The Real Reason Many Men Can't Get a Girl

can't get a girlWhy is it that most men can't seem to get what they want with women? How come so many men can't get a girl?

A few months back, a friend of mine asked me to author a post on leading women. I put it off for a while, because it's not as sexy a topic as, say, opening or locking in or overcoming objections or dating. Leading's just... a little vague, as far as topics go.

Yes, it's good to be an alpha male, and it's good to have a set process you follow, and to move on fast if a girl isn't following along. But how's that all come into play in a cohesive strategy for getting success with women?

If you'd like to achieve anything resembling consistent, reliable success with women, you're quickly going to realize that leaving things purely up to chance isn't going to cut it. "God helps those who help themselves," goes the saying -- which, boiled down, quite basically means that good things come to the people who go out and actively bring good things into their lives.

In other words, success comes to those who engineer that success.

But still, most folks don't bother engineering anything approximating success. Most average folks sit around waiting for success to find them. And it never does.

For success with women to start occuring for a guy, that has to change for him. So what's it take to advance an average man who can't get a girl into a man who consistently can?

Well, among other things, it takes this: he's got to be leading women.


Some People Get What They Want

When I first moved to Washington, D.C., I started meeting people from all over the world. My girlfriend was from South America. My best friend was from Asia. Another good friend of mine was from Africa.

One of the most interesting things you quickly come to realize about people from less developed countries is, they're used to being totally self-reliant: they stand up for themselves, fight and scrap and claw for what they want, and refuse to take "no" for an answer.

Me, when I first started meeting international people though, I wasn't like that at all myself. Most folks in the West aren't, I find.

Growing up in the West, you're largely told to follow the plan, and everything will be taken care of for you. "Go to school, get a good job, and buy lots of stuff, and everything will be fine."

A business screws you over? Vote with your dollar by not going back.

Somebody says something that offends you? He's sexist, racist, ageist, or a bigot of some sort or another. Cut that person out of your life and move on.

There's a strong culture of, "Don't worry, the State will protect you! Just walk away from conflict!" in the West, and what you tend to get as a result is reasonably passive people. Not all the time -- there are a good amount of go-getters in the West too -- but a lot of the time, denizens of the West are more content and thus a lot more passive than their third world counterparts.

Because it's different in the third world. There, you have to go after what you want -- ruthlessly -- because nobody gives it to you.

Well, as well as the Western system works for a lot of people, for me the system didn't work. I saw plenty of other guys happy with their desk jobs and their good-enough girlfriends, so I guess it works for some. But me, my job, while paying me quite well, bored the hell out of me, and I had no girlfriend to speak of. The system had failed me.

So, I rejected it. I decided to become like all those people from the third world I'd met, and I learned from them, and I emulated them. As I did, I became bolder, more assertive -- I became, more and more, a leader. I'd set out to figure out why I couldn't get a girl, and fix it, and as I focused on becoming more like my third world friends who seemed so adept at getting their ways, I quickly found that my lack of assertiveness was a gigantic factor in my plentiful failings to that point with women -- far more so than I'd previously realized.

Back then, I'd:

  • Give up on something after a single rejection;
  • Never push or pursue the things I wanted;
  • Never go out on a limb and ask for stuff in fear of being turned down;
  • Assume that people didn't want to give me what I wanted to get.

I'd have businesses rip me off, and I'd fight a little, and then I'd just throw my hands up in the air and walk away. I'd have people be rude to me, and I'd try to deal with it, then just fold and accept it.

And it wasn't that I was afraid of failure, necessarily.

It was that I'd never been taught how to get what I wanted.

But other people, one way or another, seemingly had. So, I decided to figure out what it was they knew that I didn't, and I decided to learn from them.

can't get a girl


Decisiveness: Extremely Necessary for Leadership

The biggest thing I noticed between my international friends and my domestic friends was that my international friends absolutely, positively knew where they were going and pursued those ends with a laser-like focus.

I think it's very possible to have your basic needs met in the West and really not need to pursue anything else all that hard. Abundant, tasty food; decent, relatively easy jobs for anyone who wants one (compared to what they do for work -- for a lot less money, no less -- in the third world); rafts of consumer goods; and easy escapism in movies, TV, video games, and the Internet.

No scraping and struggling; no haggling; no fighting for survival, or just to get the things you want.

Life's pretty easy in the West, relatively speaking.

Unfortunately, that means we don't learn how to set solid targets and decisively push for the things we want -- and that is absolutely, positively, unavoidably a necessary trait for leadership.

That's why so many guys can't get a girl. Because a girl isn't going to just hand herself to a guy on a silver platter; it doesn't work that way. Women want to be led.

But most guys in the West can't lead.

Back when I was trying to figure out why I was so bad at leading, I hit upon a core reason: I didn't really have a specific objective in mind. I didn't know what I wanted.

I really think this is what plagues most men, and it's the root cause of most men's failures with women. They don't know what they want, so they end up all over the place.

