on how to get girls. After reading this post, your core questions on how to be successful with women are all going be answered -- and any of you ladies reading on here, buckle yourselves in because we're going to take an intensive, in-depth look at the way you choose the men you do.
The Boyfriend Dilemma
I have a subchapter in my detailed, information-packed how-to ebook on getting girls with this very title. I'm going to share a few of the opening paragraphs of that subchapter here, to clarify what the "boyfriend dilemma" -- a core concept you'll need grasp to fully appreciate what is to come in this post -- is all about:
“As you get better with women – smoother, more charming, sexier and more debonair – women will begin to recognize the success and good qualities about you. They will be more likely to think to themselves, “Wow, this guy is great,” and they will want to keep you for themselves and want you as a boyfriend.
This means, however, that women will also be more likely to resist fast intimacy with you. And a longer haul to get intimate means more work for you, more chances that things can go wrong, and less time to focus on other important things in your life, like business, travel, and leisure.
The more you improve yourself and your skills, the more you raise your desirability to women as a boyfriend, and the more they tend to want to develop a secure commitment.”
In other words, the more amazing you become, and the more women like you and appreciate you and see you as a wonderful guy, the more they're going to want to hang onto you as a potential boyfriend.
And the more they're going to want to hang onto you as a potential boyfriend, the more they're going to want to slow things down, put on their best faces, and make sure you see them as fully 100% commitment-worthy.
That means, of course, that they can't be too honest about their pasts with you. They can't be too honest about their own selves with you. And they definitely can't go to bed with you too fast... lest you come to view them as loose, easy, or worse.
The instant a woman starts viewing you as a potential boyfriend, and believes she can have you as a boyfriend, she puts the brakes on everything. She's got to be careful not to mess this up.
And what happens when someone slows things down, tries not to mess up, and puts a lot of pressure on themselves?
They muck it up, almost always. It almost never ends well.
Our female readers make a good point when they protest that they like guys who pay for them more. Because they really do -- they do like those guys more!
They like them so much that they might consider them for a relationship.
Which means, of course, that they're certainly not going to go and be so foolish as to hook up quickly with a guy like that. That'd be silly and wasteful. Losing a perfectly good long-term relationship candidate for a night of passion and pleasure.
That's the boyfriend dilemma. That's what I'm talking about, and that's why, among many other topics we've discussed on this site, paying for things for a woman makes it less likely that the two of you get together.
It's not because women like you less for it, which seems to be what the female commentators on this blog think I'm saying.
It's because they like you more.
Pete, Jerry, and Sue: A Love Triangle
Before we continue, I want to discuss why it's so important that you learn to move quickly -- expeditiously, even -- with women. To illustrate the concept, I'll tell you a story: the story of a woman named Sue, and the two wonderful, attractive men she's met -- both of whom like her and both of whom decide to pursue her.
The two men Sue's met are Jerry, a charming, quick-witted salesman who makes a middle-class income, and Pete, a charismatic, brilliant investment banker pulling down six figures.
On her first date with Pete, the investment banker, Sue gets treated to a wonderful, fancy dinner. Pete picks her up in his sports car, wines her and dines her at the finest, classiest restaurant in town, and regales her with fantastic tales of travel to exotic locations abroad and high adventure. At the end of the night, Pete drops Sue off at her apartment, gives her a peck on the cheek, and wishes her goodnight.
The next day, Pete gets swamped with work, and in any event he's heard it's good to let girls sit and wonder for a while first anyway, so rather than jump and plan the second date right away, he decides to wait a bit. He's a little nervous anyway; he really likes this girl and doesn't want to mess it up. He's thinking maybe a week later, he'll see Sue again, and charm her even more. It sounds like the perfect plan.
But now Sue goes out with Jerry.
Jerry doesn't have Pete's sports car. He can't take Sue to a fancy dinner. And his most exciting stories are about the time he got arrested for public drunkenness, and that fight he got into trying to save his buddy who'd hit on the wrong guy's girl.
Jerry meets Sue at a café not far from his apartment, and they sit and chat for about two hours. Sue's still riding the buzz from her date with Pete, and likes him quite a lot, and is dreaming of what a spectacular wedding she and Pete will have. She's thinking about what it'd be like to be Mrs. Pete. Meanwhile, Jerry's doing a good enough job making her laugh a little and just generally being a charming, sexy guy. Sue doesn't see much of a future with Jerry, but that's okay.
The two of them end up back at Jerry's place, and one thing leads to another and they sleep together. Jerry's quite charming, and quite good in bed, and after their first time being intimate, they have some dinner, and then Jerry takes Sue to bed again.
