The Real Reason Many Men Can't Get a Girl
Why is it that most men can't seem to get what they want with women? How come so many men can't get a girl?
A few months back, a friend of mine asked me to author a post on leading women. I put it off for a while, because it's not as sexy a topic as, say, opening or locking in or overcoming objections or dating. Leading's just... a little vague, as far as topics go.
Yes, it's good to be an alpha male, and it's good to have a set process you follow, and to move on fast if a girl isn't following along. But how's that all come into play in a cohesive strategy for getting success with women?
If you'd like to achieve anything resembling consistent, reliable success with women, you're quickly going to realize that leaving things purely up to chance isn't going to cut it. "God helps those who help themselves," goes the saying -- which, boiled down, quite basically means that good things come to the people who go out and actively bring good things into their lives.
In other words, success comes to those who engineer that success.
But still, most folks don't bother engineering anything approximating success. Most average folks sit around waiting for success to find them. And it never does.
For success with women to start occuring for a guy, that has to change for him. So what's it take to advance an average man who can't get a girl into a man who consistently can?
Well, among other things, it takes this: he's got to be leading women.
Some People Get What They Want
When I first moved to Washington, D.C., I started meeting people from all over the world. My girlfriend was from South America. My best friend was from Asia. Another good friend of mine was from Africa.
One of the most interesting things you quickly come to realize about people from less developed countries is, they're used to being totally self-reliant: they stand up for themselves, fight and scrap and claw for what they want, and refuse to take "no" for an answer.
Me, when I first started meeting international people though, I wasn't like that at all myself. Most folks in the West aren't, I find.
Growing up in the West, you're largely told to follow the plan, and everything will be taken care of for you. "Go to school, get a good job, and buy lots of stuff, and everything will be fine."
A business screws you over? Vote with your dollar by not going back.
Somebody says something that offends you? He's sexist, racist, ageist, or a bigot of some sort or another. Cut that person out of your life and move on.
There's a strong culture of, "Don't worry, the State will protect you! Just walk away from conflict!" in the West, and what you tend to get as a result is reasonably passive people. Not all the time -- there are a good amount of go-getters in the West too -- but a lot of the time, denizens of the West are more content and thus a lot more passive than their third world counterparts.
Because it's different in the third world. There, you have to go after what you want -- ruthlessly -- because nobody gives it to you.
Well, as well as the Western system works for a lot of people, for me the system didn't work. I saw plenty of other guys happy with their desk jobs and their good-enough girlfriends, so I guess it works for some. But me, my job, while paying me quite well, bored the hell out of me, and I had no girlfriend to speak of. The system had failed me.
So, I rejected it. I decided to become like all those people from the third world I'd met, and I learned from them, and I emulated them. As I did, I became bolder, more assertive -- I became, more and more, a leader. I'd set out to figure out why I couldn't get a girl, and fix it, and as I focused on becoming more like my third world friends who seemed so adept at getting their ways, I quickly found that my lack of assertiveness was a gigantic factor in my plentiful failings to that point with women -- far more so than I'd previously realized.
Back then, I'd:
- Give up on something after a single rejection;
- Never push or pursue the things I wanted;
- Never go out on a limb and ask for stuff in fear of being turned down;
- Assume that people didn't want to give me what I wanted to get.
I'd have businesses rip me off, and I'd fight a little, and then I'd just throw my hands up in the air and walk away. I'd have people be rude to me, and I'd try to deal with it, then just fold and accept it.
And it wasn't that I was afraid of failure, necessarily.
It was that I'd never been taught how to get what I wanted.
But other people, one way or another, seemingly had. So, I decided to figure out what it was they knew that I didn't, and I decided to learn from them.
Decisiveness: Extremely Necessary for Leadership
The biggest thing I noticed between my international friends and my domestic friends was that my international friends absolutely, positively knew where they were going and pursued those ends with a laser-like focus.
I think it's very possible to have your basic needs met in the West and really not need to pursue anything else all that hard. Abundant, tasty food; decent, relatively easy jobs for anyone who wants one (compared to what they do for work -- for a lot less money, no less -- in the third world); rafts of consumer goods; and easy escapism in movies, TV, video games, and the Internet.
No scraping and struggling; no haggling; no fighting for survival, or just to get the things you want.
Life's pretty easy in the West, relatively speaking.
Unfortunately, that means we don't learn how to set solid targets and decisively push for the things we want -- and that is absolutely, positively, unavoidably a necessary trait for leadership.
That's why so many guys can't get a girl. Because a girl isn't going to just hand herself to a guy on a silver platter; it doesn't work that way. Women want to be led.
But most guys in the West can't lead.
Back when I was trying to figure out why I was so bad at leading, I hit upon a core reason: I didn't really have a specific objective in mind. I didn't know what I wanted.
I really think this is what plagues most men, and it's the root cause of most men's failures with women. They don't know what they want, so they end up all over the place.