"Maybe I'll talk to that girl from class sometime"

they think. Or

"Hey, maybe she'll like it if we go to the movies"

There's no objective in there. The guy isn't going for anything concrete; he just knows that he likes girls, he likes this girl, and maybe if he talks to her or takes her to the movies that will be good... in some... undetermined... way.

Now, it'd be great if you could just kind of go out and do stuff and suddenly money would fall into your lap.

And it'd be great if you could kind of sort of just mess around with like talking to girls and trying to do something fun with them and then suddenly you've got incredible success with women.

Heck, it'd be cool if you could go to work and kind of amble about and work on stuff here and there and before you know it they're promoting you to something two positions above where you started out at.

But it doesn't work that way.

You need to have a specific, concrete, crystal clear objective that you're aiming for to guide your actions. Otherwise, you'll end up meandering around, which can be fun and relaxing, but I'll eat my hat if random wanderings ever produce anything close to consistent results.

Wandering just doesn't cut it.


Leadership and the Man Who Can't Get a Girl

We talk about being a guy who moves fast and closes deals with women a lot on here. The primary determinant of a man's ability to do this is his ability to lead.

You can have a man who's a skilled conversationalist, who knows how to come across smooth, charming, and charismatic, and who people just absolutely love, but if he can't lead he can't get a girl. Period.

Why? Because... well...

It's unpopular to say in the West, but men are leaders and need to be leaders. Women like men who are leaders, and despise men who are followers. If you ask girls, they'll often deny this; they like men who listen to them and do what they ask the most! At least that's what they'll say.

Then you'll notice those men they like the most are their platonic guy friends who do everything for them, while those bad boys they don't like at all are their lovers and boyfriends.

Don't believe this to be so? Okay, try this:

  • First, go out on three dates with three different girls, and tell them, "What we do is up to you; anything you want to do, I'll do it with you."

  • Next, go out on three more dates with three more, different girls, and tell them, "How about we do this and this and that. Work okay for you?"

You're generally going to find that women from the first category of dates are going to be a little nicer and friendlier. Meanwhile, women from the second category of dates are going to be a lot more interested in you and a lot easier to become turned on and want things to progress.

This is deep in human biological wiring, and you can't fight it. Men dominate, women submit. Men who submit instead of dominate get flung so far into the friend zone they eventually just accept that as their perennial role with the women in their lives.

When I first realized this, it was kind of a hard awakening. I thought I'd be able to take it easy and just have things happen with women "naturally."

But things don't "just happen." They only seem like they "just happened" to the person who was submitting to the other and letting that other person call the shots and be in control.

And the instant you realize that, that's the instant you're able to start becoming the guy who makes things "just happen."

I used to have something I'd always tell to guys when I noticed them waiting around for a girl to do something or make a decision. I'd tell them,

"You're the man. YOU must lead."


How to Lead Women Like the Pied Piper

can't get a girlYou might be surprised, but true leadership isn't just about telling people what to do.

There's a lot more to it than that.

Most people imagine a false dichotomy when they think of leadership. They think that telling someone to "be a leader" is the same as telling him to be a jerk who calls all the shots and controls an interaction with an iron fist.

But being a jerk with an iron fist only gets you so far, and with the most confident, attractive, socially savvy women, it ends up falling flat.

You've got to have nuance, and you've got to have real depth as a leader.

So without further ado on my part, here're the tools you need to start leading women with great effectiveness right now.

  1. Know where you're going. A leader always has a plan, even if that plan is just to get others' opinions to help him form an idea. As the man in charge, you've either got to be telling women what's going to happen next, or asking, in a very strong way, for their thoughts on the possible choices.


    "All right Kylie, let's go swing by the liquor store to grab something to drink, and then we'll go relax and watch a movie."

    "Well Leigh, we can either go down and check out the ocean while we wait for the bus to get here, or we can sit here and talk. Any preference?"
    are both okay because they present a clear path (without being overbearing) and make it easy for the girl to follow along. On the other hand,

    "Nancy, what do you think we should do now?"
    is not okay, because it doesn't lead. You need to primarily be thinking logistics -- basically, "How can I get the two of us alone together as quickly as possible?" Women respond better to men who are moving them quickly and expeditiously forward along a path toward the two of them getting progressively closer and eventually getting physical together, and quickly get bored and end dates with men who seem to just be aimlessly wandering through the date without an objective or set path.

  2. If you don't know where you're going, improvise or ask for logistics. Sometimes you really don't know what happens next, logistically. What you do then depends on where you are in the interaction.

    If you've just met a girl, you need to be strongly decisive. You may not be sure what happens next logistically, but you tell her, "Let's grab a seat," and then the two of you walk over to a bench and sit down. Just focus on continually moving her every so often as you sort out your logistics, and you'll be fine.