Sue goes home, and now she's flooded with the potent emotions that came from that fast, incredible date with Jerry. Even though he'd just been okay on the date, the powerful ending of that date that found the two of them going to bed a few times has left her feeling like he's a pretty incredible guy to make a girl like her want to sleep with him so fast. And when he texts her a few days later and asks her if she'd like to spend more time together, of course she says "yes."
Meanwhile, it's been a week since Pete's first date with Sue, and he decides it's time to ask her out again. This time, Pete invites Sue to see that new play in town -- he figures it'll be a great outing for the two of them. Sue agrees, and again he picks her up and drives her to the play.
Sue and Pete sit there during the play, and while Sue still likes Pete, the emotions that intimacy with a new partner creates are swirling crazily in her head as she thinks obsessively about Jerry. She can't wait to see him again, and she spends most of her date with Pete fantasizing about her next night with Jerry. At the end of the date, again, Pete drives Sue home, gives her a peck on the cheek, and bids her goodnight.
Sue sees Jerry a few more times over the next week, and they have some fun conversations, Sue cooks Jerry some food at his apartment, and they go to bed each time, Sue waking up the next morning feeling wonderful. Then, after another week has passed, Pete asks her on another date. Sue debates, not sure if she wants to go -- but Pete's such a great guy, she'd feel bad about saying no. So she says okay.
This time, Pete takes Sue back to his apartment, and cooks her a three course meal. He's truly an exceptional cook, and his apartment is splendidly well-appointed. He has candles on, and romantic music playing in the background. After dinner, he goes for the kiss. Sue pushes him away.
"Pete," she tells him, "you're great, but this is way too fast for me."
Pete's a little taken aback; it's the third date -- he thought that was the rule. Take a girl out on three dates, and on the third date you get together. But now Sue was telling him it was still too soon.
Pete drives Sue back to her place, fishes for a kiss again, but only ends up getting another peck on the cheek. He tries calling her and texting her to meet up over the next week, but she's evasive. She never has time for him anymore.
He doesn't know why, but we do: it's because she's with Jerry, and she's falling for him. Eventually, Jerry decides he likes Sue a lot, and he makes her his girlfriend. Pete spends the next few months still texting or calling Sue occasionally, and she's always polite but never all that interested. He leaves scratching his head, wondering what happened.
What did happen?
Why the Man Who Moves Fast Finds Success
There are two major factors at play in that story above that determined the outcome for Pete and Jerry with Sue. Did you spot them?
In case you didn't, here they are:
1) How fast each man moved to get Sue in bed and make her "his," and
2) How hard each man worked to establish his long term potential.
Mainstream society -- including most women -- will tell you you ought to move slow, be gentlemanly, and show a woman what a great, fantastic option you'll be for the long-term.
Great advice, except...
It doesn't work!!!
So many men out there end up like Pete, having spent so much time, money, and heartache thinking they know how to get girls, trying so hard to get girls, then ending up wondering how on Earth they failed to succeed.
They never realize that that combination of taking things too slow, coupled with positioning themselves as exceptional candidates for the boyfriend position, is, the vast majority of the time, a love-life death sentence.
If you ask a woman if women like bad boys or if they like cads, she's going to tell you no, not at all.
And yet you keep hearing women complaining how they keep ending up with those bad men they don't like.
This confuses regular guys to no end. They don't get it.
But the reason why the "bad boys" -- guys like Jerry, our salesman from the story above -- end up with girls: it's because they avoid getting themselves slotted as boyfriends women must move carefully with, and they move fast with women and get women in bed.
Period. A girl's not yours until you've been intimate with her a few times. Until then, she's on the market, and she's waiting for someone to come snap her up.
Think about these scenarios:
- A man's wining and dining a woman once a week, but hasn't taken her to bed yet.
- A man's writing songs and love letters to a girl, but hasn't taken her to bed yet.
- A man goes on shopping trips and watches movies with a girl, but hasn't taken her to bed yet.
Now ask yourself... out of ANY of those scenarios... how many of those men do you think will STILL get the girl if a guy like Jerry comes along and sweeps her off her feet and takes her to bed and sees her a few more times before those guys ever make a move?
The guy who's wining and dining her isn't going to steal her away from Jerry.
The guy who's writing sonnets to her isn't going to steal her away from Jerry.
The guy who's her shopping pal isn't going to steal her away from Jerry.
The man who takes a woman to bed is the man who gets her. Plain and simple. So, romance is great, being gentlemanly with women is nice, but you've got to, got to, got to make getting girls in bed your top priority if you want the best percentage chance you can get with them.
And avoiding the boyfriend designation -- prior to intimacy, anyway -- is a big part of helping you get there as fast as possible. Women don't like men who fail their boyfriend criteria as much -- but it's still very possible they like them enough to end up in bed with them. And once you're taking a girl to bed, if you decide you want her as a girlfriend after all, you've got a hell of a better chance of having her as that than the guy who's still chasing after her.