"Maybe I'll talk to that girl from class sometime"
they think. Or
"Hey, maybe she'll like it if we go to the movies"
There's no objective in there. The guy isn't going for anything concrete; he just knows that he likes girls, he likes this girl, and maybe if he talks to her or takes her to the movies that will be good... in some... undetermined... way.
Now, it'd be great if you could just kind of go out and do stuff and suddenly money would fall into your lap.
And it'd be great if you could kind of sort of just mess around with like talking to girls and trying to do something fun with them and then suddenly you've got incredible success with women.
Heck, it'd be cool if you could go to work and kind of amble about and work on stuff here and there and before you know it they're promoting you to something two positions above where you started out at.
But it doesn't work that way.
You need to have a specific, concrete, crystal clear objective that you're aiming for to guide your actions. Otherwise, you'll end up meandering around, which can be fun and relaxing, but I'll eat my hat if random wanderings ever produce anything close to consistent results.
Wandering just doesn't cut it.
Leadership and the Man Who Can't Get a Girl
We talk about being a guy who moves fast and closes deals with women a lot on here. The primary determinant of a man's ability to do this is his ability to lead.
You can have a man who's a skilled conversationalist, who knows how to come across smooth, charming, and charismatic, and who people just absolutely love, but if he can't lead he can't get a girl. Period.
Why? Because... well...
It's unpopular to say in the West, but men are leaders and need to be leaders. Women like men who are leaders, and despise men who are followers. If you ask girls, they'll often deny this; they like men who listen to them and do what they ask the most! At least that's what they'll say.
Then you'll notice those men they like the most are their platonic guy friends who do everything for them, while those bad boys they don't like at all are their lovers and boyfriends.
Don't believe this to be so? Okay, try this:
- First, go out on three dates with three different girls, and tell them, "What we do is up to you; anything you want to do, I'll do it with you."
- Next, go out on three more dates with three more, different girls, and tell them, "How about we do this and this and that. Work okay for you?"
You're generally going to find that women from the first category of dates are going to be a little nicer and friendlier. Meanwhile, women from the second category of dates are going to be a lot more interested in you and a lot easier to become turned on and want things to progress.
This is deep in human biological wiring, and you can't fight it. Men dominate, women submit. Men who submit instead of dominate get flung so far into the friend zone they eventually just accept that as their perennial role with the women in their lives.
When I first realized this, it was kind of a hard awakening. I thought I'd be able to take it easy and just have things happen with women "naturally."
But things don't "just happen." They only seem like they "just happened" to the person who was submitting to the other and letting that other person call the shots and be in control.
And the instant you realize that, that's the instant you're able to start becoming the guy who makes things "just happen."
I used to have something I'd always tell to guys when I noticed them waiting around for a girl to do something or make a decision. I'd tell them,
"You're the man. YOU must lead."
How to Lead Women Like the Pied Piper
You might be surprised, but true leadership isn't just about telling people what to do.
There's a lot more to it than that.
Most people imagine a false dichotomy when they think of leadership. They think that telling someone to "be a leader" is the same as telling him to be a jerk who calls all the shots and controls an interaction with an iron fist.
But being a jerk with an iron fist only gets you so far, and with the most confident, attractive, socially savvy women, it ends up falling flat.
You've got to have nuance, and you've got to have real depth as a leader.
So without further ado on my part, here're the tools you need to start leading women with great effectiveness right now.
- Know where you're going. A leader always has a plan, even if that plan is just to get others' opinions to help him form an idea. As the man in charge, you've either got to be telling women what's going to happen next, or asking, in a very strong way, for their thoughts on the possible choices.
"All right Kylie, let's go swing by the liquor store to grab something to drink, and then we'll go relax and watch a movie."and
"Well Leigh, we can either go down and check out the ocean while we wait for the bus to get here, or we can sit here and talk. Any preference?"are both okay because they present a clear path (without being overbearing) and make it easy for the girl to follow along. On the other hand,
"Nancy, what do you think we should do now?"is not okay, because it doesn't lead. You need to primarily be thinking logistics -- basically, "How can I get the two of us alone together as quickly as possible?" Women respond better to men who are moving them quickly and expeditiously forward along a path toward the two of them getting progressively closer and eventually getting physical together, and quickly get bored and end dates with men who seem to just be aimlessly wandering through the date without an objective or set path.
- If you don't know where you're going, improvise or ask for logistics. Sometimes you really don't know what happens next, logistically. What you do then depends on where you are in the interaction.
If you've just met a girl, you need to be strongly decisive. You may not be sure what happens next logistically, but you tell her, "Let's grab a seat," and then the two of you walk over to a bench and sit down. Just focus on continually moving her every so often as you sort out your logistics, and you'll be fine.
Normally, you want to be the one steering the logistics. But if she seems like a pretty sexually experienced woman and she seems noticeably interested in you, and you're at a loss for logistics, you can ask her to help you decide. In that case, you might say, "Gosh, I really like spending time with you, Jesse... I wish we could keep spending time together," as the night draws to a close. If she doesn't seem to be getting the hint, you can throw in, "So my place is a little crowded with friends over there right now -- what's your living situation look like?" and then invite yourself over to her place. "All right, why don't we go kick it at your place before we call it a night?"