    Normally, you want to be the one steering the logistics. But if she seems like a pretty sexually experienced woman and she seems noticeably interested in you, and you're at a loss for logistics, you can ask her to help you decide. In that case, you might say, "Gosh, I really like spending time with you, Jesse... I wish we could keep spending time together," as the night draws to a close. If she doesn't seem to be getting the hint, you can throw in, "So my place is a little crowded with friends over there right now -- what's your living situation look like?" and then invite yourself over to her place. "All right, why don't we go kick it at your place before we call it a night?"

  3. A great leader is a great manager of emotions. True leaders are great leaders because they know how to take care of others emotionally. This means using their skills as a conversationalist to guide and direct the emotional ebb and flow of the conversation. Using deep diving to create a strong connection, fast; and building women up and making them feel good and empowered, while simultaneously fully understood.

    The vast, vast majority of people out there are utterly not in control of their emotions, and they're forever grateful to those select few individuals who are able to impact them emotionally and guide them to good feelings, more productive mindsets, and realistic encouragement.

    One example of this so you'll know what I'm talking about: when she's feeling a little down, get her talking about what she likes about her life. e.g.:

    Her: I just don't know what I want to do with my life.

    You: All right, well, what are you good at?

    Her: I'm good at painting, and dance, and writing.

    You: A lot of artistic stuff. And are you doing any of that regularly now?

    Her: No, I'm not.

    You: How are you spending your time?

    Her: Mostly at work.

    You: Mostly at work doing paralegal stuff.

    Her: Right.

    You: Okay. So what if you started painting again in your spare time? What if you made one painting a week, and started showing your paintings in local exhibitions?

    Her: That could be fun...

    You: What if you started a website where you wrote five days a week about whatever you most like writing about? What if you started taking dance lessons again, in a form of dance you haven't mastered yet?

    Her: You're right...

    You: You can start doing the things you want, whenever you want. If you're only doing stuff you don't want to do, of COURSE you're going to get frustrated!

    Her: Wow, you're so right.

    This is just a great thing to do with people in general. It only takes a few minutes to help people get some exciting ideas about how they can effect meaningful change in their lives and get themselves back on track, but they bind to you fast when you do.

  4. Leaders talk about themselves little, except to teach or relate. If you've ever heard people talk about meeting Bill Clinton, the former US president, they always mention how warm they felt instantly talking to him. He'd ask them about themselves, express genuine interest, and perhaps relate a short tale back to what they'd said.

    Most people try to brag, or showboat, or one-up, or dazzle others with their accomplishments. Leaders don't do this, primarily because once you reach a certain degree of accomplishment, you start so far outclassing everyone else you meet that you either toss them into auto-rejection right off the bat, or else force them into a competition where they're trying to one-up you.

    Instead, show interest in others and reduce talking about yourself only to things that will facilitate the conversation and the connection -- as opposed to trying to bolster how impressive they perceive you being, like most folks do.

  5. A leader is constantly moving things forward. Whether conversationally or logistically, leaders are busy people and they don't have much time (or tolerance) for treading water. For that reason, they're constantly moving things forward.

    What's that mean? It means that, in conversation, you should be:

      •  Quickly moving off of bad topics, boring topics, and finished topics
      •  Prioritizing emotional connections over factual discourse
      •  Focusing on getting to know her rationale and background fast

    Which means the following are superior choices:

    "That's too bad. Well, anything good happen to you today?"
    "How do you like doing that?" "What would you rather do instead?"
    "How'd you end up where you are right now?"
    And moving things forward logistically means this:

      •  Never settling into staying in one place physically for too long
      •  Planning several moves ahead logistically (what comes after this?)
      •  Moving fast with women from open to close

    Which means you should be thinking:

    "It feels like we've been standing here too long... time to move."
    "We'll hit up that tea house, chill an hour, then back to my place."
    "If she won't move with me within 10 minutes, I'll grab a number and move on."

Seem like a lot to remember?

Never fear -- you can really boil all this down to a handful of key points to remember:

  • Know where you're going
  • Make sure she's feeling good
  • Help her to relate to you, and you to her
  • Keep you both on-target and headed steadily to where you're going

Most men don't do these things, because they're too worried about themselves and how they're coming off to take the time to manage the girl and manage the interaction. That's why most men can't get a girl, or really struggle to.

When you start actively managing women and actively managing the interaction and the process -- like how my third world friends manage just about everything in their lives -- that's when it all starts getting really easy, and really clear.

All the confusion and anguish about trying to figure out how to get girls and failing disappears. Suddenly you're no longer trying to showcase and being judged inadequate; now you're actively managing things and when you fall short, you've got metrics to check and places you know you can adjust.

She got uncomfortable and left too soon? Either she didn't feel like you knew where you were going, it didn't feel like you were actively taking her there, you didn't properly manage her emotions, or you didn't get her feeling like the two of you were connecting.

She got to the point of being ready to go home with you, but a little too much time passed and she ended up going home alone? You didn't keep the two of you on-target and moving forward steadily and quickly enough.

You can use these leadership metrics as a guide for figuring out where you're messing up; and make tweaks accordingly.

Cool, huh?