How to Get Girls with Ridiculous Consistency
When I first started learning how to get girls 6 years ago, I didn't realize that speed and avoiding the boyfriend designation were key. I thought the keys were to be as interesting as you possibly could, to show women what an incredible, amazing guy you were, and to disarm their fears that all you wanted with them was to go to bed and that's it.
I look back at that now, and all I can think is... how silly of me! No wonder I used to flounder around so much. *head slap*
You must move fast with women. And you must avoid the boyfriend designation (while still being a likeable enough guy). Let's look at some of the ways you'll best be able to do both things -- we'll start with moving fast with women:
Moving Fast with Women
- Sparking conversation with new women with statements of genuine interest: this is stuff like, "I saw you walking here, and I had to come tell you that you have the most incredible sense of style I've seen all day. I'm Jake." This gets you moving quickly off the bat -- women know what you're about, and they know you're not going to beat around the bush. Lower opening percentage than the women you open with stuff like, "Can you tell me where the fancy clothing store is?" but God, the women it does open are so much more into you.
- Exchanging names right away: I find it hard to believe there's even a debate on this. Some guys think it's better to not tell a girl your name until she asks... then you know she really likes you, goes the thinking, and plus you make her work for it. No, throw this out. Exchange names so you're not strangers, right away. Then you can start getting to know each other from the outset and it isn't awkward.
- Get to know her ASAP: a few boring questions are fine so long as you're directing those questions toward deep diving and getting to know the most important things about a girl: wants, dreams, hopes, passions. Most guys go for facts (what do you do, where do you live, how long have you been in town, etc.), and that stuff's good... but only as a jumping off point! You need to use those things to get to the substance of who she really is -- not get caught up in them, like most men do (to their great detriment).
- Move her ASAP: until you've moved a girl somewhere, you're still just some guy she's having a casual conversation with. Once you've moved her, and she's gone with you, you're now a guy she's committing her time and effort into and actively working to get to know. Ask her to move -- either to stand somewhere more comfortable or less noisy, or to grab a seat, or to walk in your direction, or to just walk around in general -- within 3 to 5 minutes at the most, typically. If she won't move with you in 3 to 5 minutes of meeting you, she probably won't do anything else with you, either.
- Get contact information fast: you should grab a girl's follow up information within a few minutes of meeting her, provided you're going for it at all. Check out the post on "Natural Number Swapping" for more on doing that easily and smoothly. Then, continue on with the conversation as if nothing'd happened once you have her follow up info.
- Take her home soon, or end the interaction: if you see my interactions with women, you'll notice that these days I mostly either take a girl home within 30 minutes of meeting her, or I grab her follow up information and I end the interaction within 10 minutes of meeting her. I highly recommend you work to get your numbers to a similar place -- spending excess time with a woman doesn't help you attract her more. It just increases the chance that you make a mistake somewhere along the line and lose her.
- Set up a date within days of meeting her: you should aim to see a girl the next day or at least within 2 to 3 days of first meeting her. This significantly increases the odds she says "yes" and agrees to meet you, and that she still has some strong, good memories tied to your first encounter.
- Simplify your dates: there's really no reason for fun or fancy dates, unless you're looking for a friend rather than a lover. Keep it simple and keep the focus on you and her, and the two of you getting to know each other, rather than on the things that you're doing.
- Invite her home: you should do this within 2 to 3 hours maximum of being on a date with a girl. Thinking that you'll see her on a second date is getting you very dangerously close to boyfriend-candidate territory (more on that in a second), so work to get her home on Date #1 if at all possible.
- Make a move and escalate physically: nothing worse than taking a girl home, not making a move, and her leaving after an uneventful night. She leaves frustrated and disappointed, and you end up kicking yourself, angry for not taking action and quite probably losing that girl forever. Instead, set a timer for yourself -- no girl's allowed alone with you for more than 10 minutes without getting kissed.
And, for avoiding landing up in potential-boyfriend-no-man's-land:
Avoiding the Nomination to Boyfriend Candidacy
- Be a sexy man: this one makes you more desirable as a fast partner, and makes you seem more like potentially a "bad guy," thus downgrading your eligibility for long-term consideration.
- Don't be overly sympathetic: most guys, when girls give them a sob story, take the, "Aww, no, that's so horrible," tack and get a really sympathetic puppy dog voice and try to make it clear how sorry they are. Don't do that. Instead, be sympathetic with your words, but neutral in your tone of voice. "That's horrible, I'm sorry that happened," said with an almost neutral tone, followed with something like, "Well, look on the bright side: it's in the past and you're doing absolutely fine now. What cool stuff are you working on these days?" makes it clear you want to focus on good, empowering stuff, and not dwell on tragic stuff like guys trying to be a girl's boyfriend will.