- A great leader is a great manager of emotions. True leaders are great leaders because they know how to take care of others emotionally. This means using their skills as a conversationalist to guide and direct the emotional ebb and flow of the conversation. Using deep diving to create a strong connection, fast; and building women up and making them feel good and empowered, while simultaneously fully understood.
The vast, vast majority of people out there are utterly not in control of their emotions, and they're forever grateful to those select few individuals who are able to impact them emotionally and guide them to good feelings, more productive mindsets, and realistic encouragement.
One example of this so you'll know what I'm talking about: when she's feeling a little down, get her talking about what she likes about her life. e.g.:
Her: I just don't know what I want to do with my life.
You: All right, well, what are you good at?
Her: I'm good at painting, and dance, and writing.
You: A lot of artistic stuff. And are you doing any of that regularly now?
Her: No, I'm not.
You: How are you spending your time?
Her: Mostly at work.
You: Mostly at work doing paralegal stuff.
You: Okay. So what if you started painting again in your spare time? What if you made one painting a week, and started showing your paintings in local exhibitions?
Her: That could be fun...
You: What if you started a website where you wrote five days a week about whatever you most like writing about? What if you started taking dance lessons again, in a form of dance you haven't mastered yet?
Her: You're right...
You: You can start doing the things you want, whenever you want. If you're only doing stuff you don't want to do, of COURSE you're going to get frustrated!
Her: Wow, you're so right.
- Leaders talk about themselves little, except to teach or relate. If you've ever heard people talk about meeting Bill Clinton, the former US president, they always mention how warm they felt instantly talking to him. He'd ask them about themselves, express genuine interest, and perhaps relate a short tale back to what they'd said.
Most people try to brag, or showboat, or one-up, or dazzle others with their accomplishments. Leaders don't do this, primarily because once you reach a certain degree of accomplishment, you start so far outclassing everyone else you meet that you either toss them into auto-rejection right off the bat, or else force them into a competition where they're trying to one-up you.
Instead, show interest in others and reduce talking about yourself only to things that will facilitate the conversation and the connection -- as opposed to trying to bolster how impressive they perceive you being, like most folks do.
- A leader is constantly moving things forward. Whether conversationally or logistically, leaders are busy people and they don't have much time (or tolerance) for treading water. For that reason, they're constantly moving things forward.
What's that mean? It means that, in conversation, you should be:
• Quickly moving off of bad topics, boring topics, and finished topics
• Prioritizing emotional connections over factual discourse
• Focusing on getting to know her rationale and background fast
Which means the following are superior choices:
"That's too bad. Well, anything good happen to you today?"And moving things forward logistically means this:
"How do you like doing that?" "What would you rather do instead?"
"How'd you end up where you are right now?"
• Never settling into staying in one place physically for too long
• Planning several moves ahead logistically (what comes after this?)
• Moving fast with women from open to close
Which means you should be thinking:
"It feels like we've been standing here too long... time to move."
"We'll hit up that tea house, chill an hour, then back to my place."
"If she won't move with me within 10 minutes, I'll grab a number and move on."
Seem like a lot to remember?
Never fear -- you can really boil all this down to a handful of key points to remember:
- Know where you're going
- Make sure she's feeling good
- Help her to relate to you, and you to her
- Keep you both on-target and headed steadily to where you're going
Most men don't do these things, because they're too worried about themselves and how they're coming off to take the time to manage the girl and manage the interaction. That's why most men can't get a girl, or really struggle to.
When you start actively managing women and actively managing the interaction and the process -- like how my third world friends manage just about everything in their lives -- that's when it all starts getting really easy, and really clear.
All the confusion and anguish about trying to figure out how to get girls and failing disappears. Suddenly you're no longer trying to showcase and being judged inadequate; now you're actively managing things and when you fall short, you've got metrics to check and places you know you can adjust.
She got uncomfortable and left too soon? Either she didn't feel like you knew where you were going, it didn't feel like you were actively taking her there, you didn't properly manage her emotions, or you didn't get her feeling like the two of you were connecting.
She got to the point of being ready to go home with you, but a little too much time passed and she ended up going home alone? You didn't keep the two of you on-target and moving forward steadily and quickly enough.
You can use these leadership metrics as a guide for figuring out where you're messing up; and make tweaks accordingly.
Anyway, that's how I'd break down and codify leadership and leading. If you're not sure where to start, I know what I struggled with for a while, and what I still see most guys struggling with, is knowing where to go.
So the next time you find yourself somewhere semi-aimlessly doing something without a clear goal in mind... take 30 seconds and iron out what is you're there for. That exercise alone might make all the difference between an unfulfilling night, and one in which you meet an exceptional woman who's everything you were hoping to find.
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