Anyway, that's how I'd break down and codify leadership and leading. If you're not sure where to start, I know what I struggled with for a while, and what I still see most guys struggling with, is knowing where to go.

So the next time you find yourself somewhere semi-aimlessly doing something without a clear goal in mind... take 30 seconds and iron out what is you're there for. That exercise alone might make all the difference between an unfulfilling night, and one in which you meet an exceptional woman who's everything you were hoping to find.

Chase Amante

Chase AmanteAbout the Author: Chase Amante

Chase woke up one day in 2004 tired of being alone. So, he set to work and read every book he could find, studied every teacher he could meet, and talked to every girl he could talk to to figure out dating. After four years, scads of lays, and many great girlfriends (plus plenty of failures along the way), he launched this website. He will teach you everything he knows about girls in one single program in his Mastery Package.


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M's picture

Interesting thoughts, Chase.
I have a question.
What if your genuine desire for date1 is just to talk to her, be a bit sexual, and enjoy yourself with intention to escalate harder and invite her home on date2?
Is that date1 "doing something without a clear goal in mind", or I'm missing the point?

Had that situation a week ago. Went on a date, everything went really good and chill, she was a bit shy, laughing nervously and I didn't want to escalate too hard on date1, after some previous experiences.
She called me next day after the date. I sent her a couple of perverted messages. Then she invited me to go clubbing, I declined and invited her to meet later. After that.. she ignores me. Maybe she got laid that night, who knows, who cares. I think I learned a lesson to always at least try to invite girls home on date1/from club no matter the result. It doesn't make her wonder what your intentions are and it makes her comfortable. The results seem to be always worse when you think you'll do it later.

Thanks for articles, always interesting.

Chase Amante's picture

Thanks for the kind words, guys. Much appreciated, and very glad you liked the post.

M, regarding your question about direction on the date and that specific girl-

Those intentions for Date #1 are fine as far as straight-up intentions go, and they're solid and they'll work a fair amount of the time. What ends up happening though (and I say this from experience... I used to plan things exactly the same as you were here), once you get good at managing Date #1 and getting to know them and being sexual like this, most girls want you to take them home. Some will wait for you; others will get upset at you for not closing the deal and giving them what they wanted / needed.

This girl, it sounds like she was very into you, and possibly ready for it to happen then, and she continued chasing a little while after the date... and then nothing happened and she cooled off and the window closed.

Don't beat yourself up. Most guys, this has to happen to them a bunch of times before it gets firmly ingrained in their minds that telling themselves "I'll get her next time" often doesn't work because more often than not there isn't a next time (I don't know if I've met any guys who could say that 50% or more of their first dates that went well and didn't end in intimacy resulted in a second date... even girls that seem to be crazy about you can disappear inexplicably, after even a perfect first date, if you don't take them as lovers. Not always, but a surprising amount of the time).

Making it a rule to always invite a girl home at the end of date / night out gets you into the habit of going for it, and that's a great thing. In my experience, even if a girl declines going home with you, she's a lot more likely to meet up with you again later if you ask than the girls you don't ask tend to be.


M's picture

That's just mind blowing. Gives me some encouragement.
It's hard to realize what's going on with all that different signals from girls.
Like one girl says "it's too early", second girl just leaves your home, third gives LMR, and fourth girl wonders why are you so slow.
Thanks for your reply.
Actually I stopped beating myself for mistakes in field a year ago, I feel like a life long student who learns from mistakes. I am 22 and still have a lot of to figure.

Hope I'm not boring or needy (wink) but I have another question :)
Yesterday I went to a club alone and approached a lot of girls (maybe 9-10). A couple of them seemed into me but they were with their friends. I didn't try to ask them home because I thought they wanted to stay with their friends. Just got some phone numbers.
How to deal with that? I should have asked girls home with their friends sitting next to us and listening to what I say to her?

Chase Amante's picture

Hey M,

Nah, you're not boring or needy, brother ;)

That's a very "it depends" sort of situation. What it depends on is primarily:

  • How into you she is
  • How cool her friends are with you and in general

If you can tell she's very into you and her friends are cool with you, definitely invite her home (let her deal with explaining to the friends if you're unsure about it. If you're confident, just tell the friends, "Hey, I'm going to steal Becky for a nightcap. I'll make sure she gets to bed on time though.").

If she's really into you but the friends are borderline, you should go for it. If she's really into you but the friends are against it... you should still probably go for it anyway. Why? Because as soon as you leave, the friends are going to start trying to talk her out of seeing you. So take the strike while the iron's still warm.

If she's neutral but the friends really like you, tell her friends you're pulling her first, and then it makes her inclined to go with you ;)

Anything other than that, grab her number and set something up later (the next day, preferably).


Jared's picture

That managing emotions point is very interesting but a big problem for me though.
I'm a person who, much like reading this article, tries to gain knowledge and understand how stuff works. In other words, I am self motivated.

I have a hard time wondering why I should 'manage' someone else's feelings. Like, does she not have control over herself? It's a HUGE turnoff for me, people in general (not just women) who have a hard time thinking for themselves.