- Be humble and don't try to be too impressive: most guys on dates go overboard trying to be really cool, impressive, and magnificent, so women see how incredibly amazing they are. What ends up happening with this is either A) they come off really fake and annoying, or B) they do an effective job, and seem so amazing that women slot them into boyfriend territory and slow things down so as not to risk losing them. Use humbleness and self-deprecation the right way to take the edge off of your impressiveness.
- Actively disqualify yourself as a boyfriend: telling a girl you don't plan on staying in the town you're in for long -- that you'll move on in search of adventure or business or whatever soon -- does an incredible job of this. In my mind, it's quite frankly the best one out there -- although hard to use if you're not planning on moving around much. If it isn't the case for you that you are, try telling women that you think relationships are wonderful, but only once you've gotten your career established and have the time to focus on them, or once you've reached this milestone or that age or what have you. Make it clear you're not against relationships -- you're just not in the position to get into one right now.
- Move fast. What one thing do guys who want a girl as a girlfriend not do? They don't move fast! They take it slow and be careful and try not to lose her. In moving fast, you communicate to a woman you're not treating her like a potential girlfriend -- thereby greatly increasing the chances she thinks to herself, "Screw it, I like this guy, but he's not going to be my boyfriend, so what the hell, let's get together," and, ironically, greatly increasing the chances you actually get her as a girlfriend if you want her as a girlfriend.
You know, the funny thing about those two lists of things you need to do if you want to get girls with a high degree of consistency is probably about half or more of that flies completely in the face of what you'll hear from mainstream society on romance and dating.
Like, they're polar opposites. No comparison.
Mainstream society tells you you ought to move slowly and be a gentleman. I'm telling you what I've found to be the secret to how to get girls is moving fast and being relatively unsympathetic. It just works better... way better.
Mainstream society tells you you should be impressive and dazzle women with fancy dinners and displays of wealth and tales of high adventures. I'm telling you to be humble, get her doing the talking instead of you, and leave your Rolls-Royce at home (get her to pick you up, actually, if at all possible. I did this back when I had a beautiful black Mercedes-Benz E320 with a leather interior, and my close rate when girls picked me up was remarkably higher than when I picked them up in my gleaming Benz... boyfriend material with the Benz, not so much when she's the one chauffeuring you around).
Mainstream society tells you to that if you want a girl as a girlfriend, you're better off waiting until the third date -- or much later! -- to make a move. I'm telling you that if you want her as a girlfriend, the first date's probably the latest you ought to go for it, or else risk losing her to fading attraction or some faster-moving competition.
These are the realities of the world, and if you respect them, understand them, and take them under heavy consideration, you can empower yourself to find incredible, consistent, surprising amounts of success.
And not everybody's going to like that. Women aren't going to like that -- they want you to play nice and stick around even though you aren't lovers. Other men aren't going to like that -- so long as you're not moving too fast and not playing too hard, you're no more competition than anybody else. It's only when you start succeeding consistently -- and start wearing the vibe around you that you do -- that other men start to panic and attack.
I used to feel like those guys occasionally. I used to look at the bad boys women were ending up with, and think to myself, "If only she was with me... I'd treat her so much better."
But you know what?
My girlfriend right now... she's beautiful, intelligent, educated, tons of fun, with a vivacious personality, and she's had all of two lovers before me. Pretty conservative girl. She had a lot of men chasing after her when I met her -- men like Pete in our story above. Men with much better careers than me, who wined her, dined her, took her on shopping expeditions, treated her to movies.
All I did was talk to her for a few minutes at the train station, have her come to a café near my place two days later, spent a couple hours talking to her there, then took her upstairs and took her to bed, just as I had a number of other women in the weeks immediately prior to sleeping with her. And once we'd gone to bed, it was extremely easy to transition her into being my girlfriend.
Now, many of those guys who were pursuing her before are still pursuing her. They don't realize she has a boyfriend -- she doesn't bother telling them anything. They can't figure out why she won't see them. They don't understand why, after they invested so much time, and money, and effort into her, they still can't get her.
But I do. And hopefully, if I've done a good job with this post, you do too.
Being nice, and paying for things for women, and trying to be impressive to them isn't how to get girls. Moving fast and not getting considered a boyfriend nominee before you take a girl to bed -- that is.
Hope this has been insightful and eye-opening for you. It's a lot of stuff that, had I realized it 6 years ago, I'm confident I would've had an even more explosive ride to where I am now. But man, it's been fun getting to where I've gotten to, I'll tell you that much.