I DO encourage, but at the end of the day, who is responsible for themselves and their emotions? That person. Just like I cannot expect someone to make me happy - I have to already BE happy myself. If I'm feeling down, I need to remember what makes me happy. I can make life easier on her, yes, but that only goes so far.

Your thoughts?

Anonymous's picture

Dating is too complicated and after repeated rejections confidence evaporates. I live near Washington DC and I head for the strip clubs of Baltimore. I am nice to the girls and they are nice to me. Everyone wins.

Steve's picture

Always a good read Chase, Don't ever stop!

Anonymous's picture

Been reading your blog for a couple months now and I must say, you're one hell of a writer with a knack for social analysis. I do pretty well with women, but use your posts as reinforcement to what I already know but couldn't so immaculately put into words. Keep up the good work!

PUA Vault's picture

Have to say, I really like your insights. Posts are always in-depth and full of valuable information, and no wonder you're the top rated blog on my site ;)

Iamadinosaur69's picture

I have bad luck with girls and always put into the friend zone. I guess it's true that I may not like I'm a leader but I can physically do what a leader can do. My friend I guess he's a leader because I know he leads the convo every time he talks to a girl or even to me. He make the moment fun when it comes to talking because he has questions when he talks for feedback. I have a difficulty time attemping to talk how he talks. When it comes to talking to girls i struggle but when it comes to doing something I'm a walking doormat because thinking being nice will get me somewhere. Guess not. I just need drills or something to help me be a leader. It's not that easy when you don't know which step to begin or take.

Demetrius's picture

Hey man i like ur blog. I need ur insight on a situation Im In and been going though. When u get the time I explain it to u because its kinda,long story

Anonymous's picture

I cannot exaserbate how much this article applied to me, i don't know who you are, but you very well have saved my life. I was on the verge of suicide, always waiting, having no direction, being the living dead. Very much the instant i started chasing what i wanted, being assertive about what i wanted, and making decisions that got me what i wanted. Things started falling into place for me. This young man has now found salvation, thanks to you.

Anonymous's picture

Thanks Chase, awesome article. My question is how do you take a girl to a hotel room on the first date without coming across as a dude that only wants to f#!k? What I have gotten from your articles is that girls want to have sex but they want it to feel like it just happened without feeling like a whore. As you mentioned a good way of doing that is to invite them back to your place or invite yourself over to their place for something innocent like a game of pool or a movie. The only problem is that I live at home with my noisy mother and often times the girls I date still live with family. So how can I lead a girl to a hotel room without seeming like I only want to F? the only thing I can think of is to invite her to drink and or smoke weed but not every is into that lol

Henry's picture

Hi Chase,

This question is irrelevant to the thread. But would you ever get involved with a single mom? Dating a single mom with even one kid could have many implications

Anonymous's picture

Hey, Chase

I have read a lot of your articles, but I was wondering if you have any articles that would be for late bloomers? I have a LOT of work to do for myself, but for some reason I have found that this was my wake up call... lol

Anonymous's picture

the reason why many of us good straight men can't get a girl is that many of them are certainly gay today, and we should not be cursed at when we are trying to start a conversation with the one that we would really like to meet. i really had this happen to me, and i even know other men that this has happened too. i never realized that we have so many very mean and nasty women nowadays, and how in the world can us good men meet a good woman since many of them are like this today? i didn't do anything wrong to have them curse at me like that. and God forbid if you stare at a woman too long, she is ready to call the police on us. how sad.

Anonymous's picture

You're absolutely mistaken. People in Western countries are much more assertive. It's the people who leave the third world countries that are assertive. The ones who stay and make up the population of the place are not as assertive as those who leave. I've been all over and have noticed this in every place that I've been. And in many of those places, people (no matter which type they are) will not fight for themselves or their friends. Very odd. But it's because they will never burn a bridge, even if it should be burnt.

Bert's picture

Hello, I need an advice please. Im from South America too but it´s not all OK with me now...
My story.
I´ve met a girl a month ago, she is from another city, I knew she was interested in me because my brother told me. Then we started sending texts, and finally I called her to get a date. Everything went fine, I invited her to my city had a good time, even though, she is shy and hardly initiates a conversation, moreover, never texted me first, (actually she did it just once).
The second date was in his city, went to a party there, everything was fine, we had a little sex indeed. I could discover that she is very interested in me (her friends told me) but she is afraid I am a "ladies man", and thats not true I want a real relationship because a Iike her.
The problem is that she never texts me first, but always answers me back and likes to keep the conversation going on
The reasons are not clear, my theories are the next ones:
1- She broke up with his boyfriend a year and a half ago, maybe she is still confused
2- She is so shy and insecure so she has doubts
3- She thinks Im the guy who bounces from girl to girl and she cant trust me
4- She just wanted a touch and go with me

I need you to help me please, what do you think ? I dont know what to do, maybe, based on your experience you could make me see the things more clear
Thank you and sorry for my basic English, I hope you understand

Anonymous's picture

Don't be the leader, don't be the alpha, let women do that instead. Let women walk all over you. Women can always jump from man to man.

Ross's picture

This blog/ site is really good stuff. Very intelligent advice on the matter. Thanks!

Anonymous's picture

Thanks for this article. Very well written and addresses some *distinctly* important points, as to how we (men) should carry ourselves. Thanks for your insights.

gravy train's picture

Great advice and obviously solid methodology. However, what I think you fail to realize is this: some men, like myself, are hardwired as being passive and despite limitless resources and dedication, no amount of training, hard work, or conditioning will change our pre-programmed habits, personality types or social tendencies. We will ways fall back into the same rut and never truly become the suave leading males we need to be. It's something I have always struggled with and I've come to the realization that it is just a part of my programming and cannot be altered. It is an immutable reality. So I have come to make peace with myself and accept a life of tedium and dissatisfaction.

Kamakshi prakaash's picture

That is absolutely not true u should just empty ur tea cup how can it be full when it is already filled? U can absolutely do it I did it

eliterocker's picture

What I dont understand is what evolutionary reason is there for women to want men to make all the decisions? Are men inherently better decision makers than women? Ahhh drives me nuts trying to figure this shit out

Anonymous's picture

Most of the women nowadays go out with the ugliest guys that i have ever seen in my life, and since many girls like guys with money which may have a lot to do with it. I feel very sorry for the guys that are being taking advantage by these women, and yet us good looking guys can't even get a date. But now women are very picky too.

Anonymous's picture

I totally agree. GRRRRRRR... As for myself I'm college educated have a great career and all I still see is decent (not hot) which I don't want as they are beyond stuck up but decent good looking ladies that have good jobs all I see is them with pathetic losers.... YES LOSERS... GUYS that have no jobs, don't have sh*t going for them, guys that clearly have "rap" sheets longer than one can count... But then women with good decent careers continue to overlook guys that have their sh** together. Girls continue to shoot themselves in the foot time and time and time again cause girls keep looking for guys with money... Well news flash ladies most guys that are well educated, have careers going make something called DECENT MONEY...NO NOT A MILLION DOLLARS A MONTH, WE DON'T HAVE MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS IN SOME OFFSHORE ACCOUNT. We are working in our careers and working our way up the ranks. Oh but waiiiiiiiittttttt that isn't goooooood enough for ladies..... Grrrrrrrr!!!!!! BS ladies... Just BS!!! Get off your HIGH HORSES LADIES!!!!! Oh and then on top of that ladies (good quality, good educated good job ladies) dating loosers now I have heard recently some are going for homeless dudes.... WHATTTTTTT are you effin kidding girls?????? SERIOUSLY?????? What in the he** is wrong with you ladies (either going for the pathetic loosers, holding out year after year after year after year for some cobbled up tv la la land notion that Mr. Rich is going to sweep you off your feet, lavishily spend on YOU blah blah blah or going for beyond losers homeless, druggie crack head.... But oh Mr. got his sh*t together (is educated, has career, goes on sweet vacations etc.) pass them by time and time again cause somehow somewhere your idiot dumba** girlfriends keeps telling you they are "boring" all the while your girlfriend got it right, married a good decent guy that has his sh** together, starting the family... Quit listening to your dumba** girlfriends!!!

Dave hfgg's picture

That's cause us "losers" are way fucking cooler than you "nice" guys. Ur an idiot cuz we all want the same thing from these women, but at least I'm honest about it and direc.. Ur an entitled moro.. Girls don't owe u anything just cuz ur climbing a ladder

Anonymous's picture

This makes sense to me. I find myself getting angry at women sometimes because they don't ever come onto me. I feel like I'm waiting for a girl to come that never does. I get it now though. They want to be chased. This is actually comforting to me now. I can take control and lead, because I am a man. So I must embrace my manliness. I can do this.

ChrisY's picture

Experience makes me agree. Nobody hands you what you want on a plate. But in explaining the passive attitude that we fall into, let's realise that we all hate rejection instinctively. Rejection creates a mutually reinforcing pattern of pain avoidance. Once bitten, twice shy. As a result, you stop trying, and if you stop trying, you avoid the sting of rejection, you make no girlfriend, and then all those lonely nights turn into a long sequence of lonely years. So the real challenge is to overcome the emotional damage that failure causes.

Anonymous's picture

The real reason why many men can't get a girl?

Yep, I can answer that question..

They refuse to buy a plane to a place and a culture where they still exist.

Anonymous's picture

Well the real good old fashioned women are all Gone, and today they are very Sad.

Anonymous's picture

Absolutely bang on my friend

Most people try to brag, or showboat, or one-up, or dazzle others with their accomplishments. Leaders don't do this, primarily because once you reach a certain degree of accomplishment, you start so far outclassing everyone else you meet that you either toss them into auto-rejection right off the bat, or else force them into a competition where they're trying to one-up you.

mislead's picture

Great article, full of actual answers, solutions. Now it's time to put it to the test. Truly, it makes so much sense. I know I personally have spent so much time worrying about myself (what if I make a mistake, am I tripping over my words, what does she think about me?) that I've neglected the girl. Time to set clear goals, and get the girl. I've bookmarked this site!! As someone else pointed out, very good, eloquent, smooth easy reading. Thanks!

Steelcore1085's picture

I get some of your points. The thing is, if a girl is not interested in a guy and he keeps relentlessly pursuing her when she doesn't like him, it'll most likely reach a point where she decides to accuse him of sexual harassment, and that scares the shit out of a lot of men. Especially me, since I am definitely not attractive at all.

The only time you'd really get the reciprocated attention is if you are extremely good-looking like Brad Pitt or Channing Tatum. Girls love guys who are physically attractive. If you don't have those good looks, then you might as well say goodbye to any chance of getting the attention of a girl. If won't happen.

Call me a pushover, but I'd rather be a lonely MGTOW who only focuses on his career and his friends than to pursue a girl and to have it to really bad. Not interested in that shit, dude.

Franco's picture


We get the "girls only want THIS type of guy -- they don't want me" argument all the time. And yet, I've seen just about every "type" of guy get with every "type" of girl in my time.

Give this read:

"I Can't Get Girls Because Girls Only Want [BLANK]"

- Franco

That one guy's picture

It could be the real reason is that you're just different.

Women are not as complicated nor as sophisticated as they like to think they are. They're people, and they do all the same dumb things all humans do. Namely, they collectively refuse to think for themselves. They think like the group thinks, lest THEY find themselves being seen as 'different'.

Ever wonder why so many women keep ending up with the same kind of losers over and over again? I mean, you'd think they'd learn their lesson after the first one or two, right? Any woman is going to have a preconceived notion of what a 'man' is 'supposed to' be. She's been formulating it since she was a small child, and what she observed in men around her as she was growing up is a very significant part of it. Those men, doing what they did as they went about their business, are the backbone of her 'programming'. If she sees in you what she always saw in them, then you'll probably fit her mold as a 'real man'. If you're not like anyone she's seen before, or worse, too much like someone she saw and had developed a dislike for, you'll be out of her comfort zone and she won't want to have anything to do with you, unless perhaps you somehow end up being popular with her friends... then the picture changes. But barring that, no luck for you!

If it makes you feel any better, I've always been in this boat. I fall through the cracks with women. The first issue is that women who are attracted to me are either all married or twenty years older than me, but let's ignore that for the time being. Those who are unattached and roughly my own age but somehow still attracted to me (rare, though it may be) DON'T KNOW ME and *think* that maybe they do because something about me reminds them of someone they know, or knew, and had a positive impression of. Then they start to get to know me, and discover 'PDQ' that they were waaaaay off base and I'm not at all the type of man they thought I was. Result: Confused and scared! Nobody likes to be wrong, and most people are ashamed to be. Consequence: They retreat. To familiar territory. To the kind of men they've always hung around and know. They may be treated like dirt by them, but when that's all you know and all you think you deserve, then you feel okay when that's what you get. It's the old 'devil you know vs the devil you don't know' scenario. In my case, I fit NONE of the local stereotypes. I'm the ultimate half breed. I have just enough of something to pique some women's interest, but not enough of it to really stand out in that respect and everything else about me will generally be irrelevant to them. Kinda' the jack of all trades but master of none.

Unfortunately, the kind of women who would be open to a guy like me are long gone. Most left the area shortly after high school. The rest were all hooked up by then and staying in a relationship usually never has been a problem for them. If one doesn't work out, that's okay, they already had the next one lined up before the last guy knew anything was amiss. If you want to be the new guy, you'd have to have been in a situation where she could get to know you fairly well over a period of time. I was never lucky enough to find myself in that situation. If you get on any of the dating sites in this town, you'll find scarce few local women. Most of what you will find: 1)Fakes... the obvious scammers that are everywhere. 2) Frivolous: Real women you recognize, but not really looking (playing games, usually jealousy games) or else someone created a profile with their picture(s) to make them look bad (probably an ex or a 'frenemy' for revenge, etc.) 3) The true undesirables. Sadly, they're not the physically unattractive, those women usually won't bother posting a picture so you never know who they are. It's the ones who treat everyone like dirt and then wonder why nobody likes them. They're always single, and ostensibly always 'looking', but when you encounter them around town they won't look at you, never smile, are rude to people, and seem generally lost in their own little world. You can try to send them a message, but they'll probably never respond... which is likely a good thing for you!

Sometimes you're just in a bad spot and there isn't a thing you can do about it. All I can recommend is that you just be yourself and cross your fingers. The alternative is to try to be someone your not, and while you might get somewhere, it probably won't be anyplace you're going to be happy being.

Franco's picture

That one guy,

There's plenty for me to disagree with here, but rather than write a dissertation on all the misconceptions you have here, I'd rather give you two recommendations to hopefully get you started:

1) Read this article:

Just Be Yourself: The Worst Dating Advice Known to Man

2) Move to a new location.

In regards to number two, it sounds like you still live in the same town that you graduated high school from. Generally, almost all of the guys I know who never moved out of my hometown either:

(a) Married/knocked up their high school sweetheart very early.

(b) Are dating girls from the same social circle from high school.

(c) Doing neither of the above and not having success with women at all, like yourself.

When you're in an area that just has a small pool of the same women that have been there for awhile, you're not going to be able to have the same type of success that a man living in, say, Los Angeles or New York is going to have. Big cities contain hundreds of thousands of people living busy lives in a dense area, and it's possible to be constantly meeting new women who don't have a clue about who you are or what you're about until the second they meet you.

Essentially, it's a chance to "start over" and become a man that women want to be with. If you don't believe that you can become a better man that women are more attracted to, then that's fine; you can continue to lead a dull life "being yourself" and allow those of us who have improved ourselves to gobble up all the beautiful women who desire us. No man who succeeds with women is ever going to complain about the guys who don't succeed with women. It's up to the unsuccessful guys to understand that they have more control over their own love lives than they realize.

Whether or not you end up going down the path of improvement with women is entirely up to you.

- Franco

Anonymous's picture

Well now that there are so many women that have their Careers since many of them i will admit that their making much more money than many of us good men do. And today many women are very high maintenance, independent, selfish, spoiled, and very greedy, which really speaks for itself why many of us men Can't meet a good one at all. And we really Can't blame ourselves since many of us should've been settled down by now.

Tormented's picture

Pooh. You tried and I respect that. I don't want to lead a woman unless she's virtuous and old fashioned. In other words, has members, respect and capable of guilt and sincerity. Do many women, I don't even want to lead. But I'm an American born white 34 y.o. used yo being self reliant. I know what I want. I am decisive. It seems in my experience the opposite is true. I evoke mixed signals and passive aggressive from women..the problem is when they truly get to know me in natural ways they tend to open up and like me, like when I was on the track team in college and in my department at university later, and at work but they all have bf or when I lived in community. My experience is women are just and slippery and ill mannered and yes I think what can I do to bring out other side of women but I rack my brain. Then I meet occasional woman who is different, and it's profoundly validating, sanity making, but if I'm interested in marriage/ltr I have to be selective so she didn't quite make it but she proved women can be old fashioned and friendly. She felt guilt towards herself, she wasn't self righteous arrogant woman. They are like cigarette burns in my brain. Their behavior becomes ridiculous towards dating. They are not desperate enough or interested enough for me to date. I want women but they force me into mgtow. I guess I'm mgtow involuntarily. I have given it more than a college try and i want a family but I want my sanity. I don't believe in hurting women physically but it's lehal to hurt them emotionally. I mean more like chastise them, for their faults so they can grow, rather than anything. They need to be taught lessons because most didn't have fathers obviously. And women reading this who disagree and shudder, just know you may he an exception. I've met many wonderful women. Most have lucky bfs. I've met many professional daters. I refuse to have women manipulating me into changing to confirm to a negative view if nan. I've never said I was a nice guy. I'm not a jerk either. Women often polarize men like we live in a world of duality and extremism. I'm on cyclical time, I believe there's good and bad in everyone and I love folkish memes, not progressivism. I refuse to be the object of your categorization. I have my purpose so move bitch get out the way. Like Jesus in revelations (I'm not religious AT ALL btw) I spit out the lukewarm 50:50 type women who can't make up their mind whether they like me trust me or not. However, I don't spit them out because of desperation. I don't have backup. Its not logical why I've never had gf and am 34 tall 6'3 lean and muscular in mensa good job own house. I've probably slept with 15 women in my life, mostly one or two night stands, I'm not proud or ashamed bit always wanted something more. I think I have integrity. I agree with a lot of the alt right. A lot of women do have attitude, meaning an unjustified bad attitude. I'm not perfect but am willing to give ppl a chance. I'm not looking for a perfect woman..just someone good enough. I'm not perfect but I'm always focused on self improvement. I tend to be an impatient person. I have things t achieve yet. Sue me. I'm not a drunk or in debt. Zero non mortgage debt, zero crime history, yet people judge me and prefer others. Been described by marni libris as handsome. I'm not arrogant. I'm just wondering what is the malfunction. I wasn't born arrogant. I don't like following social scripts if I found a better way because to me i am a free spirit limited only by reality and discipline but culture tries to dicatate how to behave. I just get brainflammation from modern women I like. It's so hard to find one I like that's sinhle that when she shows interest and pulls out or plays games it tortures me and I'm not a masochist. Sadist maybe. Believe me. Believe what I say. But weight lifting and work raise self esteem. Hobbies too I guess. All else esp women lower self esteem. Women are not a good source of self esteem or companionship. They are a toll on your self esteem. I'd like to think it's otherwise. Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence as San Pena likes to say but I have to say I realky don't know what the fuck to do

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